Leadership Sovereignty Podcast: Career Growth and Promotion

We want to be accessible to people. But we are not being responsible to ourselves.

In this episode of the Leadership Sovereignty Podcast, host Ralph Owens and co-host Terry Baylor continue their conversation with Amethyst Roberson — therapist, author, and emotional intelligence strategist. This is Part 3 of 5.

Amethyst breaks down why saying no is not a weakness — it is a leadership skill rooted in your actual ability. She reframes the word responsibility itself: respond in your ability. She introduces the DARN framework for assessing whether to engage or pause, explains why most leaders lost their no through conditioning rather than character, and shows how boundaries set from ability rather than guilt become the foundation of sustainable performance.

What you will learn in this episode:
- Why responsibility literally means responding within your ability
- How leaders lose the power of no through guilt, shame, and abandonment conditioning
- The DARN framework — desire, ability, reason, need — for deciding what to engage today
- Why boundaries set from ability are stronger than boundaries set from rules
- How perception is a choice — and why courage is what changes it

This episode is for you if:
- You struggle to say no without feeling guilty or disloyal
- You spread yourself across too many commitments and wonder why your best work suffers
- You lead others and want to model healthy boundaries without appearing weak
- You want a practical framework for knowing what to take on and what to park

👤 View Amethyst Roberson's guest profile


🧾 Chapters
  • (00:00) - Responsibility Begins With Ability
  • (01:05) - Perception Is a Leadership Choice
  • (02:08) - Courage Over Conditioning
  • (04:00) - When Tradition Limits Growth
  • (04:33) - Choosing Agency Over Victimhood
  • (05:18) - Why Leaders Lose Their No
  • (06:18) - When No Becomes Fear of Abandonment
  • (07:46) - Reframing Boundaries as Responsibility
  • (09:03) - Capacity Determines Performance
  • (12:31) - The D.A.R.N. Framework for Daily Decisions

***********************************

📺 Watch This Episode on YouTube
Click here to watch the full video of this episode.

***********************************

🌐 Visit the Leadership Sovereignty Hub
Everything you need to lead with clarity, confidence, and strategy — in one place.

https://www.leadershipsovereignty.com

- Listen to or watch our full episode library
- Download free leadership frameworks, guides, and tools
- Read in-depth show notes and guest takeaways
- Submit your leadership questions or episode topic suggestions

***********************************

📩 Get Every Episode Delivered to Your Inbox
Join the Leadership Sovereignty newsletter and get new episodes, leadership insights, and exclusive resources — plus get instant access to our free AI Toolkit: the practical guide smart professionals use to think clearer, communicate better, and make smarter decisions at work.

*Sign up for our newsletter*


***********************************

⭐ Help a Leader Find This Show
If this episode added value to your leadership journey, take 60 seconds to leave a rating or review. Every review puts this content in front of another professional who needs it.

🟣 Leave a Review on Apple Podcasts
🟢 Leave a Rating on Spotify
✍️ Leave a written Review

***********************************

🔁 Know Someone Who Needs to Hear This?
Share this episode with a colleague, mentor, or team member who would benefit from this conversation. Leadership grows when we invest in the people around us.

***********************************

📲 Follow the Conversation
Stay connected and join the leadership conversation on social media.

▶️ YouTube
🔗 LinkedIn
📸 Instagram
🎵 TikTok
🧵 Threads
🐦 X
📘 Facebook

***********************************

🎤 Work With Ralph & Terry
Looking for dynamic speakers for your next event or leadership summit? Ralph and Terry bring executive-level insight, real-world leadership strategy, and an engaging presence that moves audiences to action.

*Connect with us*


***********************************

💰 Support Independent Leadership Media
This show is independently produced to keep the content unfiltered and audience-first. If these conversations are helping you lead better, your support directly funds the next conversation.

