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Shabbat Shalom! Good Shabbas!
Rav Dov Ber Cohen explores what it means to truly live well. He invites us to stop mulling over what is hard and begin wallowing in what is good — not by denying pain, bu
The Rabbi Dov Ber Cohen Podcast explores Jewish mindfulness, emotional mastery, relationships, and real inner avodah.
In each shiur, Rabbi Dov Ber shares practical Torah wisdom for navigating anxiety, deepening connection, strengthening emunah, and living with greater presence and purpose.
Rooted in Chassidic depth yet grounded in everyday life, these teachings are experiential, honest, and transformative.
If you’re seeking clarity without pressure, growth without guilt, and spirituality that actually changes how you live - this podcast is for you.
Okay we're learning. We're learning together. And the purpose of our learning together is that we grow together. And the purpose of growing together is that we together reach our potential in life. You can relax now. We want to be living awesome lives. That's the goal. To be a just a wonderful, a wonderful, joyful, awesome life. Even though life is very challenging, can be very challenging. We have been speaking a lot about what you focus on that becomes your reality. What you focus on that becomes your reality. So if you focus on all the challenges in your life, then your life becomes very challenging. And if you focus on all the blessings in your life, then your life becomes very blessed. But if you focus on all the blessings in your life, it doesn't mean that we're being emotionally cut off and we don't face our challenges as well. Life has challenges. Raising kids is difficult. Relationships are difficult. Money. There's many challenges in life. But if we approach our challenges with the right attitude, even those become part of our journey. In fact, the challenges in our life are the things that can really make us greater people, obviously. So we said at the end of last week that everything is either revealed good. It's either goes your way and it's revealed good and you can really really enjoy that. And many people kind of miss that. When good things happen to people, they feel good, but then they go back to worrying about the bad things. So people are very good at mulling over the bad. Something bad happens, we're very very good at kind of experiencing the pain and really getting into it and defining ourselves by our pain. And this is my pain, and taking on my pain and my burden. And then something good happens and we're like, \"That was nice,\" and then we kind of go back to our pain. So Judaism says it really really needs to start being the opposite. We really need to focus on the good and really learn to wallow in the good. No one ever uses the word \"wallow\" for good nowadays. I'm wallowing in my sadness, I'm wallowing in my pain, I'm wallowing in... I want you to start wallowing in your good. Just wallow in it. It's like, oh. It's like a mud bath. Just gonna have like beautiful you're you're going to a spa, Dead Sea Spa, you go and wallow in the mud. And when the bad happens, the challenge, the difficult happens, what we're going to do is we're going to feel the pain, but we're going to say this is actually an opportunity for greatness. This is an opportunity to become a greater person. This doesn't define me and really there's many ways to do that. I'm not giving you the whole class on how to deal with pain in general, but one of them is to try and get a bit of a broader perspective. Often when we have challenge and pain in our life, we get sucked into it. This one kid isn't doing well at school. And we just get sucked into that one kid not doing well in school. What about the two kids that are doing well in school? And the fact that your legs work and your eyes work? Or you got a sore back and then you get sucked in, \"My back is sore.\" But how your legs are okay, you know, and your arms are everything is okay. So we get zoom, focus, sucked into the negative. So what we want to do is we want to be so focused on the positive but also focused on dealing with the pain in a positive way. That doesn't mean it's not painful. Doesn't mean you don't cry. Doesn't mean your heart isn't broken. It is. It's hard. It's painful. But it's excellent for two, three main things we said. There are three main benefits that can be had from challenge and pain. Number one is resilience. Resilience. I'm gonna I'm not gonna let this define me. Yes I have pain in my life, but that's not who I am. My pain doesn't define me, really how I respond to my pain defines me a lot more. Am I going to become a stronger person through my pain? So that's the first one, becoming a resilient stronger person, not emotionally detached, but just saying there's so much more to me and my life than this painful thing. The second thing we said, which most people don't think of but I think is the most powerful thing, is kindness. Shalom. Kindness. People who go through pain in a healthy way become kinder people because they understand other people's pain now. So I can just be more present and there for you. Shalom. What's going on? So when my father passed away, alev hashalom, three years ago, three and a bit years ago, very painful for me, my father and I were very close. And I don't I don't take that for granted because I think very few people have great fathers nowadays. Just from what I see. I don't see very many people great fathers. My father was a great father. Hopefully my children say the same about me, and your children say the same about you. But when he passed away, people often speak to me about losing a parent. And for many years I would help people who lost parents but it was not the same as after I lost my father. After I lost my father I could help them so much more. I could be there and know what it feels like to lose a father. So it doesn't take the way the pain of losing the father but it gives some purpose and meaning and direction to the pain and I become a kinder person. We did say this last week that people say hurt people hurt people. Someone who's hurt they tend to hurt people. Someone who's abused they'll abuse other people. Hurt people hurt people. But then we said hurt people who heal themselves, they heal people. Healed hurt