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The Moonshots Podcast goes behind the scenes of the world's greatest superstars, thinkers and entrepreneurs to discover the secrets to their success. We deconstruct their success from mindset to daily habits so that we can apply it to our lives. Join us as we 'learn out loud' from Elon Musk, Brene Brown to emerging talents like David Goggins.
00:00:05:00 - 00:00:35:15
Unknown
Hello and welcome to the Moon Shots Master series. It's episode 26. I'm your co-host, my passenger. And as always, I'm joined by Mr. Matheson. Freeman. Good morning, Mike. Hey, good morning, Mike. Good morning, listeners, as well as Good morning viewers. Thank you so much for joining us on this brand new episode within the Moonshots Master series. And boy, Mike, we have a pretty key importance as well as perhaps surprising episode for our listeners and viewers today.
00:00:35:17 - 00:00:58:07
Unknown
Yeah, it's like a big master step and it's one of those things that we like to go and investigate things that seem so important when we think about how do we reach our best, how do we work well with others? How do we thrive both at home and at work? But it's one of those topics nobody ever teaches you, Mike.
00:00:58:09 - 00:01:25:24
Unknown
Guess that's it. Exactly. As we were digging into this show, Mike, you're right. There are a lot of techniques, ways of thinking around this particular topic that for me, my I've never really given too much second thought, I suppose. So listeners, viewers, master series members. Today we're diving in on episode 26 into good relationships. Like you say, Mike, this is something that we don't really get taught at school.
00:01:26:04 - 00:01:56:18
Unknown
We probably pick up at least maybe a few bad habits along the way. So this is our chance to maybe reset or recalibrate how we look at good relationships, how we build good relationships, and maybe even continue nurturing any existing ones to absolutely. Because if you think about it, if somebody is good to work with or your friend is just great value to be with, you'll forgive them all their faults, right?
00:01:56:20 - 00:02:25:11
Unknown
Yeah, You really will. You really will. Because there's a bond, there's connection, there's trust. So it's such an important catalyst. Think about in work teams. If people are good at collaborate writing, good at relationships, you'll you'll dig in there and help them out a ton. And just like your friends, those that are good friends that you have good relationships with and partners as well.
00:02:25:13 - 00:02:50:17
Unknown
So for me, what's in front of us for the next 45 minutes, mark, is that we're going to dig into both the personal and professional side of this, but also the intrinsic nature of having good relationships and the extrinsic meaning that there's work you've got to do on your self before you can have good relations. And there's obviously work you can do in how do you engage others.
00:02:50:23 - 00:03:22:07
Unknown
So that's the extrinsic. So there's so much ahead for us. And Mark, I just want to tell you, so much of my satisfaction with a cold with people that I'm working with comes down to us listening, understand each other, working together and people catching, supporting us and helping us. This is what good relationships are all about. And, you know, the thing is, I never was given a textbook on this.
00:03:22:09 - 00:03:52:09
Unknown
I was never taught anything about this. So let's put it up there right up front. Let's discover what good relationships are all about. And I think you might have in your hands a moon shot heavyweight, an all time classic to get us in the zone. Yeah, to get us warmed up. To get us really appreciating how important relationships is for all of us is none other than Dale Carnegie.
00:03:52:13 - 00:04:03:10
Unknown
How to win Friends and Influence People broken down by a YouTube favorite of ours productivity game. He's going to kick us off, Mike, by helping us become genuinely interested in others.
00:04:03:10 - 00:04:12:11
Unknown
Now there are a lot of different principles in this book for winning friends and influencing people, but they all center around two fundamental behaviors.
00:04:12:13 - 00:04:37:17
Unknown
Let me tell you what these two fundamental behaviors are. With a few stories. In the 1800s, it was a poor Dutch immigrant boy named Edward Bork. Bork didn't have more than six years of schooling in his life, yet he made himself into one of the most successful magazine editors of all time. How did he do it? Well, at the age of 13, he saved up his money to buy an encyclopedia of American biographies.
00:04:37:19 - 00:05:03:09
Unknown
Then he did something that most of us wouldn't ever think to do. He read the lives of these famous people, and then he wrote them letters to ask them more about their lives. He wrote General Grant asking about a certain battle. And Grant drew a map for him and invited this then 14 year old boy to dinner. Soon, the boy was corresponding with many of the most famous people in the nation, like Ralph Waldo Emerson, Miss Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis.
00:05:03:11 - 00:05:25:13
Unknown
Each influential person he met introduced him to the next influential person, and soon he had all the access he would need to run a successful magazine. His mere interest in others won the friendship of some of the most important people in the nation. The first fundamental behavior to win more friends and influence people is to be genuinely interested in other people.
00:05:25:15 - 00:05:47:11
Unknown
Author Dale Carnegie says you can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you to spark a genuine interest in others. Make it your mission to find out how someone spends their time and what subjects excite them, then make their subjects of interest.
