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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 3:Let's talk for a minute about what to do when you're in crisis because that's just happened to us earlier this week. We were letting Cassie with Taylor nearby record a podcast that we thought was sort of going to be a a little bit of a rant and help her as she explored friendship. But things got triggered as she began to talk, and it went a completely different and unexpected direction. We had to talk about it and take a vote about whether to leave the podcast as it is and let it be uploaded and share it or not. It's very triggering emotionally just because of its intensity, and there's some reference to outside kids triggering things from the past at those ages, which we didn't even know was a thing.
Speaker 3:So we'll learn more about that later and share, but have that as a trigger warning because it is a very emotionally intense episode. It's also one in which we identify anger for the first time is actually one of the feelings that we've been having in response to starting to look at actual specific trauma. No specific memories are disclosed in this episode, but it is emotionally intense, and there was switching by the end of it. But because it was an authentic experience and so common to so many of us, we decided to go ahead and stay with the vulnerability and let it stay up in case it's helpful to someone else. But please take care of yourself while you're listening and after listening.
Speaker 3:And just so that you know that we're okay, after this episode, we were able to not only connect with the therapist and a friend, as well as the husband once he returned home. We also did some journaling and some coloring and some artwork to help continue process some of those feelings. And we had therapy with the new therapist the next day. So we wanted to reassure you that everyone is okay and we use coping skills like we're learning, but that doesn't make therapy pleasant and it doesn't make it easy. And it was just another reminder that even though we sometimes have fun on the podcast and there are always lots of adventures to have with DID, it's also intensely brutal and really emotionally difficult because of the traumas of the past.
Speaker 3:So talk with your therapist about grounding skills and coping skills and whatever you need to do to help yourself feel safe when it's really, really hard or emotionally intense. Even once we were settled down and feeling a little better after this, we still had to use a sharpie to write NTIS on our hand just to feel better for the next day or so. We also made sure that stuffies were available and paid extra attention that we were eating enough and doing what anyone inside needed to feel safe and comfortable while we start to process hard things in new ways. Healing is happening, but it doesn't always feel better at first. Sometimes it even feels worse.
Speaker 3:So this episode is pretty real in that way. But we wanted you to know that we're okay, and that you're okay too, even when it's hard. I don't know why. Sometimes it feels like everything is going just fine and maybe even better than it's ever been before. And then it all just falls apart.
Speaker 3:Like, what is wrong with me that we can't just hang on to it or maintain some kind of stability when nothing is actually wrong, like everything is fine. I have been in hellish relationships and horrible things with dating or living with someone so that I spent all night crying. That's not what life is like now. We have a husband who is good and kind and doesn't touch us without permission and doesn't invade us and isn't intrusive and gives us our space and lets us be who we are, whoever that is at any given moment, and just flows with everything. He's funny and he's kind and nothing is wrong.
Speaker 3:Everything is okay. We have lost children and we have grieved children and we waited for children and now our house is stinking full of them and they're fine. Everything's okay. We spent time waiting for our youngest daughter to be healthy and she's doing great right now. Everything is fine.
Speaker 3:We're even working again. And we just talked about that. I know that we did. I heard it. I know she even sent in an application to go back working to the ER again.
Speaker 3:Because people understand DID in the ER. People don't understand trauma. They need us there. So we could do that even if it's just part time when we're in The States to try and feed all these children that keep me in home for snow days. But my point is, like, everything is actually okay.
Speaker 3:And then we've even we're even making connections with people professionally who are good at what they do, but still know about us, but don't shame us for the struggle of it. And we have friends for the first time. I don't know what to do with that. And they're four hours away. So in some ways, it's good because we can't mess that up very easily.
Speaker 3:But also now it's hard because we have friends and now we moved finally. Except we did that right too because we're with our family and not running away. So that's the healthy thing. So why is it hard if it's the right thing and it's healthy? And we worked for, like, decades, literally decades to find a good therapist, to find the right therapist.
