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Lisa and James Duvall introduce the origin of Art of Spousing. They share the difference between having a marriage practice and practising the skills that will build a strong and healthy marriage. This episode unpacks three practises that are vital for any marriage to be healthy and strong.
Art of Spousing is for marriages that what to move from being mundane to becoming masterpiece relationships. Hosts James and Lisa Duvall share truths and lessons learned from their 30 years of marriage and over a decade of teaching, coaching, and speaking on marriage.
Practising the Art of Spousing (80% accurate Transciption)
Lisa: Hey, we'd love to invite you to be a part of a future Art of Spousing podcast episode. Capture a selfie-style video of you and your spouse and include the following information about your marriage. Introduce yourselves, tell us where you're from, how many years you've been married, and that you love practicing the art of spousing. Then send the video via Instagram direct message to @artofspousing.
James: Yeah, it can sound something like this.
James: Welcome to this first episode of the Art of Spousing podcast. We're super grateful that you're taking time to give us a listen.
We are pumped that our first episode of this new project is launched and we want to thank Marnus and Leandre for kicking off our first episode. We love you guys, and we’re so excited for you and your family as you're gearing up to launch inspire church in Cordileone, Idaho.
Lisa: You are all amazing people. Thank you for inviting us on a journey with you. And we can't wait to be there with you guys for the church launch in September.
Some of you may have listened to us on the live lead last podcast. We've taken a break from that show to invest in this new endeavor. And we're pretty excited… but the live lead last podcast will last, it will return, but it will be in a new format.
James: So, a little about us. We've been married for 29 years. We have three kids and we're both pastors at a large multi-site church and we live in sunny, south Florida.
Lisa: Don't hate us. Haters gonna hate though. I feel like we should give a little bit more about our kids other than just saying we have three kids. So Alex, our firstborn, I call her number one. Because she's the first born.
Not because she's number one. She's 26 years old crushing life in the Big Apple. Parker our number two child is my man cub. He's 23 years old, he launched out this past year on his own. So proud of him fully bought his first home all by himself. No support from parents. no sir!
James: Right. And our youngest Addie is what we call our hurricane surprise prize because back in 2004, we had four hurricanes that came through south Florida. So what we like to say is four hurricanes, 15 days without electricity and nine months.
Lisa: wallah
James: We had Addie
Lisa: That's right. She keeps us young and fresh.
Disclaimers…We are not marriage counselors or therapists. But we do believe we have learned some valuable lessons about marriage and relationships by working on our relationship over the years. And that’s why we are launching The Art of Spousing.
James: So what's the art of spousing? We're really glad you asked. Let's go back to when the idea started.
Lisa: Okay. Since our kids became more independent we began getting away each year on what we call a “Just the Two of Us” trip. This trip is not for us to crank through a bunch of activities or site seeing, although we may swim with some whale sharks time to time, but it really has become about slowing down long enough to enjoy each other, relax, read and dream together.
In 2017, on our “just the two of us” trip we were processing marriages we encountered while serving in the marriage space, other inspiring marriages we are surrounded by and our own marriage and the idea came in our conversation about The Art of Spousing…originally started as a book idea. On that trip we began mapping out all kinds of ideas around concepts we have learned by living out our married life and serving other married couples to help them invest in a strong relationship.
James: Yeah. Spousing is not a word that you hear used. But, we did not make it up… “It is the actions of carrying out the expected functions of a spouse.”
And what we have learned, after working with so many married couples and being married for 29 years ourselves, is that marriage is as much art as it is science.
Lisa: Yeah. And every art form has a set of practices or, techniques, but the execution or results of the techniques is going to be expressed differently by the individual artists. So for example, our daughter, Alex, is an amazing photographer. She knows all the techniques of taking amazing pictures, our friend, Stephanie, who's also an amazing photographer who did our photography for this She also knows all those techniques how to take amazing
James: And making us look so much better than we actually are.
Lisa: Thank you, Stephanie. Thank you so much yet. But here's the thing. When you look at Alex's photos and you look at Stephanie's photos, you’re going to see two totally different perspectives and approaches to their art, both but both different. And it's the same with marriage. There's some universal principles or techniques that if we follow will produce a healthy marriage, but it's in the execution of those principles by the artist, the husband and the wife, that make the marriage a unique piece of art.
James: We teach couples who are preparing to get married that they each bring a backstory into the marriage and the two stories become the foundation to writing a new chapter or new story together.
