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Ordinary people who have been transformed by an extraordinary God tell their stories of what happened and what their lives are like now.
Cailin: Welcome everyone to
Faith and Purpose podcast.
Each episode of this podcast contains the
personal testimony of an ordinary person
transformed by an extraordinary God.
My name is Kaylin and I'm
here to introduce this podcast
for my friend Jesse Duke.
Jesse is a husband, father, author,
life recovery guide, lay counselor,
and small group leader, but his
most important role is disciple.
As a disciple of Jesus.
Jesse created this podcast to help other
believers tell their faith stories.
We'll be hearing the personal
testimonies of all sorts of people
who have one thing in common,
Jesus has transformed their lives.
Jesus used parables because he created
us to learn best through story.
And as we listen to how God has worked
in others lives, we find encouragement
and inspiration for our own faith walk.
Whether you are already a believer or
just a curious seeker, we believe that
as you listen to these stories, you will
be encouraged on your own faith journey.
We are sure that God can speak to you
through one of these episodes and that you
will see that our Heavenly Father truly
works all things together for our good.
When we simply love and trust him.
If you are currently going through a
trial, we believe that you will come
to see that your troubles, heartbreaks,
and failures are not gravestones, but
stepping stones into new life in Christ.
Here's Jesse with today's guest.
Welcome everybody to
faith and purpose podcast.
Today.
I have my friend Patrick
Kelly here to tell his story.
I'm looking forward to it.
Well, thank you, Jesse.
This is an honor.
I'm really glad to be here to do this.
I guess I'll just start
from the beginning.
I was born in California in 1973.
the only reason I was born out there is
my dad was in the air force at the time.
but him and my mom both grew up here.
So as soon as he was done with the air
force, I moved back here when I was five.
I was able to start
kindergarten at that time.
I had a great childhood.
A normal childhood, like.
Pretty much what anybody had.
I was very active kid loved to
be outdoors, and I love sports.
And, from the very early age I
got right into doing those things.
Found surfing at a very young age.
And to this day I still do it.
And I'm glad that I found that that
was an outlet that I knew that, um,
I truly needed throughout my life.
And it really connected me with the.
With the outer world and I, and I
just love that aspect of my life.
Um,
My parents divorced when I
was probably around 11 or 12.
It really shaped my childhood.
It just.
I was lost for a little while.
You know, like my walls
came tumbling down.
I'd so to speak.
So I'm back and forth every other
weekend with my mother and my father.
The father was kind of
striked I'll I'll say this.
Uh, my dad's side of the family, my
dad's dad was a, an Episcopal priest.
In fact, he was the
Episcopal priest here at St.
Peter's church.
For a number of years.
He retired.
When I was 15.
So.
I grew up in the church.
I had a, a God of my understanding.
I had a spiritual life.
Um, And I'll explain to this
later, but I just didn't feel super
connected, especially after he retired.
So my dad had a very structured
life and when I was with my mom
on the other weekends, so she kind
of gave me a little more freedom.
So I had this.
This kind of double.
Double childhood life.
It was pretty cool.
But, I graduated high school.
in 1991.
And, uh, that was the year the Ritz
Carlton opened up here on Amelia island.
And I tried college.
I tried to go to school to be a fireman.
I did complete that, but as I got
out, I had a couple of friends
get killed in a car accident.
And I thought, maybe this
isn't really the job for me.
Um, I started with the
Ritz Carlton in 1993.
I was 20 years old.
And.
That job shaped me to
be the man I am today.
Um, I was very thankful the way I
was raised, but like, yo yes, sir.
No, sir.
Yes.
Ma'am no, ma'am I was able to, I
was really able to fall in to that.
To that role, you know, wear black socks.
You know, tuck your shirt in, wear
a belt, you know, comb your hair.
All those things came into play.
And as I got older, I was very
thankful to be raised like that.
Um, I worked through its culture for a few
years, and then I transferred out west.
I moved out to California.
Um, when I was around 22.
lived out there for a few years,
just living the free life surfer life
worked at a really nice Ritz Carlton
out there called Laguna Niguel.
And a very, very nice part of California.
I was about an hour south of LA and
about an hour north of San Diego.
So I'm lived out there for a few years.
I had a great time.
Um, but then, you know, home
just tends to drive somebody
back and it drove me back home.
Um, stayed with the Ritz
I'm back in Florida.
About 25, I think at the time.
And, um, things are just going great.
You know, I'm just living this free life.
Just.
You know, making good money at the Ritz.
basically doing anything that I wanted
to do, I'd say a few years go by and
I, I make this quick because I'm.
Probably around.
29 or 30 now.
I'm your typical?
I was never like a hard partier.
In high school or anything.
And.
And I love to have a good time
and I could manage my drinking
or anything I was doing.
Oh, outside of that.
But around 29 or 30, I, uh, somehow got
wrapped up in pharmaceutical painkillers.
Um, and I hate to be very direct, but
I just feel like I need to say that.
And I had never been really
riddled with addiction until then.
I never had anything grab
a hold of me that just.
Like basically the partying
was done after a few years.
