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Scripts Aloud brings drama right into your ears. By using text-to-speech software, theater scripts go from the page into drama, every week. Typically 10-minute scripts are presented in each episode. It's like having a Theater Festival - right on your phone!
Thumbing Out West
By
Rick Regan
7/15/2021
This is the story of a conversation between a hitch hiker and a
driver, out west between South Dakota and Wyoming.
Characters:
Janine: Hitch hiker
Steve: Driver
Rick Regan
Raleigh.rickregan@gmail.com
Raleigh, NC
919-218-8834
I/E. RURAL HIGHWAY IN SOUTH DAKOTA - MORNING
A two-lane blacktop highway runs from the southwest corner of
South Dakota into Wyoming. A dusty Ford SUV rumbles down the
road. A hitch hiker stands by the corner of Hwy. 24 and US-
14, Carlile Junction. The hitch hiker is a short but solidly
built woman in her mid-twenties, with dark curly hair. The
driver of the truck is a tall, lanky Western man in his early sixties.
The Ford stops and she goes to the window.
STEVE
You heading west?
JANINE
Yep. Going that way?
STEVE
Sure. Hop in. Could use the company.
Janine puts her backpack and gear in the back seat and sits
up front. They roll away, heading west toward Wyoming.
JANINE
How far you going?
STEVE
Quite a ways. How about you?
JANINE
A good piece. This way, west, US-14, to Gillette. You
going that far?
STEVE
Yep. Good day for a drive.
JANINE
OK. Yeah, I appreciate it.
STEVE
Makes no nevermind to me. I’m going anyway. Better to
have some company.
JANINE
Right. Right.
STEVE
Yep. Ya.
There is a long silence as they head down the twisty road out
of the Black Hills. There is little to no traffic going in
either direction. Soon farms and ranches appear on both
sides, stretching nearly treeless from horizon to horizon.
2.
JANINE
It’s pretty.
STEVE
It’s dry right now. Real nice when it’s green, in the
spring.
JANINE
That right?
STEVE
Yep.
JANINE
You a rancher?
STEVE
Nope. Grew up on a ranch. Family still do. How about
you? Got a spread?
JANINE
What? Me? Oh no.
STEVE
Just traveling then?
JANINE
Camping. I was at Devil’s Peak last night. Beautiful
sky. So many stars.
STEVE
Bit chilly last night. Got a nip to it.
JANINE
I try to prepare for it. But can’t make a fire right
now at the KOA’s because, like you said, it’s so dry.
STEVE
Yep. Mighty dry.
JANINE
Oh yeah, real dry.
STEVE
You just out camping these parts or been all over?
JANINE
Oh, well I’ve been all over but I’m heading to meet
up with some friends.
STEVE
That right? In Gi-lette?
2.
3.
JANINE
Well, north of there.
STEVE
There a house or something?
JANINE
A ranch. I’ve got a line on a ranch that’s hiring.
STEVE
Oh! Hiring! That’s good. That’s good.
JANINE
We’ll see. I hope so.
STEVE
Yep.
JANINE
How about you?
STEVE
Me?
JANINE
Yeah, driving west, all by yourself? You from around
here?
STEVE
Here?
JANINE
Yeah. Dakota, Wyoming?
STEVE
I suppose, by way of my wife’s people. I come-up by
the Mexican boarder.
JANINE
Oh, your wife? You heading home?
STEVE
No, I’ve got a project, further west, I’m heading to.
JANINE
Ranching?
STEVE
Naw. Nothing like that.
JANINE
Something else?
3.
4.
STEVE
What is this, twenty-questions? I just got a project.
JANINE
Apologies.
STEVE
Accepted.
They ride along in silence for a while. When they come to a
small town with a gas station, he stops for a fill up. She
goes to the bathroom and comes out of the store with two
bottles of water. He nods and they get back in and continue.
JANINE
Got you some water, if you want it.
STEVE
That’s kind of you.
JANINE
Well, it’s kind of you to drive me.
STEVE
Well, you know what they say.
JANINE
Uh-oh. Gas, grass or ass?
STEVE
(laughs)
No. Not that. The waters fine.
JANINE
Is that what they say?
STEVE
No. What I meant was, won’t you be my neighbor?
JANINE
Who says that? Mr. Rogers says that.
STEVE
Yep.
JANINE
You a big fan of Mister Rogers?
STEVE
Oh yeah. Good fella.
JANINE
You watch the show?
4.
5.
STEVE
Watch it? Ha! No I don’t get to watch it much.
JANINE
Oh-kay. What do you mean then? It’s just a good
outlook on life?
