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Season two. New mission, new system, same haunted wardrobe. The Inquisition is under review, a rival Rogue Trader dynasty already owns the territory, and the Primarchs are inbound — meaning one wrong move near Fimbria Majoris could unravel the entire Crusade. But first, the crew must survive Zedek's sentient walk-in closet, which dresses you in finery and strips you of sanity. Chonkis got promoted. The Dark Eldar got spaced. The closet remains undefeated.
Website: https://www.narrativedeclaration.com
System: WH40K Wrath & Glory
Creators and Guests
Host
Guest
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What is WarHams - Narrative Declaration?
WarHams! The TTRPG live play show set in the grim dark world of Warhammer 40,000. Follow us @NarrativeDeclaration on all social media!
three two one go excellent sexy i hope you all are ready for another exciting episode of warhams
welcome back everybody to another episode of warhams it's so fantastic to see every single one
of your non-existent faces of all of you typing in the chat there everyone being present all the
fun stuff thank you all
you
so very much for coming together in making warhams happen we greatly appreciate it i would also like
to say thank you to the folks who come forth and make the show happen introducing our oscatari
ranger pi brain played by speaker d i'm speaker d i am one of the lead writers for if the emperor
had a texas speech device i play pi brain the impulsive and violent i voice as you're by a
guy
god emperor of mankind and by golly i love wrestling and next up we have our inquisitorial
accolade reeve van hoden played by aaron dill hi i'm randall i am a uh lead writer for if the
emperor had a texas speech device occasional voice actor and general handyman around the server and
i do a whole bunch of shit and i also sit over here and i smack uh speaker d on the head when he
uh refuses to accept the power of pulpo gang
uh i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall
i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall i'm randall and i am your resident
psyker i am playing lauren i'm zoran but next up we have someone very important someone absolutely
wonderful captain sadik he is captain of the debt collector and he's played by hulky crow
yes hello i am hulky crow i play captain sadik thank you very much for having me again i'm uh
on again off again voice actor did you like my cringy speech device i did i loved your songs
i hated it i'm sorry keep going i i mostly play cave on shrike on bro trip or a couple of voices
here and there and some episodes of tds do some stuff for the other people in the warham
warhammer community it's weird saying that after saying warham so often
i'm unhappy to be here and not be in pain i'll hide the fucker be thirsty i'll hide him
i have the powers of obs and now i'm in pain again those are deep powers
i'm getting something cooked up hold on
orb and the one currently messing with a roll 20 overlaid by putting death fuck it be
on top of the thing is thurston hillman all game master welcome back again thurston thanks
for tolerating us so far what do you have
have in store for us today i have things i have many things i have i have so many things that's
great it's great i have nothing funny to say i'll never top my opening line from last uh last
session but uh first of all just a few bookkeeping things so everyone is aware um we've allocated
experience to our players for the uh completion of our first season of play this has brought them
up to uh rank three which is kind of the the highest rank of their current tier this is a
tier two campaign so sort of a middling level uh of the road even though our players have quite
proven they can murder pretty much anything i throw at them uh they've got a bit more experience
so you might see some cool new stuff coming from everyone today um it's a cool reminder we got
fantasy on the way so be on the lookout for that that's gonna be exciting we're gonna get you some
soon for him why i'm a fancy joe woo um and
quick i'd just like to shout out all of the um all of the servitors who are looking after tater
tot on the deck collector today they include uh hannes gerud skitari one patrick b owens uh
skulking 067 tom wilcox jeff max kessler ian roadie dosader and the number eight followed
by the letter z uh thanks to all of those people yes thank you thank you and all of our other
patrons who are in line to look after tater tot uh we all know tater tot needs it uh numbers for
for just a certain amount of dollars per month you too can look after you too can support your
own taters on if we can start the sarah mclaughlin music
for just pennies a dollar you too can support
the
this poor virtual child who was kidnapped by a gang of rogues
by sending the money to those rogues
all right all right uh so yeah i just wanted to shout out to that uh welcome everyone back
this is our second season we're gonna be uh diving straight into it um with the sarah mclaughlin
music still playing as we we cut immediately into our game which starts us in the the mortis
car serum
the the space station our our players this prison complex our players were
trapped in for the past four sessions at the end of our first season having
finally managed to after being apprehended in the first session
going through the their time in the imperium prison industrial complex escaping making their
way uh out and then fighting a group of dark held our xenos pirates our players have made their way
and are finally leaving the station continuing on the
trail of
say say it say it say it yeah fucker to be
and and as as we we we cut to the end of this this sort of arc we we have that sarah mclaughlin
guitar music playing as our camera is showing us inside the hangar bay of the the mortis car serum
and shuttles from the debt collector the these semi-reliable kind of their fleet of harvest
lighters and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and
waters Ukors approaches to to pick up the PCs uh during this our our band of heroes is making
their way onto the shuttles and as this is happening tenants snagging out fucking
spectacles
so
what is wanna like you know all of a sudden um
that it made her tense
so do we know why that Alabama spoon is giving out a deadly punch to my asshole
folk
to where i'm about to leave off i look back i see like the the horde of prisoners who helped
us fight all the dark eldar but i see chonkis there looking up at me i look at him i just nod
and then chonkis looks back at lauren and and he just nods we have an understanding we have a
connection of of respect like we mentally like we mentally and psychologically just fist bump
in some way we have a respect for each other and then and as and as we're and as the engines begin
to rev up i psychically try to communicate to the chonkis so he can hear me a little bit more
clearly and all that he hears is i am proud of you chonkis you are now top bitch and then i turn
clunk flapping and then i enter the enter the thing and as the shuttle takes off bringing the
the players back to the debt collector which sits out further uh beyond the station because
the gravity well of this gas giant would snap the spine of the ship as the shuttle departs and
ferries our our heroes back to the debt collector chonkis is the last one standing in the the
hangar as the shuttle becomes nothing more than a pinprick and a single tear goes down chonkis
space before he turns and heads back into the prison we then cut to the shuttle landing in
the hangar and we see the chonkis and the chonkis and the chonkis and the chonkis and the chonkis
hangar bay of the debt collector where a crowd of menials bridge crew all led by a lieutenant
ransom stands at attention and the the singing song though you can't hear the lyrics because
the sarah mclaughlin music is still playing uh you you do see the the traditional birthday cake
being being delivered towards zedek who walks off the uh the back ramp of the arvis lighter
and there's cheers from the crew as zedek you return finally
back to your ship how do you feel being back on the ship now zedek i have to say it feels
good to be home again seeing all of your smiling faces here it's wonderful although
i don't remember and you have to refresh my memory did i also make another moratorium to
give a birthday cake every time we successfully come back without dying and there's like a sitcom
laugh from everyone there as you as you make this statement uh and then they all share like
sort of glances at each other like uh-oh what did we do uh-oh uh-oh uh and then we cut away from that
and we cut to to this this chamber this this clinical chamber somewhere in the bowels of the
collector and in the corner there is this large stasis unit mounted against the wall
that is frosted over with sort of like
ice and coolant inside it has this dull blue glow and we see this this semi um visible
possibly female figure inside the stasis capsule uh but but it's sort of in the back of the room
and instead there is this other figure who's sitting there looking dagger eyes side to side
unsure what to think having been been shackled in place to the floor and looking around this
this
and then and then the door opens to this chamber and and reeb van horn
walks in and reeb what do you what do you look like as you walk into to your uh your collection
room here reeb is uh entering in he's looking just about as himself as normal uh however he
has brought a small silver looking tray with him and on top of that tray is a silver looking tray
with a small tea set it's got it's got a kettle and it's got two small ceramic mugs and they place
it on a table and i sit down on a stool across from the uh across from the xeno and i crossed my
arms for a moment and the xenos's eyes go incredibly wide and we cut away we cut away to pie brain sitting in one of
sitting in the lower decks of the death collector wiping off some sort of visceral uh blood fluid
off of his power sword sitting in sort of one of the bay windows that overlook space as the the
vessel is making its departure out of this system and heading towards uh the mandible point so it
may depart the system and enter the warp and i i don't fucking know i assume pie brain is sharpening
his sword looking out the door and he's like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so
sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry
and there's like this spectral vision of my face as he's sharpening the plate my face is in the
gm space is that about right yes and he's if he had eyebrows he would get the marker and he's
gonna draw angry eyebrows and be like i'm gonna get you you son of a bitch i'm gonna get you i
just like sure but just make sure we don't forget him on the ship we do have our lovely lemurian
tech addict with us right uh yes yes yes of course of course okay
Because we never made a note of great fact to get him.
We picked him.
We picked up Rohekta.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've picked up Rohekta.
But as you do this, the camera's panning back from your staring out into the face of God while sharpening your blade.
And reveals just like, I don't know, a mound of like lower deck corpses surrounding you for all of the people you have murdered because you had to make up your murder quotient.
Oh, yeah.
Well, now I need to show the tribes what happens when you steal from the Omnissiah.
And with that, the Death Collector enters the warp.
And we can see that like the star system, we see that the planet, the sun moves.
It's moving very fast.
Some kind of time acceleration is happening.
We're skipping forward a bit for however long.
This journey is taking.
But then we see a small shuttle burst out of the warp coming from a larger vessel that's entered the system.
And the shuttle makes its way towards the Mortis Carcerum.
And it lands on the deck.
And from the shuttle comes a small Administratum Menial.
And this Administratum Menial is walking through the Mortis Carcerum, looking around.
At this point, we as the audience are seeing various prisoners who are now dressed in...
Arbidus gear, having clearly been used to replace some of the dead soldiers.
And we see that this Menial presents a small data slate into the arms of a very large Arbite, a very, very chunky Arbite who takes it and proceeds to travel in its almost comical armor up the stairs into the office of the head judge.
Where instead of...
The person, the large, rotund avatar of Doral, now sits Supreme Judge McLaudoter with a new helm representing her new position and Arbite Chonkis drops the data slate off at the table and she, she casually picks it up as the head judge looks at it and reads in big, big, large imperial lettering at the top.
Arbite Chonkis.
Arbite Chonkis.
Arbite Chonkis.
Arbite Chonkis.
Arbite Chonkis.
Arbite Chonkis.
Arbite Chonkis.
Arbite Chonkis.
Arbite Chonkis.
But, but the camera zooms in on all of their eyes, just these steely eyes all looking at each other as they look at Catchivan or this some three to four meters distance between the two groups as this awkwardness sets in.
And we, we cut steely eyed back from, from Pybrain's eyes to Catchivan or to Zedek to Catcha to Reeb to Catcha to Lorne to Catcha.
And then, of course, from Tater Tot who is with them to Catcha as well.
And then Catchivan.
Nord opens her arms
wide.
Who will be the first
to initiate
the big hug?
I
want Reeb to do it.
Yeah, he just got out of a job.
He needs a hug right now.
Wait, do we know about this yet?
No, no, no.
No, none of you
know about this.
Reeb, you're so cool that you work for the Inquisition
and you have such a secure position.
It's really cool.
It's going to be a long lasting tradition
that you stay.
If I was not a tech priest, I would want to be an Inquisition
at all.
You're so cool.
You guys have softened the blow
of that exactly.
No.
For all those
fuckers out there who were like
in TTS, the
Inquisition is
disbanded. Well,
don't worry. We accounted for this.
Fucking turtle
best assholes.
Right.
Reeb does his usual thing.
He gives it his best effort when he goes up to
Katya Van Nord because he's not a weirdo.
Yeah, there's like this like very brief
like meeting, taps on the
backer exchange and then Reeb
backs off leaving room for the other
three. I just motion for the
next person to go forward like,
alright, you're next. Don't make a pig's ear
of this.
I
... What's a pig?
Lauren kneels
down and kind of like taps on
Tater Tot going, come on Tater Tot.
We gotta go do the hug thingy.
So I pick up Tater Tot,
bring him with me and then offer
him as the sacrifice of hugs
to Katya Van Nord.
Oh, you piece of shit.
Heartless.
She, her mecha dendrite-like
hands, and for those of you who are
just joining us, Katya Van Nord is this
statuesque, clearly like void,
born woman with these
mecha dendrite, tendril-like
arm appendages
dressed in blue
finery accented with gold
highlights. This sort of
like large neck piece
of white silk coming up
and the tendrils sort of go
around Tater Tot as she brings
the child in for a hug.
Oh, aren't you the most
adorable things?
As she hugs the child
and we just see Tater Tot's eyes go by
and, and like,
Are you, are you gonna be my new mommy?
I have four daddies now.
Okay, Tater Tot, that's enough.
Okay, hug ceremony's over.
That just-
You're not allowed in the group!
I'm just trying to like, just,
come on, come on, let him go.
Let him go.
Oh, there, look, look there.
It's just Tater.
And like, Tater Tot turns and
Uncle Mej-mej!
And he sort of like, rushes off
to go be with the, the ratlings
who have suddenly appeared by
Katchavan Nord's side to begin
cooking a meal.
Good, good. Who's next?
I suppose
Captain Zedek will go, since he usually
goes laughs and whiffs.
Don't fail this time.
Look, I'm not going to do anything
too exotic.
How would you just not make a roll?
Yeah, that's, that's it.
I'm not doing anything too exotic.
Captain Zedek will go up to Katchavan Nord
and attempt to hug her.
He's learning.
He's learning.
Absolutely.
Absolutely. Make a roll.
Yeah. What, what, what skill would you
like to make for this test?
Because I, yeah, exactly.
Fine. I'll make a, a fellowship test.
There we go. That sounds good.
Yeah, sure.
That sounds like a roll that I can make.
Yeah.
Have you learned from last time?
Here's a, here's a, here's a fellowship test.
Here's a fellowship test.
Yeah, I believe.
That's not bad.
That's not bad.
It's for, for glory.
Very good, Captain.
As, as like the Mechadendrites come around you.
You have done very well on your past mission.
Pat, pat, pat, pat.
Now, please depart.
Captain Zedek will release Katya.
Then she turns to, to look at both,
well, sorry, to, to, to steely-ly lock
her eyes with, with Pibrain.
Danaaa!
Pibrain will keep those eyes locked.
He will move ahead of the crew,
but not quite up to catch a Vandord yet.
Taking a few meters distance between the two of them.
Oh, for you son of a...
Okay. Yes.
There, here we go.
He is going to lift his leg high,
and then to the side.
Lift his other leg high,
to the side.
Assume a grappler
pose. He's in horse stance.
He's in horse stance!
And then he's going to,
getting down, he's going to say,
Alright! Now you
charge at me this time!
What?
What are you talking about?
In order for us to do the
Hagrit, you must fight
me! Have you been eating your
chancornabi?
I am so confused.
I enjoy that every time we try
to hug each other, it's like fucking rocket surgery.
Yes!
This is the most basic action
that is fucked up
beyond all belief.
It's hug science.
If you, I,
did research on this, yes,
this hugging ritual
is quite commonly used as sports
entertainment in
the Damoclean Gulf!
Yes.
If you do not meet
my challenge, then I will
win by fuzenpai!
A loss by default
for not appearing at a scheduled
bout.
What?
That's not how any of this works!
You,
you refuse to fight
me in the hug.
Then,
then I win by default, but it is
a sour victory! Please attack me!
If you keep this up, I will have to
dock you points.
Okay!
I just go up the hugger normally.
That's all you have to say.
I go up the hugger normally, and then go up.
It's like the meekest hug, and then go away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, right.
Well, it has been some weeks
since your journey to the
Mortiscus Aram, and then your return here.
