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“Know Your Children with Rav Shlomo Katz” is a series about the everyday holy work of raising children with heart, patience, and honesty. Join Rav Shlomo in learning from the sefer Da Et Yeladecha by Rav Itamar Shwartz, author of Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh, and explore how Torah and Chazal guide us in building a healthy, loving connection between parent and child.
This isn’t about perfect techniques or quick fixes. It’s about creating a foundation of truth, learning to really listen, and finding the right “funnel” so that what we want to give actually reaches our children. Each shiur is meant to be practical, gentle, and encouraging, and something you can take home and live with.
Shavua tov, good morning everyone. Thank you for coming. Chodesh Sivan is sponsored by the Silver family l'ilui nishmas בתיה פייגא בת ישראל by Danny and Tirza Wizel for the refuah sheleima of עטל שרה בת חנה, יעקב שלמה בן בילה, and for the zivug hagun for Esther bas Rachel, by the Miller family in memory of Yaelle's Abba, Rabbi Abby Orhaftig, zatzal, anonymously in memory of all the holy Chayalim that gave their lives and the ones who are working tirelessly to protect us and Eretz HaKodesh, by the Finns for a davening for a big nitzachon for all of Am Yisrael and for the refuah sheleima of the Chayalim that are injured, דוד נתנאל בן איילה אהובה, Eliav ben Chava, רואי חיים בן מאירה, David ben Zivah, l'refuah sheleima and for אברם יעקב בן דבורה פייגא בתוך שאר חולי עם ישראל. Okay, so we're gonna pass these around.
Mem Gimmel. I'm gonna remind us all where we were two weeks ago when we learned last time. The shiur that we had the last time we got together and learned was focusing on chinuch Yehudi, Jewish education, as it's being different in its purpose than the chinuch that the way the rest of the world strives for chinuch, and that is the neshama concept, the neshama focus, being soul-based chinuch. And we spoke a lot about it and it's not for now to go back into it, but we really covered a lot of ground when we were speaking about that everything that we could say about all the parenting techniques and tips vechulu vechulu and everything like that must always be recentered, realigned with that I have a pieces of Hashem in my home and I have to keep that in constant, constant top priority whenever I'm dealing with all the nitty-gritty, whenever I'm dealing with anything I have pieces of Hashem in my house when Hashem blesses me with children and to always remember that.
So there's one thing to remember that and today we're going to see what does that actually lemaaseh look like. But there's one thing that the author speaks about that I'm just going to say it outside of the sefer for now and that is the some kind of a danger that happens when we only think like that. What happens, it happens also to people that become baalei teshuvah or FFBs that realize they need to get their act together, is that then when everything becomes just Hashem then you know what doesn't happen? Nothing chill, like no smiles. Everything just comes so intense.
Everything becomes so serious. So he wants to make a very clear important disclaimer that if you've understood that making the soul the focus in terms of how I operate with the chinuch in the house that everything seems so serious all the time it means something's missing, ze lo hanekuda. And he begins by quoting the famous Gemara about Rava that whenever he began giving a shiur, you know that he would always start with a little milta debidichusa. He would start with a little joke.
He would chill everything out and he would start with a little joke, obviously a kosher joke, but something that eases the mind and brings all the tension down. It's totally okay to smile and tell jokes, that's not only is it okay, the mechaber says over here that again when soul-focused chinuch is the basis of everything that you do be very careful that it doesn't get too serious in the house. That's a very, very bad thing. And I don't know how well you or how much you believe in your own sense of humor, in your own sense of humor, but he encourages everyone to develop their sense of humor and to be very not not to make the whole joke out of everything but that the children have to grow up with the sense of don't take everything too seriously.
And he says this as an even yesod that this is a fundamental principle that must be adopted, that must be taken very seriously in our approach to chinuch in our home. So that's a very good and important breather within all the learning that we've been doing. Now he goes into it thoroughly for like a few pages but that's basically the gist of what he's saying because it really does happen like this where people that have these religious what they call religious experiences think that if I'm really God-based how could anything be what we call s'chok or like listen I open up Tehillim and it says אשרי האיש במושב לצים לא ישב, moshav leitzim right? That means like a gathering of clowns and... always very careful not to make things too too hefker and just joking and cracking up.
Now that's true, listen. If you have friends that the only way you communicate with them is just being sarcastic and making jokes, and then you want to try to see like, can I talk about anything real for a minute? And then you realize, not so much. That's so that's a very good indicator as to where the relationship and the friendship is holding. With your children, since there's no question here, let me check in and see if I want to continue this relationship or not.
With a friend you can do that. With parents and children, that's not even part of the equation. Therefore you must have this the children must grow up in a home where they realize their parents don't take everything too seriously and they know how to laugh. Chayavim.
Not to make fun of your children, but to find the way to make light of the intensity and the seriousness that's going to be there anyway. Now I would say that's always true, and in the era that we're living in, על אחת כמה וכמה, how much more so is that true when most of our children that are under beneath the age of seven, most of their life so far has been filled with trauma. Mamash. Filled with trauma that hasn't even begun to be uncovered.
It's not even it hasn't even begun. People speak about okay like the post-trauma of October 7th. There's no post, there's no post yet. Od lo hitchalnu.
Haven't started yet. Even post-trauma of Covid for many people. Now that's so since what we said before about the need for there to be a joke, for there to be tzchokim, laughter. If that's always true, all the more so, all the more so in in the homes of the children that we're raising today.
