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Every culture (family) has distinctive motivations for doing things, but they all have definite pattern and logic, they all provide order and direction within the culture (family). We need a valid cognitive styles model to help us understand the motives and actions of other people, to predict behavior, and sidestep conflict.
Now yesterday, we, did something a little bit different in that we didn't do a new teaching, but did a lot of re review, I should say, I guess, of the those first three. The, responding the oh, I can never remember. I mean, the responding, which is the time and event, the dividing, how we divide up the world, which is dichotomy and holism, and how we go about making decisions or, giving directions or receiving directions, which is our directive and selective continuum. So today, we're going to be talking about striving or, in other words, accomplishment. How do we go about achieving a goal?
Connie Smith:So this is divided in the continuum is, on the left is individual effort. Otherwise, the guy who's out there going it alone, often what, referred to as the lone war lone wolf method. I'm not sure why that is a phrase because a wolf usually goes in packs, but then that's the idiom. So the lone wolf, the one who can do it on his own or thinks he can anyway, who walks out to do it on his own or her own. And then on the right, we have those who do things within a group, within a relationship kind of thing.
Connie Smith:Okay? So all of us have ambitions and goals that we wanna accomplish. Some of us strive towards those goals alone, and some of us strive towards those goals by being, in some kind of a special limited partnership with others. Those of the, accomplishment don't mind working in a group. But when the group becomes the focus, they step out of the group or or leave the group behind, and they move on on their own.
Connie Smith:The, the relationship people, everything is determined by the us group. Now it's interesting that the relationship one is on the right side, but, but, some of this I was trying to explain how it relates to, dichotomy, but that that gets too caught. Let's let let let's let loose of that one. So accomplishment through individual effort. Those of us with this orientation have a comp oh, let's start with this.
Connie Smith:Okay. With that in mind now, let's go around and see who scored what.
Mike Banker:Okay. How about Carmen? Go ahead.
Carmen:12. Relationship.
Connie Smith:Okay. So relationship is what number?
Carmen:12. 12.
Connie Smith:Okay. So you're really right in the middle.
Carmen:Oh, really? Oh.
Connie Smith:Okay. So you you you have tendencies towards both. Neither tendency being stronger than the other, but a tad more to relationships. Mhmm. But that will not be an often kind of thing.
Connie Smith:My guess is that comes only under necessity. Alright?
Mike Banker:Uh-huh.
Carmen:I'm an 8.
Connie Smith:Okay. So this says that you're beginning to show signs, of the, in the individual effort, but you're really still quite doing things in relationship. Most of most of your stuff is done through relationships, though you're far enough along on the continuum that there are times when you step out and just go take care of it yourself.
Mike Banker:Okay? Hey, Michelle.
Carmen:I'm 5.
Connie Smith:Okay. So Michelle is quite quite relationship, and I imagine you have a difficult time to be able to set out on your own. And Yes. Head for a goal, take your goal and run with it. You want to have people come along with you and not just support you in it, but support towards the goal.
Connie Smith:Yes. K?
Mike Banker:Okay. Stone?
Carmen:I'm all 14.
Connie Smith:Oh, boy. Okay. So you are tending towards individual, which I would say probably is just knowing a little bit about you, that that's just a pretty accurate thing that you can work within relationships. But you do best when you begin to take charge and do it yourself. Yep.
Mike Banker:Okay. Cindy?
Connie Smith:8. Alright. So you are able to you're definitely still very much towards relationships, but you can take on things on your own.
Mike Banker:Okay. And, doctor Randy? Doctor Randy, did you have a a score on this?
Connie Smith:No. I didn't. I don't I don't know if I missed this.
Mike Banker:Oh, okay. The, the what
Connie Smith:we did that that first Yeah. That's why. Probably. Well, I don't know why.
Mike Banker:Yeah. There's a questionnaire I sent out in a separate email that's Okay.
Carmen:You mean the
Mike Banker:in there. So
Connie Smith:yeah. Yeah. Okay. Alright. Okay.
Connie Smith:Anyway, I would encourage that. No. No problem. But what I would encourage you to do is to catch up, from the beginning on those so that that you have a have a score to relate to like everybody else does. Okay?
Connie Smith:You you probably have that still in the information that Mike gave.
Mike Banker:Yeah. There's an email that says questionnaire. That's where it is. Okay. I was 14.
Carmen:Same as mine.
Mike Banker:Yeah. That's right.
Connie Smith:Get along very well as long as you are not battling over the same thing.
Mike Banker:That is a good point. Patty, how where do you land?
Connie Smith:Alright. I am an 8, which surprised me because I I have spent many things in my life way over on the individual side, leaving this. Well, it's amazing when I go through when even when we talk. I think I'm much more I am much more individual effort than I am, relationship. I'm not saying that because that's better.
Connie Smith:I just know what goes on inside of me.
Carmen:Tonya, why why did it happen to you couple of times that your score does not show that, you know, will we Because this the,
Connie Smith:because the questionnaire didn't hit on a particular piece of of information that I had reacted more individualistic. That was all. Again, I would say I tend I tend towards relationships. I'm definitely not a loner. Okay?
Connie Smith:But there are times when, in order to get the job done, all of the this, the really the, the group there was no group to that was willing to go there. So I went ahead and did it myself. That that's all. And the questionnaire just didn't quite hit that.
Mike Banker:Okay.
Carmen:So, Mike, did you keep a score of everyone, every, topic?
Mike Banker:Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Carmen:Okay. I might need I think I just do it on the and then I did not save it, so I'll get it from you later.
Mike Banker:Yep. I have it for each one. So yep.
Carmen:Okay. Good. Thank you.
Connie Smith:So is that everybody?
Mike Banker:Yeah. I think so. Yep. Mhmm.
Connie Smith:Okay. Alright. So see if you can then begin to identify yourself as to why you scored what you scored or whether you think the scores are, not quite where you would put yourself. And remember, are these scores definitive? No.
Connie Smith:No. Are these scores definitive? I should have an answer from everybody. No. Thank you.
Connie Smith:Thank you. Are these scores a matter of character? No. No. No.
Connie Smith:Alright. Hey. Isn't this exciting? My teaching must be good. It's getting across.
Connie Smith:These are mere indicators. Nobody that you observe in trying to figure out where they are, will you find out whether they're a 7 or an 8? But you will have them tending towards and tending towards. K? Alright.
Connie Smith:So those of us with the orientation of accomplishing things through our individual effort often focus on our goals as a reason for living. Now remember, when you're doing a teaching, you teach from the from the extreme. Otherwise, you can't see the differences. Does this mean then that everybody who is has an individual effort only does this because it helps identify who they are or their purpose in life. No.
Connie Smith:Okay? But that would might be a tendency for some. So those of us with this orientation of accomplishing things through our individual effort often focus on our goals as our reason for living. We can be independent and determined. We stress personal achievement above all else.
Connie Smith:So a person who is very competitive is going to fall where on this scale, on this continuum? High. High. Pardon? High.
Connie Smith:High. Oh, high on what? On the scale. You you said where on the scale where they've got? Where on the scale on the continuum?
Connie Smith:You're gonna score high, which makes the what? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Right.
Connie Smith:Alright. Even even members of a competitive team have to learn how to work with that team in order to accomplish the goal of winning. But each one of those is out to gain the what is it? The most most important MVP. Uh-huh.
Connie Smith:Most valuable player? Yes. Okay. Because they would not be in this if winning was not the goal. But everyone on that Anyway, that's enough of that.
Connie Smith:Okay. We stress personal achievement above all else. Even our families often come second. In fact, if friends and family try to stop us, we can go it alone. And I think the one of the reasons that I feel I am more of the individual is this has been the the history of my life, is that if I feel that this is a goal I should go after, and I can't get anybody to go with me.
Connie Smith:I have no problem setting out and doing it. Even though, I would have preferred some to go with me, but I haven't I remember, I've often said that there's only been a couple of times in my life that I've had to be obedient to God. Because in in my in my personal definition of obedient is doing something, doing something being told to do something that you don't wanna do. And most everything I've god has ever asked us to me to do, I've been right on board. But there's been 2 times, at least in my life, maybe 3, that I've actually had to be obedient.
