Whys & Finds

He is in the I-can-do-it-myself stage. Give him a few real jobs he can almost manage, and one morning job that fits the time you have.

Show Notes

Why does my toddler want to do everything by himself?

He is in the I-can-do-it-myself stage, and it shows up in shoes, zippers and carrying his own things. You can give him a few real jobs he can manage and keep your help for the rest.

The CDC, the U.S. public health agency, says the "terrible twos" is a term used to describe this stage "as toddlers begin to assert their independence." Raising Children Network, an Australian parenting site supported by the Australian Government, says toddlers this age are "keen to do more things for themselves," but "you'll probably need to help."

They talk about picking jobs he can almost do, and doing them the same way every day. The American Academy of Pediatrics says: "Routines and responsibilities will let your child know what to expect." Ben's better idea for busy mornings: one job that can't make you late, the same every day. They also cover why a big backpack bought to grow into can end up on the parent's shoulder.

Sources:

Whys & Finds is made by Naturally KIDS.
This episode uses AI-generated voices for both hosts.

What is Whys & Finds?

The whys parents and gift-givers ask about little kids, and the finds that actually get used. On Whys & Finds, two hosts, Ellie and Ben, take one question per episode, answer it up front, and are honest about when something else would suit a child better. Both hosts are AI-generated voices. Made by Naturally KIDS.

Ben: You're already late. Your toddler grabs his shoe and says, "Me do it." Ten minutes later the shoe is on the wrong foot, and he still won't let you help. Sound familiar?

Ellie: Welcome to Whys & Finds. I'm Ellie.

Ben: And I'm Ben.

Ellie: Today: why does a toddler want to do everything by himself?

Ellie: He's in the I-can-do-it-myself stage. It shows up in everyday things. Shoes, zippers, carrying his own stuff. Your part is to give him a few real jobs he can manage, and keep your help for the rest.

Ben: So the answer to "why" is "because he's two"?

Ellie: Partly. And there's a public source for it. The CDC, the U.S. public health agency, has a page of parenting tips about toddlers, two to three years old. It says: "The 'terrible twos' is a term used to describe this stage as toddlers begin to assert their independence."

Ben: Assert their independence. At seven in the morning. With one shoe.

Ellie: That's the stage. Notice the CDC's word: "begin." He's only starting.

Ben: Which is why the shoe ends up on the wrong foot.

Ellie: Right.

Ben: Okay, that's the stage. But why does he want to do it himself, even when he can't do it yet?

Ellie: Good question. The CDC gave us the stage. Here's a second source for the other half. Raising Children Network is an Australian parenting site, supported by the Australian Government. On its page about toddlers from two to three, it says: "Around this time, toddlers are keen to do more things for themselves. But they're still learning, so you'll probably need to help."

Ben: Keen to do it. Still learning. You'll probably need to help. That's my whole morning.

Ellie: Both parts are true at once. He wants to do it himself. And you'll still help.

Ben: So "me do it" doesn't mean "you do nothing."

Ellie: No. He does the part he can, and you do the rest.

Ben: Okay. So what do I actually do with a two-year-old who won't let me help?

Ellie: I'd give him jobs that are really his. Small ones. Carry his own snack. Put his shoes by the door. Open his own bag.

Ben: That's a short list.

Ellie: On purpose. Two or three jobs he does every day, the same way, are worth more than ten he tries once and gives up on.

Ben: Why the same way every day?

Ellie: The American Academy of Pediatrics has a page of tips on growing independence in young children. One line there: "Routines and responsibilities will let your child know what to expect."

Ben: So the job becomes part of the routine.

Ellie: That's how I'd use it. Same job, same time, same place.

Ben: How do I know which jobs?

Ellie: Something he can almost do. Not something that ends in tears. He does the part he can, and you help with the rest.

Ben: Let me push on that. He can't open the milk. He wants to open the milk.

Ellie: Then the milk isn't his job yet. Carrying his cup to the table might be.

Ben: He'll still try the milk.

Ellie: He will. And you say, "That one's mine. This one's yours." Same words every time.

Ben: You think that works?

Ellie: Not every time. But it gives him a real yes next to the no.

Ellie: Carrying and packing his own things is a good first job. His snack, his cup, a treasure from the park. He puts them in, he zips it up, he carries it.

Ben: Especially if there's a big brother or sister. The older one packs a bag every morning, and the little one wants to do exactly the same.

Ellie: Right. He sees the big kid do it, and he wants his own bag to pack.

Ben: Here's my worry, though. Why not buy him a big backpack, so it lasts a few years?

Ellie: That's the trap. A big bag on a small child can end up on the parent's shoulder. And the whole point was that he carries it.

Ben: So for this job, smaller wins.

Ellie: For this job, yes. One practical option: Naturally KIDS makes a small backpack, the right size for a child's little shoulders. Room for a snack and a treasure. Padded, adjustable straps and an easy zipper small hands open on their own. There's a removable plush animal on the front. He can take it out for a hug and put it back.

Ben: What kind of animal?

Ellie: There are dinosaur ones, a T-Rex and a triceratops, and unicorns too.

Ben: Okay. Naturally KIDS, the small one. And when it needs a wash?

Ellie: You can machine wash the backpack in cold water on a gentle cycle.

Ben: Good. Because it will need one.

Ben: Can I disagree with one thing, though? You said give him jobs that are really his. That works on a Saturday. On a weekday morning you've got eight minutes, and he wants to do the buckle himself.

Ellie: That's real.

Ben: So I'd say: pick one morning job that can't make you late. Carrying his backpack to the car, say. He does that one every day. The slow jobs, like shoes and buckles, wait for the weekend.

Ellie: You're right. That's better than what I said. One morning job, the same one every day, that fits the time you have. The slow ones go where there's time for them.

Ben: I'll take the win.

Ellie: You earned it.

Ellie: Now, a few different situations. If he already has a bag he likes, use that one. Carrying his own snack in it is a job too.

Ben: As long as he carries it.

Ellie: As long as he carries it. If he'd rather have a different animal, the same small backpack comes with a dog, a giraffe or a frog.

Ben: And if his daycare has its own rules about bags?

Ellie: Then follow the daycare's list. At home, give him another carrying job. His cup to the table. His shoes to the door.

Ben: So the job matters more than the bag.

Ellie: Right. The jobs matter more than the stuff.

Ben: Okay, let me see if I've got it. One: the CDC says this is the stage when toddlers begin to assert their independence. Two: Raising Children Network says toddlers this age are keen to do more things for themselves, but you'll probably need to help. Three: give him two or three real jobs he can almost do, the same way every day. The American Academy of Pediatrics says routines and responsibilities will let your child know what to expect. Four: one morning job that fits the time you have. And five: if he carries his own bag, pick one his size, not one to grow into.

Ellie: You've got it.

Ellie: That's it for today. A reminder: the voices in this episode are AI-generated. Whys & Finds is made by Naturally KIDS.

Ellie: That's today's why. See you at the next find.