In a very similar way, we believe that each individual brings a unique palette of personality and past experiences and environments into the relationship. Marriage provides the opportunity to combine the two pallets into an expansive collection of colors that can be used to create a beautiful picture and expression of health and vitality!
Lisa: I love it. You know, James, I remember when we were teaching this idea of these two backstories coming together, you went into our unique personalities and our past merging blending. You mentioned how my story became yours, and your story became mine; the colors got mixed. My hurt Wasn't just my hurt. It became our hurt. Your entrepreneurial spirit was not just your thing. It became our thing and the list goes on how they began to blend together. And so many aspects of our past and our personalities and our dreams, all those things. So that didn't just happen. There was a lot of work involved intentionality in our language time, invested in learning one another and a lot of other things, but just like photography or any other art form, you don't just pick up a paint brush and paint a masterpiece, or purchase a camera and take incredible pictures for the very first time, it takes practice even, taking as simple as a selfie takes practice, we can't even get it right. Our son's girlfriend, Amanda has shown me literally 1000 times how to hold the phone in a way that your fingers don't block the lens and that you don't get a cramp in your hand, when you're trying to press the. click button, see it's not even a button. I don't even…
James: That's right. I actually can never remember where the look, so I always end up looking in the wrong direction. So for every one selfie that we actually post, you can bet that there were probably at least 15 or 20 attempts, but you bring up a good point that the importance of practice. When we started dreaming about our, the spousing, I was actually doing some research on the google just to drive our kids crazy. Right. around best marriage practices. And I found something that I actually didn't know. there are actually two ways to spell the word practice in British English and they both have separate meetings. So the first way to spell it is P R a C T I S E, which is actually a verb. And it means to do something repeatedly in order to master it or to pursue as an occupation or. And I love that idea that you're pursuing something you're practicing it. So a musician can practice or instrument or a videographer would practice in order to master his or her craft. Now practice P R a C T I C E in British English. Is that. And it means a habit or custom. So we Americans, we tend to simplify everything and we're clever or maybe just Lacy. Right. Um, we decided to use just one word for practice the ice form as both a verb and the noun.
Lisa: See, we just all got a little English lesson. I'd love it. so interesting. So there are a lot of couples who have a marriage practice the noun, but are not practicing the action, They're not practicing their marriage. or as we like to say. practicing the art of
James: That's it. And so that's what this is all about. And it's true. I mean, we know a lot of couples who maybe feel stuck or like, they feel like they're in a, you've heard language, like a dead end marriage or whatever. And the reality is they have the institution of marriage, but they don't have the joy. Making that marriage better day after day after day. So hopefully we're going to give some practices to let you know. So, let's take a few minutes and talk about some of those practices that we found they're essential in our relationship. But before we do that, it's important to know that as Christ followers, we put Jesus in the very center of our relationship and these practices include our commitment to him. So everything we do, we want god to be in the center so really the first practice that we have committed to is putting god first, even before one another. Right.
Lisa: Right? I know that I am second priority to you, James, in your life. And you know, You are second. priority To me in my life. The one thing I cannot do for you. And the one thing you can not do for me is to one another hole. The Bible says in Colossians two 10, that we are completed or made whole in Jesus Christ. The healthiest marriages are made up of two people who have been made whole or complete in christ, So each of us daily practices loving God first and together. We love God through worshiping, serving together, praying together, having spiritual conversations together. Personally, I know my relationship with God It's been foundational in my understanding who I am, my identity, which makes. me Stronger as an individual. that we're coming together stronger. That's one way it's impacted me personally. So we have found that this is foundational, but I think we should impact three practices that have made our marriage. healthy and strong.
James: Yeah, that's great. And before we do that, I think it, isn't important to know that anytime you get the priority out of, line that you begin prioritizing. Your relationship as husband and wife or priorities of your family above God is always going to be a disconnect because God always needs to be first place. So, you'll hear us talk more about that throughout the time are the spousing, but here are three practices. We could talk about a lot of practices today, but I think if we unpack three things and give some ideas of how. You can live that. I think it'd be good. So, we'll, start with the first practice is practicing honor, and this is so huge.
