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For over 25 years Proverbs 31 Ministries' mission has been to intersect God's Word in the real, hard places we all struggle with. That's why we started this podcast. Every episode will feature a variety of teachings from president Lysa TerKeurst, staff members or friends of the ministry who can teach you something valuable from their vantage point. We hope that regardless of your age, background or stage of life, it's something you look forward to listening to each month!
Meredith:
Hello, friends. Thanks for tuning into The Proverbs 31 Ministries Podcast, where we share biblical Truth for any girl in any season. I'm your host, Meredith Brock, and I am here with my co-host, Kaley Olson.
Kaley:
Hey, Meredith, I'm glad that you're back here in the studio.
Meredith:
I know.
Kaley:
It's been a hot minute.
Meredith:
It has been a hot minute, but we are back and in full force today. And I'm so excited about today's episode. We're going to hear from our friend and fellow Proverbs 31 ministry staff member Taylor Stewart, who is just a delight.
Kaley:
Truly delightful.
Meredith:
She is like a piece of candy, just great. Just great anytime of day. She's awesome. But Taylor is going to talk to us today about the power of living authentically versus perfectly. And what we as Christians can do to love and serve other Christians but also the world better. It's amazing. I'm just going to stop right there.
It's good stuff. There may have been a moment that I shared about me yelling at my children. You know what? It's living authentically and trying to get better. But one of the things that I really love about our podcast is not only are we serving up biblical teaching you can apply to your life today, but we really do work hard to give you a free resource with almost every single episode that you can download to put into practice whatever you hear on this podcast.
So today's resource is free pages from our study guide on the book of James. It is titled Am I Doing This Right? How To Live Out Your Faith Through the Wisdom Found in James. As believers, we do bear the burden and responsibility, a privilege of being a witness to the world, of what it looks like to live a life of faith. But, man, sometimes we really, really overcomplicate what that means and insert our own definitions. I know I do.
So with these free study guide pages, you'll learn more about the author James, why he wrote the book, what true biblical wisdom is. That is so important to understand. And you'll get three days of study questions to dig deeper into the content. So great resource ... highly, highly, highly encourage you to check it out.
Kaley:
Yeah, I agree. And like Meredith said, we work really hard to give you free things through the podcast. And so there's no reason that you can't go download these today, because there's nothing holding you back except an email address.
Meredith:
That's right.
Kaley:
That's it. And then you can go get into God's Word after you listen to today's episode. But speaking of today's episode ... Let's go tune in.
Meredith:
All right, friends, we've got a new teacher here. And, Kaley, I know her well because she's on staff here at Proverbs 31. So I'm just thrilled we finally get to introduce her to our podcast friends. Let's welcome Taylor Stuart.
Taylor Stuart:
Hey.
Kaley:
Hey, Taylor.
Taylor Stuart:
I'm so excited to be here.
Kaley:
So excited ... Taylor Stuart, not to be confused with Taylor Swift.
Taylor Stuart:
No, definitely not.
Kaley:
Although you both have blonde, curly hair. You're both very fashionable.
Taylor Stuart:
Oh, thank you.
Kaley:
You love animals.
Taylor Stuart:
Love animals.
Kaley:
You can sing.
Taylor Stuart:
No, I cannot. No, I cannot. That is the end of my list of talents.
Kaley:
Anyways, well Taylor, it's always so fun, like Meredith said, when someone from the inside of Proverbs gets to be on the show. Because we're all family here, and you're actually in the studio with us, which is great. But, Taylor, I would love to tell everybody a little bit more about you. You've been on staff for a little bit over a year now, and you work on our marketing team, catching all the details and planning all the meetings. And helping us execute all the things that you guys see on social media and get in your emails about everything that's happening here, which is amazing.
You're married to Levi. You love dogs, specifically golden retrievers.
Taylor Stuart:
Specifically.
Kaley:
That's great. And you're currently having a lot of fun on your Instagram account, making the reels and sharing a bit of what God's been teaching you. And that's been so fun to watch. But before we get into our teaching, since you're new here and since we're all friends, I'm going to ask you one of my favorite questions to ask people right now. And you can answer it in any way you want to.