00:05:47:15 - 00:06:28:22
Unknown
Your temporary passion. Be fascinated about what fascinates them. Mark I've got to say, like if you investigate question and are genuinely interested in others, you're never going to be disappointed. Right. Do you think about it? Every everybody that you get into a good conversation with invariably has some great tales, interesting experiences, both good or bad. It doesn't matter like there is something wildly fascinating that's happened and transpired in everybody's life.
00:06:28:24 - 00:06:53:05
Unknown
And if you remember this, like the way I think about it, Mark, is like, I truly believe that there's like goodness in everyone. And I think there are good stories in everyone, too. I think it's just your job to go find them. Right. And I think won't fall into the trap of saying or thinking or assuming that someone doesn't have a good story to tell.
00:06:53:07 - 00:07:12:15
Unknown
Maybe they are not quick to tell it. Like guys like you. And I'm we're pretty chatty, right? A little bit. I love that. So we like a good chat, right? But maybe the quieter types just to stay quiet. It doesn't mean they have good stories. And so this is sort of a technique that I use to really play.
00:07:12:15 - 00:07:44:24
Unknown
On what we're learning there from Dale Carnegie's work, which is you're like Sherlock Holmes. Go and find that good story that everybody has and ask how and ask why not just what? Yeah, but really, how did that work and why did that work? And I think conversations will open up. Like for me, that is a great way to think about any new conversation you're having with a new person is like, Hey, I want to find that good story.
00:07:45:01 - 00:08:07:03
Unknown
Yeah, I think you're totally right. And this reminds me, Mike, a lot of what we were learning from Michael Boom Guy Stanier as well as others on the show with regards to active listening, this idea of breaking down and creating, removing blockers and therefore creating better relationships at work and practices is about understanding where another person's coming from.
00:08:07:09 - 00:08:32:18
Unknown
And I think that first step really comes down to listening to others. And there's been plenty of times for me when I'll have something a priority. Maybe it's an email bomb, some deadline that will then get in the way of me being able to give somebody that their full attention that I have to give them and what I'm doing in that instance is prioritizing the ability to listen to them.
00:08:32:24 - 00:09:05:04
Unknown
Because I've got something else in my mind. I'm focusing on the outcome, maybe more so than the actual conversation, so similar to what we're hearing from my guest. And yet this advice Monster kicks in, and I want to give my point of view straight away. But what I'm doing right then and there is not only in the spirit of good relationships causing a bit of a bridge between us and separating us, but instead, what I'm actually also doing is not giving myself the chance to learn from them, because you're totally right.
00:09:05:06 - 00:09:25:06
Unknown
Everybody has everybody in a different meeting. Everybody in the Zoom Call is an opportunity for me to learn something. Hey, somebody else totally learned from Tony. And I think about it like this. I want to make the case for that. So really asking people, what have they done? How did they do it and why did they do it?
00:09:25:08 - 00:09:51:16
Unknown
Finding that good story means that you can learn from them. And for example, what's the thing that we do when we're really listening is when we ask for people's advice, Hey, I'm going to buy a home for the first time. What should I watch out for? Wow, here's a whole laundry list of things right? So. So imagine if you just had that same level of interest with everyone.
00:09:51:18 - 00:10:11:20
Unknown
Like, tell me about yourself. What's something unusual? What's something surprising was something that I wouldn't guess that you've done. And what was the most adventurous, spontaneous thing you've ever done and how did that go and why did it happen? Because I think it's like an advantage. This is why I love to read so much. That's why I think you and I love this show.
00:10:11:22 - 00:10:38:06
Unknown
We're trying to learn from others and learn the lessons of others. And there's no reason why we should make mistakes that have already happened in life. Yes, sure, we've got to find our path. But if someone says to, Oh, I did this amazing thing and you find out that it brought them all this opportunity, that's something that you might call upon in that moment or in the future.
00:10:38:08 - 00:11:04:01
Unknown
Likewise, if someone made a huge mistake and let's go back to the to the buying a house analogy someone shares with you are we had a nightmare when we bought our first house. Well, the first thing I would be like was, well, what happened and how did that work? Because what you're actually doing is saying note to self, I'm not going to make that same.
00:11:04:03 - 00:11:32:19
Unknown
Well, it's true, isn't it? When we are in our professional lives looking for mentors, when we're lucky enough to find them, invariably those individuals will have more experience than us. And that's why we gravitate because it's a similar experience that we can learn from. And I think to build on your point there, if we are not only surrounding ourselves in those type of people, we're reading about it, we're listening to podcasts to help us actively learn.
00:11:32:21 - 00:12:00:06
Unknown
I think that's demonstrating to us how we can create those new, let's call them synapses, let's call them reactions so that when difficult things happen, you know, maybe it's a really unpleasant situation. Maybe you need to figure out how to ask for help. Maybe it's something that you've never done before. You're going to be a little bit more prepared and that is going to feel a little bit less scary because maybe you've read about it.
00:12:00:11 - 00:12:24:18
Unknown
Maybe you know somebody who's already done it. That idea of shared experience helping feel much more confident in me when I'm in a team and I'm able to share a particular point of view or experience and that is accepted, celebrated, or at least recognized, right? It helps me come back to the table more and more regularly in the future as well.
