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Send us Fan Mail The world stops, your body lights up, and something in you whispers destiny. We’ve all felt that electric pull, but what if that rush isn’t a soulmate calling you home—it’s a trauma bond beginning to form? We unpack the chemistry behind intense attraction, the psychology of intermittent reinforcement, and the subtle shifts from love bombing to confusion that train your brain to chase relief rather than love. I share the bar-night “movie scene” that hooked me, the red flags I...
The world stops, your body lights up, and something in you whispers destiny. We’ve all felt that electric pull, but what if that rush isn’t a soulmate calling you home—it’s a trauma bond beginning to form? We unpack the chemistry behind intense attraction, the psychology of intermittent reinforcement, and the subtle shifts from love bombing to confusion that train your brain to chase relief rather than love.
I share the bar-night “movie scene” that hooked me, the red flags I edited out, and the brutal truth about why smart, intuitive people stay. We break down how gaslighting plants self-doubt, why empaths and healers are especially at risk, and how consistency can feel “boring” when chaos once passed for care. You’ll learn to spot the cycle—floods of attention, strategic withdrawal, crumbs of warmth—and why the high of reconciliation feels so convincing after pain.
This is Soma Rising: Conversations for a Conscious Future —where health, wealth, love, and purpose flow together on the Golden Path of alignment. Learn more at somatribe.org
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Tabitha MacDonald is an Intuitive Coach and Bodyworker committed to helping people overcome pain fast so they can experience the love, success, freedom, and fulfillment they deserve.
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Soma Rising: Conversations for a Conscious Future
Welcome to Soma Rising, the podcast where science meets spirit and healing becomes the art of alignment.
Join Tabitha MacDonald, intuitive coach, bodyworker, and transformation expert, as we explore the path of the heart — the Golden Path — where health, wealth, love, and purpose flow together as one radiant field of creation.
Each episode invites you to release the ego’s grip and rise into the luminous potential of your soul — where love feels safe, intuition leads, freedom is your birthright, and peace is natural.
Through powerful conversations, personal stories, and Superconscious insights, we bridge the worlds of neuroscience, intuition, and energy healing to help you align your body, mind, and soul with your Higher Self.
Whether you’re healing from the past, awakening to your purpose, or learning to live intuitively, Soma Rising is your guide to embodied freedom and conscious evolution.
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SPEAKER_01: Today, we are going
to talk about something that
breaks a lot of hearts and
confuses a lot of intuitive
people.
We're talking about the
question: was it a trauma bond
or was it a soulmate?
Because if you have ever been in
a relationship with a narcissist
or a high control personality or
someone who's aloof, you know
the moment I'm about to describe
to you.
That moment where you meet them
and the world stops.
And you think, Oh my god, I've
known you forever.
You feel this electric pull in
your body.
Your intuition, or what you
think it is, lights up.
Your heart opens, and you say to
yourself, This must be destiny.
But today we're gonna unpack
something very important because
sometimes what feels like
destiny is actually a trauma
bond forming.
I remember the exact moment I
met my ex-husband.
It was February 25th, 1999,
somewhere in the evening at the
zebra club in Sacramento.
I remember it like it was
yesterday.
I was sitting at the bar with my
sister drinking dollar beers
because, well, it was dollar
beer night on a Thursday, and
who doesn't in their 20s like to
go to dollar beer night?
And uh she had had a really bad
day at work, and we were sitting
at the bar, and this really old
guy came up to us and he started
hitting on us, and we were not
in the mood.
And my uh like a few minutes
later, this this guy walks up to
us, and he pretended like we
were his wives, and we were
really grateful, and it was
funny.
Uh, you know, I don't know.
In your 20s, things are just
funnier.
Uh, I think.
At least when I was growing up,
we we were more I don't know, I
guess things felt lighter in the
90s.
Um, so there we are, and he
starts talking to us, and he
starts talking to my sister, and
I turn around, and like the air
stopped.
I remember it like stopping,
like the world stopped, and I
saw only him.
He was walking through the front
door, and I remember him shaking
his hair, and he had long, like
dark brown hair, and it was a
little bit curly, and he shook
his head back and forth, and I
just felt my body change.
Like energetically, I knew he
was probably gonna be my husband
one day.
He had on a leather jacket, it
was like it was like from a
movie, you know, those like slow
motion scenes where the world
stops and um it's just two
people and everything around
them fades, and and that's
literally what it felt like.
And you could smoke in bars back
then, and I remember seeing the
sm the smoke swirling around
him.
