Leadership Sovereignty Podcast: Career Growth and Promotion

We want to be accessible to people. But we are not being responsible to ourselves.

In this episode of the Leadership Sovereignty Podcast, host Ralph Owens and co-host Terry Baylor continue their conversation with Amethyst Roberson — therapist, author, and emotional intelligence strategist. This is Part 3 of 5.

Amethyst breaks down why saying no is not a weakness — it is a leadership skill rooted in your actual ability. She reframes the word responsibility itself: respond in your ability. She introduces the DARN framework for assessing whether to engage or pause, explains why most leaders lost their no through conditioning rather than character, and shows how boundaries set from ability rather than guilt become the foundation of sustainable performance.

What you will learn in this episode:
- Why responsibility literally means responding within your ability
- How leaders lose the power of no through guilt, shame, and abandonment conditioning
- The DARN framework — desire, ability, reason, need — for deciding what to engage today
- Why boundaries set from ability are stronger than boundaries set from rules
- How perception is a choice — and why courage is what changes it

This episode is for you if:
- You struggle to say no without feeling guilty or disloyal
- You spread yourself across too many commitments and wonder why your best work suffers
- You lead others and want to model healthy boundaries without appearing weak
- You want a practical framework for knowing what to take on and what to park

👤 View Amethyst Roberson's guest profile


🧾 Chapters
  • (00:00) - Responsibility Begins With Ability
  • (01:05) - Perception Is a Leadership Choice
  • (02:08) - Courage Over Conditioning
  • (04:00) - When Tradition Limits Growth
  • (04:33) - Choosing Agency Over Victimhood
  • (05:18) - Why Leaders Lose Their No
  • (06:18) - When No Becomes Fear of Abandonment
  • (07:46) - Reframing Boundaries as Responsibility
  • (09:03) - Capacity Determines Performance
  • (12:31) - The D.A.R.N. Framework for Daily Decisions

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📄 Full Episode Transcript

Creators and Guests

Guest
Amethyst Roberson
As a Licensed Professional Therapist, National Certified Counselor, and a seasoned educator in mental health and personal growth, she helps individuals and organizations navigate emotional wellness challenges. Her approach empowers clients to master their mental health, clarify their goals, and create actionable strategies for sustainable growth.

What is Leadership Sovereignty Podcast: Career Growth and Promotion?

The Leadership Sovereignty Podcast, hosted by Ralph E. Owens II and co-hosted by Terry Baylor, is a career acceleration platform

Leadership isn’t just a skill — it’s a career strategy for professionals seeking growth, influence, and promotion.

Hosted by Ralph Owens, Chief Information Officer, and Terry Baylor, CEO of a healthcare technology startup, the podcast delivers practical, real-world leadership strategies you can apply immediately. Each episode focuses on increasing visibility, navigating corporate dynamics, preparing for promotion, and leading beyond your title.

Expect short, high-impact conversations designed to help you think, act, and position yourself like a senior leader before you’re given the title.

You’re not just an employee. You’re the CEO of your career.

New episodes are released bi-weekly.

Amethyst Roberson:

One of the main boundaries that we all have difficulty with, include myself is saying no to people. I say no, I feel abandoned. Will my team abandon me? Will my spouse abandon me? Will this friend abandon me?

Amethyst Roberson:

Responsibility means respond in my ability. Wow. Respond in my ability.

Ralph Owens:

Welcome to the Leadership Sovereignty Podcast where professionals learn to navigate challenges at work through the power of leadership principles. I'm Ralph Owens, Chief Information Officer in the financial services industry alongside my cohost, Terry Baylor, the CEO of a healthcare tech startup. Together, we've spent decades building teams, transforming organizations and coaching individuals through the moments that define their careers. We unpack the mindset, strategies, and habits that help you lead with confidence, expand your influence, get promoted, and increase your income. Now let's dive into today's episode.

Ralph Owens:

Terri, Terri hit on a really good point too that before we move on to the next section, I would love for you to just dive into just a little bit more. The power of your own perception, right? Terry and I talk about this all the time.

Ralph Owens:

My perception is my choice.

Ralph Owens:

I get to choose how I look

Ralph Owens:

at this situation. And I

Ralph Owens:

think a lot of people subconsciously don't believe that. They think that their perception has to be this because this is the way grandma did it, you know, or this is way grandpa did it, right? And how that's passed down from generation to generation. I remember when the light bulb went off for me, I was just like, I think I started reading Viktor Frankl's book. This man was Jewish, persecuted He by the was watching horrific things happen.

Ralph Owens:

Yeah. And he chose to have a different perspective. And the light bulb went off. It was like, Man, that's your choice. He basically said, Look, I choose to look at life this way.

Ralph Owens:

That's right. And everybody has the ability to do that. Can you just touch on that just a little bit?

Amethyst Roberson:

Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with that. And my take on that is perception is reality. It's real. It's a real phenomenon. It's what you see, it's what you understand.