And this doesn't even have to be the seven-year-olds. It could be the 18-year-olds, the 20-year-olds, anyone that's still kind of still in the house and experiencing what it's like to be in the parent's house, זה מאוד מאוד מאוד מאוד חשוב. It's very, very important. Now, having said that, you have the page in front of you, Kuf Mem Gimmel and I want to show how there is no stira to what we just said, to what he's going to go back to.
And as you see as the title, the subtitle that's in front of you, יסוד חינוך הילדים הקשר התמידי לבורא עולם. What is the foundation? That Hashem is not a sometimes thing. Hashem and the kesher to Hashem is always. Everything, even the jokes, surround around the concept of the metzius of Hashem in our lives.
Always. And this can become very intimidating because the obvious plea of the parent that really, really wants to get their parenting on is Ribono Shel Olam, I know this is what my children need and this is what I want for them, but I I know that I need it first for myself if I want to give this over to my children. Which reminds me of a beautiful teaching from Parshat Behaalotecha. It's based on the Izhbitzer twist.
In Parshat Behaalotecha we have the famous cheit hamisonenim. That means those the kvetchers. The kvetchers show up a lot in Sefer Bamidbar. In a lot of with a lot of kvetching going on.
And so we realize it's in our DNA. It's not stam we became kvetchers. This is going on for a long time. And in the kvetchers, what do we kvetch about in Parshat Behaalotecha? Fleish, steak.
Meat. Mi yachilenu basar. Who we want food. They come to Moshe Rabbeinu and Moshe davens and Hashem tells him, give them flesh.
And Moshe Rabbeinu's response is Me'ayin li basar. Where do I have steak from? I'm vegan. Like that's what Moshe Rabbeinu's response is Me'ayin li basar. Why are you under the assumption that I have it? Okay, ma hakesher over here? So in the way the Izhbitzer explains is like this: Do you really think that the people that witnessed all the miracles in Mitzrayim, that heard God's voice, that are that are living in a miraculous state of nature, above and beyond nature every day of their lives, are actually asking for shawarma? Do you really think that's what they're asking for? The Izhbitzer says no.
Torah's telling us something very deep. It's a long shiur but I'm gonna just give you the point, the ikar of it, that the Izhbitzer says, Basar means flesh, Basar means to feel. What the what the Yidden were saying is that we've witnessed all the miracles, it's true that's what we're witnessing, but we want to feel it in our bones. We want to feel like we're transformed people by all that we've been witnessing.
Give us flesh, give us a taste that it's actually changing us. our physical beings. So Moshe Rabbeinu says, me-ayin li basar, you think I've mastered this art of transforming my actual flesh yet? I'm also a work in progress. I'm also still trying to really experience everything that I'm going through, that it completely consumes me and takes over me and permeates through every fiber of my being.
So Moshe Rabbeinu knows if I can... he knows the only way to give Am Yisrael basar, what they're actually asking for on the deepest depths level, is if I'm feeling it. 'Cause if I'm not feeling it, how can I give that over? If I'm not experiencing that my being in this world is absolutely transformed into my flesh, into my bones, into my body, how could I really possibly give that over to anybody else? The same hakbalah, the same comparison, is true also when it comes to our children. Harei, there's not a person in this room, and any decent parent that I know of in this world, that doesn't want their children to feel that they are walking with Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
We and they feel close, and they feel access to Hashem, and that Hashem is the center of their lives. What stops some parents from going the whole way with this approach is that they say, "Well, unless I'm there, how could I expect my children to pick it up?" And so chalila they'll sometimes rely on outer sources, which outer sources are good for supplements, but they're not good for the yesod. What are our outer sources? So of course, if a father can't really teach his child, he has a chiyuv to hire a melamed. That's...
it's always been like that. That's not a chiddush. And we try to send our children to schools that are feeding them what they need and to be nourished by Torah and by Hashem ve-chulei. All those things.
But those are supplements. The ikar of what they're going to go with in this world is how they experience Hashem in the home. And that could be very intimidating. But that's no stirah to the need to have humor in the house.
It goes hand in hand. Okay? There's a famous... it's a little bit of a sadistic joke. How do we know Hashem is like a good comedian? So we say in the end of davening, אמר רבי אלעזר אמר רבי חנינא תלמידי חכמים מרבים שלום בעולם.
So they say it's very funny 'cause usually talmidei chachamim are fighting over who's right all the time, right? Even Hashem has a good sense of humor by making us think that really all these things we see around us are actually working the way that He wants it to be. Hashem is... Hashem is a great... did you ever stop in your life and be like, "You have a good sense of humor, Hakadosh Baruch Hu"? Nothing wrong with saying that.
This is not a bad thing. Usually... "No, no, how could you talk that way about God?" Well, it's a good thing. It's fine.
Okay, so now let's go back inside in kuf mem gimmel. Ka-amur: העומק הטמון בכל דרך החינוך דלעיל היא ההבנה שלכל אדם יש נשמה וחינוך יהודי צריך להיות בתפיסה של נשמה. The depth within chinuch that we've discussed before is the understanding that each person has a soul and Jewish education has to be with this soul grasping.
והנה כל מהותה של הנשמה היא השתוקקות לבוראה אליו היא פונה בעתות שמחה בעתות צרה בעת הצלחה בעת שהאדם זקוק לישועה ובכל עת.
The essence of a soul is that it is in a constant state of longing for Hashem, turning to Hashem in times of simcha. It's interesting that he didn't start with tzara. Turning to Hashem in times of simcha, which is much less natural than turning to Hashem than in times of tzara. Be-et hatzlacha, turning to Hashem in times of success.