And um, there was just this
coolness about him that I was
super attracted to.
I really liked the kind of bad
boy look, and um he definitely
fit the bill at the time.
Um, and our eyes locked, like
our eyes locked, and he walked
up to me almost like there were
forces beyond us pulling one
another together.
I think within an hour I was
sitting on his lap and he was
reading me poetry, and I don't
think we separated for the next
three years.
And, you know, when we finally
did split and took a break, it
was, you know, a couple years
later where I started having
dreams about him again.
And I was living in England
going through a stressful
period, and I opened up my email
inbox, and his best friend at
the time had been writing me for
months saying that he'd been
trying to find me again.
And I I felt that same feeling
like destiny was was pulling me
towards like my life's real
purpose and meaning.
And the familiarity of that
feeling, I mistook as a soul
soulmate, like divine soul
union, like there's different
kinds of soulmates, and I didn't
know any of this at the time, I
was not very spiritual, I did
not understand the universe, and
I certainly did not understand
trauma bonds.
Because if I had understood
attachment theory or trauma
bonds at the time, this would
not be this romantic story where
I actually left out all the bad
details.
Um, it would have it would have
included maybe all of the
details.
Um, because to be honest, the
reason we broke up the first
time was because he was losing
his battle with alcoholism and
his personality was shifting and
he was becoming very angry.
But because I am a social seven
on the Enneogram, I rewrote all
of the red flag straight out of
our love story.
And if you have ever done that,
I now know a lot of intuitives
do that as well.
Um, so this question is really
one that I get a lot when I'm
working with clients.
And it's like, why don't people
leave when they know someone is
hurting them?
And this is men and women.
This is not just women who
experience aloofness,
detachment, trauma bonding.
Men experience it as well.
So, you know, the other question
is like, why do you think about
this person nostalgically
rumination, um, even though they
kind of destroyed your heart?
And I have a couple of exes like
this, where there's this like
shadowy rumination pattern that
just I can't get them out of my
head.
I now have processes.
You can download the free trauma
bond removal process.
It's uh links in the show notes,
and you can take advantage of
that and stop ruminating on your
ex today because it does work.
I created it because I needed
it.
And so what I want to say is
that you're not broken.
There's nothing wrong with you,
that this is actually this
psychological phenomenon called
trauma bonding.
And trauma bonding is not love,
even though it feels more
intense than love.
I will tell you that again and
again and again because it is a
chemical addiction in your brain
and your body.
It is not weakness, it is not a
lack of will or intelligence, it
is a neurobiological mechanism
that develops under specific
conditions of intermittent
abuse, transforming the toxic
relationship into a form of
addiction that is
extraordinarily difficult to
break free from.
Understanding the mechanism is
absolutely crucial, not only to
effectively support yourself, or
maybe you know someone else
who's really having a hard time
getting over someone, or maybe
they're still in a relationship
they just can't seem to break
the pattern with.
Um, but also because most of us
who endured that kind of
relationship think if I had
loved them more, then it would
have been different.
Because a part of you believed
that it was your fault most of
the time because you're the one
taking responsibility for the
relationship all by your
lonesome.
So in order to begin healing, we
really need to understand the
difference between a soulmate
and a trauma bond.
Because uh, and I did this
myself, I did not want to leave
a soulmate.
Like I thought, you know, I had
that mentality, no man left
behind.
Like if my soul picked this
person, I can't simply just walk
away from them.
That's abandoning their soul,
right?
So if you can relate, let me
know.
Because that I think is really
common for intuitive people, not
because we're naive, but because
trauma bonds feel spiritual,
they feel cosmic, they feel like
fate because they activate the
exact same systems in your brain
and your nervous system that
deep love and attachment
activate.
The difference they are built,
trauma bonds are built on
intermittent reinforcement,
which means sometimes you
receive love and sometimes you
receive pain.
And your brain becomes addicted
to this cycle.
I want you to think about this
for a second.
I've never done heroin, but I
hear it's incredibly addictive.
I have smoked cigarettes, so I
know the addictive quality of
nicotine.
And almost everyone has some
form of addiction that they
struggle with.
Scrolling on social media is
literally designed to keep you
addicted, um, using the same
neural pathways as trauma
bonding.
It's the same science.
Um, so there might be something
that you either have, and if you
don't like the word addiction,
we can just call overuse.
Um, so you know, if it's gaming,
if it's exercise, anything that
that has this almost like
compulsive behavior attached to
it.
Um think of something that maybe
you might have an addiction to.
