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The cost & courage of caring - stories that spark resilience.
Welcome back to the Caregivers
Podcast.
I'm your host, Dr.
Mark Ropaleski, and you can call
me Dr.
Mark.
Today, we're talking about one of
the hardest emotions for
caregivers to admit.
Resentment.
Not just anger, not just guilt,
not just exhaustion.
Resentment.
The feeling that builds when
you've been carrying too much for
too long with too little help.
The feeling that says, I love this
person, and I resent what this is
doing to me.
For many caregivers, that sentence
feels almost impossible to say out
loud.
They worry it means that they're
selfish, ungrateful, or failing
the person they love.
But resentment is not always a
moral failure.
Sometimes it's a signal.
It may be telling us that the
caregiver is isolated,
unsupported, grieving,
overwhelmed,
and being asked to carry something
no one person was meant to carry
alone.
Our guest today is Elaine K.
Sanchez.
Elaine is the founder of
caregiverhelp.com, a caregiver
speaker, and the author of Letters
from Madeline, Chronicles of a
Caregiver.
She's spent decades helping
caregivers name and work through
the emotions that caregiving
cultures often tell them to hide.
Elaine, welcome to The Caregiver's
Podcast.
And before we begin, please take a
moment to subscribe or follow The
Caregiver's Podcast wherever
you're listening.
It's completely free, and it's one
of the best ways to support the
show and keep it around,
and help these conversations reach
more caregivers who really need
them.
Elaine Sanchez, welcome to The
Caregiver's Podcast.
We're so happy you're here to join
us today.
Thank you, Dr.
Mark.
I love your podcast, and I'm
honored to be a guest.
Well, in the tradition of the
podcast, we're going to jump right
in.
And tell me, Elaine, why is
resentment probably the emotion
caregivers are most afraid to say
out loud?
Well, I think we always want to be
loving, kind, patient.
We understand that our care
receiver can't help what's
happened to them, whether it's
through a physical injury or it's
a disease like Alzheimer's or
Parkinson's.
They can't help it.
And we're healthy, and they're
not.
So we want to be this perfect,
loving caregiver, but we're human.
And you get to the point that you
resent not having any time to
yourself and that you always have
to put them and their needs ahead
of your own.
And I don't think it's at all
unusual for people to resent how
much time it takes, how much money
it costs, the freedom that they
have lost to pursue their own
interests, to travel, to be with
friends, to do the things that
bring them pleasure.
And you can't be human and not
have some of these feelings.
But when we talk about resentment
and caregiving, what are we really
talking about?
I mean, how is that different from
anger in the moment or, you know,
fleeting frustration that passes?
In most caregiving situations,
it's a long journey.
And you don't have an end date to
it.
So you are looking at your life
and your own aging progression.
And you may realize at some point
that by the time your care
receiver passes, and I know this
sounds harsh, that you may not
have much life left.
And I think when we give
everything we have to someone else
at our own expense, resentment is
inevitable.
We hear those statistics about 30%
of caregivers dying before the
care recipient.
Do you think resentment that's
unresolved accelerates that?
I'm not a statistician.
I can't tell you that.
But I can tell you from what I
have seen that I think it is one
of the factors.
And I think that carrying that
kind of heavy emotion impacts our
bodies and our brains.
And when you're feeling that kind
of resentment, are you taking care
of yourself?
Are you getting the exercise that
you need?
Are you eating appropriate foods?
Are you getting the breaks?
And if you don't, I think that,
and again, I'm not a doctor, but I
think that doing all of those
things cascade into a series of
other physical and emotional
complications.
Resentment, cascade, I like that
concept.
Yeah.
Maybe that is the final sort of
straw that just causes what you've
assembled in terms of your own
ability to self-care to just sort
of start crumbling once that
really entrenches.
It could.
I think resentment and guilt are
two very, well, there are a lot of
damaging emotions, but those are
two big ones.
And I think, Dr.
Marks, that a lot of times people
feel this resentment, and then
they feel guilty about it.
And then they just go back and
forth, that they want to be a good
caregiver.
They want to be loving.
They want to do this as an act of
love.
And it's just hard because you
can't control another person's
behavior, and you can't control
the progression of the disease.
And it's hard.
I can see in the setting of those
odds, it could even trigger a
sense of panic or complete loss of
agency.
So, Elaine, why does this
caregiver resentment often feel so
much bigger than the moment that
actually triggers it?
I mean, a glass spilling or
medications being refused or the
same question asked maybe 10
times, but suddenly the caregiver
just explodes.
Is that because the reaction is
not about that one moment, but
actually about the months and
months and years that have piled
up with just too much
responsibility with no relief?
Absolutely.
You nailed it.
It's just the monotony and the
repetitiveness and the sameness of
every single day until there's a
crisis.
And then you have, you know,
something big to respond to.
