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Welcome to The Foster Friendly Podcast. We’re bringing foster care closer to home by sharing stories from the front lines. We're talking with former foster youth, foster parents and others who are finding unique and powerful ways to dramatically improve the experiences and outcomes for kids in foster care.
The Foster Friendly podcast is brought to you by America’s Kids Belong, a nonprofit that helps kids in foster care find belonging in both family and community.
Brian (00:02.028)
Welcome to the Foster Friendly podcast. I'm your host, Brian Mavis with my co-hosts and colleagues, Courtney Williams and Travis Vognus. Hi guys. How are you doing today?
Travis (00:13.437)
Hello doing good doing good
Courtney (00:13.454)
Hello.
Brian (00:17.752)
Good, well, for full disclosure of our listening audience, we recorded this podcast already once and Courtney was in the midst of a violent thunderstorm that kept knocking out her recording. I was still struggling from COVID and still am today and just having coughing fits. And Travis just felt like he wasn't on his game. So this is take two.
All we know for sure is Courtney isn't in a storm. I still might have coughing fits. Travis still might not be on his game. We'll see. hopefully this one will be worth putting in the can. And today is our topic is foster care 101. A lot of times when we discuss foster care, we go down a...
Travis (00:58.489)
Doubtful, it's doubtful.
Courtney (00:59.491)
Yes.
Brian (01:13.55)
particular thread and we might take a deep dive into something with an interview. But today we want to just like cover the basics. For those people who are interested in foster care but feel like I know hardly nothing, I just need to take step one in understanding that this podcast is for you. So before we get started on some 101 types of questions and answers, I'd like to ask Courtney and Travis
Travis (01:33.061)
So before we get started on some 101 types of questions and answers, I'd to ask Courtney and Travis something. Tell us just a fun inspirational story about your own foster care experience. It gives people a little bit of insight into what that world looks like. So Courtney, we'll start with you.
Brian (01:41.454)
Tell us just like a fun, maybe inspirational story about your own foster care experience. gives people a little bit of insight into what that world is like. So Courtney, we'll start with you.
Courtney (01:56.206)
Yeah, so we've done foster care for going on 17 years now. We've had around 65 kids in and out of our house, about 30 of them long term. And we had one teenage daughter that came to our house when she was 14 going on 15. And as all teenagers do, they come in, you know, a little unsure, a little unsettled. Almost always they have a feeling of guilt and shame, like something about it's their fault. Just a lot of bad feelings about themselves.
So she came into us, we had a 15 year old daughter in our home as well and a 17 year old son and a 13 year old son, so more kids, but those were the three that are around her age. And she came in and they were all getting ready to go to the state, my 17 and 15 year old were getting ready to go to a dance. And then invited her, asked her if she wanted to go and of course it was like, no, no, you know, I don't have anything to wear, I'm not comfortable, I don't know people.
you know, just kept saying no, but they kept inviting her and she didn't say yes until the day before the dance, actually like the night before the dance. And then it was a, but I don't have anything to wear. And so I was like, well, I actually have some old homecoming and prom dresses of mine that you could put on and you could try. And so she tried on and she ended up wearing one of my dresses and so did my daughter. And our kids just wrapped their arms around her. Like they don't do this perfectly. It's hard. It's harder. got a new kid, a kid around your age.
but to see them wrap their arms around her and to take her with them to this dance that they went to, she had a rough night. She was in the bathroom crying a little bit, again, just so many emotions, but she also was so thankful. And it kind of broke that veil, you know, they come into your home and they're scared, they're shy, they're not sure, you know, those feelings of shame. And it really was a moment of breaking that veil of, okay, they're welcoming me in and this is a safe place. And now I can really dive in with this family.
thankfully was kind of towards the beginning of our journey with her because it helped her to see that from the beginning that we really were going to be all in and wrap our arms around her.
Brian (03:53.064)
That's a beautiful story and how some of those just normal moments of life for teenagers can provide an extraordinary opportunity for feeling like they're safe and they belong, someone cares about them. Thanks for sharing that. Travis, how about you? Share a story that maybe illustrates a bit of insight into foster care world.
Travis (03:55.395)
Some of those are normal moments that apply for teenagers.
Travis (04:18.853)
Yeah. So for me, know, I think of our journey into it with my wife, was through actually a children's home was a large group home in South Carolina where we were, they call the house parents, but essentially foster parents of at times six elementary boys. And it was everything you can imagine of super fun and crazy. mean, everything was crazy, but it was just, it was the most fun I've ever had at times, you know, it was extremely challenging at times.