00:12:24:20 - 00:12:46:08
Unknown
I think creating those honest opportunities so that those people who have a lot of experience can then share what worked, what didn't, and then those less experience can sit there and say, Oh yeah, actually this is how I could learn from it. Today. That's the richest environment to, to, to be in, isn't it? Because it's kind of like being in a flowerbed.
00:12:46:14 - 00:13:11:03
Unknown
Everything's growing because everybody's sharing knowledge and good vibes. So the, the only build I can do in that mark is like where a room is like trying to build a business argument like it exists, so why you should be interested in others. So we've said, Hey, listen, you know, invariably everyone's got a good story, so she got to find it too.
00:13:11:03 - 00:13:42:02
Unknown
You might find some learnings for opportunity or you might avoid some disasters by learning and where you were starting to go through. I think is the last bit of our pitch for being interested now that it's like let's make the case for it, which is this is really bottom line humanity kind of story. Surely, Surely we would all want others to have interest in our story, right?
00:13:42:04 - 00:14:01:06
Unknown
So you need to pay it forward and have interest in this because, you know, if you want people to be interested in you, like surely they like, you're not going to sit there and say, I'm not going to show any interest in you guys, but you guys are going to be infatuated with me. That ain't happening. So you got to pay it forward.
00:14:01:06 - 00:14:28:05
Unknown
You got to get out and be interested. And I've never been disappointed when I've gone looking to really understand someone. There's always a good story, even people that maybe I don't really gel with that well. There's always a good story inside of those people and you can take and learn from that as much or as little as you like, but you won't be disappointed, right?
00:14:28:07 - 00:14:49:11
Unknown
Yeah, I agree. We have a graphic for those watching at home or on the move behind us. And we'll put this in the show notes, too. I just want to call out one thing because I think that's a nice connection to the sentiment you're saying there. And I think that's about respect. When we're able to show respect for other people and in doing so, other people then respect us.
00:14:49:13 - 00:15:19:19
Unknown
That's when connections are made. Respect creates opportunities for us to share an experience point of view that then brings down that barrier. Maybe it's an individual who maybe seems a little bit off in a meeting. Maybe we've initially dismissed them because that a different personality trait to us by creating or enforcing and encouraging that respect, we then create a new connection and in doing so, open our minds to those new experiences.
00:15:19:24 - 00:15:41:11
Unknown
So much like David Goggins says, if we're not growing and you're stationary, that's it, you're dead. You're not moving anywhere. I think relationships is a very similar muscle that we could probably work on a little bit harder because at the end of the day, by fostering those good relationships, what are we doing? We're exposing ourselves to new opportunities.
00:15:41:11 - 00:16:04:24
Unknown
Yes, Those new stories that you're referencing. Yes, all of those times for us to listen up, learn from, absorb from, and then get better each day because of it. And talking about new lessons and stories and magic that happen on a regular basis. That is the Moonshot Master series. And I tell you what, we have some co-creators, coconspirators.
00:16:04:24 - 00:16:32:16
Unknown
We have participants who are part of the Moonshots family. Mac I think this is our official time where we bring out the trumpets and tip the hat to him. And it's it's crazy how much the moonshot. All the members receive these call outs every week. And I've got to admit, Mike, I've been pushing the trumpet this week just to get it ready for this occasion, because I think we've got a couple of new members joining us, too.
00:16:32:18 - 00:17:08:23
Unknown
So please welcome Paul. Bob, modeling, Ken, Dietmar, Marjan, Connor, Rodrigo and Liza said, Mr. Bond, you're Paul Coleman, Joe Christian, Samuel Barber and Andre Eric, Chris, Debra Lafave, Steve Craig, Daniel, Andrew, Ravi, Yvette and Karen, all of whom are our annual members. Thank you so much for your ongoing support as well as collaboration. But Hot on the Heels is round PJ, Nikola, Ola Ingram, Dirk and Emily Hari, Karthick Venkatesh, Marc Jete, Roger, Anna and Roar near Milan.
00:17:08:23 - 00:17:47:23
Unknown
Diana, Christophe, Denise, Laura, Smitty, Kareem, Bertrand, Daniella, Mike, Dan and Tonio and our brand new members. Vanessa, Zachary, Brian, Kathy and Austin. Thank you so much guys for joining us. But also thank you so much for our ongoing master members. It's great to have you with us. Thank you. Yeah, we are indeed grateful and we really appreciate your support helping us produce reams and reams of content to publish on YouTube and Spotify, Apple Podcasts on our website, in the newsletter, the Moonshots mega Media empire is expanding.
00:17:47:23 - 00:18:12:21
Unknown
Thanks to you, sir. We are indeed very, very, very grateful. Now, one thing, you know, a lot of the the direction we take things back is had to be your best professionally, right? A lot of what we talk about is, you know, success at work is often a team sport. And, you know, you need good relationships, good communication, building the trust and the respect as we just spoke about in that last clip.
