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Andrea Lee Family and the Holidays Master Video
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00:03
you're listening to the recovered life show the show that helps people in recovery live their best recovered lives and here is your host Damon [Music] Frank welcome back to the recovered life show today we're talking about involving your family in your recovery Journey my guest today is Andrea Lee a licensed clinical therapist at Valley View recovery center it's a men's Residential Treatment Center in Canon Falls Minneapolis welcome to the show Andrea thank you very much I'm so glad to have you on we're in
00:42
the holiday season a lot of people are listening to this in the recovery Journey Andrea and they're saying oh man they're having a little dread family time family time and as joyous as family is and as exciting as the holidays can be to reconnect with people it does it does involve olve a little bit of issues sometimes for people that are in that recovery Journey it it certainly does I think families can trigger past trauma families can make us feel like children families can do a lot of things that make recovery really
01:16
difficult so can you explain a little bit as a therapist why the family involvement is important in somebody's recovery Journey especially during the holiday season and then we'll go into some of the pitfalls also that connection might that might cause right I think isolation is the opposite of recovery right and so we need people in our life who are going to support us who are going to meet us where we're at and love us where we're at and at the holidays loneliness is a big trigger as well so being with family can be really
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important family can also be a trigger you know let let's dive into a little bit of that loneliness you know you're in a you know you're dealing with men primarily in in in your facility were we were talking earlier about how it's very difficult that anybody would maybe get to that level where they're in treatment at the level that you're providing them that hasn't had some sort of trauma and most of that trauma right is linked within that family or are kind of in that framework can you dive into that a
02:18
little bit because I I find that interesting um that family plays such a huge part of somebody's recovery and also their addiction right um we are learning more and more how childhood trauma and it isn't just abuse it's maybe emotional neglect right just not being there or not meeting you where you're at when you're a child and meeting your needs can continue to impact us as adults and often is the pain that causes the addiction triggers the addiction right and so we need to try and heal from that trauma and be
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with our families if our families are safe for us and know also though that even if they're safe for us there can be triggers yeah yeah yeah let's talk about those triggers a little bit you know I think most of especially early recovery when you go through a holiday season is trying to mitigate those and kind of diminish those a little bit so that they're not so relapse they don't have that relapse potential can we dive into some of the triggers that somebody might experience especially in early recovery
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with the with their family in the holidays I think when families especially when families are noticing you're in early recovery and maybe you've been in recovery a few times before they might tend to treat you as less than an adult they might tell you the things they need you that you need to do and you're not part of the decision you know you need to get a job you need to live on your own you need to you know because they're not used to you being able to function at the level you're functioning at now they might
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start to treat you like you're less than an adult which can be very triggering because all you want is for them to start to respect you where you're at yeah absolutely you know it's interesting these expectations I think expectations are a huge trigger um also I think oversharing you know we we've had episodes on this Andrea where you know what what happens is is that people go in and they decide you know and I've worked with people and sponsored people in the past in 12 step groups and Coach
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people who say ah you know I've been sober now for let's see 23 days and Christmas is going to be on the 28th day and I'm just going to have it out with my family right you know right there at at turkey dinner or something I'm like no like Christmas and Hanukkah and New years's and Thanksgiving These are times that you just go you're there to socialize with your family it's not an intervention a some sort of amends process that's not what the holidays are designed for right you just need to go and I
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think it's really important that if you're in early recovery you figure out what your boundaries need to be how long can I stay there before I feel uncomfortable what are the things that make it so that I know I need to leave if I'm being trigger if a relapse is being triggered do I need to put some boundaries in place before I get there do I need to say I'm really excited to see all you guys but this topic is off the table I'm not going to talk about that and that could be your recovery
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that could be things that happened last year at the holidays that could be a lot of different things right your relationship your job status but you can say I really am excited to see you guys and I'm not going to talk about X yeah love that yeah yeah being able to set boundaries and I think there's so much misinterpretation and and really bad information about addiction you know we we were just talking about this on a previous show that so many people think that addiction is some sort of character defect yes right it's some sort of moral
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failing and you know when we're talking about family I know my family had alcoholism is in it I in some ways genetically inherited the predisposition to alcoholism now I further that along by decisions you know I'm aware of that but but really I was kind of uh predesigned to kind of have some of those experiences especially without the education now a lot of people have this education how do you deal with people in your family that just don't get it and you know you've heard this I'm sure
