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You know your business needs to change, but you’re caught in the emotional and relational dynamics that are holding you back. Welcome to Noble Metal, the podcast that helps you forge a new kind of leadership. Host Phillip Weiss, a seasoned executive coach and organizational consultant, reveals how to become a more resilient, deliberate, and less-anxious leader.
Through powerful insights based on Bowen Theory and systems thinking, you’ll learn to navigate complex workplace relationships, manage challenging strategic issues, and lead your team to sustainable change. Get the clarity and tools you need to forge a new path for your business.
Ep03
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Introduction
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[00:00:00]
Phillip Weiss: Welcome to Noble Metal, where we explore leadership at work and in life through the lens of Bowen Family Systems theory.
Foundation of Bowen Family Systems Theory
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Phillip Weiss: So in the first two episodes, I worked to lay some foundation. In the theory. We talked about the reality of empower, the system, focused on the glue of the system, which is togetherness and that opposite pull of individuality.
And we'll continue to build on this foundation in upcoming [00:01:00] episodes for today.
Holiday Season Challenges: Performance Reviews and Family Gatherings
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Phillip Weiss: As I do this recording, we're in the holiday seasons, so I thought that it might be really useful to target things that happen at this time for lots of people, and those two items are performance reviews and family gatherings.
I think a little guidance from systems theory right now could be really, really useful.
The Struggles of Performance Reviews
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Phillip Weiss: So performance reviews. We love to hate them. And why is it so hard? What is it about them that you know that just is a little bit rough? Well, first of all, take time. And I'm increasingly seeing with clients, more and more people just do not have a lot of extra time.
Then you've got top performers who want feedback and all you can think of is please just keep doing what you're doing. Mid-level performers, it feels sometimes like they're always gonna just be that middle of the road. And then with our lower performers who really wants to confront that [00:02:00] and they're not gonna agree with what you have to say anyway. So, yeah, sign me up for this.
Mindset Shift for Effective Performance Reviews
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Phillip Weiss: But what if though, we had even a slight mindset shift? What if you decided, or maybe even really determined pretty intentionally to get the most out of these reviews? So I want to give you three possibly compelling reasons why you should maybe think about this and you can decide for yourself that these resonate with you.
The first is our bottom line responsibility as leaders to leverage the resources that we're trusted with as, as really with any company resource, we have a responsibility to make the most of them. And it's no different with our human resources. Honest discussion about a person's performance and career ambitions are one of the key ways we can motivate employees.
We don't have a lot of levers like this, so let's leverage [00:03:00] this. Second is it shows that you care about them. People aren't machines. They really do want to know that we as their leaders, genuinely care. And I, I believe they need to know. They want to know that you're thinking about their performance and their future success.
A well thought out review is one of the best ways to show this. So thirdly, nobody can assess your own employee's performance. There is no person literally on the face of planet Earth, more suited to conduct your employee's performance reviews than you.
Not even their spouse, partner, or parents are more suited for this. So if not you, then, then really who? So let's, let's kind of talk about those three levels again, of performers.
Top Performers: Maximizing Potential
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Phillip Weiss: Let's start with our top performers. Increasingly, I have come to believe this is where we need to spend our best energies as leaders.
Talk to them. [00:04:00] Find out what motivates them, ask what's missing, and yes, give them that needed feedback that they so often crave. If you don't have ideas, have a conversation with them. Ask them what their thinking is about, what is going to help them raise the bar. Don't be passive or evasive with these players.
They're looking for more. Absolutely. I'll never forget working in one of the organizations in HR that I was in. As an HR leader uh, working with high potentials and working specifically with a lot of our MBA recruits, and the company had its eye on this one particular person. I really liked him.
Just a good guy, humble, smart, competent. He came by my office one day and told me he was resigning. I mean, I was floored. And when I asked why, he quickly noted. I never get any feedback from my manager. So just really brought home to me that star performers want to [00:05:00] know where they stand and why.
Mid-Level Performers: Elevating Performance
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Phillip Weiss: So what about our mid-level folks?
What if you were to get even one of these employees to the next level to. Pick one, maybe two areas where these employees need to really zero in on for maybe for the next six months or so of the performance year. What are a couple of things that they could do? Again, a partnership conversation with them that they could do that would raise that bar for them.
