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home is a place. a people. a memory. a home with open doors to those who need them, 1471 Thomas Sloane Avenue, better known as Laurie's House, is, has been, will be a place of becoming. but it is too late. 1471 Thomas Sloane Avenue, Laurie's House, is gone.
// Laurie's House is a TTRPG Actual Play, produced by tendervicious studios. Using The Home We Remember as its system, Laurie's House tells a tale of memory, identity, and community.
Hamnah: Welcome and thank you for listening to Laurie’s House! Laurie’s House is a Home We Remember Actual Play produced by tendervicious studios, a multimedia production studio that creates experimental shows with intent. We aim to challenge and redefine what is possible across mediums. Laurie’s House features Cai Kagawa as the Architect; Gwendolyn Kelly, Hamnah Shahid, and Amir or Nada Alami as the players; Sea Thomas as the dramaturg; Navaar Seik-Jackson as the podcast editor; and Lexi McQueen as the theme composer.
Hamnah: This episode of Laurie’s House would not be possible without our sponsors, Frivolous Bear Studios and Hero Forge.
Frivolous Bear Studios is a new gaming studio focusing on tabletop roleplaying games that tell untold stories and uplift marginalized voices. The studio is currently accepting pitches for tabletop roleplaying games and other gaming experiences, as well as interest from artists, editors, and designers. Go to FrivolousBearStudios.com to submit your pitch or to express interest for creative work!
Hero Forge offers fully customizable tabletop miniatures with dozens of fantasy species and thousands of parts to choose from. Their easy-to-use design tool lets you build your perfect miniature online using a fully 3D, in-depth character creator right in your web browser. Visit HeroForge.com to start designing your custom miniature today and check back often: new content is added every week!
Thank you so much to Frivolous Bear Studios and Hero Forge for supporting our show. We hope you’ll join us in giving love back to our sponsors, so we can all continue to make weird, experimental art. Without further ado, let’s walk together into Laurie’s House.
Hamnah: Content warnings for this episode of Laurie’s House include discussions of homophobia and transphobia, complex and complicated relationships, discussions of sexism and misogyny, references to animal attacks, blood, large bodies of water, discussions of death, snakes, explicit discussions of suicide and suicidal ideation, references to drowning, mild gore, and fish. Please take care of yourself while listening and thank you for Going There with us.
Episode 8: WHAT WE BRING WITH US.
Amir/Nada: Take a step forward. Walk into a different room. A different building. A different part of town.
Gwen: Look around you. Where are you? When are you?
Amir/Nada: Memories are not perfect snapshots—
Gwen: They are paintings, recreated—
Gwen: Into the past.
Amir/Nada: The act of remembering is a rewriting—
Amir/Nada: The moment we’re in, by who we are right now.
Gwen: Memories are held—
Gwen: Buildings. In parts of town important to us.
Amir/Nada: Time is a place—
Amir/Nada: Find it, you remember.
Gwen: You rewrite. You—
Gwen: You relive.
Amir/Nada: What story—?
Gwen: Will you tell—?
Amir/Nada & Gwen: How many times will you tell it?
Cai: The diner is from the before. Before they built the new train station. Before the bank building next door. Before Laurie’s House. But, for you… three… it is from late night food runs, lunch when the fridge was empty and no one but you was home, and the one place nearby with the right ingredients always on hand for a sundae. It's where someone went when the door to their last home closed behind them for good and they just needed a cup of warm tea. It's where two people still finding their feet in a relationship sat on the same side of the table for the first time. And it's a place where a mother brought her daughters for a slice of her favourite pie. There's an old mural on the exterior wall, but it wasn't always a lion. There's a toy leopard on the counter by the cash register where there used to be a maneki-neko. There's a dragon that is engraved on the aluminum around the order window that they added when the old one got damaged in a grease fire. And now, you're here. You are here, right, Eira?
Cai: [Sigh] Dione and Deen, is this your favourite booth or just the one someone tells you to sit in?
Gwen: I mean, does—does anyone have a favourite booth? It's just a place to sit.
Amir/Nada: Well, sitting can be—Sitting can be fun. It can be painful. It's better than the bar stools. We have a nice view out. It's… It's colder than I remember. But wasn't it—? Isn't this our spot? Like… We used to come here, you know, when we were younger?
Gwen: Right. We sat here and then we kept sitting here. But we didn't sit here because this is our favourite seat.
Amir/Nada: Mm.
Gwen: We sit here together. That's—That’s what makes it.
Amir/Nada: Yeah, and Deen, they liked being particular, but it's either they sit next to you so they can knock your feet sideways or they sit in front of you so they can see you. Because, even when they were young, they had long legs. They would always be able to reach you somehow. And they look different. They… look almost new, but still the same way you remember them. Boyish. Girlish. Dog-eared. Dog-tagged. Wearing a collar so thick and tall that their neck looks straighter almost. There's even, strangely, a spindly, red thread of a leash that seems to disappear into the air, pointing towards the window, pointing towards… Well, you don't know where it's pointing. And you can hear a tail wagging. It is on the vinyl, uncomfortable as always. It is short. It is stubby. And you will soon see it is dogged. Their nose is wet, but their eyes are the same. They are tilting their head at you.