Maybe it's chocolate, who knows?
So um, when you love this thing,
you love this thing.
And then, you know, for
instance, I loved cigarettes
when I was younger.
Oh my god, I loved them.
I would write love poems to
them.
I loved them so much.
And the the pain of smoking was
significant, right?
Like you can't breathe, your
skin wrinkles, your fingers are
gross, like it you stink, like
oh, it's disgusting.
It turns your teeth gross.
But I loved smoking.
Like, loved it.
I thought I loved it.
What I loved was the relief from
the pain of withdrawal from
nicotine.
Not the same thing.
I I'm gonna say that again.
I loved the relief from the pain
of withdrawal from nicotine.
When a drug leaves your body,
it's painful.
Because it is making the feeling
the temporary high, whatever it
gave you in the beginning, as
it's leaving, it feels like
you're dying.
This is why some people have to
go to treatment centers when
they have severe addiction
issues, because they they can't
quit because it literally feels
like you are dying.
And the crap part about it is
that your brain believes the
only solution to making the pain
go away is to get more of that
drug instead of just going
through the pain of the
withdrawal and getting to the
other side of it.
This is the same mechanism that
people who struggle with control
issues or you know, narcissistic
tendencies, you know, they don't
always have to be narcissists.
They could be people who have a
disorganized attachment style,
they could be people who have an
aloof attachment style or
avoidant.
Um, it could be, you know,
someone who struggles with
addiction issues, abandonment
issues, or um, rejection issues.
They might have so much fear of
being abandoned that they need
to get you hooked and addicted
to them.
So they do the love bomb, pull
away, love bomb, pull away.
That creates a trauma bond.
You are now addicted to the very
thing that is creating the pain
for you in the first place, and
your mind has decided that they
are the only way out of the
pain.
And that means settling for
breadcrumbs of attention for
scraps instead of for a full
healthy experience of love.
You might have experienced this
not in just romantic
relationships, but in
friendships, in friend groups,
in work relationships, in um a
manager that you might be
working for might use these same
control tactics.
Uh, it there's it's used in
many, many places or religious
organizations, some coaching
groups.
You know, like this is not a
small pattern, it is a big one
in our world right now.
And I was listening to the
Huberman Lab podcast earlier
today, and the guest he had on
was talking about how right now
on the planet, we are struggling
with high, high levels of
narcissism because of social
media.
And that was the message I kept
receiving was that the
escalation of social media use
was basically feeding this
disordered thinking that is
narcissistic thinking.
And it's taking perfectly
natural human beings who are not
narcissistic and making their
thinking patterns more in
alignment with narcissistic
thinking strategies.
I am not saying you are a
narcissist, but I am saying that
we have to constantly be
questioning the way that our
mind is working because it is
literally being programmed right
now to be thinking the same way
that someone who actually has
narcissistic personality
disorder is thinking.
And, you know, even if you might
assume, you might think that
maybe someone you work with
might be using narcissistic
control strategies with you, or,
you know, maybe a family member.
I this is really common with
parents who have a lot of
narcissistic tendencies.
And, you know, I'm not saying
that everyone's a narcissist,
but I will say strategies for
control or relational strategies
is what I like to call them.
Um, then you might all you know
want to try the trauma bond
meditation.
It's not only about romantic
love, it'll it'll help reverse
any kind of trauma bond that you
might be experiencing in your
life right now.
So let's talk about it a little
bit more.
In a healthy relationship, love
is stable.
Your partner is kind.
Most of the time, you have
regular, you know, disputes.
You work through them through
healthy communication, you learn
how to regulate your own
emotional states so that you're
not basically putting your
baggage on the other person.
And you you know they're there.
Like there's no, well, they
won't, they will, they won't,
they will, they won't, they
will, they won't, they.
The roller coaster isn't there.
And that can feel boring to
someone who grew up in a home
where there was addiction issues
or narcissistic abuse because
love was wired into your body as
chaotic.
So if you meet someone who's
like stable and available, then
they might feel like an absolute
threat to you and you'll find
them boring.
This is like that that saying,
Mr.
Nice Guy never comes in last.
And it has a lot to do with
addiction to the chaos
structures of our childhood,
which is why when you meet
someone who activates your
attachment wounds, you're
literally like on fire for them.
You become obsessed with them
because the neural pathways were
laid long before your first
encounter with this human being.
And it can feel like a soulmate
because the neural pathways were
laid when you were young before
you remember.
And even if you if you came from
a healthy home with loving
parents and you did not have
this, I've talked to a lot of
people who are like, yeah, but I
didn't come from a family that
was chaos.