Stick with them. Check in with them, focus with them. Don't let up. I would love to hear. What impact even that kind of focused focus might have with them.
Addressing Lower Performers
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Phillip Weiss: And what about our lower performers? I am fully convinced that failure to address poor performers is virtually epidemic. I mean, we are sitting here in 2025.
I, you know, I've been in the corporate world [00:06:00] for many years before the turn of the century, this last century, and we've been talking about employee development all this time. Still, we struggle here. Bottom line, my observation, too many people are simply afraid of these conversations and avoid them like the plague will put up with long-term pain because we don't want to deal with the more acute challenge and pain of addressing the issue.
What you tolerate, you are approving what you allow in practice. You are accepting in principle. Let me say that one more time. What you allow in practice, you are accepting in principle, so I challenge you to not be one of those leaders.
The 2080 Rule in Performance Management
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Phillip Weiss: I think a helpful way to think about performance management is the 2080 rule. This is the principle of focusing on the most impactful activities to fully [00:07:00] maximize efficiency and results. 20% of your energy, so that'd be time, conversations, thought goes to managing those weaker performers. Support them with clear expectations, coaching and accountability.
State and hold. To your expectations. Now I get, it's easy for me to sit here and say that it is hard to do, but as leaders, I really believe this is something we are called to step up to. We're called to embrace that challenge and the discomfort that may go with it. And lemme just make a one last comment on this too, by the way.
When we're failing to address poor performers, everybody knows it. Everybody knows it, especially people that are working around that individual and even the individual, him or herself knows it. I'll stop there. 80% of your energy, what if 80% of your energy goes to those top performers and those mid-level players who are willing to work it?
Invest [00:08:00] in your best people. Amplify their strengths, remove their barriers, recognize their contributions, and invest where there will be actual real payoffs.
Ongoing Conversations for Better Performance Reviews
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Phillip Weiss: So in kind of wrapping this section up, Dewitt Dees, who's one of the CO here at Iridium and a future podcast presenter, he comments that he believes that the way to make performance reviews less uncomfortable is to have ongoing conversations throughout the year.
Think about your kids. You don't hold performance reviews with them at the end of the year. You're addressing things all along as they go. And, you know, it's, it's maybe not totally the best metaphor, but I think it's actually a pretty good one. We want to have those ongoing conversation. As, as Dewitt says, it takes the shock out of poor performance, out of a poor performance or view, and really just makes that conversation another installment.
Of an ongoing conversation. [00:09:00] I like that. Another installment of an ongoing conversation. We're having a constant conversation. And finally, it reinforces the element of successful relationships as the cornerstone for success on the job. These conversations are in fact about building those long-term successful relationships.
So I'm gonna stop there on performance reviews, food for thought, something to think about. And I admit, a little challenging. Let me shift gears here.
Shifting Gears: Holiday Family Time
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Phillip Weiss: Second topic of the season in a way is holiday family time. Holidays are that time when we gather a typical family dynamic during the holiday tends to blend warmth and tradition with, you know, a bit of occasional and somewhat predictable chaos.
There's usually a mix of joy and sometimes stress. People are happy to reconnect, and sometimes old [00:10:00] roles and patterns kind of get stirred up in surface. Also, there are times when we can kind of feel like obliged to go to these, and it creates, it starts to create anxiety. But the same thing here.
What if you were to have even just a slightly different mindset? As you approach these gatherings, I want to do a shout out, by the way, to an author by the name of Carol Dweck, D-W-E-C-K, and her great book mindset. And I won't go into all of it, but this I idea of just even the, the slightest shift in our thinking about something that maybe is a little anxiety inducing like this, what if we saw these gatherings at least as potentially interesting, valuable, and maybe worth exploring just a little more.
Common Family Dynamics During Holidays
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Phillip Weiss: So let's just say you walk into [00:11:00] a family scenario gathering. That looks something like this. You've got grandma who insists on doing all the planning and cooking, but not so quietly kind of resents it. You've got the outgoing uncle who talks a lot and has strong opinions on certain topics, and you've got two younger sisters who regularly gossip and kind of complain about their older brother's wife.
