For five years The Healthy Compulsive Project has been offering information, insight and inspiration for OCPD, obsessive-compulsive personality, perfectionism, micro-managers and Type A personality. Anyone who’s ever been known to overwork, overplan, overcontrol or overanalyze is welcome here, where the obsessive-compulsive personality is explored and harnessed to deliver what it was originally meant to deliver. Join psychotherapist, Jungian psychoanalyst and author Gary Trosclair as he delves into the pitfalls and potential of the driven personality with an informative, positive, and often playful approach to this sometimes-vexing character style.
Hello everyone. Gary Trosclair here. Psychotherapist, Jungian psychoanalyst, and author of the healthy compulsive project book, blog and podcast. Ever feel you’re being attacked, fought back, and found out later you were not being attacked? How you responded to that false alarm might have been inconsequential, or it could have lost you a job or a relationship. Defending ourselves is deeply wired for good reason. The world is not always a fair or friendly place. But for reasons that evolution itself would defend and justify in a court of law, this tendency to defend ourselves can get activated way too easily, with unfortunate consequences to career, relationships, and even well-being. In this episode we’ll explore the difference between defending and being defensive, look at some examples, explore ways to handle the defensiveness of others, and explore ways to minimize our own.
Oh, and you’ll also hear why my wife fell in love with me.
This is episode 68 of the healthy compulsive project podcast, Wield Your Shield Wisely: How to not be Defensive.
It was the summer of ‘92. I was strolling in Brooklyn's Prospect Park with my girlfriend of about 3 months, my wife-to-be. She told me about something I had done or not done, I can’t remember which, that had been hurtful or disappointing to her. I apologized and, rather than get defensive, I got curious about what it had been like for her. And, for the first time in our relationship, she told me she loved me.
My first interpretation of this was that she had decided she loved me because she had seen me perform as a musician for the first time the evening before and was so blown away she couldn’t hold back her affection anymore.
I was wrong.
I had bought into the common compulsive fallacy that love comes with achievement and perfection rather than care and communication. Apparently my being able to hear her out without getting defensive meant a lot to her—even more than my being a brilliant musician. And so not being defensive came to mean a lot to me.
Now I’m no saint and I'm sure I’ve fallen from that peak of magnanimity and sunken to levels of armored defensiveness plenty of times since then. But that incident did impress on me the value of being able to listen to feedback without getting defensive. So, I try to honor it.
Few of us make it through life without ever getting defensive. Shields are universal and archetypal. But, at the risk of being dramatic, how defensive we get can dramatically affect our relationships and careers. Some people keep their Shield of protection up almost all the time. Others ram it into the other person's face on special occasions. Both of these can severely limit not just relationships and career, but, as we'll see, your psychological growth as well.
What Does it Mean to be Defensive?
Just what does it mean to be defensive? And how is that different from legitimately defending yourself? I mean, I wouldn’t yell out to Mike Tyson when he’s in the ring in the middle of a boxing match, “Quit being so defensive!” There are times when you should defend yourself, and you should never let yourself be mistreated.
To be defensive, on the other hand, suggests that you reject suggestions and feedback before you consider them seriously.
And being defensive usually comes with these bonus behaviors:
• Attempts to avoid responsibility.
• Attempts to rationalize or justify behavior that isn’t rational or justifiable.
• Counterattacks against the person who has suggested self-reflection.
• Withdrawal, responding passive-aggressively to avoid the other person.
Behavior that is appropriately defensive protects our integrity without avoidance, rationalization, counterattacks or withdrawal. It also usually doesn’t come with the intense do-or-die, knee-jerk reaction we feel when we become defensive. When we appropriately defend ourselves, we consider the feedback and take it seriously before pushing back. It’s about informing people when they’re misinformed, and it comes out of wisdom rather than fear.
Both approaches wield the Shield. One wields it wisely, the other impulsively. Defensive use of the Shield is less discerning and keeps out the good stuff as well as the dangerous stuff.
Let’s look at some examples. In one of these the person defends himself appropriately rather than destructively.
Debbie Sticks Up for Her Parenting
Debbie had thought it would be great to have her mother nearby when she had kids. And while it had been helpful to have her mother babysit, Debbie quickly got defensive with her whenever she felt she was implying that she was being a bad mother.
“Does Jack have a good winter coat?” Mom asked as the November winds started blowing, thinking she might get him one. Debbie responded, “How could you think that I’m such a bad mother that I’d let my kid go without a winter coat? Once again this just shows that you don’t really respect me or care how I feel.” She interpreted her mother’s question as a negative statement about who she is, whether or not she is good and conscientious. And, in this case, more was lost than a winter coat for her son.
Dev Justifies His Behavior
Dev was a team manager at a consulting firm. When it was time for his annual review he went in all armored up. His boss Ralph gave him three compliments, and then gave him feedback about his interactions with his hires. He felt that Dev was a little harsh and that it would be good if he could just ratchet it down a level or two. Dev was not up for that. He rushed to put his Shield up.