בעת שהאדם זקוק לישועה, when a person needs a yeshua, uve-chol et. I'm a little bit more tired this morning 'cause I... well, two reasons. One, Nachman likes to...
he has this inyan, he loves ayeles hashachar. He loves waking up with us with the sunrise sometimes, coming into bed very, very, very early. But this morning I was happy 'cause he woke me up pretty early and I'm like, "I could catch the last quarter of possibly one of the greatest moments in sports history." Mah la'asot? I'm an NBA freak from birth. And I was born on the East Coast, which makes me have allegiance to the winner, to the champion, to the new champions of the National Basketball Association, of the NBA.
There was one one guy, when they got the trophy, I had my eye on him the whole time. He had, he, he wasn't able to talk, he was tearing the whole time. And you saw, he was running away from the cameras. Tear, he was, he was, he had tears the whole time.
And okay, so his inyan of Hashem I'm sure is very very different than ours, but for whatever it's worth, when the camera did go on him and he, they said like, what are you feeling right now, he says, what am I feeling, first glory to God, you know, glory to God, glory to the one above and it's like, it's so important that American youth sees that these, these are the words coming out of the mouth of this guy that it's usually not, that's usually not the first thing that comes out of this chevre's mouths, but it mamash did. My brother wrote in our family chat, did you realize the date? 6/13. Yeah, there's a lot going on. Right on their sha'on, it was, it was still 6/13, nachon.
Oh, someone said, did you see this crazy video clip went out last week? I have to check with the family, there's a family, the Abuchatzeira family. You know the Abuchatzeira family? The famous family of the Baba Sali. So one of the grandsons of the Baba Sali was a big, big tzaddik, big neshama. I had the zechus of knowing him, he passed away probably ten years ago, maybe more.
His name was Rabbi Meir Abuchatzeira and this family became Lubavitch and they also lived in LA for a while. I got to know them, I'm friendly with the children. And he was known as many things. He was also a what do you call it, macrobiotic, is that what it's called, macrobiotic, this whole inyan? And he was a fascinating guy, French Moroccan Baba Sali grandson who's a chossid of the Rebbe and he was also, if you ever see videos of the Rebbe looking for someone and going like this, he was the whistler too of the Rebbe.
You see these videos of the Rebbe looking and you hear these crazy whistles. He was a, he was a fascinating, fascinating person. I'm going a little bit of a tangent, it's okay, leiluy nishmoso. Some neshamos are just so out there and so in tune.
One time I walked with him from his house, he was living then on Rechov Keren Hayesod and we walked till like Kikar Tzion. I forget what the, forget why or whatever, but I remember being mesmerized by what he was telling me the whole way and he was for some reason, he was speaking to me about the Rebbe Rashab. Now the Rebbe Rashab is the fifth Lubavitcher Rebbe, was the fifth Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Sholom Dovber, the father of the previous Rebbe, Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Schneersohn, who was the father-in-law of the Rebbe. Okay? So Rabbi Sholom Dovber Schneersohn, the Rebbe Rashab.
Now mainly in our dor, who do we speak about when we speak about Lubavitch? So it's mainly the Rebbe or the Baal HaTanya, the Alter Rebbe, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, right? So Rebbe Rashab, it's like, it's not common to just have shmuzes about him, but he, that's all he was talking to me about. And then we got to Kikar Tzion area and it was time to part ways, we gave each other a hug and then he said, and I was standing against the wall, he said, move for a second. And I moved, I'm not kidding, there was a graffiti, there was a picture of the Rebbe Rashab right where we parted, right where we said goodbye. It's one of these master neshamos, right? Okay, why am I, why am I speaking about him? You'll see this video, because I'm sure Lubavitchers are going to be all over this, because the video said that whenever, that quite often the Rebbe would ask Reb Meir, how are the Knicks doing.
I'm not kidding, okay? The Rebbe would ask Reb Meir, how are the Knicks doing. So, so apparently, I have to find this video to send it, because I don't want to mess it up too much, but apparently maybe Reb Meir thought like the Rebbe thinks I'm really into the Knicks or something, but the story was, now again, these are how things can get totally fabricated, so I'm being very cautious, but the video that I saw and someone brought it up at the farbrengen on Shabbos was that the Rebbe hinted, alluded to the inyan that once the Knicks finally win the championship, that's a sign that Moshiach is right around the corner. So therefore, yes, it's now and 6/13. 6/13.
Huh? Bas Knicks. So clever. Chabad-Knicks, that’s what we were talking about. Yeah, this type of hopefully not me, I hope it’s real.
She just said Moshiach is here, Chabad-Knicks. Chabad-Knicks. These are this is the type of good humor but I actually brought it up for a different reason, meaning but I think it fits because I would love to have that kind of humor that really links to Hashem but it’s you got to look for that too. It doesn’t always present itself but if you look it’s everywhere like that’s really the point like if you look it’s everywhere it’s straight to Hashem in every way and it all came up because this guy Mikal Bridges, one of these players, just couldn’t stop he couldn’t stop crying.
And his first thing during a time of a simcha was for him, whatever again, I’m not going into his zach of what he’s thinking about when he says glory to God. I don’t think he’s speaking about the way we refer to השם השם אל רחום וחנון. But what do I know? What do I know? What do I even know anymore? It’s unimportant, it’s the message that’s being sent to the children of the world that are watching him, which is so crucial and it made me very very happy. That and the fact that the star, the actor Michael Rappaport, right? So we’ve gotten pretty close so obviously there was text messages going on because he’s a—you think I’m an NBA freak—he’s a sports basketball analyst like he’s really in the parsha.