Taylor Stuart:
All right.
Kaley:
And there's no wrong answer. What are you currently really into?
Taylor Stuart:
What am I currently really into?
Kaley:
Yes.
Taylor Stuart:
Oh, gosh. I am really into fiction novels right now.
Kaley:
OK.
Taylor Stuart:
Yes, I have been on the nonfiction novel train for a while, but my friend was like, "You just need to read a good story. Go back to one of the first stories you read even when you were as a kid, and it'll help spark that creativity." And it has been ... I've been reading like crazy. And it makes me even read nonfiction novels.
Kaley:
Did you go back to a book that you read as a kid?
Taylor Stuart:
I did.
Kaley:
And was it Twilight?
Taylor Stuart:
I will never tell.
Meredith:
Oh boy.
Taylor Stuart:
Oh no.
Meredith:
Boy, oh boy. Well, you know what they say: Good writers are good readers.
Taylor Stuart:
It's true.
Meredith:
And if you go to my kids' school, they say readers are leaders. So proud of you.
Kaley:
[Inaudible] a great writer and a great leader.
Yes, you can be a great writer and leader if you read. So I love a good fiction novel to just take my mind off things a little bit, so I applaud you for that. But, Taylor, I'm really looking forward to your teaching today. So we want to just hand over the podcast to you. Why don't you take it away?
Taylor Stuart:
All right. OK. Well, I wanted to open us up by sharing about my meltdown in the skin care aisle at Target.
Kaley:
I've been there.
Taylor Stuart:
Yes, yes. So I never realized exactly how seriously women took their skin care routine until a few years ago. So I'm still new to the whole under-eye patches, serums, those very beautiful red-light face masks that people wear. So this might give some women the ick, but I used to be a very dedicated makeup sleeper.
Yes, that makes a lot of cringe whenever I say that. I honestly still sometimes find myself falling asleep in my makeup, but we won't go there.
So anyways, a few years ago, I decided I am going to be a skin care girl. I'm going to figure out why everyone's telling me to put sunscreen on my face every single day, even if I don't go outside or if it's raining. So naturally, I went to the keeper of all answers, Target. I made my way to the skin care aisle. I'm staring up at all the beautifully branded products that are telling me they're going to make me age backward, reduce redness, [and] make me glow. And I am just so overwhelmed by all the options that I start to fall apart a little bit.
I start looking up different articles and social media posts of just like, OK, what am I supposed to do here? And I met with 10-step different morning and night routines. So then I get in my head a little bit and I say, Wait a minute. I'm supposed to have morning and night skin care routine, shave my whole body regularly, workout, eat healthy, work full time, be a wife, and floss every day! And for you guys and a lot of our friends listening, add kids to that mix.
So I start getting skeptical, and I look at the women beside me on the aisle, and I'm like, They are a part of a secret society where they have discovered how to add hours to their day and money to their bank accounts. I had half the mind to ask them if I could join, but I didn't.
So as I stood there having a staring contest with a pretty, pink bottle of moisturizer, I just felt like I was going to cry. So I put the bottle back on the shelf, and I ran out to my car to call my husband. The first words that came out of my mouth were, "I can't do this. Everything is too expensive. None of it makes sense. The things that aren't expensive cause diseases. I don't have time to do all the things that women apparently do. Am I just not good at life or adulting?"
Now, I know this sounds a little dramatic and maybe a bit childish, and so my husband responded, "Babe, what is actually wrong here?" You see, I've never felt like the girl who has it all together. And I know a lot of women don't really feel that way, but this goes back to a much deeper insecurity of just me feeling like I just don't know how to woman right.
Every slumber party growing up, where the women were braiding each other's hairs or painting each other's nails, I didn't know how to do those things. I'd just panic. In fact, I went on a trip a few weeks ago — or not a few weeks ago, it was a few months ago — with my girlfriends, and all of them had their cute little matching pajamas and cute little makeup caddies. And I was straight potatoing it in my unmatching sweatshirt sweatpants combo, and I had a very, very adorable Ziploc bag holding all of my toiletries.
