Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Creativity isn’t tidy—it’s risky, chaotic, and full of surprises. It’s full of breakthroughs and breakdowns, moments of flow and moments of doubt. Join Mishu Hilmy for unfiltered conversations with artists, filmmakers, musicians, and fearless makers who thrive in the unknown, embrace imperfection, and create at the edge of possibility.
This is your front row seat to the self-doubt, unexpected wins, and messy emotional work of making something real. But craft isn’t just about feeling—it’s about problem-solving, process, and the devotion behind mastery.
Subscribe now for weekly episodes that celebrate the unpredictable, the playful, and the deeply human side of making things. Join the mailing list at mischiefpod.com
Email anytime at podcast@ohhmaybe.com and follow us @mischiefpod
Mishu Hilmy (00:03.244)
Welcome to Mischief in Mastery, where we embrace the ups, downs, and all around uncertainty of a creative life, and that steady, and sometimes not so steady journey toward expertise. Each episode we talk candidly with people I know, people I don't know, folks who produce, direct, write, act, do comedy, make art, make messes, and make meaning out of their lives. You will hear guests lay out how they work, what they're thinking about, where they get stuck, and why they snap out of their comfort zones and into big, bold, risky mo-
So, if you're hungry for honest insights, deep dives into process philosophies and practical tips, plus maybe a little mischief along the way, you're in the right place. For more, visit mischiefpod.com. Hello everyone, this is Mishu and welcome to Mischief and Mastery. Today we're talking with a close friend of mine, Tuxford Turner. Tux is an actor, comedy performer, and writer from all over. They currently live in LA, but call the Midwest home. And they can prove it if you happen to have Malort on hand, that's for sure.
Tuxford has been featured in and worked on television, film, and comedy specials from AMC to 4x3. Tuxford recently starred in the award-winning and critically loved independent feature film BAM! Broke-Ass Motherfuckers, which currently calls Tubi, Amazon, and Apple TV its home. Before getting to work infiltrating the comedy scenes of Los Angeles, Tux was a resident company member of the Iowa Theater while hosting, directing, and appearing in shows at The Annoyance, Second City, and stages all over Chicago.
Very funny, very kind, and very talented. So what do we chat about? Tux and I talk about the challenges around ambition and burnout, making friends as an adult, the pressure to measure your worth by output, and we also get into what it means to trust your pace, find joy in stillness, and create a life where you're actually present while making the thing. So if you like that kind of conversation, I recommend listening in.
you want to learn more about Tux, you can check them out at tuxfordturner.com or follow them on Instagram at tuxfordturner.com or follow them on Instagram at tuxfordturner. I'll have all that in the show notes. But without any further ado, here it is a very fun conversation with the Tux and myself. Enjoy.
Tuxford Turner (02:18.476)
Yeah, honestly, I'm really excited right now about the moments of quiet that I'm finding in my life. And that's something that I don't usually carve out in my life, you know, because I'm so busy. And the fact that I am sort of starting from scratch has given me the opportunity to like realize how important that is for me. And so, yeah, I also have been doing lots of good therapy and diving into that. like been really, really taking care of my mental health and
I have a beautiful backyard that's like, just feels like this little corner pocket of the city where I just have like lots of nice quiet and I can have conversations with people and with myself. And so that is then making everything in my life better. Like I feel like there have been many times in my life where I've been at shows or been, you know, working on stuff and not sort of fully present because my mind is going so fast and I'm so overwhelmed and I don't.
I don't necessarily trust myself and like all this stuff. And for the first time when I'm like, not for the first time, but right now when I'm going out into the world, I actually feel like present and invested and, and happy because I have some moments of like real true calm, which is cool. Also a thing about LA is that you can like have houses with yards and stuff.
That's pretty cool. A little bit more space. And also I think the car can kind of become a sanctuary as well. Like you can make it a sanctuary because you also have a car in LA, right?
Yeah, yeah, definitely. It's, I, I do have a lot of like quiet moments. I, sometimes it takes me a long time to get places. Cause like when I'm going home, I'll just like sit in my car. It's just, you know, in the city. think there is, it is sometimes a bit disconnecting though. Cause like when I moved to Chicago, I was like bike train, you know, I like didn't have a car rarely to the Ubers and it really sort of sank me in the city. Like it really felt like a piece of it. And there is something sort of alienating about, about being in a car, but.
Tuxford Turner (04:17.207)
There's so much to do here and there's so many places to go that at the same time, it's very freeing because you're like, I can drive an hour and be in a mountain. know? Like that's crazy. So yeah, so I'm, I'm, I'm enjoying all of the, the little bits and pieces of life that like only LA can offer me. Yeah. And then just going across like comedy people and I making new friends is, really exciting.
you know, scary as well. feel like we sort of lose the, like, it's a lot easier to make friends when you're young. Hot take. Nobody's ever said that before. But, but I think, you know, we just sort of take it for granted. And it's like, it's sort of a muscle that atrophies as you get complacent with it, you know, and I, I have these moments where I'm like at home and I'm like, I'm so disconnected from it and you I'll be working and like some successful comedian will be like right next to my bar and I'm like serving their friends or whatever.
they're in it and I'm outside of it and you know I'll like work like like film premieres and stuff and I'm like why like I'm just on the other side of it I'll never I'll never get into it and then and then I like go to events I like go out and actually participate in the comedy community and I'm like making friends and making cash I'm like right I you just have to do it you just have to go out and like participate and then people will like remember you and like you and want to spend time with you and make things with you you know I'm like yeah right right you can't just you know
created out of nothing, which is a nice reminder because I think I forgot what it felt like to be new to Chicago or new to anywhere.
Yeah, yeah. I think also like participation wise, especially outside looking in, it's like very, I think painful or I can feel insecure about it. And then sometimes when I'm in it, the judgment's like, you're not participating enough. You're not doing it enough. Yeah. It's like, think there's something to be said about consistency, but maybe also patience where it's like, Hey, you're new to this scene or new to a community, or you've also gone through whatever sort of challenges of like moving in life in general. But I think.
Mishu Hilmy (06:18.316)
you know, navigating impatience or qualifying the amount of work you're doing. It's kind of easy. It's like, it's, it's easy to be hard on yourself where it's just like, you're not, you're just like not doing enough and you'll never sort of make the growth or movement you want. So like, how have you been dealing with at least that degree of like patience and you know, looking in?
That's an excellent question. I had a wonderful 4 a.m. conversation with our mutual friend Konishi, the artist extraordinaire. We were up from like midnight to four, just like sitting on her balcony, just like talking, getting deep into this. Because I think I've always judged myself for my output and my capacity for output. A big part of that is like, don't trust my brain.
I struggle with executive functioning regularly, always. And that's led me to sort of not trust myself that if I stop at all, I'll stop forever. And I'm all these promises and I'm writing all these checks I can't cash and all this stuff. And somehow, even though I'm doing 10 things, I'm not doing enough. And because I'm doing 10 things, none of them are good enough.
