Pete:
Welcome to How to Split a Toaster: A divorce podcast about saving your relationships from TruStory FM. Today, swipe right on your toaster.
Seth:
Welcome to show everyone. I'm Seth Nelson. And as always, I am here with my good friend, Pete Wright. Pete, we're talking about post-divorce dating. Love is in the air.
Pete:
I can't even, I have to say, I can't even imagine this. All the things we talked about that are terrifying about going through the divorce process. This right here is the most, I can't imagine figuring out how to date again.
Seth:
Well, there's technology involved Pete. So you're going to be just fine.
Pete:
I wonder if we're thinking about the same kind of technology Seth. Wait.
Seth:
That's like the parting gift I give to people as a consolation prize. You've lost your house, your money and your children, but I have a parting gift for you. And a set of steak knives. I
Pete:
I opened a, because all of these things are so foreign to me. I have a list of the top dating apps for 2021.
Seth:
Oh, nice.
Pete:
And I am curious how these work. It was a long time. I mean, it took probably years. I have a very dear friend who met his wife on a dating app and they have a wonderful marriage and they're the ones who in my head made it less like, what's the word? Frivolous and more serious. This is a place where serious people have serious relationships, right?
Seth:
So the answer to that question is yes.
Pete:
Check your local jurisdiction.
Seth:
Check your local jurisdiction.
Pete:
Right. Miami, yes, Tampa, no?
Seth:
No, I would reverse that one. South Beach, come on.
Pete:
You're right. You're right.
Seth:
Okay. Pete, these apps can work. I have exhibit A, being the lawyer that I am. I know a couple who met on an app. They were each other's very first match for both of them.
Pete:
Wow.
Seth:
Unbelievable, right? Day one, match, match, first one, married.
Pete:
That's amazing.
Seth:
Yeah, that really brings the average down compared to what a lot of people experienced on these apps.
Pete:
A lot of people spent years, years on these apps.
Seth:
But it is out there and they work.
Pete:
Wow.
Seth:
But let's kind of recap a little bit of where we are here in the Toaster. We are about a divorce podcast, saving your relationships. We've done a lot of shows recently about different ways to go through a divorce and have it kind of not be as terrible as divorces are. And now we're talking about post-divorce dating, but I want to let everybody know we're going to get back to, how do you deal with an opposing spouse, party that is just difficult or narcissist or all those things out there? We haven't forgotten about you guys that are out there saying, "Well, hey, I'm not feeling this lovey-dovey stuff going on. I'm going through a divorce. I want to hear about it." That's coming again next week and down the road on future shows. But for today, we're going to talk about post-divorce dating. So what are your questions Pete, because I've been there?
Pete:
What, did you use an app when you got back out there? Are you an experienced app-er? Is that a thing? Did I just make a new thing?
Seth:
You just did? So I actually have two experiences in this and if I don't mess up this podcast, I hope that I'll continue to have my wonderful girlfriend that I have. So my first experience was when I got divorced, this was when my son was just two and a half years old and it was pre-apps, okay? I personally found dating very easy after a divorce.
Pete:
Really?
Seth:
Yes.
Pete:
You Casanova you.
Seth:
That wasn't it, okay? One, I'm a social guy, I like to meet people. I'm genuinely interested in people's stories, okay? And my friends at that time would and their wives or girlfriends or whatever would say, "Oh, I've got someone for you." So they would kind of set me up on these dates, okay? But what I found very easy about it for me is I was no longer out there looking for my true love and have the societal pressure of having to get married. I've been married, I've been divorced. I'm just going out to meet somebody and see if we have a nice time and have a connection. That was the goal of every single date that I went on. And when things didn't necessarily progress, I wasn't devastated and crushed by that, because I was much more comfortable being alone.
Pete:
Yeah, your whole mentality changes.
Seth:
Everything changes. So this is going to sound rude about the story I'm going to tell you, I was dating a woman and we had gone out four or five times and I wanted to continue the relationship. And I was ready to say, "Hey, I don't even want to date anybody else. I want to see where this will go." And we go out to dinner. And in the dinner it becomes very obvious to me that she's trying to break up with me and she's doing a very poor job of this.