But I look back and I have a huge passion for mountain biking and biking and bike repair, everything bikes and getting to teach the boys how to repair bikes to where they were repairing the high schoolers bikes. And it was so fun. We'd have bikes strewn across the yard, just working on bikes. And one other kind of snapshot moment that I'll never forget was we're out mountain biking on a nearby trail that we we'd actually built together as the kids and I, and that was another cool thing.
And one of the boys found a hawk feather and I remember him, you know, picking it up and putting it in his helmet, his bike helmet. And he looked over me and said, Travis, we're warriors. And I just remember that moment of just looking at him and thinking, you know, he thinks he's a warrior because, you know, there's this feather and we're mountain bikers and stuff. But it was just this deeper moment of me looking at him as a grown man and seeing this young 10 year old and the courage he's had.
in his story in foster care, not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow, not knowing what's going to happen beyond really anything and just having so much courage. that I'm telling him, that is why you're a warrior. You're an inspiration to me. And it was just like moments like that over and over again to really just be inspired by these kids.
Brian (06:00.546)
Yeah, it's amazing what these kids can do for you and also that you provided an opportunity for him to not see himself as a victim, which he had obviously had been victimized, but that he felt like he had a place where he felt empowered and that he wasn't alone. Thanks for sharing those guys. Yeah, I just, there's so many stories that come.
And when you step into the world of foster care, gosh, almost every day there's a new story to tell. But let's again, think about our audience. We're listeners who are saying, I really don't know much or maybe listeners who said I could use a refresher. And so let's start with the most basic question we can ask is, what is foster care? Who wants to take a crack at that one?
the
Travis (06:55.897)
Well, I've got a good working definition. So foster care is a system where kids are placed in the custody of state certified parents, or caregivers, sometimes as family members, when their parents in that, you know, the biological parents cannot care for them. Interestingly, that when you look at sort of the statistics of what leads kids to go into foster care in the first place, is that around 60 % is neglect situations.
Rental drug abuse comes in at around 30%, inability to cope, next one at 13, and then physical abuse is around 13%, and then housing insufficiency comes in around 10%. These factors can be co-occurring, meaning it can be drug abuse and neglect and all those types of things, but it's interesting that those are sort of how it breaks out. And so at any time, 400,000 kids nationally are in the foster care system with the goal of reunification being the primary goal.
And then one in four statistically are then eventually able to be, or their path is to be adopted because, you know, maybe their parents tried everything they could, or just the judge deemed it was just unfit or unsafe, or maybe the parents gave up their rights to come home. And so now you're looking at another trajectory. So Courtney, what am I missing on?
Courtney (08:15.926)
Now that's great. think the only thing to add is a lot of people, you know, people will look at us and be like 65 kids. How is that possible? And what people don't realize is usually, and I just even say again, over 17 years at the beginning, we would have a lot more short-term placements. And I feel over the years and we're at a spot now where I feel like most states have the system down, right? They don't just place kids flippantly. There's a process and it's a pretty hard process in a sense to get a kid taken away. You know, you know, the
vision a lot of people ha kids are just taken away so those days are pretty muc do come into care. But wh there's a reason and every guidelines and the diffe our state in colorado, within 72 hours there needs in court for the parents. over this whole case and s should stay in foster care can return home and then
We'll have kids come into our care, not a ton, but we've had probably at least 10 of those 65 have come into our home just for those short 72 hours. And then a judge is like, no, they can go home. They don't deem them necessary to be in foster care. Also, then kids enter the system and some parents, it just is a quick, like a wake up call and they realize really quickly what they've done wrong, what they need to fix. And they quickly get on.
on board to fix the things and work on their case plan. And so those kids, you know, it could be anywhere from one to three months. Right. And then you have the longer term things where oftentimes like substance abuse, where it's a long process and they can turn into a longer situation. But that's why when people say 65 kids is a yes. But not all of those have been in my home for three months, six months a year. A lot of them have been very short term.
Brian (10:08.11)
So yeah, I like to highlight just a couple, I'm not going to say anything new, just highlight a little bit of what both of you said. Courtney, one was that it's not easy for a child to be removed and that's not something that anybody wants. And so when it gets to that point, it's been deemed necessary in order to protect that child. And most of time, virtually all the time,
Travis (10:23.013)
That's not something that anybody wants. So when it gets to that point, this didn't mean necessary in order to protect that child.