Yeah, it's been quite a while.
That is true.
You are continuing on the pursuit of
Slayerburgo de Fakirby,
the 25th of his name.
This is also,
though, true.
Did you find any additional
insight into
our errant
diplomat's location?
At, um...
Okay, Zedek, would you like
to give the report?
Zedek would like to give the report
if he can pull out the report
in his pants. I mean, they may have fallen out
of his latest pair of ripped trousers.
Give him a moment.
Currently, you haven't
complicated yet, so your trousers,
are not, not ripped yet.
Oh, good, we, uh, we re-established
continuity with my ass cheeks.
Yeah, for now.
Speaking of your ass cheeks,
um, for chat, for Confused Better,
I've updated the overlay for their current stats.
Um, it's what's currently
written on their character sheet at the time,
so if anything's wrong, then, uh,
we'll address it some time later,
but now it's updated.
But back to your ass.
Yeah, back, back to Hulky's ass.
Uh, yes, the, uh,
we do need to talk about that, yeah.
Of course.
Of course, it's prudent things we get to talk about
on Warcamps every session.
Well, uh, based on the intel we've received
while on the Mortis Carcerum,
the best guess we could make is that
de Fuckerby is heading towards the
Ghoul Stars, if I do recall.
Although, that is less pressing than the fact that
de Fuckerby may have had some
unholy or inhuman assistance,
if de Fuckerby is indeed a human,
at all.
I do believe as an ambassador he is quite human.
To, to indicate or even accuse one of being a mutant
is, is a grave charge that one must have
to find proof for.
Oh, oh no, I make no assertion or assumption
that he is a mutant, rather that
he may not necessarily be, well, a man.
In the mortal sense.
Captain.
What I'm saying is it may be someone who is not human.
Captain.
Yeah.
If I may?
Yes, you say it better than I do, Reeb.
You understand the Icky Xeno creatures better than me.
Yes, I would, I would hope so.
Miss Van Noord, we are still compiling our case,
so to speak, against Mr. de Fuckerby.
We have many leads that we are currently following
while we do business on base.
Business on behalf of the Crusade.
However, we, of course, are still working at it.
But the fact is, we are coming up with ever more leads to follow,
and while a lead is simply a lead and not concrete evidence,
the amount that we continue to find in his wake is troubling,
not least of which for the fact that he leaves so many threads
dangling behind him like an incontinent spider.
Your word, please.
Quite amusing, Reeb Van Horn.
I will explain to you what I know currently.
That is, after the Mortiscaste harem,
Slaubergo de Fuckerby made his way to a nearby system
where he arranged passage on board a vessel called the Carillon.
Once he was on board the Carillon,
we have lost all communication with him.
I believe the Carillon was making its way to the Fimbria system
that borders near the Ghoul Stars.
What are the Ghoul Stars?
The Ghoul Stars are a cursed place,
also known to some as the Ghost Stars,
a region of space that is far, far at the reaches
of our space, the very northeast,
beyond even the eastern fringes of our great Imperium,
the Emperor's great Imperium.
They are mostly comprised of dead worlds.
Fimbria is, the Fimbria system, I should say,
is an important, nay, perhaps one of the most important systems
at the border of such a region,
for it possesses an impressive hive world and mining operations.
Fimbria Majoris is a well-known Imperial world.
In fact, it is not known by many,
and Catcher leans in conspiratorially.
But the greater Crusade fleet will be making its way
through the Fimbria system on its latest leg of its journey.
Why is it held in secret?
Does it have powerful technology or other strategic usefulness?
The Fimbria system itself is not secretive,
but the Crusade fleet's passing through is a great secret.
It is believed that the Primarch, or Primarchs as it were,
will be on board the fleet as it translates through the system.
They are in danger.
I do not know, but I will say,
if you wish to continue your search for Slareburgo de Fakrabi,
then you must travel there in pursuit of the Carillon.
If you can find the Carillon,
you will no doubt find what has happened to de Fakrabi,
as well as any plans he may have with relation to the system.
Your best bet would be to meet with the Planetary Governor,
Jeremia Zelensk.
This action will be done,
but I wish to make you aware of my threats
of an ongoing conspiracy within the Crusade.
A conspiracy?
I know, it made me make that same noise.
It's true, I heard him.
Not this bloody thing again.
It is not some irrational happenstance,
Reeb.
We went to the planet that was compromised mentally.
Mental compromise.
Ah, lads!
Okay, now I will tell you the real thing.
Reeb looks like he's in pain.
I just like the idea that it's like firing a heavy weapon in a video game.
It gets too hot and he has to pause for a second.
Yeah, yeah.
I told you to stop cocking it.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Okay, now I am ready.
Everywhere we have traveled,
Slyburgo de Fuckerby, the annoying weird guy,
has been finding ways to compromise entire populations of planets,
a feat that, while I am no expert in this field,
seems beyond a psycha of his expressed magnitude.
We believed that this suspicious activity carried over for some time
when we went to Shady Rock,
we found a hidden area filled with dangerous xenos
and compromised Lemurian personnel.
Lemurian personnel that Slyburgo not only engineered the deaths of,
but also commandeered as slave labor.
We rescued this laborer from the penitentiary,
only to discover that the conspiracy went further still.
The great arbitrator was a heretic himself
and blamed Slyburgo for sealing something of great value to him
and to the Dark Eldar.
The head administrator, as you no doubt know,
was taken away by those xenos
and the entire station almost lost to a xenos attack.
In addition, similar psychic distortions to the ones we experienced on Shady Rock
carried over to this place.
Even a workman from Shady Rock,
whose mind was addled beyond saving,
was there, casting illusions on supply closets,
seeming to bend us all towards one particular angle,
an object that this administratum agent,
or sorry, arbitrator had.
It seemed to be of great value,
not only to him, but Defuckaby.
If I had to surmise,
Defuckaby stole this object
and then the Dark Eldar came looking for it,
and wherever Defuckaby goes,
the Dark Eldar might follow.
It means then that you must move with all due haste
to apprehend Slyburgo Defuckaby.
You must travel immediately to the Fimbria system
and find what has happened to the carillon.
However,
and she raises one of her mechadendrite hands,
you must know that with the Crusade fleet's
scheduled arrival in the system,
the planetary governor has been given
unorthodox authority.
He is the leader of the system's most populous world,
but it means that you, even as agents of
the ambasadorium,
must submit yourselves to his authority.
Begging your pardon,
don't I technically hold more authority than him?
And she pauses and leans.
Not in this case.
Because of the involvement of the Primarchs,
there is increased security.
Though your authority technically would allow you
the authentication of it,
as well as certain other matters that are currently
under review,
regarding the status of the Inquisition,
mean that your authority will give you great leeway,
but you will still be under the authority
of planetary governor,
Jeremiah Zelensk.
Kareem is going to pause immediately
at hearing under review.
The Inquisition is under review.
Excuse me?
There are certain reports coming from the Primarch
and supposedly from Holy Terra itself.
The authentication of those documents is currently underway.
I cannot say much more at this time,
but know that the Inquisition's authority remains absolute
in all but this one case right now.
That is very convenient for the planetary governor.
Captain Zedek will also raise a hand.
Captain Zedek will also raise a hand.
Oh, yes, Captain.
Now, be that as the condition of the Inquisition may be,
what does that say for my own authority?
I thought that being a road trader were kind of
not subject to the will of planetary governors
or even in some cases the Inquisition.
I of course don't mean to make an ass of myself
more than I typically do,
but I do want to know how much room I have to
step on his toes, so to speak.
You have authority in the form of having
a fucking starship, so...
I'm sorry.
That joke scared me.
Hey, lady, only we're allowed to curse.
Yeah, you're my new man.
GM timeout.
If you go back to the first episode,
one of the first things she says is,
no, fuck you.
So...
Fuck you?
Work in the House of Imagery.
First thing to be prepared this time.
Correct.
But she leans in.
But with that starship,
you have a certain freedom
that others would not have.
But I will stress,
working with the planetary governor
would very likely make your task in the system easier.
There are several worlds in the Fimbria system,
and Jeremia Zelensk has information
on all of them.
Interesting.
Fuck.
Do you happen to have any information
on Governor Zelensk, Lady Katya?
Not much.
I know he is a competent,
if dedicated, governor.
One who, like most planetary governors,
has inherited much of his position
from old warrants and information.
But I have been told he is someone
that Imperial authorities find reasonable
to work with.
Reasonable?
That's a concerning statement.
The red flag raises ever higher.
I will trust you to figure out
what it is you need.
Now, I will also say
that this system, the Fimbria system,
is very important.
So it is likely when you arrive,
you will be spending a lot of time there.
So be prepared for such an eventuality.
If there are things you need,
you will want to make strong contacts
within the system itself.
We have to bring snacks.
Don't worry, I know a guy
and I can say that in any star system
and be accurate.
Yes, but I trust you.
Do you want to roll for that?
Can I roll for that?
I mean, you're generally not bullshitting.
You're kind of going based off of your...
Well, you're going based off the fact
that you're a rogue trader
who kind of gets special abilities
that denote that.
However, however,
I will let you make me a cunning test.
Sure, I'll attempt to make a cunning test.
God, I hope I don't complicate on this one.
Cunning?
Yeah, cunning here is going to be fine.
I believe in you.
Let's do it.
Let's make a test.
How cunning.
Here we go.
It's a nine in three glory.
Whoa!
I'll just mark it, man.
Yeah, you, with that,
you get a fucking success
because every dice you rolled is a success.
I was going to say a four
was what you were going to need.
So I will let you not only like,
yeah, you know some people there.
I will let you pick two other planets
in the Fimbria system
that you would have contacts on.
And just so you are aware,
there are a total of, well,
four planets in the Fimbria system.
So Fimbria one through four.
Fimbria five is like a fucking dead ice world Pluto.
So it doesn't count, but.
My next question was going to be
if one of them just happened to be a gas world.
So if I chose that planet on accident,
it's like, oh, well, you know,
that planet's made of gas.
Four is a gas giant,
but it has 24 distinct moons.
You know all of this because you,
like as a rogue trader,
you generally would go out to like the fucking,
border edges of space.
And so Fimbria is a port of call
because it's one of the largest hive cities
and just industrial complexes
that is right at the border
of that section of the Imperium.
Okay.
I will say Fimbria two and Fimbria four
since I'm sure some information
on its numerous moons would be valuable.
Yeah, I will note that down.
We'll talk a bit more about the system in a bit.
Oh yeah.
Kai is just going to look at Zedek
with his big beady glowy eyes.
You know someone in every system?
Well, I can't say I know per se,
but I happen to know of people.
Do you know anyone in Tau Ceti One?
Do I know anybody in Tau Ceti One?
Of course I do.
Do you know anyone in Tau Ceti One?
Do you know anyone in Tau Ceti Two?
I'm going to make a deception check.
Because even Hoagie doesn't know
if Zedek knows anybody in Tau Ceti One or Two.
Reed goes up behind Pie
and is prepared to thump him on the back of the head
if he says, do you know anyone in Tau Ceti Three?
Do you know anyone in Tau Ceti Three?
Pie with two icons.
I smack him in the back of the head.
Ow.
Do you know anyone in Tau Ceti Four?
I do.
I know a good buddy of mine.
Well, Lorne, you've been everywhere.
Yeah, I've been everywhere, man.
I will let you go on your way.
You have much to research, much to do.
I will be joining with the Primarchs
and the Great Crusade Fleet,
so you will not see me for some time
until the fleet itself makes its way
into the Fimbria system.
I do trust all of you to ensure
that the Crusade Fleet suffers no problems
when it translates into the system.
She leans in.
For if you do that,
there will be a great deal of points in it for you.
You know I live for this shit.
Good, good, good.
Off with you, off with you.
Okay, did we get a lot of points?
Like infinity plus one points
for the other things that we did?
We did lots of stuff.
Yeah.
There's also the issue with the prisoners.
Mr. Zedekir made a big, big, big old boy
and he promised.
Big number.
Maybe bigger than the guy we know
is a traitor now.
What promise did Captain Zedek make?
Yeah.
Yeah, Zedek, tell him all about it.
Let me throw you under the bus real quick.
I know, thank you, Jeff.
Thank you, Lauren.
Are you sure it wasn't Reid
when you were talking about the...
No, it was you, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Hey, Reid, what did you say to Travis?
Yes.
Mr. Rattanoag?
I do wish to point out that during the insurrection of Jukari pirates
that were engaging the station,
there was a statement which I had made to the prisoners of the Lower Decks
indicating that the individual among them
who successfully slew the most Jukari in that station
would be getting an inquisitorial pardon.
Yes, I believe that has already been...
And she pulls up a hololithic display and goes through some data.
It appears that has already been sanctioned by an inquisitor
who has pardoned several of the staff on board the station
and relegated them to new taskings as deputy arbitrators.
Ah, so it was a tie then. Fancy that.
Huh.
It came from...
Oh, interesting.
It came from one inquisitor, Lord Melchior.
Ah!
What is he doing presiding over this?
Probably keeping an eye on us.
I shall have to inquire with him later about that.
Reb, would you like to, you know, since he's on, you know, our good side,
would you like to potentially send him a scroll
and ask if we can request, you know,
several of those folks to join us on the debt collector?
I will.
Put in a requisition as soon as I am able, but, you know, bureaucracy.
Oh, I understand.
Please do.
I promise several of them who help me out
that they would be welcome on the debt collector's crew.
And I hope the favors were the ones who were pardoned
because I would hate to have some people I didn't trust enough
to follow my every order to come on board.
Yeah, let's offer them a job.
At least the ones we like.
If they don't have a job already serving as arbitrators.
I mean, a job with us, you know how exciting it is here.
Yes, we have much higher casualty ratings than that place.
Yeah, yeah.
Cut to Tater Tot turning wide-eyed and looking at all of you.
You do realize that's a bad thing, yes?
What?
High mortality.
That means you die more frequently.
But big number, good number.
I don't die as frequently.
You haven't died at all.
Right, right, right.
Well, with all of that, please, the food is...
Yeah.
The food is...
Please go back to your ship.
I trust you.
Make sure the Crusade fleet doesn't explode or something.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Bye.
Okay.
I will grab Tater Tot and put him on my shoulders.
I intentionally leave him behind.
I will not allow you to leave our boy behind.
I will take Tater Tot and put him on my shoulders.
Yeah, yeah.
So, like, the shuttle ride, like, back is...
Well, actually, I was hoping to do something on the ship
before we left.
Jesus, okay.
I'm concerned.
You guys wait on the shuttle.
I will be, like, a few minutes.
I must check something mysterious.
But there's gonna be barbecue ready.
Yes, I know.
Don't worry.
I will be right back.
Frank, Brad, pick up the snacks.
We need to stop piling snacks before we go.
I will probably forget tonight.
Don't forget, you fool.
All right.
I'm fucking worried, but sure.
All right.
So, this is, like, the head of the fleet, right?
Well, okay.
This is, like, a major ship in the Officio Ambassadorium.
This is, like, Katcha Van Nord's personal flagship.
It's one of the, we'll say, one of the, like, lead ships
in the Crusade Ambassadorius.
Okay.
Which means that there's plenty of, like, you know,
this is where, like, transmissions and mail between systems,
between other ships, to and go, can, like, be shipped off, right?
Right.
In astropathic communications, yes.
Yeah.
What about physical objects?
Certainly.