Gwen: Dione tilts her head back. Familiar and unfamiliar. She also looks different. None of her is visible. There's armour. There's a veil. There's a heat radiating from the inside that wasn't there before. Something is shifting. Something is moving underneath her skin that you can't see. Something… Something is changing right now. But those crimson curls still peek from underneath the helmet. Those golden eyes still visible, shining beneath the veil, searching over you.
Amir/Nada: And you hear, like, two impactful smells, like they are trying to smell what is changing. And then, it turns into a sigh. They stop tilting their head. And it is so bright out that the armour and even your hair, it's caught in a bright white. Is it snowing? I don't know. No. No.
Amir/Nada: [Sigh] “Dione, I don't know if we're doing this right. I don’t… How are you?”
Gwen: “I don't know. And… I don't know if there's a way to do this right. You—”
Amir/Nada: [Sigh]
Gwen: “Ran back and I ran away and… I—I thought… Surely, there were answers that weren't in the house.”
Amir/Nada: “I thought surely there were answers that were in the house. And, um, maybe that was—that was my mistake. I made—Maybe I should have taken you. With me, you know?”
Gwen: “Maybe I should have taken you with me, but maybe… Are you just as lost as I am, even with what you know now? What have you found? Have you found anything? I know you have.”
Amir/Nada: Mm, and there is, like, a flash of nonverbal guilt, a lowering of—Their ears are kind of drooping right now and that's weird. It is a little unfamiliar, but they take that moment and say, “I think this isn't, like, a divine retribution. And maybe it is a game, but we're still—We're being given a way to, I guess, circle it. Or even if I don't want to keep coming back here, I, um, I think we still need to try. And I—I—I wish Eira was here, so that they could say that they were right, maybe. I guess that's what I learned.”
Gwen: Dione… Dione’s shoulders slump a bit. “I don't… I don't know what they're running from. They're running."
Amir/Nada: “But they're running.”
Gwen: “But they’re running. And you know? I've been running, too. I just have been running in circles.”
Amir/Nada: [Sigh] “I guess I see that. Because all I'm doing is watching people and their lives pass by. I can't really run like that. Or… I've stopped, which…” They look ashamed. “Maybe we need a reminder or I need to remember, so that we can have a reminder.” And, suddenly, the vinyl is too much again and there is more hair on the back of their neck that stands as they finally get up. It is loud and unceremonious. Actually, very ceremonious. And they offer their hand to you.
Gwen: Dione looks at your hand from behind the veil… for a second. Two. Three. Four. And as she stands up, she's in front of you and she is behind you and she is next to you and she is in all of the empty booths in this diner.
Amir/Nada: And Deen doesn't question it.
Gwen: And she takes your hand and you aren't sure from what angle. You aren't sure if it's from behind or if it's Dione in front of you or if it's at your side. But you feel hers in yours.
Amir/Nada: And honestly, if there were rules to this, they were never going to figure it out here. And they squeeze a hand. They have two hands and it kind of doesn't feel like enough, but they still lead you and also you and you out.
Cai: Deen, will you pull a card for me? I sense… something very personal. So, let's make this major arcana, shall we?
Amir/Nada: I like the way you think. Glad I have everything out for once, so this can be very quick. It's the Magician!
Cai: You hold both your Magician and Dione in your hand. Deen, “what truth about yourself have you realized that empowers you? Or what lie about yourself do you tell that holds you back?”
Amir/Nada: They know where they're going. This is probably the most confident and the most purposeful that they have felt leaving the diner. If the diner was a single place to leave and not just—and not just a clock hand sweeping past them. Deen… Not—They don't necessarily fade, but something shifts as… Even though everything looks so like snowy, cold, almost pristine outside, we step outside and there is a void until… we used to be kids. And I will say, for the record: My name is Medina. My pronouns are something I've never had to guess. And I'm 10. And that makes you… nine. But it was less than a year, so aren't you almost 10?
Gwen: Yeah, uh, you can just say I'm 10.
Amir/Nada: Okay, okay. I, uh, I mean, you know so much. So, it's like you're basically older than me. And that's okay! Um, for now, we are at a campsite. That's what we remember, right? We are at—We are going out camping with your family?
Gwen: Yeah, uh, me and my mom and my sister.
Amir/Nada: Mhm, mhm, mhm, and, um… We—I've never been camping before, but it's been really fun and I learned a lot. We spent basically all the time together because your parents would not let me go alone anywhere, which… is new. It's new, but that's okay! Um, Dione, you're… alone though, somewhere at the campfire?
Gwen: Yeah. I'm just poking at it with a stick.
Amir/Nada: Mhm, mhm, and I—I come in to frame or I come in your line of sight or… You have—
Cai: Medina.
Amir/Nada: Yeah!
Cai: You enter stage right.