You know, I'm really scatter focused and I can't sort of focus on one thing and like all this. And I think that the world really incentivizes that incentivizes you doing as much as possible. And also sort of what's what I'm looking for, not like fictionalizes, but, like deifies, guess. Legend, legend defies, like deifies people who are like, you know, seven days a week. You know, and like, but that's easier for a lot of people than is for me, you know, and.
I get really swept up in what I'm, what I'm doing and like kind of get lost and actually enjoying it and making the best work I can. She, Konishi had been working on this video and we were editing it and it was like, not it. You know, she was like, this is not, she's like, this may be like 50 % of what was in my head is on the screen, but it's like, it's just not quite working. I don't know what it is.
Tuxford Turner (08:24.93)
but she's an incredible artist. And like, I think this is an important part of the artistic process that is often, you know, not talked about. And I really relate to is like, there's so much, like for me as a comedian, it's like, everyone is like, you should be doing mics every night of the week. Like you should be hitting three mics a week at like seven days a week. And like there's comedians like Mike Bermiglia who like really focused on like working in comedy and like working doors and like being in clubs. And so was able to start getting like check spots and stuff where you can kind of.
put a life together where all you're doing is stand up and like, that's cool. That's great. not necessarily where I'm at or what I want to do. And, and I think there's a lot of intrinsic judgment where it's like, I'm not releasing enough music. I'm not going to enough mics. I'm not, you know, making enough movies. I'm not making enough scripts, you know, I'm, and, but, you know, if you set unrealistic goals for yourself, then everything suffers. And it's like, are we optimizing for the algorithm? Are we optimizing for quantity?
of output, are we trying to make the best art we can make? You know, and that was sort of the conversation we were having is like, how do you get there? How do you make the best art you can make and like somehow divorce yourself from this idea of like who you're supposed to be, you know? Right.
Yeah. Yeah, I do think, I think I lean more toward the quantity side because it's like the quality side, I lean toward like that's kind of out of my hands. I can't determine what's the best. can't determine what's good versus what I can determine is how frequently am I doing this and how much do I enjoy it while I'm doing it. But I think the challenge is like when you're obsessing over quantity, that's sort of like that, that I use the term insecure ambition or it's like, I just got to do more and more and more because you've never defined what's enough.
Insecure ambition is so good. I love that. Yeah. And that's exactly it. I, I think for me, what I'm learning is like the definition of quality for me is like really what am I enjoying? Yes. And how can I, how can I create a life where when I'm working on things, I'm really legitimately enjoying it, you know, because I've felt so often like, God, I have to finish this thing, you know, and like, because I put this pressure on myself now, I don't want to do it. You know, I'm kind of like.
Tuxford Turner (10:35.422)
yeah, screw that. Or I just not in the mood for it and I'm so busy and I get home and I'm exhausted and I don't have the time to work on these quieter projects. really need time for me to be by myself. And then I'm like, I'll carve out this whole chunk of my life to just be by myself to solely work on this thing. But it's like, because I'm so busy, I burn out and spend like.
all that time just like burnt out. So yeah, I'm trying to find like more of a healthy rhythm in my life so that I can enjoying the things I'm doing. Cause I think that that really connects immediately to quality of what you're doing, you know? Right. Yeah.
Yeah, because I think if there's the integrity there of like while you're experiencing it, not that it doesn't need to be easy. It can be hard. It can be challenging, but like the level of presence while you're doing something challenging, I think you can step away and say like, I had integrity doing it versus like hustling and grinding and being exhausted and just sort of like not present with it kind of like in an anxious state. I just got to finish this so then I can do the next thing and then I can do the next thing. And then it's like, all right, you've created a sort of a
pattern where you're always looking to do the next thing versus enjoying the life you live right now.
Yeah, exactly. And so for so long, I think I've, I've, and I think a lot of artists relate to the feeling of being like, I need like, this isn't the life I want to live. Like that's the life I want to live. And I, and how do I get there? You know, how do I get to the place where I'm doing this full time where I'm, you know, able to, don't have to take chunks of five to eight hours out of my day every day, five days a week. So like, go do a job that has nothing to do with this, you know? And, and that, like that has.
Tuxford Turner (12:14.35)
tortured me. I've been so just like with that feeling for all my life now. All my life. From when I was in middle school watching sketch comedy at like 2 a.m. on YouTube. You know, I'm like, I need to be doing that, you know, and still like that. But same people are making sketch. College humor is now drop out. And now there's all these people who are doing drop out. they're like, there's this beautiful middle class of comedy. And I'm like, I need to be there. Like, how do I get into that? do I? It's.
And then yeah, you just, I've sort of have watched my life just like blip by from time to time, you know? And that's, yeah, something I was really doing this past year. I had a lot of times where I was like, well, you I need to be doing something creative, but I need to be making a bunch of money. Like maybe I could like, I could get this photography company going and like use a photography company to like sort of, you know, support my acting. And I can like kind of blend them all into one thing where I'm also doing video production and producing my own videos. you know, I have all this free time and blah, blah, blah. And.
I was, I just like burnt, absolutely burnt myself out. Cause I, every day I'd wake up and I'd be like, okay, I have to like do this whole huge list of stuff. And at no, and very rarely did it. Was I able to just like sit still and be like, wow, you know, trees. And, and so, yeah, I'm learning to really enjoy that. And really I'm a bartender right now and I love bartending. Like I really do love, I love it. Like I get to interact with people. I get to make people these beautiful little.
I make a lot less tips in my coworkers because I put a lot more time into each cocktail. I'm learning that, but, but I've spent a lot of time, uh, in jobs, into jobs, like not enjoying them. Cause I'm always thinking about like when I can get out and I can go, you know, host a show or go like meet people and make things and, know, and I'm, but I, and I'm, do I, like, how do I get from here to there?
And like, I'm trying to completely divorce myself from caring about the there. I'm just focusing on like, the things I'm doing, everything I'm doing right now, regardless of whether or not it's something that I want to be doing, you know? Yeah. Yeah.
Mishu Hilmy (14:19.98)
Yeah. think long-term that's probably healthier because you're creating a pattern of presence versus like, I'm all for looking for the back door, the side window to get into the industry or to get there. But like, if your effort is spent, like, I just need to find that window and you're just focusing on finding the window rather than like enjoying crawling through the grass to break in. It's like, like part of enjoying the crawling through the grass is like working a bartending gig.
meeting your peers and colleagues that potentially will be there, you know, with you the rest of your career, or even if it's not career oriented, the rest of your sort of, you know, life at these intermittent connections. I think that's, that's better versus like kind of not just like, yeah, just being so preoccupied all the time.
Yeah. And there's so many like cracks and doors in like the wall. Yeah. I've heard this, this metaphor of, know, you're kind of like trying to get into a creative industry is like, you're just walking along this wall, like trying to find, you just keep going until you can find the crack and like, it's what you're walking. You're crawling through the grass. I love you said that. But like when you're trying to race to get to this specific window that you, that you know exists, like there's so many little cracks that you miss and so, so many little opportunities to.
you know, look around you and enjoy life. And yeah, I feel like all the most successful people that I know, like didn't have a linear path. Right. Yeah. You know, they, they were just making things they like, like not burning out, trying to do things that they think they are supposed to. That's what I'm trying to embody right now. Yeah.