Connie Smith:And, even going to the mission field in the first place was one of those, But it it occurred way back in oh, I can remember growing up doing that same thing. So we are activists concerned with making things work. People are not a high priority, but we stress individual rights to the point where these become before the good of society. So there is where I would I would not that would not be part of my thinking. So, obviously, I'm not clear to an extreme on individual.
Connie Smith:Maybe that's why I can balance off back here because my concern, would not be my rights over anybody else or over anything else. But I would make sure that I knew what my rights were. But if these are my rights, then they're also your rights. So we when we join a team, we maintain our individual freedom and unite our efforts only if we and the team benefit. Thus, I think the ballgame of whatever it is that has most valuable players and all of that, I don't know what that one is.
Connie Smith:But even those those sports teams, why you can be confident through winning the game through individual effort is because you're tied together now with somebody who who if you do your part and they do their part, we we make it. Let's see. We have compassion, but often our humanitarianism can be highly organized and impersonal. It was an amazing thing to me to in several of the countries where we work either for a short time or a longer time or whatever, the, the attitude amongst believers, in their criticism of of the cross cultural workers that came to bring them God. Heard from several different countries the idea, for instance, that you brought us schools not because you cared about our the not because you cared about the education of our children.
Connie Smith:You brought us schools so that you could tell us about Christ, so that you could convert us. You brought us hospitals, not because you cared whether we lived or died. No. I'm saying the attitude that they picked up. They but the attitude that if we build this school, if we build this hospital, we'll have first of all, we'll be able to help the people.
Connie Smith:But more importantly, we're gonna, to help them so that we have them in a position where we can tell them about Christ. And they felt that that the goal of bringing us to Christ was more important than we were. Isn't that an interesting an interesting concept for the receivers? Now not everybody, reacted that way, but this was reactions that we got when we went. I mean, it was amazing, some of the things that that we were told and how they did.
Connie Smith:For instance, these cross cultural workers that come to tell us and give us the Bible, they don't believe that we deserve to know anything about the Old Testament. All they talk about is the New Testament. So what we want in this project is we want the whole Bible. We do not want just the New Testament. We want the whole Bible.
Connie Smith:We think we deserve to have all of God's word. Interesting how this you see, this is the same thing about, friendship evangelism that I was sold. It's the goal of bringing them to Christ that feeds the the friendship rather than a love for the person. Now that sounds really, really, really weird, but I tell you, the guy on the other end knows that. They feel it.
Connie Smith:You they feel it. So even if you're working with people in PR or any other relationship, if you if they feel that your goal is more important than they are, there's going to be a block between you. And that's that's not a word from God. That was Connie speaking, but it was Connie speaking after years of relating to people. We have compassion, but our humanitarianism can be highly organized and impersonal.
Connie Smith:Many of us are uncomfortable around people in need. The almsgiving in some cultures we find repulsive. We prefer to help others help themselves through training programs. Well, that that I would go with. We make great doctors and project leaders because we are not emotionally involved so we can make unbiased decisions.
Connie Smith:This happens this happens to me under stress is that I don't react in stress in a stressful situation. I've I pay for it afterwards. But at the moment, I'm calm. I'm cool. I can give directions.
Connie Smith:I can take directions. I can problem here to be solved. Let's solve it. I'm not saying these things out of pride that I'm so good. Okay?
Connie Smith:I'm saying this is in studying these things, this is what I began to see in my life. It's like the leadership that I talked about. There's a thing here. We need somebody to tell us what to do. Nobody is telling us what to do.
Connie Smith:We we are lost. Okay. I will step up, and I will say, alright. We can go this way or we can go this way or we can do that. And, I think this is, Richard was an absolute born problem solver.
Connie Smith:And, so to us, to both of us, to every problem, there is a solution. Problems are only there for you to get over, under, around, and so on. We had a song in in, in Wycliffe in those early days. Got any rivers you think are uncrossable? Got any mountains you can't tunnel through?
Connie Smith:Well, god specializes in things thought impossible. And in the end, I can never remember that last line, but the last two lines, but the end is that there's not anything. He's he is the god of impossibilities. So everything, there's an answer. It may not be one we want.
Connie Smith:But, anyway, now that would be someone who, is striving through individual that I I can step up that way. Sometimes I get into trouble for doing that because it wasn't my place. Right? Okay. Accomplishment.
Connie Smith:It's also interesting that even though I knew from the age of 8 that I was going to be a missionary, a cross cultural worker, that, it wasn't until I was in this 7th 8th grade where I had the same teacher and the same classroom for both years. That I never ever thought about what I was going to be doing, what was going to be my venue of being this mission until this marvelous teacher from Pennsylvania came to this little tiny town. You know, you guys talk of of small towns of 20,000. This town was a 125. 7th and 8th grade were one class.
Connie Smith:I mean, teacher that teacher taught 7th 8th grade in the same classroom. And I think there were maybe 8 or 9 of us in the 8th, 7th grade, and 4 or 5 or more in the 8th grade. But, anyway, this this man was, anyway, he was pretty remarkable. But because I was such a good student and everything, though, that was my first case of actual rebellion and playing hooky and all of that. Anyway, that's that's a story for another day.
Connie Smith:He said to me one time that I would make a great doctor, And that led me to on a on a path to being a doctor. So on and so forth. By the time I graduated from high school, I was all set to go to a women's medical college in Pennsylvania. I don't think it even exists anymore. I've I've it it was just all set.
Connie Smith:But oh, dear. Anyway, that summer, god said to at the end of the summer, god said to me as I was going to have to now register for college, god said to me, honey, I'm not asking you to be a doctor of men's physical being, but a doctor of men's souls. Mhmm. You can imagine me who is is very accomplishment by whatever matter, accomplishment, and now I had no goal. But he gave me that goal because I changed high schools every year, and, I got lost in the system.
Connie Smith:And it kept me able to keep my grades up and my education and so on and so forth so I could go to if I had not had that encouragement, I I don't know what would have become of me. But, anyway, enough stories about Connie. She is not the center of this, believe it or not. Alright. So now we have accomplishments through relationships, And we'll go back and well, we'll do more about, illustrations.
Connie Smith:Those of us who strive to accomplish through relationships stress the importance of personal interactions between ourselves and those close to us. We are dependent on our group for guidance and affirmation. Harmony and preservation of the group are priority goals. Now you can read all of this for yourself, but it helps me to formulate thoughts in some order since I'm not a very organized person. For the matzah no.
Connie Smith:No. Since our identity is tied to the group, we will hold the same values and aims as our group. We may put aside our personal ambitions or even our personal desires, for the sake of the group. For the matzah, this meant that Jose and his wife were under the direction of the communal house chief. Remember, the village is this communal house that everybody lived in, and we had a house chief.
Connie Smith:And he became house chief because those that came to live there, it was sort of with the idea of we will do what the house chief says. If we don't wanna do what the house chief says, then we leave and go to go to another village until we can find a house chief we're willing to be under because harmony was very important. The house chief could ask Jose to go catch fish for the day, and Jose would naturally obey. Not out of fear or punishment, but because cooperating maintained harmony. Harmony was utmost important to these people.
Connie Smith:They were at at basically a step or 2 up from, survival, living. They were basically hunters and gatherers and, the the strong the healthy and strong
Mike Banker:were,
Connie Smith:kept healthy and strong at the expense often of the weaker as was evidenced by their taboo food taboos and and different things. Because you need the healthy and the strong to provide for the whole, and you need the healthy and strong to protect the rest of the people. So not out of fear or, a punishment, but because cooperating maintained harmony. Anger was one of the worst things you could be, and it was up to you to go out into the jungle and spend time fasting and meditating and doing what you needed to do to come back into harmony. Didn't matter what they had done to you.