Like, what, are you looking for, like, a mail, like, slot?
Pretty much.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Okay.
I'm looking for something relatively high priority.
Okay.
And that won't get a lot of eyes.
Okay.
What are you specifically looking for?
I want to send some transmissions to Lemuria.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
So, like, you're looking to send, like,
just some, like, some written transmissions or something?
Some written transmissions and maybe some physical evidence.
Yeah, yeah.
You kind of, like, go through the data.
Well, give me a tech check, actually, to see.
Sure, sure.
Absolutely.
I'll be pumping two glory into this.
Yeah.
Take that.
Yeah.
Yeah, bounce.
Oh, yeah.
Taste the beans.
Seven.
Yeah.
So, seven gets you enough information to find that there is a small
warp-capable lighter that's actually docked here.
That is set to make several, like, rounds through several prominent systems.
One of which is Lemuria.
So, you make your way knowing that there's sort of a drop-off.
And as an ambassador, like, of the Ambassador,
you can go in and make such delivery, no problem.
You go to, you go there with your data slates in hand.
And as you do and you go to deliver them, you hear,
Ah, hello, friend.
It is I, Ro Hector.
It is good to see you again.
As you see, like, outside of this small lighter, there's, like, a gaggle of people.
But one that approaches you is the tech-adapted Ro Hector.
Ah, Ro Hector.
It is very good to see that you are operational.
How are you?
Very good.
Thank you for asking.
I am making my way back to Lemuria after all of these events.
I have been formally debriefed here and will now be,
going back to Lemuria, to continue research into my findings.
This is very good.
Might I ask, is there anything that you might know that might connect all of this to this conspiracy?
I hope to find out.
And by going to Lemuria, I certainly believe that I can find more information.
With the data repositories and manufactorum there, I am certain I can,
better research some of the strange zenos events that have occurred.
Yes.
You have ensured that you are not cognitively compromised, I hope?
I have made sure that there will be others watching me as well.
One of the tech priests, Dominus on Lemuria is very interested in hearing what I have to say.
And I am very interested in providing that information.
I have been invited out there to go work with these tech priests.
I cannot say who at this time.
But perhaps in the future...
The future, you and all of your friends, will make a trip to Lemuria.
That would be lovely.
I very much miss our old forge world, and to show these people our true wondrous depths.
But while you are leaving, I would request a favor from you.
Of course.
I have been accumulating reports in case our retinue is destroyed of what exactly we are working on.
I have compiled a record of our every journey and adventure, as well as specifications of our ongoing mission,
the details of Defakabi's plot, all of this and more, including evidence of those Xenoforms.
And their technology.
I have assembled all of this in a container, and I would like it to be delivered to Tech, my former secutor, Tech Priest Pythagoras.
Of course, I have heard of Pythagoras, who is quite skilled with the Omniscient Axe,
able to accomplish feats unheard of by normal men with an Omniscient Axe,
because...
They clearly cheated and put way too many stat bonuses into their Omniscient Axe.
I know, it was very impressive, and we know that he is cool.
But that aside, if this could get back to somewhere we could trust, my old superior, or anyone you may trust,
that would be most important.
Should we die, I believe no one but Lemuria would be best suited to unraveling this web of intrigue.
Of course I would do so, and I...
I will make sure.
My plan is to go to provide a debriefing where I will provide these documents, and then...
Then, friend, he sort of leans in,
I plan to take at least some time off to enjoy the Forge Springs.
It has been a while since I have relaxed.
Well, you have certainly earned it, Ro Hector.
And I am going to hand him this container with basically all of my...
All the plot summaries, all of my information, you know.
Of course...
Of course, all written as, you know, Tech Priest Piebrain.
Tech Priest Explorator Piebrain, and all that.
Including all of the Xeno weapons, the two splinter rifles that I had accumulated, and we'll be transmitting it to Lemuria.
Yeah, he takes it all reverently, and I will make sure this gets to where it needs to go.
And again, I make a promise to you, and to your allies, that one day we will all stand on Lemuria together,
and find more of what is happening here.
But until that day, I am Junior Megos Ro Hector, signing off.
And he turns and, like, walks away carrying the bundle.
And he makes his way towards the ship, and then, as, like, everyone's sort of, like, filing on board,
you notice he pauses, and just stops moving.
And then, with some form of, like, rigidness, he turns back,
back to you, his head cocked slightly.
Where you go, you will find allies in strange places.
You must listen to them, or you will not survive.
And then he kind of, like, shakes his head slightly, and then, like, looks down.
Oh, I must be going.
Goodbye, friend.
And turns and walks on.
Goodbye.
Pie gets jump scared.
Omnissiah, preserve us.
Well, perhaps that's what he is doing now.
And with my resolve redoubled, I am going to skitter back, think about getting the snacks.
All right, fine, I'll get the snacks.
And then I will come back, like, probably, like, 40 minutes later, leaving everyone bored.
You're all, like, in the back of the shuttle waiting, and you just see Tater Tot in the Dreadknight-esque carriage,
in the side of the Arvids.
Just sort of, like, kicking his little feet.
And that's when I went to the Beef Kings for a bit, and they were really nice.
It smelled good there.
And then the Promethean buffers came in, and they wanted me to try all sorts of things.
But I said, I'm not old enough.
Not me.
There you are.
I'm glad you said no, little thing.
I've got the snacks.
I know I am.
I taught him.
I am pie.
I have brought pies.
Do you understand?
There is a pun I am uninformed about.
But whatever.
You people like it.
Idiots.
Anyway, here you go.
Ah, thank you.
Thank you.
I grab, like, all the chips, and, like, jury, and all this other stuff.
Ah, here you go, Bray.
I think this is yours.
And I hand him a container.
And then it's just, like, oil bites.
No, these are his.
And with that, the shuttle takes off.
And brings you back to the debt collector.
At this point, you're back on the debt collector.
What I would like to do at this point is get a sense from each of you.
You're going to be going through the warp as you're doing that.
What are all of you planning to do for this journey?
You don't know exactly how long it's going to take.
But you can guess it's going to be a bit of you're going to have a bit of downtime here.
So I just want to go through everyone.
We'll start with Lorne as we have some warp travel.
We have some warp travel on the way to the Fynrya system.
I think back, and it's just, you know, pure psychic meditation.
Thinking of my time on Fynrys, of my village that I used to oversee as shaman.
You know, watching as all the little Fynrysians would pitter patter about in the snow.
And then recalling the days when the enemy, you know, tribe came over and raided it.
And when I blew them all up and then I saw that I was the only one left.
I recall in those days and the one person who led that raid.
But I don't think of that person anymore.
He is a shadow, an emanation, a ghost that I put away long before.
And that's what I do on the ship.
I think and I remember.
And I remember Fynrys.
Sweet.
Can you give me a psychic mastery test?
Yes.
Oh, fuck you.
That's like the one test you're good at.
Like the one time I actually asked you to make the psychic mastery test.
You're like, well, shit.
No, no.
I say shit.
Because then I can complicate and kill us all.
I mean, obviously.
I don't care.
It's fine.
Let's do it.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to blow up.
Let's see who goes.
Three.
It just sucks.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool.
You spend your time in psychic meditation.
Excellent.
Excellent.
And that is your thing during the journey.
He's thinking about a song while he's meditating.
So it's not terribly good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Captain Zetic.
What are you?
And I also want to point out, like, if any of you want to research, you know, here's
the asterisk from the gym.
If any of you want to research or look into anything like on where you're going or what
you're doing.
Now is obviously the time.
Lauren is thinking back because, you know, that's Lauren.
But if the other the others of you want to do any research or anything now is a opportune
time for that.
But Captain Zetic, what would you like to do?
So Captain Zetic will spend the majority of his time.
Actually, funnily enough, that you mentioned that doing research on the Fimbriga system
looking back to the books that he has any logs in the notes for you to see if anything
that we can find can really give us an advantage.
Going into a another strange world.
However, he will also take into account the experience he had on the loading docks of
the mortis car serum.
And looking back at his clear twist of fate, which prevented him from getting murked in
that moment, really think about the impact that his voice may have on others and more
specifically his humor.
And as such, will acquire the talent gallows humor.
Oh, very nice.
Very power.
Okay.
Okay.
So for those of you who are interested, the gallows humor talent lets you take a simple
action to make a grim joke whenever you are wounded or suffering from a condition that
lets you basically do a fellowship test.
And if you succeed, you can recover shock, which is really good.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
So are you going to do any research like you?
That's obviously like a character thing.
But is there anything specifically like any skill test you want to do as far as researching
goes or?
Sure.
I'll try to make a scholar check to see if I can glean either any history of like, I
suppose, insurgent or Zeno's presences on this planet or just the general.
Okay.
Social customs.
There's a few things that are going on here.
You can.
Like, if you're going to do scholar, there's like.
You can do a scholar on the system, which will give you some generic stuff.
You can do a scholar check on the planets in the system individually.
I'll let you kind of focus on one of those if you'd like.
So at a basic level and all of you would know this just from like pulling up your data slates
and getting some like information.
I'm sure Ransom provides this to you.
But the Fimbria system has five planetoids in it.
Fimbria one through five.
If you want to know more about any of those.
That would be like a specific.
If you want generic information on all of them, then that would just be like a scholar
check as you are doing generic on the whole system.
So what would you like to focus on?
Captain Zedek.
Oh, and you would know that Fimbria one is also known as Fimbria Majoris.
That's the hive.
Okay.
We'll start with Fimbria.
I'll just do a specific scholar check on Fimbria Majoris.
See what I can glean.
What's their society like?
What's.
Who's fighting down there?
Who's the problem?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Give me a.
Give me.
Give me a scholar check and we'll see how this one goes.
Absolutely.
Scholar check coming right up.
Cool.
It's going to be a two with a complication.
Complication.
All right.
Yeah.
All right.
Actually.
Can I.
Can I wrath this?
You can.
Absolutely.
It won't.
It won't change the complication.
Oh, no.
I don't expect to.
Oh, please.
Please.
Could you do it again while reading?
Would you want to wrap it?
Or would you want to add three glory to it?
Because you actually have more dice from adding or three glory to it.
It's up to you if you're if you would like me to use the glory I'm happy to.
I mean, I'm fine with the glory thing, but it's also two.
You go spin a wrath or glory.
Oh, true.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you're comfortable with me spending the glory, I'm happy to spend the glory in this.
Yeah.
I don't care.
Go for it.
Let's toss three.
Three D6 at that.
Nothing happened.
No.
Start number four.
Let's get ahead of it.
starting off strong would you would you like to spend the wrath sure you know what let's do it
i want to know can you show me the m i want to know about these strangers on this planet
jesus god nothing still happens you get to reroll the three dice too because i'm generous
all right let's go let's go fuck this up too man
this is clearly fate this is fate so your total is three with a complication um anything if not
i'm i'm going to put in the combination now which is i'm going i'm going to give you some
yes yes zorin no no i'm saying as you go through i wanted to recap for people this is on you
so this fucker roll the two after one two three four five
die
yeah
one of them the wrath three complicates then gets glory and fails all three of them then rats and
fails all of them but one it gets a three total i love you okay you're one of my favorites i do my
best and i'm waiting for me to do worse so you could just shit on me so it's kind of karma's
role no i can't afford to have you do worse because if you do worse on like a psychic mastery
i'm turning into a chaos spawn i'm counting on it all right i'm using i'm i'm using a complication
here uh that's more more like something i'm putting in because it it fits really well and
it's it's it's kind of some some foreshadowing of things um so zedek you for once are just gung-ho
on doing some research you've you've you know set the you've set the mood lighting in your room
you've got some kind of low
you've got some kind of low
you've got some kind of low
ambient music playing you've pulled out the ancient tome on the fimbria system you are you
are going to start reading and that's when like when you open the the old familial books on
fimbria there's there's something that's wedged in the the sort of like opening of the fimbria
system book and that's when you see just a very simple note left by some some
progenitor you're not sure if it was your father if it was someone like further down in in in your
your lineage but it simply reads that lecoq goes here and as you read that you remember
your family's great rivals the lecoq dynasty
oh
oh
oh
You're okay thurston lecoq
You're okay thurston lecoq
You're
You're okay thurston lecoq
This is this is what you have done to me you have done this to me how could you how could you betray me like this
Whose ideal was it?
Whose idea was it?
Who do i care?
Your fault
Is it thurston's or is it alphas?
No you tell me
I mean either way either i i said it now for a preview
I mean either way either i i said it now for a preview
it or alpha said it and i approved it so really it's both of us you got 40 bucks good work everyone
but but yes the lakak dynasty is a proud group of rogue traders who uh trawled many of these
star ways and in fact like there's just this continual family line of of every time that
your your family zedek was going to like make some big score or like really like establish
trade relations farther out from the imperium the lakak dynasty got there first and whilst you have
now been relegated to like one ship and that is all that's left of your dynasty it's known that
the lakak dynasty has several ships and in fact several families that now execute their warrants
of trade upon reading this zedek's eye will twitch
you
knowing the ramifications of an encounter with the lakak dynasty
and at that he will go down to the bridge he has decided that research is done for the day
he can't handle this he needs to talk to somebody regarding the cake policy
can i can i also just say that like zedek reading literally the first like like thing that drops
out of a book and then stopping studying and leaving is the most zedek thing of this
episode
like i said if i'm anything it's consistent and then yeah you you you stand up go to the bridge
and i don't know your pants split on the way um thank you you're welcome just can't have an
episode without it gotta gotta gotta toss that in there all right reeb what are you doing with
your uh with your downtime here as as as the ship is making its way towards the fimbria system
um well i would say that reeb is definitely
spending most of his time getting information
out of our Dark Eldar.
Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Absolutely.
What information are you trying to get
from this Xenos
that you are now keeping in
your chamber of
acquisitions?
Yes, the
definitely not named Xenos
that you definitely don't know the name of
who has definitely not been inflicted upon
Hatsune Miku.
Shut your
balls.
The
well, primarily
because we don't have the
primary Xenos,
the creepy lady, you know, the one
who was very sadistic and evil, you know,
Dark Eldar shit. We don't have
her around. So I'm basically just going
to be getting information out of
this Xenos. I'm going to be like, hey, what's
the deal with the fucker be? Because clearly
it's it's very
happenstance that you guys would show up
to do almost a cover up
on this regard. So he's
going to be, you know, doing
that, but not in a tortury way.
He's going to do it in his very reed way
at first. What kind
of skill would you like to use for
this diplomatic
overture?
Well, I
mean.
Basically, what would you listen to? It would be
a persuasion, obviously. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
That sounds fine. Give me a persuasion check.
It's a
seven. Oh, very nice.
At first, I would like to point out
at first, if things
don't if things start to not go well,
he will, of course, be like, ah,
good.
And I want to set the stage
here. He's not like sitting down
at like a like a hardboiled detective.
There's like a metal table
in the same area where
the the elder is being held.
And there's two chairs.
And there's a tea set.
And he has instructed the
elder very carefully to be very careful
with this tea set as he got it from his
supervising inquisitor
inquisitor Harlan back home. So
if this one, if this Xenos
fucks with it, there will be consequences.
Very, very dire
consequences. And he makes that very
apparent.
That's what I'm what I'm saying is don't fucking
wreck it. Don't don't wreck it
Thurston. It's very
important.
Gosh. Okay.
Like
part of part of it is
I have yet
to truly decide on
what voice is appropriate
for
this specific Xenos.
So
you know what you need to do.