But most of the time, I think most
days for most caregivers, is just
a rinse and repeat cycle.
It's the same thing.
And people get lonely.
They become isolated.
They don't find the time or the
energy to take care of themselves.
And when that happens, then of
course they're going to explode.
Because maybe they've already done
four loads of sheets today, you
know.
They've taken out a basket full of
the pens.
You know, who knows?
They've answered the same question
30 times in the last 30 minutes.
So, of course they get upset and
frustrated.
And that leads to resentment and
that leads to the cork coming off
and you're blowing up.
And who could blame them?
So, when resentment's suppressed,
where does suppressed resentment
go if the caregiver can't even
speak and tell the truth about it?
Where does it go?
That's a really good question.
I think it, I don't have a
clinical answer for that.
I think it just builds.
You know, what I see is kind of
like a pyramid.
You know, you just, you have this
kind of foundation.
You know, the base of the
frustration and the feeling of
entrapment and the feeling of
monotony and isolation.
And then one thing on top of
another.
And, you know, if someone is
taking care of a loved one who has
Alzheimer's and you get to the
late afternoon and the caregiver
is exhausted.
And then all of a sudden, the care
receiver starts displaying
sundowning behaviors.
It's going to blow.
Unless they learn some strategies
for de-escalating or, you know,
not increasing the cortisol in the
person with dementia during the
day.
Of course you're going to blow.
Unless you don't have any sense of
self left at all.
I don't, you know, people need
tools to do this.
And they need help.
They need support.
They need to know that they're not
alone.
And I believe it's really
important for caregivers to know
that all of these negative
feelings don't make them a bad
person.
It makes them human.
And, you know, the feelings are
going to come.
It's what you do with them that's
going to make a difference in how
you feel about yourself and your
care receiver.
Well, at the same time, though,
can a caregiver deeply love
someone and still resent caring
for them?
Oh, absolutely.
And I would say that most
caregivers do.
You know, I know you talk about
people who care for people who
never cared for them, like
parents, right?
And you can have a troubled
marriage and really resent them.
But you can also resent a person
for getting old, for becoming
incapacitated, for all of the
things that are lost to you that
you used to be able to do,
for the person they used to be,
you know, for the way you used to
partner with them.
And then they're no longer capable
of that.
I had one friend, a caregiver, who
said, I feel like I'm operating
two nervous systems.
You know, I have to do everything
to take care of him.
I have to do every single thing
for him, from everything that he
drinks, to what he eats, to what
he wears, to, you know, getting
him up and out of the chair,
getting him to sit down on the
toilet.
I have to do all of that for him.
And I have to do everything to
take care of myself.
So when you think of it in those
terms, and you do that for years,
for years, how do you not feel
resentful?
Certainly not without a need of
some sort of outlet.
It almost sounds like you don't
resent the person.
You resent the situation that
you're forced to experience that
person in.
Yes.
Whether it's because of systematic
issues or whether it's progressive
decline due to chronic disease.
But then that's, I guess, part of
the more complex mourning process
that is involved in all of this,
even pre-deceasing.
I think you really got that and
understand that this is, as much
as resentment, it's a part of the
grieving process before a loved
one dies.
And it's that grief that, you
know, of losing them inch by inch,
day by day.
You've spoken with a lot of people
over the years.
What happens when caregivers
believe that if they love someone
enough, they should not resent
what caregiving is doing to their
life?
I don't know that everybody admits
it.
But I would be willing to bet a
substantial amount of money that
every caregiver feels it.
And it, obviously, it would be in
varying degrees that, and so much
of it would depend upon the
relationship with you, that you
had with them before they became
your care receiver.
It's easier to resent someone who
was never good to you, like a
parent who was abusive or
neglectful.
I'd resent the heck out of them.
But when you've been with
somebody, whether it's a good
parent or a good spouse, and
they've, you know, you've had a
good life together, I think, I
think, again, I'm not a doctor,
but I think they tend to resent
the situation more than the
person.
Well, that makes sense.
When caregivers say, I know it's
not their fault, I know they can't
help it, I love them, but I still
resent what my life has become.
Yeah.
What are they trying to reconcile
in themselves?
You know, I don't know, Dr.
Mark.
I think sometimes just the act of
saying it.
And hearing it with your ears as
it's coming out, and it's almost
like an honest admission.
Yes, it is an honest admission,
and if they can say that in a safe
place, they're going to see every
other caregiver that's going to
go,
And, you know, it isn't reasonable
to expect people to not feel
resentment, but I think if they
can be in a safe place with people
who are not going to judge them,
And they know that having, that
they're not alone, and that having
these feelings is normal, then I
think it's easier.
Easier in community, for sure.
It is, it is.
And that's one of the things that
so many caregivers live in
isolation.
And they don't want to say, you
know, one time my mother got so
angry at my dad.