So probably in my early thirties,
I would say around 2006, I tried
to get off of myself and I did
for a very short period of time.
Um, but I wasn't very successful.
Um, let's back on him again.
And then 2007, I went to my very
first detox center in Miami.
I was there for about 10 days.
And when I came back, I'd like to say
that I got sober, but it only lasted
about another five or six months.
Back on him again, 2008, I went
to my second treatment facility.
I went to a Willingway hospital, which
is in Statesboro, Georgia in 2008.
Um, stayed there for 30 days.
And within two months of being back.
I was using again.
2009.
Unfortunately, I lost my job at the
Ritz-Carlton due to my use drug use.
they let me go.
I felt like I was under the influence.
They took me out.
They drug tested me and I
failed and I lost that job.
Losing everything very quickly
due to this drug addiction.
Um, I moved in with my
mom after about a year.
She'd had enough.
I mean, I moved out.
Basically on the street.
I moved in with a friend for a
very short period of time and that
didn't work out and I was on the
street and in 2010, I got arrested.
they caught me squatting in
a condo here in the island.
And when I got arrested, I was
facing seven felony charges.
Uh, things I'll really want
go into, but obviously theft.
Uh, fraudulent use of a
credit card, forged check.
Um, Just if it was crazy
now, let me say this.
I had never been arrested in my life
and the first time I got arrested, I got
sentenced to a year in the county jail.
but during that, my family was able to
work out a deal with the state that I,
after I got done doing a year in their
county jail, that I would be able to
go to a six month treatment facility
because they wanted to let these notice.
These, these.
Actions would not have happened.
Had he not been a drug addict
and they were okay with that.
So that was the first time that I went
to a long-term treatment facility.
I went to a place called the bridges
of hope and Chauncey, Georgia.
And I was in there for about six months.
And I got released in February of 2012.
Um, Parents are being
very supportive, still.
Dad gave me a job.
He had his own pest control company here
on Amelia island and he gave me a job.
But by April of that year,
I was already using again.
I've been away for 17 months.
And I just treated, I
didn't treat treatment.
It was the first time I ever got
introduced to the big book of alcoholics
anonymous, but I still think I was
using it as like I was just buying time.
If you don't mind me interrupting.
I just curious.
Cause I think people might.
have the same question when you
get out of a treatment center and
you've been claimed for awhile.
What is the thought process
that you go through to get.
Where you start using again?
What does that.
Look like.
Just no connection.
You know, trying to find your
way, you know, I would go, I'm
just going to AA the first time.
That I went to AA was 2007 and I
would just be in and out of the rooms.
Um,
I don't know at th it's just, it's it
kind of be welders me a little bit that.
You just want the pain
to go away, I guess.
Um, I wouldn't say I ever was like
very depressed or anything, but a
lot of times you just get lonely.
And, um, you just want to
change the way you feel.
Okay.
There it is.
Yeah.
I just wanted to change the way I felt.
And I'll get to that later.
so here we are 2012, They're struggling
with addiction again all summer long.
And then by that fall, my dad had had
enough of me and, and, um, He fired me.
When your own dad fires you.
That's that's tough.
I'm looking for job again, I ended
up working for a really nice, uh,
formal restaurant here in the Melia
island no, you got to understand
I was on probation at this time.
And I was.
Uh, Joe basically rolling the dice
every month that I went in, um, my
parents were drug testing me that
summer and I was failing their tests,
but I was passing the probation test.
Um, I don't know what they were testing
for at probation, but I was rolling
the dice and if I had violated my
probation, it would not have been good.
So here I am working for a formal
restaurant here on the island,
and I worked for them for that.
The next.
five to six years.
Um, And all this time.
I'm just deep in addiction.
I'm living with my mom.
I just really not doing it right.
If you know what I mean.
and I hate to say this, but
from 2007 to 2018, I picked up
a methamphetamine addiction.
Which dot was probably the worst of the
worst than the darkest had ever got.
June 25th, 2018, I suffered
a near death overdose.
Um,
It's kind of hard to talk about today.
but.
When the paramedics got there, I was
taking one breath, every 15 seconds.
And they, I was told they used four
times the legal dose of Narcan.
Um, had my stepbrother not been there.
Who was providing me CPR phone.
I found out later, um, I
probably would not have made it.
Um, so I'll wake up in a hospital.
Not knowing how I got there.
I got my aunt on one side and my
mom on the other, and they told me I
had suffered a near death overdose.
Uh, No money at this time, obviously.
Um, so I didn't have any way any means
to get into a treatment facility.
So I try to.
Uh, I went out to this Christian.
Uh, tr rehab out here off of 17, I
think it's called set free by the sea.
Um, and I ended up
staying there just a week.
'cause I get there.
There's no big book.
There's no steps.
The only way they tell me
to get well from my disease.
Of drug addiction is.
Jesus Christ.
And I just, to be honest with you,
I just wasn't having it at the time.
I didn't want to go that route.
So in the middle of
the night, I stuck out.
Two suitcases and a duffle bag.
And I walked 12 miles all
the way back to the island.
Ended back in it, on my mom's back forge.
She gets up the next morning and.
