All Your Pots are Boiling Over

In this episode, Toni and Hettie explore that all too familiar feeling of having “all your pots boiling over.” Through personal stories and honest reflection, they unpack how grief, responsibilities, financial pressures, and emotional weight can stack up until everything feels urgent.

With warmth and relatability, Toni and Hettie remind us that we don’t have to fix everything at once and that small shifts can create space to breathe again.

If you’ve been feeling stretched too thin, this episode offers both comfort and practical ways to regain your footing.

What is Two Dancing Widows?

Finding life after loss, Two Dancing Widows dives into the stories of resilience, hope, and transformation. Hosts Toni and Hettie welcome new guests each week, from widowers and life coaches to those battling severe illness, who share their journeys through struggle and their paths back to joy. This podcast is for anyone navigating grief or simply looking for inspiration to live and love deeply again. Tune in for heartfelt conversations that remind us all that healing, while challenging, is a dance worth stepping into.

Coming up on this episode of Two Dancing Widows.

So if you make a good decision now and it stabilizes things versus waiting and thinking

about it and making a perfect decision later which would be too late, that it does make

sense just to go for good.

Just go for what will work, what will stop the pots from boiling over or bring the temperature

down, which will allow you to, you know, to distress yourself.

And as that's all, it adds up to it's just a bunch of stress.

Over everyday things, over life, over things that happen all the time.

Welcome to Two Dancing Widows, the podcast where hosts Tony and Hetty explore life after

loss and the strength refined in each other's stories.

This week's episode, all your pots are boiling over, dives into those moments when everything

feels like too much.

In grief, responsibilities, finances and life's daily demands all seem to hit at once.

Using a powerful metaphor of a kitchen with every burner on and every pot boiling over,

Tony and Hetty unpack what overwhelmed really feels like and how we begin to take back

control.

From learning to turn the heat down on just one burner to rethinking what's truly urgent,

asking better questions and giving yourself permission to prioritize you, this episode

is full of honest insight, practical tools and a reminder that you don't have to handle

everything at once.

If this episode speaks to you, share it with someone who might need it too.

Visit us at twodancingwittows.transistor.fm to listen to all episodes and find the link

to our Facebook community.

We'd love to hear your story and continue the conversation with you.

And now here's Hetty to begin this week's episode.

Hello again, it's Hetty and Tony and we are the two dancing widows and we're just here

today to talk about what happens when you feel like all your pots are boiling over at the

same time.

Tony, I don't know if this happens to you, but you know, well you know, I'm always doing

something, fixing something, changing something at home and this week I'm doing that as well.

It's up to it's a month long project and I know you've got a lot of things going on too

and I just have that feeling like it's all of a sudden just two days ago.

I just felt like it was too much.

It was too many things and all my pots felt like they were boiling over at the same time

and you know, you want to reach and turn them off but you need the water to be hot.

I don't know.

Do you ever feel like that?

Absolutely.

When the lids are rattling and the water is spilling over and you don't know which one to

grab first, sometimes that's just life.

Grief, bills, family needs, health scares, loneliness, all bubbles up at the same time.

It really does and you know what I've been trying to figure out the best way to handle that

and so you know, I was reading up on a few things about what happens when everything gets

just messy at the same time.

Not in a bad way because I mean I'm having things painted but that means I have to depend

on others to get here on time.

Same time I'm clearing out and dumping some things.

I have to depend on someone to come and help me to move things because I can't just do

it all myself.

And one of the things that I read that I thought was really good and it's said that the reason

why everything feels like it's boiling over at the same time is because everything is

happening in my head and I'm giving it all the same amount of significance.

That's true and I was thinking about that.

Sometimes it's like everything feels it's too much but sometimes it really is all too

much at the same time.

Sometimes we think we can handle it and sometimes I think it's because we feel alone maybe

in the kitchen.

There is no one to call to say can you turn down burner number three you're just there

trying to handle it all yourself.

But I do think and I had to really think about this, Eddie, that sometimes things are not

all boiling over at the same time but to us it seems that way because we're feeling

so overwhelmed that every little thing added to the stove if you will seems to increase

the water rolling.