★ Support this podcast ★

***********************************

📄 Full Episode Transcript

Creators and Guests

Guest
Amethyst Roberson
As a Licensed Professional Therapist, National Certified Counselor, and a seasoned educator in mental health and personal growth, she helps individuals and organizations navigate emotional wellness challenges. Her approach empowers clients to master their mental health, clarify their goals, and create actionable strategies for sustainable growth.

What is Leadership Sovereignty Podcast: Career Growth and Promotion?

The Leadership Sovereignty Podcast helps high-performing professionals use leadership as a career growth strategy — not just a skill.

Leadership isn’t just a skill — it’s a career strategy for professionals seeking growth, influence, and promotion.

Hosted by Ralph Owens, Chief Information Officer, and Terry Baylor, CEO of a healthcare technology startup, the podcast delivers practical, real-world leadership strategies you can apply immediately. Each episode focuses on increasing visibility, navigating corporate dynamics, preparing for promotion, and leading beyond your title.

Expect short, high-impact conversations designed to help you think, act, and position yourself like a senior leader before you’re given the title.

You’re not just an employee. You’re the CEO of your career.

New episodes are released weekly.

Amethyst Roberson (00:00)
Responsibility means respond in my ability. Respond in my ability.

Ralph Owens (00:05)
Wow.

Amethyst Roberson (00:09)
want to be accessible to people, but we don't want to be responsible to ourselves.

Ralph Owens (00:10)
Mm-hmm.

Amethyst Roberson (00:14)
boundary should be set based upon your ability.

Ralph Owens (00:55)
Terry hit on a really good point, too, that before we move on to the next section, I would love for you to just dive into just a little bit more the power of your own perception. Right. So Terry and I talk about this all the time. My perception is my choice. I get to choose how I look at this situation. And I think a lot of people subconsciously don't believe that they think that their perception has to be this because

Amethyst Roberson (00:55)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, big thing.

Mmm.

Ralph Owens (01:20)
This is the way grandma did it. This is the way grandpa did it. And how that's passed down from generation to generation. I remember when the light bulb went off for me, I was just like, I think I started reading Victor Frankl's book. This man was ⁓ Jewish, persecuted by the Nazis. He was watching horrific things happen. And he chose to have a different perspective.

Amethyst Roberson (01:20)
I will blow up.

Mm-hmm. Yep. Do it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ralph Owens (01:44)
And the light bulb went off. was like, man, that's your choice. He basically said, look, I choose to look at life this way. And everybody has the ability to do that. Can you just touch on that just a little bit?

Amethyst Roberson (01:50)
That's right.

Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with that. my take on that is perception is reality. It's real. It's a real phenomenon. It's what you see. It's what you understand. And in terms of like Victor Frankel, he used the power of his capacity. I'm going always go back to that. He used the power of his capacity to determine how to move forward, which in other, again, language words,

Ralph Owens (02:00)
Mm.

Terry Baylor (02:14)
Mmm.

Amethyst Roberson (02:22)
is perception. It is how I, how I choose and let's go there, how I choose to see this. This is going to be the thing that becomes the bridge for me to get out of this. Now there were millions beside him, right? That didn't make it out. Why? Because of their perception of their circumstances, their situations. They fell, they fell prey to imposter syndrome and to guilt and to shame.

Ralph Owens (02:24)
Mmm.

Hmm

Right. Right.

Mm. Mm.

Amethyst Roberson (02:50)
and to

Terry Baylor (02:50)
Mmm.

Amethyst Roberson (02:51)
abuse. There's so many things that you can fall prey to when it comes to your perception. But you have to be able to, that third one that, and I call it three C method, that third C, courage in the face of fear. And you said it, Terri too, in resiliency, I move forward. I choose courage versus, again, we love character. Character is great, but character doesn't always carry us there.