So in that moment, I just immediately went back to that girl that was insecure at all of the slumber parties. So I spent most of my adolescent years feeling like the girl who never had it together. I was determined to be the girl who at least looked like she had it together. So for the last 10 years, I've worked in vocational ministry, and it has been awesome. I've gotten to care and encourage people, and that has just been my life.
But I told myself I was going to be the girl that had it together. Nobody would outwork me. Nobody would outdo me in any of the things; I was going to push forward. I was going to be the girl with the answers. I would be the girl that had it together. Now, the danger that I found with this mindset is that my job was to care for and encourage people. I was doing what I thought God had called me to do, yet every day I was completely depleted.
On the outside, I was the girl who had it all together. But if you went home with me, you could see that my car is a disaster, my room was a disaster, and the idea of “self-care” sounded like a foreign concept to me. One day I got a phone call from a close friend, and she said, "Taylor, you work so hard every day to just look like you have it all together. You make sure everyone is encouraged and taken care of, but you never show anyone how you are cared for, how to care for you. You never let anyone see you fall apart. Is there anyone who truly gets to know you?"
Her words felt like a swift kick in the gut that I know I needed, but I didn't know how to respond to in the moment. That last question really got me, and it just kept ringing over and over again in my ears. Is there anyone who truly gets to know you? This question affected me because I felt like I didn't even know me. I didn't know who I was or where I was going. I would come home to that messy room and look at myself in the mirror and not recognize the face staring back at me.
I was the girl who pretended to have it all together. I never tried to get to know that awkward girl who didn't know how to braid hair or paint nails at the slumber parties. And I want to know: Have either of you, or maybe even any of our friends listening to this, ever felt this way? You feel as if, if you slow down for a moment, you'll let others down. You'll fail, or something terrible will happen because you let go of control for just a second. You worry that if people see how broken and messy you are, they will think you don't know how to do anything right. You have worked so hard to hold it all together on the outside that you have lost touch with who you are.
Well, I want to talk about this today, about figuring out how to get out of this performance mindset and about how to better remember who we are. I'll be teaching from a few different scriptures in James today. For those of you who don't know, James was the half brother of Jesus. This book reads pretty similarly to Proverbs as it helps showcase different principles for the Christian life.
One of the main principles James talks about is that we have to be active in our faith. It's not enough to just believe words but to live out these words. I chose James because in this particular season of my life that I've been sharing with you, I was reading these scriptures very, very wrong. And God has shown me so much about myself through these words. In James 1:23-24, it says, "If anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like someone looking at his own face in a mirror. For he looks at himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of person he was" (CSB).
And then in James 2:14, the Bible says, "What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but does not have works? Can such faith save him?" (CSB). When I read this during my “have it all together season,” I thought I was James' poster child. I had the works. I was a doer. I was servant-hearted. I thought I was doing everything right by working as hard as I was. I thought this is what God told me to do to be successful, to be the girl who has it all together.
I realized pretty quickly that I was the one who would look at myself for a moment and then quickly go away and forget who I was. The next scripture in James that I'm going to read to you guys is going to reveal that girl in the mirror a little bit. It says in James 3:13-18, it says, "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such ‘wisdom’ does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness" (NIV).
The part where it says, "Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom" (James 3:13b, NIV), is what I really want to touch on in this moment. I was really good at crafting wise and spiritually encouraging words for women and people I minister to. I was even good at looking like I was fine and nothing ever bothered me. I was not good at showing them faith in action. I was good at telling people they needed to rest and trust God and not be afraid to care for themselves, but I was not good at living my life that way.
I was not living my life according to God's Word. I was living my life [according] to how I viewed success. When James says, "But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such ‘wisdom’ does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice" (James 3:14-16, NIV) ...
Now, I will say, I don't think not having a skin care routine means that I was practicing evil. But if I was to look at my life in that season, I would label it as complete disorder. I mentioned how messy my room was, but more than that, I didn't give time for friends or family. I was living my life in isolation and exhaustion. I was pouring out the verbal words of God, but I was not living them. I was saying, "I believe God holds everything together," but my life and actions spoke otherwise.