We had secure, stable love.
And in in that time, you're
probably the perfect prey
because you just didn't know
they existed.
You probably made assumptions
that that they were like you,
and and you didn't have any
frame of reference to look for
it.
So, you know, it's not just
people who grew up in chaos,
it's also people who grew up
without any exposure and they
were just ill-prepared to meet
one in the wild, right?
So they were kind of like, we'll
just call it not naive, but like
naivete about um how far some
people will go to control
another human being.
So in this relationship dynamic
where there's a trauma bond,
love is very unpredictable.
One day they adore you, the next
day they criticize you.
And it doesn't always have to be
a flat-out criticiz, like
critical statement.
A lot of the time it's very
passive-aggressive.
They ask questions that slowly
make you doubt yourself.
And they might ghost you and
then say, Oh, it's not my fault,
you didn't text me.
And you can be looking right at
your phone and saying, Yes, I
did, and they'll say, Well, your
phone must be broken because I
didn't get it.
And pretty soon you start
planting the seed of doubt, and
you stop trusting yourself, and
that sucks.
I'm gonna say that that sucks.
But because intuitive types and
empaths, healers, we always see
the path of highest potential in
any given situation.
So we connect in with their
soul, like who they are, because
narcissistic abuse, like control
strategies, aloof, that's an ego
wound.
That is, that is not the soul,
right?
So we see their soul, we see
their potential, we fall in love
with that timeline.
And it makes it difficult to
reconcile who they are being
right now with who they are on a
spiritual level.
And I found that this was
probably the hardest part for me
because I didn't know I was an
intuitive, I didn't know I was a
medium, I didn't know I had
spiritual gifts.
And because, you know, we don't
really talk about it in our
world very like maybe now we do
more, but we definitely didn't
when I was growing up.
And, you know, we have this
ability to see people in their
their their light.
And unfortunately, if you were
trained to dismiss looking at
red flags, because if you grew
up in a home where there was
narcissistic abuse, where there
was addiction, you were probably
trained from an early age to
turn green flags into red flags
and red flags into green flags
in order to make sense of things
in your family.
You know, growing up with a very
active alcoholic in the home,
uh, we were not able to see red
flags.
It was like, oh, this is fun.
Like, is he gonna come home nice
or mean?
Like, who's coming home tonight,
Dr.
Jekyll or Mr.
Hyde?
And um, it was always a state
of, you know, I have to make
this bad behavior loving so that
I can survive this.
And that's a decision a child
makes.
And so when we're a grown-up and
we're going to have love, that
inner child comes up because
it's love is attached to play.
And our inner child loves to
play.
And so if we're out and we're
playing and we're having fun and
we're light-hearted, um, their
attachment wound is gonna come
up with it.
So we really need to heal that
wound because we don't want to
walk around letting our inner
child make grown-up decisions
for us in love and
relationships.
Because to be honest, you
deserve more than that.
You just do.
And, you know, I I recently had
an experience where, you know, I
was just talking to somebody for
like two months, and when we
met, it was it was not a good
fit.
And I think it was it was
interesting because I I had I
was probably the most detached
I'd been from an outcome in a
very long time.
Um, which meant to me that a lot
of my attachment wounds were
very healed uh because I'm never
that detached from an outcome.
And I thought, okay, this is a
really interesting and good
feeling because I'm not trauma
bonding.
I'm not responding to certain
behaviors that I used to respond
to.
And that he wasn't a bad guy, it
just definitely wasn't a good
fit.
And um, who they were when they
showed up wasn't who I thought
they would be.
And so, you know, it was more of
like uh, oh, okay, cool.
This is a lot of learning and a
lot of lessons, and I'm okay
with it.
And, you know, I I cleared the
energy and I listened to my
trauma bond loop for like seven
nights to make sure I cleared
anything unconsciously that
might be coming up.
And it was, it was creating back
pain for me.
Um, and that's a whole nother
conversation.
But let's go back to the trauma
bond.
So the it's the same mechanism,
it's an addiction over
production to dopamine, and the
unpredictability creates
something extremely powerful in.
Our brain.
Now, I will say, based on your
personal life experiences, how
this shows up for you is going
to be different.
That's why it's so hard to spot.
Because we're all wired slightly
different.
There's certain things that are
very standard, but based on your
life experiences and how you
processed them and how you
registered them, how you behave
is going to help you see, am I
experiencing another trauma bond
right now?