Connie Smith:Anger was did not maintain harmony, so anger was a terrible thing. So the the the common good, not out of fear or punishment, but because cooperating maintain harmony, the common good and safety of the group. People from the other side of the continuum do not not understand the naga from, not in Burma, really. Myanmar, I guess it's called now, something like that. He came to California Mhmm.
Connie Smith:To university because the elders made the decision of where he was to go, what he was to study, nor can they understand how the same man will allow his parents and family. So the questions became, what are you going to do? Well, he hasn't been told yet. Who, will he get married? He didn't know because the group had not told him.
Connie Smith:Well, would you choose your own? Oh, no. If the the group would choose my because they know best. The elders would choose, who my wife would be and so on down the line. Those of us from this accomplishment through individual effort just don't get that at all.
Connie Smith:But, nor did this, young Naga man get this insistent of, people. How did they go out there and make their own choices without people who knew better, that experienced life? How could they go and make decisions on their own without these kind of people? Oh, okay. The naga world is light years away from the extreme extreme left of this continuum.
Connie Smith:This continuum helps to explain the motivation behind those who use organizational or project funds for personal use. This is a big, big problem, at least in Africa, in the church. Big problem, particularly well, I don't wanna say particularly. It's just a big problem. This continuum helps to explain the motivation behind those who use organizational or project funds for personal use.
Connie Smith:If Aziz has charge of the church money, and uncle Mustapha has an urgent need for the money, culturally, Aziz is under great obligation and pressure to allow uncle to have it. It will do very little good to lecture on honesty or theft because both Aziz and uncle Mustafa will be in agreement, in full agreement, that to steal is morally wrong, and they will claim innocence on all counts and as well the entire congregation. They do not understand why those that have given the the project or the church money, why they don't get this? Why are you so upset? In their minds, theft and personal gain were not the issue with the need of the group.
Connie Smith:If you are not part of this group, however however that is defined, they will treat you as an outsider in virtually every way. This is well illustrated in Morocco where the or this orientation is very, very strong. There is much compassion and help for those in the in group, but the little old lady not in the in group may be trampled in the rush to get on or off the bus. It is very difficult to get those of this orientation, the, relationship one, to step outside of their group to give even humanitarian need, humanitarian aid. This orientation is the basis for the tribal wars of Africa, Eastern Europe, and many, many, many parts of the world.
Connie Smith:The in group, the us versus them. Because in these societies, the group is the most important to the point that, we we saw this very strongly. The, when these participants in this course were invited, to live for the 6 weeks we were in language formal language learning, we everybody lived individually in a Moroccan home. And you were subject then to the to the network of that family. Now many of those, the invitation for that came from a university student who was had some connection with the language center in the learning of English.
Connie Smith:And so, that university student, network was the only one that and the family network was the only one that the person living in that home could relate to. So at one point, one of the participants picked up a conversation and a contact when he was on his own doing something else and started a friendship with outside of this group. And the group was highly offended, highly offended because they could not provide for him all that he needed. He had to go outside the group. So, therefore, they had failed.
Connie Smith:Wow. So it's important to understand those kind of things. But let me tell you, they were so closely in this group, in this family group, and all of it. Remember I said that we, one of our the participant traced how many people is in the network that I am in. And just for the little time she was there, she found 3,500
Mike Banker:Mhmm.
Connie Smith:People that was in that network. So it's not like you're dealing with 4 people over here, and there's a million out here. Okay? But you became so close in this group that you became a family member. And one of our fellows, who was, like, 25, 26 years old, came in late 1 night, and he was reamed by mama Mhmm.
Connie Smith:Because he had not had permission to be out that late, and he had not told her where he was going to be. So there's real advantages, but there's also some disadvantages. But all in all, you you learn to to work with it.
Carmen:Mhmm.
Connie Smith:So, anyway, let's continue. So now we're going to go back. That was an overview. So now we're going to go through, and give some more illustration. So people who accomplished through individual effort focus on the achieving of goals with the time frame in mind.
Connie Smith:These goals may be for personal wealth, prestige, and power, or for selfless purpose like eradicating hunger, disease, and abuse in the world. So these people are dependent are, through individual effort. Okay. These these people are dependent on others only when necessary. They're self starters.
Connie Smith:They are willing to well, we'll get to sacrifice, but they just have no problem going it alone. They are competitive. I can see this very much in the Christian life, with people who want to be the best, but you see in the scripture too. Who's who's going to be the most favored? Save me a seat beside you.
Connie Smith:Talking to Jesus.
Mike Banker:Mhmm. The evening.
Connie Smith:And, so on. The need to to accomplish best, better, all of that. They are self confident. Self confident does not mean self centered. Self centeredness is wrong no matter what side you're on, but it's always very good to be self confident, not to the point that you can do it without anybody.
Connie Smith:That's pride.
Carmen:Is she stuck?
Mike Banker:Yep. I think so. So, Connie, you're stuck.
Connie Smith:I'm still moving. So
Mike Banker:So, Connie, you, you went you you left us for about a minute there, I think.
Connie Smith:Oh, okay. Alright. So am I back? You're back. Yeah.
Connie Smith:Yes, ma'am. And you guys are all wiggling around, so you must be unfrozen too. So whatever happened there, I'll try to Well, the last thing you said was self confidence Yeah. Is the pride or something like that. So, they are independent.
Connie Smith:We talked about that and competitive and that they need to there's a drive to be first or the best, to win, and they are self confident. And remember that self confident does not mean that, I am self self absorbed or that I am self, self first. That's not what self confidence means. Self confidence means that I am competent, that even if I don't know something, I know how to find somebody who is competent. So this is this is not out of, pride because pride is wrong in any side.
Connie Smith:Putting yourself first is wrong on any side or any place on the continuum, but self confident is a very good trait to have. Doesn't mean that you think yourself better than somebody else. It means that I can get on with living my life. Does that sound familiar to the whole teaching on competence?
Mike Banker:Mhmm. Yes.
Connie Smith:And okay. So we mustn't confuse self confidence with self pride.
Carmen:Yeah. Lovely. Lots of
Connie Smith:Or lack of confidence with,
Mike Banker:Humbleness.
Connie Smith:With what? With humbleness. Yeah. Yeah. Mhmm.
Connie Smith:Okay. Let's see what we have over here for suggestions. Alright. They, the individual effort people strive to reach definite goals as set by themselves or society. I remember the story of the man who determined to be a millionaire by the time he was 30, and he succeeded in his goals.
Connie Smith:And by that time, he had rejected had stepped away from his family. He had gotten married and divorced. He had nobody that he could that he could call his friend, and his health was in tatters. But he'd achieved his goal. Now that's negative.
Connie Smith:But positive is that they are purposeful in life. People of this orientation probably always have a purpose. They probably always have a purpose for living. They have a goal they are trying to achieve. The opposite of that would be those who depend on other people, which would be the other side of the continuum with people with are people without a purpose, an individual purpose in living, and they are frustrated by it.
Carmen:Connie, can I ask a question? I am on the the site. You know? I'm 5 or 6, but, I do feel like I live my life with a purpose every day. And, also Yeah.
Carmen:So that's why, you know, when you describe the the individual effort have purpose, the, relationship, People don't have the individual purpose.
Connie Smith:Oh, I see. That that they often don't have a an individual purpose for living.
Carmen:I mean, yeah. And the purpose of this purpose
Connie Smith:it's more determined by the group than it is by them. And if they don't have a group who has a has a, vision or a a purpose, then they're kinda lost. Now that is some. Not everyone, has all of the symptoms.
Carmen:Mhmm.
Connie Smith:It's just like if you have a headache, you're not going to go through the 979 things that also have all the other symptoms that go along with the 970 other things that cause headaches. Okay? You you're you're trying to define this too limited. Whether or not your group, whether or not you are oriented at either side, you yourself have grown in some area of your life because of your upbringing, because I became more individualistic because of my upbringing. I I I could see that.
Connie Smith:So it could be you made choices out out of your upbringing. It could be when you found God that that would became the purpose in your life, and you became part of a, and he's the one that has given you your purpose. Yep. Mhmm. And
Carmen:okay. What I was going to say.