Ralph Owens (02:55)
Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Amethyst Roberson (03:18)
Victor Franco, I'm sure was a great man. I'm sure he had a lot of principles, but he had to dig deep and find the fortitude, the resiliency, the courage to perceive something differently. And that is the things that we talked about just a minute ago, the abuse, whether it's church work, you have to be able to have courage to face whatever it is, period. And it always goes back to that.

Ralph Owens (03:18)
Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Terry Baylor (03:27)
Hmm

Ralph Owens (03:34)
Mmm.

Amethyst Roberson (03:48)
And it's based on our condition. And you touched on that Ralph, the condition of the person. know, mama baked her ham like this. That's why I put that. Half of the times we don't know why you put that in there, Amethyst. I don't know, my mama did it. It tastes good. But you know what? Each generation has to add a little bit more to it. That's what I say. Add a little bit more to that recipe. Add a little bit more to that tradition. It does not have to stay the same.

Terry Baylor (03:48)
Hmm.

You

Ralph Owens (04:04)
Right, right.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Amethyst Roberson (04:18)
But that's also where we get stuck in our perceptions as well.

Ralph Owens (04:18)
Mmm.

You got me excited. You got me excited because when you said

we can fall prey to a victim mentality. Think about that because so many people think that no, that's just naturally me. No, no, it is your choice and your perception that you get to choose if you view yourself as an overcomer or as a victim. Right. That's not like genetically imprinted in your DNA.

Amethyst Roberson (04:28)
Yeah, absolutely. ⁓

Terry Baylor (04:33)
Yes.

Yes.

Amethyst Roberson (04:43)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ralph Owens (04:48)
Right, you get a choice, right? It's very empowering, very empowering. But let's go to the next section. This is good. why boundaries are a leadership skill and not a weakness? So many leaders struggle with boundaries, right? And how does that directly contribute to burnout?

Amethyst Roberson (04:50)
Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

boy, I was thinking about boundaries the other day and one of the main boundaries that we all have difficulty with, including myself, is saying no to people. And I thought about, you know, what's the first few things that a kid says when they're growing up? Dada and no.

Ralph Owens (05:19)
Mmm.

And no, that's right.

Terry Baylor (05:28)
And no, that's it.

That's true. That's the first.

Ralph Owens (05:31)
So true.

Amethyst Roberson (05:33)
So

how is it that adults, we as adults struggle with no one, we started off with that thing.

Ralph Owens (05:39)
⁓ Good question.

Terry Baylor (05:40)
You know what? That's

heavy. That's a heavy, cause here's the question becomes is how do they even know to do, mean, how, where does that, that's heavy. That's heavy.

Amethyst Roberson (05:42)
I was like, wait a minute.

See, just pause right there and please, my God.

Ralph Owens (05:51)
Wow.

Thank

That's good. Yes, please dig into it. That's so good.

Amethyst Roberson (05:59)
How do they even

know to say no?

Ralph Owens (06:02)
Mm. Mm.

Amethyst Roberson (06:04)
My God, leaders struggle with it. I struggle with it because it's usually associated with guilt. It's usually associated with shame. That shame and guilt comes from your environment, whether it's home, whether it's your first job, whether it's a friendship, whether it's a boss, you learn over time, your condition to understand what that know is attached to. I'm really big on

Ralph Owens (06:12)
Mmm.

Terry Baylor (06:31)
Mmm.

Amethyst Roberson (06:32)
the

judgments that we give ourselves. When I say no in a situation, what am I attaching that to? What am I associating that with? Oftentimes, and I'll tell my own stories, I've always associated that with abandonment. If I say no, I feel abandoned. Will my team abandon me? Will my spouse abandon me? Will this friend abandon me?

Ralph Owens (06:40)
Hmm.

Wow. Mm. Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Amethyst Roberson (06:58)
My way of dealing with that, with this aspect of boundaries is you've got to detach it from those characteristics that you grew up with. So it takes a little work and a lot of digging to really begin to deal with the judgments that you've created in your own world, that you committed to. Your values and beliefs, that's what that is. Do I value what I'm saying no to?