She's just so disgusted with me and
she's like, I can't do this anymore.
So I was basically on the street
for a very short period of time.
Again.
Um, it's strictly hot out in
the summer, you know, here.
So I checked myself into a
hotel off of airport road.
And the only person that was talking
to me at the time was my stepmother.
And I begged and pleaded
her that I needed help.
And.
So I was supposed to get into this one
facility and I was struggling with my
insurance and there was a lot of little.
Things that weren't working out.
And so the day that she met up with me,
she had happened to call the bridges
of hope, which is only two hours away.
She basically just said, you
know, get your butt in the car
with one of the bridges of hope.
Now as I go there, I'm still
thinking about my mind.
Well, I'm just going to, it's
a six month facility, but I'm
only going to stay two months.
I still was in.
In charge.
Do you know?
I just wanted to get the heat
off my back and get back to work.
Um, At the two month mark, my
stepmother had come to pick me up.
And cause, you know, obviously she's
not going to pay any more, but the, the
guy running the facility allowed me to
stay basically scholarship to me and.
God doing for me, what I couldn't do
for myself, I'll get back to this.
God was always had his hand in this.
I ended up staying nine months, Jesse.
Had I not stayed that long.
And this is where I really got into
the big book of alcoholics anonymous.
Um, I tell a funny story.
Uh, denied.
I struck out from that Christian
rehab, I'm walking over the bridge, the
shade bridge onto the Amelia island.
And I remember telling God, listen, God.
I've got no problem with you.
I just need to understand
what is wrong with me.
I've been struggling for years with this.
What is wrong with me?
And when I was at the bridges of hope,
you know, you get into the big book of
alcoholics anonymous and they teach you
that you have a physical allergy fall by
a phenomena, crabbing, mental obsession,
but more importantly, A spiritual malady.
Um, I'm a spiritually sick.
Um, I get out of the bridges
of hope of may of 2019.
And I'm on fire for recovery.
Like I'm loving it.
I'm going to AA.
I'm doing it.
I'm doing everything that's asked of me.
Um, I even started sponsoring guys.
Um, I was just doing everything
I felt that was right.
Uh, I found a guy that I really admired.
I worked the steps through him.
But, you know, there's steps are to
designed to provide you an awakening.
And I think really all it did for me
at that time was just boost my ego.
Now I've done this four
step that nobody's done.
Uh, you know, I just, I
just, I, I just don't.
I just think it got me to a place
where I, I couldn't learn anymore.
And I'll get to that later.
Um, So I'm doing okay.
I'm doing great.
I'm on fire.
Um, I stay with my mom for a
very short period of time just
to get money back in my pocket.
And then.
February of 2020, I move out of
my mom's house and I get my own
apartment here on the island.
And three weeks later, COVID hits.
And I'm like, God really.
Like I get sober and now this
hits, I mean, we're not working
and anybody knows COVID.
I don't like the whole world shut down.
And I'll be honest with you.
It was a little fear in there.
Um, But I was able to
get through that summer.
And early fall.
And by that fall, I
thought, you know what?
Maybe I've ever thought this thing.
I'm off the drugs.
I'm doing great.
Uh, my mind goes back
to when was I happiest?
It was in my late twenties when I
was just doing a little drinking.
And enjoying life.
So I decided to pick up drink and I
start drinking within a few months,
I realized that drink was taking me
to the same place that the drugs did.
Um, you're 2021.
I go to multiple detox
facilities of my alcoholism.
I go to detox four times in five months.
That summer.
Now during the summer, it
gets really bad for me.
Um, may of 2021.
Um, I lost my stepbrother.
He had gotten arrested and they had put
him in Duvall county jail and they had
to separate him from general population.
Cause I guess they had what they
call Marceau And in the course of
him being by himself and I'm sure he
was detoxing off, um, heavy drugs.
He took his own life.
In the jail cell.
You would think that would wake me up?
Um, and how fortunate I was.
Um, but it did not.
Um, the drinking continued.
And three months later, I
got a knock at the door.
I had three friends
show up on my doorstep.
And they had, let me know
that my dad had died of COVID.
My dad had got hospitalized.
About a month before.
And so September 9th, I
get a knock at the door.
Saying that my dad had
passed due to COVID.
Uh,
My world just came tumbling down.
It does something to a man
when he loses his father.
I just really does.
Um, me and my dad weren't super close.
Um, Growing up, but he was
always a major part of my life.
And I really admire that man,
more than he will ever know.
Drinking continues.
You would think that would wake up.
And I.
Lose another job downtown that
I was working at a restaurant.
Um, I started another job where they
immediately know that I'm drinking and
I struggled for the next two years.
Jessie.
On and off drinking on and off
detox, detox, drink and drinking.
Um, finally in.
September of 2023.
I had a dear friend that
was able to come by.
I was, I was rock bottom with my drinking.
Um, There's a funny story.
He got so bad that I was basically just.
buying cheap Barrett the Jiffy and buying
those cheap fireballs at, at the counter.
And if you really look at the,
the cover, those, uh, fireballs.
Um, it has the devil on it.
So, let me backtrack a little bit before
I get into this before I really dive
into what I really want to talk about.