Now, let me be clear here. There is nothing wrong with working hard and pursuing the things that God is calling you to. But when work and ambition and success become your god, you are not operating in His will. It is so easy to read James and think you are doing enough. It's so easy to compare ourselves to other women on social media or at Target and feel like we are not doing enough.
But when James says be a doer and have works of faith rather than just words of faith, he's not telling us to be women who have it all together. He is saying we have to actively participate in our relationship with Jesus. And that happens by acknowledging that He knows us, chooses us and saves us from having to have it all together. OK, so how do we do this? Because preferably, we still floss every day and wash our face and take care of our kids. But my favorite story in the Bible is the story about the woman with the issue of blood. This is found in Mark 5:25-34 and Luke 8:40-48. If you haven't read the story, please go read it. It is my favorite story in the Bible.
This woman spent over a decade trying to hide her issues. She worked fervently to hide the thing she was carrying and to hold it all together. She felt gross. She felt abandoned. She felt unlovable. But what she did was a great act of faith, the greatest work of faith. She reached. She told herself if she could just touch Jesus, she would be healed. She believed it in her heart, and she reached out to touch Him and was instantly made well.
And when Jesus saw her, He didn't call her gross. He didn't ask her why she was successful. He reminded her of who she was. He called her “daughter.” She didn't meet Jesus in the temple with a fresh face, perfect body and phenomenal work ethic. She met Him in a place where she was at the end of herself, and her faith was shown in her reach. This is what I truly believe James is describing. Being a doer of the Word is not being a performer of the Word. Living out our faith isn't showing how impressive we can be. Being a doer of the Word with works of faith is coming to the end of ourselves and reaching for Jesus anyway.
It's living our life knowing we can't do it without Him. It's participating in the relationship. Hear me: Being a reader of God's Word is a good thing. Being a sharer of God's Word to others is a good thing. Being a servant and caring for others is a good thing. But we have to learn that we do not hold everything together. God does. If we live our lives trying to pretend to be everything and do everything, we are going to lose sight of who we are. We have to be willing to stand in a crowd and reach out to Jesus by faith when we feel like the world is against us.
Imagine if she had hidden herself that day from Him. I think about this a lot. I think a lot more people got healed that day from just watching her live out her faith. I know this is easier said than done. I know someone listening to this right now is feeling depleted and isolated, but maybe you weren't trying to hold it together to appear successful. Maybe you were holding it all together because you feel like you can't afford to fall apart. Maybe you were hiding more than just your ignorance of skin care or a messy car. Maybe revealing your hidden things would cost you something.
When you read of the woman with the issue of blood, after she touched Jesus, the Bible says Jesus asked his disciples, "Who touched me?" (Luke 8:45, NIV). When I first read this part, I thought Jesus was maybe angry with her. But the disciples said, "Jesus, you are walking in a crowd. Lots of people have touched you."
Jesus healed so many people. He honestly could have just kept walking, but He wanted to talk to this woman. And when He found her, He called her “daughter.” This is the only woman in the Bible He calls daughter. Her faith healed her body, but His words healed her soul. She was given a title that was no longer the woman with the issue. She was given the title “daughter.” She was reminded of who and whose she was. God wants to meet you in the mud. God wants to meet you in your issues. He wants to meet you in all the things you hide from everyone. And He wants to do so much more than just take the issue away. He wants to give you a new name. Not the woman who has it all together, not the woman with the issue, [but] his daughter.
Kaley:
Wow. Taylor, I'm feverishly writing notes, because I think you were making some connections for me in Scripture that I've never really thought about. And so I wrote down, and I'd love your response to this. I'd love for us to just dialogue a little bit about this, but will you read that scripture for us again where it's deeds done in humility. Can you read that section? I'm sorry, I'm really putting you on the spot. I think it was maybe James 3.
Taylor Stuart:
Yeah. Do you want me to read the whole thing?
Kaley:
Yeah, can you read that scripture for me again?
Taylor Stuart:
Yeah. It says, "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom" (James 3:13, NIV).
Meredith:
[Inaudible] pause there.
Taylor Stuart:
OK.