Dev knew just what this was about. He started to defend what he had said to his team member Karen, whom he had had a good talking to about being late with her projects. His boss knew about the situation and had no interest in replaying it. He just wanted to know that going forward Dev would be a little gentler in his admonitions.
But Dev, who was a perfectionist in everything he did, still felt he needed to explain what had happened so that he could keep his reputation intact. He only ended up convincing Ralph that he needed some crackerjack executive coaching. Dev’s defensiveness landed him in the exact opposite place from where he had hoped to land.
Delores Tries to Protect Her Reputation
Delores worked hard as a nurse, mother, and wife. Having had a pair of extremely critical parents, she had learned early on to pre-empt criticism by being on guard and as perfect as she could be. So when her husband Sam asked casually “What’s for dinner?” she took it as a criticism of her menu and her timing.
Their daughter is screaming that their son is smearing his eye buggers all over her. The dog is eating its new sheepskin bed for an early afternoon High Tea. And Delores is teetering at the end of her rope. “I’m trying the best I can! I got off of work late and so I’m behind. Can’t you see what I’m dealing with? Can you have just an iota of patience?” Sam decides it’s best to disappear. Delores then misses the very thing she would have enjoyed the most, a little catch-up time with her partner.
Richard Rationalizes
Richard was the director of a regional theatre company. To say he worked long hours would be like saying Michael Phelps swam a lot. He got meaning out of it, but he approached it with dead seriousness and rigidity. The company was doing quite well, despite the economy. He had highly competent staff and a supportive Board. But he just couldn’t delegate, couldn’t trust others to get it right, and couldn't limit how much time he spent planning.
With a futon in his office, he rarely went home.
His wife Mary told him she felt like Penelope waiting ten years for Ulysses to return from the Trojan wars, a metaphor she used pointedly since he had just staged a play about how hard it was for Penelope to wait for Ulysses all those years.
When Mary said “I can't go on like this. Do you want a real marriage or not?” he put his Shield up between the two of them and started spewing rationalizations. “I need to keep the company successful so I can provide for our family. The company needs me. Just another year and I can back off. Besides, it seems like you don’t realize how much this means to me. You never have.”
Of course, none of these rationalizations made sense. What was really controlling his behavior was his fear of losing his identity and worth as a director.
Fernando Holds His Own
Fernando did most of the cleaning in his household. But that didn’t mean he was actually tidy himself. When his husband Frank asked whether they might do something about the closet bursting at the seams with Fernando’s old photography equipment, Fernando noticed himself begin to get tense.
He wanted to document how much worse Frank was at keeping the apartment in respectable condition. He wanted to say, “And what about you? I can’t move my stuff anywhere until you clean out your stuff! What about all that old medication in the medicine cabinet, the eight guitars in the other closet, and all the back issues of American Angler collecting dust wherever you look?”
Instead, noticing the defensive feelings mounting in his shoulders, and recognizing the seed of truth behind Frank’s comment, he said, “Well, there is actually a lot of stuff we could both get rid of. Maybe we can make a project of it together on Saturday.” The Shield was up and down in 4 seconds, used adaptively. Domestic dispute averted.
Causes of Being Defensive
There are many sources of defensiveness. Here are some of the most common:
Safety. Personal insecurity is the most frequent cause of defensiveness. When we feel our worth, dignity, or reputation is fragile and threatened, we don’t feel safe. We shoot first and ask questions never.
Assumptions. Defensiveness also occurs when we assume we know what the other person is feeling and thinking. The assumption is not only inaccurate, but it also typically assumes the other person is being very critical. (Recall from Podcast Episode 14 and this blog post that some of us have demand sensitivity, we imagine expectations that aren’t really there.)
Projections. These assumptions often result from projections, in which we confuse our own feelings (e.g. self-loathing) with what the other person is saying. Projection is just the movie house phenomenon: the story is actually playing in the camera booth of your mind, but you project it onto the screen of the other person. One of the assumptions we make is that what people want from us is perfection. But that’s our value, not theirs. They may value openness, authenticity, and a simple willingness to hear other people out without getting defensive.
Over-confidence. Some people assume that they're always right and have all the answers. It’s hard to be open when you’ve decided you’re right before a single comment is made. As I've written before, if you want to be certain, don't be so sure. [Podcast Episode 37]
Driven. When you’re on a mission and it feels like the other person’s feedback will block you or slow you down, you raise up your Shield to push them out of your way.
Calling Out Defensiveness Without Calling It Defensive
I realize that many of you may be on the receiving end of defensiveness, and that’s about as much fun as getting a root canal with the Jerry Springer Show blaring loudly at you. But if you don’t want to make it worse, you will need to be skillful. This applies both to partners of compulsives, and compulsives themselves, whose critical side may engender defensiveness in the people around them.
If you ever want to shut down or fire up a conversation simply say, with patronizing good cheer, “Don’t be so defensive!” This phrase is very effective at infuriating the other person so badly that they either can’t speak or can’t stop screaming. It dismisses their explanations out of hand so that you don’t have to bother taking seriously what they have to say.