I had came out of detox in 2022
with a good friend of mine.
He had come and picked me up
and I immediately realized
that I do have a bad problem.
So let me go to AA.
So.
22.
C 22 going into 23.
I'm trying to go to AA and
I'm just like, I'm just not
really finding my place in it.
And I feel like there was
something more that I was missing.
There's a friend of mine that
I was riding e-bikes with.
I have an electric bike and we were
riding the bikes and I came to his house.
And he lived around the corner.
He lives around the corner from me and,
um, He's like, what do you want to watch?
So he puts on YouTube.
Now.
This is really crazy.
He puts on.
Billy Graham.
1971, Chicago.
Who is Jesus Christ.
Now I'd always thought Christ was cool.
You know, I always admired him.
I thought everything was great.
Um, I'm already watching
this show called the chosen.
I don't know if anybody had seen that.
I had, I had started watching that
during COVID in 2020, just upon seasons,
but I was just looking at it and just.
Checking it out.
But I was really getting into this show.
And it was like for the first time in my
life, I had eyes to see and ears to hear.
It really chokes me off a little bit.
So I'm like, you know, the old me would
have looked like, man, out of all the
things we're going to watch on YouTube,
we're going to watch Billy Graham.
And it's about 40 to 44 minutes long.
And I ended up watching
the whole thing with him.
And this is, and I ended up
going home that night laying
in bed and I watch it again.
Like it was just so into my heart.
It was like, something was speaking to me.
And this is what Billy Graham, this
is how he starts out that sermon.
He says for the next hour.
It's going to be an
hour to decision-making.
Some of you will accept Christ.
And some of you are rejecting.
And even if you walk away today,
You will never be the same.
And I've listened to that
sermon so many times.
I thought I knew who Jesus Christ was.
But boy was I wrong?
So I'm listening to Billy
Graham classics every night.
Now.
Um, watching the chosen.
I had found this other pasture
that goes on these college campuses
that debates these college kids
about who God is his name's cliff.
I think pastor cliff nettle, if I can
pronounce Nectaly or something like that.
So I'm just soaking it up.
Jesse, I'm just thirsty
for knowledge of who this.
Jesus Christ, you know?
So everything's going great.
I'm still not drinking.
I'm doing good.
And I turned 50 years old last year.
My birthday landed on April.
I mean, uh, April 9th,
which happened to be.
Easter Sunday, I turned 50 years old.
You think God had a plan?
Um, so I have this cool birthday party.
Um, I knew it was kind of supposed to
be a surprise, but I knew I was having
it, but I didn't know who was attending.
And in attendance, there was a good
friend of mine that I've known my
whole life, him and his wife show up.
And, um, he pulls me off to the side.
And he asked me
immediately, where am I at?
I knew exactly what he's talking about.
And so I kind of filled him
in briefly and he said, pat, I
got a guy for you to listen to.
And.
He tells me it's his name is
pastor Joby Martin church, 1122.
And I said, man, you're the third guy
that's told me about this numbers church.
So I take his word and
I immediately go home.
I get the app and I start
watching pastor Joby Martin.
And man, I'm going to tell you what
something came alive inside of me.
I had never heard a guy.
Preach like this.
Just the way that he would deliver the
word of God, he'd make it so funny.
He'd make it so relatable.
And I'm I was on fire and he
three weeks later, He takes me
to see Joby Martin at the church.
We go to this big church.
Now I walk in and I'm going
to be honest with you.
I'm not a big fan of these.
Big huge mega church as they call them.
I used to always turn my back
on that like, oh God, here comes
the money aspect, you know?
Um, But I walked in there.
He has a seat, him and his, him and his
wife, how he had their little area, they
sat and I sit down and then the music.
Uh, the music starts the worship music.
Um,
I stand up and everybody's singing.
I look around and this
church holds 3000 people.
Plus one.
So 3001, there's always
the one more, right.
And, um, I look around and I'm
having this talk with myself.
And I'm seeing all these people
saying, and I'm thinking.
Oh, this is for real.
This is a thing.
Like.
I could feel the power.
In that building.
And I was like, wow.
And then of course Joby comes out.
And to me, he, at this time
he was like a rock star.
I just loved to listen to him.
Preach.
And I'll get back.
But in this sermon he says something
that I'll get back to you later.
Um, So everything's going great.
I'm on fire.
So in the course of that, Billy Graham.
Chosen now it's Joby now.
Ah, I see this movie
called Jesus revolution.
And in there, the only reason I saw it
as the guy that plays, uh, Jonathan Rumi,
who plays Jesus Christ in their chosen.
Now I was playing Lonnie Frisbee in this,
in this movie, which I learned later.
So I was like, oh, I'm definitely in,
you know, well, in the course of that
movie, they're doing they're baptizing
people, like kind of like an inlet
over on the west coast of California.
I remember sitting in the
chair, in the theater going.
I want to be baptized like that.
Because Billy Graham was already
telling him, me and my heart that I
have to proclaim my faith publicly.
That was very important.
And I knew that now.
And I was always apprehensive
to truly crossover, you know,
And I was like, if I'm going to
do it, I'm doing it like that.