people heal people. So that's the second thing and the third thing is emunah. Just a general surrender to there's something bigger here. That this is what I need to go through right now in my life. I would never have chosen to go through this. It's not in my list of top 100 things that I would have chosen to go through. But seeing as I'm going through it, I surrender into that and I accept that this is what I my soul on my soul journey, this is what my soul needs to go through. And they all get tied together because maybe your soul needs to go through that in order to become a stronger and kinder person. This is what I'm going through. So we're changing our whole outlook on life and this really through and really the whole of Judaism we want to see through the lens of Shabbat. I want to see the world through the lens of Shabbat because Shabbat is actually teaching us that there's a much higher existence. For six days you shall work. Six days I'm going to be involved in olam hazeh and I've got to get stuff done I've got to pick the kids up from soccer training and I've got to pay the rent and I've got to check the thing. There's stuff. I'm hustling. There's six days of the week you're hustling. And then one day of the week you're stopping and you say you're like why am I hustling? What am I hustling for, dude? And that does two things. Firstly, it gives meaning to the hustle. Because Judaism doesn't say remove yourself from the hustle of the six days of work. We want the six days of work. That's part of the avodah. The six days are part of your avodas Hashem. We want you to do that hustle. But bring Shabbat consciousness into a higher what's the purpose of it? Am I hustling for the right thing here? So you really need to be hustling for your neshama. Are you hustling for your neshama? People I say you know I need a job or a business thing and they have a spreadsheet. Five people I need to call to get advice. My budget, my social media, and they're like hustling for that. Do you have a neshama hustle spreadsheet? You better make yourself a neshama hustle Excel spreadsheet. What books do I need to read? What meditation app, the Kavana app obviously, but what the Kavana app do I need to download now and start getting in the Kavana app kavanas? What do I need to do? How do I become a more lighthearted, fun, playful, happy, joyful person? Very important, I'm really I keep saying this I'm really going to start doing it now is I'm going to make a playfulness seminar. We're going to go away for two days, three days, I'm going to get people who are just overwhelmed and uptight, which is everyone. And we're just going to try and be playful. We're going to make animal noises and we're going to do I've got to work it out how it's really going to work. But we need to return to just I'm playful. Lighthearted, playful, and what was the other one he did? Lighthearted and childlike. I gave a class the other day, you don't want to be childish but you want to be childlike. And you don't want to be light-headed but you want to be lighthearted. So that's what we're going to do. We're going to do. So we're learning about Shabbat and how to bring this into our lives in general. You want to be Shabbosdika Yidden. You want to be a Shabbat, I'm a Shabbat, I'm Shomer Shabbat. Do you know how many days a week I'm Shomer Shabbat? Seven days a week. Seven days a week. But actually that's not true because you can only be Shomer Shabbat one day a week. But I'm zachor Shabbat seven days a week. I'm living I'm remembering Shabbat all the time. It's Shabbat, it's Shabbat, gut Shabbat, Shabbat all the time. How am I bringing Shabbat? One small example I never daven with anything in my pockets. Obviously you shouldn't have your phone in your pocket, that's going to or on the table. But I take out keys, money, pen. You don't have to. Not the halacha. But I just want to feel that I'm fresh, I'm away from that world and so Shachris, Mincha, Maariv is Shabbat. Last night I was actually away for Shabbat, Parshas Chana. And whatever, I didn't get to daven Ma'ariv. So I said look, I'll daven Ma'ariv when I get back to Jerusalem. So we drove back to, I got back to Jerusalem at about ten past twelve. Got the kids to bed somehow, unpacked everything, had a Melave Malka, had to, you have to have a Melave Malka before chatzos. So basically at 1:15, I got into couch. Not into bed, at 1:15 because I'm getting up a couple hours later so I don't want to wake my wife up with my alarm. And it's harder to get out of bed, it's easier to get out of couch. So I sleep on couch quite often actually. Not because I'm in the bad books, by the way. I sleep on couch because it's much, it's just more convenient. So I get into couch, I'm on couch, I'm like I'm ready to have my two and a half hours of sleep before getting up to daven. Seriously? Two and a half hours? Well, I got to daven when I daven. Just because I go to bed late, I'm not going to get up later because I daven when I daven, you can't... wait, but that would mean you daven at like 4:00 AM. Yeah. Well, 5:00. But you gotta go to the mikvah first, there's lots to do before you start davening, you gotta stretch. How can you daven if you didn't stretch? There's no way you can daven without stretching and going to the mikvah. So you get up at 4:00, you go to the mikvah, then you stretch. Stretch first. Wait, I don't want to derail the conversation, but why did you choose Pardes Hanna? Pardon? I had a wedding on Friday afternoon in Pardes Hanna. And then we were like we have many friends in Pardes Hanna so we might as well stay there. Is this the cool vibe? It was very cool. I really enjoyed it. It was first time there. It was very cool. I really enjoyed it there. Anyway, so I get into couch, I go to say קריאת שמע על המיטה and I was like... Ma'ariv. Didn't daven Ma'ariv. Had to get out of couch, get out of couch. So some people say a non-Jew can never know the greatest happiness there is. The greatest happiness there is is it's 1:15 in the morning, you go to bed, you're exhausted, and suddenly you remember I didn't daven Ma'ariv and you're like ach and you're just about to get out of bed and you're like no, I did daven Ma'ariv! That's the greatest simcha you could ever experience. Anyway, I didn't have that last night. I didn't