Brian (10:37.282)
the child has, there's been multiple visits to the home, multiple visits to the family, multiple attempts to make things better, and they're getting to the point where it's not getting better, it's getting worse, and the child is at risk of harm. And then Travis, you made it clear that when it comes, when the child is in foster care, there's,
Travis (10:40.998)
the home, multiple attempts to make things better. And you're getting to the point where it's not getting better, it's getting worse, and the child is at risk of harm.
Travis (10:56.453)
So you made it clear that when a child is in foster care, there's two broad paths that are taken. And every child, virtually every child, starts on the first path, which is towards...
Brian (11:05.432)
typically two broad paths that are taken and every child, virtually every child starts on the first path, plan A, which is towards reunification. Whether for some percentage of those kids, plan A has to become plan B when it becomes apparent that that child should not be reunited with their first core family.
Travis (11:33.612)
Hmm.
Brian (11:35.63)
in that they'll need to find another permanent family situation. so that's the broad brush picture of what that looks like. with that in mind, you guys, why should people even consider foster care? I I don't know if we want to look at just pure numbers or something like that, but.
Travis (11:50.991)
So with that.
Travis (11:56.837)
consider foster care.
Brian (12:04.79)
What's the need?
Courtney (12:09.014)
Yeah. Well, the need, I the numbers are real. And I tell people, you know, you think of orphan care or you think about caring for the needy. We often think about other cultures or other countries. And I was like, no, this is a need right here in our own backyards, in our own communities. I have never met. mean, there's there's a wonderful story of possum trout, which we've talked about in the past. But I've never met recently a county or a caseworker that has ever said we have enough foster homes. It's always we need more.
Travis (12:09.239)
Alright, go ahead Courtney.
Travis (12:37.497)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Courtney (12:39.246)
And that more than enough is not necessarily, you know, kid to kid or kid to family, like the ratio of one to one. It's even, you know, I look at, used to live in the Denver metro kind of area. And I think about that area of we had a kiddo that their family was two hours away from us through the metro, driving through Denver. That's two hours away. Like in best case scenario, be in their family, right? But then they're removing their family. The next best case is they're in their community, close community.
but there wasn't a home in their close community. So then they were moved two hours away. know, those kids, they're now adopted by a star two youngest. They, you know, weren't in school yet, but if they had been in school, that'd have been a move in school, a move in friends, a move in all that. So we're adding to it. So it's not just that we have roughly 400,000 kids in the U.S. foster care system. It's that we need homes all around every community so that when a kid does come into care, there's a home ready and waiting, not scrambling to try to find a place for a kid.
that now needs to move across the state or even across a large city.
Travis (13:40.837)
100%. I, and even to add to that it's, and Brian, you've said this well, and I love the analogy of this, but you've talked about like this tornado analogy, a natural disaster thing. And I'm living it right now. The hurricane that's nailed the Southeast. I'm looking literally out into the yard and seeing neighbors come together, you know, getting trees off roofs, just helping one another because it's a visible situation and Americans, you know, as much as we're polarized and disconnected.
you see us still having through natural disasters coming together. And you've kind of rightly talked about the crisis of foster care. As Courtney said, in every state, there was a shortage, typically half the parents needed. And this is an invisible crisis. Very few of us know about. And you just can't help but think if more did know and knew the type of thing that Courtney's talked about, also siblings are separated up to 50 to 80 % of siblings are separated.
Some kids are still sleeping in hotels or child welfare offices right now because there's not enough foster parents. If more of us as Americans knew this, that's not to say everybody would jump in line and say, I'm going to foster. But I think there'd be a lot more people going, wow, I just, had no idea this is in our backyard.
Brian (14:56.898)
Yeah, there's a line that says let's help the child keep the most and lose the least. And the idea behind that is when they are removed from their family often as Travis, you just said they lose more than just that they might lose their siblings. They might lose Courtney mentioned about being two hours away, so they end up losing their friends, their school, their teachers, you know, all the things that are familiar. So now they've lost all that. So what would it look like if instead?
the caseworker spending all day and then night trying to get someone to say yes and then calling out further and further and further away could say, I actually have four good options in front of me here. And this one is close to their school or this one speaks their language. That's what we're hoping for. Okay, so if someone were interested in said, okay, I understand what it is. I understand the need. I do want to take my first step
towards doing something to get on that list of being a qualified foster parent. How does someone start? I feel like you'd be really good with this since you are, that's part of your responsibility. So if someone comes to you and says, how do I start this process of being a foster parent?