What do I need to do?
You know
you've listened.
You know what she
sounds like. You know
what? You're
absolutely right.
Thank you. Thank you
for illuminating me on what
must be done with this voice.
Sign language. It is
your
whole. I think your tea set to be
mighty fine. I'm quitting
this series. We're done.
I need to go. Bye, guys.
Bye, guys.
Bye, guys.
So how long do you plan
on keeping me here
for?
The answer
Xenos is until
you manage to furnish
with me enough information that I am
satisfied. If you provide me
enough information.
I promise not
to vivisect you.
Sound fair?
Yo, you know
back home, we really do like you.
Vivisection. Sometimes we be
cutting up things for days after they
fall in the arenas. One day
I'm sure you'll end up in the arena and
we'll cut you up too, yo.
If you
keep up this line of antagonistic
behavior, you won't live to see it.
Now, please, if you don't mind.
Uh, Thurston?
Yes? Spend a wrath.
Can she not talk like that?
All right, all right.
All right.
No, this is not. Hey, Gene. Hey, can I
like spend my tactical advantage
to make this one
shot character who's probably gonna die
anyway, not sound like a pirate?
I would totally
do that. I'd make her sound
like Miku, damn you.
You think Thurston can do Miku?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He died, he'll die.
I would also like to spend a wrath so that he sounds
or sorry, a hot scene of an aerial sounds
specifically like by pirates.
I'm good.
Just move on.
All right.
All right. So you're the information that you
you receive is very clear
that this this particular Zenos
is unaware of
anyone named Slayer Bergo
de Fuckerby and that they simply tagged
along on what they were promised was
going to be a raid on a monkey
installation so they could bring
play things back to the dark city of
Kamara.
Can I can I coax
out of this?
Uh, shitty elf, the, um,
were they told any tips?
Like, did someone tip them off?
Or was this planned from the beginning?
Oh, no, we planned to go right in there.
We planned to to take all of the monkey
hostages and bring them back.
But then your big ship, it it's got us.
And I guess they had to abandon us on the station.
They did.
Oh, well, it's a damn ship.
Shame you're useless to me, then.
I like this tea set.
It's mighty fine.
It is, isn't it?
I'll take my tea cup back now.
Thank you.
Excellent.
All right.
So with that, we will cut to let's
let's let's go to Pi Brain now.
What's Pi Brain doing with
Pi Brain's downtime?
Pi Brain is there
with Tater Tot
and Belva
in a dark
room.
He didn't from sight that he has counted.
He has authorized Belva certain budget privileges that allow her insane conspiracy boards to now basically take up at least three rooms on the ship and is now walking around this insanity network with Tater Tot nearby and explaining his reasoning for like,
We're like we must mass.
The conspiracies are beginning to mount Belva.
You were correct in your original insinuations.
Now we know that.
That's right.
The Primarchs aren't real.
More than that, if they are real, what happens if if they exist in another timeline where there are other stupid things happening?
This is dumb.
Listen.
Tater Tot.
I have brought you here to begin your training.
It is important for a tech adept.
The first thing they must learn is how to sort bad thing from good thing.
Oh, look, I drew a Geraldine.
He holds up a crayon drawing of a Geraldine.
Can I ask a question?
That's very delightful.
Actually, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for interrupting, but can I ask a question?
Yeah, sure.
Is Pi next to a window?
I mean, I mean, probably.
I mean, for comedic sake, possibly.
I leave it up to I leave it to speaker.
Are you next to a window?
I'm next to a window.
Yes.
Thank you.
You see a dark Eldar floating outside.
Thank you.
Drifting off into the distance.
Thank you.
Thank you, Reed.
That is the end of my segment.
I'm on strike.
It's OK, speaker.
We'll wrath them back later.
Jesus Christ.
That's not how this works!
One wrath.
Webway Gate opens, returns to Komorog.
Mark it down.
I'm gonna fling you over my shoulder like a caber.
Mark it down.
I'm familiar with this kind of mechanic.
And then I'm like, I'm on my way.
I'm.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
i'm familiar with this kind of mechanic in fact it's the only mechanic i'm familiar with in every
rpg if i want to go to the moon and turn off the moon i just got to make sure i'm lucky enough to
do it so it's you know what that's how it's gonna work to lift the moon over my shoulders you take
the moon and you take my son the worst part in all of this is that like for anyone who knows
dark eldar can be functionally immortal because homunculi can just grow them back so yeah yeah
i'm just i'm just doing you a favor and excising this character for now
i'm so i'm so heartbroken i wanted i had so many jokes i have a tab up that is just
hatsune miku songs and i was going to interrogate her and i was going to be like
you think the world is yours well let me tell you you're you if you don't shape up you're going to
be a rolling girl outside of this airlock i was killed
i don't
understand what it means you must be talking in code exactly it was good are you having a stroke
speaker it was gonna be really funny to 15 people we gotta we gotta we gotta commit him to like an
old folks home now i know we missed that
speaker she'll be back but the simple fact is is she's she's got nothing for us right now we'll
we'll find out later if she's got anything more important when she inevitably fucking returns
can i can i also say that like i i
love
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
fc
just
fc
just
talking
hard
just
like
yeah
that's
me
let's do all this shit everybody but i'm just gonna sit down let the crew do their shit
so they can have a moment and you all fucked it leave me alone god all right fuck it i don't care
i don't even care i'll roll an attack check what's the what where are you even attacking
i'm going out the window i'm gonna save her no what i'm actually doing
there's a moment where you know pie brain is right by the window and i and i assume the dark
elder is like kind of close to the window so you get like the dramatic like you know cartwheel
rotation thing i come up to him and i put put lauren puts a hand on his shoulder because he
just came to visit tater tot and he's like ah yes i
i'm
you were very interested in interrogating
the Dark Owl Doll, correct?
Yes, I was very excited
to talk to that interesting character.
You want to know something?
Yes, I want to
know it. I can get
that one back, if you know.
I just need a little
bit of your help.
I hate you. Do you need my credit
card number again?
I need you to get me a spacesuit.
I look out the window.
I see Hatsune Minerio
floating out into the void.
Now the bit has gone on too long.
It's just the, like,
horrified face of the Dark
Owl Doll.
Very well, then.
We'll just have to get a different
little bit. Maybe she'll be back later
or something.
I will seal its fate, then.
I look at the floating body
and I cast Crush.
You turn
Hatsune Minerio's dead, lifeless
body that's floating,
I'll assume for this particular portion
you are not in the warp,
floating out in space and crush
it into a cube. The Dark
Eldar have 15 minutes to move
their cube.
And I cast Crush
for no complication.
Congratulations, you succeeded.
I've killed Hatsune
Minerio for the second
time.
She has to be back. It's too funny.
I was legit
gonna cast, like, Levitation
and shit and fly out and grab the
fucking Eldar.
I'm gonna grab you fucking
like Last Jedi in this campaign.
You're going to
fly out of the ship
in a space suit to collect a corpse
that was exposed to explosive
decompression. What am I gonna do?
What's wrong with that? You guys don't have
Medicaid.
The thing is, not only would it
multiply like a cancer over
this session,
we haven't actually gotten to the mission
yet, but it would
also result
in us doing this whole thing to get
Hatsune Minerio back, and then
Reeb would just throw her out the airlock.
It's the Hatsune Minerio
episode.
Just play
with a fucking corpse.
Listen, Reeb is
at the airlock window
watching Lorne come back
and dragging this
potentially ruptured
dead Eldar. He's like, what are you
doing? I'm bringing back
the Eldar! I press the button and
vent them both out into space.
No!
Alright, and on this note...
We're moving on.
And on this note,
actually, what we'll do is we'll take
our break here.
Holy fuck, I've aged six years.
And then we'll come back.
Erndale, if that floating corpse comes back
to hurt us on this ship in some way,
know that I will hold you responsible.
Thurston's probably gonna make us hit it in the windscreen
or something. That'll give us...
It's gonna jam the engines.
We got windshield wipers. It's fine.
Alright, guys.
We will be right
back. Thank you so much for watching, Warhams.
We'll be right back.
You look upwards and see
this very tall person in front of you.
And she looks down at you and says,
Well, Ethan Winters,
it appears I have your Domino's pizza
right here. Now, you
could pay me in that $14.99
plus tax and change.
Or, perhaps you
could help me out. Otherwise,
what do you do?
I really want
a Domino's pizza now. Fuck.
The problem is that you didn't
specify if it was the correct order
because the thing is, around here,
Domino's gets orders wrong frequently.
This is not
an advertisement, I want to point out,
nor me shitting on them. The one around here
just sucks.
That's because you don't have tall vampire
later. Yeah, exactly.
I would probably prefer her not
deliver the pizzas. Her titties would probably knock it
over. What?
Look, the Nosferatina has no power
over the actual pizza's toppings.
It's on the PCs to see if the toppings
are right. If they are wrong, you have the
option to engage in combat now.
I'm not trying to railroad you or anything.
Hokey, I'll
engage in your prompt where these
cowards will not. You know what I would
do? We're role-playing.
You're big Lady D,
the Resident Evil 8 tall lady.
What do you do? Come up to me. Come up. Come on. You're knocking on my
door. Open the door.
Hello, Ethan Winters. I have
a pizza here for you. I'm not doing this.
Speaker!
My account was suspended
for 12 hours because of a nasty
thing I said about you on Twitter.
Oh, shit!
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. I retweeted
that. No!
You're all gonna get suspended!
How the fuck do you get suspended?
Is there like a bot or something?
No, I think
some dipshit reported it.
What an asshole.
Dipshit reported it and got me
suspended.
Oh, my God.
Alright, it was cancelled. Go home.
Oh, my God.
Alright, for context to the viewers,
after Hudson and Ariel was tragically
passed away,
I made a shitty
paint meme about it and posted it on my
Twitter. Rundle made a joking
insult response, and now he is banished
to the Shadow Realm
for 12 hours.
As a result, I said for
your account features,
well, in this state, you can still browse Twitter.
Your account will be restored to full functionality
in 12 hours. You can start
your countdown and continue to Twitter.
Once you remove tweets that violate
our rules, go fuck yourself.
My headcanon for this is that someone at Twitter
has been watching this show
and really fucking likes Hudson and Ariel.
And, uh,
I fucking hate you, Twitter person.
That's lightning better
than this stupid bit I was gonna do.
That was incredibly funny.
No one report
anyone else ever on Twitter.
Not do that again.
But it was really funny.
Yeah, the first time,
it's funny. Once some fucking asshole
was like, oh, man, I want to do it again to make it
more of a funny moment. Now you're just
an annoying prick, so don't do that.
Well, there's nothing that there's hate for.
So welcome back, everyone.
Welcome back. Welcome back. We are
currently doing what, Thurston?
So, after
your, um, after your
several weeks in the warp and engagement
in various forms of
deep research that don't really amount
to much beyond spacing a dark Eldar
and, um, creating
accuracy boards and thinking of Fenris
and drinking, the deck collector
emerges from the warp at the edge
of the Fimbria system.
You begin making your way towards
Fimbria 1, closest to its singular sun.
As you do so, you pass through the various,
uh, like, planets or they come into
Auspex range, which is going to give a bit
of a background. At first, you pass by
the wide orbit of Fimbria 5, a dead ice
world. You then
catch on your Auspex
scanners. In fact, come close enough to
see it with the naked eye.
Fimbria 4, an immense
ringed gas giant surrounded
by 24 distinct moons.
You then see
Fimbria 3, an ice
world that is almost two times
the size of Terra.
It is a, like, completely frozen
white orb. You then see
Fimbria 2, a rocky world,
uh, roughly a sixth
the size of Terra, and then pass
it to reach Fimbria Majoris,
a, a glowing jewel of a planet
ringed with a single light ring
that is barely visible in some light
spectrums. In a world about 25%
larger than, than Terra itself,
so 1.25. A massive hive world,
a depot for Imperial operations.
all throughout the region, several low-level orbital platforms
that at the moment are clouded with ships and vessels of smaller scale,
mostly frigates and some lighter cruiser-style vessels.
Three moons hang above this world,
and you find yourself coming towards the bridge.
You're all on the bridge, making your approach.
Captain Zedek, you are in the command throne,
and you hear from Lieutenant Ransom.
Sir, we are in orbit over Fimbrium Joris.
We are ready to communicate via VoxCast to any organization you wish.
Please give us your orders, sir.
Absolutely.
Lieutenant Ransom, please put us through to the planetary governor.
I believe they'll be expecting us.
Sir, I am patching us through now, Vox.
Then you see the...
The Vox operator.
Yes, sir.
Okay.
All right, sir, I have a VoxCast open.
Would you like it private or on the speaker?
Uh, let's...
Captain Zedek's confident today.
We'll do speaker mode.
Yeah.
You're good to go, sir.
Good day.
This is Captain Zedek of the Deck Collector
on behalf of the Ambicio Ambassadorum,
or Rofficio.
Nevertheless, we are hailing you this day
because we are planning onboarding your planet
and conducting some fine business
to do some super duper imperial...
ambassadorial-things.
Please respond if you have access to this channel.
Sir, I've just been enjoying arendelle
typing up all of your words so then with his novel.
L suggestions for the next episode.
Every time you would talk, I would hear you fiercely tie up.
I'm like, he's got to write this shit down.
I've been trying to say something, and I've been trying to keep it quiet,
but I can't.
I'm genuinely a little steamed.
Well, fair.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, just turn your thing down as you try.
But I'm sorry, Zedek.
I interrupted you.
I apologize.
No, you essentially finished what I was going to say.
I'm waiting for any sort of response.
I'm not sure if I'm staring at a black screen right now.
There's a clack on the vox.
There's no visual communication, but you hear this response.
Greetings.
This is Planetary Governor Jeremy Zelensk.
You may come down to the surface to meet me.
I am providing you the coordinates now.
Thank you kindly, Governor Zelensk.
Don't be late.
I don't like late people.
Also, make sure you are dressed to appropriate.
Also, make sure that you clean your hands in the receptacle before entering my office.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Click.
Ah, a professional.
I instructed the vox operator to kill the feed.
This is going to be one of those fun missions where we kill the Planetary Governor.
Or kidnap him.
Well, we wouldn't go that far.
After the feed dies.
After the feed dies.
I turn back to the party.
Well, lads, I have a thrilling news for you if you hadn't heard already.
Oh, hell, that's kind of poetic.
We're going to take another trip to my quarters to enter the closet.
That what?
Not again.
We have to be fancy because this governor is a professional.
Well, I always, but so does Reed.
But by hell.
All right, fine.
I'll get.
I'll get the parrot.
Don't, don't bring the parrot.
I don't think they're as stupid as those people.
I hope not.
And help us if they are.
Do I have to dress up?
I am a take priest.
I would like to do a perception check on Pi to see if he's covered in viscera as he normally would be.
Give me some awareness.
Yeah, totally.
Sure. Here's an awareness test coming up.
I'm blissfully unaware.
I'm a take priest.
I'm a take priest.
Yeah.
Unless it's who helps.
He looks red.
That's, that's tech-priesty.
I'm always red.
Good job.
Good job.
Yeah.
Pi will have to get you something slightly nicer than your robes.
At least.
Or at least something to cover it.
Uh, hey, I have a question, Thorsten.
Yes?
What do tech priests usually wear in these formal events?
The same thing they always wear?
Oh, okay.
I'm fine.
Don't worry about it.
They don't really care about any of the formal events.
They don't really care about any of the formal events.