It really does.

It feels like everything is screaming urgent at the same time which makes me laugh because

whenever I picture that I always picture my little child Brandy.

She was a funny little kid when she was little but whenever she would get in a jam or

whatever she would just start screaming help me help me help me and I was a voice from

help me help me and I just thought where does she get that from that was the funniest

thing but sometimes that's exactly how I feel I feel I scream help me help me you know

I need some help but but what I found that you know I myself am responsible for all of

my coping tools and help me is not in the toolbox.

Yeah that's unfortunately I think it should be in our toolbox because I think maybe we

should think of what's the first thing we can do and I think maybe one of the first

things is to turn the heat down at least on one of those burners.

If you possibly can and I think when we turn the heat down it gives us a time to breathe

and reassess what's really important and to prioritize handling things by what we deem

is most important.

Yeah we might as well go up and down and she's always say to me and I have actually learned

to do this.

She's always say to me so what is the worst thing that will happen if you don't get all

that done what is the worst thing that will happen if this doesn't get done and then helps

you to prioritize and sometimes that means actually literally and figuratively sitting

down and physically writing out a list of things that are important and actually prioritize

and things and what can I get done today because I've actually also reversed that is that

of saying what is the worst thing that can happen if I don't get this done.

I sometimes ask myself what is the best thing that can happen to me if I do this because

you know is that time of year I'm taking invitations to weddings graduations is that any other

and some of them while I would like to go to all of them require a great deal of money

because they are located in other places so just checking on fairs recently you know

one place I always used to go to Jamaica whatever and yeah 500 dollars for first class

ticket 35380 410 for an economy ticket all those tickets today are 7800 for economy yes

and then I have to pay for the hotel and all of this stuff when people are you know having

weddings and this and so before you even get to a gift now when I grew up if you traveled

to a wedding you did not give a gift your presence was the gift today the young people

sure me you're supposed to give something I think it's sort of crazy but you're supposed

to give something and but when you do all that you're out of a couple thousand dollars

and even though you love these people and you really do want to celebrate with them when

do you say no and how do you fit that in your cough or how do you prioritize those type

of events because it certainly is it makes you feel a little bit like the like the pressures

on or like the path falling over it's another path.

It's another path absolutely I think you have to decide and I think sometimes you have

to decide on what's more most important and sometimes that answer is you you're most

important and so with all the pots boiling you have to take in consideration what's best

for you because I mean that you defer things or that you ignore things I mean what what

do you how do you how do you take the next step to you know when you have that kind of

indecision and you you're feeling a bit overwhelmed I mean it could be like it could be finances

it could be you know having to return things it could be you know babies kids grandkids asking

for things and in all of that you still have yourself and not only that you're still

doing what a certain amount of grief over other things that may have happened that push

you to the point of feeling constantly put in a situation where all your pots are boiling

over I mean you do good most days but then there's just that time when everything feels overwhelming

and you don't have someone to share the burden with.

I think the worst thing you can do is to pretend you're not overwhelmed and I think that sometimes

for me I get into that putting on the mask and saying everything's fine and everything's okay

but sometimes when all those burners are bubbling and over just flowing over I can't pretend

and I have to acknowledge to myself you are overwhelmed now sit down and let's figure out

what you need to do one step at a time you know I say that almost every episode is for me

talking to myself stepping myself into what do I need to do right now this moment make a

list of no more than three things at a time for me initially and working through that but I have

to give myself permission to cry to permission to scream if I want to help help help like Brandy

yeah permission to know that I can't fix everything yeah I just can't fix everything is not

humanly possible for me to do that and then I three step it and and I work from that that's

funny yeah I mean it's true you can't fix everything and in life every single day there are decisions

that have to be made and I think it is so funny that you talked about the mask because I was

working on an art piece really back in the fall I have not actually finished it I don't know why