00:18:12:23 - 00:18:44:06
Unknown
But what's really interesting is this is not exclusively a professional activity. Good relationships are everywhere. And what I like about what we've got next is we're really exploring not just the professional, but we're now moving into the personal side of relationships. So what have you got first in the in the clip armory? Let's jump straight into it. Like we're now going to hear a break down from Psych two goes breakdown of Gary Chapman's five Love languages.
00:18:44:08 - 00:19:11:03
Unknown
One word of affirmation or some actions don't always speak louder than words. If you score high for words of affirmation, you take conversations to heart. You may enjoy keeping in touch, often are having distraction through conversations, you find it meaningful to hear the reasons behind your partner's love in you appreciate open and honest communication. Also, negative words can have just as much of an impact on you as positive ones.
00:19:11:05 - 00:19:38:16
Unknown
Two acts of Service. If you value acts of service, you love to hear the words. Let me do that for you. Especially when a task is particularly stressful. Nothing feels better than when your partner helps take some weight off your shoulders. You are also likely to offer your company on errands or offer to help out around the house as a token of showing appreciation, laziness and broken commitment are major deal breakers for you three Receiving gifts.
00:19:38:18 - 00:19:59:15
Unknown
Do you love receiving gifts? More than anything else, this love language can be a bit deceiving. It isn't a gift, but the thought behind it that counts. Receiving the perfect gift makes you feel seen and heard as well as appreciated, especially if the gift is a surprise. You feel happy and secure because you know your partner is thinking of you when you're not around.
00:19:59:17 - 00:20:44:21
Unknown
According to Dr. Chapman's quiz results, it's a visual representation of love and are treasured greatly by those who value this love language or quality time. If you've got quality time as your primary love language, you want undivided attention from your partner, distraction free and one on one time is the key to making you feel special and appreciated. Quality time also includes conversations and shared activities like sharing a meal as long as your attention is on one another and five physical touch, do you value frequent non-sexual touch with your partner, whether it be through hand-holding, hugs, or a simple squeeze on the arm you touch can be comforting and supportive in many kinds of relationships.
00:20:44:23 - 00:21:18:20
Unknown
Physical touch can be a great way to express care or concern for you. It's all about knowing that they're there for you. If you speak this love language, long distance relationships may not be the So you know what what really stands out. The biggest story. I mean, we're not famous for our relationship advice. I got to say, but the theme is still very much the same, which is however you want to show your love for your partner and family.
00:21:18:22 - 00:21:47:03
Unknown
What is really important to remember is what you need as a human could be different to what your loved ones need. And it's just like being interested in others. It's just like empathy that we see is such a big theme of trust and respect is taking a moment to realize that what you say or do or how you act should vary according to the person.
00:21:47:05 - 00:22:16:04
Unknown
But, you know, here's what we're all so guilty of. Like we get too busy, we get too distracted and we forget. That may be how we want to express our affection towards a partner may be actually different to how they wish to receive it. That's exactly what I'm saying. You hit the nail on the head there, Mike. I think the reminder for me, when we're exploring something like relationships and obviously Gary Chapman's book is is getting more and more popular.
00:22:16:06 - 00:22:44:04
Unknown
It's a great demonstration and a reminder that when I'm and this is bringing it into a career perspective, an office location for for a moment, I think the five love languages can also teach us how to be more patient with others from a working capacity as well, as well as our spouses and partners. And the reason why I think that is when I'm at the receiving end of a message, whether it's an email or a video call, it's very easy.
00:22:44:04 - 00:23:21:01
Unknown
As we've discussed on the show before, to interpret that maybe in the wrong way. And I might receive a message as a flaming hot emergency fire. We've all got to get this on. You know, the business is going down. This is bad news when actually by taking a breath, taking a moment and remembering something like the five Love languages, as an example, I can bear in mind that actually just because this is the way that that individual has communicated a point to me does not necessarily mean that they meant it in the same way that I would have done if I had used the same perception.
00:23:21:03 - 00:23:48:03
Unknown
Perception, the exception. Right. So given that I've got I don't know any of the famous like television love stuff. This is Dr. Phil, like a love doctor. I'm not sure. But check this out. Check this out. I think if you had all of our listeners, members and viewers right now do a private survey between them and their partner.
00:23:48:05 - 00:24:20:17
Unknown
Okay. And actually, that survey said, which of these do you need? Words of affirmation, personal touch, etc., and which do you receive and what do you think your partner needs? I think there would be a disconnect. I agree. Yes. So, you know, the classic thing you see is when people have neglected their partner, they might resort to buying them a I like a slightly over the top gift, Right?
00:24:20:18 - 00:24:44:20
Unknown
Yeah. But that recipient might be I don't really care about the gift was just haven't spent any quality time together because that's what they need. So I think it would be very interesting for everybody that is watching and listening right now is to ask themselves how aligned are they with their partner on these fives that we have on screen?