Pete:
So do you need to do a little bit of role play? Should we try?
Seth:
Yeah. She was just like, I was talking about, "Hey, what's going on next weekend? I was thinking maybe we could go do this or do that." "Oh, I don't really know. I might have plans." It was kind of working its way around to it, right? And I just looked at her and I said, "Are you trying to break up with me? Do you not want to see me anymore?" "Well, it's not you, it's me. It's this..." And I said to her, and this was my mentality, and this is going to sound rude. I said to her, "Listen, I like you, I would like to continue to pursue a relationship with you. But if you don't want that, for whatever reason, which you do not have to explain, how I order my salad dressing, how I eat, the jokes that I tell, whatever the case may be, if you're not interested, that's okay. I'm going to feel badly about this for 24 hours, but after that, I'm going to be okay. And in six months, I'm not going to remember you."
Seth:
And she just jaw dropped, eyes got big. "What do you mean you're not going to remember me? That's just..." And I'm like, "What do you care? You're breaking up with me."
Pete:
"You're breaking up with me."
Seth:
And I said to her, here's the deal. The last relationship I was in, when we split up, I was worried about seeing my kid in the house and dividing my stuff. And like, "This is no big deal. We've gone out on four dates and there's no kids involved. This is easy, okay?" And it doesn't mean that you don't feel badly about it, but like you said Pete, my entire mentality on dating had changed. It was, I want to go out and have a nice time and if something grows, it grows. There wasn't this pressure of, "Oh my God, you turn 30. Are you getting married? Are you dating anyone? Is it serious? Is it not?" It was, "I'm a divorced guy with a kid and I'm out having a nice time."
Pete:
Able to free yourself from a lot of convention.
Seth:
Right.
Pete:
The expectations of convention.
Seth:
I think that's still true today with people that are divorced and they're dating, because you'll hear them say, and some people go through a cycle, "I'm never getting married again," or, "I'm off of it. I'm going to go hang out with my buddies," or the girls are like, "I'm going to hang out with my girlfriends. I'm done. I don't want to deal with guys." It's such a negative experience the divorce process, it just burns it, okay? Eventually, we're social creatures. We all want to have relationships, so you come back around to it. And that's when people say, "Well, now I'm ready."
Pete:
How do you have that conversation without including the word sex? At some point people have to explore a new sex life.
Seth:
Yes, absolutely. So I was exactly kind of where I was going to go next.
Pete:
Tell us about your sex life.
Seth:
Yeah. Well, it'll be a very short conversation. It'll be over quickly. All right. The cigarette might last longer. So, I am going to get in so much trouble for this podcast. I can feel it already. So, the first thing is on the first date, inevitably, you're going to compare that person with your former spouse. It's just natural. It's going to happen. So, as you go on more dates that goes away, because especially if you start dating someone, then you're going to have your own life experiences together on the dates that you went on and the things you talk about and how you approach things. But the first few dates are just weird, right? There's no getting around it. It's just weird. And then there's this time where, "Hey, I'm just having fun," or, "No, I'm not ready for a serious relationship." And then you got to kind of do that conversation with people all the time, right? So that's, that's one aspect.
Seth:
Look, it's weird kissing someone new after you've been kissing the same person for a long time. Now, some people are like, "That guy was never a good kisser, my husband, this is great," okay? So there's a spectrum.
Pete:
Let's try some new stuff, yeah.
Seth:
Right. There's the whole spectrum to this. Along with that, I think none of that changes whether you're pre-apps or post-app. It's just apps or how you meet people and kind of how it gets started, okay? So getting to the apps, give me your list of apps there that you got going on.
Pete:
Oh yeah, I got it. And in fact, these have been rated editorially by, they're top in each category. So I'll tell you the category first and then the app. And let's see, maybe this will be a little bit of a game show. Best app for long-term relationships, has the highest ranking for long-term relationships. Measured, get data set, who knows, but somehow it's measured that way.
Seth:
We're not digging into how they did their analysis.
Pete:
No, no, no, no. That's Match.com.