Since calling their behavior defensive will not help, here are some ideas about how to handle defensiveness if you are on the other end of it:
• Remember that the Shield is not all bad, it's just being used badly. It’s necessary to set appropriate limits within a relationship. If your partner or colleague is being defensive their Shield has been hijacked, probably because their ego feels threatened.
• Ask them what they hear you saying that would cause them to react that way. “Did I hurt you?”
• Be empathetic about what it might have been like for them to hear your comment.
• Respectfully say what you can to reassure them that they are safe, and don’t need to push back.
• Strike while the iron is cool. Suggest you take a pause and come back to it later.
• Recall to yourself what it has felt like when you felt the need to be defensive.
• Eventually, after hearing them out, tell them what it's like to be on the other end of their defensiveness. And don’t allow yourself to be abused. Pause if necessary.
Wielding the Shield Wisely
But if you are the more defensive one, here are five steps you can take to become less defensive:
Name It: Learn to Recognize Your Defensive Reaction
Notice the “UH-OH” feeling that leads to tension in the body and fear of impending gloom. Defensiveness is usually characterized by urgency, franticness, and a desperate need to control the situation. Shoulders go up to protect the neck, the heart beats faster to prepare for battle, and the mind races to beat the other person to the punch.
The Shield goes up.
Instead, try: “Oh, here’s that feeling again. I feel the energy rising in my body. The other person might be acting like a jerk, but let me pause first. It’s in my own best interest.”
What’s Your Defense For? Identify What You’re Trying to Protect.
What is it that feels vulnerable? Your reputation? Your relationship? The safety of an old emotional wound?
There are many things we might feel the need to defend: our right to spend time organizing closets, working long hours, or simply our opinions. We might also defend our values and that which gives us meaning.
My observation has been that most people who are obsessive-compulsive or perfectionistic feel the need to defend their identity of being good, conscientious, or worthwhile. If these are questioned, they may feel the need to push back to defend their sense of themselves. They feel like a failure without their identity and conscientiousness intact.
[Note the difference from people with narcissistic tendencies who try to defend their sense of being special and better than. Find out more in Episode 10 of the Podcast.]
If you are aware of what you really need to defend, you can make more conscious decisions about what and when to defend, and how to do it adaptively.
Discern: Identify the Difference Between Appropriately Defending Yourself and Being Defensive.
Once you know what you feel you actually need to defend, and what might trigger your insecurity and therefore defensiveness, try to distinguish between the need to defend yourself and being defensive. “Defending” usually refers to a specific act, whereas “defensive” implies a reactive way of reacting and relating, however brief.
There is a different emotional tone between the two, but this gets tricky. If someone is actually threatening your reputation and livelihood, it’s understandable that you would get emotional. But defending appropriately usually feels less charged and intense.
Get Curious: Question Your Interpretation of What the Other Person is Saying.
At times we can feel absolutely certain we smell a criticism when it’s really only a suggestion that's a little sour to the emotional tastebuds. One very common misreading of a comment is to translate it from being a statement about what we’ve done into a statement about who we are. Mistakes (what we‘ve done) lead to guilt. Any sense that we are characterologically bad leads to shame, which is harder to shake than guilt.
Also question the source of your experience, which is often a projection of internalized parental voices, internalized cultural voices, or your own self-criticism. This is a pretty typical human maneuver, but not a pretty one.
If you experienced persistent disrespect from one or both of your parents, or you were bullied, you may feel the need to quickly raise the Shield based on an old recording rather than new feedback. It’s like you think you hear an army approaching but it’s really just a memory.
Check It Out: Is It Really Personal?
When you start to get that feeling that you’re being attacked and you feel the need to raise your Shield, check it out with the other person. Are they really telling you that you’re incompetent, stupid, lazy, uncaring or so unsexy they’d rather not do it with you? Or were they just distracted by the Steelers game and depressed by the stock market?
“When you say that I’ve been looking sad lately, it makes me feel like you’re saying I’m so depressed that no-one—including you—would ever want to be around me. Is that true?”
Conclusion: Does Your Shield Enhance or Block Your Values and Priorities?
I’ve spoken a lot about the impact defensiveness has on work and relationships, but perhaps worse is the way it quarantines our soul and robs it of nourishment. Used habitually, the Shield cuts us off from new possibilities, insights and growth. It's like having your internet down. Without life enhancing feedback from others, there's little to nourish your growth.
For me, personal growth is a priority. While I need my Shield to protect me from things that could hurt me, I also need to make sure that it's used in service of my growth rather than limiting it.
When King Arthur went into battle he carried not only his famous sword, Excalibur, but also his Shield, Prydwen. It was adorned with an image of the Virgin Mary, a cross, or a dragon, each of these conveying that the Shield was to be used in the interest of the greater good, a higher principle. If we keep in mind our higher principles we can use our Shield meaningfully, to support our values, not to protect a fragile ego.
What would you put on your Shield?