Travis (16:11.353)
So sometimes she says, how do I start this process?
Courtney (16:16.588)
The first thing I tell people is to research, research your area and your options because every state again is different. Some states have CPAs, which are child placing agencies. Most states do now, but not all states. So some states you have to go through your county. Some states you have options. So first thing is to research and know what your options are. We do have some tools that we'll share at the end of ways that we can help you research and know what your options are, but get to know what your options are. And then I tell people, once you know those options,
Go to an information all night or orientation night, whatever they might call it. And don't just go to one, go to one in multiple of the options you have because every agency runs things a little bit differently. They have different niches. They might focus on teens or might focus on medically fragile kids, whatever it might be. And so something that might be your heartbeat might lead you to a specific agency. So know your options, go to information all nights. And then I say, sit down with your family.
Travis (17:00.549)
you
Courtney (17:13.602)
deep, hard discussions. Again, we've got some great questions that you can ask if you're married or have a partner of, know, what do we really think about this? Can we handle XYZ when it comes to our home? What in our past is gonna stand in the way and just have those deep conversations. If you have kids, sit your kids down and have some of the same conversations with them. And then I always encourage, get to know a foster family around you.
we can guide you as an experienced foster parent, can answer a lot of questions. But again, it is so different state by state, county by county, city by city. So you really want to find somebody within your area that is fostering to kind of get to know what is the culture around where you are and ask them the hard questions that you can really digest before you start training or anything else.
Brian (18:01.804)
Yeah, that's good, Court. You know, when my wife and I have gone through this a couple of times, once in California, once in Colorado, as far as being certified, and they're very similar, a few different things. My expression, same potatoes, different gravy. And so I guess a couple of things that were the same, one was there was this
Travis (18:03.045)
That's good.
Travis (18:15.915)
similar
Brian (18:32.11)
I forget how many hours, but 24, 27, 30 hours of training. And our experience in California was it was done over two weekends. And our experience in Colorado was it was done over eight weeknights. And so it could be different as far as that training goes. And you're mostly just kind of learning about why kids are in care. And then you start kind of learning some parenting skills that you might not normally have had. And then.
Travis (18:46.149)
Hmm.
Brian (19:00.256)
and what some of the laws and rules are. And then the other thing that was common, but also maybe didn't know what to expect was this home study, where someone comes to your house and ask you a bunch of questions about your life and your history and does some physical inspection of your home. And that might sound intimidating, but they're not there to...
Travis (19:13.061)
and ask you a bunch of questions about your life and your history and does some physical inspection of your home.
Travis (19:29.667)
to as a gotcha.
Brian (19:30.35)
as a gotcha, like we, found a little thing that's wrong there, there to understand who you are, maybe, keep in mind because of who you are, what might be best matches. And then, and then, yeah, then to find out if there is something that is, egregious and especially concerning. So with, with all that.
Travis (19:39.099)
and
Travis (19:48.505)
Yeah.
Brian (19:59.884)
the process, the classes, the home study. A lot of people though, still going into it, have some misconceptions or some myths that they believe about foster care that they either just don't know or they assume will disqualify them. So Travis, what comes to mind? What are some myths that come to mind that people carry around with them that they think, again,
Travis (20:19.013)
What are some of issues that come to mind that people carry around?
Brian (20:26.336)
They're just not sure or they think they might be disqualified by those myths.
Travis (20:31.776)
Yeah, mean, so I think one of the biggest ones that you'll hear is, you know, I'm single, someone's saying I'm single. So therefore I must not be able to and that's a myth. You know, it's like, in fact, I know some single foster parents, Courtney, I'm sure you guys do as well that in some ways they can actually give more capacity, they have more capacity being single because they don't have a spouse, they don't have necessarily their own.
Biological kids, they're just poor completely into the kids and foster care that they have You know, just a couple more that come to my top of my head or you know, they can't work things like that Or I can't work full-time another myth, you know child care, know, there's you are given, you know Subseason daily, you know allowances to help with with payments for things like that And you know, we're just like, you know, I I don't own my home. That's another one again that
That's rentals or you have to have a home and you can be homeless, but that's a whole nother problem if we're in that spot. But yeah, so those are a few that come to my mind from myths I hear.
Brian (21:36.898)
That's good, Courtney. Any more that you can think of?
