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This study is so new, you're hearing it weeks before it's available to the public! Lysa TerKeurst tells us in Good Boundaries and Goodbyes that boundaries aren't just a good idea, they're a God idea.
Study Gateway's First Listens: Find your next Bible study! Join host Shelley Leith as she curates first sessions of Bible studies on various themes each season, taught by some of the world’s most influential Christian authors, teachers, and pastors. To learn more, visit https://StudyGateway.com.
First Listens Season 1: Episode 5
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes
By Lysa TerKeurst
Hi there! It’s Shelley Leith here, host of Study Gateway’s First Listens, where you get first listens to first sessions so you can find your next video Bible study.
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This season of First Listens is called New & Popular, where we’re listening to the audio of the first sessions of the newest and most popular video Bible studies from HarperChristian Resources that are streaming on Study Gateway. In this season you’ll hear sessions by Louie Giglio, Jennie Allen, Michael Todd, Sadie Robertson Huff, Lysa TerKeurst, Anne Graham Lotz, and Sarah Jakes Roberts, and with these new and popular first listens, you’re going to get some great ideas for choosing your next Bible study!
Today I’m excited to bring you the first session of a brand-new study by Lysa TerKeurst, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. This study is a highly personal one for Lysa and was borne out of her struggles with boundaries in relationships. In this session she assures us, boundaries aren’t just a good idea, they’re a God idea. Let’s listen in on Session One.
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LYSA TERKEURST: Hi, friend. Welcome to the six week study on "Good Boundaries and Goodbyes." I'd like to start our time together by doing something I don't think I've ever done right off the bat with one of my Bible studies. I'd like to share my own personal confession.
I struggle with boundaries. I have for years. And even more so, I really struggle with goodbyes. I know not all friendships and other relationships will be for a lifetime, but I want them to be forever.
I feel like I'm wired for loyalty and going the distance with someone. So when a relationship falls apart, or gets cold, or just fades away, it seems like I've failed. And I carry a heavy feeling of loss around with me that I've never quite known how to process. But here's the real issue, as I've worked to get to the root of why boundaries are hard and goodbyes seem so off to me.
I haven't had the biblical wisdom or confidence around what to do when relationships get incredibly challenging. When I set out to write this message, here are some of the questions that were constantly holding me back from making decisions that would lead to healthier relationships. Is it Christian to draw a boundary? Am I being unloving, unkind, or uncaring?
I've tried boundaries and they don't seem to work for me. Am I doing this the wrong way? And what if I draw a boundary and that person doesn't cooperate? Or worse yet, gets mad and walks away from me? How do I manage the relational fallout that might happen with this person and others involved?
Does God ever instruct us to separate ourselves from the behaviors of someone, and when to do it? If you've ever had some of these same questions, you're not alone. But what I've discovered through the years of theological and therapeutic research is that boundaries, they're not just a good idea, they're a God idea.
God established the entire universe using boundaries to separate light from darkness, the sea from dry land, and the Earth from the heavens. Where there was no form, God created visible distinction to help us see clearly between chaos and order. Now, this is where I want to look straight into your eyes and say something really important.
The purpose of this study on boundaries isn't so that we can shove love away. Quite the opposite. This is so we can know what to do when we very much want to love those all around us really well without losing ourselves in the process. And it's so that we can preserve the love within us even when some relationships become unsustainable and we must accept the reality of a goodbye.
After all, God's ultimate assignment for us is to love him and love others. And that's exactly what Jesus taught and modeled. Now, let me read to you a verse from John 13:34. And of course, old eyes. So let me put my glasses on.
"A new command I give you. Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another." We are to love one another, but we can't enable bad behavior and call it love. We can't tolerate destructive patterns and call it love. And we can't pride ourselves in being loyal and long suffering in our relationships when it's really perpetuating violations of what God says love is.
Love must be honest. Love must be safe. Love must seek each other's highest good. And ultimately, love must honor God to experience the fullness and the freedom of the sweetest connection between two humans.
Now, I'm not talking about just when love gets difficult. I'm saying love must never be destructive. During this study, we will be opening up God's word and digging into some crucial scriptures and teaching around good boundaries and good byes. Together, we'll soon see where there's a pattern of chaos there's usually a lack of boundaries.