She said, if you do that again, I
am going to take a belt to you.
And then she wrote to me, and she
said, I've never heard him.
And I never want to, but last
night I felt like it.
And I think the act of writing
that in a letter to me helped her
release some of that anger,
because she acknowledged it.
And she owned it, that that was
how she was feeling.
And when caregivers, other
caregivers hear that, they're
like, wow, she has the, you know,
she had the courage to say what
I've only thought.
And then I think I'm a really bad
person for thinking this.
Well, it may just, it might
actually just open the exit of the
heart, so to speak, to let those
emotions actually pass through
you.
You can't get rid of them.
I like that.
And you can't, you can't, you
can't suppress, you can suppress
them, and they just keep swirling
inside of you.
But if that outlet allows them to
pass through you finally, and, you
know, this is inspired by some of
the work,
people like Michael Singer, who's
really influential in sort of
keeping that open heart flow
concept.
But I think, I think caregiving
communities probably facilitate
that process, or as you mentioned,
the interaction with you, with the
letter, and some means to express
it.
I really like that statement,
opens the exit to the heart, or
from the heart.
But what did you say?
Exit from, exit from the heart,
yeah.
Exit from the heart, that you take
this really hard feeling, and, and
you just let it out.
That's beautiful.
Well, that's what I got from,
among many things, from reading
Michael Singer's books, for sure.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know, sometimes caregivers
just feel a flash of relief when
the person they care for goes into
the hospital,
enters long-term care, or actually
even finally sleeps a night.
Yes.
Others even feel relief after a
person passes.
Yes.
And then feel so guilty for
feeling that.
Yes.
But what does relief actually
mean?
I think it means freedom for a
little bit.
I think it means you will have,
you will have a little time to
rest, to sleep, to recover.
My experience with most caregivers
who have been taking care of
someone for a very long time,
when they die, it's like, you
know, I'm relieved.
I don't feel sadness.
And then about six months down the
road, when the reality hits them,
that they're really gone,
then all of the things, this was
in my mother's case.
You know, when, when my dad died,
I said, Mom, please get involved
in the hospice grief counseling
program at your church.
And her response was, oh, hell,
I've been grieving for seven
years.
I am done with that.
I don't need that.
And then she started, she told me
that she started waking up in the
morning and feeling the weight and
the warmth of his body next to her
in bed.
And, and I said, how does that
feel?
And she said, well, it's
comforting.
And I said, you know what I mean?
It's a little spooky.
And then she started just reliving
every moment that she had not been
as saintly or as kind or as
patient as she wanted to be.
And she was beating herself up
with, with guilt.
And again, I said, please get in
the hospice grief counseling
program.
And she did.
And, and the thing that helped her
is that she was able to meet with
other people.
She was able to talk openly and
honestly about not being a saint
and about not being a perfect
caregiver,
about really feeling relief and
gladness when he died.
And it wasn't because she didn't
love him.
It was just because she had
reached the end.
And, you know, as you said, 30% of
caregivers die before the care
receiver.
And that's why, especially when
you're looking at older caregivers
that have their own health care
issues that they don't take care
of,
that they put on hold so they can
take care of their care receiver.
You've seen that.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
When resentment shows up in a
caregiver and we actually view it
as data instead of a character
flaw, what is it measuring?
Yeah, that's a great question.
And I think that's a great
question to ask all caregivers.
If this is data and not just
feeling, then what is
contributing?
I'm a big advocate of writing
things down.
You know, becoming aware.
What are the things that are
making you feel frustrated?
And then naming them.
You can do this a lot of ways.
You can talk about it.
You can think about it.
But writing it down really helps
you look at it.
And then it helps you to look at
it as data.
Okay, so I resent that I can't,
that I've had to drop out of a lot
of the social circles that I used
to belong to.
I resent that I can't, I can't
just go for a walk with a friend
or pick up the phone and say, hey,
would you like to go get a cup of
coffee?
Or could we go see a movie?
Or would you like to come over for
dinner?
I resent that our life that was
once like this is now like this
and that I don't have a lot of
options left to me.
I resent that I can't afford
long-term care and that I'm the
one that's going to be stuck doing
this, you know, probably for the
rest of my life.
So when you look at the data, if
you get people to list the things
that are making them feel angry,
resentful, frustrated, you know,
all of these things, and writing
it down, I think, first of all,
the act of writing it down is very
cathartic.
And then you can say, okay, now
what do I want to do with this
information?
What do I do with it?
What happens then to a caregiver
when the person they're caregiving
for becomes the center of
everybody else's concern, but they
almost become invisible in the
face of the caregiver's suffering
because they're still the ones who
function at such a high level?
Of course, of course.
I went into a store several years
ago, and I saw a woman who's been
taking care of her husband for
years.
He has MS, and he's, you know,
he's in a wheelchair.