Amir/Nada: Oh! Okay. I—I'm still learning a lot of things. That's… Yeah, okay. My… Oh, I was sent—I was sent here! And that is Medina talking to her herself. She comes up to you, Dione, with perhaps a lot of layers for the cold. Uh, I don't think they've ever been out in the snow, so it's been a lot of wide-eyed looking around at something that is kind of annoying and, like, Northeastern America? Question mark? Snow is pretty common, but they act like it is so wonderful. And they come up to you. She comes up to you.
Gwen: “Oh, um… Hi, Medina.”
Amir/Nada: “Hi! Um, I… Well, I wasn't sent here to do anything, but, um, the others are in the cabin. I think they wanted to let you know that dinner is…” And she's, like, maybe slowing down a little bit too much with her words and tilts her head. “Are you okay?”
Gwen: Dione, who is also bundled up mostly by her mother, she has on her puffer jacket, has a little baby flannel underneath. Um, she doesn't prefer to be bundled up. Um, and she takes the stick that she was poking at the fire with, and she kicks up a log, and some embers, uh, burst out a little bit as she looks away from you.
Gwen: “Oh, is dinner ready?”
Amir/Nada: “Um… Not yet! Um, they said… They said 20 minutes and, um, to make sure you weren't wandering. But you're not wandering! So… So...”
Gwen: “Yeah, it's okay. Um, if you want to keep playing with Theia, you can.”
Amir/Nada: “Oh! I'm—I'm—I'm done. It's okay.” And maybe, like, suddenly, they plop on the log and it is very clearly so sudden for them that they yelp. She yelps. Like… Like a puppy that's maybe confused by the gravity and the hardness and the angles of the world and… Uh, she rubs her back a little bit, like… “No, um…”
Gwen: “Are you okay? Was the log sharp?”
Amir/Nada: “Well… [Sigh] I guess, like, there's a lot of bark and bark is sharp.” And her knees are, like, knocking and her left leg is vibrating. I think there is an emotion that you can't place. You're also looking away. But she could create a friction fire with the amount of kinetic energy coming off of her. It is almost like, before anything happens, that you are getting warmed by it.
Gwen: I think with the vibration of the log from you—
Amir/Nada: The log is vibrating.
Gwen: Uh, yeah. She turns to you and looks you up and down. “Um… I'm glad you're here.”
Amir/Nada: “Yeah?”
Gwen: “Um, are you having fun? I know you said you haven't been out here before.”
Amir/Nada: And there's something like a cloud that passes over her and it’s gone in a second as she, like, manually scrunches her face to get it out. Like she's winding something. Like a spring ready to come out of a box to reveal… I don't know, like, a confession? Is that what they want? Is that what she wants? Is that what she wants?
Amir/Nada: “I… Yeah, I mean… Is this something that you do often?” And they—she nudges closer to you.
Gwen: And, getting closer, you can see just the tiniest peak of skin where her scarf is not covering up her neck and there is a little tongue flick.
Amir/Nada: Mm.
Gwen: “Um, yeah, like… Sometimes we're here, um… But this was the first time we got to bring a friend and, uh, I like it a lot. Um, I wish that, uh, Theia didn't have to take you away sometimes. I think we could just play together. Um, but… I don't know. She's older, so I guess she's more fun.”
Cai: Medina, as you listen to Dione speak, you feel the log beneath you tightening like a spring. The bushes around you tightening, coiling. The fire before you shrinking and anxious as your insides change the world around you, getting tighter and tighter. The stars are stressed.
Amir/Nada: And Deen realizes that Medina does have a trick. It is simple. And with the almost-confession being tossed her way, she smiles and drapes her outer coat seamlessly, like she was made to do it, over Dione's shoulders. If there was a tremor. Were you cold?
Gwen: She was. She just doesn't like when other people dress her. But this is not getting dressed. This is an offering. This is a gesture. This is unexpected.
Amir/Nada: “I like you, too.”
Gwen: “Really?”
Amir/Nada: “Yeah. I… [Sigh] Uh, um… I wish sometimes I didn't have to live away from you, you know? Um… And… And there's a lot to like about you.”
Gwen: “Like what?”
Amir/Nada: “Mm, well, I like being with you. I like talking to you about things. Like trading games and also animals and plants. And you know a lot about what smells good. And I like singing stupid stuff with you, even though, the radio, Theia says it's trashy. Sometimes it's okay. I think you could talk to me about the time of day and I'd like it.”
Gwen: [Small laugh] “I like those things, too. You make boring things fun.”
Amir/Nada: Mm, and you hear wagging. You hear, like, a thumping of a foot in the snow. The snow is melting. The rules—Medina and Deen love rules. But the snow is almost hovering around us. Even if she willed it to fall, it wouldn't fall in this moment. It's like there's no one else. And when Medina said she was done with Theia in this moment, she wants you to believe it.