When set appropriately and kept consistently, boundaries really do serve to help keep us safe and our relationships healthy. It's crucial that we know how to identify when a boundary is needed. And then how to communicate this to the other person, and what to do when our boundaries are violated. It's also crucial to learn how to make peace with drawing boundaries that could cost us relationally if the other person refuses to stop hurtful and unhealthy patterns.
If we aren't convinced of how much a boundary will help us, we'll be too afraid of what the boundary will cost us. Lastly, we'll learn what the Bible says and does not say around goodbyes, when they are necessary, how to process your hurt without unleashing more hurt, and how to move forward in God honoring ways.
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Good boundaries and goodbyes should bring relief to the grief of letting other people's opinions, issues, misplaced desires, and unhealthy agendas run our life. And most important, we'll see how we can love others well without losing the best of who we are in the process. So let's get started.
Relationships are wonderful until they're not. I've spent years trying to identify and name the tension that exists when we open our heart to someone who, over time, is not responsible with that kind of trust. Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships. When my grandson Riser was born, his nurse said that sentence to my daughter. She came to give us instructions for going home with this brand new infant.
I thought the nurse had come in to teach us about properly holding Riser, or changing his diaper. Instead, she wanted my daughter to know that every cry from a baby is an opportunity to build trust. Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships.
I've never forgotten her words. Trust was easy with Riser, because as long as we were being responsible to properly care for him, he was satisfied. Now, of course, this didn't mean that we picked him up every time he cried. But it did mean that we cared for his needs.
And Riser, he wasn't opinionated or scarred by past trauma. And he didn't bring in any emotionally unhealthy habits and patterns. Things are not so easy with relationships as we get older. Here's what I've realized.
When we allow someone else access to us emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, spiritually, et cetera. We need to require them to be responsible with that access. If I give someone level 10 access, but they are only willing or capable of level three responsibility. This distance will be that relational tension that absolutely will be felt and will exist.
Trust will erode and frustration will be ever increasing. Why? Because level 10 access requires level 10 responsibility. Here's a tangible example.
When you trust someone with access to your bank account, you should be able to trust them not to steal your money, use your debit card to pay for their reoccurring charges, or put you in debt with their irresponsible choices. Sadly, this does happen. And not just with money.
But this can happen with our emotions, our capacity, and our time. We give people level 10 access and then they only demonstrate level three responsibility. And then we don't know what to do about it.
Where there is this gap due to how much access you give the other person and their lack of responsibility, boundaries are needed. But here's the mistake I've made. One that honestly I think we've all made.
I've tried to put boundaries on the other person, hoping to get them to increase their level of responsibility up to the access I've granted them. But that doesn't really work. You can't make another person change. You can ask them to demonstrate more responsibility, but you can't boundary them into making changes that maybe they aren't willing or capable of making.
So the only real productive choice is for you to put boundaries in place that reduce the level of access you give to that person to match their level of responsibility. People who are irresponsible with our hearts should not be granted great access to our hearts. And when you reduce the level of access by putting boundaries in place, you also must clearly communicate consequences for boundary violations. [10:00]
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I’m so glad you’re joining us here at Study Gateway’s First Listens, and we hope you’re enjoying the first session of Lysa Terkeurst’s Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, published by HarperChristian Resources and streaming on Study Gateway. Study Gateway is a streaming video service, and we’re the only one that has a subscription plan especially for small groups. For our First Listens listeners, we are offering an exclusive rate on our small group plan. When you use the promo code FIRST at studygateway.com, you’ll get a small group plan for up to 20 people for only $15.99/month, a 20% savings. And, for a complete experience with Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, take advantage of our publisher-direct pricing on the essential Bible study guide designed to be used with the videos. You’ll get the group discussion questions and leader materials, the Scripture text and key ideas, and personal Bible study and discipleship activities to do between sessions. Get all the details at Studygateway.com.
And now, back to Lysa TerKeurst.
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My counselor Jim Cress, who you'll be hearing from throughout this study, often says "consequences are important because without them, when a boundary is violated, bad behavior will be validated." So three words that can help us better understand the tension that exists in so many of our important relationships are: access, responsibility, consequences. I didn't get this revelation on my own.