Seth:
Okay. I was going to guess. I was going to ask you if you were going to give me a multiple choice or fill in the blank. Okay, Match was going to be one of my ones to consider.
Pete:
So that's the best one they said, and it's been around forever, right? Match. It's been around forever. It says that, it's easy to use, great interface, lots of detail in the profiles. It's really the service to try when you're done. Casually dating and you want to really lock in a long-term partner.
Seth:
Okay.
Pete:
That sounds fair.
Seth:
Yep. Check it out. What I will tell you, what's the next category?
Pete:
Casual dating.
Seth:
Oh, okay.
Pete:
This one I think, you know-
Seth:
Is that code for hookup?
Pete:
I don't know. Is hookup an app?
Seth:
No.
Pete:
Because this one-
Seth:
You're setting me up, because now I'm going to say Tinder.
Pete:
Okay.
Seth:
Is that right?
Pete:
It is right.
Seth:
Yeah. So now I'm going to be like, "Oh." This is what I'm going to hear later. You didn't get the app for long-term relationships out, but you knew the casual relationship. So I've got that problem, okay?
Pete:
I love this one, because the definition is Tinder is fun, it's easy to use, and it's just best designed for people who want to have a good time dot, dot, dot, right now.
Seth:
That describes it, okay?
Pete:
And it's the one for people who aren't in the dating apps, this is the one that really pioneered swipe right, swipe left, right? That's the matchmaking mechanics.
Seth:
Yes, exactly. Exactly. You're doing a good job acting like you don't know what's going on with these Pete. Your wife will be proud of you. Nice.
Pete:
Yes.
Seth:
So, okay. Tinder's for hooking up. If anyone's interested in doing that, that speaks for itself. I don't think we have to go further with that conversation.
Pete:
Okay. The next one, which, and this is the one I think is most interesting and curious if you've heard of this one, it is best for woman-first dating.
Seth:
Bumble.
Pete:
It is Bumble.
Seth:
Yep. Just had an IPO. They are now a publicly traded company. All women-owned it's a phenomenal company.
Pete:
Fantastic. Gone are the days of just protracted, confusing all of that. This is just, it's a dating app for women who want to be empowered and men who want to let women make the first move.
Seth:
And so, the way that works is if there's a match, there's a timeframe for the woman to then make the first text, call it. So it could be as simple as hi, okay? It could be something clever related to your profile and or they have even some of these apps now have some standard questions just to get the icebreaker conversation going. But that is one. Now some women don't like that, they don't even want to do the first hi. Other women are like, "Oh yeah, I'm doing this. We connected. I'll make the first move." And then you have so long I think to respond, otherwise, it just goes its merry way, you're done.
Pete:
Yeah. I think it's really smart. And from as a woman, I have to imagine you don't find yourself getting inundated with messages from all kinds that maybe just aren't actually a good match. I think that's smart. There are some here that really talk about the beauty of the profiles. One here is best for best profile and best for photography is Hinge. I've never even heard of Hinge.
Seth:
Okay. I was on Hinge.
Pete:
Oh.
Seth:
I was on Bumble.
Pete:
You've got a good photo.
Seth:
Yeah, exactly.
Pete:
I can believe that.
Seth:
Looks like Robert Redford, which people do, right?
Pete:
People do that, right? One of the things you need to be worried about? Did you find, you ever got bit? what are the things that you were worried about using these apps yourself?
Seth:
I wasn't very concerned. I think it's different for guys than girls. I wasn't worried about my safety or any of those type of things. But what I found that all the apps have in common is it's usually the same people on the apps. You might see the same people. There was a friend of mine who was on the apps and she said, "I went through all the inventory." That's how she viewed the guys. Not interested, not interested, not interested. And as people know, you can set your parameters on age and other types of demographics that you're interested in. If you're a male wanting a female, female wanting a male, male wanting a male, female wanting a female, what's your age criteria, all this sort of stuff. So it will narrow geographic location. How far out? So, and there's algorithms on all this stuff. If you're constantly swiping, no, no, no, no, no, you might actually get less people to view, okay?
Pete:
Right, right.