00:24:44:22 - 00:25:10:02
Unknown
And to find the courage to talk about these things with their partner and to check in to see what their partner needs. And this might open up a whole new dimension for them in their relationship. And I think that that's I think that's really powerful work that you can do in your relationship. Just like in the first clip we discovered being interested in others.
00:25:10:02 - 00:25:50:24
Unknown
When you meet people socially, be interested in them, be Sherlock Holmes, find a good story. But Mark, there is a whole lot of goodness if you go to a very special place on the Internet and I believe you can get like show notes and all sorts of information there to know to about which destination I'm talking about. Yeah, I think you're talking about a destination that can help us learn out loud, get inspiration from some of the best thinkers in the world, maybe find with a show notes, maybe a past history of 200 plus episodes or maybe even 26 milestone episodes.
00:25:51:01 - 00:26:23:07
Unknown
I think, Mike, if our subscribers and members don't necessarily know who we're talking about yet, they will. Now we're talking about moonshots. I know that's the moonshot learning out loud Hub. You can pop along there to find all of those assets we were just discussing as well as find out our upcoming shows for those who want to speak your spouse's love language and give them the gift of maybe even a subscription to the Moonshot Master series is can also sign them up from moonshots dot I s right.
00:26:23:07 - 00:26:44:08
Unknown
So head over to Moonshot studio and you can get the whole Moonshot Galaxy universe and everything in between. And we really do encourage you to jump on there. Send us your feedback. So you, our members, you know, I really encourage you to show us, share with us your thoughts on Patron or they could even do it. It's crazy.
00:26:44:13 - 00:27:11:05
Unknown
They could actually send us an email. They could indeed. An email is always monitored. We respond to everybody we get. So if you want to reach out direct to us, you can email us at Hello at Moonshots dot I. Now if we think about the concentric circles we talked about our social circle, we then came in a level and we talked about a partner and the love languages.
00:27:11:07 - 00:27:39:07
Unknown
Mark Let's go to the fine or in a destination. Let's go and see how we have to work on ourselves to be better at relationships. That's right. I think we were starting to explore this with regards to the last clip, this idea of not only being interested in those around us, but even ourselves taking an interest in myself, what language I speak from both love perspective as well as maybe even a personality one is something that I can only get better at once.
00:27:39:07 - 00:28:09:18
Unknown
I understand it. So this next step, Mike, we're going to hear from is Moonshot Master Brené Brown herself. She's going to provide a quick summary of her book, The Power of Vulnerability. Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection? What underpin and this shame, this I'm not good enough was excruciating vulnerability.
00:28:09:20 - 00:28:35:05
Unknown
This idea of in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen really seen. The one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection. So I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way and just looked at what they had in common was a sense of courage.
00:28:35:07 - 00:29:16:09
Unknown
And so these folks had very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others. The other thing that they had in common, they fully embraced vulnerability. They talked about the willingness to say, I love you first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, initiating sex with my husband, initiating sex with my wife being turned down, asking someone out, We live in a vulnerable world.
00:29:16:11 - 00:29:51:03
Unknown
And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability. We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. You cannot selectively numb emotion. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness, and then we are miserable. I think that we need to think about is why and how we numb.
00:29:51:05 - 00:30:14:12
Unknown
We perfect, but it doesn't work. We pour fact most dangerously, our children. When you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, Look at her. She's perfect. Our job is to look and say, You know what? You're imperfect and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people.
00:30:14:14 - 00:30:41:00
Unknown
We just need you to be authentic and real and say we're sorry. We'll fix it. This is what I have found. To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen to love with our whole heart. Even though there's no guarantee to practice gratitude and joy. And there's moments of kind of terror when we're wondering, Can I love you this much?
00:30:41:00 - 00:31:09:09
Unknown
Can I believe in this as passionately? And alas, which I think is probably the most important is to believe that I am enough. I mean, you know, this idea is huge. And the way I interpret this clip, Mark, is I think and this is something I talk about a lot, I believe that life is just a war with self-doubt, uncertainty, vulnerability.
00:31:09:11 - 00:31:46:09
Unknown
And I think the mistake that gets us on the wrong foot is thinking we need to be perfect. And if we are not, we feel very guilty, ashamed that we're not amazing. We compare ourselves with others and go, I'm such a failure. But the truth really is. And we have discovered and studied this man. If you look at some of the greatest people on the planet in terms of accomplishment, they all felt those same feelings.
00:31:46:10 - 00:32:19:20
Unknown
They thought those thoughts. I'm unsure. I'm unsafe. I don't know. I'm I'm not sure if I can do it. They all say they're in self doubt. But the difference really comes down to accepting it. Still not perfect. Yeah. Accepting that you might experience this feeling of thought, but not allowing it to prevent you from moving forward. Don't let it be a blocker.
00:32:19:22 - 00:32:48:05
Unknown
The classic thing that you see we all do is we dream of some future state, but then we discount and say, Well, I could never do that. Yeah. Or it's a serious failure in self doubt. So the fear of being imperfect, we don't try things. Oh, I don't want to fail, you know, And when we are trying, we don't want to admit we need help.