Now I was going to get baptized
with a church 1122, but they had.
It had a huge group to do it.
And I was like, ah, I don't
want to get lost in the mix.
So I did it here with the local church
and I got baptized at main beach
where I have served my whole life.
Um, the big joke is I had a friend
of mine and was able to baptize
me and his name's John too.
So my day joke was I got
baptized by a guy named John too.
You.
Um, And right after I got baptized.
Now I'm on fire.
I just thought, man, I'm
going to get baptized.
And my life just gunna, just.
Just take off.
All right after my Baptist and
I had several people tell me.
That the devil was after me.
And I'm thinking why.
I don't understand you guy
gets in the mountain top.
Now you want to pull him down.
And, um,
I'd say within two months, Jesse,
my life went to a H E double hockey
sticks Went to a hell in a hand basket.
I was listening to Joby talk one night.
And he said, man, if you were
your own worst enemy, how
would you come at yourself?
And the devil came at
me through my addiction.
In fact the very first
Scripted I ever Memorized.
was Luke 22 31 32.
And when he's telling Simon,
Simon, behold, Satan has demanded.
To sift you all like wheat.
But I have prayed for you.
At your own faith may not fail.
And once you have turned back,
you must strengthen your brother.
So my addiction takes off
again through my alcoholism.
I start drinking and within two months
it just, it just came falling down.
And luckily the same guy that
turned me on to Jimmy Martin.
Was able to just come into my
apartment and asked me, man, what.
What are we going to do?
What were you going to do?
He said, man, it's obvious these, these
small detoxes aren't working, man.
And he said, I think I can make a call.
And it was a lot of
moving parts that got me.
And I had a dear friend that I
grew up with that runs a treatment
facility in Jacksonville.
Was able to come scoot me up and,
um, And had they not had they
not, I wouldn't have made it.
I know I wasn't enough.
My deep, my disease was taken way over.
Um, so here I am.
Um, back in detox and it's a long,
so I do a 30 day detox followed by
60 to 90 day treatment facility.
So it's tides as the detox
beaches, the recovery center.
And you want to talk about.
Total incomprehensible demoralization.
I'm sitting in detox and knowing
the big book forwards and
backwards, but I can't stay sober.
but I thought I had God, I got Jesus.
Right.
So.
I'm in detox, um, um, you know,
going through the motions,
doing anything and, um,
I remember having my last one on one.
Counselor.
I'll get to this.
He, um, I tell him.
That this time I'm not
going to let anything.
Getting my front of my recovery.
And he goes, including you.
And I thought.
All right.
I can take that, you
know, has God been sober?
You know, he knows what he's doing.
So I kinda took he to that.
I remember that.
I get out.
At tides.
And luckily, since I knew the guy that
ran the facility, he takes me surfing.
And we're out surfing and
we're talking about, you know,
We're catching up basically.
And in the course of a surf and he
looks over at me and we're talking and
he said, pat, You know, in Bill's story
where it says, um, he says this line.
Um, if one fails to enlarge
and perfect a spiritual life.
He will not be able to face
the trials and low spots ahead.
And I looked at him and
I was like, where's that?
And he's like, I think it's bill story.
And I remember.
Resting on that.
Jessie, I remember going.
That was it.
That was it.
I did not continue to
live in 10, 11 and 12.
I did not do increase my
relationship with God.
I didn't turn around and
go help the next man.
I didn't stay there.
Um, so now I'm really, really
understanding where, where,
where kind of what went wrong.
Um, I did not enlarging and
perfect my spiritual life.
So I'm really hanging on to that.
So now that I've got my phone back
and I'm back in treatment, I'm
going and doing a lot of counseling,
which I'm very thankful for.
I got a lot of good therapy.
And in there, I, um, really push for
a, what they call trauma therapy.
And I had a very good
trauma, um, therapist.
Who worked with me.
Um, it was about a six to eight
week course, but a six week course.
And you would meet as in a group
setting two days a week, and
then she would meet with me.
One-on-one.
Once a week.
And that went great.
I really needed that.
It was a lot of things that I needed
to mend with my father, you know,
um, things that were kind of at
the forefront that were blocking
me from the sunlight of the spirit.
So this is funny.
So I've already had this
one therapist say this.
So when we got done towards
the end of my tenure, there.
She sat me down with my last
one-on-one and she says, Hey
Patrick, I got to ask you something.
And I was like, what's that?
She said, are you texting any girls?
And I said, no, ma'am I can honestly
tell you I'm not doing that.
And she says, well, you know,
there's two sins in the program
of alcoholics anonymous.
And me being a big book dump.
I'm thinking, where does that out?
Where.
Where's this, you know,
So I go and look for it.
She said, I'm not going
to tell you where it's at.
You gotta go look for
it so I can look for it.
And I can't find it.
We'll be holed.
It's not in the fourth edition.
It's in the third edition and
it's a story it's on page 5 42.
And the two sins are the first sin
is she tells me is interfering.
With someone else's recovery.
I've done it.
And the second sin was interfering
with your own recovery.
So I've got two different therapist.
That have known me for a
very short period of time.