Speaker 3:And then we got a good one who was amazing and we adore her, but now we moved and we can't go there anymore. Except even then, we know she's not going anywhere. Like, we haven't been abandoned by her. We're the ones who left. That was, you know, classic.
Speaker 3:Like, most severe and significant self harm we ever did simply by leaving the good therapist. Like, what is that sabotage? Except it wasn't because in this case, we really had to. It was the right thing to do, but it was terrifying. It's just been really, really hard.
Speaker 3:Except, also, we weren't just jumping ship and quitting therapy. We did that right too. We have the family therapist. All the children just line up like little ducks and go in and out of her office like we have to have a four hour block just to deal with our giant family. And she's kind and funny and tolerates us.
Speaker 3:I don't know how I can't tolerate us. And then because it's hard to get in or always talk about kid things, we still were trying to follow-up until interviewed other therapists that now we got referrals on finally for local people. We could maybe see someone here in Kansas City area and interviewed a couple and tried out a couple. And so, like, right when everything should be hard, even that's not hard because now somehow we have three therapists plus one online because we're always traveling out of the country or when we can't make appointments. So we finally found a decent one online.
Speaker 3:So that's like four ther like, many therapists do you need? Could you have any more support? Could you be in any more therapy? Thank you, Chandler Bing. So now, all of a sudden, what the problem is, is that nothing is actually wrong.
Speaker 3:Like, there's literally nothing left to complain about. There's literally nothing left that we need because we have never ever in our whole entire existence been as surrounded by support and been as well cared for as we are now. And I don't just mean that selfishly. Like, it's our work too. We're working hard to love the husband well, and we're working hard to care for the children well, and we're working hard to learn how to be a friend even though we're a complete disaster.
Speaker 3:They love us anyway, so what am I supposed to do with that? I don't know. So today, I'm completely freaking out. Like, nothing is actually wrong. I understand that in my head.
Speaker 3:Cognitively, I understand nothing is actually wrong. And yet, I have cried all morning like a crazy person because I am one. Because what happens when you stop running? What happens when other people stay so long and so for real that you have to stay too? What happens when it turns out that now time really is safe and there's nothing left to hide from or to be afraid of or to run from?
Speaker 3:Where do you go when you don't need to leave? How do you talk to someone when there's nothing to defend yourself about? Because everything is okay. I saw something online and I don't know where it came from and so I'm sorry because I don't have a good quote or whatever, but that's not my thing and I don't know where it came from and so I don't understand. I think it was just a meme or something.
Speaker 3:But what it said on the quote was about how when people are abused for a long time, like when you're growing up abused all the time, the only time you were safe was when you were alone because it meant the abuse stopped, like they were gone or they weren't touching you right then or whatever it was, it was stopped for that minute. And so, like, how we do that without even realizing that, of just isolating ourselves, because we associate being alone with being safe even when the people around us are good people and kind people and they care. And I really, really, really don't wanna mess that up. I don't wanna mess up the marriage. Nothing's happened, you guys.
Speaker 3:I'm just freaking out. Everything is fine. I don't wanna mess up parenting. I don't want to mess up my friendships. They're so new and they're so sacred, and I don't want to taint them.
Speaker 3:I don't want to mess it up. It's almost like this panic that everything is going to be taken away because it's finally good. You know what it's like of when you can finally believe that everything's okay and that you're safe, and as soon as you start to settle in, they take you away and send you back. It's that waiting for the other shoe to drop. How do you turn that off?
Speaker 3:Because it haunts me and it should be a good take because nothing's actually wrong. And so why am I crazy? I know why. It has something to do with amygdala and hippocampus, but I can't even explain that and I don't know what it means or what it has to do with me. But don't ask questions that you don't want answers to when everyone's communicating.
Speaker 3:I don't need to know about the brain. I need to just not be crazy. And we had a weird thing happen where we were just playing with the youngest daughter. I won't I don't wanna say who because I don't have permission to say who. It wasn't me, but I know what happened.