STEVE
It’s that, yeah.
JANINE
Wait, so what is it that you do, if you’re not a
rancher.
STEVE
I don’t like to talk about it.
JANINE
We’ve got a long ways to go.
STEVE
Eh... the entertainment business.
JANINE
Entertainment, like an actor.
STEVE
Character.
JANINE
Hmm. Been in anything I might have seen?
STEVE
Oh sure. Lot of kids stuff.
JANINE
Like.... Mister Rogers.
STEVE
Yeah, I was Mr. McFeely, the delivery man.
JANINE
On the show? Mr. McFeely?
STEVE
(raises finger)
“Speedy Delivery!”
JANINE
Oh, right! The Speedy Delivery song.
STEVE
Yep. While ago now.
5.
6.
JANINE
Well did you do anything else?
STEVE
Oh, lots of things. But, I don’t like to get into it.
JANINE
I see.
STEVE
But you being a rancher. Is there a lot of call for
women cowboys these days?
JANINE
I’m going to learn, understand how it works.
STEVE
Well I can save you some trouble there. Ya see what
they do is put animals on the pasture. When they
animals get big enough they put them on trucks and
take them away to the slaughterhouse. That’s about
it.
JANINE
(grandly)
I want to learn the ways of the dry grass ranchers of
Wyoming.
STEVE
Why’s that?
JANINE
I’m from...
(heavily)
Israel!
STEVE
Israel? That right?
JANINE
Yep. Israeli.
STEVE
You grow up there, then come all the way out here?
JANINE
I want to learn the ways of the ranchers and the
cowboys so that I can bring these methods and
techniques back to my people..
(heavily)
In Israel!
STEVE
So, how’s that work? Born in Jerusalem or Tel Aviv?
6.
7.
JANINE
Malvern.
STEVE
Is that north or south.
JANINE
The Main Line, outside of Philly. Pennsylvania.
STEVE
I thought you said you are an Israeli.
JANINE
Yes, by birth, I qualify to be an Israeli.
STEVE
But you grew up outside of Philadelphia?
JANINE
(grandly!)
That’s right and now I have come to learn the ways of
the Western ranchers and cowboys!
STEVE
That’ll be a hoot. Your first ro-de-o?
JANINE
Ro-day-oh?
STEVE
Your first time in these parts? You been hanging out
in Israel and all, and now you want to be a cowgirl?
JANINE
Like I said, I come to learn.
STEVE
Oh, right. I see.
JANINE
So tell me, what else have you been in?
STEVE
Well, I was Mister Greenjeans for a while, with that
sumbitch Kangaroo.
JANINE
Captain Kangaroo? I loved him!
STEVE
I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but that lyin’
snake was never good for so much as a nickle for a
cup of coffee.
7.
8.
JANINE
The Captain?!
STEVE
We’d film the whole week of shows on Tuesdays and
that pathetic drunk was worse than a sailor on leave.
By the fifth episode he’d have gone through a pint of
rye and could barley read the damned cards. Letters
six-inches tall and he’d be slurring his words. Rest
in Peace ya’ cheap son-a-bitch!
JANINE
Wow! Have you been in anything else?
STEVE
Well, I don’t like to talk about it but my main gig
has been Big Bird, for a while now.
JANINE
Wait? You’re Big Bird? You’re pulling my leg!
STEVE
Well, Big Bird is the character I play. That’s all.
JANINE
But that is incredible. Big Bird is loved around the
world!
STEVE
And you think I see one-thin-dime of the royalties,
figurines, animated shorts? Nope! Bupkiss.
JANINE
Really?
STEVE
I told those chiseling mother fuckers they can kiss
my ass.
JANINE
So you’re not Big Bird right now?
STEVE
Oh, yeah. That’s just how you negotiate in the world
of entertainment. The suit and the head are in the
back.
JANINE
(looks back)
I don’t see it.
STEVE
In boxes. Out of the light.
8.
9.
JANINE
Right. So... you’ve met Kermit?
STEVE
Good dude, Kermit. Solid guy. That’s who you want in
the foxhole.
JANINE
But he’s a puppet, right.
STEVE
Kermit, Fozzie Bear, The Count. A Band of Brothers, I
tell you.
JANINE
But... they are not real, right?
STEVE
When you get to play Big Bird, you can tell me if
they are real or not.
JANINE
What do you mean?
STEVE
I’m a strict Method Actor. I went to Lee Strasburg
when I was seventeen. I go back and do summer stock
every year, preparing to be the characters. BE the
characters, not play them, not pretend, not act.