Basically telling the
same thing about myself.
I'm in the way.
And I've got to get out of the
way, whether it's in my recovery.
And whether it's in my spiritual life.
And I joked with her later.
I said, all you told on yourself,
it's in the third edition.
So you've been sober longer
than 30 years cause it can.
So it's the 2000, cause the fourth edition
came out in 2001 anyways, moving along.
Um,
And the cool thing was, I didn't want
to, again, get to say this earlier.
When I get to beaches recovery, they
take us to church every other weekend.
And you know, where
they took us to church.
Church of 1122.
I'm thinking, this is God, God has
got his hand all in this thing.
So, Anytime I had free time.
I'm either watching.
The pastor.
Debate on college campuses
and I'm learning all about
the word and the gospel.
Uh, you know, all the gospels, Matthew,
mark, Luke, and John, and then so forth.
Um, I'm watching the Watching the chosen.
And I'm constantly, constantly
watching Joby Martin and
anything else that's related to
spirituality and the word of God.
But one night I'm watching the chosen.
And Dallas Jenkins.
Who's the creator he's talking.
And he was talking about
the premise of season three.
Now what I loved about season three and
what I love about Jesus Christ, is it.
He didn't come down and
hang out with the elite.
He came and hung out with the
broken and I qualified for that.
You know, bad news bears basically.
And, um, There was so much
joy and pleasure in that.
But what he also was talking about the
whole premise of season three was faith.
And there's two parts in there
that I there's two different,
um, episodes that I really liked.
There's the one with the, the
woman with the issue of blood.
Um, and all she's saying is she can
just break through the crowd if she
could just touch Jesus, this garment.
That she, she will be healed.
And of course, as you know, she
does, she breaks through the crowd
and she touches Jesus's garment.
He's like, Hey, who touched me?
And you know, he's in a
crowd and hell is he is.
Disciples are like,
everybody's touching to Jesus.
What do you mean?
But, um, he stops because
he said power went out.
And he turned around and remember the
woman that's laying there on the ground.
But what he tells her, it's not
that you touched my garment.
It was your faith that healed you.
So I watched that and there's the other
scene where Peter gets out of the boat.
And he's walking towards
Jesus on the water.
And at first he's man, he's like, like
Joby Martin said, he's like Rick flair,
like, Ooh, he's walking to Jesus.
And all of a sudden he starts to sink.
This lack of faith.
And it hit me, Jesse,
like a ton of bricks.
That's what happened to me?
I had come to Jesus.
But it was my lack of faith.
That was failing me.
Makes me think of a story.
One of the last times that I saw
my father, I had lunch with him.
And this is when I was
on fire for recovery.
And my dad leaned back in his chair
and he was just kind of rocking and he
looks at me and he goes, Hey, sport.
I said, what's up dad.
He goes, man, why don't you take it?
Once you take an easy
on those people in AA.
And I was like, what do you mean?
What are you talking about?
He said, man, cause
they're not all seekers.
Like you are.
And I'm thought who's he been talking to?
And as I got.
Looking back.
I started realizing.
He knew exactly who I was.
He was my father.
I didn't even know Jesse
that I was a seeker.
I didn't know that I was
thirsty for this thing.
I think it's Matthew seven, seven.
I love that line, Basically
it's ask, seek and knock.
So it's asking you will be given
to you seek and you will find.
Knocking the door will open to you.
All this time, I was just seeking.
I had knew that my
spiritual life had failed.
I knew that was what
was lacking in my life.
Um, I really didn't even know that I was.
Really seeking out.
You know, and asking for God.
But boy was I knock and man.
I was knocking on that door, man.
And, uh, there's another line Where it
says the seeing eyes and the hearing ears.
Basically I had ears.
I had ears to hear and eyes to see.
I was just thankful for that, you
know, did that, cause that says,
that's the gift that the Lord gives us.
You know what I mean?
You know, anything he gives you two
of you might want to use anything.
He gives you one of you might want
to not use if you know what I mean.
But, um, but what I'll say, and I want
him to say this so bad was, um, When I
was listening to Joby Martin one night,
this is really what clicked for me.
He gets a place in the sermon
and he's like how he talks
to his, I was like, Hey man.
So what he does too, he's talking.
And he said I had to get to a place
one day where I wasn't a wrongdoer.
And need of a program.
I was a sinner in need of a savior.
And I was like, that
was me this whole time.
Here I am.
And I, and I love AA and AA will,
I will be forever indebted to it.
Because I think that's my
platform to help other people.
But.
This whole time.
I always felt like I was a bad
person trying to get better.
But the whole time, I was just
a black hearted rec center.
That needed a savior.
You know, I used to see ears to hear.
that was just where I
I'm so thankful that God.
Just.
Kind of blessed me with that.
So to speak, and I think what was cool
was all, this was all coming together.
So.
That I was able to just, you.
I'm buddy was joking the other day.
I said, I, I was able to, just to
get out of the way, just enough.
For that, for that to come in, you know?
Um, so
I get out of treatment this
past January 18th, And, um,
I'm just doing everything that's asked to
me now, you know, I really, really, um,
How do I say this?