Amethyst Roberson:

And in terms of like Viktor Frankl, he used the power of his capacity. I'm a always go back to that. He used the power of his capacity to determine how to move forward, which in other, again, language words is perception. It is how I choose and let's go there. How I choose to see this, this is gonna be the thing that becomes the bridge for me to get out of this.

Amethyst Roberson:

Now, there were millions beside him, right? That didn't make it out. Why? Because of their perception of their circumstances, their situations. They fell prey to imposter syndrome and to guilt and to shame and to abuse.

Amethyst Roberson:

There's so many things that you can fall prey to when it comes to your perception, but you have to be able to That third one And that I call it three C method, that third C, courage in the face of fear. And you said it Terry too, in resiliency I move forward. I choose courage versus again, we love character. Character is great, but character doesn't always carry us there. Victor Frank, I'm sure was a great man.

Amethyst Roberson:

I'm sure he had a lot of principles, but he had to dig deep and find the fortitude, the resiliency, the courage to perceive something differently. And that is the things that we talked about just a minute ago, the abuse, whether it's church work, you have to be able to have courage to face whatever it is, period. It always goes back to that. And it's based on our condition. You touched on that Ralph, condition of the person, Mama baked her ham like this, that's why I put that.

Amethyst Roberson:

Habitat times we don't know why, why you put that in there Amethyst Roberson? I don't know, my mama did it. It tastes good.

Amethyst Roberson:

But you

Amethyst Roberson:

know what? Each generation has to add a little bit more to it. That's what I say. Add a little bit more to their recipe, add a little bit more to that tradition. It does not have to stay the same, but that's also where we get stuck in our perceptions as well.

Ralph Owens:

You got me excited, you got me excited because when you said we can fall prey to a victim mentality. Think about that because so many people think that, no, that's just naturally me. No, no, it is your choice and your perception that you get to choose if you view yourself as an overcomer or as a victim, right? That's not genetically imprinted in your DNA, right? You get a choice, right?

Ralph Owens:

It's very empowering, very empowering. But let's next go to section. This is good. Why boundaries are a leadership skill and not a weakness? Many leaders struggle with boundaries, right?

Ralph Owens:

And how does that directly contribute to burnout?

Amethyst Roberson:

Oh boy. I was thinking about boundaries the other day and one of the main boundaries that we all have difficulty with, including myself, is saying no to people. And I thought about, what's the first few things that a kid says when they're growing up? Dada and no.

Ralph Owens:

And no. That's

Amethyst Roberson:

right. That's true. That's the first.

Ralph Owens:

So true.

Amethyst Roberson:

So how is it that adults, we as adults struggle with no when we started off with that thing?

Amethyst Roberson:

You know what? That's heavy. That's a heavy so what question becomes is how do they even know to do I mean, where does that Wow.

Amethyst Roberson:

That That's pause right there, Terry. Oh my god.

Ralph Owens:

That's good. Yes, please dig into it.

Amethyst Roberson:

How do they even know to say no? God. Leaders struggle with it, I struggle with it because it's usually associated with guilt. It's usually associated with shame. That shame and guilt comes from your environment, whether it's home, whether it's your first job, whether it's a friendship, whether it's a boss, you learn over time, you're conditioned to understand what that no is attached to.

Amethyst Roberson:

I'm really big on the judgments that we give our self. When I say no in a situation, what am I attaching that to? What am I associating that with? Oftentimes, and I'll tell my own stories, I've always associated that with abandonment. I say no, I feel abandoned.

Amethyst Roberson:

Will my team abandon me? Will my spouse abandon me? Will this friend abandon me? My way of dealing with that, with this aspect of boundaries is you gotta detach it from those characteristics that you grew up with. So it takes a little work and a lot of digging to really begin to deal with the judgments that you've created in your own world that you committed to.

Amethyst Roberson:

Your values and beliefs, that's what that is. Do I value what I'm saying no to? So if I value it, I'm gonna do it, right? I'm no longer tied to guilt and shame. And there's so much in that, but I'm committed to it.

Amethyst Roberson:

Like what we believe is what we commit to, right? If I say I believe I'm going to be on this show today, I'm gonna do what I need to do to make that happen. The root word, if you study biblically in Greek, it means commit. If I say, I believe something, how you know that that employee is gonna show up? If they commit to it and they show up, right?

Amethyst Roberson:

They do it. They respond in their ability. Responsibility means respond in my ability. Wow. Respond in my ability.

Amethyst Roberson:

So boundaries is the same thing. A boundary should be set based upon your ability. So right now I can't be present with you because let's go back to the top of this conversation because I don't have the capacity right now.

Ralph Owens:

Right.

Amethyst Roberson:

No doesn't mean never, right? Right. It just means right now I need to do some reflection for myself so that I can show up for you 100%. So I just disconnected my no from abandonment to now value, to now commitment, to now responsibility. I'm responding in my ability.

Amethyst Roberson:

So that child, let's go back here and I'm a end with that for her. Let's go back to that child, Cherry, you say, how do they know? Because they know their ability. They didn't know any Their ability is no.

Ralph Owens:

That is so good.

Amethyst Roberson:

They don't have the language beyond no.

Amethyst Roberson:

So it's a capacity thing.