So I told him that the star Brunson, he embodies two middos that every Yid has to have right now and if you know him, this guy is I’ve never seen a more humble athlete in my life. The guy is he looks like he’s stone cold, which maybe he is, he is so humble and his abba was the assistant coach of the team, so it was a father and son celebration, it was so gorgeous. So these two middos are perseverance because if you know anything about this guy, he just did not give up. Do you know how many times the Knicks, I keep on thinking now Chabad-Knicks, but the Knicks, we keep on saying Chabad before Knicks.
Do you know how many times the Knicks came back this series? They were trailing, you know that when I woke up at like five something, so they were trailing again by like 14 15. So this time it’s not going to they’ll go back to New York and hopefully win it game six. Just like the game before, they came down from I don’t know how many points it was, 20-something points, again like perseverance and humility. Wow! If we have those two middos then geshmak.
Okay, it was worth the whole shiur just to bring up these things. We’re getting back to the inyan that wherever state we find ourselves in, hatzlacha, as we’re talking about downfalls that we’re unfortunately too familiar with, successes, closeness, not close, whatever, it’s all Hashem. Everything. It’s all Hashem-oriented, the whole thing.
That’s a pshat, that’s what a child... Hashem is not when I go to shul. That’s a dangerous thing. Hashem is reserved for shul, that’s my that’s when Hashem’s in my life, chas v’shalom.
God forbid.
התובנה העמוקה ביותר שצריכה לשכון בנפש של כל יהודי היא שבכל המצבים ללא יוצא מן הכלל הכתובת היחידה אליה הוא פונה הוא הקדוש ברוך הוא כך צריכים להתנהל חייו של יהודי בזמן שהוא מתקשה שאז הוא פונה אליו בתפילה בעתות שמחה כדי להודות ואף בזמן רגיל להבין שהכל ממנו יתברך. This is the deepest consciousness that we have to realize that must dwell in our nefesh is that Hashem is always and he’s everything. But that doesn’t mean that I have to sit like this all day long scared out of my wits that I’m not doing the right thing.
The Baal Shem Tov came and just really removed that. That’s not the way we’re going to bring Moshiach, it’s not the way we’re going to shine our light. So a child has to see this concept of Hashem is everything always with a smile, with simcha, as the least threatening thing in the world. That is the ikkar of chinuch tachlis.
Forget the details of everything. The overriding picture, like the bigger picture of the whole thing, you know where like and obviously if we ask ourselves this question, was Hashem the most present thing in your household, there’ll be some that’ll say yeah and that’s why I checked out because the way that he was the center of it was something I had want nothing to do with. And there are others that’ll be like not really but it was nice. It was good.
Why not go for everything? Like why not be like, it was nice and it was good and Hashem was the center and it was nice and it was good and it felt healthy. That's what we're aiming, that's what we're striving towards. Alevei amein to all of us that should be what it is. This is really what it is.
Second to bottom paragraph. U-me'ata, and from now, כאשר אנו עוסקים בחינוך עם תפיסה של נשמה. And now when we're dealing with chinuch with this grasping of soul, הרי שהתשתית של חינוך כזה חייבת להיות מבוססת על כך שההורים עצמם חיים באווירה שזולת ריבונו של עולם ותורתו אין כלום. Don't think for a second that it's expected from your child to feel like Hashem's their best friend if they don't get a sense that they grew up in the home of parents that lived with the notion that without Hashem there's nothing.
One time I got a call from a mother from the States who was complaining about her son that he checked out completely from everything Yiddishkeit-wise, and she had such a misunderstanding, she had such a tar'omet belibah. She had such a painful claim in her heart. And what was the painful claim? She said, "I don't understand, I sent him to all the schools, to all the right schools, my husband and I paid thousands and thousands and..." this was before it became, I don't know what tuition is today in Chutz La-Aretz. This is before all that, but I paid thousands and thousands of dollars and my husband took him to shul every Shabbos.
How could it be that he doesn't want anything to do with Yiddishkeit? And I almost, I didn't know if I was going to cry or laugh, because I asked her the following question. I said, "Did you ever talk about Hashem at the Shabbos table?" That's what I said. And the answer was, "No, no, no, he got that from shul and from school." I'm sorry, like I don't mean to make you feel worse right now, but what really bothers you right now? That he's not frum or that he doesn't have a relationship with Hashem? And she said, "Well, actually he says that he actually developed a whole relationship with God, and that's what really hurts me, that he developed a whole relationship with God that has nothing to do with the, you know, the misgeret that we tried to provide for him." There are so many stories like this. Why can't we have it all? We should have it all.
But have it all with the framework of everything the sefer has been telling us. So the mechaber, Reb Schvartz be-vav vav writes like this, we're in the middle of the second to bottom paragraph: ובד בבד מנסים להעביר מסר זה לילדיהם. That the parents are subconsciously and consciously always trying to give over to their children the notion of not just you could do it, you're the best, believe in yourself, which is how many of us were raised with very good intentions. Be, you know, remember the commercial in the 80s with the army? "Be all you can be," like all those things.
Like "Be all you can be," those are all like self-esteem which are very important things v'chulei. You know, really in Chassidus it's not "be all you can be," it's be more than you could be. Be all you can be is just your limited potential. Hashem's potential, Hashem's belief in us is infinitely greater than wherever we get to.
He's saying over here it must be that with all those self-esteem pep talks, it's also surrounded with the inyan of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Now for, again, for many people they're triggered by the word Hashem, they're triggered by words Torah, all these things, I understand it. You have to find your own words, you have to find your own language, whatever it is, but it's always centered around the creator of the world, God-consciousness, Hashem-consciousness.
ובד בבד מנסים להעביר מסר זה לילדיהם וממילא חינוך שלא השיג מטרה זו זהו חינוך שהופסק באמצע הדרך ולא הגיע לתכלית.