I just.
I just love Jesus Christ.
It just, it gives me this whole
new meaning in my life today.
Um, It gives me this moral
compass, so to speak.
most of my friends today are either
in recovery or believers are both.
I didn't even plan that.
It's just the way it's happened.
And there's another guy.
The guy that actually baptized me.
His name is John.
I hope you don't mind me saying
this, but we meet periodically to.
You know, the last three
steps in the program box.
Hamas anonymous is 10, 11, 12, and we
maintain that relationship within ourself.
And then we increase the relationship
with God, but we turn around and give to
the next alcoholic or suffering addict.
Um, the message that it was so freely
given to us, I call it the gospel now,
because I use my walk with Christ now.
And one of the things that
I like to do, I call it.
The feel felt found.
When I'm working with somebody or
talking to somebody, I can look at
them and go, Hey, I know how you feel.
I felt the same way.
And this is what I found.
And to me, I'm just so
thankful that God is using me.
The way I was always tended to be used.
You know, I've turned this
negative into a positive today.
Um,
My life has just taken
on a whole new meaning.
As long as I continue
to stay out of the way.
And as long as long as I maintain
my faith in Jesus, I can't go wrong.
So let me ask you something
You know, earlier.
I had asked, you know, what was the.
Thought process that went through
your mind every time you get
out of treatment and you'd been.
Clean for awhile.
And then your.
Just decided to start using again.
I just wondered what The thought
process was And, I think you just.
Explained it and it has to do with.
Not using your faith.
So, can you talk about that?
you know, it's funny you say that.
Um, I shared this story recently.
Uh, Several months ago, I was all fun.
From work, which usually is a busy night.
And I didn't know what to do with my time.
Um, I had ran some errands that day.
Um, I had shopped as
much as a man could shop.
I had a up until my belly was full.
And I went and saw a movie that
I really didn't care to see.
And I'm coming back onto the island.
Over the bridge.
It's probably about 10
or 11 o'clock at night.
And that thought went through my head.
I can still stop at this corner GFE.
And as I was coming down the bridge.
I say, wait a minute,
pat, hold up for a minute.
And it hit me.
How could you ever take a drink?
After what Christ and
dirt for you on the cross.
That was the stopping point.
That was where the fate came into play.
That was where the understanding
of what Jesus Christ came for.
You know, Joby always taught us this.
Uh, not only did Christ die for
us, but he died in place of us.
And all this started
making sense, you know?
Um, And I understood now for the first
time in my life, you know, I's the C.
Ears to hear.
I started understanding.
How important my spiritual life was.
And now that I had this in place,
That was the stopping point.
There's a part in the book of alcoholics.
Uh, anonymous where it says, uh, there's
there's, it's not, if it's when there
is going to come a time, that the only
thing between you and I drank is God.
And I witnessed that firsthand
and thank, thank God.
Thank you, Jesus.
That I had that thought process
and I was able to see that.
And placed out in front of that And
so I tell people all the time, you
know, I try not to, you know, I'm not
going to water down my, my spiritual
pro spiritual program for anyone.
If you're really out
there sick and suffering.
You've got to find God.
You just really do.
I mean, that was that.
That'll always be my story.
You know, so many different
places in so many different
times where that came into play.
And then every time I fell, it was because
of my wife where I was spiritually.
Um, and my relationship with God.
And, I'm just thankful for
the people in my life today.
Um, You know, I surround myself.
I have a tribe.
I always make this joke, you know?
It is cooling as bad as Jesus was.
He still had 12 disciples, you know?
Um, but I, I'm just very thankful and I
tell people today all the time that I'm
living the life today, that always wanted.
Just total freedom, man.
I mean, I can't tell you how
long I lived in active addiction,
where I get up every day.
And just.
Oh, God, I just, I would
just be in so much pain.
I would either be too high or too sick.
And I just was not present in
the, in the, in the real world.
And today I'm just, it's a gift.
It's just a gift and, um,
I just want to share it with everybody.
I just want to tell everybody.
Well, that brings me to a dilemma
that I've had to deal with for years.
So I'm going to ask you something.
No.
AA had to come up with a generic God.
back in the beginning in order to help.
Yes, many alcoholics have.
As possible cause.
You know, back in the thirties,
the church was pretty ignorant
about how to handle those, stinky.
Unruly centers and, Christian's basically.
Either shunned.
Alcoholics or solemn as
projects, you know, to be saved.
And there wasn't really an understanding
of alcoholism as a spiritual disease.
So, alcoholics got a pretty
bad taste in their mouth.
Uh, no pun intended.
From the, you know, all about church.
Didn't one.
Hear anything about that?
God that the church had put forth.
So the founders had to broaden
the concept of God by using the
term, God, as we understood him,
So each individual could feel safe.
coming into AA, working the program.
of course that didn't change
God, but it did change peoples.
Perceptions.
And I think that was a good thing.
But, knowing what, you know.
Now.
how do you handle.
Talking to people who still have
this bad taste in their mouth about.
Jesus, How do you handle.
Someone who has that generic garden
and they're quite comfortable with it.
What are you?
What do you say about that?