I picked it back up but it reminds me of that because the name of the piece was when the mask disintegrates

yes absolutely absolutely what do you do when that mask begins to disintegrate and you know you're

just kind of stuck there and I do know one thing are you know deep breaths teaching yourself to

relax some and sometimes you just have to step outside for a few minutes you just have to not answer

the phone for a few minutes or you just have to stop whatever it is that that that's putting you

into that feeling of being overwhelmed and realize this to show past yes yes I have a tendency

to hide also we know that from the cave and hiding but the other day I had just talked to a really

good friend that has struggling with a serious very serious health scare and I was just overwhelmed

by that because I felt so helpless that I couldn't really do anything and so a guide that I'm doing

business with in trying to you know get my home sold and everything taken care of called me and

you know he's a stranger basically he's somebody financially that I work with and he must have

been able to tell something was wrong in my voice so he's discussing and then he stops and he goes

are you okay and I said no he said oh but don't think he expected that answer not in the center

right he said oh oh I'm so sorry is there anything I can do I said no it has nothing to do with

what we're talking about or the distance that we're conducting I'm just not in a good space right

now and he said oh I'm so sorry I'm so sorry how about I call you tomorrow I said okay now if

you know me you know I never would reveal that side of what was going but at that particular moment

I could not continue to keep the mask on I couldn't continue to talk you know I can always talk

but I just was in the middle of processing and I just couldn't so that was very rare

but for me but I think sometimes we have to give ourselves the grace of being able to do that

and I agree with you I'm sorry that that happened to you that you weren't feeling good that day

but I do know that sometimes everything doesn't have to be perfect you know I get into this

this thing and it's so funny because I used to always say oh it's perfect I'm perfect everything

is perfect my children are perfect my house is perfect right and you know I do that and I actually

believe it but aside from believing it because you're looking at it say everything is not perfect

and I'd say well it's perfect until you say it's not you know but I always assume that it's better

to wake up feeling that that things are perfect because the day alone and the things that happen

will chip away at the perfect surface and you're stuck with what's left if you start off like with

the glass half empty already and somebody takes a sip you're that much further down so it's always

better in my mind to to to start off thinking that today is a good day and you know if I if the

Lord wakes me up I will get myself up and out and so it's really actually about shifting your

mind in your brain back into a certain mode a decision making mode about how are you going to

handle this day and yourself in it and and what matters now and what's important now and if something

can come off your plate or one of those bowling possibly be removed from the water you know and

whatever we're doing cooking there maybe we can cook one less item it possibly could make it

easier and you know I'd like to remind people our listeners that everything does not or should not

have the same weight and everything in life does not hold or does not rise to the same magnitude

of urgency and some days we just have to see that absolutely and I I'm gonna disagree with you

haha listeners that's that's unusual right no I love it I love it is what a counterpoint all right here's

my talent point I don't I think perfection gets us in trouble I think when we expect or we want

everything to be perfect that sets me up for failure so I've learned to just accept things and people

just the way they are no perfection just it is what it is and then I work from that I'm still

looking at the glass half full but I just know that sometimes there's a lot of sediment in the

glass if you will and it's it's just not always perfect I don't strive for it anymore I just strive for

being peaceful being joyful and you know it's just not it's not perfect Jimmy used to keep the kids

when I say keep the kids I wouldn't say babysit because he was their dad but sometimes he would

keep the kids and I'd come home and Jenny would be dressed but she would have mismatched clothes on

sometimes her top would be buttoned down the back when it was really supposed to be buttoned down

the front her hair would be you know kind of a hot mess and there might be slow poke poke sucker

stickers us all over her face Jay one time had all the Vaseline and the jar in his hair but I would

get so upset about that and he'd say but my kids are happy we're having a good time on other

words we're having a good time to you came home and till you came home saying what on earth uh so I

had to learn that yeah they were having fun running play having a great time with their dad I just

couldn't understand the lack of outfit coordination uh but anyway so I've learned now in my

senior years to relax about a lot of things and really learn to um evaluate what's really really

important and uh the people in my life I think are the most important uh parts of my life and so I

will do all I can to help them and the rest of it sometimes can just I don't really give a flying sack

wow that's interesting well yes um I think uh some of those points are well made I don't know

about taking but at any rate no I I don't mean perfection from that standpoint I mean definitely that

one I totally did I cooked dinner for years because when I traveled I would cook dinners and

marks Monday Tuesday Wednesday eating instructions on a bit and I'd come home and I'd be pizza boxes

everywhere and uh and they wouldn't have eaten their food that I made before I left and my mother