daven Ma'ariv, so I went to the shul next door because it's better to daven in shul even if you're davening on your own. And I davened Ma'ariv at 1:30 last night. Baruch Hashem. And you still woke up at 4:00? Got to do what you got to do. Got to do what you got to do. Thursday night was better. Thursday night I spoke in a Chassidic yeshiva in Me'ah She'arim. So they invited me to this Chassidic yeshiva. Turns out, 11 o'clock, 50 proper Chassidishe bachurim from Williamsburg and Monsey and it was so awesome. And I walked in there and first they didn't really know, you know. I sat down, the very first question, the first thing that came out of my mouth: Are you a genuinely kind person? And they were like whoa. I don't know, and lots of them were like I don't think so really. I think about myself a lot more than I'm thinking about other people. Do you really honestly care about other people? It's cool, and then the next question was: Do you like yourself? Do you like yourself? You got a voice in your head. When I... this isn't yourself, by the way, this voice in your head is not yourself but for the basis of this, it is yourself. Do you like the voice in your head? If you had someone walking around next to you all day, every day, saying to you what the voice in your head is saying to you nonstop, by the way, oh, oh, I don't think you look so good today. Maybe you should have worn that instead. What's for lunch? I don't want... well I had that yesterday, is that fattening? I shouldn't have done that. Oh you are an idiot, why did you do that? How long would you let them be your friend? Would you even like that person who's... and they're like... I see it even better, if it was my daughter. If somebody was saying that to my daughter, I would... Oh my goodness, yeah. I like that. If someone was saying to your daughter what the voice in your head is saying to you, you'd kill them, quickly. My next question was: Are you really besimcha? Are you actually a happy person? A really... it was amazing, and then I spoke... I was there for four and a half hours. I was only meant to be there for an hour, but they were so... and I did a meditation with them, turned off the lights, candles. And I said, I just want you to know how people see us. Because I only became religious when I was 30. So you're walking around like this. How do you think people see us? Secular Jew, a spiritual secular Jew walking around sees these people in the airport or something. What is he seeing? And they were so excited, they were like... Basically it's the middle of the summer, you're wearing a big black coat. That's already a bit... and the hairstyle's a bit... But I said really, they think that we believe that there's this man in the sky who has a list of rules. And we have to do the list of rules, and these are the rules he wants us to do. He wants us to put black boxes on our head and our arm. That's so weird. And he wants us to shake leaves and lemons like seven days a year. And he wants us to stuff our face with really dry cracker, a lot of dry cracker in quite a short time. Oh sorry, and I forgot, he needs us to kill animals and sprinkle their blood to make him feel happy because it smells nice. And I was just going through the whole thing and they were like, oh my goodness, we're crazy. You're mamesh crazy to do this stuff. And he loves you but he's going to punish you if you don't do that stuff. That was great. By the way, I've got answers to all those questions. It's not like it seems. There's deep reasons behind everything. It's all amazing mindfulness tools. So it was an amazing... and then I showed them, I said, I freaked them out. I said, how do you know you're even right? How do you know Christianity's not true? All these yeshiva bachurim, chasidish yeshiva bachurim I was with. How do you know Christianity's not true? And they're like, I don't. It was amazing. I said, and Buddhism? Buddhism says you don't have a soul. How do you... and it was... oh man, we spoke about the army and how you look, you feel... it was so good. And then they gathered round me asking amazing questions. It was very cool. I don't know why... anyway, I got home at 3:45. Which means I can go to bed. So I just went to the mikvah and then went home. Did you nap today? I did after shul. I slept for an hour because we had to get to Pardes Hanna for the wedding. It was very cool by the way because I walked into this chasidish yeshiva with this kippah. I didn't have a black hat and so I thought... I felt they felt that I was just some like secular Jew who walked in. And then I went to this secular wedding, this secular Israeli wedding in Pardes Hanna. I walked in, they must have thought I was like some fanatic chasidish weirdo. It was so amazing how we judge people on the externals straight away. Straight away. You don't know... by the end the chasidim, they said to me, we're just chasidim externally but not internally. And you're a chasid, you're not... externally you're not a chasid but internally you are a chasid. And the people at the wedding, they didn't know I used to be a dance music DJ. And I was... it was an amazing insight. And I was like, הנה מה טוב ומה נעים שבת אחים גם יחד. Let's just love each other. Let's just pierce through the externals and love Jews. Just love them. Love... and they were saying to me, I said to these guys, you've got to love every Jew and they go, but they're breaking Shabbat! I was like, does Hashem love them? And they were like, Hashem's obsessed with them. I said, do you think Hashem loves you more than he loves people who are breaking Shabbat? And they were like... they just couldn't... and I was like, no way, no way. And it was amazing. I said, you know people... How do you say no way? How do you know? Do you... if one of your kids goes off the derech, you love them less? No. There you go. See? So I said to them, God forbid if one of your kids goes to Tel Aviv and he's got tattoos and he's dating a non-Jewish woman and he's smoking weed and then he phones you up crying and says Abba, can you pick me up? I'm... you'd pick him up, of course you'd pick him up. And I said, in fact, you'd love him more in a way. Not obviously more but... imagine you've got a kid who gets straight A's all the time and you've got a kid who gets F's all the time