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What comes to mind when you think about your father? Is it joy, pain, or indifference? Whatever it is, it can reveal deeper wounds that still affect you today. In this journey of healing, Zach Garza invites you to explore topics like generational sin, emotional scars, and the transformative power of forgiveness through the lens of his own story of growing up without a father in the home. By confronting the past, you'll discover how to break free, embrace your true identity, and experience the unconditional love of God.
Chapter 18, boundaries and honor. Imagine you're a kid again. It's a summer night, and you and your buddies decide to play a game of tag or hide and seek outside. What's the first question that pops up when preparing for the game? What are the boundaries?
Speaker 1:As humans, we seek boundaries. We crave clear markers for what is on and off limits. Whether it's a game of tag or a relational dynamic with family, we need clear dividing lines. Boundaries can be difficult, especially in a dysfunctional family where unhealthy patterns and dynamics have been around for a long time. Coming from a broken home, boundaries are essential in our relationships with a father who has hurt me in the past and a mother who struggles with codependency.
Speaker 1:Doctor. Henry Cloud, in his book Boundaries, writes, Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.
Speaker 1:Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with the consequences, and you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.
Speaker 1:We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking. A boundary is a line that marks the limit of something. It is a dividing line that says, here's where you stop. Please don't go any further. In relationships, boundaries can be really difficult because they are often not understood by the one who crosses your boundaries.
Speaker 1:If you have a close relationship with this person, coming up against a boundary can feel like a slap across the face. Questions arise. Confusion sets in. It can be difficult to navigate. But here's the thing.
Speaker 1:You are an adult, and you have your own life to live. Things happen, and feelings were created due to the events of your past, and those feelings impact everything you do. Do whatever you have to do within biblical boundaries to give yourself the greatest opportunity to become all that the Lord has called you to be. It doesn't matter how old you are, how mature you act, or how much money you have. You still have a heart that needs to be listened to and protected.
Speaker 1:Your heart is the wellspring of life. Take care of it so that you can be at your best. So how do you set healthy boundaries and protect your heart, especially when you actively spend time around the father who has hurt you? How do you honor him while setting boundaries that will help protect your heart? For me, it comes down to a few things.
Speaker 1:Number one, listen to your heart and the Holy Spirit. What bubbles up when you are around your father? How does his presence or interactions impact you and those around you? What does the Lord say about all this, and where is the Holy Spirit leading you? If you know seeing your father is going to send you into a negative tailspin for weeks, maybe finding a better way to communicate with him would be a better alternative, perhaps do a phone or video call every other week for a while instead of visiting.
Speaker 1:For years, seeing my father would send me into a rage. My inability to control my emotions would have most definitely had a negative impact on our relationship. I knew having a relationship with him was what the Lord had for me, but I had to build the relationship in my own time. God is not in a rush. For me, being patient and getting my heart right was necessary before I saw him face to face.
Speaker 1:Number two, create the environment you need to feel safe. When my father and I were first reconnecting, I only met with him in public restaurants, and I kept our interactions to about 90. I've heard of people inviting trusted friends or their spouses to meetings for moral support. You must do what you have to do to set yourself up for the best possible way to advance the relationship in a positive way. If that means going to a Denny's with your best friend by your side, so be it.
Speaker 1:Number three, clearly communicate what you want. A boundary line only works if the line itself is clearly visible to the other person. Clearly communicating exactly what you need is a way to honor your dad during this process. Here's an example. A, state your desire.
Speaker 1:Dad, I have been thinking about it a lot, and I'd like to blank. Tell him what you want in the blank, whether it is talking on the phone or meeting in a public place. This gives the other person clarity on what you're trying to accomplish. B, set the boundary. For me, the best way to do that is blank.
Speaker 1:This is an opportunity to tell him where you'd like to meet and to let him know if someone else will be with you. By saying this, you are controlling the environment. See, reassure them of your desire. I really want to make this happen, but I want you to know that this is difficult for me. Communicating this way helps me set both of us up for success so that our relationship can grow stronger.
Speaker 1:D, put the ball in their court. Is this something you're open to? This question allows your father to say yes, no, or make a suggestion. This is when the boundary is agreed upon by both parties. I have found it extremely helpful to write out this conversation beforehand.
Speaker 1:This helps me stay on script and not give in to circumstances that are not good for me. I can only do what the Lord asked me to do. I have no control over how my father responds. It is also helpful to limit my expectations and focus on what I can control. Letting go of expectations is a way of saying, Lord, I trust you no matter what.
Speaker 1:Know that it's okay to grieve during this process. What you're doing is hard. It's a weight you were never meant to carry. I knew the days leading up to interactions with my father and a few days after were going to be difficult for me. It helped to adjust my schedule accordingly and to let those who I love know this is a tough week or two for me.
Speaker 1:Know that your heart will be stirred and emotions may be heightened. Find people to vent with or time to be alone. Try to explain to those closest to you what you're going through so they can understand and support you. Now all of these pieces of the puzzle can be implemented with a father who has hurt you in the past. But what if he doesn't see it that way?
Speaker 1:How can you honor a father who chose to leave, is living in sin, and continues to feel like he was justified and did nothing wrong? How do you honor someone who is unrepentant and has hurt you in so many ways? How can you show grace to someone who is self focused, immature, and prideful? On the other hand, what if other members of your family want to insist on acting like nothing happened? What if they want to act as if everything is okay?