Meredith:
So as you were talking, and I was just absorbing everything that you were saying from you went into this season of trying to have it all together, which all of us do. Oh my gosh. And we come in and out of those seasons as well. I think it's just normal. I think our heart condition wants to look like we have it all together. I think that's just part of our flesh.
But I loved the beginning of that scripture, where it said, “deeds done in the humility.” And so I was reflecting on that, and I was like, you know what? When our heart condition is right, going back to that other scripture, which I think you referenced, maybe James 1:22 and 2:14. Where you look in the mirror, and you walk away and you forget what you saw. But maybe, I don't know, I'd love some of our resident theologians or you guys to even reflect on this: When you have the heart condition of humility, it means you've looked in the mirror and you actually see you for who you are.
You're humble, and you don't forget when you walk away. So then the deeds that you perform are done in an authentic way because it's coming from a heart condition that's founded in, you know what, God, I can't do this without You. Otherwise it's me doing it and not You through me. I know my heart is dark. I know my heart is sinful, and I need You desperately.
And so like you said, Taylor, there's nothing wrong with working hard. There's nothing wrong with ... shoot, girl, if you are able to floss those teeth, do the whole skin care, get after it. If you're able to do that from a heart of not selfish ambition, not straining to prove something to the world, but because you have the capacity to do all of that. Yes, ma'am, high-five you all day long. We love that.
But if it's coming from a place of, I'm trying to prove to the world that I have it all together, that's where we get all backward. Because we really are, and you said it so well, Taylor, you said work, ambition, success becomes your god rather than working from that place of humility.
And I was just sitting here reflecting on that for myself, and I've certainly gone through those seasons of I put ... work was my god, and for multiple reasons, we could go into a whole array of reasons why I've made work my god. Or appearances of being great my god, all of that stuff. But what's really interesting that you paralleled in Scripture was that woman who had the issue of blood. And she had an issue she couldn't hide, you guys. I don't know if you've gone through those seasons. I know I have, where there's the seasons where I could hold it all together because it was kind of within my capacity, where I was like, oh yeah, I am a high-capacity person. I can do a lot of things and make it look like I have it all together.
And then there were seasons like this woman who was wrestling with the issue of blood. She couldn't hide that, you guys. She had no choice but to say, "I'm desperate. I'm desperate for the touch of God." And so many of us, and I wonder if our listeners today are like, "Yeah, I'm in a season where I can hide it pretty good. I can hide it pretty good." And then there are others who are like, "I am at my wit’s end. I can't hide it anymore, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of reaching out."
And so, Taylor, Kaley, I'd love to hear from both of you. What has that looked like for you, those seasons of desperation? That you knew you were at your tipping point. You could no longer hide it. You couldn't pretend like you had it together. What did it look like to reach out to Jesus in those moments practically and internally for you? What was some of that dialogue you were working through?
Kaley:
Do you want to go first?
Taylor Stuart:
Sure. Well, kind of similarly, I shared the phone call from a friend. And in that moment, I felt like I'd been caught. All the things that I was hiding were now being revealed. And I think in those moments, you get this imposter syndrome; you think you're doing such a good job of covering everything up. I am learning as I get older I am not so great at covering everything up. And whenever it comes time that I need to just fall on my face before Jesus, it typically comes in the form of that phone call. Or even conversations with my husband of like, "You're not good."
It comes from those close friends who reach out because they notice something. And I think it is so important. If you notice something in someone close to you being off to say something, to call that out and to encourage that conversation between them and Jesus. I think I got to those places a lot quicker because of those people who cared about me.
Kaley:
Yeah, that's really good. I think for me, just realizing prayer and conversation with God is not formal. And formalizing that is in a way sort of hiding, because you think about church. Prayer is formal in church; there is a time designated for prayer in those church services. But realizing it's an in-the-moment thing. When I'm feeling it, I let it out. And I think the more comfortable I've gotten with being vulnerable with God and being informal and not dishonoring Him but just authentically saying what is on my mind and what I'm processing and speaking that out loud helps.