Gwen: And, I think, as you notice the snow beginning to melt, it begins to melt even faster. Not rapidly. Not suddenly, but in a way that there is this area, this circle, this coil around these two that begins to warm. She does! She does believe you. She doesn't believe that you're not gonna be friends with Theia anymore. She doesn't think that you're trying to placate her. She believes you.
Amir/Nada: And the moment feels very warm. And maybe there is no trick to it, though in magic acts, there's typically three phases: the pledge, the turn, the prestige. And the pledge is the initial phase. Something that creates a sense of normalcy. Like, we are here and we like each other and it is contained. There are lights. There is an audience, but we are invited to watch. And the turn is a pivotal moment where we understand a trick might be happening. And… Medina is peaking glances at you. If you already knew at this age that eye contact was hard, you would see so much effort in not being able to look away from you right now.
Gwen: And Dione takes the jacket and she pulls it over herself like a blanket. “Let's talk about something.”
Amir/Nada: “Okay! Okay.” And they are perhaps too obedient, too ready to give you what they want. But this isn't that. She is facing you. She is as serious as you have ever seen her.
Gwen: And Dione takes the stick that she was playing with and she puts it into the fire. And she lifts up this flaming wand and holds it in between the two of you.
Amir/Nada: Mhm.
Gwen: “What's... that something? You want to talk about something, I can tell.”
Amir/Nada: “Mm! Uh, um, um…” [Sigh] And all at once, it is like, she is too young and she doesn't want to be 10. She doesn't want to be 11. She doesn't want to be anything younger than right now, but... She is able to hold your gaze but for a moment. “I... I like you. Um... I don't feel… ready to be or to like… I think if there were rules, I never found them.”
Gwen: “Oh! Okay.”
Amir/Nada: “And kids talk about it all the time, right? Like, liking liking. But you like girls!”
Gwen: “Uh… Yeah.”
Amir/Nada: “Yeah.”
Gwen: “I mean… Do you not? Does everybody not like girls?”
Amir/Nada: “Oh, I didn't know that was an option. I like girls. I… Hones—Who—?” And then she sits up, maybe indignant. “Who doesn't like girls?! I guess… [Sigh] I don't know.”
Gwen: “Yeah. I mean, does it matter?”
Amir/Nada: “Mm…” And there is a worry on her lips. Her teeth are too sharp. That's how they grew in. [Sigh] It's almost piercing the bottom of her lip as she needs to think on that question.
Gwen: [Laughs]
Amir/Nada: And I think there is a shift. This is still the second stage, which maybe is not fully complete as it is. But she laces her fingers together tightly. “I'd like to be someone's girlfriend, but I don't think I can do that.” And then a cloud does come into the theater, the stage, the campsite, and it is dark. And you understand immediately she is not afraid of you. She is not afraid of rejection. And she's also maybe afraid of rejecting you, but there is something else.
Gwen: “Well… I guess you don't have to be a girlfriend. Um, you can be… anything. Is a knight a girlfriend? Is a dragon a girlfriend?”
Amir/Nada: [Whispering] “A dragon could be a girlfriend.”
Gwen: “What about a wizard?”
Amir/Nada: “Mmm!”
Gwen: “I'd rather be a wizard than a girlfriend.”
Amir/Nada: “Like, I'd like to be a knight. I'd like—I'd like that a lot.” And the cloud is still there. And you understand… I think, what is common about when you drop her off at home, every day that she is allowed to get out of the house, Tera picks her up. Sometimes you're there. Sometimes Theia’s there. But there is something like a cloud hanging over Medina's house every time she comes out. The actual turn, the actual second stage of the magic act is that she enters her own house and something disappears. In the prestige, the final part of the trick where the resolution comes is that it's sort of magical how she comes out of the house every day. The house isn't an illusion and she isn't an illusion, but she comes back from a disappearance.
Cai: The stage is set and still. Maybe it's—the fly line is tight. Everything is so wound. And you would think, with a cloud above you, that something could be released. It hovers and hangs. The campfire sits like a ghost light on the stage. Waiting.
Amir/Nada: There's no trick. It's not a magic trick. It's a mEiracle, but it is a daily mEiracle. And this is typically where an audience becomes amazed by something about the illusion of not needing to know the details, never entering the precipice of her house, never knowing how bad it might be. It is enough to admire the strength of the magician, even if she is 10, nine, eight, seven, younger. She's too young for this. But look at how good she is at being a person after it all ends! Maybe that's the trick: the acting, the act. But nobody has to press me in order to believe me, believe them, or believe her. This is a refuge in the campsite in front of the campfire, but Medina is just an anxious individual. Medina is quiet, studious, and always vigilant, as if she was adopted into a strange home. But she wasn't adopted. She was just… raised to obey. And I think the wondering about what she could be, it gives her pause. She's never considered it before. She would like to be a knight… But maybe she is too young and that's why she's telling you this right now.
Amir/Nada: “My mom… I don't think she'd let me pick real flowers for you. I think you deserve someone who can do that because I don't think you deserve paper flowers, even though they last. You deserve someone that'll grow them for you.”
Gwen: “Oh. I like your paper flowers, though.”