Seth:
But let's talk about profile and profile pictures. There was a great New York Times satire piece about all the pictures that guys put up with holding fish. They're everywhere Pete.
Pete:
Oh, like they've gone fishing and they want to show their giant masculine selves holding a fish.
Seth:
Yes. I find that the women think this is ridiculous. And this New York Times that tire piece was like, "Ooh man, look, I shall provide for you." I mean, it was so ridiculous.
Pete:
Is that what it is? Do you think that's what it is? Did you find a need to post a picture of yourself with an ax next to a tree or?
Seth:
I see that I did not. I live in Florida. I'd be wrestling a gator, okay?
Pete:
Yes, yes. Where are those classic Seth Nelson gator wrestling pics?
Seth:
What I did was I posted a picture of me and it was cropped, because it was actually a picture originally where my son and I went fishing and he had caught a big fish and I held up one of the little bait fish that we had, making the joke that he caught a much bigger fish than mine. My friends who were women said, "They're all these fish pictures out there." So I cropped it where it was me holding this tiny little bait fish, because in my sense of humor, I was making fun of all the guys.
Pete:
All the other guys.
Seth:
Sometimes I'd be like, "Nice fish." And they got the joke. I'm like, "Okay, that's a good one." So here's the deal though about these apps. That is a good thing. One, it's just how people meet today. And if you're listening to this and you're like, "I don't know, I don't want to do it," talk to your girlfriends, talk to your guy friends. This is how people meet, especially coming out of COVID and we're opening up a little bit now. It's really hard to meet people just organically these days with our busy lives. If you can do it, go for it. It's the best way I think. But this is how people meet. There are some pointers that I was asking some of my friends about preparing for the show today that they suggested. One, safety. You do not know who these people are on the other side. Google them before you go out with them, okay?
Seth:
All these communications can go through the app. Don't necessarily give them your phone number to start texting you or calling directly, stay through the app until you go on a date with them and then you can delete them. And you don't have to worry about blocking a number, let somebody a friend know where you're going. All these are just really good, safe ideas, because you do not know who these people are and do not get emotionally attached or really too excited about any of these until you meet for two reasons. One, it could be a fake person. And when it comes time to meet, they bail on you. It could be somebody cheating on their spouse and they're on the app and they're off the app and they're on the app and off the app. And you can have a great chemistry texting, but when you meet them, there's just no physical chemistry there. And I'm not talking about looks, even if the pictures are right, but when you meet someone, it's just a different vibe.
Seth:
So, take it as a way to introduce yourself to people and for people to introduce themselves to you and go for there and just kind of have your radar up would be some of the key factors that a lot of people have shared with me.
Pete:
I want to drop a few more services with this topic in mind in particular. Three, the categories are best for thoughtful questions, best for test-takers and varying the lead, best for Facebook users. And those services are OkCupid, eHarmony and Facebook Dating. The first two, they're known for being super-data-oriented, great alternatives to places like Tinder, the swipe if you're hot kind of services. One of them, and now I spaced on it. It's either eHarmony or OkCupid that's that says that they work with neuroscientists to provide the best matchmaking service. And I actually went to high school with the lead neuroscientists for the company who actually teaches and then head of the neuroscience department out here, which is super-fun. But the third one to your point about privacy and safety, Facebook dating, it gets the lowest rating of all of them. I'm curious if you have any experience on any of those.
Seth:
I don't on any of those. I haven't even really heard of the Facebook Dating one. So that's a new one for me.
Pete:
Yeah. The editorializing here. If you can get over the idea of sharing even more of your life and data with Facebook, Facebook Dating is a solid choice for you.
Seth:
Yeah, it just sounds like a bad idea.
Pete:
Well, I guess.
Seth:
Not good. So that's kind of the introduction to it. And I know people are hesitant about getting on these and they're like, "Oh, I don't know," or no one ever likes their own pictures, but take it for what it's worth as a way to potentially meet somebody. It's just that simple.
Pete:
I guess, you'd have to ask yourself going throughout your day right now, or your average week, how often are you meeting new people? If the answer is not very many, then maybe this is a tool for you.