For marriages. by honor, what we need is holding each other in the highest esteem or value. And so many marriages are torn down because, one or both spouses don't actually hold each other in the highest esteem and the Bible, and actually Romans chapter 12, verse 10 possible. Outdo one another in showing honor. we actually talk about when we're talking with new marriages is like competing with how you, outdo each one honor. So, lisa, some ways that I do this and I honor you. when you walk in a room, especially if I'm in a room with lot of people and you walk in after me, I always try to acknowledge you immediately. So I'm going to honor you by standing up and making sure that you're not walking in a room feeling isolated, but I'm going to go to you. I'm going to make sure that, that you feel honored and, that that's just a way to esteem and value you and let you know that. I have everybody in this room whatever's going on. You're the most important person to me. And I'm going to esteem you and show honor.
Lisa: you know, in a way you could grow in that. James. is at home, even when I walk in their living rooms.
James: up
Lisa: if you just want to, if you want to grow in that area, just Just
James: okay. I'll make that my smart goal this week. So another way that I honor you is I never talk bad about. To anyone. actually if I do anything, it's probably more, positive gossip. You know, the idea of talking about how good you're doing at something or championing you, or, you know, telling me stories about a success you have and so forth. So, I always try to honor you when you walk in the room and i, I never, never talked bad about you to anyone
Lisa: I appreciate that and I actually. I have. had one. Identify And see that you do those things. Especially when I do walk in a room with a group of people that they have noticed that, and you're actually modeling. that is beautiful. there is actually an art to processing married life with others, women, sharing with girlfriends, men, to men, uh, processing challenges.
And I think that should be an episode, because there's a. to processing it, that you're actually not talking bad, but, we both know there will be no bad talking about each other in any environment. Even if I was processing with a girlfriend about challenges around marriage, you know, that I would be, honoring. And the same for me. you know, one of the ways I practice honoring you is by not highlighting the shadow sides of your personality yeah. or exposing a weakness of yours, to others. Since we worked together in many of our relationships cross over. there are opportunities for this to happen. that we, We manage that tension. We practice honoring in, in this, but again, there is an art to protecting and filling in the gaps. for your spouse's blind spots. So another practice is the practice of presence being present. we have lots of different ways. We do this. I love morning. minutes. So each morning, we have a routine you get up and read about 10,000 pages of
a book, Yeah. but, And then we have our personal quiet time. and then I'll say something like, where's my minutes. I want my minutes. And you're like, I'm going to give you your minutes, Lisa. But the truth is that as a time that we are present with each other, the phone is set aside. Sometimes an extended amount of time. Sometimes It's only 10 minutes, but it's an opportunity for. us to be present with one another. there, we also obviously have date nights or coffee times, and of course the, most famous time that we love is just the two of us trips where we're getting really extended minutes together, but practicing that it is actually intentionality and, giving focus.
James: right. And there's, there's, that minutes in the morning, is really vital to our relationship because it's a time before we get into the business of the day that we can actually be face to face. A lot of times we're just kind of catching up on, you know, what we have going on that day. I think we are getting older because we're asking, you know, how'd you sleep last night? It's like, oh, I slept good. I think that's just part of their getting older. I don't know if
Lisa: don't know. Let's not talk about
James: that's exactly right, but even just recently, it's, easy to come home after busy days and and just kind of vent. In front of Netflix or the TV and the reality is that, you know, you can be in the same room, but not present with each other. So I know the other night you actually challenged, like, Hey, let's try on the tV and let's go play a game. And so we played some bananagrams, which,
Lisa: You always win, but
James: it was really close.
Lisa: that's correct. And I even told you, I'm like, I know you're going to win, but I think it's valuable that we both play bananagrams.
James: but that time together being. disconnected from media disconnected from our phones, is a powerful practice. So, I would encourage every couple of them really put that practice of presence in the place. And another practice is, the practice of humor. I know you do. I actually read this. I'm paraphrase of Henry Ward. Beecher recently says a marriage without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the room. Now I've never rode in the wagon, but you can imagine the frontier, no roads just being tossed around and you know, life is difficult. And without. The laughter or a sense of humor. It, makes it even more difficult. laughter is actually a really important part of our marriage and it should be a regular practice in any marriage. And I think it brings health. Proverbs 1727 says a happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing. I think a few things that we do the practice humorous. we always try to look for the funny around us.
Lisa: it's all around us. all the time.
James: That's right. That's right. Whether that's somebody acting crazy in the grocery store or, somebody, yeah. Somebody dancing the singing in the car in front of us, we're constantly looking at something that we can laugh at. The second thing is to learn what makes your husband or wife laugh? Cause each of us have a unique sense of humor and lisa, those who know us know that your, sense of humor is maybe a little bit warped.