They don't really care about any of the formal events.
I'm fine.
They don't really care about any of the formal events.
They don't really care about any of the formal events.
I'm fine.
Don't worry about it.
They don't really care about any of the formal events.
They don't really care about the formal events.
Yeah.
I should be, like, good to go.
Okay.
Just make sure you don't have any bits of people or rats or whatever you're doing on
the lower decks,ologists.
There's many.
It'll just go away.
I should be, like, good to go.
Okay.
I just washed these robes.
The blood is all in my hands.
There is a lot of blood in your hands, Pi.
But good!
I'm glad you washed your robes.
That's like dripping.
Just the bottom of the rope is like, doop.
Did Pius spend some money on some upgrades
to, like, have little mechadendrites
squeegee out all of his clothing onto his hands?
I wish I did, but sadly,
Pius, like, lives in a fucking box somewhere.
He ain't got no money.
No money.
All right, so are you taking everyone to your office
to meet with the closeter?
Yes.
I will not let this horrible, horrible construct die.
Yeah, um...
So all of you head to Captain Zedek's personal chambers
where he opens the closet,
and the closet itself is comprised of the closetor.
Greetings.
Closetor, please process request,
clothe my friends.
Processing. Processing.
Subcommand dress to the nine.
Processing. Processing.
Processing.
Percussive maintenance tech.
I was going to say, you want to address that real quick?
I'm going to really quickly roll tech
to make this go by quicker.
Seven successes with percussive maintenance.
Ancient Lemurian rite.
Bong!
All right.
Who will be first?
And, like, this is basically just a dresser
that has a head on top of it
and then arms coming in.
It's like some legs at the bottom.
But the arms sort of reach out.
Who will be first?
GM, I would like to make a narrative declaration.
Please mark me down a wrap.
Okay.
It is not just a armoire with arms and legs.
It is a full walk-in closet.
Oh, absolutely. Yeah, okay.
Slightly ambulatory.
Absolutely.
Like, there's just this ominous, like...
It's like a bag of holding in common RPGs.
It just opens to this space of pure blackness.
It has what we need inside.
Who will be first?
Guess I'll go.
Lauren just walks in going,
you hit me, baby!
And I extend a T-pose and I ready...
I just let it do whatever it needs.
How does it clothe me, fellow version?
Yeah, okay.
So you make your way into the cluster.
As you do so,
could you give me...
Can you give me a conviction test, please?
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Conviction test?
Oh, yes.
I forgot about that function.
Oh.
You forgot?
Have you not noticed I only wear one outfit ever?
I'm trying to see, is it...
Is this thing, like, possessed by a demon?
No, that's common initiative.
Hold up.
No.
I can't see my...
I have to use dark mode for roll 20, and all my dark mode thing, like, overrides me.
I can't see my... I have to use dark mode for roll 20, and all my dark mode thing, like, overrides me.
I can't see my...
I have to use dark mode for roll 20, and all my dark mode thing, like, overrides me.
Oh, no.
In a bunch of a-
Overlay things, also make it super dark.
Advanced darkness.
About it, about it.
About it, about it.
Okay, I believe...
I got a 1.
I'm gonna spend a wrath.
Yeah, okay, that seems fine.
And I got a 5, then.
And I got a 5, then.
Nah, I don't want to spend the glory on that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You see just unknowable and unthinkable things inside of the closet.
when you exit, you are bedecked in glorious fine Fenrisian and wrath.
It is.
robes everything you have is clean even your like sort of body glove underneath has been
your flack has been cleaned up underneath as you exit i come out just horrified just shaking
yeah it's everywhere just exit out i'm like next who will be next
i will go and i'm gonna jump in okay give me a conviction test here
i'm specifically jumping in yeah of course slam shut behind you as a process having some kind of
awful chaos artifact as your closet is again the most setting thing one is success chaos it's just
archaeotech just because we don't understand it doesn't mean it's heresy um are you happy with one
um
do i need more uh we'll uh we'll roll three more glory okay because you scared me that seems fair
and fail all of them fail all of them uh will wrath because i actually don't want to get a
corruption point now that i'm realizing exactly why you wanted me to roll all of it yeah sure
i don't want to get a corruption point for this shit post sure all right
you
two successes
okay okay yeah oh wait no three three successes you you also you also come out of the closeter
like having seen things but there's no longer blood on your robes just your regular red and
everything else has been like polished to a perfect sheen the sort of like chrome armor glistens even
the blue highlights on your armor look like they have been polished yeah and even behind my row
even behind my hood
yeah and even behind my hood my hood my hood my hood my hood my hood my hood my hood my hood my hood
my face is
anyway who's next the only one left
the ominous dark chasm lies before you reeb all right resolving right yeah yeah conviction
conviction conviction oh crap where is that can i make a side actually i hate to interrupt but can
i press the button on the side that turns on the lights what i feel like i would have forgot
zedek would have forgot about the light function they've just been going
they're going in this horrible dark closet there's a light i will kill you
there's a give me the conviction test for the closet closet of horrors
deep inside the closet
i'm gonna i'm gonna be an ass i'm gonna take the three glory and i'm gonna put that
on my conviction oh my god i like using all of your resources to go into
oh ah yes a complication excellent
did you want me make a tech check?
three for conviction okay um let's see here oh you did re-roll right yeah sorry
uh is that i also failed the tech check and also unless it three passes it's still complicated
is that too complicated yes yes oh uh which means i have to check something that means you have oh
oh okay i like this this is good this is good this this is also going to involve lorn
um lorn as this is going to be i'm going to do zedek's complication first because it'll make
more sense um lorne can you give me just a psychic mastery check this is opposing zedek's defense
uh sure thing boss thank you okay
oh boy
i got a four
does that match your defense zedek uh it passes it by two okay perfect uh so this is called uh
whoops chaos happened by lord commander krieger thanks for this one uh lorne casts the infernal
gaze chaos psychic power on their closest ally who in this case will be captain zedek who he's
yelling at um so you fail um you temporarily lose one intellect
point
and uh give me a willpower test this is gonna be a one hell of it okay where's my the target must
make a successful difficulty seven willpower test or or suffer intense personal hallucinations
don't worry i've got this chat i've got two looks like two boys and we just spent all that glory
you did at which point the target in uh
to target immediately the solution okay there's like one
glory now but still yeah yeah this is this is beautiful okay so these are going to take
the form of your father's ze won su超
king when you're around
uh these hallucinations so as like lorne is yelling at you and like activating some kind of
psychic power you you are suddenly reminded of brief bits of your father yelling at you and
you will never amount to anything you understand me every single moment of your entire life is better than this
My entire life has been a failure, Zedek.
You will never own your own ship.
You are the runt of our family.
You are the constant disappointment.
The Lakoks have to ruin everything because it's your fault, Zedek.
GM?
Yes?
Because of these hallucinations, do I see my father in the place of Lorne?
Absolutely.
With no expression, Zedek will level his arc pistol at Lorne.
Oh, you're going to shoot at me?
Baby man, little baby man, little baby gun at his father.
Wait a minute, we still have to finish the first complication.
We aren't even under the second one.
Can you also roll me, because Infernal Gaze also causes you to take a perils test,
so can you roll me 2d6, please?
Sure can.
It's not for you, Lorne.
This perils affects Zedek.
I got a 42.
Okay, 42.
Oh, gosh.
Banshee Scream.
So at this point, Zedek is going to let out a mighty roar akin to a sonic boom
that any lesser animal forms, insects, rodents, avians,
within 25 meters are instantly killed.
All the rest of you need to give me a toughness test.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is happening?
We were trying to get into a closet.
It's true.
We got through it, Lorne, and Ty also got through it.
Of course.
Of course.
I got a 1.
Okay, good.
Yeah, we did get a glory from that.
Good job, folks.
Yeah, so those of you who got a...
Yeah, okay.
So those of you who got 3 or under, you were temporarily staggered as blood starts rolling down your cheeks.
You all take one point of shock if you fail.
If you got 3 or over, you're fine.
However, Zedek, as you shout out this scream at your father and raise your pistol,
suddenly the image fades and you realize the pistol.
You are pointing at your father.
It's not being pointed at your father.
It's being pointed at Lorne.
Ah!
In seeing this, Zedek will kind of come back to Earth and just drop his pistol,
just trying to come to grips with what just happened.
Okay.
And as all of this happens, Reeb, you emerge from the closeter.
Though you don't suffer any corruption for your encounter inside this eldritch abomination,
the complication that you have would have, like, essentially meant because how corrupt...
Complications work in corruption.
Had you failed that test, had you rolled one less success, you would have taken double corruption.
That was, like, the corrupting force inside that closet.
Oh, so it was potentially...
So it's not technically a complication because I passed because it's dealing with the corruption aspect.
So that would have been bad.
Thanks, Zedek.
But you come out with, like, a sheen of sweat on your face.
Despite your clothes and everything else being immaculate.
Nah, we need to get rid of this thing.
I pick up Zedek's gun.
Thank you for your time.
And he closes up and goes back into the closet that shuts behind him.
Ominously, of course.
I pick up my gun and I pass over to Zedek.
And Lorne basically goes, I'm sorry, Zedek, for yelling at you.
Like, I know you've just been trying to help and it's been super stressful for this entire mission.
Zedek will kind of look at Lorne, still in shock, with his mouth agape.
Take the gun back and say, thank you.
Thank you, Lorne.
Sorry.
Let's go down to the landing bay.
No problem.
We need to get rid of that thing post-haste because if an order, Malleus and Quistis, comes on board the ship for whatever reason, you, Captain, are screwed.
Wait, is that thing demonic?
I thought it was just weird.
By the way, if that is weird, Archeotech, then I should probably own it instead of you.
Neither of you will own it.
Neither of you.
I don't think it's demonic.
Here's an odd twist of fate.
Captain Zedek will go to the comms unit on the wall and page through Shigamu and request a debugging team to come see what's wrong with his Archeotech closet.
No, but I could do it for Lemuria.
I agree.
You certain, Captain?
Last time I dispatched some of my debuggers to investigate your closet, they did not return.
Send the really tough ones this time.
All right.
We'll get more on the next planet.
For anyone who is running Tribes of the Deck Collector Warhammer games, I now want one game.
That is set solely inside the dead space of the closet.
I hate this.
No terrain.
No terrain, just black, just black dirt.
Look, just use your imagination.
It's either like completely benign, it's like a clothing factory, or it's like that one place at the end of the first major story in Path of Exile.
It's all flesh.
Jesus Christ.
Excellent.
I forgot what it was called, but it's like that.
Maybe.
There's a few different.
I think Belly of the Beast is...
Yes.
That's what it is.
Anyways, yeah, so you carry on away, leaving handling of the closeter to something else, and make your way to the Arvus Lighter, which is ready for you to take off.
There is a servitor in the front that sort of looks back as you enter with its dead eyes.
Since we now name our Patreon servitors at the beginning of the session, this one just looks at you and has no name.
Greetings.
How it do?
Stop, bro.
Shall we depart, Captain Zedek?
We shall depart post haste.
What is your designation, servitor unit?
You just do another name, it's fine.
I am designation loading.
Loading.
Loading.
Loading.
Loading.
I bonk him on top of the head on the staff.
Work!
I'm on top of the head on the staff.
Work!
I'm on top of the head on the staff.
Work!
Work!
Work!
apologies my designation is jib as 89 but finally things are starting to make sense around here
let us go to the terrible planet now yes let us go everyone understood and like the the shuttle
begins to take off it exits the envelope and makes its way down to the surface as it approaches the
planet you can finally see the sort of ring around it that is mostly obfuscated as you're traveling
but but you you can finally see it this thin like particulate of matter it looks like um tiny ice
crystals that have sort of formed a singular ring around the planet you make your way further down
entering into the atmosphere which you see these lights that are visible from various hive cities
and sort of sprawling metropolis and then as you pass through the clouds you you feel this
shock and then you feel this shock and then you feel this shock and then you feel this shock
in the shuttle and then you pass under the clouds and realize that it is just raining it is a
constant just stream of drizzle coming down as you make your way towards the upper hive spires of of
the of vimbria majoris and you see this this lush sort of golden looking cityscape that is risen
above the mid and under hives that looks like the tops of great basilicas and there are dozens of
ships and the moon is visible in the distance and yet it is still just this constant downpour of rain
as you approach not a dreary little planet this is yeah although it could be worse it could be
filled with flying vegetables or poison please please shush just this once please let it just be
dreary
oh i want this place to be normal please there is no normalcy in the galaxy of horrors we live in
the the arvis lands on sort of a jutting dock that comes out of the side of one of the buildings it
appears to be an executive dock base that it goes into the side of some kind of managerial complex
at the upper upper level of the hive waiting at attention are two soldiers bedecked in carapace
armor and they are all in the same boat and they are all in the same boat and they are all in the
same boat and they are all in the same boat and they are all in the same boat and they are all under the steady
armor both of which are carrying on to what appear to be finely maintained laz women right
the the back door of the arvis opens you can all now hear the sound of the rain
pattering outside and you see that there's a slight wind in the air as the guards stand
at a firm attention with their weapons raised not pointing but just raised at their chests as
you exit the vessel as the back door begins to
Zedek would like to have a moment of realization
oh wait
and rush over to the back door as it's coming down
rather slowly
and fiddle around looking to see if he has
some holo umbrellas
that he can give to his party members
I literally bought these for a rainy day
we've never had a chance to use these
I hope these work
I'm sorry I have to interrupt
because chat
I now want our tagline for this show to be
only the laughter of thirsting
closets
good
good chat
I'll make that the episode name
thank you
oh my god
can I make a check of some kind to find some
holo umbrellas
so you're like wanting to
use a check that would represent you have being
prepared enough to purchase these
correct
they're not literally umbrellas
they're just like a low grade
give me an influence check
sure
difficulty two
difficulty two
I have a pretty high influence to that
don't
don't
I got a five bitch
yeah not only
not only do you have fucking like
umbrellas in here
they are fine parasol quality umbrellas
they're ditchy umbrellas
yeah
you you have enough for everyone too
because you can shift that exalt
if you want to
it is it is immaculate here is what it is
absolutely
here here just like is that it hands them out to each one of the party members you
take your pick they're either the ones like the stupid umbrella hats that you can get
or they're actually like parasols that have like digital uh reins like capabilities I
I don't know use your imagination what would you like
I will obtain the most efficient parasol
you didn't have to you didn't have to buy this I could have just used some uh psychic stuff to
you didn't have to you didn't have to buy this I could have just used some uh psychic stuff to
shield us from the rain
shield us from the rain
shield us from the rain so we don't have to carry any of this
shield us from the rain so we don't have to carry any of this
so we don't have to carry any of this
you you know what you're right but some of these you
you you know what you're right but some of these you
you do that no are you no I like I like my insides
you do that no are you no I like I like my insides
you do that no are you no I like I like my insides on the inside I like to see what I
on the inside I like to see what I
on the inside I like to see what I think I pointed myself I I I can do it
think I pointed myself I I I can do it
think I pointed myself I I I can do it right now is that it gives Lauren a
right now is that it gives Lauren a
digi umbrella hat oh oh is it like a wizard hat i gotta find the reference image for it it's you
know those it's like it's a stupid hat oh it's like a band on it and then like raises up a bit
and it's like a shitty little umbrella yeah it's like that yeah you're having all this exchange
is that it is like desperate to get like umbrellas to everyone while the guards are standing out
there in this like a rainstorm holding their weapons like immovable golems it looks a bit
nicer than this it's just like a shield okay this doesn't exist but i think we're ready to go now
yeah and like so so zedek i assume you sort of lead the way out as you all come with your
you see the guard standing there
at at ease guards i hear your uh
here to take us to the governor is that correct
that's correct i'm leonis glasner i will escort you follow me he turns starts walking along with
his companion towards the the doorway about five meters off from this jutting connection point
follow them in these folks seem rather tight i say quietly to zedek i the door the door opens
uh you are admitted into what is clearly some kind of like
jacket room i don't know what you're talking about
oh my god
i'm trying to remember how that door opens
it looks like there's like a one-by-one housing in the corner of the room
i mean there's a wonderful room or dress dress room that is maybe four by four meters and then there's a small little couch in one corner
there appear to be various alchemical palms that are sitting on a nightstand by by a door that connects further in
the wall on that side is this fine sort of wood which is pretty rare on a planet like this
the guards went up up against this uh this wall and stand at attention with their weapons
And they, you know, sorry, Lieutenant Glassner speaks again.