00:32:48:07 - 00:33:21:09
Unknown
So we do fail and we don't get out of that failure loop because we don't ask for help. And to bring it full circle, even admitting struggle, admitting self-doubt can be incredibly hard. Some people and I think what we're learning here is that if you in a relationship admit that you're not perfect and that you might be struggling with some things, I think what everybody on the other side says, Oh, to you, I'm feeling the same thing as well.
00:33:21:14 - 00:33:49:13
Unknown
Maybe we can just look at this right? Because the truth is everybody experiences not everybody talks about, Yeah, I think you're totally right. We all go through phases and a lot of us, I think it's a lifetime. It's a lifetime of learning and experience and gradually, slowly getting better. But how lonely does it feel when you think that you're the only one who's struggling through it?
00:33:49:15 - 00:34:16:01
Unknown
I think, again, this is another classic lesson that we never really get taught as we're bringing ourselves out here and learning as youngsters and instead is something that you start to experience and probably learn from those who have started doing it first, which is exactly what we're doing here. The Moonshot show in the Master series. We're intentionally looking at those who have perhaps celebrated and studied into a topic like Vulnerability.
00:34:16:03 - 00:34:52:05
Unknown
And Brené Brown in that clip is obviously making the case for how we can benefit from being a little bit more candid, a little bit more honest or open or maybe even authentic with ourselves, but also each other. I think, like for me, when I'm looking just behind us on the screen there's some examples of vulnerability, the key things that really stand out to me when I don't listen to these types of examples, when I'm not being vulnerable with others, such as talking candidly with each other, opening up about stresses, trusting people, asking for help, or even saying no.
00:34:52:05 - 00:35:20:12
Unknown
And I think that that's a big one, that when I'm not doing any of that is when I'm feeling the most insecure, I'm feeling alone. I feeling as though the world is against me because it feels very so low and isolated. And I think what's what's fantastic when you do build up the confidence, when you do start to put this into practice and feel more comfortable with being vulnerable to each other, you can start small.
00:35:20:17 - 00:35:46:00
Unknown
Maybe the first step is being vulnerable with yourself before then talking to others. It's a sense of freedom, you know, whether you want to call it your ego, whether you want to call it upbringing, whether you want to call it just desire to be perfect. When you then start talking to people and sharing insecure, it's is vulnerabilities. It's really quite powerful.
00:35:46:02 - 00:36:04:20
Unknown
It's really quite a build a lot of confidence, doesn't it? And I believe it comes down to that moment when you express vulnerability, you're essentially giving permission to the other person saying, Same here, I've got the same concern, or I didn't have that. Maybe I help you that. But I tell you what I do struggle with, right? Yeah.
00:36:04:22 - 00:36:34:20
Unknown
And that's where the trust in the relationship can build from. But if you never get there, then it, it feels like everyone's holding back, right? Is there's some sort of invisible barrier if you're not expressing vulnerability, then you know, if you don't do that, then it feeds the uncertainty for the other people because they're like, Well, maybe Mark's perfect all the time.
00:36:34:22 - 00:37:10:23
Unknown
And I'm like, Well, you can feel uncomfortable, right? And that's not part of how you want a relationship to work. No. And if and if we're thinking of relationships much like a team sport, and we're thinking that a team fundamentally responds best to one another when there's a lot of respect, when you know that you can rely on those in different positions, whether that's on the sports board or an office or even in a in a family home, when you know that other people are covering their bases, you feel a little bit more comfortable and confident.
00:37:11:00 - 00:37:40:19
Unknown
I think when we don't respect those around us and instead we treat life like a solo sport. I mean, obviously it's going to be way more difficult, far more challenging. And you less likely to succeed because you don't have those teammates as family members, as those other members on the sports field with you. And I think that fundamentally stems from being vulnerable with each other because that again, opens up that line of trust, isn't it?
00:37:41:00 - 00:38:02:15
Unknown
And imagine a team where, you know, to use a sports analogy, where each player is just saying, hey, I could do some work on some offense or some defense or this tactical that and everyone helps each other. Then you can set a bigger ambition, a bigger goal and work towards something and you can really start kicking ass because everyone is, you know, rowing in the same direction.
00:38:02:17 - 00:38:29:20
Unknown
And actually that kind of brings us perfectly to our last clip because we've got some thoughts on goals and how to strive for something together. That's right. We're going back to Nathan from Productivity Game in this final clip, Mike. And now this is a big one. This is a gig, big old insight that we can share, and that's a breakdown of crucial conversations by Kari Pattison, Joseph, Granny, Ron McMillan and Alice Woodson.
00:38:29:22 - 00:38:57:00
Unknown
So let's hear now about how we can find a common goal. A crucial conversation is a critical confrontation that needs to be handled with care. Examples include calling a client who hasn't paid an overdue invoice or walking into your boss's office to talk about a promotion he promised you but hasn't delivered on yet. We're confronting a lazy teammate who isn't doing his share of the project or talking to your sibling, but your parents inheritance.