and then one day they come home and the straight A kid got an A and the F kid got a B. Who are you more excited about? You're more excited about the B of that kid. So you get a secular Jew who says you know what? I'm going to not smoke on Shabbat. I'll do everything else, just smoking I won't do on Shabbat. Maybe Hashem gets... maybe Hashem's got much more nachas than your keeping Shabbat all the time you don't even know what you're doing, don't know what Shabbat is. It was amazing. I was talking about yishuv hadaas, just being present, and saying your tefillah, that you're actually speaking to Hashem. And they were like, wow. I said tomorrow morning you're going to daven Shacharis for the first time in your life. And they were like, yeah? This is the first time... one of them said to me at the end, he was like, how many years have you been frum? I'm like 18 years. And I said, how old are you? He said 21. And I said how long have you been frum really? He looked at the clock and he said about three hours now. That was cute. Suit you alright. It was amazing. So you had a question? Yes, so I've kind of dropped in and out of these classes so maybe I've missed a point or two. But what I understand is nothing we can do for Hashem so what... Oh, God forbid! Who said that? Don't say a name. But what I understand is he done everything first. How can you have a relationship with someone if you can't give them something? Surely the essence of love is giving. I give to my wife, she gives to me. It's my 17th anniversary tonight, mazel tov. Mazel tov. 17 is gematria tov, by the way. Anyway, imagine how can you have a real, true, authentic... it's just embarrassing. Imagine having a relationship where you couldn't do anything for the other person. They're just giving to you the whole day. It's embarrassing. In fact, the kabbalists call it nahama de’kisufa, the bread of shame. It's a shameful relationship. In fact, the whole universe was created just so that we could give back to Hashem. Before the soul came down into the body, Hashem was just giving. anything back to Hashem. Hashem made the universe in order for us to be able to give to Hashem. Now, Hashem didn't need to do that at all, of course. He doesn't need to need us. But he created a need for us to give him nachas. So he doesn't need us? He does now. He does. He does need us now. But he didn't need to need us, and he can stop needing us. But he created a universe in which he needs us. Which he can destroy. He doesn't need us like we'll always need him, but he can technically... He could technically choose to get out of it, but he doesn't want to. He wants us to feel needed. Forgive the childish metaphor, but it's like he's almost like a boxer that can pivot in all directions and hit from different angles, but he will love, let's say, a wheel almost like a static target that can only hit him back. I don't know, yeah, terrible in every way. But Hashem doesn't want to try and hit us. Hashem loves us. I'll tell you a good mashal. Literally the other day I went for a walk with my wife in the park. We go for a walk and we have focused communication. And she said... she's said this for many, many years, but she said it again. She was like, Dovber, I need you to have needs. I want... I want to feel like I don't need to guess. I just want you to tell me what you need. My problem is I don't really have needs. I'm a British man and a Buddhist monk. We don't need anything. So I was like, no please, tell me, do you need me to make you power balls? Do you need me to make you your breakfast to take to school? Just tell me what you... I want you to need me. My wife said, I want you to need me. I feel useless if you don't need me, then there's no relationship. So Hashem needs us for the relationship. Yeah, that's all, yeah. People want to feel needed. Imagine you don't feel needed. That's... that's not a relationship. So me trying to be as unproblematic as possible in previous situations... You should be unproblematic. I need you to be unproblematic. But me being unproblematic was being needless. No, no, I think in general, especially for men, we should lessen our needs. We should lessen... You shouldn't have so... you shouldn't be needy. Even women shouldn't be too needy. But men definitely not. But you should have some needs. Like my wife needs me to have needs, so I now pretend I have needs because she needs me to have needs, but I don't really need those needs. But I agree, I don't think men should be very needy. I don't think we should be needy. The truth is a whole separate point. The more needy you are, the less likely it is you'll be a happy person. I say that again. The more you need, the less likely it is you'll be happy. Is that like consumerism? Yeah, do you know what I need in order to be happy? I need to have a better job than my friends. Because if my friends have better jobs than me, how can I possibly be happy? I need it to be nice weather. I need nice food. I need a certain house and stuff. I need a certain social status, otherwise I can't be happy. I need a certain amount of this. I can't be... Very unlikely you'll ever be happy. That's why most people aren't happy, because they need so much to be happy. Their whole happiness depends on having some external factors, and they have so many external factors that they'll never get them. And even if they get them, they're just the type of person who then will need more, because there's always more you can have. So it's destroying your happiness. Needing is destroying your happiness. What if, like, you don't need a better job than your friends, but you need to be in the same, like, solar system as them? Like they can't be doing this well and you doing this bad. It's too extreme. Well, it's just we need to get a completely different definition of success. I'll ask you a question. Most of my friends are lawyers, bankers, those guys. Very, very big houses in very nice places in London. Kids go to the top expensive, expensive schools. So they've really... well they're white middle-class Jews from London. They're doing well. And I'm a Rabbi scraping by in Jerusalem. No car. They all have five Ferraris. I don't have a car. I have a... electric bike. Love my electric bike. So who's doing better? I mean you seem to enjoy life more. Oh