Seth:
And it's just that simple. Now, I also encourage people as we've talked on this show more than once, is going through a divorce, if you have kids, all of a sudden you have every other weekend off, you get to do those activities that you enjoy doing. So I know people that work out, they met in the gym. I know people that got involved in a softball league and that they never had time to do or did paddle-boarding and there's a little paddleboard club and they did that, going to museum, whatever it is, there's always an organization or groups of people post-COVID that you can get together and you have common interest, which is nice.
Pete:
Yeah.
Seth:
There's a running club here in Tampa that says we're a drinking club with a running problem. And they all go jog and then meet at a bar. So, I would look for those kind of opportunities and then give the apps a try, but just be safe about it. Be smart.
Pete:
Yeah. Let me ask you a question not related to apps, one of the things that I've heard so many times, it's almost a trope from friends who have been divorced is that they start the clock from the moment their divorce is final to the first one of their friends to say, "I'd like to introduce you to someone." Do you have any guidance for those who are being dangled, the networking relationship, the somebody knows somebody who's divorced, "You'd be perfect together. You need to go on a date,"?
Seth:
It's when you're ready, but let your friends know. And I am one of more of a casual meeting. It's one thing to, I think the shorter the timeframe, if it's one-on-one the better. What I mean by that is meet for coffee, meet for a drink, make sure, "Yeah, I'll meet you at six, but I've got plans at 7:30, right? You got to have your escape plan, right?
Pete:
Lock it up. I got a plan C, got plan D.
Seth:
But like I said, COVID is opening up. If people are having a Super Bowl party and they invite you over and the guy's going to be there or the girl's going to be there, then that's more of a casual thing. If it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Don't go in for long dinners.
Pete:
Yeah. Dinners are bad, is that what you're saying? Dinners are bad.
Seth:
Yeah. It's just a long time. It's not, there's no connection.
Pete:
All right. Start easy. The perils that I've heard of this, a friend of a friend dating, is that while you think it's going to be great, because you're already in social group and it's going to be great. They probably like the same things that you like about your friend. The challenges that come when it doesn't work out far outweigh the benefits of the easy hookup. And that is a thing that you might want to be at least aware of. If you meet somebody who's a dear friend or coworker of your friend, and it doesn't work out, then you're in similar straits that you were when you divorced picking friends.
Seth:
And we don't want to be back where we were.
Pete:
We certainly don't want to do that. Fish in new oceans is what we're saying.
Seth:
Yeah, exactly. Let's talk a little bit about, you actually meet somebody and you like them and they like you and you have kids and they have kids. Here comes the whole modern family, right? So here are a few pointers on introducing a new person into your children's lives, okay?
Pete:
We asked this question last week to Ben and Nikki are happy divorce. And I don't know. My whole question was, how long do you wait? What do you have to be scared of?
Seth:
I think you wait until this is someone that you want to pursue a real relationship with a long-term relationship. If it's someone casual, keep them away from your kids. It's just not healthy to have people coming in and out, in and out, in and out, okay? Now you got to look at the age of the kids too.
Pete:
There is something, because I have no experience with this, obviously. What are we scared of, of your kids and let's say of a certain age, knowing that you are dating?
Seth:
Well, let's take it in age groups. Let's say 10 and under. Five to 10, right? If they're younger than five, it's just going to be mommy's friend or daddy's friend. But my point on that is if you only have your kid every other weekend or half the time, why are you spending time with the third-party, focus on your kid, especially when you're first going through this transition of being a single parent. And that's where your focus should be. You have every other weekend off. Go on dates on those times, okay? Then once your kids kind of know that, hey, this is someone different than just a friend, right? I think the same issue is there. If you're within the first year of your divorce, I really think it's important for you and your kids to get used to your new normal and focus on them and not bring people around. You're going to just save yourselves a lot of headaches with your former spouse, that you're bringing someone around to early.
Seth:
Teenage kids or preteen, you're just asking for trouble from your kids. Why are you bringing this person around? "I don't like the way she talks to me. She's acting like my mom. You're not my dad. You can't tell me what to do." You are just asking for problems. So, I think the longer you wait, the better. There's never a harm in waiting longer. There's lots of potential harm in too soon.