He's saying if basically a chinuch that hasn't reached this purpose of what he just described right now is chinuch that didn't reach its actual the whole reason why Hashem gave you children in the first place. And I'm saying it a little bit harsher but he's really saying it, you know. Yeshnam horim, you know I'm just going to say, it's so easy to always blame the previous generation and God bless you, and then to even blame ourselves for all these things. I don't want us to look back, just to look forward, you know, just to look towards where we're heading to and give ourselves a pat on our shoulders.
You know what, we're doing so much better than what was probably expected of us, and to just take a breather once in a while and be like... bless you.
הכל בדרך הטובה והישרה והנכונה. Everything's on the right path.
Yeshnam horim, shekol matratam, listen to this, this is a powerful paragraph. There are parents שכל מטרתם בחיים היא לחנך את ילדיהם לתורה ולמצוות. Their whole purpose of life is to make sure their kids stay frum, basically.
אולם מכיוון שהמבט שלהם אינו נכון, but since their whole way they approach it, ייתכן שהם יחטיאו את המטרה.
It could be they're missing the point. What could be wrong with wanting your children to make sure that they're frum and they keep Torah and Mitzvos? You know, that can be done without soul talk and without God talk. That could actually all be achieved without even bringing God into the equation. It's possible, nachon? It's possible.
אותם הורים מחנכים את ילדיהם לקיום מצוות.
הם עושים את כל ההשתדלות על מנת שילדיהם ילמדו תורה. They do everything they can so that their children learn Torah, ואף משקיעים רבות בהנחלת מידות טובות. And they're trying to give over to their children good Middot.
Ulam tzarich lehavin, but you have to understand. Lo, this is a big dagger for the community that he's writing this from, you understand.
לא די בקיום רצונו יתברך בפועל על ידי תורה ומצוות. It's not enough to just do what Hashem says by keeping learning Torah and keeping Mitzvos.
אלא חייבים לזכור שלכל זה ישנו מכנה משותף אחד. You have to remember the common unifying denominator of the whole thing.
קשר עמוק מאוד בחיי האדם לבוראו. A very deep connection that a man must have, man, woman, human must have with his Creator.
Like what would happen, I'm not saying this is true in every situation, but what would happen if during the summer where kids aren't in school, maybe they're not davening as much as they do during the year? You told your child, you know what, don't worry so much about finishing all the davening. How about you do hitbodedut, talk to Hashem in your own language in the morning? Do hitbodedut. So what's the, what's the knee-jerk reaction to what I just said? Well, here I don't actually, I'm not sure. It really stirred something.
Sorry. Did it trigger, no, don't be sorry, that's a very... Did it trigger anything cautious for someone? Stressful. Why? Because it's like high hopes of something you want to do and then it's just like really hard to actually make happen.
And it's like a fight. It's not like oh remind you, oh do talk to Hashem. It's like did you talk to Hashem yet? Did you talk to Hashem yet? Did you talk to Hashem? Like that's not a good situation. It's relief.
It's relief. Why? Because it's much easier for me to tell my son to talk to Hashem and make sure, like that's what I did with one of my kids where they were struggling with certain mitzvos. I said, if that's what you're doing, I'm not judging you, as long as you have a relationship with Hashem. That's beautiful.
That's beautiful. Like I think it's great because if they're, you're gonna have a fight every single day about getting your kid up to minyan and then you could just say just please just talk to Hashem at least. Well, hold on, don't say it like that. Because that's, that's gonna sound like minyan after a while.
No, no, no. What, what, what... I guess that was your stressful part. What could it sound like? Like what's a better way for it to sound like? I don't know, you tell me.
Do you know how much, do you know how much both you and Hashem are waiting to hear what's really happening inside of you, how good it's gonna feel? Yeah, things like that. That, that keeps Hashem the focus, you realize. It doesn't sound like davening. But what's more important to us, the kids we have in the, the era we're living in, what's more important to us? This is hard for me, especially as a rabbi of a community, to say this knowing it's being recorded and easily could be cut and...
but these are not things that are gonna stop me from saying things I think are most crucial. I think, I really believe, especially with boys, but also with girls, also with girls, what is it? Especially with boys, that if the approach, if we could transform this concept called Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Hashem into your closest, closest ally. Closest ally. I think that's the best way to say it.
Then there is a, there's an opening to achieve everything he said over here. Because he just said you could make sure... make sure your kids keep all Torah and Mitzvos, right, and be missing the whole point. It is sad though that we live in a world that if you ask a parent what's more important to you that your child has a relationship with God or that at the end of the day they stay frum? And we have that issue all the time with one of my kids where it's like do we say you know where's your tzitzis? Where's your kippah? Where's your tzitzis? Where's your kippah? all day long? Or do we just be like okay well like he's going to shul on Shabbos so like we should be relieved and like he's going to minyan at school so we should be relieved.
It's a very hard sugya. Yeah. But it is a choice of sort of like what's your what's your battle? What are you really fighting for really? So the battle or what's the most what's the most important thing for you right? And that's because we live in societal norms. It's obvious.
It becomes very pressury and lo pashut bichlal, yeah. It could also be that your kid goes to minyan three times a day, is checking off all the boxes, is not causing any problems, but has no relationship with Hashem. It's exactly what he said. So I want to say why can't we aim for everything? Like let's strive for everything that there shouldn't have to be a compromise, right? It's just that al pi darko there are kids, definitely there are kids both boys and girls that will come to the place of Torah and Mitzvos for real if they if they own it.