Michelle:It's not connected to the in a group.
Connie Smith:This is not a fault, people. This is not a fault, nor is it representative of every, person who is not individual that that is, group oriented. Okay? Mhmm. Please.
Connie Smith:When you go to the doctor this is the problem. This is the problem when you look up a name of a disease in on the Internet, and you get this long list of symptoms that are possible, there isn't anybody that has ever had all of those symptoms. Okay? So we don't need to treat those symptoms because they don't have them. But they have enough of the symptoms that do need to be treated that when they're altogether, says by the doctor because he's the expert at this one, that says this is what you have.
Connie Smith:Most people who go to the Internet to find their problem instead of to the expert, most of the people most layman would go and they would think, oh, well, I, you know, I had a twinge in my right eye yesterday or 14 days ago, I did. And so that must mean that I have retinitis. And if I have that, I'm going blind. Oh, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go blind.
Connie Smith:And we run down that list, and we find all the symptoms that all this could be. And it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way. Okay? But I would say that an individual effort person has in themselves determined a goal, however they came about it.
Connie Smith:But a person who is more relate pardon?
Mike Banker:Oh, sorry.
Connie Smith:Am I out of it again? No. We can hear you.
Mike Banker:Denise keeps dropping things to the floor. There's been a lot of noise. It's
Connie Smith:Oh, okay. So it's Denise's fault, not mine. She did it, but the person with the group does not have individual purpose if it is different than the purpose of the group. That's a general statement that would appear on the group on the individual effort not on the individual effort side, but on the group side. K?
Connie Smith:I I I think, I was just trying to watch the time. 9:30, 30. Well, we'll go a little bit more. Does that clear that up?
Carmen:Yes. Yes. Yes. I think the
Connie Smith:Nor does it mean that No. Every person with as individual effort has a purpose and works toward it?
Carmen:Yeah. I think what you said is it's it's true. It's when I found God, I found purpose, and it's not connected to my group or whatever association. Yeah. Right.
Carmen:I just wanna point that out. I understand what you're saying.
Connie Smith:And in fact, you are it difficult for you to leave your family behind as you move forward in fulfilling the goal that god gave you. We had, okay. Good. This is a really good example. We had a couple in, colleagues in, when we we worked in Colombia.
Connie Smith:And, the wife was was from an Italian family. We saw this in in dealing with, cross culture workers. Most of the countries we lived in, we saw this problem. That one of the one or other of the spouse was of the, relationship orientation. And it was really, really, really hard.
Connie Smith:It was a sacrifice for them to leave their family and go to a foreign country. It wasn't being in the foreign country that was the problem. The problem came because I can't help but miss my family. Now the others that are around them, I mean, she can even cry even though she's been away from them now for several years. She can still weep because she misses being with them.
Connie Smith:Okay? The individual effort one didn't cost him a sacrifice. He just went on out there and got all wrapped up in his goal and his plans and the fulfillment thereof. And he's out there. He may even be out there with a group, but he's out there with individual effort.
Connie Smith:He maybe thinks of his family. He may even be concerned about his family, but not to the point that I've even thought about him for this week because I've been busy looking at this stuff. But the people around us, around this this woman, could not understand why she was still fussing fussing over. If you're so miserable out here with this, well, just go home. Go back home.
Connie Smith:Instead of understanding, she's perfectly content to be here. But give her a little grace and let her grieve the fact that she's not with her family. Okay? Now don't count that up to spiritual maturity, please. Just take the value of which I gave it here as an illustration of how we, individual effort people can make judgments harshly on those who are not there.
Connie Smith:Okay? So we're purposeful, and determined, overcome all obstacles. We'll go it alone if necessary. Sacrifice to attain a goal, and we'll pursue till it's end. I'll tell you.
Connie Smith:Good illustration here. 1 of my classes in college this is such a silly one. 1 of my classes in college was, craft making. I I was in by this time, I changed my major four times, but at this point, I'm finally in an education major. And one of my classes was how to do, ideas and ways to do crafts with with the children.
Connie Smith:Okay? So the assignment was to, to do a craft and present it to the class. I chose basket weaving, and I thought, not that I was terribly interested in basket weaving, but that was my choice. I could not make this basket come out like I wanted it. And literally, literally, from the time I've finished my classes, got home from work, and sat down, I worked clear through the night into the time.
Connie Smith:It was time to I did didn't take one wink of sleep. I worked on this stupid basket to get it to do what I wanted it to do because I wanted it to be right. I wanted it to stand by itself, and I couldn't keep it from leaning one way or another. And I worked on that thing. I rewove this.
Connie Smith:I rewove that. I took it all out. I put it all back together. I took half of it out. Oh, dear me.
Connie Smith:So I didn't finish it, and I was not satisfied with it when it was time to take it to class. My goal was to make that thing what I wanted it to be, and I sacrificed the whole night's sleep to get it done and still was disappointed because it was not not right. Teacher had was not looking at the finished product at all. It was that you had completed the assignment and actually did bring in something. So I would say at that case, that was in wherever else I might be on any continuum, that was this individual effort and at the point of sacrificing and persevering to the end, receiving a goal.
Connie Smith:Oh, these people are so odd. Okay. Relationship people need to accomplish personal goals. No. No.
Connie Smith:That's wrong. Yes. I'm on the wrong page. Okay. So, individual effort people need to accomplish personal goals as a priority in living.
Connie Smith:They will cut off important relationships to do so. They will stand alone rather than conform. And you can see that there then words used like ambitious, They will stand alone rather than conform if they can better reach their goals than endurance sticking to the job rather than conforming to whatever their goal is. They may forsake their friends to pursue their goals and become friends with those who have the same goals. What we found in leaving our friends here to pursue our goal there, even those who might have have been supporting us and sending us out to do this, that when we came back, there were those who wanted to know what we had done so that they they related to what we had done, and they wanted to hear it all.
Connie Smith:Remember, we came back from jungle camp, and and these people that we that had we were staying with in the states said, we wanna see every slide. So we stayed up basically all night watching slides. Slides, by the way, are the the way we used to see pictures or photos before we had things like computers. Just for those of you that are younger, so much younger. But we also found that there were those whose lives had gone on as they, ran after their goals, and our lives had gone on after our goals.
Connie Smith:And when we got back, we really didn't have much to talk about. And some of those, even though they may continue to support us, some who had not supported us, but some who would continue to support us, but they were never personally involved with us as far as relationship and not because they couldn't grasp and had not interest in what we were doing. And I know I certainly couldn't relate to even the problems when the church of what color paint to paint a wall Mhmm. And all the angst that goes into making those decisions. Not that I was better, but I, being more individualistic, they were not that in no way shape or form was part of my goal.
Connie Smith:So they will die for a worthy cause, and they will recruit or utilize others to accomplish their goals. What is the difference? What would be the difference? Think about this. What would be the difference that they utilize others to accomplish their goals versus being a relationship oriented to accomplish your goals.
Connie Smith:Well Come on. Yoo hoo. 1 one is
Mike Banker:one is just using people to get to their goal. Mhmm. They're they're acting out of their orientation, but in a in a very ungodly way.
Connie Smith:I I wouldn't put it ungodly. Okay. Wow. Because not necessarily using up people. That's why I make a difference.
Connie Smith:I make a difference between using people and utilizing people. God doesn't use people. God does not use people. God utilizes people.
Mike Banker:Yes. Yeah. I totally agree.
Connie Smith:Okay. So I know
Michelle:that use utilize versus use, which I knew that there must have been another meaning in there because Uh-huh. Use is such a negative word. Right.
Connie Smith:And that's why we didn't losing. Yeah. I I have a lot of I have a lot of English vocabulary that, I have my definition for. And so I don't use the common definition for it. I try to find another word, and use is one of those.