Pete:
Because I guess, you have to remember that you're out there choosing a potential new partner. Your kid doesn't always have the explicit choice of their new potential step-parent, other parent, right?
Seth:
Or just other person in their life even if you're not getting married. That person's going to have an influence on them and it's going to impact the relationship that you have with your kids. So, I think waiting longer is better. And I think letting your former spouse know before you introduce them is important. As simple as, "Hey, I would like you to know that I've been dating someone for three or four months now or whatever. And I would like to introduce them to our child and so if you hear this name come up, that's what it is." That's just being polite, okay? And not having the guessing. And I'm not saying you give every detail, okay? It's just a matter of letting them know that there is a new person that will be involved in your child's life. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Seth:
You can't have too many people that love your kid, but if you've waited long enough and it's a serious relationship, then you should be doing that own self-analysis in screening of these people to protect them from your kids or protect your kids from them, whichever way you want to look at that.
Pete:
Well, let's say you get over the hump and you've now have introduced this new person to your kids and your kids don't like them.
Seth:
Well, let's start first Pete with how do you introduce them.
Pete:
Yeah, with cake?
Seth:
Right. A kid activity. So you're on the right track, okay? And not the school play for the first time necessarily. But if your kids like to go bowling, then "Hey, can I invite this person to join us for bowling?" Because there's activity. It's something to do. It's a defined set of time and then you're gone. You don't arrive together they show up. You have your own cars. There's all these little things you can do, right? Or you do an activity that's an hour or two, or you meet for ice cream a little bit. I don't like the meal thing, because you're forced to kind of talk to each other. I like having an activity that you can talk about the activity and not about each other. I think that's good for kids. So think about what your kids like to do and ask them. If they're not ready, you're just asking for trouble. You're just asking for trouble.
Seth:
But then to your point, now, the next question is, okay, they've met, what do you do if they don't like them? I think you inquire, what is it about this person that you don't like? Most reactions that people have are about them not about the other person, right? "I don't like the way he talks to me. It sounds like he's trying to be my dad." Well then, and I have been a step-parent of my girlfriend, I lived together. She had two kids, I had a kid, it was this blended family. We would go from three boys in the house to none overnight, depending on the night. You're there as support. You're never taking the lead role, right? And it's always about the kid. And sometimes you ask, "Hey, would you like help with this situation? I've got some suggestions for you if you want to hear them, but if not, that's good." That's different than telling a kid what to do, right?
Pete:
Yeah. I'm going to tell you what I would do based on the value of my experience as somebody who's been through it.
Seth:
Simple. I like it.
Pete:
Do it or don't? We've been doing a great job, I think of talking about apps and dating. Forgive me counselor, if I try to pivot it back to the law. Are there any considerations that we have to make when you start dating related to former spouse kids? Is there a chance that your former spouse is just going to get really upset and call her lawyer that you've started dating too soon? Do we have to worry about any of that stuff?
Seth:
Yes.
Pete:
For once, I wanted a clean no.
Seth:
Well, one, if you're receiving alimony, check your local jurisdiction, and now you're talking about dating, moving in with somebody, okay? You might be in a supportive relationship as it's called in Florida family law and that might impact whether you're entitled to still receive the same amount of alimony, okay? So yes, you have to think about that. A word to the wise. Sometimes the person dating your former spouse could be your best friend though you never even know it. And I'm not saying was your best friend. He never knew this person before they're dating your former spouse, they might be keeping your former spouse in check. They might be the one saying, "You're really going to send that text," or, "You sent that text. Don't you get that I am divorced too and that's something my ex-husband might've sent me or that's something my ex-wife might've sent me." So, you don't know whether that person is helpful or harmful.
Seth:
I also advise people to just keep this in mind. You don't get to pick the person your former spouse dates, but it can always be worse. So there might be some characteristics you don't like about that person, but maybe at least it's not the 20-year-old stripper.
Pete:
Oh dear.
