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Sex education and sexual interest don’t end at a certain age. Melanie Ramey is here not only to debunk myths about sexuality, sexual involvement, and connection later in life but to shed light on sexual information for all ages. This podcast will answer the questions that were never properly answered in health class and address the sex information we need but are too reluctant to discuss. Join Melanie for frank discussions about bodies, sexual health, desire, and age, with honesty and humor.
What do babies know about sexuality? It's a provocative and important question. Welcome to the Sexually Speaking podcast with sex educator and therapist Melanie Ramey. Today, Melanie discusses the importance of child rearing with respect to sexuality and how important it is to help children understand that their sexuality is good and natural, and certainly nothing to feel ashamed about.
Melanie Ramey: [00:00:34] Hello and welcome again to Sexually Speaking. I know that you didn't tune in today to do word trivia, but I think we're going to talk about a word that maybe you don't know. The word is epigenetics. Epigenetics is a very interesting word, and it has to do with our sexuality. You see, epigenetics is a science of habitable things that we inherit that are in our cells but do not change our DNA. So epigenetics is something that we've just been learning about in the last 20 years, with a lot of studies in the United States and in the United Kingdom. Did you know, for example, that the human brain has 100 billion cells? 100 billion. And they connect with seven thousand other cells throughout the human body. It's truly amazing. And in fact, it's much faster than a computer, much more complicated than a computer, and it is the most complicated object in the known universe. The human brain is tremendous, and there's something even more shocking, that the most important development of the brain begins in the womb. And then in the first year of life, it develops rapidly. And by the time a child is three years of age, they have developed 90% of the brain that they will have as an adult. So this is a time of really rapid growth when a child is very young, and it's a time that the brain is very vulnerable and it's also very complex.
Melanie Ramey: [00:02:48] And in fact, the brain makes 1000 synapse per second. As you can just imagine, all of this going on inside the brain of a baby and a young child, and how important what pathways are laid down in the brain can be to the future development of the child. Since the study of epigenetics has only been going on in recent years, I think that we have only learned how important the experiences that babies have and how they actually, these formative years are the times when the pathways - these are the habitable, the inherited things from parents that are not in the DNA, and the caregivers - are laid down. Where the child then begins to learn about relationships, begins to learn about itself. And clearly the brain is busy working every day from the day the child is born. And this is really how we began to get an understanding of our sexuality, is with these early experiences with the caregivers. The effects of the interaction between the babies and their caregivers is absolutely the foundation of what happens to them throughout the rest of their lives. And this is so critical because, you know, it's the reason why some people think that people should have a license to become a parent. And, you know, it's a very difficult job and it lasts a lifetime. If you think about if you're going to prepare for a job that maybe you're going to have for a few years, well, you might go to college even to take college courses, or you might go to technical school, or you might have to take some online courses to prepare yourself for a job that might even just last a few years, but for a job that lasts all of the rest of your life, or you'll always be a parent, it's not an easy job, and it's not simple. But unfortunately, there aren't many ways that people get prepared.
Melanie Ramey: [00:05:21] For example, pregnancy can result from a one night stand where somebody has given no thought to the consequences whatsoever. So, you know, it's really a serious matter that we need to think more about it. It's very interesting because the way that families have developed in the last 50,000 years have been by people living in extended families and people having the opportunity to see how their grandparents and their parents and their aunts and uncles parented. They've had the opportunity to even maybe babysit younger siblings, things like that. So they learned sort of how to have some parenting skills. And but in more recent times, that's not possible. I mean, most people do not live in extended families and in fact, not even living in proximity to their nuclear family at all is much more common now. So it's made it much harder for people to understand how to be a parent and what is all involved. Now, I was born before the age of epigenetics, and it's very interesting when I think about it, because my father parented us as he was parented in the large family into which he was born. And he liked to rock to us, rock us in a rocking chair, and sing.