Connie Smith:Used to me as it but so
Carmen:Maybe In
Connie Smith:this case, they recruit or utilize others to accomplish their goal versus those who are relationship oriented, who use the who are part of the group to accomplish the goal. Maybe
Michelle:that last statement again because I didn't quite see the contrast. Alright.
Connie Smith:Where is the where is the This says this says that you're you're working with others to accomplish your goal. This is a re this is an individual effort person. They will recruit and or utilize others to accomplish their goals. Okay? Versus versus the the, relationship, accomplisher, works with people all the time to accomplish their goals.
Carmen:So it's it feels like that
Connie Smith:Both of them are okay.
Carmen:Yeah. The individual f four people will clap who have a similar goal and then build a relationship with them. And for the relationship oriented people, they, they have this relationship first, and then they will do what they they will they probably have a goal within the groups. Is that like that?
Connie Smith:Well, in a sense, yes. Yes. The individual, if my goal is to build a house, and I'm not a contractor, but my goal is to get this house built, I may go out and hire or get somebody to volunteer to come and, frame the house. Okay? I may I may utilize, someone else who's the plumber.
Connie Smith:I'm not doing the job myself, but I'm utilizing others to get the job done. Okay? For my goal. They don't have the goal that I have. Their goal is to put my plumbing in or to, put the framework up.
Connie Smith:My goal is to build the get the house built. Okay? The the relationship people, together, we have decided that we are going to build this house, and that as we work together and as we hire or have a volunteer come in to do the job, we will tend to try to find somebody who wants to help build this house even though they may, we may actually hire a professional to do it. But they won't necessarily have the goal, but all of us in our house building group will have that house thing in go. And so this house gets built out of the relationship that we have.
Connie Smith:Very often, this relationship might even be together. So we have plumbers and and framers and painters and plumbers and electricians in this group. And we, as a group, have decided that we want to build this house. Mhmm. And so we may all work together to do that.
Connie Smith:But it is the group's goal, not any one individual. And so we are in a relationship that determine the goal and the relationship that saw the goal through. We may utilize somebody from the outside because we don't have the expert in this, but it's our goal. And we all participate, and we all have succeeded with the goal when the job is done. The individual may utilize these the same contractor that the that's part of this other group.
Connie Smith:But he doesn't have a relationship with him, except, the the relationship of of, what would that one be called? Not reciprocity, but it's, a a client. It's like a you go to the grocery store. You have a relationship that you have with the grocer is that, you go to buy groceries from him, and he sells you the groceries. That's the relationship that you have.
Connie Smith:But in with the individual, it's his goal, and he uses he utilizes people to accomplish that goal. So he is satisfied with the goal without ever having any kind of a relationship with the people. Or he may have a relationship, but it's not that relationship that has the goal. His friends may want to help him accomplish his goal. Okay.
Connie Smith:So he utilizes those of them, yes, that can be used. But it's not it's still his goal, not theirs. Relationship 1, it's the group. It's make wants this done. They may even want to do it for one member of the of the group.
Connie Smith:So we're all gonna have a barn raising, and we're all gonna come together on Saturday. We're gonna work together. We're gonna accomplish this goal, getting this barn up.
Carmen:And, Connie, I have a example here, that's probably, just fit what you there's a project. The the the leader was the individual. So but there's someone who was recruited to join this project. She's a very relational, of course. You know?
Carmen:So she joining thinking there's going to be a lot of fellowship community. Yeah. That was not. So that that create conflict or misunderstanding. And I think understanding these two continue, tendency or orientation is very helpful to see why the conflict happened.
Connie Smith:We had a mission board, have Richard in to interview him to see whether they wanted to support us or not in what we were doing. That's why we were in the the work in Colombia. Yeah. And which was a very small group of people. And the attitude, was I don't know that this fits at this continuum, but the attitude was, well, we are not sure that you are making by us supporting this small group of pay that we are making the most, we're going to get the most bang for our buck.
Connie Smith:Because even if we reached them all, you're only gonna reach maybe 4 or 500 people. And look at the is that cost effective? And so where would this guy be? Well, this this guy was A range a range way over here on accomplishing a goal, which was the disbursement of his money for the most effective, efficient way possible. Anyway, I I the other point of this was, don't get involved in social gospel when they found that we were doing medical work.
Connie Smith:Don't get involved in social gospel, which was the social gospel at the time that we were going out, was a very negative thing because the gospel very seldom ever got, got put into the social work. So Richards Richards said, yes. But sometimes sometimes you have to keep people alive long enough for them to hear you. Accomplishment then through relationships. People who are concerned with accomplishing their goals through relationships focus on personal interaction between themselves and those close to them.
Connie Smith:These can be family, clan, tribe, alliance, or colleagues. This this continuum is such an important one for understanding how we get a job done, how we make relationships, who we can make relationships with. And, while there needs to be understanding, of course, from both sides, remember, being one side or the other of a continuum isn't sinful or not sinful. It's what you do with it. It's what you do with it.
Connie Smith:Choices that you make of how to act and react. So these people are dependent on the group. They are field dependent. They are dependent on on the group. They need to function as part of a team so they are more socialized than the other side.
Connie Smith:Some of your great accomplishers of in in individual, accomplishment are really kind of social misfits if they're too far over on the on the on the continuum. And some just plain burnout. They need I say, the identity is derived from the group's values and aims. There is sensitivity to the feelings and thoughts of others in the group. They have just as many definite goals as the individual guy.
Connie Smith:But these these goals are determined through interaction with others, with the family, the clan, the team, the partners. I remember, just, for I for identity kind of things. I can remember when Teresa was a was a a child. She just couldn't understand. I'm not American.
Connie Smith:I'm not an American. I'm not American. I'm a WIC kid. I'm a WIC kid. I'm a WIC kid.
Connie Smith:And it's interesting. For the most part, today, she's 60 years old and still her identity This is a weak kid. So they're did, they have definite goals, but the goals are for the greater good of all. Not of all not all of everybody, but everybody in in this group. Outside the group, there's not too much care about unless that is one of the things that the group has come up with.
Connie Smith:Therefore, personal desires give away to group need. Priorities are to maintain harmony and good relations. Group goals may determine personal goals. If the group approves, they willingly endure. Loyalty may override personal values.
Connie Smith:That's why if you're part of a gang, you may end up doing things you would never ever ever think of you would ever do outside of that gang. But you were able able to commit a crime because that's what the group expects. And if you don't, then you're no longer a part of that group, and that's unconscionable. So they want to belong. So rather than being cut off, they submit.
Connie Smith:And rather than standing out, they conform. Their primarily their friends are restricted in number, and it's usually restricted to the nuclear or extended family or to relationships through contract, which are like ritual extensions, like married into or belonging to the same organization or whatever, or being a member of the same gang, or being members of the same denomination. We don't even think outside of what other things might be possible. We're told this is the truth, and so, therefore, that's what we'd follow. Never thought of questioning it.
Connie Smith:They will die for that belonging group. People who have feelings of loneliness, This is a PR kind of thing. Who have feelings of loneliness even in the midst of a crowd, who who have issues that we can deal with, to the point of them having a belonging place in the world, that place that God has shaped just for them. And that if they don't possess it, if their parents did not release them into that, then they tend to be feel alone. Now they would go very well-being part of this group because their need is so great to belong.
Connie Smith:And once they, have the truth about things and they have stepped into the belongingness that god had created for them here in this world, they still may tend to be part of a belonging group rather than step out under their own. Neither of these sides of the continuum are wrong. Neither side is godly. Neither side is ungodly. They are just a continuum of an indicator of whether you prefer to live life this way.
Connie Smith:Of course, this is all done at the subconscious level, you see. But if you're living life this way or this way, it's how you live that out. It makes it sin or not sin or makes it right or wrong. I I I hope even though I'm saying this so many times, I hope you really, really, really do grasp that. This is a helpful thing.
Connie Smith:It's an evaluative kind of thing, but the the thing that you're looking to to, evaluate is where they might be on this continuum, not how good or how bad they are. Okay. That's for another time. They allow themselves to be utilized for the sake of the group and will expect the same from others in that body, in that group. So individualistic people can be insensitive to the needs of others outside their goals.