I would complain and she's funny said well maybe they just didn't want that piece due to dare or

maybe they didn't and what's the worst thing that happened if those kids you know don't eat that

she and I'm talking about their health have been nourished well and she would say well there's

mental nourishment as well and the other thing is you can always feed them the good food when you're

there and you know quit stressing yourself out by cooking everything in advance and I guess that

was part of that idea of perfection but when I say perfection see your mom understood yeah well

she had that and she had that wisdom all you know sometimes we tried too hard and it's just

misunderstanding understanding with just don't give a damn this is my mother with one of the most

people that just what watch you run in a circle and she just frankly did not give a damn and she'd

say oh I thought that you were doing what you wanted to do it's like no I'm doing this because I'm

not only one doing it and you're not helping me and she go oh well if you need help you should

ask for help you know you're thinking well you know she sees me doing all this stuff it's just like

if you're carrying a really heavy bag in you would think your husband would get up off the sofa

and come out and help you bring the bag in or say do you need any help at least well there are

those that do and there are those that don't and for those that don't it is our that's part of the

pot boiling over we have to say help me yes yes me yes help me help me yes yeah and oftentimes

we watch that pot and we think that other people see it too yes and they may or may not but whether

they do or not we need to say get up and help me I need help please help me help absolutely but

I but I do think and you and I both have a problem with that ask me for help yes and I'm more I

told you today these guys are here painting and and I thought I done that you know they asked me

to move everything out the way I was up for three days doing that and I thought I did a great job

I moved everything to the center of the floor I get all this stuff away I put things on them so

far but they they came in and they looked around they said was there any place we can move this

stuff and I was like well I moved everything that needs to be moved and they're like well we don't

think so if there's some and I'm like well what and they said well we have to put up some scaffolding

to reach a you know upper level so we need to move all this stuff from the center of the floor

and they do the immediately we can't to move everything I felt so foolish but at the same time

I laughed so hard but you know what I figured okay well they can finish with that I'm going to

find out you don't take a couple extra dollars because I need to book big as bookcases that

downstairs moved up to the second floor because I'm getting some new canvas and I think and I don't

know you know how to get these up to stretch I was going to pay or call and see if there was you

know one of services or something yes we're coming help you move inside yes I was going to do that

and these guys just lived at that stuff like it weighed paperweight yes so your lesson and moving

no because that lesson and moving is before you touched all that stuff for three days you didn't

need to all you needed was them to come in the house and do it for you but the lady that that

she told me to move things she said you need to move things so that they can get around to painting

and and especially anything delicate or anything really important to you yes you need to move yes

you're the answer but you're things only inside your cabinets that were breakable just take

them out and make sure so that when they move them they won't break those things right so yeah

so but I did that I think what happened was I will things to the middle of the floor yes and the

middle of the floor is where they needed to place the scaffolding lagging for for that but I say

it all that to say that you know even if things don't turn off perfect I still have to try you

know I was given some instructions and I needed to try and I was very satisfied that I thought I

had done a perfectly good job well until and I did let's let's say that I did but it turned out

that I had not taken into account that they would actually need things you know in out of the

out of the middle of the floor and I put everything in the middle of the floor I mean I put

God so I'm gonna say you turned up the burner high and I burnish it only a bit medium

maybe maybe I don't know but I just think that you know maybe sometimes when we're

we're equipped these decisions and we're trying to make them yeah you know I do I do believe this

though I did I have heard people say that well don't you think that a decent decision

now is better than a perfect decision too late so if you make a good decision now and it

stabilizes things versus waiting and thinking about it and making a perfect decision later which

would be too late that it does make sense just to go for good yeah just go for what will work what

will stop the pots from boiling over will bring the temperature down which what will allow you to

you know to distress yourself yes that's all it adds up to yeah it's just a bunch of stress

over every day things over life over things that happen all the time we're all gardening or

or doing something or going to the store we're all you know but sitting on fire as you're

cleaning fire as you're or hiring people to do it and then you have to deal with them we're all

going places filling up our gas tanks and doing things or getting on the highway one of our friends

was told me recently that she was on the highway going about her way and she you know hurt this

loud sound she hit something it was in the roadway it was a pothole and she and she thought oh man