Oh, wow.
Um,
This is what I have come.
This is, this is me.
Um, I had a really good sponsor
that would always tell me.
When I was helping somebody.
Now we're talking about
the big book first.
He would say, pat, let, let
the book do the work because
it keeps you and I had of it.
So now what I do is I
pick up the big, big book.
And I tell people and I tell myself and
tell people, let the book do the work.
Because it just keeps you and I had of it.
Um, so.
What if I think where my service will come
in is maybe not in a group setting, like
in a, in a meeting, but it's a one-on-one
with another alcoholic or addict.
Cause I think that's just
where I'm at today in my life.
And.
I just, all I can tell him is what
worked for me and what didn't.
And the.
This, just the whole storyline of
Jesus Christ, what he came for and what
he did and what he continues to do.
It's for me, it's just undeniable.
And I understand that they AA
is very roomy when they come in.
Because if I would have come in many,
many years ago and you told me, Hey,
you got to believe in Jesus Christ.
I'd been out the door, you
know, I wouldn't have stayed.
But what I want to tell
people, man, is that.
Just do the work.
And if you don't have a God,
well, I'll let you borrow mine.
And then let them come
to terms on their own.
Let them see the truth for what it is.
Um, that's kinda what I
wanted to say this earlier.
Cause I mean, I could talk for
hours on this thing, but you
know, when John, where it says I
am the way the truth and the lie.
So to me, because I'm
a truth seeker, Jessie.
So for me, Cause I got so.
Uh, Enthused in the big book of alcoholics
anonymous and what it was doing well now
it's just moved on to A higher level.
Now I'm into the truth of the word of God.
Because.
With him, I can do anything.
As long as I stay out of the way.
And.
And keep the fate, you know, But
I guess I answered your question.
I hope I did.
Yeah.
I just.
If I could tell anybody anything today.
It was just, I would just tell them.
Just do your best to stay out of the way.
Just stay out of the way, man, because.
W, you know, one of the most enlightening
words my grandfather told my dad
one time, and then my dad told me.
As a.
God made a perfect world.
But man's been messing it up for years.
You know what I mean?
And so.
I am just a prime example of that.
Every time that I got
in a way it got worse.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
And now that I'm out of the way.
Things are only getting better.
You know, I put him at the forefront.
You know, I trust God.
I clean house daily.
And I turned around and I helped
him next second, suffering
individual, whatever may it be?
Mine happens to be
drugs and alcohol today.
But, um, it can, it can manifest in
any different ways, you know, that.
So, um, That's where I find the
joy, my singleness of purpose today.
I'm I am living the life
that God intended me to live.
I truly see that today.
And to me, that's just a blessing.
You know, I believe in miracles.
I am one.
All right.
Well, we're getting close to the end of
our time now, but I just want to ask you.
Uh, if you.
could just share one bit of wisdom.
I know you've already shared a lot
of wisdom, but if there's one major,
bit of wisdom that you could share
with somebody out there who might
be struggling, what would it be?
that there is hope.
And never give up.
Even when, even when you're just down.
Just never give up.
I had said this earlier, and
I'll continue to say this.
You got to get out of your own way.
You really do.
And sometimes we got to put, we've
got to listen to others, people
that have been there before us.
Um, I'm thankful for that.
That's that's a hard
thing to do, you know?
Um, Uh, that's why I liked the
program of alcoholics anonymous, man.
They're not telling us what to do.
They're telling us what they've done.
If there was one bit of wisdom, I
guess I'll go to scripture again.
It is a.
Asking you to receive.
C can, you will find.
And just knock man.
Bang, if you have to, and that.
All open.
It will, it opened for me and
it's going to open for many
others and that's the joy in it.
Uh, it's beautiful.
It sounds like a good place to end.
Um, Would you mind praying for.
Our listeners today.
I'll be glad to.
Heavenly father, we come to you today.
I want to, I want to thank you.
for this opportunity to spread, not
my message, but your message Lord.
I want you to.
Continue doing this for Jessie.
This is a great opportunity
and a good platform.
For your word.
I want you to continue to give.
Eyes to see and ears to hear.
To the ones that are still
out there suffering God.
And if they come to you,
Allow them to receive it.
Allow you to be found when they seek you.
And keep allowing that door
to open when they knock.
Lord.
I want to thank you for this
wonderful life that you've
given me and countless others.
I'm so grateful for your love.
I'm so grateful for your
patience and your tolerance.
More importantly.
I'm just so grateful for you, Lord.
And I thank you from
the bottom of my heart.
And everything that you do.
And go out there and grab that
one more like you did with may.
How you left the 99 and
you came and found me.
I want you to do that for
everyone out there to Lord.
And I know you will.
I know you will.
And Lord.
Hi, I asked.
That you just.
Keep seeking everyone that's out
there struggling and suffering
from this terrible illness.
Especially in this day and age.
And it's so terrible.
I ask that you just give them your heart.
Give him your love.
Give him your kindness,
just like you did me.
And your name.
Jesus Christ.
Amen.
Hey man.
Cailin: We hope you've been
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But none of that is relevant.
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So don't be intimidated.
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