yeah, yes. So if the thing is who's enjoying life more, I think... I don't want to judge, I don't know. Who's more refined in their character traits? Who's kinder? Who's thinking about other people more? Who's more focused on others rather than themselves? Who's got a better marriage? Who's got a better relationship with their children? Who's snorting more coke? That's definitely me, by the way. That's why I don't need to sleep so much. Pardon? Can I add like one last thing? Yes. Right. What if like for a long period of time you were just getting by, right? And like you were like this close to the danger zone of like hardcore poverty. Yeah, I know that. And and you feel like your brain, your like But am I still being kind and generous and happy and joyful? I turn up home to my wife and I smile and say, kids, you know what? We're so lucky that we have this bread and hummus. Some people don't have even bread and hummus. Who am I being? Judaism says it's not about what you're doing, it's about who you're being. It's not about what you have, it's about who you're being. It's not about what you look like, it's about who you're being. It's all about who you're being. And this is the definition of ego. Ego is I get my sense of self based on what I do, what I have, and what I look like. What I do, what I have, what I look like. My job, my possessions, and my appearance. And maybe my how good I am at tennis or something. So that's called ego. It's getting your self based on something that's not yourself. I get my sense of self based on how kind I am. Based on how good a dad I am. But it's like that. Like they've seen that and they're like, okay, he judges himself on being how kind he can be. There's a way I can, forgive the term, like I can pip this to my advantage. But then they're not a nice person. They're not, but So fine, so I don't so I don't feel they're better they're doing better than me. When I compare myself to my friends, which I don't do anyway by the way because I don't think it's worthwhile, I monetary success isn't one of the factors. Because you could be very, very rich and very depressed. You could be very rich and be a horrible father. Now, would I like to be very rich? 100%. Give me millions of dollars, I'll take it. But I'd use it to build orphanages and stuff. I'd love to be rich. I'd love to have millions and millions of dollars. But I'm not going to ruin my peace of mind to get it. I always ask people, what would you rather? Would you rather be happy or rich? So everyone says I'd rather be happy. So I say to them, so why are you doing that job that's completely stressing you out? It's very obvious. What would you rather do, be a good father or rich? Good father. So why are you at work so you're not reading bedtime stories to your kids? Because I want to give my kids the best education. They don't need the best education, they need a father reading them bedtime stories. What are you talking about? That's why you don't like your father. You're just doing it again to your own children. They're not going to like you. Can I add like one counsel? Yes, please. About the job thing and the happiness. Yes. All right, so like I'm technically on the clock right now, right? I have a remote job. Okay. Like this is one, some people see like what if like not doing that job would cause you to be in financial distress and that financial distress would have Yes, you shouldn't. 100%. So if not doing your job at all would make you financially distressed and therefore that's not good for your shalom bayis, then you that's that all counts. But I think there's an amount of money you need to be happy. Anything beyond that is not making you happier, it's making you more stressed and a less better a less good husband and father. I'd rather have the I'd rather live in the house I live in and be a present husband and father than live in a huge mansion somewhere and not be. Now, I'd rather live in a huge mansion and be a present husband and father, but I'm not going to give up my happiness or my shalom bayis or time with my children or my health to do that. It's not worth it. We're just chasing things that we think will make us happy and they won't even make us happy because no matter how big your house is and how good-looking you are, someone's got a better house and is better-looking than you, especially with me around. You've got no chance. And then by the way, you get old and your body looks bad. If you get your you get your sense of self based on your physical appearance, you're done in 30 years from now. You're going to look not very nice. So it's it's a whole like miserable, empty, endless chasing of something. That's what people do their whole lives. Stop doing it. It's so weird. And you could just be present and kind and have a big house. Basically, what I'm saying is give me all your money and then you'll be happy and I'll be happy. Give me all your money. 20% I want it. Give it. I'm not sure if if this Okay, we'll start. We're going to have a whole class about Shabbat, but we didn't. But that's okay. That always happens. I never do what I was going to do. Okay, so we'll talk about Shabbat. Now Shabbat says, I'm not doing any work, I'm not looking at any screens, I'm not chasing any kavod, although people can. You can wear the best shtreimel and the best bekishe and look how good my Shabbat. You go to kiddush in America. Woo. How's the kiddush in what shul are you? Netzach. We go to Sussman, go to Sussman. Okay, don't know what it is. But when I go to America, this kiddush is like, oh my goodness. How can you eat lunch after this? like It's like an eight-course gourmet unbelievable thing. Anyway, so I heard they have JFK: Just For Kiddush Club. JFK is Just For Kiddush Club. You come at the end for you to come and Kiddush. So are these people really, really, deeply, truly, honestly, authentically happy people? Or do they sprinkle Prozac in the sushi? Thought that wasn't fair. That wasn't fair. They might be. I think they are. They're good people, by the way. I'm not saying they're not good people. I think they're very good people. I think they're helping a lot of charity causes. They care about Israel. They're very good people, nice people, kind. But are they truly peaceful, happy, healthy, present people? So we've been