Give you a good example without mentioning names. Very careful how I say this. There's a child of a famous person in the entertainment world in Eretz Yisrael, a baal teshuvah who I think all of his children checked out of what like Yiddishkeit the way that they grew up with it because obviously his you know baal teshuvah parents didn't really know what they were doing, did their best, but you know and recently I found out that he hasn't really this specific kid has not been keeping Shabbos for a few years and someone asked me to whatever. The kid said he said I've come to a place in my life that I realize I needed to crush I needed to tear down all the idols that I felt I grew up with and I need to own it now and that's why I'm starting from scratch.
Now we don't hold like that l'chatchila, but we say b'diavad if that's where a kid got to and he speaks like that so we have to believe in him that he's going to establish his relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. It's going to be his and when he ends up building a home and having children he's going to want to give that over to his children and all the power to him. It's good. It's just that we get so freaked out in the moment of what we see in front of us that we start and it starts to put all these all these concepts of oh I'm a failure.
That family doesn't have any kid like that and then those start those horrible thoughts start entering into our mind there are those are horrible horrible thoughts and feelings because obviously it's a parent's dream that all their children you know end up in that ideal place of frum. But what about with Hashem? With Hashem. And there shouldn't be any stira, there shouldn't be any conflict. But it's a hard thing, it's a very tough balance.
It's very very tough. So we all we got to this basically saying if your child needs to hear the words go and talk to Hashem, like not go and talk to Hashem, did you talk to Hashem today? Not that, Jenny, not that. I'm sure he doesn't sound like that and I'm sure you don't you know. I haven't used it yet but I'm going to try it.
No no no. Don't. Oh okay. Don't right.
Not in this voice but you know but you know really how it can be given over? It doesn't even have to even be given over with words. It's that if a kid sees that this was their parent, b'ezras Hashem, if they see this is what they really how they live and how they then you don't even have to it's not even something you have to work so hard on giving over because any parent that's in a sincere relationship with Hashem that involves hisbodedus, that involves like b'emes no judgment, all those things, those things go over to their children more than anything in the world. What if the kid doesn't see it? So they do. Kids go to school at 8:15 in the morning.
If I hypothetically ideally sit down at 8:30 in the morning b'nachas u'v'sheket, maybe. No it's not... they come home at 2:15, 2:30, shits the fan. They're not seeing my calm.
Sorry I apologize for the bad morning. When you scream Hashem Hashem please help me! They're not seeing it at 2:30 in the afternoon when they come home from school. No depends on how if you scream to Hashem when you're really having a hard time they still see it. I didn't mean, I didn't mean, I definitely didn't mean.
I didn't, I didn't mean that they see you in the forest. How do I know? They see the tmuna of a person. They see the whole picture of a person. I don't know if they do.
Oh, they see, achoti, they see. No, they see way more of the good and the bad than you or I understand. Baduk, million achuz. They see it all.
And guess what? We saw it in our parents too. It's one of these weird things, weird visions that people get, but they see the whole picture, yeah. On that note, I won't talk about my father while he's here, but my father's whole return to Yiddishkeit was like this realization that he had a personal relationship with God. And that's something we always grew up with in our house was like Hashem was present.
And all the Lubavitch schools that we went to didn't, you know, get rid of that thing that my father, who was wearing jeans on Shabbos in Monsey, had a real relationship with Hashem. And it's like that's something that we all grew up with and he spoke about it with us, but we also saw him living it. And if you want more info on that, go to chabad.org which, you know what happened with your father when he walked in here the first time? I almost fainted because I watched that video of him being interviewed by JEM. Did I ever tell you? Did I ever tell you this? When he walked in here the first time, I was like oh my god.
That's, you know, the JEM video. This week will be a big week because of the Rebbe's 32nd yahrtzeit. You know those personal encounters with the Rebbe, the short videos that go around? I'm sure you've seen it. So her Abba was on one of them, but like a real one that really spoke to me because it involved music and following a certain band and everything.
And also his presence, he is mamash a presence, your Abba. And then he walked in here one day for Mincha-Ma'ariv and I think also David Jerome and I were like, I had no idea it was your Abba. But that's a great example. You grew up, chalila not to belittle anything about your parents, everything was perfect, there's no such metzius until Moshiach comes.
But what was there? What you just said. That's victory. That is the victory. It doesn't mean you come out and there's no daddy or mommy issues, lo nekuda, but that Hashem is the center? That's a very, very deep thing.
That's what he's pushing us towards in this sefer. Like this is the whole thing. We talk about chinuch, all these different tactics, it's true. We need help in this area: how I speak, how I feed, what I think about when I'm feeding my kids, that's all true.
The love that we spoke about. The olam harigshi, the world of emotions that we speak about. But that the bottom line, b'ezras Hashem, is with what, how you just described. That when that's there, nothing from the world of supplements, which have good intentions but doesn't always work out, they can't knock that down.
They can't knock it down. They can't take it away because that's the most solid thing that can be transfused, mamash like a transfusion. That's the most solid thing. Nothing can touch that.
Look how he continues, mamash what you just said. We'll just do a few more minutes.
בכדי שמסר זה יחדור היטב לתודעה. In order for this to really go deep into our toda'ah, into our consciousness.
אי אפשר להסתפק בכך ששרים בסעודה שלישית ידיד נפש אב הרחמן. And I'm just going to substitute it and say it's not enough you go to Shir HaDavid and you sing Ben-A-Rach, it's not enough.
או במילים אחרות המבטאות כמיהה ואהבה לבורא עולם or any other choice of words that display this longing and love for Hashem.
אלא צריך שהתחושה הזאת תרחף בחלל הבית.