I also think a lot about like, all right, now you're in the building. It's like, I am not worthy because I'm in the building. think being in the building is not going to validate you or provide you with worth. And that's also like the practice of like, oh, you're enough, Tux. You're fine as if you're worthy.
Tuxford Turner (16:07.926)
Yeah, yeah, when you're, when you're, when your whole life has been like racing along that wall, if you manage to get through the wall, then you're like, shoot, what do I do now? You know, right. I'm trying to have patience and you know, I get home and I still have the thought of like, I need to edit all these videos. I need to like work on all these, projects I had backed up. And then like my, downstairs neighbors hanging outside, like smoking cigarettes with my friend, Zach, who lives with me. And like, I'm like, you know what?
You
Tuxford Turner (16:37.646)
I'm just gonna go, I don't smoke cigarettes, but I'm gonna go hang out with my neighbors and talk about the world, you know? And be where I am right now. And then when I'm actually working on stuff, I actually enjoy it more, because I feel like I have a life.
Yeah, it's like everything has its price. Like the price of drive is like, can become pretty, you can lose yourself with drive. I think the challenge is, like, maybe it's like that balance of wanting growth, right? Wanting to sort of grow and challenge yourself, which are beautiful needs. But, you know, to, figure out a way to do that, that is, you know, maybe in integrity with what you value rather than kind of like mindlessness or unintentional. Cause I think.
It's very easy to become compulsive and unintentional. It's like, all right, now I'm just like cramming out self-tapes and I'm doing auditions, but you're not really like providing a point of view or seeing sort of where you fit within.
Yeah, definitely. That's been big for me this year as well as I'm getting a lot of really good, notes on my tapes and on, my acting. I took a really good class beginning of the year that I'm going to continue right now. There's really about to be a really slow season in my job. So I'm sort of holding off on all of my major expenses until after then. Plus I have to like get my car registered. That's like the cost of two classes. So, but I had a really good class and like, I have a manager who's like really watching.
like my stuff and letting me know things. And I just realized like, I look back at old tapes and I'm rushing them, you know, I haven't, not that you need to like fully memorize the script, but like I haven't, I haven't gotten it in my bones to the point where like I'm bringing my own take to it or I'm fully present and I'm like looking down all the time, you know, that was my manager was like, you gotta stop that. You can be looking down at your script. And I'm like, thank you. Cause there's no, there's not a lot of feedback on self tapes in Chicago. And, and, and yeah, and, and the,
Tuxford Turner (18:30.542)
The sort of metric for quality for an actor is like, how present are you? it's so hard to balance exactly like the, okay, I need to be present so that I can act like, but I need to, you know, it's like, okay, I can't actually, that doesn't work. Like I need to just be present. And then also like I enjoy my life so I can enjoy my acting and really dive into it have fun. And I had a ton of fun preparing like a bit part for like a waiter in this, in this indie film.
or actually not any film in this film. It was like the most fun I've ever had working on a self tape. And it was because I was like relaxed. I like took the time to do it. I set enough time aside that I could like have breathing room and not be like running at the end. And I challenged myself to like get a really good reader online who could give me notes. And I was really nervous about that, but it was great, you know? And I just had a really good time. And then I watched it back and I was like...
Yes, I'm bringing it. I didn't get the wrong, it was a local at Cape Cod, but what can you do? Yeah.
I remember like really, I think to me it was like a sign that I wasn't down for acting. Maybe I loved writing and comedic performances and improvisation, but like just straight acting. just, it took me a while to realize I just wasn't down for it. Cause I wouldn't spend the time to like memorize, not even like with self-tapes. I think there's like a, there's something about like, Hey, you're not paying me yet. So I'll give it 30 minutes or whatever, 20 minutes. But like, do you find that there's any sort of resistance or self-sabotage? Cause you're like,
This is more of a means to an end, but I don't know how I really feel about acting say versus like comedic, know, know, stand up or improv improvisation or writing, like, or are you feeling pretty connected to like the, world of acting?
Tuxford Turner (20:15.284)
No, I'm full of self-sabotage. Absolutely. have a brain where if something isn't fully pulling me in, it's hard for me to do it. It's physically painful. Often reading a script can be the worst experience in the world for that. Especially when I've been at a job where there's lights flashing at me for hours on end and I'm having conversations nonstop and you're surrounded by like...
short term short form video that's like, being your brain energy away. then it's like, okay, good. I'm supposed to sit still and read a script 250 times. Like no way. But, that, but that's exactly like, exactly. It's the same thing we've been talking about though. Cause it's like, I'm not historically. That's not true. I enjoy reading many scripts, but it's just like when it's like, I have to do this. Sometimes you put a lot of pressure on yourself and like, start skipping steps and being like, I'll start memorizing, but I haven't like really gotten into the character in the script yet. And.
And then sort of all of it doesn't work correctly. And, and you know, it's, it's the exact same thing we've talked about. We've been talking about, we're like, if you can slow down and find ways to like, enjoy your present and, you know, delete TikTok or Instagram reels or YouTube shorts, the worst of them all. If you can like somehow like get rid of, not get rid of those distractions, but build a healthy relationship with everything in your, in your life. Like for me, like that's been what's been.
allowing me to connect to the scripts. And I realized, cause it's like a lot of the times, like there's so much that's so pressing that it almost feels like all of this prep that you want to do is, you know, kind of inconsequential in a way, you know, where it's like, well, I have to do these things to get to this place or I've made all these commitments and I to do my work and I have to, you know, I have to clean my room. My room has to be perfectly clean before I can, my room right now is an absolute mess and it's intentional.
Because I don't have time to keep it as clean as I want to, you know? And so I'm like, I just let it get dirty and then once a week I'll like take care of it. And it doesn't have to be pristine when I finish. Anyway, when like, like I'm trying to like carve back all of the sort of unnecessary excesses of my own expectations so that I can, you know, sit with things that feel inconsequential. Like I struggle with writing for this exact same reason. Cause it's like, I don't give myself the, I don't, feel like I like it's, it feels frivolous to like.
Tuxford Turner (22:42.03)
sit and imagine things. But it's not. It's the most important work, you know? But it doesn't necessarily have this tangible outcome. It's not connected to money. it's not, know. And yeah, I'm just trying to really refocus. And I've been feeling a lot more present with everything I'm doing because of it, you know? And it's not perfect, though. I'm exhausted.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot, there's a lot there, especially with like tension and focus, right? We have all these tools to distract us. And if you don't know what to focus on and you can't pay attention to anything, then you don't know what to prioritize in your life. And you're just sort of like this meat sack that's at the whims of the technocrats and the techno oligarchs. So you're at a place of vulnerability, self-loathing and insecurity where it's like, shit, I just spent four hours not totally distracted, totally dopamine'd up.