talking about building up. We just, what did we do last time? We did stress. Friday afternoon can be very stressful. You need to listen to that class to see that actually it's the letting go of the stress on Friday afternoon which actually taps you into the immense light of Shabbat. You think the stress of Friday afternoon is destroying your Shabbat, but it's actually giving you an opportunity to surrender and then therefore you actually tap into the greatness of Shabbat. And then we said that mincha erev Shabbat is basically the pinnacle of the week. It's the highest moment of the week at the end. It's the closest moment of the week to Shabbat itself. But it's really the final, we often say that the very end is the highest. So the very end of Shabbat, third meal, that's the highest part of Shabbat. So the very end of the week is the mincha of erev Shabbat. It's a very, very special mincha. There's lots of chapters on it. We're not going to read about it. But mincha erev Shabbat, you really want to be present for the mincha. But then we go into Kabbalat Shabbat. Kabbalat Shabbat. And it's extremely high. And we said really what's Kabbalat Shabbat? Have you ever done Kabbalat Pesach? Did you ever do a Kabbalat Pesach? Did you ever do a Kabbalat Rosh Hashanah? Kabbalat Rosh Hashanah? No? Kabbalat Chanukah? Kabbalat Purim? Kabbalat anything apart from Shabbat? No. You have kabbalas hatorah, by the way. You do. You mekabel es hatorah. So why is that? Because Shabbat is called a matana tova. Shabbat is called a gift. And the Torah is also called a gift. Mattan Torah. So when Hashem wants to give you a gift, you have to be mekabel. Pardon? Kabbalas Panim at the chuppah, right? Ah, very nice. That's probably because they're giving you gifts at your wedding. But you've got to, if you don't open yourself up to receive the gift, I just can't give it to you. Hashem wants to give you everything. Hashem wants to give you menuchas hanefesh, yishuv hadaas. He wants to give you peace of mind. He wants to give everything. But if you're so closed off and uptight, Hashem's like, hello, I really want to give you something but the door's closed. So we said that the gift of Shabbat is really the gift of this higher spiritual awareness. You literally have a higher access to your soul. And you have a higher access to Hashem himself. Hashem becomes more revealed. The Shechina, the divine presence. As we're going to learn about, Lecha Dodi is really boei kallah, boei kallah, the kallah's coming. It's very important. When you turn around at boei kallah, I then stand there for a bit and I imagine that Shabbat is walking around me seven times. And there's all different things you can think and so we want to be present, firstly. Yishuv hadaas. You want to be just really present at this moment. I'm not still thinking about my week. That's why my wife and I, now we do it just naturally all along, but every Thursday night when we were first married, every Thursday night we had a clearing session. Clearing session was what are you holding on to during the week, are you upset about anything, did I hurt you, did I just so we could go into Shabbat, I'm just clear. I've got that out of the way. We did say in one of my relationship classes some people make a big mistake and say you should not go to sleep in the middle of an argument. You sort it out before you fall asleep. That's a bad idea because you're both exhausted. It's one o'clock in the morning and you're like, well the rabbi says we've got to, you're both exhausted, it's like go to sleep. Go to sleep, have a good night's sleep, get up in the morning refreshed and then start again. But when it comes to Shabbat, you want to let it go. That's why Friday we said is a very good day to do teshuva. And doing teshuva, just go through your week. Now remember, teshuva is one of the sweetest things. When you hear the word teshuva, if you, if I said the word teshuva and you felt any pain or heaviness, you don't know what teshuva is. Teshuva is coming home. No, I don't want to go to the car wash, you want to get your car clean, you're excited because when you're a kid you stay in the car because it's fun. So teshuva is like a car wash for your soul, what an amazing thing to do. So Friday is an amazing, exciting night to do, day before the night, to do teshuva. Now I'm fresh, I'm fresh between me and Hashem. And remember teshuva is very, very easy. Teshuva is very, very easy. All you have to do is sincerely say to Hashem, \"I just want to be better, I messed up, I admit I messed up, it hurts me that I messed up, I really wish I didn't mess up so much, help me not mess up anymore, I'm going to try not to mess up anymore, I just want to be pure, Hashem.\" One minute of doing that, one minute of sincere. Three hours of insincere not doing anything. One minute of oy, one real oy, one real oy and then you're done. Oy for Ashkenazim, what do you say, Kappara, Kappara alecha, Kappara, oy, not Kappara, one oy for you guys, one Kappara for you guys, but really mean it, then you're done, you're cool, you're done. You just that one oy just crackled off all the stuff from your neshama, a deep real a sigh, one deep ah. Is it an oy for each individual? No, oy covers, no let's do a general oy, a general oy. Yom Kippur is an individual oy. Yom Kippur we're oy-ing everything. But it's a good oy, it's an oy but not an I'm bad. Teshuva is never saying I'm bad. Teshuva is the opposite. Teshuva is wow I'm so good and look what I did, I messed up. For someone as great as me, oy, how could someone as great as me speak lashon hara? Not in an arrogant way, but you're pure and you're a chelek Eloka mima'al, you're just a beautiful, shining, radiant being of divine light and you're like wow how could I speak lashon hara? But then you don't beat yourself up, oh what's wrong with me, you just one big oy and then you're like, ah I don't want to speak lashon hara. It's hard not to speak lashon hara when your whole society only speaks lashon hara, that's how we speak. So what do we say then? Imagine, I've said it to people, don't speak lashon hara, they're like I don't have anything to say then, I like good don't say anything, be quiet. Don't say anything. My mom used to say to me when I was a kid, if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything. It's