Lisa: Yes. my friends liked to call me the queen of shenanigans. So I actually find great humor in doing things to people that they're uncomfortable with so that I can laugh at them. So I know that actually isn't really funny to other people, sometimes. so I have to be careful, but yes, I do. I like to create moments that are funny so we can all laugh. I think another way to practice humor in your marriage is don't take yourself so seriously. It's just everybody relax. And, I love the idea that you can learn to laugh at. yourself. there are going to be times that you're going to do things and say things that are dumb or out of line, or just crazy. And it's just fun to laugh at those just this I said something that just, didn't make sense, or at least it didn't according to you, it didn't make sense. And I'm still gonna Okay. But I'm still going to fight for it. So I said, I think I love you James, more than you love me. And you said, how do you figure that? And I said, because you put up with so much. from me, and then you said to what
James: Yeah, that? sounds like if I'm putting up more from you than your play up for me, that I actually, you just proved the point that I love you more
Lisa: Yes, and I do see your point but I would like to build on that and say, but it, since I know you do this for me, I love you so much. And that's why I think I love you.
James: Yeah.
Lisa: Yeah. And I said, I'm going to stick with anyway.
James: about that all day.
Lisa: Well, yeah, we laughed about it all day and then now we're, what I love Ted Cunningham talks about is we actually, go back to that reference
James: back
Lisa: call back. And so that will probably be a part of our marriage. language, a call back I was like, you know, I love you then you left me
James: put up with more than easy.
Lisa: Yes. And I would say, oh, I just, I love you more that you actually do it so, well,
James: yeah, I hear ya. I hear ya.
Lisa: How to put up with me better than I put up with you. If you want to grow the humor in your relationship, I mentioned it. It's a great book. You need to get it's fun, loving you. by our friend, Ted Cunningham. I'd encourage you to pick that up and read it together as a couple it'll really help you practice lightening up, not taking yourself so seriously and creating ways to, have fun in your relationship.
James: Yep. Okay. So there you go. Those are three practices that would do the health in your marriage. I mean, we could talk about more, but I think if you begin to practice honoring one another, esteeming one another. If you practice presence, finding times every day that it's just the two of you together and, practicing humor, finding those little things that you can laugh about, laugh with each other. I think those things are going to really build health in your marriage. So the challenge for you is to take a small action this week and putting one of those practices. And the play in your relationship. So maybe it's starting to spread positive gossip about your spouse when he or she is not around to practice honoring each other or maybe it's turning off the tV and playing a game together to practice presence
Lisa: or maybe it's telling a really bad dad joke every day.
Yes. And I should laugh at it more. I'm going to be better at laughing at your bad debt.
James: But yeah, hopefully the kids do, but you can laugh the, encourage them. That would be good.
Lisa: Or playing a prank, to practice humor. And I,
James: the ideas that people could
Lisa: well, One of my very favorite things is, is just when you're just trying to get a shower is to throw a cold cup of water on on you while you're in there. And then you usually say something like confound at lisa. And so then I laugh and you're laughing now. but you, you normally don't laugh when I do things like that.
James: I think I've found that some of my dad said, so I think
Lisa: Yeah, well, you know, You can buy a lot of things that, can play jokes on people like fake cockroaches. Those are always a go-to for me. There's lots of things like that rats, things like that you can purchase. I always save those for work and put them in the ladies restroom. So
James: yeah.
Lisa: great. Yeah, it is crazy. So we would love to hear about your next step, whatever challenge you take, those of you listening. We'd love to hear that shoot us a message on Instagram or Facebook at artists spousing. We would love to share some of your stories on future episodes, whatever it is, take a small step and building practices that will build health into your marriage.
James: Yeah. So that's it for this episode. Thanks for listening. You can connect with us on Instagram and Facebook at our, the spousing and with the launch of the show, we would be really thankful if you would help us get the word out.
Lisa: You could let Your friends know about the show by sharing it with them. And we'd love for you to rate and review the post.
James: So have a great week and we will see you next time on the artist spousing podcast until then.
Bye-bye
Lisa: but you could practice that at home. Like even when I just walk into
James: me to stand up every time that oh, here she comes.
Lisa: or
James: Every time you come in the room, there she is
Lisa: there she is though, just
James: that my practice, my smart goal this week.