We will want to clean up and make sure you use all of your chemicals there on the table.
The planetary governor is very insistent.
Right.
Well, thank you.
We will make sure we clean up before we go in.
Zedek will turn back to Reeve and...
Are any of those things going to poison us or melt our hands off?
Well, here's where I would definitely pull in.
Would that even be a Medicaid or would that be like an equivalent for like chemistry or something?
Medicaid. Medicaid.
Okay. Well, here we go. Medicaid.
That gives us a 10.
Oh, yeah.
This is like every form of cleaning solution that you would expect to see.
Maybe one of these in like a really fancy place.
This is all of them put together.
This is some kind of like absolute cleanliness.
Clean freak here.
So theoretically speaking, would it be possible for us to just use the strongest one and not constantly be soaping ourselves?
I mean, that would that would be the like medical wisdom here.
Yes.
Can we get away with that without accidentally sanding our hands off?
Yeah, absolutely.
There, I saved you guys a whole bunch of time washing your fucking hands.
You're welcome.
Thanks, Reeve.
Yeah.
I will wash my hands.
I wash my hands too.
I wash hands.
I will also wash my hands.
Wait, won't you get a like, won't that like hurt you?
He's not totally cybernetic.
He's a cyborg.
His hands are robotic.
Well, yeah, my hands are robotic, but it's not going to melt.
He comes from an underwater forage world.
I'm sure he's fine.
So you all apply the sacred hand unguents?
Yep.
Sure.
Only if you don't refer to it as that.
Yeah, that's what I do.
And then there, there, the, the, the guard, the, the governor's office is through there.
Zarek, after you.
Yeah.
Captain first.
Right.
Thank you, guardsman.
That'll be all.
And we will push through the doorway.
And you walk through into this, this lovely kept office, which has a doorway that seems to carry on.
But there is a impressive desk.
Which behind is this noble man who has a massive augment, augmentic on the side of his head with two red lights.
He has wires crisscrossing his skin.
He has some kind of immense wig.
He's wearing this blue rain jacket over top of some kind of administrator's robes.
He is sitting in a chair, but still perches his hand on a cane.
And keeps an arm behind him.
And his back, he looks up.
Ah, good.
You must be the ambassadores.
One of you may sit.
I have one chair.
Your most important is allowed to sit.
Uh, reaps accustomed to standing.
Go ahead, Zarek.
You're important.
While I am humbled by your generosity, Governor Zelensk.
Planetary Governor Jeremy Zelensk, yes.
Right.
Planetary Governor Jeremy Zelensk.
Jeremia Zelensk.
Jeremia.
Jeremia.
I apologize for this innumerable faux pas.
I'm not going to take any longer.
I'm just going to sit down.
Ah, good.
The person who can't say my name correctly is the most important.
This bodes well.
All right.
What brings you to my planet?
I don't have much time.
I am very busy.
We are here on a mission from the Amphicio Ambassadorium regarding.
Preparing for the arrival of the main fleet, as well as the Primarchs,
but also on the tail, investigating a rather disturbing occurrence,
which this person who is responsible for said occurrence
is said to have passed through this system.
We were hoping that you or your associates may be of some use
in procuring some knowledge on this unsavory sort.
I see.
I see.
You have experience in rooting out cults, correct?
Correct.
I have a cult that needs rooting out.
You will do this.
Eye for an eye, I suppose.
I don't know what that means, but you will do this for me.
Reeb is sensing the error of this man, and I will have Reeb go up next to Zedek,
keeping a good distance away from the planetary governor,
because I get a feeling that'll be a problem if I do get closer.
Yes, we will do this.
Where are they?
Who are they?
Give us information, and we'll take care of them.
I don't know.
All I know is that they have said they will kill all of the administration on this planet
in whatever reasons they have.
I don't care.
The prefect knows.
She will tell you.
You will go meet the prefect.
Of course.
Good.
Every cult says they're going to kill the administration.
They never do.
This one has already started.
They have killed several low- and mid-level minions that I have no interest in,
but if they run out of low- and mid-level minions,
then they will come for me, and that is unacceptable.
You're absolutely right,
but you know what, planetary governor Jaramir?
To the lens, that will not happen,
as men such as are standing do not dawdle when taking care of the riffraff.
This is good.
You will talk to Prefect Amalda of the Logestrategos.
She will provide you all of the information you need on this rabble.
You will then deal with the rabble.
Once the rabble is done, I will be happy.
Good.
Then let's get a move on, men.
Will you assist us after?
We deal with them.
I do want to assure your word.
Assist you with what?
Rooting out the...
the criminal threat to the Imperium that has passed through the system.
Will you assist us afterwards in locating...
There is a threat to the Imperium that has passed through the system?
Correct.
I had presumed that in doing this for you,
we would be able to, say, exchange a favor for a favor.
That is it you need the information on?
Yes.
Could this threat hurt me?
Yes, it would in fact hurt everybody, possibly.
All right, so what you're saying then is that the order of importance is that we deal with
this cult on this planet, which threatens me, and then you will deal with this other thing
that threatens me, is that correct?
That is...
Yes, unless you'd like to deal with that one first.
Ah.
No, the other one is on this planet, so we will deal with the one on this planet first.
We will deal with the one on this planet first.
The space threat can be done later.
What is it you need in space to protect me?
It's...
I hear Loren whispering to you.
Yes, yes, Loren.
To make you 100% sure that he actually does something,
he's expecting you to do all of it so he doesn't thread his own neck, got it?
Of course.
To make you sure that he provides something, make him sign something.
Get it in an email.
An email does not count as written consent.
Get it on a scroll.
A blood letter as is tradition.
I don't think he'll do blood, but we'll see what we can do.
What is your vich talking to you about?
You have strange advisors.
Yes, I keep my enemies close and my friends not as close.
You are familiar with the expression, are you not?
Oh my god.
I...
I...
He cocks his head.
No, I kill all of my enemies and I have no friends.
I understand.
I understand why.
I've been trying to hurry this along because I get the feeling
he's going to be very curt and doesn't want to riff-raff around too long.
I want to give a behind-the-scenes thing here for our audience.
Originally, I was like, okay, I really want the planetary governor of this planet
to be someone nice,
who the PCs like and like is competent at their job
and can be a reliable ally.
And Alpha's like, no, there are no competent planetary governors
anywhere in the Imperium ever.
So I came up with this guy.
I think Pi will speak up.
Uh oh.
Oh no.
Uh oh.
This is bad.
Planetary governor, I have a question.
Planetary governor!
Planetary governor Jeremia Zelensk.
Yes.
Are you the emperor?
Of course not.
Are you one of his sons?
Of course not.
Are you one of the members of the High Lords of Terra?
No, these questions are...
Then it seems as though there are imperatives.
Higher than you beyond this planet.
Imperatives that have gifted you with your power.
Though we are subordinate to you, of course.
Our masters are not quite so engaged.
What hurts them, sir, hurts you in turn.
What kind of skill are you wondering about?
What kind of skill are you wanting to be used in for?
We're going to be using some intimidation.
Oh, this is going to be fucking great.
Please, go ahead.
I'll pop all glory behind this.
Oh no.
Yeah, sure.
You have your wrath die back.
I sure do.
Oh, lovely.
Eight successes.
Cool.
Wow.
And I'm just looming over him at this point, I think.
Yeah, he leans towards you and replies,
very curtly.
And all of your logic is correct.
Except that I have the authority of the Emperor out here,
and you do not.
So, little red Martian man, you will listen to me for now.
Of course I will.
But I am merely referring to you and inferring you as part of my service to your beloved office.
I am establishing a new rule, sir.
Establishing a new rule now.
Only the one in the chair may talk to me.
And he turns to Captain Zedek.
Now, verve ve.
That is a very important point, Planetary Governor Jeremir Selensk.
So let me reiterate what my colleague had said in slightly more eloquent terms.
The threat out in space, which has passed through this system,
and is currently on its way to throne knows where,
we have on good authority,
not only represents a threat to the Imperium at large,
but of course...
Yes, yes, yes.
The Carillon and the Slayer Berko de Fakerby.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, precisely him.
And the help and aid that he has been receiving
is of the disposition, from our experience,
of the ilk that would see you
splayed out in a pool of your own viscera,
strung up like crude drapery,
that would make a mockery of an office's immaculate decoration.
So currently, he is out in space.
Out in space and not my problem.
But there are people on this planet...
He may be on this planet.
...right now who want to kill me.
So you deal with the people on the planet right now who want to kill me.
All I require from you is that you find some tangible proof
of the existence of this cult and its members,
deal with them in some way, bring that proof back to the Prefect,
and I will task the Prefect with doing all of the mop-up and the hard work,
since it is clear you can't handle that.
But as long as you can find this cult,
I will give you information on where I know the Carillon is to be.
Does that sound amenable to you,
man in the chair whose name I already forget?
Captain Zedek, don't wear it out.
But yes, let's sign on it.
Oh, of course, of course.
You have a document ready.
Are one of these your scribes?
Perhaps the one with the red hair there.
Do you scribe?
Hey, GM.
Yes?
Fuck you.
Uh...
I would like to roll...
a...
Can I roll something to produce a document
that I definitely totally had prepared in advance?
I'd say, like, a scholar check is totally fine.
It's a ten and a glory.
Goddamn, dude.
He, like, looks at you like,
ah, do you do scribe work?
And you fucking, like, pull out the scroll that falls onto the floor.
Reed knows exactly what's happening with this guy's patience right now,
so he quickly unfurls.
A sheet of paper from inside his robes is like,
yes, here.
Bonafide warrant chart.
Bonafide chart or something like that.
Good, Ivan, sign here, here, here, here.
Good.
Perhaps you should be sitting in the chair,
he says to Reed,
and then finishes signing.
All right, you may go now.
Go, go, go to the prefect.
Fuck, dude.
At the, at the pending time of your honor.
I, I wanted, again, again, again, like, time out here.
I really wanted this person to be likable.
I really wanted you to not have to deal with this,
but...
Alpha established rules.
No, this is great.
I love this.
This is so fucking...
He is, he is so...
He is not responding to any of our shit.
I, I also was like, all right, Alpha,
I will, I will give you a, a planetary governor
who is not like, who is not likable,
but they will, they will be a different kind of not likable
than the last one they dealt with.
Terrific.
Good, you may go.
You may go.
Your, your shuttle can go wherever it wants in the hive
as long as it's not here until you're done.
You may leave now.
Be sure to clean your hands when you leave as well.
I don't want your hands touching the doorknob
in the other room.
Go.
And he just waves you off.
Hey, Thurston.
What kind of augment does this guy have?
Christ.
Um, give me a tech check.
Sure.
That's six successes and a glory.
Da da da.
Da da da.
Uh, yeah.
So with that, you can tell he has a,
a pretty, uh, large suite of augmentics.
Uh, but he essentially has the equivalent of an augmentic eye
that is, um, accomplishing like two features of augmentics,
of augmentic eyes rather than one.
So normally augmentic eyes, when you get them,
they can give you like...
Yeah, yeah.
An upgrade of like minor, like,
here's a bonus to perception checks,
and here's a bonus to ranged attacks.
He has two of them, essentially.
Intriguing.
Do I know precisely which ones?
Uh, not, not offhand.
You'd need to inspect it up close.
Don't do that right now.
We don't need to be executed.
Oh, don't worry.
When I kill this person...
Jesus Christ.
...it will be in vastly different.
All right.
This person is in complete charge,
and you're like to listen to everything they say.
I will kill this person.
It has nothing to do with authority.
It has everything to do with incompetence.
Your Honor, my client is a very killable man.
This man is exceedingly killable.
Jesus God.
Okay, okay.
This is gonna be a hard one for us to get out of,
mostly because of what Pi's going to do.
Oh, I think it could be quite easy.
No.
No.
We leave and forgo the plot.
Mm.
All right, so we're out of the room?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
So, so you, you, you exit.
You are, you are back on the, the shuttle.
You are now traveling throughout the, the Hive City.
Uh, the, the documentation that you've been provided
has given you the information of the office
of one member of the Logus Strategos
of the Administratum Prefect of Malda.
Hmm.
You can give me a Scholar check in.
A Scholar check if you, uh, if you have it,
to let me, or to, to figure out what you know
about the Logus Strategos.
Sure.
Sure!
Three successes.
Yeah.
Uh, Brayen, you're unfamiliar with it.
Uh.
Zedek and Reeb.
Reeb, Reeb got an eight in the glory.
Yeah, and Zedek with a five.
Uh, Zedek and Reeb, you are both familiar
with the Logus Strategos.
It is a department of the Administratum.
Mm-hmm.
And it is noted for analyzing the various threats
facing the Imperium.
I got a four in the glory.
Um, yeah, and Loren, you'd, you'd have a little bit
of information on that as well.
Um, particularly, like, they, they devise, like,
they face different threats that are facing the Imperium
and then devise strategies to, to, to deal with them.
Uh, Reeb, with your high, heightened success,
you know, like, they would be the, like, the ones
who would, um, do long-term planning, such as,
oh, if we destroy this Xenos in this area,
then that might mean this Xenos might migrate here
and this might happen.
Or if we, like, selectively prune this cult,
we might be able to, you know, grow another cult
that will be better.
They, they do a lot of that sort of stuff.
Strategic level, like, tactics and whatnot.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, but, but they're not a part
of the Imperial military, which is.
They're, they're just for, like,
planning.
Yeah, they're, like,
like, super administrators.
I hope I know what the hell, uh,
any of the, you know, order, you know,
the officios would be, because it's a fucking job.
Something got on that.
Yeah.
Uh.
So that's what you would know.
And you, you have coordinates to your office.
You get back into, into the shuttle
and can, can make your way there.
Uh, is there anything you'd like to discuss
before heading, heading off there, sort of planning
before you go into whatever your next meeting will be
with this, this other NPC?
Uh.
That character is quite possibly
the most incompetent individual I have ever met.
Incompetent because he annoyed you, Pi?
No, you idiot.
It's because he rejects the fact that he is part
of a larger organization than himself.
He cares only for his own position.
It is quite clear that he would be incapable
of ascertaining the value of his self
in a larger organization.
Most people tend to do that, Pi.
You'll be hard-pressed to find many individuals
above the rank of guardsmen who think otherwise.
That is not how things work in the Adeptus Mechanicus.
That's great.
That's, that may be true.
There's an asterisk, there's an asterisk.