Amethyst Roberson:

It's a capacity thing. Absolutely. And

Ralph Owens:

they haven't been conditioned to attach that no to some kind of denial or shame or anything like

Amethyst Roberson:

that. Denial.

Ralph Owens:

Yeah. You just changed my life. Responsibility is respond in my Yeah,

Amethyst Roberson:

that's all we can do. Even performance wise, like I ran track for years, but I can run say an 11 flat, right? In a 100, right? I'm not gonna get out there and run, I'm not gonna run-in- I'm a

Amethyst Roberson:

just say right now, you remove it. That's all I'm gonna say.

Amethyst Roberson:

Yeah, but I'm not gonna-

Ralph Owens:

You're too bad on the track for you. Yeah, I'm a witness.

Amethyst Roberson:

Thank you, but I'm not gonna run a nine nine, right? Because I don't have the capacity for it. I'm responding That's in my good. I can't do it. That's I can what?

Amethyst Roberson:

I can condition myself to become better and stronger and wise. And so that's how we lost our no. How we lost our no. Do we condition ourselves in over these years? And we all got a slew of things that we can think of on how we lost our no.

Amethyst Roberson:

How was it so strong then? Now it's like, well, maybe I'll do it even though we know we don't have the capacity for it. Yes. Yeah. We want to be accessible to people, but we don't wanna be responsible to ourselves.

Ralph Owens:

Yo, you that gotta again. You gotta say that again.

Amethyst Roberson:

Look, we wanna be accessible to people, but not responsible I to deal with it daily. I deal with it. I've worked with athletes, I've worked with CEOs and it never fails. That's the struggle that they have when they sit down. When they are given positions to be presidents over university, people don't know that they're struggling with imposter syndrome.

Amethyst Roberson:

Why? Because of that factor of honesty versus vulnerability. They don't want people to know what they don't want to tell them, right?

Ralph Owens:

Right.

Amethyst Roberson:

And so my challenge with them is to, you can only respond in your ability. They're not looking for you to be magical and all of this when you show up, they just need you. They need you to show up And that's how they begin to grow their capacity, their condition. And asking those same questions again and again. Can

Ralph Owens:

you just dive a little bit as we're talking about boundaries then? So if we understand now that the boundary is to help us protect ourselves so we could be the best, talk about how that empowers you to be even better than being one who says yes to everybody else.

Amethyst Roberson:

Yeah, disconnecting from it being weakness, it gives you room to show up and be available in the places and parts that you can, which will be stronger. So if I'm spreading myself 10 different ways, at some point, some part of me is not gonna be able to show up, right? So how do I, and here is how you really strengthen that area. What is it that I desire to do today? You come up with your goals, it can be, you know, putting it in your phone, putting it on your calendar.

Amethyst Roberson:

What is it that I desire to do today as a person, as a boss, as a physician, as an athlete? What do I desire to do today? What is my ability? And I always use this as a way to motivate people. I say put on a scale one to 10.

Amethyst Roberson:

One is I don't have no ability today. 10 is I have all the ability that I need and I use this acronym called DARN, D A R N. What's my desire? One through 10, right? And I say five, okay?

Amethyst Roberson:

What's my ability today? And I say it's 10, I got all the ability in the world, I feel good, I had my coffee, got my tea. What is my reason for doing it now? Well, my reason is about a two. I don't know if I need to be doing this anyway.

Amethyst Roberson:

What is my need? D A R E, what is my need? Well, my need is about two, right? So you got one, you got two of them that's high, two of them I say, if you come out like that on that acronym, that's something maybe you need to parking lot that you need

Amethyst Roberson:

to But

Amethyst Roberson:

if you come out the gate and you're like, I desire to do this, I have the ability, I have a lot of reasons to do this and I really need to do this, that is a sign. That's a signal that we need to engage in this today. I feel comfortable with doing this and that's again, the internal work first, but then doing that with whoever you are leading as well, teaching them that this is how you get a gauge of what you need to do today, again, on how to respond in your ability. Now I don't know if I got off with that a little bit, but

Ralph Owens:

No, that's good. That Yeah. Was great

Amethyst Roberson:

one thing that I wanna add to that, right, I think it puts a totally different framework on self development.

Amethyst Roberson:

Yeah.

Amethyst Roberson:

Right? Because a lot of times we think self development is reading a book, but sometimes that self development is our awareness, right? I'm developing myself. So I hear a lot in, of course, that also can lead us to go get a book, go take a class.

Amethyst Roberson:

Absolutely.

Amethyst Roberson:

It's a it's a it's a way to develop ourselves.

Ralph Owens:

Thank you for listening to the Leadership Sovereignty Podcast. If today's conversation helped you grow in your leadership, influence, or your career, take a moment to visit leadershipsobberty.com. There you'll find exclusive resources, free guides, and ways to stay connected to our community of leaders who are building purpose and success. Don't forget to rate, review, and share this episode with someone who's on the rise in their career. Until next time, lead boldly, lead with purpose and continue to walk in sovereignty.

Ralph Owens:

Take care.