Seth:
So, all you're looking for is someone that is nice to your kids and doesn't overstep their bounds and that it's not horrifying for your kids to go over. The bar's pretty low, okay? So I would keep that in mind. But new people coming in can be the problem. They can stir the pot. They can have their own insecurities. They can have their own jealousies. They can have all sorts of negative influences. And hopefully your former spouse will stand up to beat that and say, "No, I'm not interested in this, my kids do come first. You're not going to try to gin things up between me and my former spouse." So you really have to work on that and think about that.
Pete:
Well, speaking of ginning things up, I'm a sex positive guy, but let me just say, in terms of the calculation of the new modern post-divorce family, what if it is the 20-year-old stripper that they've decided is going to be their new paramour? How do you talk to your kids, both as the one who's not with the stripper and frankly, how do you talk to your kids about your new step-mom?
Seth:
You keep things broad. And what I mean by that is, "Is she nice to you? Can you still talk to your dad?" Daddy's allowed to choose who he wants to be with, but it's always about the kid and what they're feeling and what they're going through, it's not about you and how you're like, "Really? Are we in a sitcom here? Are we in a movie? What's going on?" And that's true for any of it, whether it's a 20-year-old stripper or somebody else, it's about the kids and how they feel. And when, at what point do you start going on trips together? What, and this happens a lot and this is a kind of a legal question, though it's more of a practical question. Two people are divorced, they each have parenting plans that are every other weekend, they start dating and their weekends don't line up.
Pete:
Oh yeah, because of just complications of their relationship?
Seth:
No, let me say it better. I'm dating a nice woman and she has kids and she has her children every other weekend. Let's call it odd weekends. I have child and I have my kid on even weekends. We never have a weekend where we don't have children.
Pete:
Where your kids are together, right? Okay.
Seth:
Right. So we're really looking for the every other weekend off so we can spend some quality time together without kids. But by doing that, then the weekends that we have our children, we're either spending with our time with our kids separately, or maybe we bring them together and go to Chuck E. Cheese, right? So, how do you set that up? You've got to work with your former spouse. "Can I trade weekends?" Then the holidays come and the weekends, get all messed up again. And so now, you've got to trade again. So this is a reason to be a little flexible in that parenting plan, because you never know when you're going to want to change. That has nothing really to do with the kids. Kids are good. Your kids are good every other weekend, "What's the problem dad? What's the problem mom?" So a little flexibility.
Pete:
To be fair. I'm not divorced and I have my kids every weekend. My kingdom for shaking up our weekend schedule.
Seth:
For a weekend off. I can get you that, just get divorced brother. But these are things-
Pete:
All the time.
Seth:
Right, these are things just to consider and to think about and really focus on the kids and focus on making sure that they're being supportive and they have an outlet to talk to you about the positives, the goods, the bads, the frustrations, and like last week, check your ego. It's okay, if your kid is carving a pumpkin with someone other than you, they're having a good time.
Pete:
Let them enjoy life a little bit.
Seth:
Exactly.
Pete:
Okay. This is good. A lawyer's guide to dating apps.
Seth:
A divorce lawyer's guide to dating apps.
Pete:
A divorce lawyer's guide to dating apps. I think we have it. Thanks buddy. This was great. I'll put links to all these things in the show notes. If you want to check them out, we'll be back next week with maybe scarier stories of divorce.
Seth:
Yeah, why not?
Pete:
That's probably not a good way to sell it, but it'll be there. Thank you everybody for hanging out with us, for tuning in. We appreciate your time and your attention. We'll see you next week right here on How to Split a Toaster: A divorce podcast about saving your relationships.
Speaker 3:
Seth Nelson is an attorney with Nelson Koster Family Law and Mediation with offices in Tampa, Florida. While we may be discussing family law topics, How to Split a Toaster is not intended to nor is it providing legal advice. Every situation is different. If you have specific questions regarding your situation, please seek your own legal counsel with an attorney licensed to practice law in your jurisdiction. Pete Wright is not an attorney or employee of Nelson Koster. Seth Nelson is licensed to practice law in Florida.
This transcript was exported on Jun 02, 2021 - view latest version here.
toaster_303 (Completed 06/02/21)
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