Amir/Nada: “Mm, well, thanks. I’m sure… [Sigh] It's hard to store them. It’s—I guess it's less cringe than paper stars anyway. I know those are easier.”
Gwen: “Well, I have been collecting them and my mom says that, when I have enough, that she can frame them for me.”
Amir/Nada: “Oh… Man, your mom is so nice. Your mom is so cool.” And she leans on your shoulder.
Gwen: And Dione leans back. “You don't have to be my girlfriend, Medina.”
Amir/Nada: “Really?”
Gwen: “You can be whatever you want!” And she holds out the stick. “You could be a knight.”
Amir/Nada: And she looks at the stick. “I wanna—I wanna be… grown up already, but… They want me to be grown up already.” And you know who she's talking about.
Gwen: “Mmm…”
Amir/Nada: “I don't know if I can do that now.”
Gwen: “Yeah, it seems boring and kinda hard.”
Amir/Nada: “Mhm, mhm. [Sigh] But… I don't know how to feel ready. I think… I need to go back into somewhere that wants me to hide and I don't want to… hide. I don't want to be hidden. I don't want to hide you. I think I want to get out.”
Gwen: “Mm. We're out now.” And Dione looks around. “Maybe not always, but we're out now.”
Amir/Nada: And she kicks her legs at that. [Sigh] “Here! Um, you're right. You're right. I'm gonna give you... Here. Here.” She starts fumbling with her pockets. “Now, I'm gonna give you something that… It’s, for now, between you and me.” And you see her pull out a shit brick of a phone. It is old. And it is a flip phone. You don't know how she got it and she doesn't explain how she got it. She just knows you have a phone, right?
Gwen: “What's this?”
Amir/Nada: “Um… I mean… It's—It’s… Just… I don't know your number.”
Gwen: “Oh! Yeah, I don't either. I wrote it on the back of my phone.”
Amir/Nada: “Okay, okay.”
Gwen: And Dione pulls out, uh, a little, uh, Nokia that has written in a silver marker on the back, the number to the phone.
Amir/Nada: Mhm.
Gwen: And she just holds it up to you.
Amir/Nada: Mhm, and you see—you see her hunched over the fire with you, this bubble of melted snow still encasing us. And you hear her go tap, tap, tap, nine times, and then six more. And you get a text from an unknown number that says, ‘Call me.’
Gwen: She hits call and puts the phone—the phone up to her ear immediately.
Amir/Nada: Mhm, and that is… I think, the actual release of the spring of... something that wants to be ready, but is not. There's no more anxiety. She is fully kicking her legs, waving her hair, and shaking her head like gravity was a suggestion. And her hair is too long, but it's okay. That'll change eventually. And she picks it up and you hear her voice double.
Amir/Nada: [Doubled] “That's for later. I—It's for when I'm at home. I'm gonna try and talk more.”
Gwen: “Okay.”
Amir/Nada: Mm. Then Medina leaves you a bunch of voicemails at inopportune times, maybe, but it goes on for years. And do you keep them?
Gwen: Dione keeps them.
Amir/Nada: If there was one thing that Medina understood at that point, is that even if there weren't rules that she knew, is that she loved to… give things. And she would try and give you every boring, mundane change in her life. She loved changes until, like, 13, 14 and, I think, it just got so frustrating that Medina basically came up to you, um, unannounced, like, at—during a day that we were supposed to hang out and said, “We should just switch this. Like, I'm… [Sigh] I didn't ask for this. Changes, these changes. I… [Sigh] Let's just switch. That can be our secret.”
Gwen: “We can switch anything you want.”
Amir/Nada: “Okay! Alright. Alright. I… I would—I would like that. I'm too young to go to a doctor alone right now.” And again, the anxiety lifts. The cloud almost leaves. But the voicemails kept piling, and now every single change that they wanted to talk to you about was punctuated by the way that she—they would start voicemails. It's always, “Hey! Call me. Hey! Call me. Hey, Dione! [Sputtering] When you get the chance, please call me. Hey! Dione, please call me. Yooo, Dione! Please call me. Dione! Hey! Miss you. Please call me. Please. Call me Deen.”
Cai: Deen, “what truth about yourself have you realized that empowers you? Or what lie about yourself do you tell that holds you back?”
Amir/Nada: Deen doesn't doubt themself after this. It is hand forward in a handshake the first thing about them that is clear. That they will grow into themself and then never stop. It is a suggestion to call them by whatever is comfortable and sometimes, they let that go until it hurts. And then it is just, “Call me by my name.”
Cai: What on your character sheet changes?
Amir/Nada: The sound, which… Really, it's some—it's a somewhat obscure song about grief and loss, about literal death that haunts people. And it changes to a child's voice growing twice. Maybe stuck in a second puberty, but they chose it. The sound is, “Call me Deen.”
Cai: And what in the house changes?
Amir/Nada: The multi-tool becomes a flaming wand.