Your Honor, that was a lie.
You must realize, Prane, that, uh,
imagine yourself being a governor of so many lives
on, with so many responsibilities
and you're the single point.
You probably wouldn't act like that way, too,
in some way.
It's not justified, but he does seem a bit of a,
you know, stick of someone's ass.
I, I should imagine myself in charge of a system,
of a world.
Yes, I'd be so good at it.
So speaking of, uh...
Sorry.
No worries.
So speaking of our new meeting we're going to,
who will be the new governor?
Who will be sitting in a supposed chair as I feel
as though perhaps the entirety of the administration
here may be a bit neurotic.
Wanna draw straws?
I would prefer it be someone who can talk.
I am good at talking.
Talk.
Captain, do you have a coin to flip?
What, you think I'm not good at talking?
Hmm?
I am very good at yelling and making people mad.
Me too.
That's not talking.
That's not talking.
Save that for when there's a fight, damn it.
Not when we're doing diplomacy.
Aw.
We don't need to start a fight in the diplomat's office.
Who will there be left to diplomacy then at that point?
The floor?
Well, Zeta got that one.
You get this next one.
How's that?
That's fair.
That's fair.
It is worth noting our dear planetary governor has stated
he has no floor.
He has no friends.
And there is presently a movement to usurp him.
If this movement is more competent than the governor,
it may behoove us to, in some way, support it.
What?
In what way do you qualify his competency?
We have not even seen how he governs this place,
only how he interacts with us.
Exactly.
We see how he interacts with the greater Imperium
with no thought to his duty.
I was once a leader, Reeb.
And I know that your foremost duty
is not to your squad.
It is to the greater unit.
Yes, but for the moment he holds authority,
so we must kowtow.
I understand this.
But you still have lots of problems.
In other words, Pi,
Pi, you were a leader once?
Of course I was.
I led my squad many times, gloriously in combat.
It was why I gained the honor of being able to become
a tech priest, for my bravery.
A pause.
What happened?
Well...
The camera just zooms in on your face
and we hear, like, screaming and shouting.
There's, like,
Greyscale, just World War footage.
Yeah.
Just faded over.
Battlefield 1942 theme.
You grow used to the burden of leadership.
Okay.
Okay, that's...
The cynic not wanting to find...
not get on Pi's bad side holds up claws.
Well, then.
I believe we have duties to ascertain to.
I don't think it behooves us to put our heads in the ground
and pretend like this man is an efficient leader.
Landing.
Pi...
The shuttle makes its, like, landing sequence down,
like, in a section that's nowhere near as ostentatious
as the bridge you were on.
In fact, it looks like this is some kind of public landing space
where there's enough room for three or four shuttles to land.
There appear to be various servitors around
that are moving boxes and stacking things.
It's not raining here, but there's, like, pipes up
that seem to just seep liquid down like it's rain,
and condensation from the upper hive.
You can tell you're in the mid-hive right now.
Holy shit.
Mid-hive.
There's no games in this setting.
My god.
There are no games in the Hive World suburbs.
Yeah, correct.
Suburbs?
Don't gentrify our hive city!
It, uh...
It is raining, like, from this condensation,
and you can see that...
You've landed a fair ways away from the actual location
that you're supposed to be,
because it looks like the prefect's office is, like,
bundled between the offices of various other officios
and organizations here.
I suppose we should make for the Logo Strategum.
I don't want to be touching whatever's raining on us right now.
I don't want to think about what's raining on us right now.
Can we just move?
Let's...
Wait, wait a second.
We have umbrellas.
Why does that even matter?
Fuck umbrellas.
Well, umbrellas are only in the upper 90% of efficiency.
We'll still probably get some rain on you.
There's probably grimdark umbrellas
where it's all made of metal with eagle...
Brass markings.
Wasteland right here.
It's like a...
It's like a...
It's like a fan,
like, in a casing that's angled like an umbrella,
so it chops the water,
because it has to be brutal.
There's, like, a hose that goes from the top,
like, it filters rainwater from the top
directly into the umbrella.
Just to, like, make it, like, that, like,
increase the misery.
It, like, filters directly into your boots.
Increase the misery is a great, like,
one-sentence descriptor of the setting.
Or specific to our party.
Hey, hey there!
You hear this shouting from underneath the platform.
I look down.
What?
What?
You see, you see, like, a man, uh,
in, in sort of ragged, ratty clothing,
clearly torn up,
stained with just various, uh,
stained and sopping wet, honestly.
Looks up, has this sort of frazzled hair,
uh, like, one eye sort of squinting,
the other bulging as he looks up.
Hey!
Hi!
Hi.
Hi, today.
Hi.
I'm Clemens.
I'm Clemens.
Have you heard?
Have you heard?
It's almost time!
Oh, what, oh, oh, what time is it for?
Remind me again.
I've heard it's gonna happen.
It's gonna happen soon.
The word on the street is
they're gonna wash away everything
and everything's gonna be new.
It's all coming true.
Just like the graffiti told me.
Uh, Reap's gonna look at the rest of the party.
I didn't think the cult would be so open
about coming directly to us.
To be fair, they don't know us yet.
Yeah, uh, strange, eye-bulgy one.
Clemens!
Clemens, Clemens, sorry.
Are there any meetings that we need to attend to?
The catch-up?
I'm not important enough to be part of this.
I just see the graffiti.
I read it on the walls.
I mean, could you show us where people may have
potentially had some meetings all gathered around?
We definitely would like to, uh, you know,
figure this out.
Gio?
Uh, Clemens pauses and looks up at you.
I, I don't know.
I just, I just wait for the rain to wash it all away.
It's gonna be amazing, it is!
And he sort of, like, scampers into this, like, crate
that has been toppled over,
has the various rustles,
various rust holes in it that has, like,
also has just, like, a tattered sheet in front of it
that's clearly this man's home.
Oh.
Oh, it's Diogenes.
I see.
I begin to walk away going,
come on, boy, I guess, uh,
that's all that has for us there.
This may be easier than I thought.
GM?
Yes?
Uh, when, growing up in a hive city,
would Zedek have knowledge of the existence
of gene-stealer cults?
Or are those, like, hush-hush?
They're hush-hush.
I didn't know if that's, like, a wider thing
in the Imperium.
Nope.
Definitely not.
Yeah, definitely not known at all.
Gene cults are red tape.
Yep.
Are there, uh, are there any, uh, like,
obvious graffiti on the buildings on the way
to our destination?
Give me an awareness test.
I'll allow one of you to be on the lookout.
So, Pybrain, I'll let you do it.
Okay.
I do not have very high awareness,
so I will be pumping all four of you into this.
Great.
So let's roll the dice.
Six successes.
Yeah, you, you, as you're making your way,
um, and, like, Zedek, you're having some nostalgia,
Riebe, you're keeping tabs on everything,
going over the words that were just spoken.
Uh, Lorne is just sort of, like, leading the way
in a sense.
Uh, Pybrain, you start looking down some of the
side alleys, and you see in some areas there's,
like, neon graffiti that glows in the darker areas
that, like, speaks all of these strange statements,
um, talking about, you know, the wave that shall
cleanse before the great calamity, and, like,
the wave is coming, and the emperor, like, the,
the, the rain that is the emperor's tears shall wash
away all the non-believers and those too lax to do their duty.
Hmm.
Ugh.
Making some good points.
Lots of talk of washing.
Um, hey, GM.
Coming down, is this a, I know this is a hive world,
is it an aquatic hive world?
What is the general land mass?
No, uh, like, this is, uh, I don't know.
Uh, like, this is, um, there, there's, like,
it's earth-like, I'd say it's probably, like,
50-50 in terms of land and water, but it's,
it's got an atmosphere that's just constantly
spewing rain down.
Okay.
So it's, it's like a rain punk kind of setting here.
Ah, gotcha, gotcha.
Wasn't, wasn't sure if there was gonna be, like,
a threat to some kind of dam or some stupid crap.
Not that you, but again, like, you don't know
much about the world, you, you feel like you could
learn more about potential threats if you spent
some time doing some research.
Yeah.
Which I fully intend to do when we get to the logo.
Yeah.
Um, but that's, that's, like, you're, you're sort of
seeing this and pointing this out, and occasionally,
like, as you, as you cross, uh, one corner,
you see this, this woman whose head is wreathed
in candles and the wax is sort of, like,
glistening down her face as she's performing this
fiery oratory to a group of about a dozen citizens.
You know.
The light of the emperor has not forsaken us!
Do not believe those slanderous lies they place
on the walls!
We are one!
The people of Fimbria Majoris are one!
And soon we will be in the light of greatness!
Hmm.
Like, you can tell this is the kind of, like,
common, common imperial preacher sort of statement,
and this woman is clearly, like, raving about
railing against the sentiments that are being espoused
by, like, street graffiti and slanderous rumors.
Is anyone listening to her?
Oh, yeah, there's, like, about a dozen people,
like, sort of, like, nodding, like, you know,
shuffling their beards a bit.
Jesus, only a dozen?
Yeah.
And they're, like, again, this is, like, a really tight,
this is not a well-populated area.
This is, like, an off-the-side mid-hive, um,
section with a whole bunch of just, uh, like,
offices, so you might have, like, a couple people
in each of these offices.
They're really, like, obscure departments here.
Hmm.
Well, then.
Hmm.
Where are we heading to, boys?
Well, presumably still towards the, uh,
the person we have to meet at the Logo.
Yeah, you, you, you complete the journey.
It doesn't take much longer.
Uh, maybe about 30 minutes of walking,
and you finally reach the location,
and you see that it's this, this, um, thick,
like, metallic box of a building that,
that is higher than it is wide,
so it's, it's got, like, several stories to it,
and there is a, a thin, uh, metal door with, like,
a, an eye plate there,
and some kind of scanner identification to enter,
and no, like, no, like, doorknob or anything on,
on the other side.
All right.
All right, I suppose we should head inside.
I think, I think, I think we'll walk up to the door and...
Captain.
Yes?
Perhaps I should go first.
Sure.
There's this bizarre asinine quirk with this person as well.
Reeb will head up to the door,
and he will, uh, knock, I guess.
Okay. Clang, clang, clang.
Hello?
I think you're supposed to use the scanners.
I'm waiting for a response,
but I guess we'll just use the scanners.
I go over to the scanner, and I guess I will...
Yeah, it's a, it's a palm, it's a palm scan.
Guess I'll put my palm on it.
Yeah, and you, you, you put your palm,
and, like, it's, it's, again, getting still,
even, even here, you notice there's droplets of water
that are hitting it from some pipe super high above
that you can't even see between, sort of, like, smog.
It's got, yeah, chat's kind of said, like,
this is all, like, black and, black and white noir style here.
I mean, the scanner goes over your hand,
and there's the, like,
and it gives you, like, an error, like a .
I'm going to return back over to the door
and thump it much harder this time.
We're here for a meeting.
If you sit on the other side of this door...
Do you hear this?
It's, like, moving, and then there's, like,
the slamming open, and you see this,
this set of eyes that peer through the,
the opening slit with almost, like,
what appears to be, like, steamed glasses
and these squinting eyes that are made exceptionally large
by the glasses staring.
Hello!
Good evening.
We are here on a, uh, a mission.
We have come from the Planetary Governor's Building,
and we have come to...
Oh!
Oh!
You're, you're, you're with the Ambassador Rice.
Oh, oh, okay.
I, um, I thought that was not now.
I, I, I just got into my reading,
and I, I, I'm so sorry.
I'll just step back one sec.
I'll just get the door and .
And there's, like, the door slides open
to reveal, uh, a woman who is standing there
in kind of just, like, khaki, uh, pants,
a sort of, like, buttoned-up work shirt,
and then, like, a cloth, uh,
cloak that is put around her.
It's clearly got some kind of texture to it,
meant to cause rain to sop off of it,
and she's got the symbol of the Administratum,
and she has these thick glasses,
and she sort of greets you and waves you all in quickly
as you enter into her office.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry.
Sorry about that.
Sorry.
Sorry.
She turns and, like, quickly sits down at a table,
and, like, as she does so,
there's a stack of data slates that kind of fall over,
and she looks up,
and you're in this library that's filled with data slates
and all of these books.
Apologies.
I've had a really busy day.
It's...
I just got into reading about
substrata of geoformations on Fimbria 2
that I thought was really, really interesting,
and...
Hi!
That's all well and good.
Shall we continue discussing over here?
Not the...
Not the geostructures.
Our...
Our business.
Oh, of course.
Of course.
Come sit here.
All right.
Do you...
Do any of you need tea or coffee?
Two would be lovely, actually.
Gentlemen?
If you have any, recap.
Yes, of course.
Of course.
I will...
I will prepare some,
and...
And...
And...
Give me one...
One moment.
This is over here.
I think it's over there.
I haven't...
One sec.
And she...
She moves,
and she starts going, like,
between the different bookshelves,
and...
Here's the book.
Here's the book.
Here's the book.
Here's the book.
Okay.
Here's the book.
Here's the book.
Here's the book.
Here's the book.
Here's the book.
Here's the book.
Here's the book.
Here's the book.
There it is.
Here's...
Yes.
Oh.
Well, well, while she's doing that,
I...
I'm gonna just slightly
roll over my shoulders
to the rest of the party.
Cripes!
This place smells like...
that...
It smells like the Lord Inquisitor.
I assume...
This is...
Go ahead.
than the library we have.
I enjoy the smell.
The smell of old parchment paper and knowledge.
Is it just the smells like you, Lauren?
I love libraries.
I always wish I could go through any of them,
but I just like the look of them.
Look at this thing I flipped through the book.
It has cool stuff on it.
It has a pretty picture.
Throw me a D6.
A what?
Throw me a D6, Lauren.
Whoop.
Don't roll a one.
I'll roll a one.
Cool.
Yeah, you've pulled a book off of the shelf
and start like flipping through it.
Like, look at this thing.
And you see that there's this like clear bloodletting ritual
that's like viciously displayed here
on like different ways of cutting a human open
and getting the blood out of them.
Oh, lovely.
There you go.
There you go, Reap.
This might be good for you.
You can check that out.
Reap tucks that under his arm for a moment.
Oh, I'm back.
Here you go.
And she comes with like cups for all of you,
placing them down and then sitting, sitting.
Still all of this while she's like referencing a data slate in her hand.
Okay.
Yep.
That's good.
Okay.
I just need one sec.
I just need to check one of my other operations.
Yep.
Oh, good.
Good.
Good.
Oh, the dog soldiers.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry about that.
Hi.
Pleasure to meet you.
My name's Prefect Amalda of the Logus Strategos of the Administratum.
I'm so glad I heard that members of the Investorium were coming here and that you were all authorized
by the Primarch.
And I mean, I'm honored with my current role here on behalf of the Crusade, but to have
actual representatives of the official Crusade fleet here, this is a mess.
Yes.
Reb Van Horn, Inquisitor.
Yes.
Yes.
Reb Van Horn, Captain Zedek, Lorne, and Pye Brain.
I did make sure that the tea I put together for you, Lorne, was a Fenrisian blend.
Here you go.
Oh, very good.
I have all of your documentation right here.
Inquisitorial acolyte Van Horn.
This should be everything you will need on the cult.
Captain Zedek, it is a very good thing that you're here.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Captain Zedek, it's—oh, Pye Brain!
My apologies.
I made sure to put in the necessary oil and unguents on the side with Recap for you so
in case you do wish to imbibe it will still have some kind of positive effect for you.