Connie Smith:Relationship oriented people can violate their inner standards for the in group. Both peoples need to find balance in having relationships that are meaningful, allow them to use their gifting and develop their full potential without hurting anybody else. Hear that? Both sides. Both those are left and those who are right on the continuum.
Connie Smith:Both sides need to find balance in having relationships that are meaningful, allowing them to use their gifting, and develop their full potential, all without stepping on anybody else. K? So now just a a a a brief contrast. And you have this in your syllabus, page 31, I believe it is, even in yours. Individual effort, goals set by self or society.
Connie Smith:Relationship goals are set by others. Individual focus is getting things done or achieving the goal, and the relationship is maintaining relationship. No matter what the goal is, the highest goal we have is that of maintaining this relationship in harmony. Individual effort is basically an individualistic kind of person, where the relationship are feel that they're related to the group. Individual effort, single-minded on the goal, and a relationship can often be distracted or even hindered from accomplishing by the family and friends, otherwise, by the group.
Connie Smith:I've heard straight out of people's mouths, I could never be a cross cultural worker because I could never leave my church. Wow. What a sad statement. Granted they may be group related, but to think that that you could not leave that church as if the church is the one that's sustaining you and not god, isn't it? I find that very sad.
Connie Smith:Strong willed to the point of losing friends versus loyal to the point of sacrificing their dreams or their goals or their ideas. Ruthless to the point of sacrificing friends and family. There was the, founder of a humanitarian mission. We were quite well acquainted with this man because he in those early days, he was present often in our church because our pastor was a friend of his. That's where I got we got acquainted with a lot of different groups.
Connie Smith:But, anyway, this group, he started out as a journalist. And as, as a journalist, he saw the need and the of the aftermath of, of war. At that point, it was a war. And he he had prayed to let my heart be broken. He was very definitely from the individualistic side of things.
Connie Smith:But this goal of helping widows and orphans, in those early days, He got so focused on it. It destroyed his health. It destroyed his mental health. It destroyed his family. It it even came eventually to the point where others in the organization that he had created, he had founded, doing marvelous job, but that they turned on him and put him out.
Connie Smith:I don't tell that story as a goal for any of us. I tell that story of what can happen when we get a goal in mind and forget about everybody else. Oh, he loved his family. Oh. He loved his family.
Connie Smith:There was no question whatsoever that it was a sacrifice for him to do this. But the goal of establishing this help for these widows and orphans was more important than working on the relationship with his family.
Michelle:So sorry. Who kicked him out? Was it the org or his family?
Connie Smith:That he had established. Yep. They didn't just demote him so that he was no longer the face or the voice or the director, president, whatever word they had for him. But they kicked him out like a piece of worthless something. So we ended up with nobody.
Connie Smith:Good work could only have been done by an individual who had a goal in mind and pushed, pushed, pushed hard for it, a good goal, a godly goal. But the goal became the most important thing. I don't know if it became more important than god, but it certainly became more important than trying to build relationship. I find that one such a sad story. Such a sad story.
Connie Smith:Someone that was whose individual effort stuff was out of control.
Mike Banker:I I don't think that's uncommon, though, is it?
Connie Smith:Oh, no. Oh, I'm gonna make another one of those statements that people are gonna say, oh, dear. I don't know. God never asked us to burn out for Jesus. I see nothing in scripture that tells me that I am working under God's direction when I burn out.
Connie Smith:There are times as we're working along that we give all get overwhelmed, and we have to rely on the strength that God gives us for that little piece, for that short piece of time. But God never asked us to do this as a lifestyle.
Mike Banker:So we shouldn't hear a testimonial stories about how I burned out for Jesus?
Connie Smith:No. All you can do is feel sorry for him.
Mike Banker:Right.
Connie Smith:Feel sorry that you feel that there's a god who would use you up. Right. And that would just change your course because you're no longer useful.
Carmen:Yeah. I I wouldn't wanna comment on that. I think that this will there's a cluster of lies like this Yes. In Asian culture.
Connie Smith:Yeah. Certain people.
Carmen:Not just this. You know
Connie Smith:what I mean?
Michelle:Oh my gosh. It
Connie Smith:is. Yeah.
Carmen:And it went so far, so out of control that even being a Christian or serving God or in a ministry becomes so abusive. Yep. Yeah.
Mike Banker:Yeah. I had one one pastor told his son, don't be a Christian because of his over being overworked.
Connie Smith:He
Mike Banker:was a farmer, but he had to drop everything at a moment's notice to go serve whoever. And then later, he told his son or he said, that first, he said, son, don't be a pastor, but a couple years later, he said, don't be a Christian.
Connie Smith:Yeah.
Mike Banker:And that was some crazy system they had in place for
Connie Smith:Yeah. Yeah. Because burnout, you're no longer of use, you're discarded. Right. Yeah.
Connie Smith:Mhmm.
Michelle:That people who are burnt out, some of them just continue to go until they, like, literally drop, until they physically sick physically sick. And so but they have this they equate that level of service as being godly, as being Yeah.
Carmen:Tell me about it. I'm devoted.
Michelle:Worried. They think they think that and they expect everybody to function like that. And if you don't, you are less of a missionary. You are less of a pastor. You are less of a servant.
Mike Banker:Not a good pastor. Not a good missionary.
Michelle:No. They're not their their definition of pastor or servant of god equals heading toward burnout.
Connie Smith:Well, that's the goal, is it not? To give your all?
Michelle:Yeah. So that's the goal. That you're right.
Connie Smith:To for the The goal is to give it all. Give it
Michelle:your all.
Connie Smith:And that's what god is asking of any of us. Hey, people. Follow me and give it your all.
Carmen:Yeah. That will just project God as a depriver, abuser, a slave owner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Carmen:It's so common in lots of Asian cult Asian cultural churches that, like, ugh. And I don't even I don't even know how those believers still following Jesus. I definitely would want to
Carmen:walk people off and
Connie Smith:explore like that. I've often, often, often said, I how in the world that Christianity ever survived churches is is beyond me. It has to be of God because only God could've could've carried it through. Okay.
Michelle:I just wanted to just give one example, and it really caused me to have a paradigm shift. It was, I was sharing the gospel with this family, this who came into our church. They're from China. And so we went on a retreat, a woman's retreat, and and she said to me, you know, I I it's not that I don't wanna become a Christian. When I take a look at you and all that you're doing, like, I don't wanna have that life.
Michelle:Like, I don't want to have to, you know, feel like, you you know, you're you're just
Connie Smith:you know?
Michelle:Anyway and, you know, when she said that to me, and it's like, lord, forgive me for causing my sister she wasn't a sister, but in causing this woman to stumble. Because if she equates to Christian life with, you know I mean, of course, we do serve, but what you know, not like what her perception of me, and, you know, whatever. If it's causing others to stumble, then I need to change and I need to repent.
Connie Smith:Right.
Michelle:And so that statement has stuck with me all these years, in terms of reminding me what are we projecting the message in the way we serve? What are we projecting in terms of, like, the gospel? Are we causing people to stumble, or are we, like, saying that's the that's the life I wanna have? That is that what it means to be a Christian? Well, that's what I want.
Michelle:And if I'm living a life that's operating at whatever and causing people to stumble, then I need to really repent and change and and and just be very conscientious about how I, you know, live out my Christian life so that people don't think that's an impossible standard to to fulfill, including hospitality. Like, you know, sometimes, I think to myself, okay. We wanna put out a nice spread for people. But then, okay, but then you do it to at such a level where people can't reciprocate, then they feel pressure. Then they think, oh, hospitality equals you gotta have 20 dishes on the table.
Michelle:And and it's like, well, now I need to also to reconsider what hospitality is. Because, again, we're trying to send an example, but we're and you wanna bless people. Like, in service, you you feel like you wanna bless people with your service, but yet at the same time, you're causing you're causing them to, like is that the level that is the standard? Because not sustainable. And, anyway, that was that was a big lesson for me.