Ralph Owens (07:12)
Mm.

Terry Baylor (07:17)
Mmm.

Amethyst Roberson (07:25)
So if I value it, I'm going to do it, right? I'm no longer tied to guilt and shame. And there's so much, I know there's so much in that. I'm committed to it. Like what we believe is what we commit to, right? If I say, believe I'm going to be on this show today, I'm going to do what I need to do to make that happen. The root word, if you study biblically in Greek, it means commit. If I say, I believe something, how do you know that that employee is going to show up?

Ralph Owens (07:25)
Hmm.

Mm-hmm. That's Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Amethyst Roberson (07:54)
if they commit to it and they show up, right? They do it. They respond in their ability. Responsibility means respond in my ability. Respond in my ability. So boundaries is the same thing. A boundary should be set based upon your ability. So right now,

Ralph Owens (07:56)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Wow.

that's good.

Amethyst Roberson (08:19)
I can't be present with you because let's go back to the top of this conversation because I don't have the capacity right now. No doesn't mean never, right? It just means right now I need to do some reflection for myself so that I can show it for you 100%. So I just disconnected my no from abandonment to now value to now commitment.

Ralph Owens (08:26)
Right, right.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Amethyst Roberson (08:47)
to now responsibility. I'm responding in my ability. So that child, let's go back here and I'm gonna end with that for her. Let's go back to that child, Cherry, you said, how do they know? Because they know their ability. They didn't know any, their ability is no. They don't have the language beyond no.

Ralph Owens (08:51)
Mm-hmm.

Mm.

That is so good.

Mmm.

Terry Baylor (09:11)
They, so,

so, so it's a capacity thing. They, they understand it. Wow. Wow.

Amethyst Roberson (09:13)
It's a capacity thing. Absolutely. Yeah.

Ralph Owens (09:16)
and they haven't been conditioned

Amethyst Roberson (09:17)
Yes.

Ralph Owens (09:17)
to attach that no to some kind of denial or shame or anything like that. You just changed my life. Responsibility is respond in my ability. ⁓ that is...

Terry Baylor (09:21)
Yes, yes.

Amethyst Roberson (09:23)
Ooh, denial. That's your ability. Yeah. That's all we can do. Yeah. Even performance

wise, like I ran track for years, but I can run, say, an 11 flat, right? In a hundred, right? I'm not going to get out there and run. I'm not going to run.

Ralph Owens (09:42)
Mm. Mm.

Terry Baylor (09:44)
Wow, you were moving.

I'm gonna say right now, you were moving. That's I'm gonna say right now.

Ralph Owens (09:49)
I'll see

Amethyst Roberson (09:50)
Yeah, but I'm

not gon-

Ralph Owens (09:50)
what's bad on the track for you. I'm a witness.

Terry Baylor (09:52)
Hahaha! ⁓

Amethyst Roberson (09:54)
Thank you.

But I'm not going to run a 9-9.

Ralph Owens (09:58)
Mm. Mm.

Terry Baylor (09:58)
Right.

Amethyst Roberson (09:59)
Cause

I don't have the capacity for it. I'm responding in my ability. I can't do it, but I can, what? I can condition myself to become better and stronger and wiser. And so that's how we lost our no. That's how we lost our no. What do we condition ourselves in over these years? And we all got a slew of things that we can, we can think of on how we lost our no.

Ralph Owens (10:01)
Mm, wow. That is so good.

Terry Baylor (10:02)
Wow, that's good, that's good,

that's good.

Ralph Owens (10:09)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Terry Baylor (10:10)
Sure, sure, sure,

sure.

Ralph Owens (10:18)
Wow.

Amethyst Roberson (10:28)
How was it so strong then? And now it's like, well, maybe I'll do it, even though we know we don't have the capacity for it. We want to be accessible to people, but we don't want to be responsible to ourselves. look, we want to be accessible to people, but not responsible to ourselves. I deal with it daily. I deal with it. I've worked with athletes. I've worked with CEOs.