This feeling has to be hovering over the space in the home במשך כל שעות היממה all day long באופן שהילדים יחושו זאת היטב in a way that the children really sense it. Now, this does not mean that all day long you have to blast. shiurim on speakers and the kids are like "oh, my parents are learning all day long," and it doesn't mean that all the things that trigger you, that make you want to run away from Yiddishkeit, it's not what it means and that's not what it was like probably for you either. It's a general sense of our lives are Hashem-based and it happens to be that in our tradition of Yiddishkeit, the way we eat, sleep, and when our children are older and we talk about intimacy with them in the proper and holy way, it's all Hashem-based.
It's all God, all the things of this world are all becoming part of this mangina, of this melody of me and you and it becomes beautiful and it doesn't become this threatening thing. It doesn't become triggering. It becomes real and it becomes felt and the kid feels it.
המסר שעלינו להפנים הוא כי את הנקודה הבסיסית סביבה עלינו לבנות את בתינו אנו למדים, we learn this from who?
מה דרך בה אברהם אבינו עליו השלום חינך את בניו ואת ביתו.
How did Avraham Avinu give chinuch in his house? What do we know? So it says כי ידעתיו למען אשר יצוה את בניו ואת ביתו אחריו ושמרו דרך ה'. So he says like this לאחר שאברהם אבינו זכה להכיר את בוראו, after Avraham Avinu in Parshat Lech Lecha we realize he knows his creator.
הדבר היחיד שמילא לו את הנפש, the only thing that filled his heart and soul was kirvas Hashem וממילא זה משהו חפץ להנחיל להעניק and since that's the only thing that really satiated him, that's the only thing he really was concerned to give over to the next generation as well. So Hashem gives testimony, says I see you.
I see that the only thing that really makes you feel full and whole is feeling close to me. You're the person to carry the covenant. It's through you the covenant will be because that's more important to give over to your child than all the other details. It's this general sense of being close to you Hashem ואני קרבת אלהים לי טוב.
Dovid Hamelech says this but great and actually the bilvavi, the sefer bilvavi, for those of you that were learning with us when we started it like ten years ago, that was the pasuk that we kept on coming back to ואני קרבת אלהים לי טוב. What's the definition of tov? Close to you Hashem and close to you sometimes hurts. When you love someone very much, why you hurt by them? Because you're close to them. If you're not close to someone they don't hurt you.
They can't hurt you. Relationships are what's the right word? They're that's for sure. But no, mentally, emotionally vulnerable. What did you say? Emotionally charged.
Yes. Yes so kirvas Elokim, giving over to your child kirvas Elokim doesn't mean you're not going to get hurt. It means if you get hurt, that's a siman that you actually have kirvas Elokim, that you have closeness to Hashem. The outside concept of God, the one that just cares about Torah u’mitzvos says if you're close to Hashem you never feel it's all good and you're always doing the right thing and it never feels bad.
Ze lo nachon. It's not true. It's not true. It's going to hurt but thank God that those are the things that hurt us in our life and not Spurs fans what they're feeling tonight.
Can you imagine what a Spurs fan feels tonight? They feel such anger, such by us yidden it's so beautiful I hope. When they win gevalt, when they don't, who cares, right? Because those aren't the things that really matter at all in life, at all. My relationship to Hashem is what matters more than anything. Yeah.
So I'm going to take this to a personal space a little bit, but closeness, for example if you want your children to take on more mitzvos, you have to help them create a closeness through that mitzvah. I don't want my children to take on more mitzvos. I want my children to want to take on more mitzvos. Exactly.
No no Jenny, that's a huge difference in the world of chinuch. The chinuch of I want my children to take on more mitzvos has very little to do, in fact it almost makes the next thing impossible, that I want my children to want to take on more mitzvos. Do you understand the difference between the two? What's your real desire? That they keep Torah u’mitzvos or that they want to keep Torah u’mitzvos? Obviously I want my children to want to wear tzitzis. I see all these people wearing tzitzis.
Oh, but there's also all these people that don't wear tzitzis. Yeah, but they don't come to my house. Jenny, there's tons of kids that don't wear tzitzis. There's tons of kids that don't wear tzitzis.
There's also a ton of kids who just do these things because they have to. Yeah, don't get hung up on details. But the thing is, my question is, if you create a closeness to Hashem, then will these people want to take on these mitzvos that the rest of the people already do? We see that with the soldiers who put on tzitzis, who are like so far away from what we know as religion, and they wanted to do this. Yeah, I understand, but we're not in that boat.
We have children who are expected to do it. So I want to create this desire in them to do it naturally, not naturally, but from their heart. And then again, there is a pain in that relationship because if you don't do it, then you feel guilty. Right, right.
So but there's an actual relationship. Right. Nachon. It's very good, these are very important things you're bringing up.
That's funny because I'm not in that close. I mean, we're good at getting to feel Hashem's in our lives, to feel close to... How do you, no no, continue with your question. How do you get kids to feel close to the physical mitzvos that are so abstract? Ah, very good.
Very good question. Very good question. That they should do because it's what you want? I don't know, everyone does it. Tzitzis is in the Torah.
Okay, so fine. Let's scratch that part. No no no, why? Why scratch that? I want them to feel close to taking on the mitzva. Why? Why? I don't wear tzitzis, so...
Take any mitzva. Why do you want them to take on, why do you want them to have a desire to take on a mitzva? Because you're going to have, because the more mitzvos you do, it's a kesher between you and Hashem. You have a closer relationship with Hashem. You could do hisbodedus.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. I'm just going to push back. Why do you want them to do mitzvos? Gosh, can someone else answer that for me? Because they should feel obligated.