Courtney (21:40.91)
Yeah, we kind of touched on it already, but a very common one is people think, if I do foster care, I can or will adopt. And again, foster care does not always end in that story, right? The goal is reunification. So keeping that in mind, foster care does not equal adoption. That's one myth. Another myth is people believing that, I'll just foster babies and toddlers, and they're not going to have any issues because the trauma doesn't affect babies and toddlers, right? And that is so far from the truth.
Brian (21:51.701)
huh.
Brian (22:05.154)
Mm-hmm.
Courtney (22:10.33)
In fact, I kind of tell people when you have a baby in your home, you don't really know what you're getting yourself into. don't a lot of the behaviors and the things that they've been exposed to aren't known yet versus a teenager. You know what you're getting into. mean, those teenagers, usually the caseworker knows a little bit more about them, that teachers know things about them. So you can really kind of know what to expect with them, sometimes more than you can with the baby, to be honest. And then the last one that I think probably the most
Brian (22:19.992)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (22:28.417)
K H N
Brian (22:36.344)
down.
Courtney (22:39.79)
passionate one that I have is believing that all kids in care are bad kids. You know, they're in care, they're bad. And tied to that is their families are bad. These families are bad people, they don't love their kids, they don't deserve their kids. And I can tell you that there's been one parent out of all the parents that we've dealt with that we personally really struggled with was there's a lot of physical sexual abuse going on and that was really hard for us. It just was.
Brian (22:45.598)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Travis (22:58.085)
Ahem.
Travis (23:06.307)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Courtney (23:09.166)
Other than that, all the families that we've gotten to know, and even him, I would say he loved his child. He just had some stuff that he was dealing with probably from his past. But these families, they love their kids and they want good for their kids. And almost always they want their kids back in their lives and back in their homes. So these are not bad people. They are people that have been stuck in an addiction, stuck with generational trauma, things that they, again, they dealt with when they were little. And it's a really hard thing to really grasp, you know, as a...
our family, we're Christians, right? So we can get into this easy mentality of like, well, our family's better because, you know, we'll take them to church and we'll do this. And we've got a clean, safe home with extra space and big backyard. And we can go down the list, right? And we will look at that and think, that's a better place than where they're returning to. And even our friends, friends and family members, they make comments all the time regarding this. And we're always having to educate people of, no, like imagine your child being removed. You know, we had a baby in our house a couple of weeks ago.
Brian (24:06.382)
Mm-hmm.
Courtney (24:09.932)
was just here for two nights and went back to homelessness. And you know, our kids really struggled with that. said, mom and dad, is that really what's best for this child? And I'm like, who am I to say that it's better for that child to be with me than with a mom who's been with them, you know, before they were born for 10 months and now for their months, six months of life. You know, that's, it's so easy to get into this Jesu rental spirit. And it's when we just really have to recognize and try to fight from the get-go.
Travis (24:15.333)
Mm-hmm.
Travis (24:23.577)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (24:40.12)
Yeah, I want to continue to camp out here a little bit because, I mean, this is such a big deal. we're asking, when you're stepping into foster care, you're stepping into something that is hard, you're stepping into something that is unknown, because you're saying yes to something, you're not even sure what that means as far as if this is going to be a short-term thing, a long-term thing, if it's going to head towards reunification or head towards
adoption. And so we're looking for families who have that openness, what you call a flexible family. You know, there's this term forever family and there's I think another term we could call for now families, you're a family for now. But ultimately you need to be a flexible family where you're always thinking about what is best for the child. You're prioritizing the child's
Travis (25:32.991)
thinking about what is best for the child. You're probably over-tying the child's best interests over your interests. Sometimes that can be hard to know what to do. So, it can evolve.
Brian (25:38.764)
best interest over your interest. And sometimes that can be hard to know what to do. And so it can involve and often does that at least at the first where you are advocating for a reunification, you're not only cheering on those parents, but you might have a role where you can help coach them a bit.
Travis (25:55.77)
you
Brian (26:09.228)
And so that, think a lot of people who are new to foster care or haven't started that yet are intimidated by that. They're like, gosh, I can't imagine having to deal with parents who are addicts or have some involvement in gangs or prostitution or something like that. And you might feel intimidated by them. But as my dad always used to tell me, like when I encountered some...
Travis (26:09.636)
So, that's think a lot of...
Brian (26:36.354)
like a snake or something like he's like the snake is more afraid of you. I'm like, I'm not so sure.
Travis (26:36.901)
That example, yes.
Courtney (26:41.474)
Yeah.
Brian (26:44.206)
And foster care, it's true. Those parents, I mean, my experience is they feel embarrassed, ashamed, unworthy. They're afraid and even showing a little bit of kindness towards them. They're shocked by that because they feel like everybody has judged them as well. So not only
Travis (26:57.017)
Yeah. Yeah.