Um, but like it's also the same
mechanism that makes people
addicted to gambling.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you
lose.
Because you don't know when the
reward will come.
You just keep playing, and your
brain literally becomes addicted
to the chase and then the
withdrawal, and then the chase,
and the withdrawal.
Almost every trauma bond starts
the same way with love bombing.
This is when the person floods
you with attention, compliments,
maybe affection, future
promises.
They look at you like you're the
most extraordinary person
they've ever met.
They text you all the time.
They want to know everything
about you, your dreams, your
wounds, your childhood, your
fears, and you open up to them
because you're like, maybe this
is the one.
And it might be at work where
they're like, oh, this person
really wants to help me succeed.
Maybe it's in a friend group and
you just met your new BFF, and
they're like, Oh, this is like
your ride or die, your thumb and
Louise.
Like it feels safe.
It feels magical because it's
like they can see parts of you
that you didn't even know
existed.
And it feels you feel seen.
And I think that it makes you
feel safe.
Like, oh, if this person can see
me, I'm safe.
Like this person is, you know,
someone I can rely on.
And it really what you don't
realize is that during this
phase, the person is also
collecting information.
They are collecting a map of
your vulnerabilities.
Everything that you reveal can
later be used to manipulate you.
They're tracking everything
about you.
Almost like a hunter tracking
its prey.
Not everyone is aware that
they're doing this when they're
doing it.
I'm not saying all people who do
this are bad, but I am saying
that they are literally
collecting your vulnerabilities
to use as a weapon against you.
And after the love bombing ends
and things begin to change, and
it's usually slowly and very
subtly, they start becoming
distant.
You might get more criticism,
um, less predictability, more
unpredictable behavior.
And one day they're loving, the
next day they're cold, and
suddenly you're confused and
you're thinking, where did the
person and I fall in love with
go?
And so you try harder, you love
harder, you do more, you try to
earn back that early magic.
Maybe you're like, screw it all,
become the aloof one.
Um, and then you quickly realize
that they're way better at that
game than you are.
And when they suddenly become
kind again, you feel this
relief, like someone has just
removed tight jeans after
Thanksgiving dinner.
You know, that feeling of taking
something off that was hurting
you.
Your brain floods with dopamine,
and you tell yourself, see,
they're still in there.
They're the person I fell in
love with.
It must have been me, and maybe
I was emotional, maybe I was
making things up like they said.
And the truth is they were
always both people.
They are all of them, just like
you are all of you.
You can't separate them out.
They are both the aloof one who
withdraws and withholds love and
affection, and they are also the
present one who you share your
vulnerabilities with.
That's the hardest part.
Because they're both.
And I think the reason you know,
I really just want to talk to my
intuitive healers out there and
the people who are empathic,
because I think that you get
into the most intense
narcissistic relationships.
And it's partly because you like
I said before, you see potential
in others.
You can see their wound, right?
You know where the wound came
from.
And you excuse the bad behavior
with the wound, and you see
their inner child screaming for
love and affection, and you see
the good in them, and that's why
they're attracted to you.
Because you can see the best
parts of them, which is feeding
their narcissistic behavior.
SPEAKER_00: By the way.
SPEAKER_01: Narcissists and
people with control strategies
are very good at revealing just
enough vulnerability to hook
your empathy.
They may see say things like,
I've never been loved the right
way, you're the only person who
understands me, everyone else
abandons me.
And if you're a healer, that
lights up every part of you, and
you think I can help them heal,
but what actually happens is
something very different.
Your empathy becomes the very
glue of the trauma bond.
Eventually, the relationship
falls into this cycle:
criticism, withdrawal, conflict,
and then reconciliations,
apologies, or in my case, we
never even got to the apology
phase, affection, passionate
reunions.
And each time the good moments
return, the they feel more
intense because your nervous
system has just been through
pain.
Your brain starts to believe
something dangerous.
The pain is the price you pay
for love.
That love is pain and pain is
love.
Can you relate?
And now the trauma bond is fully
forming.
So if you think you might be in
a trauma bond, it's good to know
what it is because I didn't know
what it was.
I thought this was just love,
because this is all I ever knew.
I didn't know what a trauma bond
was.
Um, so if you've ever
experienced this, you may
recognize some of these signs.
You defend the person even when
they hurt you.
So let's say you're all sitting
at coffee and you're complaining
about a fight you had with your
girlfriends, and you one of them
kind of calls you out on it,
then you'll defend them.
Um, or something inside of you
will shut down, maybe you'll be
quiet, and you'll hear a quiet
voice in your head say, Oh, she
doesn't know what she's talking
about.