Cai: The diner… The diner is empty. Deen and Dione… are still in their happy childhood memory around a fire, and I still don't know where Eira is. Hamnah, where's Eira?
Hamnah: I suppose there's only one way to find out.
Cai: Since they're not here, let's find where they are through the only tool we have: memory. Hamnah, will you please pull a card for me? Major arcana.
Hamnah: I drew the Sun.
Cai: Eira, wherever you are, “what part of yourself shines brightly when others look at you? Or what part of yourself blinds others when they look at you?”
Hamnah: The doors to the diner burst open. And for a second, you can't see anyone or anything in them. It is a bright, bright day outside. The sun shining through, blinding everybody inside of it. It's snowing outside and the snow bounces the sun's rays, making them even brighter and hitting them just in the right spot in your eyes so that you can't see. But with the doors open, Eira runs inside. They are heaving, their breath rapid, uneven. Their long, straight, ash-coloured hair that is usually worn in this tight, no-nonsense ponytail, out of the way, so that they can get the job done, is untangled, tousled, loose for once. There are bits of twigs and leaves stuck in parts of them, as if they'd been rolling around in the forest, on the ground in some way. And their striking grey eyes look around the room like an animal looking for something. Frantic. And you can see that their jacket that they are always wearing is nowhere to be found. And, instead, their shirt has rips tearing through it. Four vertical lines across their stomach, across their shoulder, across their arms, revealing small injuries where you can see blood dripping down their body as well. Eira rushes in and… Dione and Deen, wherever you were in your soft bubble, your protection of melted snow around this campfire, you're no longer there. You find yourself sitting at the diner, at the vinyl, at the same table, the same booth that we have been this whole time. And the sun blinds you, but Eira runs through and places both of their hands, their paws on the table with a slam. And they look into both of your eyes from one to the other, quickly and frantically.
Hamnah: “Come on, I need to take you somewhere.”
Gwen: “What's happening? Where—?”
Hamnah: “Come on! I need to take you somewhere. We need to go now.”
Cai: A low growl fills the diner.
Hamnah: “We don't have time.”
Amir/Nada: An animal looks back at you and puts their hand kind of clumsily on yours if you are offering it.
Hamnah: And Eira will take that as permission to grab your hand, perhaps a little too, uh, quickly, a little too… a little too firmly. And Eira will pull you, Deen, out of the booth, and will look over to Dione and hold out their other hand. “Come on!”
Gwen: Dione reaches out. You should be met with the iron of a gauntlet, but instead, you're met with the gloved hand of a princess. It's firm, but soft, but not prepared. But in the other hand is a sword that clanks to the floor as she's dragged up.
Hamnah: And as you do, you grab Eira's hand and you can see that their forearms, where the chestnut tattoos are, are starting to crack a little bit as Eira pulls Dione out of the booth as well. Just as firmly. Just as quickly. A little too roughly. And starts almost running, but power walking very quickly out of this booth and headed due north. And Eira has you both by their side. They let go of your hands, but they are not looking back at either of you, um, as they guide you through town. And you can see that there is this… It's hard to even pin down what kind of energy it is. It’s—I mean, Eira's always moving, right? Eira's always running, but it's—This is not that. This is not the Eira that you're used to. There is a new something cracking through this momentum, this movement, and it's unsettling, perhaps. It is unfamiliar at the very least. You've never seen Eira this... not put together, this not stable, this unsteady, for lack of a better word.
Cai: You pass buildings in this town, familiar ones, and then trees, and then more familiar buildings. But there become less and less buildings, and more and more trees. And between them, Eira, you glance just for a moment to make sure nothing is behind you. But a flash of predatory eyes catch you between the trees.
Hamnah: “Come on, we're not—we’re not moving fast enough. Come on, follow me.” And Eira picks up the pace, now going into a light jog. Um, you can tell that there is—they are one step away from sprinting for their life in whatever direction they're going. And you notice that, at some point, we are moving far out of town. And eventually, eventually, much too late for what Eira would prefer—and you can see it in the way that they move, in the way that they run with you close following their heels—Eventually, you find yourselves at the lake. The lake north of town. And once there, Eira turns around very quickly. Very suddenly stops with no warning whatsoever, um, and turns around to face both of you, and looks at you, behind you, and then at you again very expectantly.
Gwen: “Wh—What? Why are we—?” And Dione's gaze tries to follow Eira’s. She… She’s confused. And she's confused, smoke falling out of her mouth, the sword dragging sparks along the way.
Amir/Nada: Deen is less confused because we've been to the lake before. I saw Eira at the lake before, but we're not in the lake. And also, they are wheezing, I think, trying to hold it together in a way that you have to let a harsh almost, like, acidic breath out through your teeth, so that you don't collapse. But they are still steady. They still are the same. Their eyes are the same. They are smelling the air. They're not tracking your gaze because they are screwing their eyes on you, Eira.
Cai: Eira, between the faithful dog, the noble knight-princess-dragon, a fourth arrives. Crouched low, walking purposefully, not directly towards you. Just at an angle, watching, waiting for you to make the wrong move. The snow leopard approaches, pushing you closer and closer to the waterfront, getting ever nearer to you and your friends.