Honestly, it came straight from many, many hours of studying scripture. Actually, it came straight from God himself modeling this from the very beginning of time. Adam and Eve had great access to God in the Garden of Eden. God required them to be responsible with that access by not letting sin enter into that Holy place.
And the consequence was pretty severe for them violating God's rule. By eating the fruit they were told not to eat from, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, and choosing to sin, Adam and Eve had to leave the Holy garden. Thus, God reduced the access to His presence.
Now, he did not abandon them. But there was distance there that wasn't part of their relationship before because of their irresponsibility. This reduced access continues as we read about how over time people were irresponsible with the rules and requirements of God again and again.
Some Old Testament scholars have pointed out that from Genesis to Malachi, we find a slow silence from God that culminates in 400 years of silence between the books of Malachi and Matthew. As sin continues to expand throughout the Earth and within people, access to a Holy God was reduced.
When we look at how God's people had access to him as we progress through the Old Testament, it was through the Tabernacle, which eventually became a permanent structure called the Temple built by King Solomon. Now, I don't want us to get sidetracked in all the history and temple specifics here. But what I do want to make sure to point out is that we see this pattern of access, responsibility, and consequences even in the way God structured who got to go to certain parts of the temple.
These temple spaces were the Outdoor Court, the Women's Court, the Gentile Court, the Jewish Court, the Holy Place, and the Holy of Holies. Now, an important thing to note. These separations between the courts were how it worked in the Old Testament, but definitely should not indicate any kind of hierarchy for us to apply today. It's quite the opposite today. We'll get to that in just a minute.
But we are all, male and female, made in the image of God as we see from the very beginning of Genesis. So this is not an indication of the value of the person. This is a gradation of responsibility required to have access to the holiness of God at that time.
Each of these places were examples of boundaries that were established by God's instruction for those different types of people. The structure of both the Tabernacle and the temple show gradations of holiness with the most sacred portion being located in the innermost room, the Holy of Holies. The general areas included the Outdoor Court, the Women's Court, and the Gentile Court. This is where people could gather and worship.
The basic requirement to enter these areas was observing the law of God and doing life as people of God. Then, to enter into the Jewish Court, there was an increased requirement to be circumcised. Then, to enter into the Holy Place, there were even more requirements that needed to be fulfilled.
First, only the priests were allowed here. And they had to be descendents of Aaron from the Tribe of Levi. These priests had to go through ritual washing and personal burnt sacrifices for their own sin in order to go to that Holy place and accomplish their duties to take care of the temple and perform sacrifices for the people of God. Access to these Holy places was year-round.
However, with the Holy of Holies, access was most limited. Only the high priests could enter once a year for the Atonement sacrifice, which is different from the sacrifices for personal sins and offerings to God. The Atonement sacrifice included a scapegoat that took on the communal sin amongst the community. It was the way people recognized their sins had a communal impact on all they did life with.
When the high priest entered, he kept a rope on his ankle. Because if he wasn't responsible with this ultimate access to God's presence, he would pay the highest consequence and literally drop dead. The rope was there in case this happened so the other priest could pull him out.
The greater access people had to God, the greater responsibility they had to demonstrate with the requirements for that access. And those given the greatest access also risked the greater consequences for violating those requirements. Let's look a little closer at the responsibilities that were required to have Holy of Holies access to God.
Aaron, the first high priest during the time of Moses, who would have entered the Holy of Holies in the Tabernacle, was required to do two things before entering. In Leviticus 16, we're told this practice would set the precedent for all the rest of the high priests to come for the Tabernacle and the temple. He was to take a bath.
I think that's funny because, obviously, he would need to take a bath. But this wasn't just any bath. This was a very sacred moment. Then two, he was to dress in common linen clothes rather than his typical royal robes. When Atonement was done, he would take off these linen garments, fold them, and put them up until next year's Atonement. And he would put back on his, I guess, fancier high priest robes.