Connie Smith:The other thing that comes out of this or one that that fuels the negative part of this is, your belief system. And if your belief system says that you are really not worthy to receive god's, love and his offer to be my father, well, it goes back to the prodigal son story. When he got to the point where he's sitting out there with no more no old place to go and nothing to eat and he's hungry, he remembers that his father took care of the people that work for him, both as servants and hirelings. They had a place to sleep. They had food to eat.
Connie Smith:So I know my father will let me come as his servant, and I can be taken care of. So I will go to my father. So people come to God with the idea that believing God would save them and all of that, but they come as God's servants. And so a servant is only a servant doesn't receive love. I mean, this is all PR teaching, but, a servant cannot expect love from his master.
Connie Smith:The master is not looking at the person. A master looks at the performance and whether the job is well done or not. So the the, the verse, well done, thou good and faithful servant, it's a wonderful story. It's a wonderful parable parable and all of that. But the lesson out of that is not that we are servants of God.
Connie Smith:But when we come to him, we feel that if we if we work hard enough and long enough and effectively enough and keep working, then god will continue to see that, yes, I did right in saving this person. Mhmm. They were worth saving. That, they're doing a good job, and that's what I'm after. I'm after good workers.
Connie Smith:Well, that's not what the rest of scriptures say. Scriptures tell us that God wants to be wants us to be in a relationship with him. And the relationship is this close relationship of that of of a child and a father. Well but he also tells us where to serve him. Well, yes.
Connie Smith:But we serve him because he is our father, and I am his child, and I am growing more and more like him. I also want to be like him. I want to mimic him. I want to be who he is, and I want to please him, and I want to do the things that he wants me to do. That's because I love him, and he loves me, and we have this relationship.
Connie Smith:And out of that, I do the task that he set before me to do. And if he set the task for me to do, then he's giving me everything I need to do that task. And I call upon him for direction. I call upon him for strength, grace, and mercy, and all the other stuff that we need to do whatever job it does. But he never tells me to go run with the job.
Connie Smith:See how much you can accomplish. That's not what he says. He said to over Jesus, he said, this is my beloved son in whom, not of whom, but in whom I am well pleased. And that was before he ever did a thing. That father that that yes.
Connie Smith:That father child relationship, that relationship that god created us for. He didn't create us to serve him. He had a whole heaven full of helpers. He created us to have a relationship with him. And once we miss that point, we're just on shaky, hardworking, anxiety driven life.
Connie Smith:Okay. Enough preaching on that one. Okay. I appreciate the Like I say, I've I've got sermons all over the place.
Mike Banker:Well, we noticed. We like them, though.
Connie Smith:As long as I'm not talking like a man that just fell out of a well. Anyway, let's see. Strong will to the point of losing frame. Okay. We haven't gotten there yet.
Connie Smith:Okay. Where were we? Burning out.
Mike Banker:Identity. Right. I need it through task, maybe.
Connie Smith:Okay. Identity, let's see, ruthless to the point of sacrificing friend and family. I will have to tell one more on that one, though. I didn't certainly, I've known my purpose of why god left me here. He told me that at 8 years old.
Connie Smith:I've never doubted that for one minute. Everything I have ever done, thought, or studied, or planned, or was all for that goal. And that goal was to tell people who don't know about him. And, I've taken that goal very, very seriously. I won't go into all the different things that god had me do even as a child, But everything has been done to that.
Connie Smith:And I went it wasn't until just very, very few years ago that how my working towards that goal, which is a pretty good goal. Is it not? Mhmm.
Mike Banker:Yes.
Connie Smith:Okay? Mhmm. Working towards that goal, it was my expectation that my family that my family would understand this and just let me go do this. And I failed to recognize that I did not build work harder. Well, I didn't really work at it, mister Spacey, to work at my family relationships.
Connie Smith:I just expected it all to work. And I realized that how I sinned against my younger brother because I was outliving my life, furthering my goals, which god gave me. But I was very, very, very sinning in my way of carrying out my individual goal. I I I did. I I sacrificed.
Connie Smith:I there were several men that asked me to marry them, but they weren't going to the mission. They only were perfectly good Christians and all that, but they weren't going to the mission field. And, so my answer was, oh, no. But more and that was a good thing. I'm not saying that was a bad thing.
Connie Smith:That was a good thing. But to think that, I was always this focused and not this focused, That's caused me great sadness to realize that I have done that. Okay. Identity through task versus identity through relationships. It's very, very, very hard for someone like me who is that focused on the goal.
Connie Smith:The goal was telling and who tells what missionaries tell. The greatest day of my life was the day of stepping out of that plane on that little airstrip and embracing these people. But it came to the point that that's who I was. And when that was taken away from me for a period of time, at least, in the early eighties, I remember one day just sliding down the wall in absolute tears and distress, crying out to god, who am I? What is it that you want me to do?
Connie Smith:I don't know who I am. I don't know what you want me of me. And, fortunately, he and I worked through that enough over the years. That one today sitting in, Barefoot Bay, Florida, I can let loose of that as my identity. That was just some of the tasks that God had me do and the task that he has set before me for this season of my life.
Connie Smith:I won't say how long it's gonna last because I've never been able to predict God. The task you set before me is to do what I'm doing today for you, and I am content to do that. Individual identity versus collective identity. Who can think of a good illustration for that? We're running out of time again.
Connie Smith:I'm talking too much. Okay. So individual identity would be who I am and what is my place. Who am I and what is my place? What, are are that yes.
Connie Smith:This is who I am. This is the place that I belong, which is part of the human race that god set out just my shape. Nobody can take my place, my space. Oh, I have a whole lesson on that too. But, and god talks to me.
Connie Smith:However, there was period of time where he did not talk to me about my question. Talked to me about something else until a year later. He told me I had to trust somebody else for the answer. That was a big learning curve. Okay.
Connie Smith:So this is who I am. Where the other side is this is who we are, and the we is included there. This is who we are. The the had, 2 different words for we. There was a we that included who you're speaking to or speaking about and and yourself.
Connie Smith:So, for instance, we became we were first the boogeyman. We were the Galois. We were the boogeyman. But then we became money goblet. That was our our boogeyman, Not yours.
Connie Smith:Not yours. But this this inclusive group, money. Money was an inclusive group. So one of the tie one of our titles for a number of years was money. Of course, they were still defining us really by there were people and then there were not knowing how to do anything once, and that's what we were.
Connie Smith:Oh, so many stories on that one. Okay. So they had very different they had a different word for exclusive and exclusive. Money or money. Oh, here's a really, really good one.
Connie Smith:This this one and this one is very good for parents. I had 2 children, and one represented one side of this and one the other. Discipline, ostracize ostracism was tolerable. But the group oriented ones, the relationship entered ones, is that, ostracism is intolerable and its equivalent of death. In his in his instructions, god's instructions to the Israelites that for those who did this, this, this, and this Uh-huh.
Connie Smith:They were to be led out of the camp, or they were ostracized. They were put out of the camp. It was simply a nontolerable kind of thing because it meant death. You had no protection. You had no no relationships.
Connie Smith:You had you were left out there on your own. So how you deal with discipline with your children? I could talk to Teresa till I was blue in the face. I remember her giving her a spanking. Alright.
Connie Smith:Send me to the sped the spanking police. But I remember spanking her when she was about 5 one time simply for the way that she walked away from me into her room. Mhmm. But, Eric, you kinda just looked at him crosswise, and he was gone. So there you know, For one, there was no use talking to.
Connie Smith:You had to get the attention before she was her before she was hearing 1. And the other one, it was simply, you teachers, of children in a classroom, you can just look at some children and raise your eyebrow and all badness ceases. And others, you may have to actually send to the principal's office. Anyway, just remember that anybody that is relational, any kind of rejection that puts them out of the group or a feeling of being put out of the group, of being rejected is in an intolerable state. So you need to be very careful about how you humiliate them in front of a group or how you discipline them in front of the group or even if you discipline them in front of the group because there's all other things to consider, of things too.