Speaker 3:But we were playing with the youngest daughter and then totally had this flashback to when our niece lived with us years ago. And that was right before the mother was killed and the parents died. And so she lived with us, and then when the father died and the mother was killed, she went back to live with her parents, with the brother. And it was like all of a sudden, it was something our daughter did, like she laughed a certain way or something when we were playing with her, and it was like all of a sudden we thought she was our niece. Like, was very confusing.
Speaker 3:That's not ever happened before, and we just melted down. Like, she was okay. Like, we handled ourselves fine. Like, we took care of her and we got her to school and then just lost it when we got back in the van because there was something I don't understand how it changed. It was like it was the niece, it wasn't her, except I know it was her, and I know that's called a flashback, but I couldn't make it stop.
Speaker 3:And so then there was this, it was like dominoes into this panic feeling of like, because Denise was taken away, then our daughter's gonna be taken away. And I know that's not true, like, doesn't make any sense cognitively, but that was the feeling, and then that triggered this big, big thing of because she's four, almost five, which was a significant age to us, and we realized then and it was like somehow her age became a trigger. And so then we started thinking about that, like, is that a possible thing? Can your own child's ages be a trigger? Like, how is that possible?
Speaker 3:That's not even like a sensory input. So I don't understand if it counts or what happened, but then, like, we started thinking about the twins, and they are seven turning eight, which was another significant age. And so then, like, all those feelings just escalated, and then we started thinking about our triplets, and they are turning 12, and that is like,
Speaker 4:like, that is the world, like, oh, I can't, and I
Speaker 5:don't know how to turn it off, and
Speaker 4:I don't wanna be crazy.
Speaker 5:And everything's okay. Now time is same. Now time is same. Now time is same. Know.
Speaker 5:I know everything's okay. Everything's okay. I don't know. I don't know what's happening. It's too big, and I don't know how to make it stop.
Speaker 4:And I can't tell anyone because I want everyone to think everything's okay because I don't want to worry them. The husband thinks we're doing well, and we are. We are. We're doing fine. I can't tell the therapist because it's not her problem anymore.
Speaker 4:I can't tell our friends because they're four hours away, and I don't mean to make them worry. And so much is always happening with our family. I can't just complain about stuff all the time. Like, that's not the kind of person I wanna be, and I don't mean to, like, bring them down or that be the kind of friendship. Like, I'm not that kind of drama person.
Speaker 4:And so now it's coming out here where everyone's gonna hear it anyway, and then I'll just be in trouble for it. But it's how the words finally come out. I don't know why this is what works for us now, but we've learned, and I don't know how else to describe it. And I know that when we feel most isolated is when we need to reach out, but that's also when it's hardest and scariest. And it all is cutting at once, and I don't want to know, and I don't want remember, and I wanna make it stop.
Speaker 4:I wanna turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. I can't I can't do this. It's too hard. Why do you have to work this hard just to feel safe enough to be able to make everything feel unsafe because you have to do hard work about what wasn't safe? Like, that's not fair.
Speaker 4:It's not fair. It makes me so angry. It's like it's like then they they did all of those things in memory time, and now they get to steal now time because now time keeps getting disrupted by all of memory time. Because every time I'm finally safe enough and feel good enough, then stuff starts coming up because it's finally safe enough for it to come up, and it just ruins everything. I just wanna be a normal person.
Speaker 5:Hate this. I hate therapy.
Speaker 4:I hate what's wrong with me.
Speaker 5:I hate them.
Speaker 4:I hate that they did this to us.
Speaker 1:Make it stop. Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off. This is my office,
Speaker 1:you are safe. Is
Speaker 4:my office, you and This my office, and you are safe. This is my office, and you are safe. Is my office, and you are safe. This is my office, and you are safe.
Speaker 4:Is and you are see. This is my office in you, but safe. And no time it's here. And tears. And near here is a.
Speaker 5:He hurt me.
Speaker 1:I just wanna be better. Just wanna be okay.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before. Not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsbeat.com. We'll see you there.