Maybe I do need to buy this thing that was just served up to me, this ad that was just served up to me, new piece of technology or these clothes or whatever. like, think like technology, pardon me, attention and focus are really precious to protect. And then like, yeah, the whole thing of like, trying to get things in order is also, you know, important where it's like, you know, what is enough energy?
to just be like, what can you allow to be incomplete so you can focus on just like being okay with the yak?
What can you allow to be incomplete? We got some good nuggets out of me.
Mishu Hilmy (24:10.818)
Yeah, get those nuggets, get those nuggets.
that's great. I'm taking notes. I love that. No, a hundred percent. And I like that you said focus as well because I absolutely have a HD and it's been hard sort of coming to terms with that. Cause right now there's a lot of like pushback against people who are like, well, not everyone can have a HD. Not everyone can be autistic. it's like, lucky maybe everyone is neurodivergent and, and, neuro, what is it? Neuro-typicality doesn't actually exist. don't know. I don't want to be radical, but, but I, but.
You know, I'm, I am someone who really sort of struggles struggles to do the things that I want to do. And when you are struggling, do the things you want to do and you're, and you're not happy, the tech will really, will really get you. Yeah. And like I didn't, um, I didn't prioritize like really taking care of my mental health and especially this past year, like I really.
Yeah.
Tuxford Turner (25:06.126)
I had so much going on and I was trying to take care of someone else and I was trying to get all these things started and know, you know, I got a manager before I was necessarily ready to and you know, so then I was trying to catch up with that and then I adopted these cats and I'm so sick. And like, there's like, there's just so much going on and historically it's always felt like, well, like I can't take time to sit down and like figure out how healthcare works. You're like, absolutely not. And I have ADHD so it's like, it's our, it's impossible, you know? But, but.
Really refocusing on my mental health and like, know, trying, trying different medications and finding psychiatrists and therapists to you can really talk to and be open and comfortable with has been like so essential. And it's okay to have labels that people think are frivolous. All of this frivolity. I'm embracing frivolity.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think sort of like knowing how you can kind of claim it, whether it's maybe not so much at the identity level, but at the self care level of like, no, I'll claim it. And I'm on a sort of a, awareness journey and a healing journey rather than like, you know, there's no shame in asking for help and seeking help. that's, that's big. And also, you know, I think you mentioned earlier kind of like the, don't, maybe I'm distilling it around ease and you know, I think a lot.
about around action and reaction, you're talking about like, why don't I just sit down and kind of write this creative thing in the frivolity of it. And I think a lot about like action and reaction where it's like when you're making something creative, you're not going to see the reaction after a very long time. So there's no real like psychological kind of reinforcement versus other things like, you know, the algorithm or even for me, like video games, like I played compulsive online chess six hours a day.
because I love the action reaction. I can see what the fruits of my labor give me. And it's usually a lot of losses versus you write something, you don't know what your actions going to kind of yield. So there's no real sort of reinforcement mechanism. So it's easier to seek something that's giving you that kind of input output immediately rather than if you write a script input, you won't see the output. So there's no reinforcement of like behavioral reinforcement.
Tuxford Turner (27:16.882)
I've played so much RuneScape in my life. That is the worst game in the world. It's like gambling with no money. But it's just, you just get those little dope hits. It's like, okay, I gotta grind for 23 hours straight. And maybe I'll be able to multitask while I do it. But it is exactly that. like, because my little numbers go up. My little numbers go up and there's little fireworks over your head when you a new level. But then I'm like...
What am I doing? It's sort of like playing, playing like life Sims as well. Where you're like, what? Why aren't I just living my life right now? And it is that, cause it's just, it's so immediate and like that doesn't, you know, it's not like when you finish a script, something is like, right. did it. You kind of finished it you're like, this actually sucks. my script actually sucks. And now I have to have people read it and realize that it and rewrite it. then, you know, like there isn't that sort of.
feedback and you kind of have to make it for yourself. that's something I really struggle with is like, know, finishing something and just kind of having the experience of like nothing, there's nothing, you know? And so then my brain starts filling in all of these stories about how terrible it is, you know, how I'm not doing enough or whatever. And, and it makes it really hard to continue things, but yeah, I relate to not chess specifically. That's kind of cool. Cause you're, developing a real life skill playing online chess.
is. Yeah, I don't know. mean, yeah, yeah. It's too many hours gone. It's like, it's an addiction. really, can't, I can't play chess. just, I just, yeah, I can't. It'll go.
I was having a conversation with someone a while back about how like everyone who's really good at chess looks like they're having a horrible time because they like can't stop playing chess. And then they've like built their lives around it and they're all like, God, I can see 10 steps ahead at all times. Like this is like, I already know if I'm going to win or lose the game by like the first, the second move or whatever.
Mishu Hilmy (29:00.415)
Yeah.
Tuxford Turner (29:08.448)
There's like, yeah. And my number has to go up. I do love that. Yeah. That's, it's important, I think, to admit when you're addicted to anything, but especially video games. Cause it can feel like it's like, well, I'm relaxing. This is important. Like at a certain point it's not. there, and there are people who can like play League of Legends for three hours straight and then stop and then work on their script. Am I talking about a mutual friend of ours? Absolutely. Like, it's, but it's like, that is not my brain. If I pick up.
RuneScape, I'm gonna be playing RuneScape for two weeks straight and I have to accept that so that I don't do it, you know? Parallel game.
Yeah. Yeah. All right. I relate. relate. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, how, like, sometimes I wish I could sort of trick the brain into like treating writing like that. It's like, how can I create a Duolingo for writing where you get the sparkly things? I think even that would kind of, then you're just sort of like writing, you know, every time you write interior location, it'll just like give you a little bleep and like, you're on your way to, you know, telling a story. You're like, all right.
Well there's those people who can be like, I write a page and I eat an M &M. I start eating M &M's, all I'm thinking about is eating M &M's. gotta know I get it. It doesn't work for me. I gotta figure out, maybe I should get fireworks. I should like shoot off fireworks. People in my neighborhood love fireworks. It drives me crazy. I am scared of fireworks. One of them.
yeah
Mishu Hilmy (30:25.932)
Yeah, I think I used to, you being afraid of the fireworks or you could be one of the people just like.
I could be one of the people shooting fireworks. Yeah. And then I wouldn't be afraid of because I'd be in control.
Exactly. Yeah. I do think around like the spirit of curiosity. So I'm like, I'm wondering about where you're at because I used to, think be a little bit more experimental and curious. For example, I would write 10 one-liner punch lines every day and I would reinforce it by like giving myself a chocolate at the end of writing 10. But like for you, how have you been like implementing curiosity to, you know, find consistency or create, you know, a little bit more regular than that?
such a good question. And I wish that I could say that I'm doing it more than I am. again, I think it's like my, for me, it's like my curiosity right now is in my like daily life. that I think opens me up to taking a lot more risks creatively. I am also trying to take risks with like being public with what.
I'm making, cause I make a lot of things in secret. Nobody ever sees. And, and, and, part of that is like, is having a healthy relationship with what you're making so that it feels less, you know, it feels less important that everyone loves this. But yeah, how am I experiencing curiosity? I think I'm trying to encourage my whims, but at the same time, like direct my whims towards things that I want to do. And for me, I can only do that when I'm taking care of my life and my mental health.