Travis (27:10.638)
Right.
Brian (27:12.478)
is this myth of the kid is bad, but the families are bad. And it's, well, let's reframe it around. They're sad, they're broken. They've made some choices that maybe a series of choices have led down some bad, bad, bad path. And not to excuse it, but a lot of times those parents have also had horrible childhoods and they've dealt with their trauma in unhealthy ways.
So just give them a choice, a chance is a profound experience when they feel like no one's ever had their back before. it's, again, foster care is a profoundly transformational and relational endeavor for sure for the child, but possibly
Travis (27:49.061)
you
Brian (28:08.846)
your own experience with the rest of their family. Okay, excuse me, back to a little bit more practicalities again. This idea of just leaving your own home. Travis, you mentioned some, you one of the myths being that you can't do this unless you're a homeowner, that's not true. But there are some things that child welfare is often looking for when it comes to the physical space of your house.
Travis (28:13.353)
you
Travis (28:20.655)
Yeah.
Brian (28:38.446)
What do they often look for when they're saying, like for the home to have these characteristics?
Travis (28:39.065)
What they often look for when they're saying, we like...
Travis (28:49.677)
Courtney, the resident expert on
Courtney (28:50.67)
Yeah, think, I mean, they always are going to want to know that the kid has their own space, right? Is there a bed for the child or for the children? Is there a space for them to keep their belongings? You know, there's a kind of common sense things, but then there's other things that I always encourage families to keep in mind. I have a supply closet, so I've got this little area where I keep all things foster care and it's different blankets, different sheets that we gather over the years. You know, if we get a call tonight for a
five-year-old boy, then we've got stuff that maybe they would like, right? And it doesn't mean you have to have everything, but just a small supply of things, toothbrushes and hygiene supplies. I always encourage people to have blank photo frames available. Again, these kids are coming into your home losing so much. And it's just a beautiful thing when you can say, our home is your home for right now. We want you to be comfortable. And that could include, you know, if you want pictures of your family on our family picture wall, you can have pictures here.
or here's a frame for you to put next to your bed. Do you have a picture? Can I get you a picture? And you print off the pictures. You do the things you need to do to make them feel comfortable. And then I tell people, always think about the senses, right? The five senses are really the things that make kids feel safe. Is there something in the room? Is there something that they can smell? Like a diffuser or something like that. Is there a weighted blanket? Things that they can touch, stuffed animals. Think about the senses. Think about what makes you comfortable when you.
jump into bed at night or when you go to a guest house. Those are the types of things that I think about. Having them ready to go. Again, that's kind of the physical space. And then just thinking, you know, we have cameras in our house. We do a lot of foster care of teens, not in their bedrooms. We don't have cameras, but in the hallways or general spaces. That's protect them. And I tell them, it's not just for our protection. This is for your protection as well. Like we want to know if there's an allegation made or if...
they're saying one of my kids did something or whatever it might be. We want to be able to look back and be like, well, we saw this on the camera or, know, you didn't sneak out of the living room at night or whatever it might be. I always encourage families to have cameras, especially if you're welcoming in tweens and teens. And then the last thing that I think about is we call it a yes basket. These kids often come food with major food insecurities and that can be because they were denied food.
Courtney (31:14.848)
It can be because they ate a lot of junk food. It can be because just food is something that we often go to, right? When our emotions are high, food is like a security blanket. And so to have a yes basket, a place where they can go where they know they can always go to get a snack so they feel secure, they know it's there. Ours is in a general spot. They kind of know we have a schedule. We have snacks at 10 and three and we go over all this stuff with them when they come into our home. But having a spot where they can always get something if they need a drink or something to eat.
they know where to go. So the physical space, there's a lot that we could talk about, but those are kind of the general biggest things I think about.
Brian (31:51.874)
Yeah, that's really good. I love all those suggestions. And yeah, I think so many foster parents will definitely affirm the food one. It's almost shocking how much food insecurity is tied into the world of foster care. And just so that they know, like, I can come here any time and just grab this and like, or yeah, they're shocked by that. Okay, so Travis.
Let's talk a little bit about reasons people ultimately say no. And let's maybe categorize this around two different categories. One is what is called excuses why people will say no. And then the other reason is why people say no. And that's probably right that they're just not.
Travis (32:20.101)
So.
Brian (32:47.15)
at a right place or right season to say yes to foster care.