And we just chit-chatted, and I
told her what I did, and that I
helped caregivers manage the
emotional stress of caregiving.
And she said, well, yeah, I guess
I will be a caregiver one of these
days.
And I said, for crying out loud,
you've been a caregiver for years.
And she said, well, thank you.
I said, taking care of Mark is not
easy, and you have to meet all of
his needs before you even think
about yours.
And she said, well, thank you for
noticing.
Everybody says, poor Mark, poor
Mark, poor Mark, but nobody ever
asked about me, about how I feel.
And I think that is a source of
resentment, that, you know, people
will say you're a saint.
And one woman in one of my support
groups says, I am not a saint.
And it makes me angry when people
say that I am because I don't feel
like a saint.
You know, the feelings that I have
are not saintly.
So I really think it's important
to acknowledge caregivers and to
say, you are carrying a heavy
load.
I know this is hard.
And I suggest that caregivers go
around with a list in their pocket
because people will always say,
well, can I do anything to help?
You know, if I can help, give me a
call.
And it's like, well, you know,
here's my list.
And I've still had a bunch of
things written down on it.
And if you want to take any of
these, just let me know and I
would be really appreciative.
A lot of people will disappear and
some people will actually step up
and help.
Or that classic line, you know,
you should really come over for
supper one time.
As opposed to, I'm inviting you
next week.
When are you free?
Yes, yes, yeah, yeah.
And you could say, oh, gosh, that
would be great.
What night works for you?
Most of us don't have the courage
to do that.
It does take courage or
determination, at least.
Yeah.
Elaine, do caregivers ever become
resentful of themselves?
Not just for what caregiving has
taken from them, but for what they
feel caregiving has turned them
into?
Oh, that's an interesting thing.
Do they become resentful of
themselves?
Now, I am...
Almost like they let themselves
become that way and then they have
this moment where,
I can't believe I've become this
way.
I can't believe I've turned into
this.
Like, is there...
It's almost like an
auto-resentment that's a bit
different from resentment of
external forces.
Sure.
Because we want to be kind and
loving.
And then when we snap, then we
feel guilty and we feel sorry and
we feel sad.
And we know that we've wounded our
care receiver with sharp words.
So, I don't know if we resent
ourselves as much as we feel
guilty.
And I think that that is a really
detrimental feeling.
And I know that you've talked
about setting boundaries on this
show a lot.
And I think that's one of the most
important things that caregivers
need to do.
And they need to put it in I
terms.
I, not you.
And so, when...
I had a situation with a dear
friend whose husband was dying.
They knew he was dying.
They knew there was nothing left
that they could do for him.
His heart was failing.
He had had all of the surgeries
that he could have.
And so, she was caring for him at
home because he just, he refused
to go into assistive living or any
kind of long-term care.
And so, she called me and she was
so, so exhausted.
And she said, you know, what can I
do?
And I said, well, can you hire
some non-medical personnel to come
in?
And if he doesn't sleep at night,
have them stay with him at night,
and then you sleep during the day.
And she says, he doesn't want any
strangers coming into the house.
And I said, well, do you have any
children or any friends that would
come over?
Well, no, that wasn't a solution.
So, I suggested, I said, tell him
that you love him, but you have to
have some help.
And you have to be able to sleep
at night.
And so, you need to be able to
hire somebody to come in and give
you a break.
And his response was, well, I'm
going to die pretty soon.
So, you know what?
You can sleep when I'm dead.
And she brought it up to him
again, and he just said, well, I
am sorry.
I am such a burden to you.
And so, she called me again, and I
said, you just need to be a little
bit firmer.
And she blew me away because she
went back into his bedroom, and
she said, okay, darling, here's
the deal.
If you won't let me hire somebody
to come in, you're going to have
to move out.
And he said, what do you mean move
out?
She said, I can't do this without
help.
And so, you have said nobody can
come into the house.
So, I am going to go start calling
some skilled nursing facilities,
and we're just going to have to
move you out.
Well, then he was willing to let
her hire some help to come in.
And I think that for caregivers,
you asked earlier, do they resent
themselves?
And I would say that the times
that caregivers get really angry
with themselves is sometimes when
they are a doormat for other
people.
And then they think, I should
stand up to them.
I should have the courage to say
what I need, and I should follow
through with it.
So, setting boundaries, I think
that's a really good place to
start.
You hear these days about the term
setting boundaries, and it pops up
on the grid in a lot of
circumstances, not just
caregiving.
And some people say it's maybe
even gone too far, that
everybody's setting a boundary.
But we have this natural tendency
to set boundaries or think about
setting boundaries with the
outside forces, the outside
individuals.
Yes.
But maybe boundaries within
ourselves when it comes to
caregiving and guilt and
resentment.
But having that skill set to say,
I'm holding myself to this
boundary, doesn't involve anybody
else, doesn't involve the system
or the person I'm caring for, but
involves me.