Tuxford Turner (31:53.378)
Yeah, allowing my women's like, listened to like a whole, no, I listened to like a bunch of chapters of an audio book that was related to this audition that I did for the, for the waiter position, for the waiter role. And it was like, it was like, I'm not, you know, I'm not memorizing my script. I'm not, I'm not doing, you know, the things that I feel like I'm supposed to be doing, but like, but this is what I want to do right now. Like my brain is asking me to listen to this audio book that has to do with the script.
And like, and I should follow that. Like so much of creativity is supposed to be about curiosity. Right. And I think that I've because been so busy and overwhelmed, I've been like, no brain stop. There's no time to be curious. Like we have, we have work to do, you know, and yeah. So again, I think for me, everything, everything is conversations. Just going to go back to like taking care of your life. You know, so that you can have the capacity to create and yeah, I think, or to be, yeah, create and be.
Yeah.
Tuxford Turner (32:49.294)
curious. And I think that when I lose that curiosity, it tends to be because I've over-bought and overwhelmed myself and I've, you know, over-promised and I've, focusing on all the wrong things. I'm not taking care of my life and I'm waking up every day and immediately putting on a podcast. Cause I'm like, I just need to go and do things and I need to my brain off and just do them, you know? And yeah, when I wake up and I like,
journal outside, like, tend to have better day. How crazy is that? Can you believe it? Right. But then also being patient with myself when that's just not where I'm at that day, you know, and, and, uh, not being like, blew it and I blew it forever. Anyway, I'm rambling. But yeah, it's all for me. It's all about taking care of my being, being really curious about how to live my best life, you know, how to live the life where I feel the most present.
Good, yeah.
Tuxford Turner (33:40.28)
And then I think good things are coming out of that and I'm feeling connected to my work and my curiosity and I'm giving myself a lot more permission than I have historically given myself.
Yeah, yeah. It's like interesting to clock that stuff. Yeah. Like the spirit of sort of like hyper productivity when it's coming from a place of like, am unwittingly trying to contribute to the machine versus like, know, you could argue that creativity is inherently productive. You're like making things, therefore you're sort of producing things. But I think there's something to be said about like, no, I am, I am making things to make them not because they are, they're resulting in a product.
So I think it's like the spirit of being present to that. And then yeah, starting your day. You know, I do morning pages every day and I try to brick my phone before I like end up looking at texts or emails or, you know, social media. I also think we might've talked about this a few weeks back around like solitude, like how much of my day has information outside information being injected into my mind, whether it's through music or a podcast or TikToks. Like it's sort of stunning that like,
There isn't much silence. It could be, know, within a day and like how to cultivate more silence rather than, okay, I got 30 minutes free during my lunch. All right. I'll put on a podcast and listen to that while I eat. I, it's like, there's so much saturation of like information and media we sort of consume without much thought sometimes.
Yeah. I think about the happiest time in my life a lot. Like when was I happiest? And it is almost universally when I was participating in or working at a summer camp in New Hampshire. And it was like, it was this place where, you know, phones were banned for kids, like all sorts of technology. You couldn't have it. You couldn't bring it in as a kid. And, uh, and you know, as an adult, you also weren't supposed to have it. Like, so you would, cause you don't want to be like, you can't have your phone. And then you're like texting, but it just sort of, you are.
Tuxford Turner (35:33.92)
incentivize or disincentivize or no, instead of there's no, yeah, you just are not supposed to have your phone out on kids and he's been there all day around kids. And so you don't have it. also like the internet is terrible. Cause it's like so far out in the, in like a valley hamster and, and, so you wake like you have, wake up in the morning and you're, or if you're like on a backpacking trip, you're like in the mountains, like you wake up in the morning and like, all you can do is like, look at the world around you and like be present and.
be in nature and, you know, we can get into the fact that like everyone should have access to these experiences and it's terrible that we've set up a world where like you can't, where you have to like have a cousin with many who can send you to these camps. in my case, shout out. Thank you. She's so amazing. But yeah. And it's been really helpful to sort of think back on that and there's, I think for a long time I've been like, well, that's just, you know, I'm not like, should I go move to New Hampshire? Like now, but.
I can cultivate this, I can cultivate this, this life here, you know, right. But a big part of it is like somehow getting out of that, like moral pool of noise. Like listening to a bird. Yeah. More time listening to one bird.
It's like I could download an app that plays Birdsong or I could walk outside and try and listen.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I've also been letting my phone die every night. Oh, nice. Yeah. And so I wake up in the morning and I turn over and I'm like, oh shoot, I can't even use it. You know, like it bricks itself. And I have a minimalist phone on as well. Oh, I turned my phone off for this so that I'm not... Oh, look at that. I've got a minimalist phone, which I really like, which has broken my Instagram addictions, I think, three times in my life now. Minimalist phone, slaps, not sponsored. Huge shout out. I love it.
Tuxford Turner (37:21.262)
Yeah, it's like, it's so nice just to look up, but it's also so hard. Like it physically hurts sometimes. Like I have to be quiet right now. don't know. Yeah.
Right. mean, yeah, I know your thoughts are like, sometimes my thoughts are just like, you're not, you're not doing enough. You're just sort of a, you're cruising buddy. You're just cruising and you know, you could be writing right now.
Yeah. What's really interesting is that my brain is so loud. It does that so loudly when I'm doing things that are actually healthy. Like when I'm taking time in the morning to just like journal and read and be outside and like be slow and wake up and scratch and stuff. that's my brain. It does that where it's like, you're not being productive. You're not doing enough.
Like, get it together, like, go, go sit at your desk and, you know, get to work or whatever. And, but it's like, that's not actually productive. But when I'm like in my little bed and I wake up in the morning and I roll over and I grab my phone immediately and my God, I somehow ended up on Instagram reels. Like, and that's been four hours on that. Like it's, it's so loud that like, there's this tiny voice in the back of my head that's like, Hey, stop.
You
Tuxford Turner (38:35.09)
But it's being so like silenced by this absolutely incredibly blaring loud sensory experience of my phone that it's like, it's so much easier to ignore it with those sorts of activities which are not productive, you know, in whatever way you wanted to find productivity. Whereas like not doing things is productive. Like being present is productive, but it's just, you don't have this thing that's like inserting
just like quieting your brain. What am I trying? What's it, what's it where you like anesthetize your brain? I don't know. Yeah. It's not just like injecting your brain with numbing stuff.
So yeah, numbing yourself.
Mishu Hilmy (39:16.482)
Yeah, it's just kind of bizarre to just think about like, yeah, let's just we collectively have been. Yeah, it's like the technology is doing what it's meant to do. It's making it's making the sort of shareholders of money and it's putting you in a sort of susceptible place to just want more of it because it's very satisfying. And then maybe you're like, whatever I got advertised like this seems interesting. Like it's doing it's doing its job versus like it's hard to be human. It's just
just a person, it's hard to be a person when it's like you're just thinking, thinking your normal thoughts versus the distracting thoughts, you know.