Melanie Ramey: [00:06:57] And rocking chairs, of course, were very common in pieces of furniture in the South. And so he always maintained that he wore out about three songbooks on each child. And he was a man ahead of his time in terms of caring for us when we were babies. Now, my father was not a demonstrative man but I always had the feeling that he loved me. And I really think, as I reflect on it, that it goes back to that time when I was a baby and my father used to rock me and sing to me because it made me feel very secure. And it had a very good lifelong effect upon me, and I think it did all of my siblings, some of them actually can also sing. I am not gifted with that for sure. But in any event, it's these kinds of positive experiences that make all the difference in terms of how children are able to develop and the pathways that are created in the brain that help them understand about relationships and security and that sort of thing. And if that does not happen, if these positive events do not happen, it is really lost. It's very, very difficult to make this up later on. You simply cannot.
Melanie Ramey: [00:08:24] Now, I know there are people listening to this whose parents did not know and did not understand the needs that you had as a child and later on in a podcast we'll try to help you with that. But right now, we're focusing on how it is that babies develop and how it is they learn about their sexuality. You know, one of the things that's common, too, is that parents seem to worry a lot about, you know, how they were, things that aid in the development. And they're always thinking, well, there's a new toy out that Fisher makes that, you know, maybe they shouldn't get it. Or maybe, you know, the clothes or maybe what child should have its own room is the beginning. Those things don't amount to anything. They have no bearing whatsoever that on whether the child develops well or not. I will tell you, as I've said a thousand times to parents, the best thing you can do in terms of giving a child a toy is giving them a shiny pie pan. A pie pan is the greatest thing. Children love shiny things. You can stick the pie pan, you can see yourself in it, you can bang it on the floor, you make noise with it, you can hold it in your hand. You know you don't need to worry about any of this other stuff.
Melanie Ramey: [00:09:57] The main thing the child needs is love. The main thing the child needs when it's a baby is love and the attention of the caregivers. Because we see it repeatedly time and time again, there have been huge studies done, for example, in the Romanian orphanages where the orphanages were very full of children and there were very few caregivers. And so there was no way for children to become attached to anyone. And the results of that, as these children grew up into adulthood, and we've seen the studies time and time again, that the lack of these kinds of positive experiences with children have lifelong and sometimes disastrous effects. I also want to help you understand exactly how it is that children begin to understand about themselves sexually. It's really quite simple. As children begin to be a few months old, they discover their fingers and they start moving their fingers. And then they discover their legs move and their arms move, and they can turn their head. And they're beginning to discover themselves and how their body works. Now then, when the caregiver goes to change the diaper, that is often the first time a child can touch its genitalia. And very often they do because, you know, they haven't usually been able to do that. Now, how the caregiver handles that has an impact. If, for example, you're changing the baby's diaper and you just pick its hand up, move it out of the way so you can finish changing the diaper, no problem.
Melanie Ramey: [00:11:49] But if you harshly move its hand away and say in a loud or angry voice, Stop that, or some such, that conveys to the child a very negative idea that something is wrong with that part of the body, that it's different than other parts of the body. So it's this very early, early understanding of its body that is gotten in terms of its interaction with the caregiver that begins to form its ideas about that particular part of the body. So it's very important for caregivers to understand that. And one of the things that I think too often is that when people hire other caregivers to help with their children, they do not inquire as to how that person understands a child development. And so you may hire somebody who doesn't know Adam's off ox, and expect them to be able to influence your child, which they will, but sometimes in a very negative way. So this is really something that people need to give a lot more attention to. I know that a lot of times people think, well, if they can just find somebody to stay with the children for a while, that that's all you need. But that's not all you need. You need to have somebody that's got a working brain and has had some understanding of the way that children are supposed to understand themselves.
Melanie Ramey: [00:13:28] So in any event, so the children begin to understand themselves, and they begin to realize that their body is growing and their body is developing. And so caregivers must be mindful of the responses to a child's natural curiosity and exploration. And again, I will say this, I do know that there are certain groups of people who teach children that it's terrible to touch themselves, that they should not in any way ever act as though they may be masturbating or anything like that, that this is a sinful thing. And I would say to you that it's a normal thing. And I think that to make it into something bad is not very helpful to the child and its understanding. So how is it that you convey love to a child? Well, it's very simple actually. You know, you hold the child, you rock the child, you cuddle the child, and you use the skin to skin technique. Now, I don't know how many of you are familiar with the skin to skin technique, but it's highly recommended. In fact, it's practiced in almost every hospital now where when children are born. But this is where you take the baby and lay it on the mother's chest right at the time after it's born. And this begins the bonding process between the mother and child. And this you should do several times a day.