Speaker 1:For the person asking these questions in response to their father's action, I applaud you. You are embarking on an extremely difficult journey. This journey is considerably harder when the father you grew up with looks nothing like the father you have now. Perhaps your father was a good man when you were a child and was worthy of emulation, but now he's living a life of sin. When I was a child, we were in church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night.
Speaker 1:When my father decided to leave, he pulled me aside and said, church is your choice now. You can choose if you want to go or not. One day, he was saying faith is important. Let's try to be like Jesus. But the next week, it was like he was saying, I'm gonna do my own thing, and you can do what you wanna do.
Speaker 1:I'm done with this faith stuff. That's a really confusing message that can shake a kid's belief to the core. Here comes the hard part. Honoring someone is a choice. They don't have to earn your honor.
Speaker 1:Just because you honor someone does not mean you approve of their behavior or choices. Honor simply means treating someone with respect, dignity, and not viewing them as less than you. It's the refusal to hold their actions against them and how they treat you. The crazy thing is sometimes you have to honor someone that you don't enjoy being around. In this situation, I think of Jesus.
Speaker 1:How would he act in this set of circumstances? Would he bad mouth her complain? Would he scream and shout or cut off the relationship? I don't think he would, but I don't think he would be all smiles and hugs either. I think he would love the sinner without condoning the sin, and I do think he would be sad.
Speaker 1:I think his heart would be broken at the state of your father's heart. I envision him praying, asking the father to fill him up with what he needs to continue and relying on the Holy Spirit to help him through this tough time. Acting like Jesus in the midst of an imperfect family, loving people unconditionally, and honoring those who have hurt you is one of the more difficult things we can do. And depending on the person and situation, it looks different for each of us. How you act and respond is 100% between you and Jesus.
Speaker 1:Get with the father and abide in his presence. I pray you receive clarity on how to respond and how to honor and that the Lord helps you give grace in the same way he has been gracious to you. The truth is boundaries are more than just a protective barrier for you. They are for your family and those under your care as well. To refuse to put them up is to put your family in harm's way.
Speaker 1:To reinforce them, however, is to steward your family with care. Last holiday season, my wife and I decided we really wanted to focus in on investing into our nuclear family. We wanted to start our own traditions with just our family of five. We thought of things to do each week leading up to Christmas, and we were getting excited about creating traditions for our kids. Then my mother called and wanted to join in on our traditions as well.
Speaker 1:I had a choice to make. Do I ask my mom to come over, knowing she is lonely and wants more than anything to spend time with her grandkids, or do I honor the commitment I made to my wife and limit those traditions to just our family of five? I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Verses began to swirl in my head. This is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Speaker 1:Genesis two twenty four came to mind. When talking about the family unit, Paul wrote, anyone who does not provide for their relatives and especially for their own household has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. First Timothy five eight. But James wrote, religion that our God, our father accepts as pure and flawless is this, to look after orphan and widows. James one twenty seven.
Speaker 1:Is my mother truly a widow? Is the first Timothy verse talking about providing emotionally, spiritually, or physically? Who comes first, my mother or my wife? Is it my responsibility to make sure that my mom doesn't feel lonely, or is it up to her to meet her own needs? How do I love my wife well and lead my family while ensuring that I am honoring my mother as well, knowing that she is all alone and needy?
Speaker 1:These are the questions I do not know how to answer. It is here that I must set clear boundaries for the sake of the one I am called to love first, my wife. I must also set boundaries to help me be the best version of myself for my wife and my kids and to help my mom meet her own needs. I need to keep in mind that my mother is an adult and is fully capable of finding people to help her not feel lonely. While her life may not have turned out how she thought it would, that doesn't mean all is lost.
Speaker 1:She can still make the most of a tough situation. If my mom is looking to anyone else besides Jesus to fulfill her, including me, it's just not gonna work out. Only he can heal her hurts and provide peace and comfort. Here's another problem. I cannot help but feel pain and a little sadness because I do want to help.
Speaker 1:I cannot help but want to be the savior and give my mom all of her desires. But when I tried to serve my mom and wife, it left both parties unfulfilled and me exhausted. So I focus on doing the best I can to lead my wife and children and give them the best family experience possible while doing my best to love my mom and be there for her as much as I can under a set of clear boundaries. I make efforts to include her when it is healthy for my nuclear family. When disappointments arise and I don't meet my mother's expectations or standards, I will apologize and leave it at that.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna set clear boundaries, healthy boundaries, and I'm going to honor my mother in a way that I can stand before God knowing I treated my mother well in the midst of a hard situation. Caring for a wife, a family, and a single mother is complicated. There is no one right way to do it. It's a dance. It is a product of a broken world.
Speaker 1:There are different seasons and degrees of interaction. It is not fair. It is not fun, but we can do everything in our power to honor God through it. Boundaries are not cruel but kind. They are not optional but necessary.
Speaker 1:They are not cynical but safe. If you haven't already, begin to draw yours. Diving back into interaction with someone who has hurt you takes a certain amount of risk. While you will never remove that risk completely, you can mitigate it through a clear set of boundaries for you and yours. So tell me, is honoring your mother or father something that comes easily to you?
Speaker 1:If not, please share why you think that is the case. If so, how do you show honor to them? Have you ever had to choose between your mother, father, and spouse or kids? How did you handle that? What kind of boundaries have you set with your family?
Speaker 1:Are there any boundaries that you need to set for the health of yourself or your nuclear family?