Yeah, absolutely. And like as a creative person, as a creator, it is, you almost have to participate in those worlds. Like I listened to a thing with John Marco Ceresi. I think that's his name. Sorry if I got that wrong. John Marco. He, he's like, I have young comedians ask me all the time, like, I want to do comedy. I'm good at it, but like, I don't want to participate. I don't want to do social media. He's like, well, sorry.
And like my manager all the time is like, yeah, well, what if you got more clips that you could put on? I'm like, no, totally. I hear you. I absolutely hear you. But trying to like build a relationship with my life so I can have a relationship with Instagram. Like it's taking time. You just have to trust me. But we are like, you do have to participate in these, these worlds that are not necessarily, not even not healthy, but just that you might not even want to interact with. I really struggle. I really struggle to upload things to Instagram.
It's jam.
Tuxford Turner (40:50.752)
or anywhere on the internet because it's like, don't want to have Instagram on my phone. You know, I don't want to be on it. And that so many times I've gone to like, I'll go and I'll just like blow this thing real quick. And then it's like six hours later and I'm like, I never even did the thing I wanted to do. It's like balancing that relationship is, also so difficult. And I'm sure there's, you know, sort of.
in line with historical creativity. You have to have like a wealthy sponsor back in the, you know, to be a painter in the 1700s, you know, that you might hate or you might disagree with like how they made their money or whatever. You know, you have to like be a television personality and they're going to advertise things that you don't necessarily want in your show, you know? And so like, I feel like that's just, it's just sort of like a forever push and pull of that. Which like, out Jack Conti, trying to make things to break that cycle.
Very cool. I love Patreon. That's awesome. Yeah. It's tough.
Well, it's like, I I select around a lot around like 100 to 200 years of platforms, right? So like what, what the historic platforms were maybe 200 years ago were a stage or a public square or publishing. Those were the platforms, know, and you were trying to do that. And then it evolved to say, you know, radio and then film and then TV. those, you know, radio, TV, film were probably the major platforms up until, you know, the proliferation of the internet.
and then social media. I think for people, maybe for folks who are on the cusp of what they grew up with and they were aware of like these more traditional platforms, I think it's harder to wrap one's head around where it's like, yeah, okay. Like that you're kind of old school. You you only want to make films that have theatrical distribution. Like that's kind of your thing. But now the platforms are, you know, so they're just like algorithmically driven and you can hit the slot machine and like really blow up. And I think.
Mishu Hilmy (42:45.154)
the sort of the moneyed class, the managerial class were like, well, use this platform to like grow your audience and really blow up rather than I actually not TikTok musicians being like, I got into music cause I love music and I'm socially awkward, but now I'm being told I need to do a good day in the life, get ready with me, BTS. So we're all becoming, you know, bloggers and vloggers. And, you know, that's not what drew you toward the craft, but I think there's a difference between the craft and, know,
platforming the craft or publishing the craft. And I think that's where it becomes a brutal conversation with yourself of like, well, what is enough? Because if it's enough for you to like make music and not make money, that's totally valid. But I think for folks who have the romance of, want to earn my living off of my creativity, that's like one very specific way to live. Cause like you can earn your money through your creativity. You can earn your money through a sponsor or patron. You can earn your money through a day job or you can earn your money through
you know, being financially independent through your family or inheritance, right? Those are kind of like the four main ways of making money. But I think artists tend to over romanticize and put a premium on, well, I want to make my money doing my creative shit. And that's very hard if you're not willing to, you know, be honest around the nature of a platform.
Yeah. Well, and everyone that we're modeling, feel like it comes to us fully formed. Right. And, you know, we see, we see their presence online and all the things they're making. And this was sort of my, my four AM conversation the other night was like, you know, it's so easy to get very hyper-focused on like, well, I need to do these things because, you know, I need to be publishing one thing a week or two things a week and releasing, you know, things twice a quarter or whatever. Like I need to be doing all these things. need to make this.
perfect list for I'm doing, you know, I'm hitting these goals and these deadlines and creating these deadlines for myself. And, and I do think that your creativity suffers and there's, uh, uh, I listen to script notes a lot. I like, I'm just like talking about all the other stuff. I listen to script notes a lot and something that they, a frustration they really have. And, know, they are definitely old, old, uh, it's Craig Mason and John August. The podcast, like they are definitely like, um, old media. Sorry. Like, yeah, I guess if we're, if we're calling.
Tuxford Turner (45:02.196)
The internet new media, guess. Yeah, they are like old media. Traditional media, should say creators, but they're like, there's they're like, we see from so many writers, this intense focus on marketing and being like, how do I market myself? How do I market myself? And they're like, don't like write your scripts, you know, right. Are you writing your scripts? Are you writing the best script that you can? Because if you're like, there are so many people that are going to make it big online because
because they're doing the like, I have advice for you thing every day. you know, they've, they're like doing reviews of photography equipment. don't know. That's one thing where I'm like, what if I did reviews of photography equipment? But like, that's fine.
But then you get good at doing reviews of photography equipment. That's what you become good at.
Exactly. Yeah. And if you're not, if you're like, I'm a writer, I'm a musician, I'm a comedian, and you're not doing, if you're so focused on playing the algorithm or marketing yourself, then yeah, you become like a social media marketer and not an artist. and, and I don't think that people tend to pop when, when they're not focused on making the best work that they can first.
And I think people really do pop when they develop that relationship with what they're making and then they can like put it out there and people react to it. then you actually get positive feedback on it and stuff. And I can think of a ton of examples of that, but, um, but yeah, when you're, when you just focus on your output and your marketing, like your, your work quality suffers and your, and yeah, and your marketing quality suffers too, you know, cause, cause you also hate your, you hate marketing and now all you're doing is marketing. so your life is terrible.
Mishu Hilmy (46:41.526)
Right. Yeah. It's also like your marketing, cause you have something to sell. Think, I think about that a lot, especially with like my production company where it's like, well, I'm not selling anything. Like I don't, I'm not offering services. I don't want to shoot commercials. So like, why, why am I exerting energy marketing? Like I have no vision with the podcast. I don't want to grow the platform, but I do think it's, it's not either or it's just, it's if you do both or all of it, it's just time and energy. like, like,
back to the process thing. Like if you love being present with creating marketing videos or sort of little clips and short form stuff, and you're really genuinely excited, that's great. It just takes away from time and energy from like writing. And I wish maybe one day I'll be able to figure out like Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I'm doing the writing and Tuesday and Thursday. I'm like doing little clips about the writing, I have yet to figure out a way to like be happy or present or enjoy any of that. Yeah.
Exactly. And also like, how can you make, how can you market something you haven't made? I get so focused on, how am going to sell this movie? How's it going to, like, am I going to do this vertical or horizontal? Because, because how do, what's going to reach most people or whatever. And like with podcasts, you know, I think it's really valuable to divorce yourself from prioritizing marketing of your podcast. Cause like what podcasts have you ever, very few podcasts, probably only by people who
already have made successful podcasts are big one they start. My, Hobbs, whatever. He'll always make a million dollars from whatever podcast he starts. I don't know. That's an inflated number probably, but, but he just seems to somehow like hit it every time. But, but he's been doing this a long time. And like, think most podcasts you come to most podcasts that are, I'm using podcasts for an example here, but like most podcasts you come to, you go to them and like, then you realize, my God, there's a whole, there's two seasons of this.