Melanie Ramey: [00:15:08] And also, the father needs to do this too, simply to have the same kind of bonding experience. But it's a very, very good technique, and it certainly adds a lot of comfort to the child. And it also oftentimes is very helpful with any postpartum issues that the mother may be having. So skin to skin technique is certainly something that everybody should know and practice. So in thinking about this in general, I think that we need to really not ever underestimate the importance of this early time in a child's life and how it needs to be positive and it needs to be consistent. And the main thing that a baby needs is to be loved.
Melanie Ramey: [00:16:07] Now then, since we are focusing on understanding about ourselves and our importance of children understanding about sex, we also need to think about how we teach them the language about sex. Now, I bet you that I know 20 words that are used in place of the words penis and vagina. It is absolutely bizarre, the euphemisms that we use for things when we have difficulty speaking about them. The word euphemism is actually from the Greek word meaning good speaking. And that simply means when you talk about something more easily. And so we do this not only with sexual things but with other things. For example, instead of saying somebody died, we say they passed away. Instead of saying a child is ugly, we'll say the child's homely. Instead of saying somebody is overweight, we say they look like a pig. Or, you know, euphemisms. There's an excellent book out, Americans Love Affair with Euphemisms, I'll post a reference on the Facebook page, but we use these when it's difficult, for whatever reason, that we have to talk about something. And something, and certainly, speaking about sex and sexuality is something that a lot of people have difficulty speaking about. But as soon as the child begins to develop his speech and awareness, begin to teach them the correct words: penis, vagina, scrotum, testicles, vulva, clitoris. Those are the words that a physician will use in speaking to a child. And if the child doesn't know what the physician is talking about, how will they know, you know, what he means or she means. The same thing is true as children grow up, you teach them that these are private parts of the body, but what they do and how they work. Now the problem is by using all these euphemisms, sometimes they stay with you all of your life.
Melanie Ramey: [00:18:42] I remember a woman in a group I was working with, and she was told about how she was chairing a committee for planning some big event in her community, and she suddenly realized that she needed to go to the bathroom. So she opened her mouth and out came, I'll be right back, I've got to go wee wee. And she was aware that people looked at her, this strange look, and then they all started laughing. They were all women who had young children, and they taught their children to use the word wee wee for going to the bathroom. Well, it may sound different with a little child, but when you're 40 years old, it sounds downright weird. But there's no reason why children can't be taught the correct words. In fact, a teacher told me about an instance in that one of her third graders came up and said to her, Jim touched my cookie. And so the teacher thinking about chocolate chip cookies, said, well, that's okay, you remember what we learned, sharing is good. Sharing is caring. It's good to share. And the little girl looked kind of puzzled and said, oh, I'm talking about down there. Well, she had been taught to use the word cookie for her vagina. And so, you know, when she needed to talk about it to somebody, she didn't even know the correct word. So your children will learn these euphemisms from other kids, whether you want them to or not, but just be sure that you teach them correct words so that they will know when they go to the doctor, or they have to see the school nurse or whatever, that they know what the correct word is. I will give some references also on the Facebook page and maybe some, actually some dialog that you can use in talking with children.
Melanie Ramey: [00:20:53] Also, it's really critical, I think, in terms of little girls in talking about their menstrual period. This is also a kind of thing that people often use all sorts of euphemisms to talk about. And it really is a handicap for a young person as they grow up, not to have the understanding of how the body works and why it works and so forth. They do need to be told and to understand that these are private, and that they don't, you know, go around talking about this all the time to everybody. But I think it also when you use the correct words with children that they then can also talk with you, that it opens up the discussion of any questions they might have because they know the language to speak in. And so, as parents, and maybe you never knew the right words yourself and there's never, it's never too late to learn them. But it's much more helpful to children to be taught early on what the correct words are. And so, you know, I hope that as you think about the euphemisms maybe that you use, that you think about not passing them on if they're not going to be really very helpful. So thanks for listening and we'll see you next time.
You've been listening to Sexually Speaking with sex educator and therapist Melanie Ramey. Join Melanie again for more fascinating topics about sexuality, please visit Sexually Speaking with Melanie Ramey on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.