We have a great relationship.
Have you seen hers?
Beware of that voice.
You believe they will eventually
change.
You are rooted in the belief
that change is possible for
everybody.
You minimize the severity of the
abuse because the worst abuse
has no bruises.
Emotional abuse, neglect, that
leaves scars that wound us in
every area of our life, mainly
in success, in romance, in what
we think is possible.
And slowly over time, you lose
connection with your higher self
because they're just their voice
is lost to the whispers of
doubt.
You feel grateful for basic
kindness.
You can't imagine life without
them.
In fact, when I left the most
intense narcissistic
relationship I was in, I felt
like I was gonna die.
I remember going to the doctor
and saying, I don't think I'm
gonna survive this.
I need medication.
And I am embarrassed a lot of
the time to even admit that
because the pain, the emotional
pain of it, was so bad that I
felt like I might actually take
my own life.
Now, I love my children more
than my pain, so I worked
through it, I got the help I
needed, but it it almost
destroyed me.
That's how thick our trauma bond
was.
And if you've ever caught
yourself trying to leave and you
keep coming back, it's not
because you're weak.
And it's definitely not because
you're stupid, it's because your
nervous system has been
conditioned, that they are the
only solution to the pain you
are in.
This is where it gets really
confusing for people on a
spiritual path because trauma
bonds often feel like karmic
relationships.
They feel like you have known
this person across lifetimes.
And in some ways, that feeling
is completely wrong.
Sometimes these relationships
are soul contracts, but not for
the reason we think.
They're not here to be your
forever love, they are here to
wake you up, to teach you
boundaries, self-worth,
discernment, to help you reclaim
your power.
These relationships are often
what we call uh ignited by
trickster entities or trickster
angels.
They break your heart.
These are agents of chaos.
And they also break the illusion
that love must be earned through
suffering.
So when we're looking at
breaking the trauma bond, you
have to understand the the
spiritual side of it and also
the the science side of it.
Like healing from heartbreak is
is science and intuition.
They can't be separate because
you can't just heal it on the
spiritual plane, you also have
to heal it in your physical
body.
I kept seeing people come into
the massage clinic with these
patterns of pain that were just
linked to narcissistic abuse or
a parent who struggled with
addiction, a sibling who
struggled with addiction from
bullying, like their nervous
systems were wired different.
And that's what got me started
on the path of understanding the
long-term effects of mental,
emotional, um, and spiritual
abuse.
So when we're looking at
breaking the trauma bond, it
functions like an addiction.
You have to separate from the
person.
Your brain experiences something
similar to withdrawal, massive
anxiety, obsessive thinking,
nostalgia, intense longing.
And many people return to the
relationship just to make the
pain go away.
I I took the worst narcissist
back in 2019 because I thought I
would die without them.
And I actually there was a
moment when I was like, did God
put me in timeout with COVID?
Because I took them back and
they were like, God was like,
hey, let's put you in the house
together for a couple of months
with no other outside influence.
See how that works out for you.
Uh, because that did break it.
I will say that.
So like, um, I'm pretty sure
it's not my fault COVID
happened, but there was a night
when I did actually think that.
Um, but that longing, that
longing feels like it will kill
you.
And that's why people go back
and they go back and they go
back, or they keep dating the
same person in a different body
because they're like, I need the
pain to stop.
And that chaos is going to make
the pain stop.
And we need to begin to heal
this wound as a collective.
It is destroying families, it is
destructive.
I've seen people experiencing
narcissistic abuse outside of
the home and work, and the abuse
from outside of the home was
impacting the home.
So we have to understand where
it's coming from because we
always think that it's in love
and relationships.
It can come from anything.
It could be a colleague, a boss,
a sibling.
I see this a lot in sibling
relationships where you're in
this drama triangle with a
sibling and they're the abuser,
and you can't see it because you
just want them to love you.
And it can be extremely
destructive to families.
And, you know, the narcissist
doesn't have to be in your
family unit.
It could be someone in a
religious organization.
I've seen that happen,
especially in cliques.
Uh, I experienced this in mom's
groups, uh, where we had this
tangled kind of chaotic web, and
it was awful.
And I've talked to a lot of
other people who've also
experienced it, not inside of
the the marriage or the love
relationship, but it was coming
from outside and affecting the
home the same way.
And that's the sad part, is it's
like, especially if you're not
because most people I think are
thinking of it in terms of,
well, my husband or wife isn't a
narcissist, we have a great
family, but why is all this
stuff happening that feels like
what you're talking about?