You know, and it's just because they've been really invested in making it the best they can that it's actually exciting, you know, and it's something you want to engage with. then, and then there's this whole big backlog and it's like, they didn't, they didn't start this podcast because they wanted to necessarily like be a successful podcaster. mean, I guess, I guess we all kind of do, but like they, that's maybe not true. I'm sure that I'm sure people want to be a successful podcaster. They didn't want to be a podcast marketer.
Tuxford Turner (49:00.972)
You know, I think the people who really succeed are the people who are like, how can I learn to make a quality thing first and enjoy it.
Yeah. Interesting, interesting world, interesting times. Cause you can also just like market yourself, right? Like even if you have nothing to sell, you're like, well, actually, no, I'm selling myself. I'm selling my vibe. I'm selling my vision. I'm selling my point of view. And that's, that's totally valid. And I think there's something savvy for people who can commit to it. And maybe that's my own hangup of like, I'm maybe too hung up on the, the artistry or the so-called integrity of like, no, I just want to focus on the process rather than being like, look.
It's a lot easier to knock on doors when you say I have consistently gotten 50 to 150,000 views on the clips I make and look at all this attention I can leverage. then people go, Oh, right. Yeah. You know how to capture attention and attention can get dollars. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's just a different, maybe, I don't want to say competitiveness, maybe a different curiosity that I, I think I might've tapped into something more personal rather than something more like.
exponential.
You're someone who has always like really been focused on like having a healthy relationship with, with what you're making and the Royal you. I feel like being around you has really helped me connect with that, know, and, and, and you always make great stuff because that's what you care about. And then people react to it positively. Like it does, it creates a good, a really lovely feedback loop as well. And, you're not optimizing for like, have to get 10, I have to get a hundred thousand.
Tuxford Turner (50:36.054)
likes on this within a day. Like you're like, no, I want to make a really good short film. That's like talking about something that I've been thinking about nonstop, know, and I want to make this thing that's based on art. I want to, know, and then I want to like have conversations with people about making art and like, want to like run incredible workshops at someone you should reach out to me. And, take that, take a little, take a little creative. Yeah. Those secret workshops. Yeah. And it.
secret workshops.
You are definitely someone I feel like who has sort of cut through all the nonsense in my life. like, knowing you has really helped me to frame what I wanted to do and how I want to do it in a much healthier way. And I'm like, man, if you really focus on investing in the creative process, you can make stuff as cool as me she's making.
Thank you. Thank you very much. So yeah, given how uncertain sort of the path is, creativity is, like how uncertain things are, how are you, how have you been staying motivated?
That's a great question. You know, it can be tough with the world because especially like creativity, my specific creativity is currently not very engaged. Well, that's not true because I'm talking about like gender stuff, my current creativity is not, I don't, don't have a platform right now that really engages with like the reality of art, the political reality of art experience. I really respect people who do, but.
Tuxford Turner (51:59.404)
I feel pretty at odds with that because I really do, I really care about what's going on. So that sometimes can really drag me down. or I feel like I'm not making anything of consequence. so it is hard to motivate when you feel like you're not making anything of consequence. But what I do know is that like, I do have things to say and like addicted to creativity. And I think I, if I learn to trust myself and take care of myself and like take the space I need to right now to be the strongest.
creative I can be now and in the future and to just learn to live my life in a way that is satisfying. I will have more capacity to do the kind of work that I really care about in the future. And I think a lot of creative people, especially people with brains like mine, feel like if I stop, I'm going to stop forever. And that's usually because we burn ourselves out. And so that happens. It's like I'm doing 10 things and if I drop all these balls at once, I'm going to stop juggling.
But, but that's not true. Like never in my life have I, you know, been like, yeah, I'm done. You know, I'm good. Like I don't need to keep trying things. I don't need to keep, you know, I'm, I'm like, no, I'm always going to want to like go out and, and I, I, I, I'm always going to be yearning. I don't need to stress about, about whether or not I'm going to be motivated to continue because I have always been. And I, I yearn for it so much and I, oh, I don't need to invest in that yearning.
Like, because it'll always, it'll always be there. So I think like for me staying motivated right now can be really tough. If you talk to me in February, I would have been like, I have no motivation. My life is falling apart. I can't do this. But, but I've always known like, I'm always going to want to do the things that I want to do. And so right now, if my, if my world and my life is telling me that I need to stop and focus on my life, I need to give myself permission to do that. Cause otherwise I will never be able.
to get back to doing the things that I'm yearning for. And I'll always be sort of behind my eyes in photos and videos. And I'll be making things where I'm like not present and I'll be at participating like improv shows. But afterwards, I don't want to talk to anyone because I feel like I failed or whatever. Or I'm exhausted or you know. yeah, so I think like my motivation right now is like just trusting myself. And that's pretty hard.
Tuxford Turner (54:25.592)
Cause it's hard to trust yourself, but that's, that's, that's what's keeping me going. Trusting myself, trying to process. I had a really good experience this year where my entire life fell apart. I was left overnight by a partner, which was really shocking and destabilizing. And, and I had no money. completely destroyed my finances trying to take care of someone and not taking care of myself. And, and I was, yeah, I was in a place where I was, I had nothing. Like it was an absolute rock bottom.
of my life and I was so stressed. And I was like, I'm going to have to leave LA. Like I, like, I don't know what I'm going to do. Like I'm going to have to move in with my family, but like I've recruited all this. So like, I'm to have to work a job with where my family is. So it's like, so that's not even good. I don't have the money to move with my, like, I was like, I have nothing. Like there's nowhere to go. I'm completely, I'm stuck and I'm screwed and everything's going to fall apart. And I had to, I had to trust, I had to be like, okay, I need to get a job and then I need to find a house. And that's.
All I can really focus on right now. And if there's other things happening, that's great. And I'm going to try and be as present in them while they're happening as possible. But like these are the two things I need to do. And I did not trust that they would happen. And at one point I took a job as a door-to-door vegetable salesperson selling organic produce door-to-door. Great company. I love the mission. I love what they're selling. Hey, door-to-door sales. I've learned it is as terrible as people.
Say that it is. I had a full breakdown at my job. And like I had a full breakdown, probably like my fourth day on the street, great training session. I was like, I got this. my God. Yeah, we're going to kill this. I'm making so much money. Like I can sell, I can sell this produce. It's the best produce I've ever tasted in whole life. Supporting small family farms. I'm pumped about this, you know? And then I got on the street and it's like day four. I probably knocked three doors and one of the doors was very enthusiastic.
They were like, oh my gosh, yeah. Oh, I've actually been looking for something like this. I'd be thrilled. Like, this is so wonderful. just, you know, my husband's on a call and I to make sure that we're, we both are making the decision together. And I was like, totally. they're like, come back in like 30 minutes and like, I'll, I'll, I'll definitely, I'll definitely, you know, sign up. I was like, great. Like it was a fully positive reaction. I walked away from that. I tried, I knocked two more doors and then I had.