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you've heard this from your from your patients and clients that they just they just don't understand they just think well you know what you spent five years drinking you didn't go to you dropped out of school you didn't do this you lost a job you di you broke up your family it's just you're just a loser you're a screw up yeah and and that's obviously you know that's not true and there are going to be family members maybe especially older family members who are old-fashioned and in the just
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quit era of you know but I think it's important first of all for you to know that if you could have just quit obviously you would have just quit because you've been through hell and you wouldn't have gone through that if you could just quit and so then you can either have that be your boundary I'm not going to talk about this with you yeah you know it's crazy it isn't it crazy though that like people think that oh they're getting something out of this like like it addiction I was telling I
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was telling a friend the other day who is a total like Normie I hate that word but he's a total Normie I'm like oh dude no one would pick this like this isn't like an optimal lifestyle even for people who don't know any better it's not an optimal lifestyle it's no it's not and I you know I remind people there wasn't a signup sheet in middle school for you know band choir play addiction sport you know and you weren't like oh addiction that sounds like you know that's just not what happened so
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whatever happened you were using and it got you right but lots of people using it doesn't get them and so I think the person with addiction especially in early recovery needs to be really solid on that information before they interact with people that don't understand it so that it doesn't tear them down yeah AB you know yeah absolutely oh go ahead and then and then we need to meet those people where we're at and if they and if they start saying things like that it's okay to say you know this just isn't up
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for conversation today it's the holidays I don't want to talk about it yeah I love that the circular thing and you know and I have done that I know in early recovery which is I would bring it back isn't it so great that we're all together is it so great that I was able to come is it so great that you were able to come I would keep bringing it back right there's always GNA be that family member who's gon to press you a little bit oh so you don't drink you really don't drink what's that about you
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know can we talk can we dive into you you you spoke about this a little bit about boundaries which bleeds into codependency you know we always say on the recovered life show we've never met a great alcoholic who hasn't had a great codependent in their life families that that that have alcoholism tend to also have people who are codependents that aren't alcoholics but they're addicted to changing People they're addicted to control can we dive into that a little bit because I think most people that's
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what they're facing it's not even the risk of drinking or using drugs as much as it is I'm going to deal with somebody else's codependency addiction yep I think first of all you need to really recognize who in your family has that tendency right and so you need to kind of look at your family and say okay who are my who are my dangerous people is it my mom is it my dad is it Grandma who is it and then you need to think about whether you have an ally in the family that can kind of help you get away from
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that person if it's not good right you need to make sure that you're talking with your support people before you go and maybe again after you go and I think the first holiday when you're newly sober you really need to be aware of how long you can be there I love that can you be there the whole time or do you need to you know I don't have codependency in my family I have other issues but we leave our dogs home so so when it's time to leave we have to go let the dogss out right I mean it's okay to have those sorts of
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things set up so that when it's uncomfortable it's time to go I like that I like that setting up a a framework you know um I I think the unknown is the scary part right yeah like and you don't know if it's gonna be okay yeah you don't you don't know especially in early recovery like it's itue you were talking about boundaries I know after several decades of doing this right after three decades of three decades of sober Christmases the boundaries are kind of set up I know how to escape I already I already kind of
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know I have a Playbook right and that's something I've been working on actually is just this takeaway Playbook because you have to know the plays it's like football if you don't know the plays and somebody hands you the ball or somebody hands you you know marijuana or a drink or whatever and you don't know how to you you don't know how to get out of that situation you're stuck what what are of the what are some of the kind of bookends of the schedule how do you uh assemble a schedule for a holiday event
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can you go over that a little bit I think you look at like what are the needs of the you know like when's dinner because if you're you probably need to be there for dinner unless everybody is going to be handing you drinks to do a toast right and so if dinner's a problem then you skip dinner and you say you know I'm not going to be able to eat here but I want to be here for this so you really you look at what the traditional event and entails and you think about is there a must be there right and is that going to be a trigger
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or not and then you look at you know maybe I could just go for dinner eat and leave maybe I could just go for presents and then go right thinking about strategically what the problems are I mean there are a lot of people who are addicted to drugs and people don't understand that they won't drink right and so you got Grandpa there you go you want a beer you know and so there's a lot of that and I think it can be really overwhelming for anybody to be with their family for the holidays and then when you throw in an addiction it's
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extra so you just look at like can I go at the beginning and leave early and say I have another place to be can I go in the middle you know just really thinking about what's the event what does it entail and which piece can you be there for if if any I remember in in the first five years of recovery um we would have multiple Day family events Andre and one of the days I remember in the afternoon said hey I got to leave and they're like where you going I said I'm going to a meeting and they were shocked and like I