Because it could be coming from
outside, it's not always inside
the family.
Um, and you know, it's also that
like you you might miss the
person, right?
So if you miss the person, let's
say there was a friend group
that I had where we had a strong
kind of control problems within
the friend group.
And when I moved, I missed them.
I also felt relieved.
Um and I missed I missed them to
the point where I really
couldn't find another friend
group again because I was so
afraid of getting in that
environment again with um with
with female friends, and that's
not all females, but this
particular female group was like
that.
And um, you know, it really had
an impact on my ability to trust
people later and to be able to
build strong female
relationships that were
consistent and supportive and
loving, and I have them now.
It's smaller, and I don't belong
to a group.
I have separate friendships that
are outside of each other.
Um, so you also miss the version
of this person that existed
during the love bombing phase.
And the problem is that they've
done such a good job rewriting
your brain that you don't
remember all the bad stuff.
All you remember is the good
stuff.
The heroin addict doesn't
remember the withdrawal, the
poverty, the the stuff that
happens.
They remember the high.
They don't think about the bad
stuff.
I read this meme that said, um,
if um if a crackhead can make it
happen today to get their crack,
I'm sure you can get your
billing done or something.
It was hilarious.
And I was like, truth, truth
with that.
But that's how powerful an
addiction is, right?
So the love bombing is the
version that you fell in love
with.
And I'm gonna just say, not only
was it them that you fell in
love with, it was the version of
you they brought out.
Because chances are they brought
out your hidden desires, this
hidden version of you that you
hadn't tapped into before,
because they can see your hidden
desires, the ones you fail to
recognize that you have.
For a lot of single moms, we
have this desire to have
support.
And I think that is what makes
us the most vulnerable
population.
Because a narcissist will come
in and offer some help.
They'll take the trash out or
like, you know, validate that,
yeah, that that's hard or that's
hard or do the dishes.
I mean, something small, right?
Like it doesn't even take a lot
for a single mom.
And we're like, oh my God, they
know what I need.
And it makes us vulnerable to
narcissistic abuse because they
don't have to work very hard to
get us to fall in love with them
when you know we barely have
time to take a shower.
We're probably in more pain than
we like to admit, and the dating
scene sucks after divorce, it
just sucks.
So it's it we become a that's
why if you're a single mom, I'm
really gonna invite you to take
a look at this because it makes
us so vulnerable to narcissistic
abuse.
And I I just have this love for
single moms because I I was one,
and I I went through some of the
worst heartbreak as a single
mom, not only from my divorce,
but the relationships that
followed.
And it, you know, unfortunately
taught, you know, my daughter
the same patterns, and that
sucks because we have to talk
about that all the time.
And I'm always like, oh baby
girl, you got that from me.
I'm so sorry.
Um, but like let's let me help
you break that.
So um, what a real soul
connection might feel like if
you encounter it, it can feel
very different.
It does not create a lot of
anxiety.
Um, if you've done your work, I
will say if you have an anxious
attachment style as your
predominant attachment style.
Anytime your love, your desire
to have love is activated,
you're probably gonna get some
anxiety.
Do the trauma bond meditation,
it'll help clear some of that
for you.
Um, I also have a parse
integration and soma tribe.
I'll put a link below if you
want to try it out.
It's like a dollar trial
membership.
And there's a whole love and
romance section in there that
clears all of this stuff for
you.
I mean, it's a dollar.
You should give it a try if
you're really struggling with
this stuff.
Um, so a real stable, secure
love does not make you question
your worth, and it does not
require you to abandon yourself.
True, soul-aligned love feels
like peace, feels like safety,
consistency, mutual growth, and
support.
You can relax around them and
you don't feel like you're
chasing them anymore.
You just feel like you're
standing in it, like supported,
like um, think about like a big
tree with deep roots.
The wind can blow you a little
bit, but you're firmly rooted in
truth.
So if you've ever been in a
trauma bond, I want you to hear
this.
You were not foolish, you were
not weak, but your brain was
responding to a very powerful
biological and psychological
mechanism.
And the fact that you are
learning about it means that you
are already starting to break
free.
And awareness is the first step
toward freedom.
If you didn't even know that
this existed or that you were in
it, you wouldn't even seek
freedom from it.
You would simply be caught in
the prison cell of the trauma
bond.
And I really it was the quote by
Rumi that really started to open
my eyes and wake me up.
And it was, why would you stay
in prison when the door is wide
open?