That might actually be the skill
that needs to be developed, the
self-boundary.
I think so.
And it's hard for people who are
caregivers, who are naturally
empathetic.
And you've talked about this on
some of your other shows, to put
themselves first.
And setting a boundary really
requires that you do that.
And, you know, a lot of people
talk about I statements, and I
really embrace that.
And it would be, I can't do that.
I'm not willing to do that.
I understand that this is going to
upset you, but I need to do this
for myself.
And then, you know, if they keep
pushing, which people who are, if
you're in a codependent
relationship, people are really
good at making you feel guilty and
doing what you don't want to do
because you need to please them,
right?
And after a certain point, you
said, I said, I said, no, I mean,
no, I'm not going to change my
mind.
So stop.
And then, at some point, you can
just walk out.
You know, I'm done talking about
this.
And you just walk out.
It's like my friend did with her
husband.
It's like, you're going to have to
move out.
And he knew.
I mean, this was, they had been
married over 50 years, and this
was the first time she had ever
stood up to him and got his
attention.
And she got the help she needed.
Pretty courageous moment.
And I don't see lack of love
popping up in that circumstance.
Just some courage.
Yeah, just courage.
And it does take courage.
You're right.
It does take courage to say no to
a person who needs a lot of help.
And it doesn't mean that you are
abandoning them.
It just means that you are not
willing to give up your entire
self to take care of them.
And that, I know it sounds
selfish.
But I always say self-care is not
selfish.
If you run yourself into the
ground physically, emotionally,
mentally, and if you can no longer
do this, then somebody else is
going to have to step in.
And who might that be?
Who's going to take care of them
if you die, right?
And obviously there are lots of
different resources, some which
are, you know, economically
sensitive, and we need to be
mindful of that.
But there's also community in
different forms that's free, and
every little bit helps.
It does.
Switching gears a little bit, many
caregivers tell us that their
deepest resentment is actually not
towards the person who's receiving
care, but it's towards the
siblings.
Yeah, it's the siblings and family
members who left them to carry the
burden alone.
Why does that resentment become so
intense and so hard to let go of?
Because it's so unfair.
And, you know, you think we were
all raised in the same house.
We have the same DNA.
Why don't every, why don't they
see it the way I do?
I've known two families.
I heard you talk on another show
about, you know, some families
that work together.
I started my caregiving journey in
1993, and I have known two
families in which all of the
siblings contributed equally.
They all agreed, you know, they
all helped during the long
illnesses of their parents, and
there were no fights at the end.
I think that's very, very unusual.
And the truth is, we're all born
as individuals, and the people we
marry, where we live, the work we
do, our education, our social
circles, we end up being very,
very different in, you know, with
our just lived experience.
There are so many times, and I had
it in my own family, that one
person steps up, and the person
who should be, maybe the person
who is nearest, or the person who
has the most time and availability
does not.
And so, I encourage people to
write a letter, and to hold them
accountable, and to just say, this
is what I see, and this is how
your actions or inactions are
affecting mom or dad or both of
them, and this is what I would
like for you to do to fix it.
Now, a lot of times, that doesn't
fix anything, except it takes this
load off of your heart and out of
your mind, it puts it on paper, it
puts them on notice, and
surprisingly, it did make a
difference in our family.
So, I didn't, and I think when you
write a letter, and you hold
people accountable, you can't
expect change.
Maybe it will happen, but more
than anything, it just takes that
burden and that resentment out of
your own heart, and you give it
the exit.
Right.
You take it out of your heart, and
you put it over here, and then you
can go on about your business.
This is for you.
Yes, this is for you.
Yeah, yeah.
This is for you to share.
Yeah, and to have and to hold
until you decide to change.
There's so many dynamics of
caregiving that can fuel
resentment, but I think there's
one that's really important that
we touch on.
How much do you think caregiver
resentment actually comes from
being handed a responsibility for
someone's safety and survival and
dignity without actually having
the training, support, or
protection that that
responsibility requires?
Because most people who take this
on have very busy, full lives
before they take on the
responsibility of caregiving.
And how do you do that?
This comes back to me thinking
about the preemptive issues and
having conversations with your
aging parents, even if they are in
great health.
And I am such a strong advocate of
talking, talking to your spouse,
talking to your parents, and
saying,
if you should become
incapacitated, how do you want to
be cared for?
Who do you want to do this?
How will it be paid for?
And I went through this with my
parents.
My dad lived until 1997, and my
mom died in 2002.
And so I went through this with
them, and then I cared for my Aunt
Jean, my mother's only sister, for
10 years.
And these were very busy times in
my life.
I was a single mom with three
teenage kids when my dad had a
heart, when my dad had this
stroke.
And then I was, you know, I was
still at a very busy point in my
life when I was taking care of
Aunt Jean.
So how do you fit this in?