I think practically with my husband or with my friends, especially in a season where I don't have it all together, is being honest about what I'm going through but then asking for realistic help. Or coming to them and saying, "This is what I can realistically give you in this season." Because I think whenever you're hiding, you have this thought, like I need to keep showing up. And being who I am or whatever, but I can't go to girls' night and have fun because I'm not in that season right now. Can we potato it on the couch and watch Princess Diaries and just eat popcorn or something like that? And let me vent.
Or can I just call you? And I'm in a season right now where I just need to do some processing? Would you be OK with just being an ear for a little while? But I think when you just spring that on somebody, it can be a lot. But whenever you tell a friend what you need and she can be there for you in that season, it brings a level of personal comfort to know I've got this person that I'm walking through [inaudible]. Like with foster care and you have a really dear friend who's also in foster care.
She's that person for you who you can just be real with, and she knows to expect that from you. But I think as friends, it's an honor to walk shoulder to shoulder with people who are willing to be vulnerable and not perfect and have it all together. And it's a high calling we have as believers.
Meredith:
And I think it's such a vulnerable thing to say to somebody, "Hey, I don't know if you're OK." That takes bravery, y’all. Reflecting on the last couple years and the wildness of going into my 40s and having three kids and all the places that I'm at in this season of life. And it wasn't long ago that my husband said to me ... he looked at me, and he was like, "I don't think you're OK." And he was like, "You've just lost your spark. You're short with the kids."
And I had to, one, I'm combative by nature, so I want to be like, "Well, what do you know?"
Kaley:
Put your fists down, Meredith.
Meredith:
But I committed to being like, you know what? I am going to spend some time thinking about that. And taking an inventory of my life and my heart. And when I did, I was like, yeah, I'm not OK. I've gone. I've pushed beyond my capacity. And I want to say something really important that I'm learning as a 42-year-old [inaudible].
That's not bad guys. It's not bad to push beyond your capacity. What's bad is when you pretend like you're not. And when you pretend like you're OK. When you push beyond your capacity, man, that's when our God gets to show up in ways it's no longer you doing it but Him, and that is so beautiful. And that may mean He is leading you into a season of pruning, of like, oh, I overreached here. I overcommitted, and now I need to, in humility, go back to some commitments that I made and step back.
Or it may be Him saying, Nope, you fulfill all of them. I told you. I led you right here so I could show you that I'm going to show up for you. And that I'm going to do it, not you. And it's not all about you.
And it brings you back to that place of humility, not selfish ambition. Selfish ambition looks like, I can do it. Look at me go. But humility is, God, I need You desperately, and I don't want to do anything without You. So very thought-provoking, Taylor. What are you thinking over there, Kaley?
Kaley:
Oh, well, I'm thinking it's too good. First of all, I have to say the conversation we just had about truly being vulnerable speaks to why I think so many people are turned off by Christianity and the thought of following Christ. It's because too many people are walking around like we're Instagram perfect.
Taylor Stuart:
And shine my halo.
Kaley:
In order for more people to be attracted to the love and forgiveness that can be found only in Jesus, we have to show how much we need forgiveness of ourselves. But I was thinking of just the perfectionist mentality we all have. No matter even if you don't really, really say you struggle with it, at the end of the day, the Bible is a hefty book to follow. Outside of finding your identity in Christ and being saved by Him is one thing, but then there is what the book of James says. It's like, go out and be active in your faith. Do this; model this.
And, Meredith, I had a question for you, because I think that there are a lot of parents listening to this. And I'm finding myself early in this season being like, oh gosh, this is weighty. I'm about to be raising two boys here with high callings. And I think parents will look at a book of the Bible like James and think, Oh gosh, I have to model this to my kids. And I'm not perfect, and I have to show them what living in Christ looks like.
And my tendency has been, OK, well, I can be imperfect and vulnerable to my friends, but I’ve got to get this right. I have to get it right, because he's got to learn in the home. Because if he's not learning in the home, he's going to learn from somebody else. And it's going to be wrong, and I don't want it to be wrong. And my family being rooted in Christ and seeing Jesus, it's such a weighty thing for me to feel as a parent.