Become the character.
JANINE
Sounds serious.
STEVE
When I put on the big yellow head, I am the big bird.
I AM Big Bird. And is Kermit real? Fozzie? You’re
damned right they are. And I don’t expect you to get
it. I am a specialized professional and it is nearly
impossible for outsiders to truely understand.
JANINE
But why did you tell them to kiss off?
STEVE
God-damned crock of shit, is all. Those New York
bastards thought they could tell me, Big Bird, that I
had to do six shows a week, off Broadway. I told
them, I’m Big Bird dammit! I am a television and film
star! I’m not doing some six-week run at a hundred seat black-box stage in Midtown.
9.
10.
JANINE
What was the show? Like a Sesame Street Review kind
of thing?
STEVE
Fuck no! It was called, “Down from the Nest”. The Big
Bird backstory. “Big Bird, like you’ve never seen him
before!”
JANINE
That sounds kinda fun!
STEVE
Those backstabbing assholes wanted to write a heart wrenching backstory for Big Bird. Whithout consulting
me?! It’s my backstory, god dammit! I developed the
character. I own the backstory. The extended family.
The immigration story from Madagascar, escaping white
slavers and puppy-mill chain pet stores. I dig for
the motivation and the goal-oriented meaning, the
goddamned MEANING!, mother fuckers! And they want to
tell some horseshit story about him coming down from
the forest in Canada. Fucking Bull Hockey!
JANINE
Wow! I had no idea.
STEVE
So I told them to kiss my yellow ass.
JANINE
So what are you doing now?
STEVE
I’m heading to Seattle. There is a PBS station there
that wants to do a pitch for a Big Bird show pilot.
JANINE
(distraught)
So no more Sesame Street?!
STEVE
I think we have the Count on board. I got a verbal
from him, five times, and Grover is in. I’m still
waiting on Oscar the Grouch’s people to be in
contact. The big holdout is Mr. Snuffleupagus. Aside
from me, he’s really the get. It probably won’t work
if Snuffy is not in.
JANINE
You are breaking up The Street? What about Kermit?
10.
(MORE)
11.
STEVE
Kermit has his own gigs. He’ll be fine. Commercials,
endorsements, the Muppet Show. He’s on Easy Street.
JANINE
I thought he said it’s not easy being green?
STEVE
Oh he’s earned it! Let me tell you. The Big K, he’s
earned his bones. Got real chops. He’s been on the
grind for decades. Came out of the Children’s Network
in Boston, at BUR, and never stopped. He’s like a
prize fighter that never let’s himself get out of
shape.
JANINE
He is having a minute.
STEVE
And don’t even get me started with George Lucas.
JANINE
Star Wars, George Lucas?
STEVE
We were filming, six days a week in fucking, hotter
than hell Tunisia, and George says we have to pack up
for the close-ups, in California, in the Mojave
Desert! Shit! There I am in the Chewbacca suit,
sweating my balls off! Jesus!
(realizes)
Oh, sorry! I forgot. You’re a Jew.
JANINE
It’s okay.
STEVE
Yeah, my bad.
JANINE
Hold up. You were Chewbacca?
STEVE
Just in the first three, but the voice was another
guy. You know who was really badass? C3P0. Straight
up, cold-ass pimping. The real Shaft.
JANINE
What does that mean?
STEVE
He had a side thing, during the days on the set. He
would find the local hangouts for the hookers and the
drug dealers.
(MORE)
11.
STEVE (CONT'D)
12.
He made them a special offer to come and service the
cast and crew during the shoot. They loved us, man!
The Hollywood people spent way more money on hookers
and blow than on film and catering. And George? He
was a bad, bad boy.
JANINE
You know, I think you might be full of shit.
STEVE
Yeah, I might be.
JANINE
I think probably.
STEVE
But it makes for a good ride though, eh?
JANINE
That’s true. But I’m kinda getting freaked out. How
about you let me off at this cross roads?
STEVE
You sure? Hot day.
JANINE
Probably for the best.
STEVE
If you say so.
Steve pulls the Ford off the road and Janine gets out.
JANINE
OK. Thanks.
STEVE
Happy trails, cowboy!
They each wave and Steve drives down the road. With no
traffic in sight, Janine sits on her pack and waits. She
looks at the Ford disappearing down the road.
JANINE
That was weird.
She looks up as another vehicle comes along and she sticks
out her thumb. The car stops. An older lady rolls down the
window.
JANINE (CONT'D)
Going west?
The woman nods and Janine gets in. They drive away.
END.