Helping couples discover the why behind the what in their marriage with Chris and Beth Bruno and Tracy Johnson of ReStory Counseling.
00:00
Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab with Restory Counseling, where we help you explore the why behind the what. Because guess what? We believe that your marriage is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be explored and enjoyed. We believe that the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. This podcast is now the audio version of our new YouTube channel, Thrive Marriage Lab.
00:29
where each week you can expect us to help you cultivate connection and belonging without the fixing and tips and common things you often hear in the marriage space. So find us on YouTube or listen in.
00:46
Weeks ago, I had this couple come into my office and you could tell just by the way that they walked in that things were not well in their marriage. He was walking in with a scowl on his face. She was walking in clearly with her makeup like smeared on her face and she'd been crying and it was looking like it was going to be like one of those marriage sessions. They came in my office. They sat down on the couch.
01:12
He faced one way with his arms crossed like this, and she faced another way, grabbing the Kleenex box. They were like literally facing opposite directions on the couch, and they said nothing. They said nothing. They said nothing to me. They said nothing to each other. And there it was basically like, so how can I be of help today? You guys, when it comes to marriage counseling and marriages, people most of the time come in with a sense that
01:41
communication is their primary problem. That there's something wrong with how they are communicating this. She's not understanding what he thinks and he's not understanding what she thinks and they're not kind of communicating together. Well, the fact is that communication is really just a symptom of a deeper problem. And that's what I want to talk about today. Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab. My name is Chris Bruno and I'm a licensed professional counselor and the founder of Restore Counseling.
02:10
And together with my wife, Beth, and our colleague, Tracy Johnson, we post videos to help couples know the why behind the what. Because when you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. So when it comes to communication, like I said, people are often thinking like, it's just, you don't get me. You don't understand what I'm trying to say. They think it's an understanding problem. The fact is, it's not a mental problem, really.
02:40
It's more of an emotional problem. You see, even the word communication is based off the same structure, the same word as community and commune. It means that there's something about togetherness, communing together. It has less about the sharing of information, the passing of data from one mind to another mind, and it has far more to do with the presence of being with the other person, being.
03:07
commune in community with them and presenting yourself to one another yourselves to one another That's what communication ultimately is about and so when people just think it's like this mental thing that he's not getting me or she's not getting me That that's not the the the place where communication breaks down. It is actually something deeper So if you do marriage work with any of us for any amount of time You're gonna hear this phrase and that is the issue on the table
03:36
Is that actually the issue on the table? And what we mean by that is that when couples are in conflict or they're having a hard time communicating or being in community together with one another, it's not actually about the thing you're talking about. It's about something deeper. It's about something else. So when a couple is fighting about the budget or they're talking about something with the dog or something with your mother-in-law, the issue is not actually the dog. That's not the issue.
04:06
The issue is a deeper story, something else that is underlying it. It's more about what is the breakup of the community than the breakup of the data transfer. It's what's creating distance between you and me. It is something has come up that doesn't actually have to do with the dog or the mother-in-law, and I don't even wanna put those two words in the same sentence. I don't mean they actually go together, but.
04:33
You know, you get what I'm saying. It's not about the budget. It's not about the children. It's not about the car. It's not about, you know, what you're eating for dinner. That's not the actual issue. The issue is how I feel in response to being in community with you, or that I don't feel like I'm in community with you. There's something separating us. And most of the time, you guys, that has to do with something far deeper inside of our lives and our stories. Here at Thrive Marriage Lab.
05:01
we talk about story all the time. Now story is, you know, we think about fairy tales or you might think about, you know, the show that you're binging on Netflix or, you know, whatever those stories are that are kind of epically filling our minds and our hearts. Well, that is story for sure. But your story as an individual is all of the moments that have compiled over years to make you who you are today.
05:31
It's all those experiences you've had and the relationships that you've had over time. And that builds up. It's almost like, think about a book, right? That the story of a book is the compilation of all the words that have been put on to, into sentences and put into paragraphs and then put onto pages. That's the story. And it's the same for us as humans. That our story is every moment, every word that was ever said, every experience.
06:00
that we ever had across time, that ultimately is what makes up our story. And the reality is that the most shaping portions of our stories are in the times of our lives when we are the youngest, when we are the most impressionable and we're the most naive or we're trying to figure out what is this big world that we were born into. And that story is formed primarily in our family of origin.
06:28
It gets formed by our earliest experiences of connection and relationships and, and being tended to and comforted and cared or not comforted and cared. So that's where our story actually comes from. Now fast forward to your marriage. You bring those stories, you bring that person into your marriage. You're not just a functioning adult. You're actually
06:56
all the moments, all the words, all the experiences you have ever lived beforehand, you bring that into your marriage relationship. And so when your spouse says something or does something or you feel something in response that's coming out of your story, it's coming out of something that is far earlier than even when you got married, right? It happened when you were three, five, six, seven, ten years old and now you're still
07:25
reacting and responding out of those places. So when it comes to communication, like I said, it is not about the data transfer. It is about the stories that are showing up between the two of you and how you are navigating and experiencing one another based out of the lenses of your story. So you might hear your spouse talk about the dog and it's not really about the dog, it's about
07:54
how they are talking about it, it's how they are responding to you, it's how they are kind of making you feel or you are feeling in response to them, that is where community, communication breaks down. It is actually, if we talk about it, there's the what, but there's always a why behind the what. There is always a story deeper still. And so for you to actually do some work in the realm of marital communication, yes, you can.
08:23
do some good tips and techniques that people in marriage counseling talk about all the time, like active listening and, and, you know, repeating back what you heard the other person say. Those are all great kinds of exercises, but the reality is the more that you explore your story and the more that you know your spouse's story, the better your community, your communing, your communication will be. Because when
08:51
All the things come up that we're always trying to navigate in our marriages come up, like I said, from finances to sex to what you're gonna do for vacation next. Those are all issues that come onto the table, but you have to address the actual issue on the table. How you feel, how you respond, how you are in the navigation of relationship with one another. That is far more important to explore than actually figuring how
09:20
figuring out how to talk about the thing. If you figure out how to talk about the dog, you're only gonna figure out that one thing, but if you actually get to the why behind the what, you get to the understanding of what stories kind of populate your heart and your mind, subconsciously, most of the time, these things are active in your engagement with your spouse. So here in this series of videos, I wanna talk about
09:47
communication and especially where communication breaks down as a result of the deeper story, as a result of the why behind the what, because as I said, the issue on the table is not actually the issue on the table. The thing that you actually need to talk about is what is going on on a completely other level, a completely different and deeper emotional and relational level than, than the actual issue that you might think it is. So stay tuned for a few more videos.
10:17
I hope that's helpful and I hope you understand that there is far more to you than you realize.
10:29
If you like this, there's more where that came from. Go to Thrive Marriage Lab on YouTube to check out all of the marriage resources we have for you. We are so committed to helping you develop a deeper and more connected relationship that we have created 12 free.
10:45
curated date guides to walk you through one year of good dates that we believe take you beyond your average date night to the kind of connection you really want. So head over to Restory.life/thrive-dates or just look in the show notes to subscribe to get those for free in your inbox for one year. And if you're curious about us, you can find us over at Restory.life.
11:11
where we look forward to hearing about how your marriage continues to grow. See you same time, same place next week.