And I'm just a really strong
advocate of talking to them.
And I think for each one of us,
when we are healthy and we have
the capacity,
we should be getting our
end-of-life ducks in a row.
And I have a disability,
disability instructions that are
10 pages long that tell my kids,
you know,
everything from the fact that I
don't want to live with any of
them, that if I need to go into
long-term care,
if I need to be in a memory care
unit, I will be an escape risk.
And so put me someplace where I
can walk or I can get outside in
nature.
I don't want to listen to certain
television.
I don't want the TV on all day
long.
So I have put, and my husband has
put, very, very specific
instructions on how we want to be
cared for.
We have long-term care insurance
policies.
So we've said this is, you know,
here's the money.
Here's how we're going to be cared
for.
And a lot of families don't have
the assets for that, but they need
to think about that.
You know, if, if, if I expected my
child to take care of me,
and if, if that child isn't going
to be able to work any longer to
take care of me,
then how am I going to provide for
their financial safety?
Because I don't think any of us
want our kids to end up losing
their careers,
their own savings, their own lives
to take care of us.
Yeah, we don't want that to happen
to them.
And, and I think it starts with
us.
It starts with those of us who are
probably going to need care
someday.
I think it's really summed up in
this way,
in that resentment is really not a
dark feeling,
but it, it may just be measuring
grief, inequity, isolation,
unsupported labor.
Yes.
Yes.
I've never put it that way before,
but that's right.
Yeah.
Offloaded by the system.
Yes.
A lot of people are very
unprepared to take someone home
and become a caregiver overnight
without instruction, without basic
understanding of how to move
people,
without injuring themselves.
Right.
But, you know, furthermore, the
loss of self or just that anger at
a system
that left the caregiver alone way
too much.
Yes.
And you say, you know, you take
them home and you have to learn
how to care for them.
And that's, that's the easy part,
you know, because you can give
very explicit instructions
on how you can lift someone
without injuring your own back.
And I've had friends who have had
to do the dialysis at home.
And as frightening as it was, they
learned how to do those tests.
And those are hard tasks.
But we give more attention to the
physical aspects of caregiving to
the caregiver than we do to their
own emotional well-being.
And it's unfortunate in the U.S.,
a lot of millions of people lost
access to caregiver support in
when Area Agencies on Aging lost
their funding for caregiver
support.
And a lot of employee resource
programs were downsized or
eliminated.
And so we have millions of people
who are still working, you know,
and they're raising children
and they're caring for aging
parents or a sick spouse or a
disabled child.
So the work that we're doing to
try to support caregivers and hold
them up and give them validation
and community and support, I
think, is really, really
important.
I couldn't agree more.
In your experience, Elaine, when
does a resenting caregiver
actually become dangerous,
either to themselves or to the
person receiving care?
Is there a point of no return?
I'm sure there is.
I've not been there.
My mother got close, but she
didn't get there.
I think it's what you said.
It's data, and we have to be aware
if we think we're getting close to
that.
It's safer to walk out of the
house, to call a crisis line, to
call a friend, to call a child,
to say, I'm afraid I might hurt
her or I'm afraid I might hurt
him.
Or myself.
I grew up in a farm community in
Kansas, and there was a couple
that she had had a lot of
surgeries and a lot of illness,
and she had just been diagnosed
with something, and he had an
issue, and he just went into the
garage and turned down the car and
put the hose into the house and
killed them both.
And I think people do get to the
point where they think, I cannot
handle one more crisis, and I'm
not going to be able to take care
of her if I can't take care of
myself.
And so part of that is knowing
when you're getting there, because
it's understandable, but it's
tragic.
It's really tragic.
So when a caregiver then first
notices that resentment's starting
to build, what's the first
question they should ask
themselves?
What is it?
What are the people, the
situations, the events, what's
going on right now that's making
me feel resentful?
That's the first step.
And then the second step is to
look at it.
The second step is acceptance.
And this is the hardest step,
because this is where you say,
okay, do I have any influence,
authority, or control over this
situation?
Is there anything I can do to make
it better or to make it go away?
And then the third step is you
take action.
So if there's nothing that can be
done, then do you obsess over it?
Let it be the first thing that
wakes you up every morning, the
last thing you think about at
night, the thing that wakes you up
at 3 a.m.?
Or do you find a way to release
your emotional attachment to it?
So those are the three steps,
awareness, acceptance, and action.
And then if you are in that place
where you know that you could be a
danger to yourself or someone
else,
then you need to pick up the phone
and call a crisis line, or you
need to call a friend,
or you need to call 911 even if
you feel like you are really in
danger of hurting yourself or
hurting them,
and you need to reach out for
help.
In moments when I have felt very
frustrated, isolated, alone,
I find a way to get out of the
house, even if it's only going
for, you know, a couple walks
around the block,
because, you know, something, this
is a minor frustration, right, or
a minor resentment.