Tuxford Turner (56:41.858)
Complete breakdown. was like, everyone was nice to me, but I went into my car and I was like, I need to go use the bathroom. Drove, just drove this Starbucks. It was our like home base that day. Used the bathroom and then drove, drove back and I tried to, I tried, I kept trying to get out of my car and I couldn't and I was just stuck in it. And like, I got a text from my ex and like, it was perfectly pleasant. It was like everything around me was like.
know, my ex was being pleasant, the people at the door were being pleasant, but like my body was reacting to all of it. Like it was the worst thing in the world. And I had a full breakdown in my car. I called my parents sobbing, being like, I can't do this. And this is my only opportunity to make money. Like I'm going to be destitute. You know, I'm going to be, I'm going to be absolutely destitute. And if I, if I leave this job, like I'm already not making enough from this, from the week that I've done this job to really get by, but I'm it's something, you know, and
And they keep being like, if you stick with it for three months, you'll get into the rhythm of it. And I kept trying to be really positive about it, but like, yeah, it just completely crumbled. And my parents were basically like, like, first of all, I'm very lucky to have supportive parents. They were like, you know, we'll figure it out. And if this is how you're reacting to this job, you probably shouldn't be doing it. But they're also like, you, can trust that like things will work out. And that's not always true. Sometimes that's false positivity, but like, but they were like, but really like you're safe.
Like we will take care of you. We'll figure it out somehow. And like, if you need to leave this job, you should, and you have to like, you have to trust that that's right decision right now. And I was like, okay. And I didn't really. And then the next like week, like on a random Tuesday, I got a message from someone I had reached out to on indeed months ago. And it was basically like show up at the Hollywood Palladium between 12 and 4 PM, for a bar chaining interview. was like,
Right. And I wouldn't have been able to do it if I was still working this vegetable job. Cause was during our peak vegetable sales hours. And, uh, and I was like, okay. And I went to this job and it was a huge cattle call with all of these bartenders, like a hundred bartenders. And they ended up hiring like 15 of us. I didn't think I'd get it. I almost didn't go. Cause I had another like onboarding for a much less lucrative job. I thought that this was just going to be another catering thing, you know, that I'd add to my bevy of catering things that I was balancing. And, um,
Tuxford Turner (58:56.714)
And I went and I had a lovely time and I tried to be as present as I could be and it went well, clearly. And I ended up getting hired and I was like, my God, a job. You know, and I didn't know if it was going to be like a job that would really support me. It ended up being because I trusted it and I, you know, didn't pick out an overbook myself. And then through that job, I met a couple, I met a couple people in my first two weeks there. And then as I was touring an apartment, that was like the only apartment I could afford in a house that would let me keep my cats.
As I was leaving, one of my coworkers pulled up on their motorcycle and was like, my God, are you doing this house? Like I live here. I know the landlord. I, would be great for you to live here. Like I would love for you to live here. And he ended up like reaching out to the landlord and like getting my application put through and my application is not great. Not great. Cause I again cratered my finances this year. And, and I ended up in this place, in this place, this attic room where like my life feels aligned. Yeah. And, and.
I think that always happens when you trust the process, you trust yourself. That doesn't happen when you're like grinding against yourself, allowing yourself to succumb to your unhealthy habits or whatever. But allowing a little bit, know, not punishing yourself for that. But you know what saying? Like it's not universal. I am coming from a place of privilege here. Every day I wake up and I wake up in a home that I can afford with roommates who are lovely.
that somehow I ended up in one of the houses in the massive city of LA that this person I met who I only met because I took a leap and trusted that I'd be okay and walked off my vegetable sales job, which I've never walked off a job before. It was only because I trusted that I ended up here. And I'm trying to remember that with everything. Or it's like, I can't craft this perfect existence.
just like take nothing and turn it into something and, you know, have the perfect one bedroom apartment where I can record all the videos that I want to. And I can have my cats and I can somehow afford it. And I have a job that pays me $200,000 a year. And I somehow I'm going to figure it out to clear my job is not that I was being as exaggerated. That's the dream, obviously, because that's the only way to afford a nice one bedroom apartment. But but yeah, like you can't I was like ripping against that. And when I was able to let go, I'd be like, I need to take care of myself.
Tuxford Turner (01:01:20.878)
I need to give myself breathing room and a realistic timeline and, and patience and be kind with myself when I'm not doing okay, because things are really hard right now. And I'm, I can trust that if I walk off this full sales job, like I can figure it out. Cause I've always figured it out no matter how sort of destitute I've been. And that's the only reason that I'm here.
I'm very grateful for you sharing it. It's kind of the beauty of trust, right? Like there's sort of a synchronicity that occurs in your life. It's kind of a beautiful thing, a beautiful improbability, right? Like you just met this coworker and nearly a few weeks later you end up, you know, in the same building. So that's like just a kind of a testament to it. So I'm to keep trying to take care of yourself the best you can and meet those needs. I might create that invisible web, the invisible network of synchronicity. But,
Yeah. Create, create the best work and create the best life for yourself. Like the rewards of it will come, but if you try and create the rewards, only frustration will come. Right. You that's what I'm
Yeah. What is it? A beautiful life is made by beautiful choices. Some, some, stoic nonsense there for you, but tux, this was so, so fun.
the
Tuxford Turner (01:02:34.001)
Thank you so much for inviting me. I would do this every week if you wanted to. I love an excuse to talk to you and I hope I didn't ramble too much.
All good. We'll make it get more consistent, but yeah, have a.
One day I want to ask you the questions. You got a lot to say.
Yes, yes.
Mishu Hilmy (01:02:58.35)
Before sending you off with a little creative prompt, I just wanted to say thank you for listening to Mischief and Mastery. If you enjoyed this show, please rate it and leave a review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. Your support does mean a lot. Until next time, keep taking care of yourself, your lightness, curiosity, and sense of play. And now for a little Mischief motivation. Okay, yes, another prompt for those who like to stick around and listen and hopefully try them out.
You know, if you find one that excites you, give it a shot. I think I'll do too. This one is a little reframing around not enough-ness. So at the end of the week, list, I don't know, five things you did creatively or about your relationships, big or small, and just reflect for a couple of minutes. Did you forget you even did some of them? How does thinking about them, reflecting on them shift your sense of not doing enough? So give that a shot. Just list a couple of things that you did over the week.
with creativity or with your relationships and reflect. And then another one is just a little enjoyment tracker, presence over pressure. Next time you sit down to make something, write, shoot, or brainstorm, et cetera, pause and rate your enjoyment from one to 10 while doing it or halfway through the process. If it's under a six, see if you can adjust one thing, whether it's the pace or the environment or the goal or the mindset to ideally bring back some presence, some ease, some joy. So there it is, two little prompts.
presence over pressure and reframing your sense of not enough and give them a shot. All right, have a good rest of your day and I'll see you next time.