I want them to feel obligated to serve Hashem. Why? Why? Why? On one hand, it's because Hashem wants it. On the other hand, I think what you're alluding to is everyone else gets their son a pair of tzitzis. Like, what's going on in my house? It seems like that.
Right. So let's remove the second thing. What's that? It's because it's what Hashem wants and that's why we want our children. Why? But because why? Because that's what we want.
Ah, that's the nekuda. That, or I should say, that should be the nekuda, what you just said, Ruth. Did you hear the end of what she said? It's because it's what we want. It's because this is what we want for ourselves, therefore I want it for my child.
Do you understand? This is very crucial. Which is coming from a good place. It's coming from a beautiful place. But I want him to wear the tzitzis because he knows he's doing a mitzva every time he puts them on.
That's great. But there's a shlav before that, that most of us skip over. There's like a crucial stage that most of us skip over and we go right to that, which is of course the right thing. Do you think I'm going to sit here and tell you don't tell your children to put on tzitzis? Of course.
But I want us to go for the ultimate. The ultimate is that through my telling my child about the mitzva of tzitzis and the way that I give it over, right? I don't have to work so hard on details because my kid sees me invest so much in what's important to me and how that relationship has made the home such a meaningful and beautiful experience that the result is that basically if they want to continue that kesher of what they felt in the home, it all stems from the same place. The love you feel, the love you see between mommy and daddy, abba and ima, all the things you see, tzitzis, it's all coming from the same place, the shoresh. Because it's important to mommy and...
what do you guys at home, ima and abba? Mommy and daddy. Whatever. In my house, mommy and daddy. I grew up ima, Mommy and abba.
That's how it is in my house also, like our house. It's important to Mommy and abba. So that's okay what she said? That it's just because it's what we want? Not just. Not that it's okay or not, but that's where it stems.
That's where it stems from. Not that it's what Mom and Dad because that's what they want from me. It stems from this is what they want for themselves. It feels like a catch-22.
Of course it is, everything real does. 100%. I think we just have to figure out our underlying motivation and be completely honest with ourselves. Sometimes we also gloss over the fact that I want my kid to wear tzitzit because it looks like everybody else is wearing tzitzit.
And that and you can't ignore that, because that's part of the motivation. We live in a community and we want to fit into the community. We want our kids to grow up fitting into the community. So that's one part of the story.
Another part of the story is like this is the lifestyle that we want, we believe in the value of it. And they're very young. They don't, like they're not there yet. But we still- we need to unpack it for ourselves before we can give it over to them.
We have to unpack it to ourselves. I think we just did that. Thank you very much for our session. I don't know how young they are either.
I have a 20-year-old. Yeah, any age. We still have the same challenges. Nachon.
As they get older, I think they can also talk about it. Yeah, and they have their own opinions and everything, who I would love for them to do these things, and he just says "I don't I don't feel that." I'm always like "Well, can we talk about relati- to Hashem?" He's like "This is just not where I am." I don't think that comes from so young. I think look how many yeridot you come. When you're really really young and you're still connected and holy and then you lose it when you get to school age and you don't get it back- I didn't get it back until I went to midrasha after high school.
Everyone's different. Everyone's different. There are no rules, but there are no- there's no klalim in when you, if you, when you lose it. Ein po klalim.
Each person's connection. I think our kids that went through the war feel it much more passionately. I don't think so. I don't believe that at all.
Pain and trauma does not mean that you're what you just said. It means you experienced something and Hashem wanted our kids to be alive through this. I'm looking- I saw footage of Park Hayarkon Thursday night. It was- the contrast of what's going on in this country is just unbelievable.
Did you know, do you guys know who Ben Snir is? He's the singer, Ben Snir is very very famous. He's the one that doesn't wear a kippah but he wears the longest tzitzit in the world. This guy got really strong last few years, he puts down this long- I'm sure Sophie knows who he is. Ben Snir- you've heard of him, he's very very powerful.
I was with him at an event a few months ago and I I just I told him I was like, you know, every parent's dream is that their kids when they go out to party they're going out to talk about Hashem. My girls go to your concerts for their partying and they're screaming songs of emunah with you in Binyanei HaUma. I just want to say as an abba thank you so much. He was so moved.
Who does he call up as a guest during his concert? Ahavat Hashem Gordon. You know who that is? That's the the boxing, the MMA igruf tailandi champion. His name's Ahavat Hashem Gordon and he's like a champion in the world and he wears a kippah and tzitzit. Of co- there's there's something's brewing here.
It's only כי מציון תצא תורה. These things don't translate into anything meaningful in chutz la'aretz. You can only appreciate the value of this here. There are no klalim to the stuff that we're saying right now, but I am very thankful for what Ruth said at the end because that is the ikar.
Giving over to our children is quite often not through anything active, it's like the most passive thing in the world. It doesn't exempt us from the active chinuch we have to give children of להבדיל בין הטמא לטהור בין המותר לאסור. We still have to do those things to teach them knowledge. But that real giving over is the- it's like a pnimy thing that can't be put into words.
So the mechaber is saying you really need to check in with yourself and see is the Ribbono Shel Olam the center of your life? Not in the center of your life when you teach kids. Is it the center of your life bichlal? Bichlal, it's in general. And then you can really give over the infrastructure that you that is most needed for a child, which is that Hashem is everything. And it doesn't sound threatening and it's not triggering.
L'hefech, it's the most it's the most inviting and warm cushion for them to have for the rest of their lives and halevai it should be our zchut that this is a little bit of what we're doing here and what we're doing with our children. That'll be the greatest greatest reward to do in this world. All right, should be a beautiful Shabbos. Alright, should be a beautiful week everyone, thank you.