Terry Baylor (10:34)
Yes.

Ralph Owens (10:34)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mm. you guys said that again. You guys said that again.

Mm.

Amethyst Roberson (10:57)
And it never fails. That's the struggle that they have when they sit down, when they are given positions to be presidents over university. People don't know that they're struggling with imposter syndrome. Why? Because of that factor of honesty versus vulnerability. They don't want people to know what they don't want to tell them, right? And so my challenge with them is to, you can only respond in your ability.

Ralph Owens (11:09)
Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Amethyst Roberson (11:26)
They're

not looking for you to be magical in all of this when you show up. They just need you. They need you to show up. And that's how they begin to grow their capacity, their condition. And again, asking those same questions again and again. Yeah.

Ralph Owens (11:40)
Mm.

Can you

Terry Baylor (11:44)
Sure.

Ralph Owens (11:45)
just dive a little bit as we're talking about boundaries then? So if we understand now that the boundary is to help us protect ourselves so we can be the best, talk about how that empowers you to be even better than being one who says yes to everybody else.

Amethyst Roberson (11:55)
protect.

Yeah, know, disconnecting from it being weakness, it gives you room to show up and be available in the places and parts that you can, which will be stronger. So if I'm spreading myself 10 different ways, at some point, some part of me is not going to be able to show up, right? So how do I, how do I, and here, here, here is how you really strengthen that area.

Ralph Owens (12:14)
Mm. Mm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Amethyst Roberson (12:31)
What is it that I desire to do today? So you come up with your goals. It could be putting it in your phone, putting it on your calendar. What is it that I desire to do today as a person, as a boss, as a physician, as a athlete? What do I desire to do today? What is my ability? And I always use this as a way to motivate people. I say put on a scale one to 10. One is I don't have no ability today.

10 is I have all the ability that I need. And I use this acronym called DARN, D-A-R-N. What's my desire, one through 10, right? And I say five, okay? What's my ability today? And I say it's 10. I got all the ability in the world. I feel good. I had my coffee, got my tea. What is my reason for doing it now? Well, my reason's about a two. I don't know if I need to be doing this anyway.

Ralph Owens (13:09)
Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Mm.

Amethyst Roberson (13:28)
What is my need? D-A-R-E, what is my need? Well, my need is about two, right? So you got one, you got two of them that's high, two of them I say if you come out like that on that acronym, that's something maybe you need to park and lock, that you need to pause. But if you come out the gate and you're like, I desire to do this, I have the ability, I have a lot of reasons to do this and I really need to do this, that is a sign. That's a signal that we need to engage in this today.

Ralph Owens (13:30)
Hmm.

Mm. Mm.

Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Mm.

Terry Baylor (13:57)
Mmm.

Amethyst Roberson (13:57)
I feel comfortable

with doing this. And that's again, the internal work first, but then doing that with whoever you are leading as well, teaching them that this is how you get a gauge of what you need to do today. Again, on how to respond in your ability. And I don't know if I got off with that a little bit, but yeah, that's how you respond. Yeah.

Ralph Owens (14:01)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

No, that's good. That's a perfect framework. Yeah.

Terry Baylor (14:16)
No, that was perfect.

And one thing that I want to add to that, right? I think it puts a totally different framework on self-development, right? Because a lot of times we think self-development is reading a book, but sometimes that self-development is our awareness, right? I'm developing myself. So I hear a lot in...

Amethyst Roberson (14:25)
Yeah, yeah.

Mmm. Mmhmm. Mmhmm.

Ralph Owens (14:34)
Mm.

Amethyst Roberson (14:37)
Ryan.

Terry Baylor (14:40)
Of course, that also can lead us to go get a book, go take a class, but it's way to develop ourselves.

Amethyst Roberson (14:45)
Absolutely.