And so I would love for you, being seasoned as you are, all 12 years of your experience, but you've got more experience with kids who see you in your daily life. Can you talk to us about some high and low moments for you as a parent in modeling Christ to your kids and what it says in James?
Meredith:
Well, I, with much trembling, answer any question about parenting because I really am only ... my oldest is 12; he'll be 13 in August. I have a 9-year-old, and I have a 4-year-old.
Kaley:
But you're in a season where people are asking a lot of questions. Your little people.
Meredith:
Y’all, having a middle schooler is like, oh my gosh. Because they are repeating back to me. And not just repeating in words, showing me what I have invested into him.
Kaley:
Oh boy.
Meredith:
And so it really is like, oh boy is right. I would say, we could go into all kinds of examples of low, terrible moments, but I will summarize what I am currently learning about this in trying to invest in our children in meaningful ways in their relationship with Christ. That's all that matters, guys. If my three beautiful children leave the home and have not quite figured out how to fill-in-the-blank: properly brush their teeth, one day a dentist will intervene and will help my children learn how to properly do that.
If they have not learned how to properly pick up their towels off the bathroom floor, I'm so sorry for their spouses, but that will become an argument for them. But if they leave my home and don't know the love and faithfulness of Jesus and the reliability of His Word, I have failed. And so sometimes that looks less like rules in my house and more like conversation. And more like I'm sorrys. And so let me unpack that a little bit more.
There's a whole study around the idea, and Lysa TerKeurst talks about this a little bit in her upcoming book that's coming out this fall. I won't say anymore. But we have dialogued a lot about this based on ... I have my master's in counseling and some other research that I have been doing around attachment and helping children who come from hard places properly attach. And that is this idea of rips and repairs, where no matter what you guys do, you will have a rip in any one of your relationships. Between you and your child, between you and your spouse.
And what happens in that rip is you can either come back. One, you can ignore it; the rip stays there. And it stays there, and it slowly becomes a separation between you and that other person. Or you can come back and repair the rip. When you repair the rip, and this is going to come full circle back to humility. When you repair the rip with a child, man, y’all, that is some of the most-rich soil for talking about Jesus.
So y’all, do ... you better believe, OK ... this morning is a perfect example. Trying to get all three children in the car. I have an early morning meeting. I'm trying to get dressed so that we can go. I'm trying to get all of them dressed, whatever. I get the two youngest in the car. The oldest is taking his jolly time getting in the car. I'm watching the clock. My husband had texted me a little bit before that. He was like, "Hey, babe, traffic's really bad. You're going to want to leave early today, or you're not going to get the kids to school on time."
So I'm like ... internally, the temperature is rising. My oldest, I don't know what he's doing. I have no idea what he's doing inside, but I have told him multiple times, "Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy." Finally, I get out of the car, and I'm mad. I slammed the car door this morning. I went inside, yelled inside, "Harvey, come downstairs. I told you."
You know what he was doing? He was going to the bathroom.
Kaley:
I thought you were going to say he was reading his Bible, but that's what I was waiting for.
Meredith:
The poor kid couldn't help himself. He had to go to the bathroom, y’all. And I'm mad. And he gets in the car, and I'm fuming, or whatever, and he looks over at me, and he was like, "Mom, I was just going to the bathroom." And that was a moment for me to be able to be like, "Well, you should have thought of doing that earlier." That's where my flesh goes to. But he wasn't being like outwardly disobedient. That was not disrespectful. He was just being a kid who needed to go to the bathroom on his way to school.
And so I could feel my flesh rising to be like, "Well, you should have thought about that before we ..." Instead, I was like, "Bud, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up like I did." And then I turned around to the other two, and I said, "Hey, I shouldn't have slammed the door, guys. That was unnecessary. We will be fine if we're a few minutes late to school."
And then being able, so I say that not to shine my halo, please, Lord, I'm not shining my parenting halo in any way, shape, or form, but I want to draw another line. Recently, this child will remain nameless, but we have one of our children who is tempting, is playing with a little bit of lying. And we're having to navigate it. They're being a little sneaky with screen time, saying that they weren't on their screens when we can tell by the history that they are on their screens.