Hamnah: Eira looks at the snow leopard, just between Deen and Dione. And Eira's hair is wet with the snow, wetter than it should be, given how long we've been out here. It hasn't been that long, but it's wet. Dripping. And then they tear their eyes away from the snow leopard and look at you, Dione, first, and then at you, Deen. “Well! Do—Do you see?”
Gwen: “I see you.”
Amir/Nada: And Deen is closing their eyes, trying so hard to breathe it in, to understand. But they are still trying so hard not to double over that they give up for a second. “I just see you. Um…"
Hamnah: [Groan] “No. Okay, um… Okay, um…” And Eira grabs both of your hands once again and starts walking backwards into the lake, and they take you to a shallow part of the lake. They don't go too deep in, and they stop. And as your feet, for the first time, step into the water, when you, Dione and Deen, look around, you realize that you are at the lake, but you're not at the lake. Those are the trees that you're used to seeing, the trees that we've been to for vacations and outings and, you know, the bachelor party for Theo and Pascal. But these trees look different, strange, taller, wider, looming. There's not a sound here. There's no birds. You can't hear any fish swimming in the lake. It feels still, isolated, and alone.
Cai: With every step, Eira, a perfect mirror. You step back and a bloody paw mirrors your step. Closer and closer, stopping at the edge of the water.
Hamnah: “Do you get it?”
Gwen: “Eira…”
Hamnah: “Do you get it?!”
Amir/Nada: Deen looks up. It's dark. It's... I don't know what time it is, but they see, if it's okay with you, like, a darkness from the clouds covering the sun. It is dark out. They do not know what time it is. And they look and they still have not found it. “Do you need us to watch your back?”
Hamnah: “No! No! I don't need—!” And Eira again looks between the two of you at something that you two can't see. Something that is following them, supposedly. Something that they are running from. And they… they put their hands over their face. They run it along their eyes and through their hair that is still dripping wet, somehow wetter now than it was before. And Eira blurts out, “Are you afraid of death?”
Gwen: “Well… I don't really think about it.”
Amir/Nada: “I think about it all the time. Um…"
Hamnah: “Are you afraid of death?” And Eira looks very expectantly at the both of you.
Gwen: “Of course, I am.” And Dione looks away for just a moment. That snake that usually caresses her body is gone. It's… not here. Disappeared into a hole in the back of her neck. There is no aquatic animal that she can turn into in this moment that would help her answer this question. “I—I'm afraid of—I've already lost so much. Of course, I am.”
Amir/Nada: “I… don't know how much time I have, but I think about it. [Sigh] It's not, like, an evil, necessarily, um… Yes, I wouldn't fight to live if there was nothing to push against.”
Hamnah: “Of course, you are. Of course, you both are. As people, as animals, we all want to live, right? We all have this instinct to live. It's one of the base things that makes us alive, right? Right?” And Eira is no longer looking at the two of you, but is looking at the snow leopard as they talk. And… “Every animal wants to live and wants to fight to live! But I don't. I'm not afraid… of death. You're supposed to be afraid of death. That's supposed to be true of everyone. That's supposed to be what makes us human in a way! And… I'm not.” And as Eira says that, the waters in the lake start to rise higher and higher and higher until they are above our heads. And we are floating down the lake onto the bottom of its floor. And we find ourselves standing on the sand, on the rocks, whatever lays in the depths of the lake. And as we're here, Dione and Deen, you realize that you are not uncomfortable. You realize that there is no rush of water into your lungs. There is no panic. There is no… no fight for survival like you might expect. And instead, it is comfortable. It is comforting. It is a blanket wrapping around you where you may have expected knives running through your lungs instead.
Cai: And it is so quiet.
Hamnah: “I walked out of that lake because I didn't find a fight where I thought I would. When I surfaced, I did it not because I wanted to, but because I didn't want to. I did it because… when I stepped into that water, in a lake, in this lake, in that lake, in a lake that—It doesn't matter. When I stepped in, I was alone. And I thought that… I don't really know what I thought, honestly. I just knew that all of this was really hard. It was too hard. And I just needed it all to stop being hard. I needed it… to just stop. So, I tried to kill myself. I walked into that lake and I didn't expect to walk out, but I did expect a fight. I expected… I expected my last moments to be this big to-do, this grand goodbye, this not going quiet into that good night, everything that they say that it should be. I expected to rip and tear at life in order to leave it behind. I expected to be taking my hands and tearing and ripping at myself, breaking my own bones in the process if I had to because I had to! Because I had to leave! I had to leave! And I didn’t find that fight when I was there! There was nobody to fight me. So, what was I supposed to do? [Crying] I had claws with no one to tear them into. And I was met with what? An open door? A soft bed? A pillow to rest my head on? That's not what it's supposed to be like. It's not. Everybody talks about wanting an easy death. You don't want an easy death. It's not right. It’s not right. And I couldn't just lay down and sleep. I couldn't do it. I wanted to. I wanted to so badly and I need you to understand how hard it was to walk away from that bed. ‘Cause it would have been so easy. It would have been so easy to lie down. And I had to actively—That was where the fight was. That's where I found it. I had to fight to get out of it and to swim back up and to leave and to walk away. But that's not where the fight was supposed to be. You’re supposed to be afraid of death… And I’m not.”