And then there's maybe the quiet cousin who doesn't say much and is kind of awkward to be around. I mean, the list can go on, right? The scenarios that we can relate to in varying degrees, and we participate in this, these dynamics in our own ways too. We each have roles that we play, so, no, no wonder some people get nervous and sometimes really anxious around these holiday events. And I think the big challenge can be is that when the anxiety is up, so is our potential for reacting very automatically. And sometimes these are not always the most constructive of [00:12:00] responses.
Automatic Responses to Family Gatherings
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Phillip Weiss: So what might be a possible anxious automatic response in these scenario?
I'm scenarios. I'm gonna just touch on a couple here. The list could, could go on. I think a key one for a lot of people is to avoid these occasions at all possible cost. In the world of Bowen theory, we refer to this as distancing and we're gonna talk about that a lot more in upcoming episodes 'cause it's ACEC challenge.
So what is it? We find excuses maybe to not go to the event or we go, but don't stay for very long. The idea is that the proverbial heat is up in the family kitchen. So we either don't go into the kitchen or we don't stay in it very long. A second response might be to sit back and just really not engage.
It's an another form of distancing, but it's basically kind of like I'm there, but I'm not there. A third possible behavior we might find ourselves kind of automatically engaging in is conflict. Some of us kinda like that, and there's [00:13:00] some that'll toss the bait out pretty quickly, and we go for it at the first sign.
Another response some people might have in these sort of anxious gathering settings is they get busy and they start moving around a lot and kind of maybe avoid some of the, what might seem more uncomfortable. Again, I could go on describing some of these challenges and we all, might find ourselves in these spaces from time to time.
Applying Bowen Theory to Family Dynamics
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Phillip Weiss: But a key feature of Bowen Theory that I really like and appreciate is its emphasis on working on ourselves within our own family structure. The role of the coach is not to tell people. What to do or to how to think. It's to help people to do their own best thinking about the moves that they might make in these important family or work systems.
So I think, as I've said before, on a prior episode, breaking news. [00:14:00] I can't change other people, but I can be somewhat strategic in how I manage myself and my reactivity when I am around other people. So I have three suggestions that I want to make as you think about these upcoming family events. First of all, observe, watch, become an observer.
Some would even say become a researcher. Secondly, get curious about these important people and the dynamics surrounding the family. These really are very key people in your life and you want to be successful with them.
I think that's one of the key things I would know. We want these to be successful. Relationships. So one way I'm suggesting here is just simply to be curious about what makes them tick. For example, that sister-in-law what is she, what's she up against? And different questions along that line that you might be [00:15:00] thinking about.
Thirdly, consider making one different well thought out, move. That you might not otherwise make at these gatherings. Maybe it's initiating a conversation with that awkward person. Maybe it's not taking the bait to engage in conflict. Maybe it's being just a little bit less, just judgmental and Gus, you know, and not engaging in gossip.
Again, I go back to this keyword of being curious instead of, of sort of, of judgment. For example, ask questions, like I said, what is that person up against? What are they thinking? How are they thinking about a particular engage? And you know, do it to the degree that you're able and to the degree that it's psychologically safe for you to do.
Work in families is about taking small steps, and that's what I appreciate about the theory. These are not, we're not [00:16:00] talking about giant leaps. I don't wanna underestimate these though. These could be hard to do in some cases.
I know for me, I'm an imperfect. I am myself an imperfect family member and team player, and I have my own work to do. And I know some of this isn't easy and it might even take courage. That said, though, I do desire to be a leader, and so for me, that's gonna mean taking some initiative in these important relationships settings.
Conclusion and Upcoming Topics
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Phillip Weiss: PS I just wanna mention as we kind of come to a wrap here today. Successful work in our families has a natural effect of spilling over into more successful work even beyond them.
So kind of think of the work in your families, like the song New New York. New York, you know, if I can make. It there, I can make it anywhere. If I can make it work more in my families, the potential of being even that much more successful in the workplace or in other non-family settings, I think goes up [00:17:00] even higher.
So for those who might be slightly dreading upcoming events, these efforts could make the family gatherings even maybe just a little bit more tolerable and maybe even a little fun. So as we come to the to the HOL holiday season, I just wanna say thank you for listening. If you have found this podcast valuable, please refer other people to it.
And if you have thoughts about what I brought up today or prior episodes, we would love to hear from you. We'd love to hear a review from you. Join us on the next episode where we will explore the reality and challenges of anxiety in our systems and the challenge that presents for leaders at work and at home.