Just get out of the house, get in
nature, get some fresh air.
Separate yourself.
But if it's really a crisis, then
you need crisis intervention.
So then how does a caregiver make
room for resentment without
letting the resentment steamroll
forward and take over their life?
Yeah.
I think that's what I would
suggest.
You follow those three steps.
You write it down.
You look at it.
Can I change it?
Can I fix it?
Can I make it any better?
And then what can I do?
And when you look at resentment,
Dr.
Mark, what do you think are the
action steps that a person should
take?
Well, I think acknowledging that
it's not something intrinsic to
them that they're pulling out as a
character trait.
It's something that's been
conditioned by a series of events,
which they feel very often
powerless or exhausted to deal
with.
Yes.
And that's often in the face of
dedication, love, and effort.
So I think, to your point, I think
we need to acknowledge the
humanness of that emotion.
And that it's conditioned on a
series of events, some which are
in our control, and that could be
our boundaries and our decisions
and our actions, but a lot of
things that are outside of our
control, compounded by grief and
mourning, loss of self,
relationship with the person we're
caring for, and relationship with
the outside world and things that
were important to us.
And I think recognizing, as we've
spoken, that this is a very human,
natural response.
It's not unloving.
Yes.
Right.
It's human.
And perhaps there are superhumans
out there who can avoid this
completely, but those who avoid it
best, I suspect, have some pretty
good strategies.
We touched on, you know, in the
moment, letting things flow and
exit you so you don't carry them
consistently.
You said going outside, even for a
walk.
I think back to Kate Washington
when she joined us.
She said she'd sit in her car and
scream.
Even that helped.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Deep breathing is great, and
that's something you can do
without leaving the house.
You can just go around the corner
and breathe in deeply and hold it
and then blow it out through your
mouth.
And, you know, if you feel like
you're going to explode that, even
just doing that, just walking into
another room, doing a deep
breathing exercise will give you,
you know, oxygenate your blood
and give you time to think about
how you want to react before you
just explode.
So that's a really important
point, that sometimes you just
can't exit the situation in the
moment, but maybe you can approach
it differently.
Yeah.
And process it differently.
So can you tell me a little bit
about a term you've coined called
creative indifference?
It wasn't my term.
It wasn't my term.
Okay.
It was, I think my mother borrowed
it someplace else.
Okay.
But it was her method.
Something you adopted.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's something that we adopted.
And she wrote letters to me during
the nearly seven years that she
cared for my dad after his stroke.
And this was, this was, this was,
this was in 1993.
So it was before there were, there
was the internet or email or
affordable calling plans.
And she was very hard of hearing,
had very poor health.
So the way that she managed her
stress was to go to her word
processor at that time.
And it was just stream of
consciousness writing.
And so she would write about
everything that she was feeling
and exactly how she felt about it.
And she got really mad.
She was a devotee of self-help
books.
And she got really mad when she
read Dr.
Wayne Dyer's book, Your Erroneous
Zones.
And she got mad at that because
she said he was telling everybody
that they should just do what they
want to do.
And she said, you know, as an old
lady, I can tell you that life is
not doing what you want to do.
And so she went on to talk about
the monotony of her life.
And she said, you know, I get up
in the morning, I fix breakfast, I
do the dishes, I start a load of
laundry, I clean the house, I help
your father, I go back, I fix
lunch, I do the dishes, I do more
laundry, more housework, more
helping your father.
And she said, for me, an exciting
day might consist of having an
interesting telephone conversation
or possibly meeting somebody I
know on the street.
And she said, and for this, for
this, I should take vitamins.
I should eat right and exercise so
I can prolong this wonderful life
experience.
And she said, no, no.
And then this is where it came
from.
She said, my joy in life comes
from living and growing mentally
and spiritually.
And the thing that I've learned
about having my own happiness from
within is that I can stay more or
less detached
and still do what has to be done
to give other people a reasonable
amount of happiness.
And so she called it a detached
attitude for years.
And it wasn't, this is not feeling
cold.
It's not being indifferent.
It just means that you observe
what's happening and you respond
to what needs to be done,
but you detach yourself
emotionally to the feeling
associated with it.
And that's where the three steps
came in because I, you know, she
never said the three steps,
but as I was reading her letters,
I thought she does the same thing
every single time.
When she's upset with someone or
something, she sits down and she
writes about it and she just lets
it flow.
And then she will say something
like, well, this isn't the life
either one of us would have
chosen.
This is not what we planned for,
but it is the way that it is.
And so I accept it.
And then the action for her, she
had several methods of action.
She learned to meditate.
She listened to Deepak Chopra
tapes.
She learned to, to Ray Fee, you
know, she had, uh, and she wrote
letters.
She wrote really long, long
letters.
And that was her exit from the
heart, you know, all of these
things that were happening.