Connie Smith:I remember I know. K. Goals and schedules come first. Social engagements can be broken, or the in group comes first, and rules and schedules can be broken. This illustration that's given about, the the group money, of course, that's not stealing.
Connie Smith:So the the the way to handle that, and I do not understand why these outside organizations don't just simply do this rather than having a hissy fit when theft notice I did that in quotes. When theft takes place, All you need to do is have 2 signers for all money that goes out and pick your 2 signers from 2 different social groups, 2 different clan groups, 2 different belonging groups so that they're not in the same network. And you have to have both signatures for any money going out. Oh, do they ever appreciate that? Why do you do?
Connie Smith:Because I really didn't wanna give uncle who did who was it? Mustafa that money. I I knew I shouldn't do that, but what could I do? It's interesting. Societies that have all this stuff, shame faced, all that loss of face, shame cultures, individual cultures, group cultures, they all have a way of handling all the problems that come because they're human.
Connie Smith:You just have to learn how to say no, how to say don't do that, or how to say job all done. Individual people are willing to die for a cause. I don't know if you picked up that one. They're willing to die for a cause, but the relationship people are willing to die for a friend. If you can let me get through this first.
Connie Smith:Oh. Remind me to come back to, to the the the us and them. Okay? For the individual, for them to fail in their goal, there is self despair. K?
Connie Smith:There is self despair. I didn't make it. I failed. I'm a failure. Oh, what they do with that failure is is whole other continuums and stuff.
Connie Smith:But if they if they have a failure, they did not reach their goal, it's me, and I feel terrible about me. But in a relationship one, if the person who is in this kind of a culture.
Mike Banker:Yep. I think she froze.
Connie Smith:Some somebody made a comment.
Mike Banker:Yeah. I think, Connie, I think you froze for the last minute or so.
Connie Smith:Okay. What was what was the last, harangue I was on? About failure.
Michelle:That, if an individual fails to reach their goal, there's self despair, and they feel terrible about themselves.
Connie Smith:Yes. When when the when the relationship person. Yeah. Fails, what do they feel? Shame for the group.
Connie Smith:And therefore, you have, for instance, one of the reasons there is such a high rate of suicides in Japan now this is not by my research. Okay? This is what experts have that I have read have said, is that when there is a failure at the university, the shame is so great that they cannot they have to commit suicide in order to alleviate the shame for the group. Now was I frozen on that one? Did you did I get both things said?
Connie Smith:Okay. So individual effort can lead to anarchy, democracy, or totalitarianism. Relationship societies, it can lead to democracy within the group or totalitarianism within the group. Do you see how that becomes possible? I don't see totalitarianism, how it could be on both sides.
Connie Smith:I don't understand that. Because It's like a cult leader. Yes. That's exactly what I was going to say. You have dictatorship.
Connie Smith:Oh, I see. Okay. Which is which is one of the ways totalitarianism shows itself. Okay. So you can have dictator there, or you can have dictator of a of a group.
Connie Smith:Like he says, like a cult. Which was a gang leader, like you were talking about? Leader. Yeah. Yeah.
Connie Smith:Wherever the leader of either the group or the or the person themselves, whatever they, well, let's stick with the group. The group, by being part of the group, have given up themselves to the group and to the leader who heads that group. Both sides have groups, have leaders. 1 may be self leader, but he's also can have a boss. You know?
Mike Banker:Yeah. Maybe, mafia also is an example
Connie Smith:of Any any group or a church Yep. Whose pastor is either right on point, and so it's a blessing to the to his group or one who is in error and ends up being a curse to his group. But the group that follows him you see an individual, effort person might find it would find it easier to get out of a group that he didn't agree with.
Mike Banker:Right.
Connie Smith:But a group one, relationship one, depending on the relationship, what he feels comfortable with or not comfortable with is not in focus. What's in focus is the group. And so I stay with the group in order to maintain being in the group. Alright. Neither of these is right, and neither of these is wrong.
Connie Smith:It's what you do with that. Many of these things, however, become more extreme under stress, And they become even more extreme by your belief system. But your belief system probably does not put you into the other camp. Your belief system just helps determine how you carry that that side of the continuum out. You see, it really appeals let's put it this way.
Connie Smith:Which side of the continuum? You're talking to a group of people. You know that they are more relational. I'm thinking of the matzah. Okay?
Connie Smith:They knew nothing about God. They knew nothing about they had no system of policing the thing. There were no rules. There was nobody sitting in judgment over what they did or didn't. They lived most of their, their things were about harmony and about, taboo.
Connie Smith:And if you broke a taboo, then bad was gonna happen because it that was just a natural result of breaking a taboo. It's not that somebody judged you with breaking it, therefore, they punished you for it. It was just a natural thing. You know that if you eat a certain meat that you shouldn't eat, that you're gonna you're you're gonna die. You're either gonna drown.
Connie Smith:You're gonna bit by a snake. Or okay? So here we come, and we have Jesus Christ died for your sins. Well, they have not a clue of what a sin is. They now have not a clue who Jesus Christ is.
Connie Smith:They have not a clue who God is, and why in the world would he be so angry that he had to kill his son? Because anger is one of the worst things you could ever be. And the shaman becomes shaman because he he is so good, he is so righteous that he can even draw the badness out of other people. Okay? So how are you going to explain to, it?
Connie Smith:Number 1, they do not have anybody that that they report to for sin that either judges them or carries out any kind of prosecution against them. How are you gonna help them understand this? Once we recognized all the things that needed to be in place in order for a person to hear, this is what we approach them with. This god that we're talking about, we didn't have have a word for god. We had to borrow from the Spanish, but then try to build character around us.
Connie Smith:And, if god created you, and god wants you to be in his family. But because of bad doing, god doesn't do any bad doing, and he can't have bad doing around him. So because of bad doing, he sent Jesus to pay to have that bat that that layer of covering broken through so that you could he could now go because of of what Jesus paid, you could go to be in God's family. Just that much. Just that much.
Connie Smith:They could not name a sin. But the minute oh, I can still hear Jose. And he's standing there, and he's shaking his finger. He's explaining to me because he he and Richard one way because men can only talk to men alone, and women can only talk to 1 woman at a time, and so on. So now we have the tape recorder out, and we say a tape recorder is the early recording business rather than the, electronic.
Connie Smith:Okay? It was our early electronics. And he's now tell immediate, which is me. Richard said to him, now you tell immediate just what happened. So he went through it all again, and he just sat there and he was he was just talking to to God, which all they knew was what little we'd been able to explain in language.
Connie Smith:Pointing at God, point and why didn't you tell me this before? Why didn't I know this before? I wanted to be so badly I wanna be in your family. No. Mhmm.
Connie Smith:Of course, he went on to say, now if you can believe this, for people who had not been taught part of the Holy Spirit, people who had not been taught one word about this, I asked the question, well, then what happened? And he said God's spirit, God's innermost being, fell down, arrived at me, entered in, and abides in me. And the next day, he brought up his family all of his family, except well, they had the baby with him, but he had a teenage son that wasn't there. And he introduced us all. Now these people have been in our place.
Connie Smith:We we knew everybody, and they knew us, blah blah blah. But he introduced us. He said, we do not need to fear each other because now we are jajana. Now we all belong to the same family. We belong to God's family, except my baby, whom we will teach, and my older son who has to decide for himself.
Connie Smith:But if we had continued to preach the need for repentance and the need for coming to grips with the burden of sin and and and all of that, they didn't ever come because they had nothing to relate it to. So even our presentation has to be adapted to whom we're talking to in order to get them to hear it, to understand it enough that they can make a decision.
Mike Banker:So, Connie, do we have homework?
Connie Smith:Yes. Okay. The same people that you, started with, with your with, we we had the the 3, continuums that you had decided where they were and why. I want you to continue with that person, but now you're adding 1. Where do they where do they fit on this continuum?
Connie Smith:But, and why? Why did you decide that that's what evidence did you have? So we're continuing to work with this one person.