13:06
had built my meetings into the recovery events and I was like hey I can't be here at one and I can't you know and my sister and nieces nephews they all had things to do with their friends right so I was like you know what I have to build in my own self-care because they don't it's not their responsibility to make sure I'm okay and especially if you're traveling right you know um can we talk about the environment a little bit because I think that that for me was one of the big things I was going to go to a house that
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had alcohol I had been a year without alcohol in my house and you know and cravings and all of that you know crazy stuff that happens in early recovery your impulse control isn't always the best how can you set up your environment in a win-win situation when you're traveling for the holidays I think you find out where the meetings are right you need to know where the meetings are and when the meetings are before you go so that you can build that in but also so that if you're having a hard time you
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know well there's a meeting in a half an hour I wasn't planning on going to it but I guess I'm going to right you go for walks you walk away for a while if you are staying there you go up to your room and you take a break you figure out who your allies are and you use those allies you get on your phone and you call your support people right and I am always one that says if it's a days long event before you even go into it you decide if that dayl long event is too much for you and you say I can be there
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for two days but not five I can be there for one day but not you know you really think about being really honest with yourself how much you think you can handle and then if it winds up being less than that it winds up being less than that because ultimately your sobriety is your life abely you have have anything right and you're not going to be able to go to these family events and enjoy them if you're not if you're using again so you really need to be clear with yourself that your sobriety comes before anything
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I think we get pressured a lot in this culture that we must want to be with our families and sometimes we don't right sometime or sometimes we can't and it's not that you're a bad son or a bad brother or a bad grandson if you can't or a bad granddaughter if you can't be there for five days it's that you're taking care of your health you know let's dive into that a little bit because as a therapist let you know I'd like you to be really honest about this because I know there's
15:40
always this Pat answer that you know hey there's always resolution with everybody all the time you know as I've kind of grown up a lot I've realized that you know what sometimes that's not the case you know I I have had people in my life that I've had to say you know what that's it like it's just for me it's not going to work it's like you know I'm not I'm not going to even if I do stay sober around this person I'm not going to live my best recovered life around this it's
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just it's not going to work when are times Andrea when you just have to say I can't do it right now I know you've had those clients where it's just like you know what abely this is just really not going to be not not only is it not going to be enjoyable super dangerous and it's just not a good idea when are those times when you've laid a boundary again and again and they and they keep Crossing that boundary when there's been abuse in the past and it hasn't been resolved and you don't feel
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that you're emotionally or physically safe with that person when um they continue to do the thing that was abusive when they can't stop enabling you right you really need to think about whether you can be around this person right now and I am a big believer in today I can't be with this person that doesn't mean I'll never be able to be with this person but today I can't be with this person and maybe that'll be for 10 years or maybe that'll be for the rest of my life or maybe that'll be for
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a week but today I can't be with that person it's not good for me today I love that I love that you know final thoughts here if anybody's sitting listening to this and saying you know maybe it's her first Christmas or holiday season sober and they're like well that's it for me I'm never going to be able to enjoy holidays ever again I probably not going to be able to ever see my family ever again in the same way what would be your message to them a lot of times especially if you started using really young it's really
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hard to believe that you can enjoy life sober but there is so much fun to be had in a sober way I mean you can have so much more fun because you're really present because you're really with people because you can really connect to people right and so you really start to notice those connections that feel more genuine now and um you try and make as many boundaries as you can and spend less time with the people that trigger you and more time with the people that make you feel good which is what we should all be doing anyway we want
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people around us that accept us as we are and make us feel good right so look for those people and start to connect with them I love it that is what the holidays is all about after all right yeah well wishing everybody a sober holiday season Andrea Lee thank you so much for coming on the show today we're going to put links on how you can get in touch with Andrea and uh in the show notes so go ahead and uh you know reach out to her if you have any questions thank you so much for coming on today and sharing all of your knowledge
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absolutely I hope everybody has a great holiday sometimes addiction recovery can be a lonely battle but you don't have to fight it alone at recovered life we're dedicated to helping you live your best recovered life and that's why we're inviting you to subscribe to our free Weekly Newsletter every week we carefully curate exclusive content from leading minds and addiction recovery mental health and all things important to the recovery lifestyle stay in the know with the latest news about addiction and get exclusive invitations
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