And she smiles and sort of like pumps her fist a little bit.
And I know it's a lot to ask about and I'm being really bad, but Captain Zedek, would
you mind signing my copy of Zeticket?
And she like meekly pulls out the book and waves it towards you.
happily i'm happy to see a fan you're you're awfully would you like zedek pulls out his
flask from his coke do you do you want something to calm down are you okay no no no no i'm just
always like this there's a lot to go on i mean there's so much happening right now and with my
current responsibilities here it's a lot and i'm just trying to make sure that i don't mess anything
up hey gm yes this is where this is where the nice planetary governor budget went didn't it
i was just like fuck you alphard do it in another way
i'm just waiting for her to have a basement full of like dead puppies or something like i'm just
waiting for something it's it's a common thing jesus christ well she's not a governor i mean
that's true that's true um but yeah she's like finishing providing all of these things for you
and reem you see she has all of the data set up meticulously she takes a seat
you're welcome
you're welcome you're welcome you're welcome you're welcome you're welcome you're welcome you're welcome
finishes up whatever she's looking at
in her data slate, closes it, she breathes
15 minutes
I have 15 minutes allocated right
now, I am at your
service with anything I can provide
before I have to get back to my work
work is very pressing right now
Reem's gonna scroll quickly through and try
to identify all the shit in this listing
is there, do I have enough time for that?
fuck it, I'm rolling a scholar, I got a 5
I'm gonna wrath that
into an 11
bam, bam, bam, yeah
it's a whole bunch of data
providing a crap ton
of information on the reign
of the Emperor's Tears, and it looks like she's
methodically
arranged it all and broken it down
into bullet point sections for you
she's also included various appendices
like the state of the
Fimbria system, it's very
clear that on top of the current
thing she's had
she's also included a lot of
this could be useful in the future
information, because
she's also provided some
details on all of the planets in the system
well this is all very
interesting and very usable however
this is not ideally what we were looking into
oh
you're wanting to know more about
the situation with the Carillon, is that correct?
I apologize, I can't provide
much information on that right now
the planetary governor's locked
all of those files, you'll have to deal with
the reign of the Emperor's Tears
first very well so i tried i really did try but all the information about the the carillon went
through the planetary governor's office and i don't have that kind of access right now even
with my new role here but rest assured that um once i hear if i do hear before i will let you
know it's it's it's not every day a missionarist galaxia vessel goes missing like that yes quite
so i'm going to read i'm reading through the the emperor's tears stuff what exactly do they even
have on these guys um you can see that it's it seems to be some sort of cult um that's had
minimal impact on the planet uh they they came into like being uh early in the 36th millennia
when the planet was involved in something of a religious schism uh do i have anything on the
religious schism
uh you can give me another scholar check to see what you would know
maybe all right i'm gonna roll a scholar check and i'm gonna get a six
uh yeah six is reasonable enough um the 36th millennium especially the opening of the 36th
millennium is noted is notable for this little event called the age of apostasy
yeah where uh where this this uh this person who worked for the administratum decided you know what
to charge of the church oh boy it's one of these schisms and so whatever was like it was a wide
event but when when all like when all of that happened there were a whole bunch of like religious
schisms and and tiny events that occurred all throughout the imperium so when the age of
apostasy kind of reached its apex everyone was sort of affected and this is like the trickle
down effect of that this cult came about and it was a big event and it was a big event and it was a
during that situation um they've filled the the and she notes like a lot of even some of the uh
the graffiti you saw on your way in here she's noted it down including such notes as the wave
that will cleanse before the great calamity she also includes information on a whole bunch of
murders that have recently occurred uh on low and mid-level government officials um who specifically
of the low and mid-level government positions are there like any can i determine if there's
a third person that's not a good person that's not a good person that's not a good
through line in anyone's you'll you'll need to spend like more time that that'll be like a
longer term thing okay so i'll do that a bit later then uh so obviously we've got a funny
funny remnant of good old doge van dyre doing his bullshit uh we've got potentially his name ever
probably not gene stealer called but i'm not gonna put that past uh gm and alpha busa conspiring to
give us the ultimate red herring and be like ah it's goge van dyre's fault aha trick to your
stealers anyway um let me see what else can i ask about you guys gonna doge van dyre thank you
thank you god damn it right um let me think let me think let me think you guys got any ideas of
what the fuck so so you're going through all of this like you're you're quickly researching all
the data what are the like what are the other three of you doing um this is you know prefect
sort of got this like
sheepish smile she's looking at you she's she's got her copy of zetiket which she quickly puts
back in her robes um but she's she's sort of looking over the three of you to to answer any
questions you might have or i just want to say trickle down uh ecclesiastics before we go any
further very good very good you seem to be in a rush to return to your duties what are those
duties in dale oh uh so i was
selected and she kind of puffs up her chest a bit and smiles i was selected to ensure that the
crusade fleet's passing through this system goes as smoothly as possible so i'm ensuring all of the
problems in this system are not there by the time the crusade fleet arrives or at the very least
suppressed while the crusade fleet is here and she just has this like big smile on her face
is it i think we'll get there how many problems are you having
well um there's the problem with the carillon of course which i'm so glad you're going to be able
to help with again once a galaxy vessel goes missing it's a bit of a problem but um no uh we
we've got the the carillon uh there's some some civil disturbances on on fimbria too uh some some
of the the noble factions are are having squabbles over some of the uh the mining sites there um
and then of course we just have to have to get the orcs under control on fimbria
i'm sorry there are orcs here oh it's just a small orc infestation small small is never
small as you think it is the green skins arrived somewhat by by happenstance so we're just having
some some loyal servants of the astra militarum handling that how is that going very well the
casualty reports aren't nearly as bad as i thought they would be
it's only in the millions not billions this time
define better than you thought because i don't want to say that's oddly reassuring presumptively
uh she like pauses and you can like clearly get the impression she's she's doing some mental math
well they they have the orcs contained
that doesn't how many men have how many
how many men have how many men have how many men have how many men have how many men have how many
servants of the astra militarium have died oh only several thousand tens thousands
thousands that's not bad that's actually pretty good that's really good for regards
it's a small infestation i like that reeb says that as he's clearly just reading through all of
the documents listen reeb is very good at listening he's very yeah this shit going
remember he's an inquisitor that's his job he has that's what i mean like it it works like this
whole scene works really well and i like that
and she sort of pauses maybe at some point um if it's not too much to ask i i if if well i mean
what's probably going to happen is the planetary governor is going to ask you or demand you
anyways we we might have some supplies that need to go out there at some point in the future but
but that can wait that can wait the planetary governor is very insistent on dealing with the
local problem first which uh more person for him i'd imagine
yes exactly so once once you handle that oh and again you don't even need to deal with the cult
that that gets handled i can muster our security forces here to to purge where needed i just need
to make sure that you can get some solid evidence on them while a couple of those cultists and we
should be good well i believe that ma'am i sincerely doubt that we will run completely
unmolested by the cult i i i am going to trust in all of you to to use that information that
i've provided do the investigating that i know you're all capable of can i just say i
i i'm a real big fan of some of your your previous missions i in my spare time i don't
have much to do so i read through mission logs from the ambassadorious and i i saw some of yours
and i just i just want to say the the some some of the the mission reports you've had
far than four was just just just an interesting affair uh how many of these damn reports did
they write up this quickly uh well i have oh oh my i i i have a lot
um all all sorts of things um can reeb take the the little data slate away from her for a moment
so he can look at it uh like she's closed her data slate she's reciting this from memory oh
fuck yeah she's well captain's i would like to pull reba aside
say again say again captain's i would like to pull reba aside for a moment
okay so we have now ascertained that there are an inevitable orc problem we have to deal with
which is fine i i don't care if we deal with orcs that gives you more experiments to run anyway
of course now i'm gonna level with you this woman has more intel than she knows what to deal with
and this planet i feel and just call it a gut feeling is going to go to shit within the next
week okay now i know you're kind of against the
this kind of things god damn it no everyone's going to die but we could sorely use a resource
um some kind of a resource operator or somebody to run logistics for us before we get off why does
every season kidnapping don't you realize that we could have used just about everyone on our
little crusade thus far it's true the ship is woefully understaffed with people who actually
know what they're doing but if the planet does hear me out just hear me out
speak if the planet goes to shit can we at least try to make sure this one doesn't
well captain i would like to assume that we would try to avoid her dying regardless of whether or
not she came aboard our ship don't you think you see what happens on the lower decks you know that
that's not always a guarantee for people we bring aboard i mean in general even if she didn't get it
people tend to die when we're around things tend to go bad are we the bad guys
the administration of every planetary government that we come across and cherry pick the most
competent individuals out of them yes do you see my jacket do you see the rent of trade hanging in
my office that's exactly what we can do if you pick every little valuable element of the
administration out what is left no treasure answer the imperium of man
and there we go
right yeah he's still flipping through while arguing with zenik out of the quarter
uh pretty brief question are there any uh photos of or any imagery of any of the cultists in there
uh jim uh no there's no images of of cultists in there
that's so many can i do another Tacklequequerocket question even if meh
if people do whatever other than that then we're all gonna make a joke about whose000 halter block that one'szier but anyway unal SugarnieCanineisoooo if any cultists know any another cultists trouble over how they make their way back to hell so we're afraid we might have to guess that for certain get one of a zero judgement and initiate possibly you sure we have time as many people gonna canımeneis».
investigation and a hope and plead that there is one in there of something of like just a guy
what's your investigation because mine's an eight mine's mine's a three so like if you
really dig in there and hope there's like a photo of one there's like a lackey or something
complication how's that sound that works great that that that works absolutely great uh yeah
you can see that in in one of or sorry in in some of the the records and picked scans of murder
scenes for some of the low and mid levels there is in three of them the same person who shows up
in the background uh sort of watching the affairs this kind of like thin lanky person who
seems oddly familiar
familiar to you and you recognize immediately it was clemens who you met earlier i look at
i look at the photo uh reeb could you like not like you know enhance enhance the image
and blow it up for me and hold it out for me real quick i can see there's plenty fine that
appears to be the young man we met a minute ago oh no i i need you to help me here like
they can print this out like i'm looking at a mirror yeah hold on a moment here and then he's
going to like take his fingers to the corner of the image and like
like
stretch it out yeah and you you you you enhance i then cast shape flesh and turn myself to look
near the clemens uh is that a good idea right now yeah do it do it roll roll that psychic oh
shit i got an eight all right here's the unfortunate part yeah that's a complication
it auto complicates awesome thanks
um with uh two nice um you can you can add plus one to deception so i'm guessing you're like
using it to further improve your your appearance as clemens as you're like yeah i'm trying to for
the one i saw of him before and of this right now i'm kind of like okay let me try to like
if this guy's important he's in all these photos and i'm like let me just try to like turn into
him or learn basically his shape and everything else but obviously something goes wrong it also
for people it seems to be a little bit of a mess but i'm going to try to like turn into him and
upgraded i took a talent again that allows me to get to another discipline and then i took biomancy
so i now have shaped flesh yeah okay so yeah and there's like how does how does your transformation
work like can you describe how when you change forms like what what happens is it like like your
bones start cracking is there like do you just pop chains like how does that process work for you
i assume it's just like psychic mastery whoop a wobble come around and then it's just like just
just morphing like it's calm or whatever not like so horrific lycanthropy kind of style where my
bones are oh god and i'm just like painful thing i'm sure just slowly morphs in
would it be noticeable
uh they'll probably have to thirst in if it would be or not uh i mean i mean like i'll
i'll
let let you you know i'll let i'll have it so that like you can use it and change shape in in like a
good good way um if that's the case i would like to at least distract the one person who's probably
not used to uh lauren doing something horrific with my newfound skill which is uh jargon oh okay
um as and like you do this and like you can see amalda sees you do this uh lauren and you change
and you look like almost perfect she she gasps a bit she's like that is so cool
now the question is what the complication is and also for the people who complained
we're almost at time and we don't bank this shit so you're gonna have to realize or else it just
doesn't happen so please don't be a dick and the complication is that as you you you channel this
this warp based
power something in the warp looks back and something in the warp notices you do i see it
you see a bright red eye and some kind of toothy mouth
and then it's gone and like that is your brief brief moment in the warp
oh i try to
do you know
do you know
do you know
anything to kind of like oh god i just saw something
no you you saw it you you only saw a silhouette of it but something something noticed and you you
just know whatever this thing it noticed you oh i don't like that oh and uh i think i think
that's where we will we will call it for today well
thank you
everybody thank you so why the fuck is the crocodile
get this crawdling the hell out of
here well thank you so much everybody thank you so much mr thurston for another amazing episode i greatly greatly
appreciate it and so i'd like to say thank you to the wonderful people who helped make this show
happen namely all of you here who showed to the live stream and support us but also
show the fantastic folks here who make warhams warhams starting off with our with our wow i keep
messing up thinking what your class is it's guitar arranger play brain played by speaker d
yes hello i am speaker d you can follow me on twitter at super snake kick or you could find
me on youtube at speaker d where i post nothing yet also we're going to be doing some new stuff
at the end of this thing so please like stay stay here you're going to want to listen to some of
the stuff we're going to be really confused and also an inquisitorial acolyte rave van horn played
by erin dill hi you could reach me on at erin dillio on twitter if the bastard sent me pieces
of shit that's good twitter fuck you jack you suck uh but yeah you
can find me on there whenever i get unsuspended i can't i can't do anything right now so i mean
hey whatever i am and i am i've been playing the psycher named lauren and next up is the
captain of the debt collector captain zedek our resident rogue trader played by hulky crow
that's me i'm hulky crow i you can find me at twitter at hulky crow i post memes and funny
things occasionally i also wanted to give a big shout out to anybody who reached out to me over
the past couple days
because i was going through some some funny stuff and i appreciate your support i love you guys
thank you and also thank you to our game master the one who's been wrangling us all together in
these weaves of bullshittery thank you thurston hillman for another amazing session yeah thank
you it was also it's a bloody crotalid yes and and that was that was a patreon thing that came
to me so maybe we'll have some crotalids show up yeah that'll be fun excellent excellent
and uh with all that for a couple announcements before we head things off one uh no show on
february 6th i'm just gonna probably going to date this episode a little bit but it's just so people
are aware i'll be out for two weeks but if you're watching this in the far future you don't have to
worry all this stuff will be up on uh podcast stuff on soundcloud google podcast stuff like that
where you can find also on spotify additionally the videos all go up as normal i'm immediately
after this i'm going to start working on this as soon as possible so you guys aren't missing
out and like logging in a hotel room and get it all ready but i am moving down across the country
and all that stuff so that's why things are gonna be delayed so about two and a half two and a half
ish weeks uh we will be kind of paused on streaming so please don't forget us thank you
all so much for your amazing support you've all been absolutely wonderful you helped us reach
several goals all throughout 2020 and in 2021 up till now so thank you all so much we're working
on the orcs orc one shot we're working on warhams fantasy we're busting our asses off tons of things
happening and we hope you all stay updated stay tuned check out our twitter at twitter or warham
at warham show or twitter and also visit warhams.tv for any blog updates or also for the schedule
section where we have have it updated and stuff like that so that's where you're going to find
all of our updates including on patreon where we like to keep a lot of people updated on patreon.com
forward slash warhams thank you all very much thank you to all the amazing players and game
players thank you everyone attending we will see you all next time so long farewell goodbye
and please keep safe
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