very hard not to because you want to feel cool. I'm cool, I'm saying not nice, I feel better about myself when I put other people down, it's so low, it's the lowest thing. Someone who actually feels good about themselves would never put anyone else down. You want to uplift people. Up and down, I'm going to make a whole poem about up and down, beat yourself up, uplift people, put yourself down, maybe I'll get ChatGPT to do it for me. I got better things to do. So teshuva on erev Shabbat, I'm just fresh, everything's cool, that's why mikveh very important erev Shabbat for the men to wash away everything, clothes, nice house, everything, getting ready, not too stressed out. But then we're ready for Kabbalas Shabbat. V'hinei כבר נהגו ישראל לומר Kabbalat Shabbat, for sure's the davar kvar nizkar bagemara. The Gemara already says בואי ונצא לקראת שבת. Come and let's go out to greet the Shabbat. The Gemara says you've got to go out to greet the Shabbat and we know, maybe I'll say it here, כי עתה בכניסת השבת השכינה מתגלה בעולם. And now with the coming in of Shabbat, the Shechina is coming, like a wave over the mountain, the divine presence is just like and you can feel it, especially in Yerushalayim, it's like she's coming, really from Wednesday morning, but whatever. Definitely from this time is the candles, everything and you can feel it and soon and you're going to come and stand there and you're going to greet this imagine the person you loved was coming over the mountains and they're coming and you're standing there and you're in Sfad and they're in Meron and you can see them in Meron and you can see they're coming down and you're watching them and you're getting ready and there they are the Shechina's coming. So let's go out. You're not going to sit in your home, you're going to walk out, you're going to this is why under the chuppah we walk out. The man standing under the chuppah and then the woman comes and she doesn't walk under the chuppah, she stops. And then the man comes out three steps but it's okay if you do more whatever. And then he greets her and then they turn around and they walk back in together. It's very beautiful, it's I love being a mesader kiddushin. If you get married I'm your mesader kiddushin. Amazing. We're going out. We're going, I'm coming out to greet the kallah. So we know in in Sfad they used to do it in the fields. The Arizal and his students literally used to go out into the fields and we don't really do that so much today although I do. Whilst everyone's dancing round for the extra after Lecha Dodi, I leave the shul, I go outside and just stand with Hashem for a moment outside. But we're going to see, we're going to learn that going outside doesn't necessarily mean physically outside but it means get out. Get out of your roles. Get out of your stress. Just go get out. Leave your boxed-in lifestyle and it's time to open up, spread your wings. Lekabalas paneha. We're coming to receive receive the Shabbat. כי ביומא דחולא היא מכוסא. Because during the week the Shechina's kind of covered up and we can't feel Hashem's presence. You can really if you meditate and there are ways to tap into it and you're learning and you're doing mitzvot but in general we're in the world and we're doing so much so we don't get to be that spiritually uplifted. Ve'asa hi misgalya. But now it's revealed because we've pulled back everything. No money, no phones, no it's the best feeling to put your phone away. It's just like I don't need that thing, I can't stand that thing. Oh my goodness, you know what that little flashing rectangle is destroying your life? It's destroying your life, just get rid of it. You don't need it. Now we need it. It's kelipat noga. Kelipat noga means it can be used for the good and used for the bad. But for most people it's 90% not great, not great doing stuff there. So just have a whole day and obviously you're not turning it on straight after Shabbat. It's not like okay done 25 hours let's go gotta check the World Cup score now. Because if you don't check the World Cup score now and you check it two hours later it might change. No, it's finished. The game finished 5-1, 5-1. Good goal though, good Haaland. Anyway, but it was 5-1. Three hours later it's still 5-1 now by the way. And tomorrow it's going to be 5-1. You don't need to know that. No, I have to know that. Knowing the football results is more important than spending a little bit of extra time basking in the divine oneness. It's also a very very important thing by the way. And we never judge people, G-d forbid. But some people daven from their phone. Why would you do that? Do you know how holy a siddur is? Beautiful the pages of the siddur. You can throw your phone on the floor. You don't throw a siddur on the floor you crazy. And then when you're done you kiss your siddur. You're going to kiss your phone at the end? It's like thank you Hashem. You don't put, don't you think you're looking at a screen for long enough that just for at least davening you don't. And also obviously if you're going to use your phone you have it on flight mode but some people are looking at the screen and still got things popping up. It's like dude, you're speaking to Hashem. You don't need. That's why my phone's coming nowhere near the Beis Knesses. I'm not bringing my phone into the shul. You're bringing your phone into a shul? You're crazy. It's like bringing your phone into the yichud room. You just got married, you've never been alone together. You be alone together for the first time and then you're like hold on wait we just I got to check the scores. You don't want to do that on Shabbat. Shabbat is the yichud room. I was I'm sorry I was at the Kotel this morning and I was davening. There was somebody who was talking who was really like in the middle of the Kotel. Somebody was talking on the phone and I was like shh shh and she and at one point she says to me זה לא המקום פרטי שלך. And I'm like I didn't say anything but I was in the middle of Shemoneh Esrei and I was thinking it's Hashem's it's not mine it's Hashem's place. Hello you're in the middle you know you're sitting and talking on the phone in the middle of the Kotel. Like it's so wrong right? It's not about me it's about Hashem right? Absolutely. I would did you and