I hope that it didn't blow my tire well she got off and went to Minards to pick up some things and

when she looked she looked to walk around the car and she thought thank goodness that you know

nothing happened when she came out she was on a total flat so she was like I was so pissed and at

the time I said well I think you should be thinking the Lord that you didn't add up blowout

on the highway which actually she said she did yes but that was my first thought thank God you got

off the highway so yes some things are more important than others I mean especially situations

like this and that's the situation where making a decision about tire replacement or whatever was

taken out of her hands just by what happened but is it a stressful situation yes does it feel like

all the thoughts of going over that's the same type yes is this something that could happen

every single day yes is this something we have to slow our breathing down and think about how to

deal with this situation and and I think we do and I think we do that every single day and I think

it becomes even more stressful and more urgent you know as we make these decisions and avoid

can we say by yourself you don't have someone to bounce things off of that the same time

you want to be you know your own independent self yeah I'm one you know I kind of walk in the

field and I'm a wanderer so I when things happen that are stressful it throws me off because I

really don't want to be bothered I don't want to be bothered I don't want to be bothered yes

that when you said that I thought oh my I'm just like that I don't want to be bothered so it's

very disturbing to me emotionally physically everything when I have to now zero in and concentrate

on something that it's happened that I have to attend to see that feels like the that feels like

this face I want to operate in all no I don't I want you to leave me alone to operate in that space

no I want to wander I want to just be I just want to wander I don't want to focus and have to deal

and solve problems and come up with solutions to things and I know that's a silly thing to say

because that's not life no it really isn't a silly thing to say Tony I think that it's just another

perspective on life and how to deal with it I mean I have to admit I can't go like I used to

and I tell you I've told you so many times before how my husband used to always complain that

as soon as I open my eyes I jumped out of bed and he would always say do you have to leap out of bed

and I would say well who wakes up just to sit back down because he would actually wake up and sit

on a side of bed and think about his day and whether he was going to wear an eye-tongue you just

think about that the night before and he would say if I were you maybe I would and so you know

who we were absolutely a lot of ways but it was funny and we had a good time with

being opposites in some of the ways because it made us laugh and it did make us have to think about

what would so and so say or how would he react to that because you know he would get up in the

morning and I told you this before and go back to bed because you would get up we would wake up

and I would jump out of bed and all that he'd say we'll make the coffee I'd say okay and I go make

the coffee and you know he always expected me to bring it to his bedside which I did he would drink

his coffee and go back to sleep and just said hmm I just love to smell coffee and the morning I just

love me some good coffee I'm like who cares coffee and goes to sleep huh that is the most ridiculous thing

and then you would get up about 10 o'clock you know even when he was working because he made his

own out or yes yes you know and we really hot under the collar if he got to be there at something

as early as 9 a.m. yes you know yes and I'm I'm up since 637 which might be late to some people

but it was just it was amazing but now I really do a treasure being able to sleep in but I still do

like a good day's work I like having my day lined up task to do you know people to go out and meet

if if I have things like when Jimmy was sick I had a big blackboard that I kept all of everything he

had to do every procedure every medication every everything and so that was very comfortable for me

and so I could do that take care of him everything was go a long fine boom he would have a seizure

and have to go in the hospital well when I came when he'd come back he'd either have some kind of

bed sores from the hospital never when he went in always when he came out so that disturbed the

scheduling he would have maybe I'm trying to be kind here bowel difficulties or excessive

from the antibiotics okay so that I've got to reschedule sometimes the pills for change have to

reschedule so those kind of things I do them I can fix it but initially they throw me off they

boil over for me because I had everything set and now things have blown up if you will and it's

not that serious and after that case well after you take a breath you sit yourself down and you go

okay so you got to do x y and z you've got to diaper this way you got to change your what you're

feeding him you've got to do this or that and you do it it's fixable but just that initial

uh change bothers me a lot and I think that's because it takes me out of wherever my head is my

head is out in the field but you just yeah that's what I was gonna say that your your myel's

wanders it is and so you're in the field yeah so you have to come in so yes in other rain yeah yeah

when when something changes that then I have to focus differently and I get it together but then