00:38:57:02 - 00:39:20:12
Unknown
Navigating a crucial conversation is like diffusing a bomb, touched the wrong button or hit the wrong wire and you set off an explosion of emotion. The best way to avoid an emotional explosion and prevent a conversation from going silent or verbally violent is to keep the dialog going. If there's dialog and there's a chance you can work through whatever issue is at the heart of the conversation.
00:39:20:14 - 00:39:43:13
Unknown
In the book, Crucial Conversations, I've discovered a toolset that you and I can use to diffuse the tension during a crucial conversation and get back to productive dialog. Everybody walks into crucial conversations with a story. That story might be my teammate doesn't care about my project because he doesn't come to my meetings or my boss doesn't care about my career because he hasn't given me a promotion yet.
00:39:43:15 - 00:40:12:24
Unknown
If you approach a crucial conversation with a story and a conclusion already in mind, there's no room for dialog because your mind's already made up there. To be any hope for productive dialog, you must assume that you don't know the full story and you need the help of the person you're talking to to get a complete picture. A great way to communicate this is to replay the situation as you saw it by using a when I invite as in when this happened and that happened, I felt like this and jumped to this conclusion.
00:40:13:01 - 00:40:28:06
Unknown
If you need to confront a teammate who's not doing his fair share of work on a team project, use the When I framework by saying when you don't show up to team meetings and don't deliver work to your teammates on time, I fear you don't care about this project. You aren't putting in the same effort as your teammates.
00:40:28:08 - 00:40:47:18
Unknown
Then after your when I invite them to share their story by saying something like, I'm probably not seeing the whole picture, can you help me see what's going on? You could use this when I invite to confront a client who hasn't paid you for weeks by saying when I fail to see a payment from you for several weeks and don't get a response to my emails, I worry that you'll never pay me.
00:40:47:20 - 00:41:09:08
Unknown
Then quickly them to share their story by saying something like, Can you help me understand what's happening on your end? When you use a when I invite, you're not being passive or aggressive. You're being assertive with the facts and honestly sharing your experience. Chances are the person you're confronting will be less inclined to defend their character, more inclined to clarify the situation.
00:41:09:10 - 00:41:32:06
Unknown
But sometimes you can do everything right at the beginning of a crucial conversation, and the conversation will still turn into a heated argument. And that's because the person you're talking to sees you as an opponent, as an enemy they must defeat to get their way to avoid a yelling match and get back to productive dialog. You must convince the person you're talking to that you're not their opponent, you're not their enemy.
00:41:32:08 - 00:41:54:11
Unknown
You're actually on the same side. To do this, you need to find and communicate a common goal, value or purpose. If a crucial conversation with a teammate is not going well, remind him that you both want to enjoy working together and you want the project to go well because both want your you're in bonuses. If a conversation with your spouse isn't going well, pause and say there's no need to fight.
00:41:54:16 - 00:42:30:16
Unknown
You and I both love this family and we both want what's best for this family. When you find common ground, you'll realize that you and your conversation partner simply have conflicting strategies to achieve the same ultimate goal. Once you identify and communicate that ultimate goal, your conversation transforms from a fight to more like a strategy brainstorming session. So when emotions start to escalate, get back to dialog by using sentences such as I don't want to fight, I just want to find a way for both of us to then talk about a common goal or purpose, or I know we both care about and then talk about a common value like your country or the team
00:42:30:16 - 00:43:02:17
Unknown
or your family. Then follow that up by saying, Let's see if we can find a way that allows both of us to get to that. You know, the big thing with this clip is it tells me about this very important thing in relationships, which is don't rush to judgment. Yes. Because what creates the emotion is the sense that you're being judged by the other person.
00:43:02:19 - 00:43:28:24
Unknown
If you accuse them of things. So I love what we were learning there with crucial conversations is to frame it as I must be missing something. I know we're striving for the same big picture goal, but when when you do this, it creates a concern for me rather than Why didn't you do that right? Or Why are you doing that?
00:43:29:05 - 00:43:50:17
Unknown
This is really bad. Like as soon as you cast a judgment that is bad, you are bad, you are putting the other person in a position where they need to defend. No, no, no, no, no. I'm good. They're no longer talking about how they might change their behavior in order to get a better outcome for the team. They're in defensive mode, Right.
00:43:50:19 - 00:44:19:14
Unknown
And we often talk about, oh, now's not a good time to talk to them. Right. Because we know their emotions and they're going to be defending. So I think the the the key frame of this crucial conversation is I'm not here to judge. I observe the situation. It makes me concerned for this reason. Help me understand this better.
00:44:19:16 - 00:44:43:00
Unknown
I totally agree. And it's the thing I wrote down from that clip to Mike, this idea of not being on the defending your character stance, because invariably when you do have these conversations, whether it's offspring with inheritance, asking a client to pay your money, there's always going to be on the other side somebody thinking, well, why do you not trust me?
00:44:43:02 - 00:45:10:08
Unknown
Of course I'm going to pay. Why do you think so little of me now? Suddenly I'm on the defensive and I'm frustrated instead. Exactly as you were just building there. If we can create and foster this more flat conversation between two parties, let's say it's you and I in and remove any of that, as we might call it, ego, defensive personalities, behaviors.