So I saw, um, you know, as I was
editing those letters that she had
this three-step process.
And so I looked at every one of
those things and was like, okay,
this is what she did over and over
and over again.
And that helped her maintain her
emotional equilibrium as, you
know, as she was living isolated
out on a farm, you know, six miles
from a town of 10,000 people, um,
with very, she had to drop out of
her volunteer groups, you know, no
neighbors to talk to.
And, um, um, um, and, um, this is
how she managed it.
And she did it with such humor and
grace.
And I think we can all do that.
It's, it's something that doesn't
cost money.
It's just a matter of recognizing
it, becoming aware of it,
accepting what you can't change,
and then taking action to do what
can be changed.
Sort of like the serenity prayer.
Does resentment, once it's there,
ever truly go away?
I mean, Elaine, some caregivers
expect resentment to disappear
when caregiving ends or when the
person they've cared for passes.
But what happens when caregiving
is over, but the resentment's
still there?
Well, that's when I think that it
would make sense to seek
professional counseling.
Um, because if, if this is in
their heart and it's weighing them
down, the likelihood of them being
able to go forward and have, um,
happiness and having, having a
peaceful existence probably isn't
very good.
And, and, and I think there are
professional counselors and it
could be grief counseling or it
could, you know, groups, there are
free ones.
Um, and then, you know, there's
one-on-one.
Um, but I, I think acknowledging
it and saying, I need help to get
over this because I don't want to
spend the rest of my life feeling
angry and resentful and cheated.
Um, and somehow they need help,
um, um, recognizing the incredible
gift that they gave caring for
another person and congratulate
themselves for finding the heart
and the energy and the love to do
that.
Um, and then I think they need to
learn to love themselves and
appreciate the things that they
did right.
And that's not typical of
caregivers because usually what
they do is they, they go through
and they think of all of the times
that they weren't perfect and they
beat themselves up for that.
So, Elaine, what would you say to
the caregiver tonight who's going
to be listening at 2 a.m., who
loves deeply, feels exhausted,
feels resentful, and is wondering
what kind of person that makes
them?
I would say you, I would say you
are not a bad person.
This is a normal response to a
difficult situation.
Give yourself credit for all of
the good, kind, and generous
things you do.
Look in the mirror and think, what
if somebody was doing these things
for you?
How would you feel?
And I think they would probably
feel grateful.
So, they need to recognize how
hard this is, how much they're
giving.
Um, I would say take care of
yourself, take a break, get
somebody that you can talk to,
that you can share this with.
Um, sharing, carrying this load by
yourself is just, it's not
impossible, but it is really
incredibly hard.
So, just honor your love, the
time, the attention, um, all that
you do for them.
Even if they can't honor it or
appreciate it, um, and nobody else
does either, you could do that for
yourself.
What do you have to add to that?
That wraps up this week's episode
of the Caregiver's Podcast.
I couldn't think of a better
ending.
It's, it's, it's to the point,
it's personal, it's human, it's
loving, it's compassionate, and it
shows grace.
We'll see you again next week.
Okay.
Thank you so much, Dr.
Mark.
Elaine, thank you for helping us
name an emotion that so many
caregivers carry, but so few feel
safe enough to say out loud.
I think one of the most important
reminders from this conversation
is that resentment does not mean a
caregiver does not love.
It means they've been loving under
conditions that are just too
heavy, too lonely, and too
unsupportive for too long.
For anyone listening who's felt
and wondered what it says about
you, I hope this conversation
helped you hear something
different.
You're not a bad person because
resentment showed up.
You're a human being under strain.
And that feeling deserves to be
listened to before it turns into
something heavier.
And before you go, please
subscribe or follow the
Caregiver's Podcast wherever
you're listening or watching.
It's free.
It helps support the show.
It helps these conversations reach
more caregivers who may be feeling
alone in something they have never
known how to name.
We'll see you again next week.
Before we wrap up, I wanted to
remind you of something important.
The conversations you hear on this
podcast are here to inform, to
support, to spark reflection.
We're not a substitute for
professional medical advice, care,
therapy, or crisis services.
Listening to this podcast does not
create a doctor-patient or
caregiver-client relationship
between us.
If you're facing a medical
concern, health challenge, a
mental health challenge, or a
caregiving situation that needs
guidance,
I encourage you to reach out to a
qualified professional who knows
your story.
If you're ever in crisis, please
don't wait.
Call your local emergency number
or recognize crisis hotline right
away.
You deserve real-time help and
support.
The views you hear on this show,
whether from me or my guests, are
our own.
They don't necessarily reflect any
organizations we work with, are
part of, or have worked with, or
been part of in the past.
This podcast is an independent
production.
It's not tied to any hospital,
university, or healthcare system.
Thank you for being here, for
listening, and most of all, for
taking the time to care for
yourself while you continue to
care for others.
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