I want to go back out and do I love your mother's attitude I'm gonna get a t-shirt with that

oh I mean I mean that was her favorite saving just don't get a good guy damn yeah really

hey man oh I tell you what now she got up with the church of dead and I'm bad I can tell you I

really did not give a good so and so I mean I won't go maybe once a week or every day

not even once or twice a month yes but not every day she's like I'm going to church I cover myself

and I'm not gonna get excited or overwhelmed by this is no way if I had she had a

agriculture to put on her yes yeah because she believed that that meant that there's something above

you and that you remember power of God and the Holy is the Lord that somebody she wasn't

gonna struggle with and then she's let it go yeah uh uh uh she's gonna do that thing and yes

come on back home and then I'm not gonna be worried about any of the others to watch everybody

else run around in circles yes and just look at you and say well I wonder why you were doing

but okay well okay I don't know Tony I guess there are just days like that when no matter what

you're gonna get yourself in a situation or you're gonna just wake up and feel like all the pots

are pulling over it was and I sure you know I should say that it's not every day but it is

enough days that I thought it was a good topic for us to talk about love to hear from

us and tell our listeners before we sign off yeah what we did today oh because I mean I my pots

have been boiling over all this week I mean boiling over but today was such a so good day we worked

hard we worked for about four five hours we did but tell them what the bonus was listening to Motown

how we did yeah we listened songs from nine from way back in the day in the 50 60s yeah and we sang

and we popped our fingers and we worked and we just danced and had a good time and that was very

good for me usually but Tony I was not satisfied if I could be totally honest because I am usually

and I pride myself on being a quick learner a fast learner so now listeners honestly I was

wrapping a book so there is a technique to wrap a book like a gift where there are sections of

it that are left a little bit loose and you can stick other things down inside of it like maybe some

tea you can stick ink pens you can and you wrap it up and it may and you put it in a position where

it looks like a man's shirt pocket possibly like a a V cross shirt pocket and you put all these

little things in it to make it a stick out but it makes the wrapping just absolutely beautiful so

we were helping at the local bookstore and we were supposed to wrap the books and then put and

Tony was putting them in gift boxes and making packages for them to have for a great big book

event that they were going to have this Saturday in Homewood at Beyond the Book and honestly I

had seven books to wrap and it took me three hours to wrap that in books that is inefficient

honey is super creative and she did a marvelous job they are beautiful I again was left to do

the stuffing because if I had to wrap those books it would have been an impossibility I would be

there for 17 days and they'd still not be done I don't have the capacity to look at something to do

that so you did a marvelous job and we had fun and every book was better and better that you did

it is matter of fact when I got when I reached my my my my my stride yes that yeah and I was like

I can't got it I got it we were out of books yeah so I almost was compelled to come home and

begin wrapping my own books to give away as gifts because now that I've got this I want to it's so

you want to do it is so cute it is really cute and I just thought oh maybe I can give away some

books as a gift from my books y'all since I'm trying to thin it out anyway and I could wrap them all

that's a great idea that I'll bring mine over so that you can have the pleasure of doing that

but maybe that's another strategy then as we laugh and talk about it is putting on some music

doing something creative that you love and that kind to take your mind off of the things

that are boiling over turn the fire down just a little bit yeah and sit somewhere with some

nice music on and sing and dance and lift your spirits be in beat joyful and build joy to number one

prioritize things yes to realize that everything is not a burn fire yes everything is not urgent

remember to remove things from your plate that day that can be done the next day or done later that

day and put those things that are most urgent first and then don't forget to you know maybe

bend your elbow a little bit reach around and slap yourself on the back and say well done yes and

also remember brandy's words and mine and that is help help help don't please don't be afraid to

ask for help and are you gonna put on your dancing shoes now oh yeah I've had them on all day I

love that motown music okay and lace them up and I think we ought to get out of here all right until

next time until next time