And it was, you know, during
this toxic relationship, and I
couldn't figure out what was
wrong with me.
Like every time I took this
person back, I started gaining
weight.
And now my pattern, my body, if
I'm in a relationship that's
toxic, my body does not matter
what I'm eating.
It will start putting on weight
as a protection.
And that is how I know when I
need to leave someone.
One, like my leg would go out
before now, my body just starts
compounding fat.
It's like, no.
So I will protect you.
And um, also I can tell that I
start ruminating and fantasizing
and not being willing to look at
the dark side of the
relationship, not being willing
to take like um have a need or a
uh not having any needs at all.
And then slowly I just start
losing my confidence.
And I notice that my nervous
system becomes exhausted, I'm
tired, I kind of like lose the
will to focus on the things that
I used to love.
And I'm so glad it's better now.
Like it's so much better now.
I can spot it so much faster
than I used to.
And sometimes I get mad because
I'm like, oh man, how am I ever
supposed to date again when my
nervous system's literally wired
for chaos?
And I know that when I'm ready,
the right person will come.
Um, because energetically,
intuitively, I can see them in
my field.
And um, I know, like I connect
in with my higher self and I
know they're coming, but not yet
because we're just not ready.
And that makes sense to me.
And um I will say that you know,
love, especially if you struggle
in love and relationships, it
requires science and spirit.
Like they can't be separated
because you have a human body,
you're in a human experience.
You cannot intuitive it alone.
It does need both the science of
how you're wired, attachment
theory, you know, trauma
understanding and trauma
responses, uh, you know,
codependency, you know,
overcoming those strategies for
connection and also this deep
connection with your true higher
self, like your true higher
self, not your protector
controller who's attracted to
the bad boy, but like the true
higher self.
Uh, and that is what I teach in
Soma Tribe.
But for free, I'm gonna offer
you the Heartbreak 911
meditation.
So, part of the thing that you
need to do is dissolve the
cognitive dissonance, which is
the version that you believed
was them, and then how they were
actually.
Because there's like these two
different people living in your
mind.
And let's all be real.
We all want to fall in love with
Mr.
Potential, not you.
know Mr.
Trauma Bond.
So we don't see Mr.
Trauma Bond because we just want
to see the potential.
And that's what our brains are
wired for.
It's wired for pleasure, right?
So what I'm going to invite you
to do is there's a there's a
link below.
If you're in if you're
interested, go download the the
link and you can dissolve the
trauma bond and you can also
dissolve cognitive dissonance,
which are these two different
versions of them.
And I promise you're going to
feel better really soon.
And you know there's a lot more
about the energetics behind a
trauma bond that we can talk
about later.
But I just want to say that it's
a deep spiritual wound to have
endured narcissistic abuse.
It affects your soul you know
it's it's not just a physical
wound.
It is a spiritual wound, which
we'll talk about maybe on the
next episode.
And I really want you to have
some compassion for yourself and
understand that you're
definitely not broken.
You're just wired for it.
So I hope this helps leave me a
comment share it with someone
who you think needs to hear this
right now.
And you know share the link if
you know someone who's stuck
who's stuck in a cycle of a
trauma bond do it with love.
Stop saying why are you going
back to that guy again?
Like you should dump them be
like hey I this might help and
just send them the link or the
episode and you know let me know
did it help?
Does it free you?
Do you feel better inside?
And it it's it's this shared
like vision of freeing people
from narcissistic abuse that I
have with my soul.
And you know at first I was not
on board.
I'm going to say that I was like
I don't want to go back to that
world of you know narcissism.
And it was because I still had a
lot of of pain from being abused
by narcissism.
And I'm not a victim.
I'm a very powerful person.
But re I guess realizing it and
coming out of it put me in a
victim consciousness for a
while.
And I think I was afraid of
losing myself to being a victim
again.
And I and I didn't want to do
that because I worked really
hard to get out of victim
thinking because I was never
there before until I realized I
had endured all of this
narcissistic abuse and it threw
me into a victim mindset that
was really hard to break out of.
And so I think that's why I was
really resisting teaching it
again.
I was afraid it would pull me
back into that mindset and it
has not.
So woo yay and um I want that
for you too I want you to be
free because you deserve healthy
secure love in all areas of your
life you deserve success.
You deserve to be free and to be
fully aligned with your highest
path of potential and to just
break those chains from around
your energetic ankles and your
you know your system you you
deserve better.
And I hope you know that and if
you don't yet know that you will
one day know that.
Much love to you.
Take care