Travis (32:51.429)
Yeah, well, I think the biggest is just, you know, the excuse, but it can also feel like it's coming from a hard place, but it's just, I would get too attached. You'll hear that. And what it's communicating also is that they don't deserve that. They don't deserve people that pour everything in and love them and help heal through the love. I mean, what else? They deserve nothing less.
Brian (32:55.982)
Thank
Travis (33:20.953)
and I think tied to that is also the reality that people don't understand too, is that what feels like a liability, like my liability is cause my heart is on my sleeve or I just invest my heart too much is the very greatest gift you are offering in this time of they need stability, they need love, and that's promoting their healing onto the next part of their journey. And so like that, that's kind of a border between an excuse, but just maybe also one that's just like not understood enough, I think on the, on the part of the
excuse-y person. And, another one I think is, my, my kids will be ruined or somehow this is going to just extremely like kind of wreck our family or put us in harm's way. And certainly in Courtney can speak to this. mean, there's a lot of preemptive things we need to do. We need to be vigilant. We need to be, there's all kinds of safety things to be careful of in your house and to watch and have oversight on. Because of course, I mean, these kids are coming from
difficult places that all kinds of, you know, things may have happened to them that they then may reenact or, can happen to your kids. But what we'll also see is while we're, you know, being safe, being wise, doing those types of things, we're seeing that our kids are actually providing some of the greatest, stability and help in their love for them that we, we as parents can't even offer, you know, like, so, I mean, they have a tremendous.
gift in what they're providing and helping be part of this.
Brian (34:52.29)
Yeah, that's good. Yeah, all three of us have biological children. And I think all three of us can affirm that in spite of hard moments, foster care, their own experience with foster care has made them better people, more compassionate, more aware of the wounds in the world.
has given them a tool set of skills, relational skills that they wouldn't have had otherwise. And Travis, as you said, they have been huge in helping when it comes to the family dynamics of just what it's like to have healthy siblings. And so, I mean, at the moment, I'm just thinking of silly stuff like my girls, had an older boy.
Travis (35:44.41)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (35:46.784)
with us and we broke one of our rules was not to ever have a youth in our family that was older than our youngest daughter. And we had a young man who was older than both our daughters, but it was a very positive experience. He was with us for a few months, but I just remembered them just like, man, take a shower and then knocking the hat off his head. I mean, just all normal, playful kinds of things. And that was...
Travis (36:13.753)
Ha
Brian (36:17.142)
at least 10 years ago. And he's moved a few times, Texas and Louisiana, and he has his own family now. Now he lives just 20 minutes from here, and there's still a relationship there. so it's fun. will this impact your kids? It certainly will. hopefully, and it definitely can have a mostly positive impact.
Let's though a couple of reasons people should say no or not yet.
Courtney (36:57.43)
Yeah, I tell people, you know, we all have stuff in our background, right? My husband, he comes from an abusive home. He had a really hard childhood and he's never going to go 100 % get over that, forget that, right? But he's moved on to be able to have safe and healthy relationships. So if he wasn't at a point or if you're not at that point where you have some hard stuff in your past that you've not been able to get over, you're still really struggling with it, like on a day to day basis, then I'd say maybe you need to get some counseling or
Find your ways of healing through that before you step into this realm. And again, that doesn't mean it has to be, if you've gone through those things, you can't do this. My own husband has, and he's been able to connect with these kids differently than I have been able to. But are you at a mental state capacity right now to be able to care for a kid that's going through hard things? Because when they're going through hard things and you've gone through hard things, it often will trigger some things. So you just need to recognize that and know that and really evaluate if it's best.
Travis (37:35.973)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Courtney (37:54.24)
Same thing if you have some medical needs going on. Again, doesn't mean if you have any medical needs, you can't do it. But if you've got some things that are taking a major amount of time and energy, bills, know, things that are just consuming your schedule, foster care is overwhelming. It's wonderful. It's so many positives, but it is overwhelming on the schedule. There are a lot of things to just know that you're getting into this. Do I have the time to really commit? Because we don't want families to start this and then a month in, six months in, be like,
Travis (38:21.103)
Mm-hmm.
Courtney (38:23.276)
sorry, this kid's gotta go now. We really want families to evaluate if it's best for them. And then make sure that you and your spouse or partner on board do not try to tuck them into this or anything like that. Again, we've got some questions that you can go over, but I see this a lot where usually the woman is on board and she's trying to convince her spouse to get on board as well. And men can come around, right guys? I mean, it happens.