So the reason I tell you that is because in those moments when I have had to approach this particular child about what they're going through, I can say, "Hey, I felt really nervous saying sorry to you the other day because it felt embarrassing saying sorry to you. But do you know how much better I felt when I said that I was sorry and how much better our relationship ... you felt closer to me because I said I was sorry for you going to the bathroom. You were just going to the bathroom."
Or pointing back, being able to point back to a moment where you were humble in front of your child to give them ... one, to let them see a picture of it, and two, to give them permission that this is a safe place: My parent went before me and humbled themselves, and so I can do that. They're not going to lash out at me or whatever. And guess where I learned that from, y’all? The Bible. I learned it from the Word in order to show it to my child and in order to show my child, “Buddy, I don't do this because I'm a great mom. I do it because Jesus showed us how to do this by humbling himself. He humbled himself and put himself on the cross for our behalf.”
And you better believe I weave that right into every one of those conversations as best that I can. Instead of saying, "Hey, stop lying. It's wrong to lie. Lying is wrong. The Bible says not to lie." But why do we really not lie? Because we want to stay in connection with our Savior. That's why. We want full vulnerability and transparency with our Savior, because when we're fully vulnerable and transparent with our Savior, we're fully alive.
When we have distance from our Savior, we slowly become numb inside, and we're not living that full life. And so really trying to bring my child back to that place of the reason we don't do all these things, the reason we go to the Target skin care aisle is not because we're trying to get it all together. That might not be the best example. But the reason we have a servant heart is not because we're trying to shine our halo, it's because we're trying to exemplify Christ from an authentic, humble heart, because that's when we're fully alive.
Taylor Stuart:
That's great.
Kaley:
That was great. And I just want to wrap up with this. Taylor, thank you for your teaching. This was great. The examples that you gave, specifically too at the end with the woman with the condition of the blood just coming, and it was Jesus healing her body. But then he saved her soul, because he looked her in the eyes and called her “daughter” and saw her for who she was.
I think everybody listening, whether you're driving, if you're at a point where you can, or if you're at home, I'm sure you're near a mirror. So pause from your driving and just look up in that rear-view mirror for just a moment and lock eyes with yourself. I think there's power in locking eyes with yourself and remembering who you are. And have a vulnerable moment with yourself and your Savior. And just take a breath and humble yourself as best you can in that moment.
No matter where you are in your day — if it's morning, if it's afternoon, if you just yelled at your kids or had a really tough meeting, whatever it was — just take a moment to recenter yourself and look in the mirror. And remember, you don't have to finish the rest of the day being perfect. You have nothing to prove to anybody.
You don't have anything to prove to Jesus. But your ability to reckon with yourself and be vulnerable and remember who you are will allow you to live authentically, like James is commanding us in the Bible. So thank you, Taylor.
Taylor Stuart:
Thank you.
Kaley:
I would love for everybody to connect with you, because we talked about your Instagram upfront, but you really are sharing some wisdom there that I love. So will you share your Instagram handle for everyone?
Taylor Stuart:
Yes, it is Taylor.O.Stuart. The O is my middle name, Olivia.
Kaley:
Oh, Olivia. Taylor Olivia. OK. Well, we'll link that for you guys in the show notes.
Meredith:
Awesome. Well, as we wrap up, I want to remind our friends about the free resources on the book of James our team has pulled together for you. Now more than ever, it's important to live wisely. But like Taylor shared today, we can so easily get living wisely confused with living perfectly.
With this resource on James, you'll get more context into who James was, what biblical wisdom is, a scriptural breakdown of important topics found in the book, and three days of Bible study questions to walk through on your own. And what I love about this resource is not only how much it'll equip you but even more so that it's all written by the Proverbs 31 Ministries team who pours literally hundreds of hours of study into writing material that we can understand and we can trust, that it is sound biblically.
So go download this free resource on the book of James today for free, once again using the link in the show notes.
Kaley:
Yep, that's amazing. Thanks, Meredith, and thank you, Taylor. Thanks friends for listening. As always, we believe when you know the Truth and live the T ruth, it changes everything.