00:45:10:10 - 00:45:37:11
Unknown
I'm just really focused on what we're trying to improve. We're trying to improve the speed of which a project is completed that's got nothing to do with me as an individual. It's very focused on the behavior or the time management prioritization. It's fixable. And I think as we all have probably experienced, when you are on the receiving end of that type of commentary, you do think, Oh, well, this isn't how I've always done it.
00:45:37:13 - 00:46:01:22
Unknown
This is what somebody else taught me. And you do, don't you? You react in quite a defensive negative way, and what you end up then doing is creating and fostering a dislike or a deep prioritization towards that individual. And what we've learned from the show today is to really remove those moments when we are not seeking out to create relationships with other people.
00:46:01:24 - 00:46:21:18
Unknown
We are here to learn from everybody that we run into. Yes. And as soon as we get that commentary from, let's say it's a boss or a colleague, hey, I wish you would do this differently. It is not an affront on you as a person. It's just on how you conducting through behavior that particular deliverables. Yeah, Yeah, it really does.
00:46:21:18 - 00:46:48:14
Unknown
It needs to be considered, doesn't it? This? Well, I would say like a way to reverse engineer this thinking is would you not agree with the following statement that most people, when they are doing their work and living their lives personally or professionally, are doing their best with the best of intentions? Yeah, I think you'd like to think so.
00:46:48:14 - 00:47:17:17
Unknown
Yeah. Yeah, sure. So if you start from that point, then invariably when things go wrong and someone's frustrating you a bit, don't leap to that person. Then just step in and hope they have. Let's get them out. Now what you can do. Go. Hmm. Let's have a nonjudgmental, frank conversation because I'm sure there's a good reason for why it's not working that I just can't see.
00:47:17:19 - 00:47:42:04
Unknown
All right. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's it. And what a moment of demonstrating courage and a desire to get on with other people than being the individual who brings that up by being the person who. Who has more control or confidence, whatever you want to call it, awareness and saying, you know what? Hey, this is really working. Can we can we have a further talk?
00:47:42:06 - 00:48:12:02
Unknown
It's probable that the other party is thinking the same way, but just didn't know how to say yes. Yeah. And you know, he's he's the important if none of that convinced you, I've got another reason to do this, man, is the one thing we know for sure is that nobody's perfect. So there will come a time when you'll making mistakes and you would want others to approach you in a nonjudgmental way.
00:48:12:04 - 00:48:38:03
Unknown
Yeah, I'd set similar to paying it forward. Yeah. If we foster that working relationship, then it gives us the ability to look back and say, Hey, you know, I'm not perfect either. And what a great admission, what a great moment to continue learning from yourself. You're able to say. Now, Mark, you mentioned learning. We have covered a lot.
00:48:38:05 - 00:49:21:19
Unknown
We've covered personal, professional, external internal features of good relationships. It's felt like a therapy session. Core question for you is what are you going to them? I think today is a really difficult one because there's so much really meaty topics that we've covered today. But I think it's this idea of crucial conversations. It's the idea of being able to bring down those barriers, removing any of the ego that might be getting in the way of having really productive chats and working sessions with other people and fundamentally become better in the long run because ego is getting in the way.
00:49:21:21 - 00:49:42:08
Unknown
So for me, Mike, I'm going to be working on understanding how I can have those better, crucial conversations in a manner that does not allow defensiveness to get in the way. What about you, Mike? Which one standing out and which one are you going to work on today? You know, I've got one of those rare moments where I think I just I just need to study this more.
00:49:42:08 - 00:50:07:17
Unknown
And that's why I think it's very exciting. I think we're going to do a whole show on the book, Crucial, because I think too often we see when things break down in relationships or at work, it's because they didn't have the crucial conversations. That's exactly right. So we'll be diving into that book on the Moonshot show, because I think you and I have certainly gravitated towards this being a great topic and theme that we can explore.
00:50:07:19 - 00:50:32:08
Unknown
So good, So good. And Mark, you've been so good to so thank you so much for being part of this moonshot master series. Yes. In fact, it was episode 26 and good relationships. And given that we're in this relationships kind of vibe, I want to say thank you to you, our listeners, our viewers, and in particularly you who are our members on this show.
00:50:32:08 - 00:51:00:03
Unknown
We were studying what it takes to be really, really good at relationships, and it started with being genuinely interested in others. Find that good story. And then as we look towards our personal relationships, our partners, make sure you understand yours and your partner's love language so they can feel the good vibes. And when we think about going even in deeper, we need to understand ourselves so you can have good vibes about yourself.
00:51:00:05 - 00:51:21:24
Unknown
And that starts with vulnerability because you are enough Knowing these three things. You can go out into the world and do amazing things. You can find a common goal and when those bumps come along the road, you can have those crucial conversations, do the things you learn out loud, be the best version of yourself. This is what is all in front of you here with the Moonshots Master series.