after you felt your immense frustration did you daven for her and say Hashem she just doesn't know any better. Oy Hashem if only she knew what it meant to be at the Kotel. Yeah. Yeah. Otherwise, I'd just punch them in the face. I try to pray for them. Exactly. That's what I said as soon as she left, but Hashgacha Pratis. You know, exactly. It's very, it's very easy for us sitting here now to say that. Like it's what very few people think, right. But why is it whenever we're in the moment? Because you've got to train before you get to the moment. I just had someone on my I have an online mindfulness course and one of the things I do I say you should have lavender oil. Smell the lavender oil, very calming. And he told I met him the other day and he said my I always I meditate whenever I get stressed I do your meditations and I smell the lavender oil. But now it's come that the smell of the lavender oil makes me feel stressed. Because I I associate it with stress. I need lavender oil and then I go. So I said, first I told him to come up with his own answer, but I told him the answer. The answer is don't wait till you're stressed to meditate. Meditate when you're not stressed. And smell the lavender oil when you're not stressed. Be chill. And then the truth is once you do that you don't get stressed. Why are you waiting to get stressed to meditate? Meditate so you don't get stressed. That's the whole point. So if you're that now I'm not perfect, if someone's talking loudly next to me at the Kotel or whatever distracting, I get very angry. I get very upset for thirty seconds. I'm like Hashem, I'm really trying to concentrate. And then I say, okay, I know what this is about. That person is actually a human being, that's Eliyahu HaNavi that you've sent to test my character traits. And and for some reason you don't want my kavana in my tefilla. You don't want me to daven with presence today, you want me to have patience for this person. So I'm here standing at the Kotel not to daven a good Mincha. That's not I thought I was. I was going to have an most amazing spiritual experience davening Mincha at the Kotel. You don't want that. You want me to forgive this person, to love this person, to pray for this person. Okay, I'll do that. I'll do that. I didn't want to do that, but I'll do it. That person's completely unaware that he's Eliyahu HaNavi in this situation. Yeah, he doesn't know. And you're also Eliyahu HaNavi. One hundred percent, you want to be there. I'll tell you my favorite quick story. But I tell it very often, but I'm going to tell it one more time just because you said it. There was a Chassid of the Baal Shem Tov and he said I really want to merit to to see Eliyahu HaNavi on Pesach. Eliyahu HaNavi comes to every house on Pesach and I really I'm going to purify myself. What do I need to do to see Eliyahu HaNavi? And the Baal Shem Tov he thought Baal Shem Tov would say you have to fast for fifty days, go to the mikva ten times a day. He didn't. He said go travel to this very small village and there's a woman there she's a widow she has five children her husband passed away and go and spend Pesach with them and then you'll you'll merit to see Eliyahu HaNavi. But you have to take all the food, they're very poor. Take food, tablecloth, candles, matzah, new clothes for the kids, everything. Go there. So he says okay, he was very excited and he got in his little horse and cart and he arrived in the village and he found this woman's house and he knocked on the door and said look I'm far from home can I be with you for Pesach? And she said I'm I'm so sorry like we'd like you to but we don't have any food here. He goes don't worry I brought all the food. She was like that's crazy. Brought tablecloth, candles, clothes for the kids, obviously the Baal Shem Tov knew what size the kids were, gave the right clothes for the kids. And he sat there and he did this whole amazing Seder for this family. And they were so there was so much joy. The mother and the kids they were so much joy it was amazing. And then they all went to bed at twelve o'clock and then he said right, now Eliyahu's going to come and he stayed up and he was davening and he was singing and he was thinking and it was like no Eliyahu. So chutz la'aretz they have two Seders. So he was like you know what maybe he'll come tomorrow night. Second night, amazing did an amazing Seder, the kids were loving it. It was the best Seder. They all went to bed, stayed up all night, no Eliyahu. So he was very disappointed so he said goodbye to them and he went back to his town, went back to the Baal Shem Tov and he said Baal Shem Tov it's crazy I did everything you told me to do. I didn't see Eliyahu. And the Baal Shem Tov says okay you got to go back for Shevii Shel Pesach, go back for the second days of Pesach. And then then you'll get to see Eliyahu. And he said but I just want you to do something just before you go into the house, before you knock on the door I want you to listen, listen into the house. So he said okay so he packed up some more food and more clothes and tablecloth, candles and he goes all the way to the village and he's about to go into the house coming towards the evening as the sun's setting and he remembered what the Baal Shem Tov said say listen in and he heard the woman and the children were crying. And they're crying and the the children were like what are we going to do? We have no food, we have no candles, we have no one to lead our nothing. And the mother said to the children don't worry maybe Eliyahu will come like he came last time. At which point he realized sometimes you're not meant to see Eliyahu. So much higher level to be Eliyahu than to see Eliyahu. So someone who wants to see Eliyahu is quite selfish. But I want to be, I want to be your Eliyahu. I, I want to be Eliyahu. I don't want to see Eliyahu. Well I wouldn't mind, but more than seeing Eliyahu, I want to be Eliyahu for as many people as I can. Well I might have been Eliyahu if you hadn't have said it. Definitely. 100%. Is that a choice though? No, you can choose to be Eliyahu. You can choose. Don't wait for Hashem to make you Eliyahu. You choose to be Eliyahu. Just help people basically. Consciously choose to be someone who's spreading light in the world. Okay? Be'ezrat Hashem. Shabbat.