Gwen: The words from Eira are the only things cutting through the silence. And for Dione, as Eira speaks, as hauntingly easy as it is to be here, where there is no struggle, there is no fight, the weight of the lake begins to fall and… Dione has her answer.
Amir/Nada: The words don’t… faze is the wrong word. Deen takes this in like… a professional, like something was being hidden and there was a chase. Of course, it wasn't that there were rules that Deen didn't get at the cliff or the lake the first time. But this wet dog that smells so good and feels maybe more solid than they ever had been, as if they are also forming sediment at the bottom of the lake, just looks at you with the same eyes. “Do you like living?”
Hamnah: “I do.”
Cai: The water begins to drain from the lake. Going nowhere, you stand at the bottom, but you see the sun on the surface above.
Hamnah: And Deen and Dione, as the water drains from the lake, you can see, for the first time, the thing that's been chasing Eira this whole time. The thing that Eira brought with them that they never talked about, that they refused to talk about, that they didn't need to talk about. It's the past. What does it matter? And you can see the snow leopard. You can see it, bloodied paw and all. That we were never a trio. Not really. There was always a fourth trailing along behind us. An uninvited guest that Eira never wanted there, but was always there. And you can see on Eira, where the claw marks were on their body, you can see the tears in their clothes, and you can put the two together.
Gwen: “This is what you were running from.”
Hamnah: And Eira, tall as they are, muscular as they are, looks the smallest they've ever looked in their entire life. And they nod. “I thought I could run from it. I thought if I left that place behind—my life behind, the people behind, everything—that I could start over. That I could… be happy or at least… enjoy my life at the very least. And I would never have to think about that again. But it… never went away. Never went away. And… Now, I just spend every day trying to prove myself… to prove to myself that I can walk away. That I can still walk away. That I have the strength to walk away… ‘Cause if I lose that, then…”
Amir/Nada: Deen wants to adopt a defensive posture at the leopard, but they just face you instead. And they've been nodding the whole time and they say, “From the outside, the mystery of you might have been cool… at first. But I much prefer you being honest… Even though it hurts. It hurts, right?”
Hamnah: “So much.”
Amir/Nada: “I know.” And looks to Dione and nods again like this hurts. But turns to Eira again. “Thank you for bringing it to us.” [Sigh] And they take in the snow leopard.
Cai: Water drops and as it does, the snow leopard comes closer and closer, the thing to run from. Eira, have you ever looked across to the other side?
Hamnah: No.
Cai: So, only running from.
Hamnah: Yes.
Cai: Eira, what's on the other side of the lake?
Hamnah: And Eira looks up for the first time… at the other side of the lake that they didn't even realize was there. Of course, it's there every lake has another side. And they see Laurie’s House.
Cai: Colourful and bright. The door's open.
Hamnah: And Eira, who had involuntarily—very involuntarily—been crying this whole time, looks at the snow leopard that has gotten much closer than they have ever allowed it to be. And they don't say anything. They're not quite ready just yet. But they acknowledge it with a nod. And they turn to Dione and Deen. “What do you say we go home one last time?”
Gwen: Dione acknowledges the leopard not as a… a predator. Not as something to fear. Not as something unwelcome. But as something that's been here the whole time and it's just never been… invited, never been invited to change along with the rest of us. And Dione looks to Eira. “You've been running by yourself for a long time. We can go home together.”
Hamnah: “Please.”
Cai: Eira, as you walk forward, “what part of yourself shines brightly when others look at you? Or what part of yourself blinds others when they look at you?”
Hamnah: It's perhaps a bit ironic… but the parts of Eira that shine brightly are the places where they crack, or the places where their skin has torn. The places where their bones have broken. The places where their heart has shattered into so many different pieces that they've lost count. And instead of trying to hastily cover them up, Eira allows those cracks to be seen. And through those cracks, sunlight pours. A place where they never even thought it could.
Cai: And what part of you changes?
Hamnah: Eira's sound has been, for a while, the sound of running, the sound of boots hitting pavement over and over and over again. And Eira is done running. Finally, they're done running. And so, their sound changes to something much more honest. It is the sound of a scream underwater muffled by the gurgles and the bubbles as that water rushes into their lungs.
Cai: And what inside of the house changes?
Hamnah: The aquarium that contained a single electric eel, quarantined off into a corner of the first-floor community room somewhere, changes. It is a large aquarium, terrarium, combination of both, that fills up an entire wall of the community room. That has been lovingly, painstakingly turned into a self-sustaining ecosystem, full of different kinds of life.
Cai: And as you all walk out of the lake towards home, the sun shines brightly.