Travis (38:24.794)
Mm-hmm.
Courtney (38:53.602)
but it doesn't need to be something that we're convincing them into and that they're not now to the point of being on board because the last thing we want is, know, partners, spugs, fighting in and not really there together. And then a hard situation comes into your home and now you're not, you're already not seeing eye eye. Now you're really not seeing eye to eye. And again, we're just trying to alleviate kids having to be moved and bounced around from home to home. And so these are things that we need to consider before that happens.
Travis (39:05.125)
Mm-hmm.
Travis (39:19.257)
Yeah.
Brian (39:20.94)
All right, that's great. Yeah, good advice. mean, there are reasons to say no or not yet, legitimate ones. All right, so let's land this plane and let's talk about when, again, our listeners are like, okay, I'm still feeling brave when I'm taking the next step. Something just real practical you can do is go to our website, America's Kids Belong.
Travis (39:29.601)
So let's land this plane and let's talk about when we get a list for like, okay, I'm still feeling brave. I want to take the next step. we'll crack open some figures, go to our website, americaskidsgalong.org.com and across the...
Brian (39:47.854)
shorthand is amkidsbelong.org.com. And across the top, the navigation, there's one main navigation called fostering. And on that, there's a drop down of different things. A few that I want to point out is one of them is foster care certification resources by state.
Travis (39:57.029)
top of navigation, there is one main navigation called fostering. And on that, there is a drop down of different things. A few that I want to point out is one of the foster care certification resources by state. So every state has their own contacts.
Brian (40:17.302)
And so every state has their own contacts and has some of their own peculiarities and specifications. And so if you go there and look at for your state, it'll give you some great resources and links and contacts on how to get started. There's also just a resource page that has a lot of stuff for you to look at.
Travis (40:24.189)
as well of their own curiouities and specifications. So if go there and look at for your state, it'll give you some great resources and links and contacts on how to get started. There's also just a resource page that has a lot of stuff for you to look at.
Another one called Fostering FAQs. Take a look at that page as well. And then there's also one called FosterCon, Fostering and Adoption Webinars. those are different webinars that we've put on with certain special guests, experts on different things. And you can go through those webinars and just continue to do your own learning.
Brian (40:47.128)
Another one called Fostering FAQs. Take a look at that page as well. And then there's also one called FosterCon, Fostering and Adoption Webinars. So those are different webinars that we've put on with certain special guests and experts on different things. And you can go through those webinars and just continue to do your own learning.
before I sign off Courtney or Travis, anything else that you can think of as far as a good practical next step.
Courtney (41:26.168)
You know, we started the beginning of this with Brian asking us kind of a story, and that's what I encourage people to do. Go find the people that you know or find people that are doing this. Contact your county and say, hey, can I chat with a few foster families and ask them their why. Ask them their stories because those stories are going to inspire you to see there might be a why for you. And that why is almost always when you ask a foster parent, what's your why? It's not to get a pat on my back. It's not to get, you know, the stipend from the state.
Travis (41:43.823)
Mm-hmm.
Travis (41:49.593)
Mm-hmm.
Courtney (41:54.572)
It's because we see a change in these kiddos and we see a change in their families and we see veils removed and that keeps us going day to day. So ask other people what their why is and it'll hopefully encourage you to find your why.
Travis (42:08.769)
I love that. And I would just add to like, don't discount your past experience in life that may not seem like an intersex foster care. And you'll be just blown away at, maybe there was something in your childhood or you overcame adversity in some other way that you can bring in. And so I think the experiential part of our own stories that we may discount or not realize hugely plays into this and, empowers us and gives us credibility in ways it's unbelievable.
Being part of foster care and helping in this way is a cause greater than, it's just a huge mission that I think is a huge need and it'll change your life.
Brian (42:49.784)
Yeah. Well, Travis and Courtney, thank you for your wise guidance. I know it doesn't just come from books. It comes from years of living it out and also for sharing the inspiring parts of it as well. And if again, you're listening and you're thinking about going down this path, my encouragement to you right now is don't stare away down the path and feel intimidated. Just look at what your next step should be and
and take that step. So you aren't alone. There are a lot of resources. And as Courtney said, you probably have a relationship with someone or you could fairly soon. That can be a local wise guide for you as well. God bless. Thank you.
Courtney (43:35.47)
Yeah, thank you.
Travis (43:36.719)
Goodbye.
Brian (43:37.846)
Bye.
Travis (43:43.551)
it and did it stop?