As I sat with this a while studying, it occurred to me that Jesus, the ultimate high priest, was bathed or baptized in the Jordan River. And after his final act of Atonement was accomplished through his death and burial and resurrection, he took off the linen garments he had been buried in. He folded them and left them behind since they were no longer going to be needed. Fascinating, right?
Now, here's what I don't want us to miss in light of all we've just learned about the priest and the high priest in regards to their responsibilities and their access to God. Today, Jesus is the forever high priest. And we, you and I, are the royal priesthood. Because we are the royal priesthood, we have requirements.
Jesus' blood shed on the cross already purified or washed us of our sins. So he fulfilled in a permanent way what the priestly rituals could only do in temporary ways before. But we are still required to purify ourselves in an ongoing way with God's truth.
Now, I want to look at a verse in First Peter Chapter 1, Verse 22 that I think is really going to teach us something important. "Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart." To continue to honor the direct access we have to God, we need to let his truth shape our mind and heart to have sincere love for others.
In other words, we care well for others by being responsible with the access they give us. This isn't just a suggestion to be sweet to other people or kind to others. This isn't just a reminder to be loving. This is a command by God that if we're going to live up to the role of being part of the royal priesthood of God that he's entrusted to us, we must be responsible in the way we love others deeply from a heart kept in line with God's truth.
That's such a powerful reminder that getting into the truth of God daily isn't just about checking a box that says we did our Bible reading. It's really about having a heart and a mind equipped to be responsible with how we love others and how we should require others to love us as well. Loving each other and treating each other well is not based on fickle feelings or even our mood for that day.
Obviously, we don't want to put demands on other people because of our own unrealistic expectations. But we have to remember love is shaped by the unchanging truth of God's word. So think about this. As God gives us great access to him each day, it should make us all the more responsible, and honestly, more aware of what's required for us to have access to others and for them to have access to us.
In First Peter Chapter 2, Verse 9 we are told that we are "a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." Then, in Verse 17, we are commanded to "show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor."
Like I'll say many times, boundaries aren't just a good idea. They're a God idea. When we see God modeling access and responsibility, we need to remind ourselves it's not being done as a penalty or as a punishment. His motivation has always been love and protection. It's to help us return to the heart that he always wanted us to have.
Remember, we don't draw boundaries to shove others away or even try to make them change. We place boundaries on ourselves so we can keep ourselves together, so that we can be that royal priest God has called us to be, so each of us can have the heart toward one another God always intended for us to have motivated toward real love and away from selfishness. Now, I know with the complexities and all of the messiness of real relationships on a daily basis a lot of this can sound like, well, I can't do this perfectly.
And you're right, we won't do it perfectly. But maybe if we keep these words in mind-- access, being responsible with that access, and establishing consequences for irresponsibility-- maybe we won't do it perfectly, but maybe we can start loving others and helping communicate how they can better love us with more responsibility and with more intentionality.
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Wow. We don’t draw boundaries to shove others away or even try to make them change. This is revolutionary stuff, folks!
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You have just enjoyed a first listen to the first session of Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, a video Bible study by Lysa TerKeurst published by HarperChristian Resources and streaming on Study Gateway. Here at Study Gateway you can find your favorite authors, pastors and Bible teachers, all in one place. We’re the only streaming video subscription service that offers a small group-sized plan, AND has user-based pricing for churches, no matter what the size. And don’t forget, you can use the promo code FIRST to get a 20% savings on a small group plan. Let’s do some fun math right here. 20% off means you’re going to save $4/month, so instead of $19.99/month, you’ll pay only 15.99/month for your entire small group of up to 20 people, which works out to only 80 cents per person per month!
With Study Gateway, you also get a direct link to our store, where you get publisher-direct pricing on the essential Bible study guide for Good Boundaries and Goodbyes; a study guide designed to help you remember what you’ve learned in the videos, guide your discussion of your insights with a group, dig deeper into what the Bible says about this topic, and apply what you’re learning to your life. Is Good Boundaries and Goodbyes going to be your next study? Get started right now by going to studygateway.com, click start free trial, choose the monthly small group plan, and use the promo code FIRST.
Make sure you rate and review this podcast so other people can find this show too. We’re so glad you’re here. Be sure to join us next time on Study Gateway’s First Listens.
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