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How to stop doubting yourself and trust the f**k up - a podcast about unbecoming all the things you thought you needed to be. Here’s to loving all parts of you & leaving NONE of you behind.
Abby: [00:00:00] Yes. So this, , idea for where today's podcast came through, I was in the shower and I'm like, okay, what do we, what feels present? What feels like something that needs to be brought to light, talked about today. And it wasn't until after [00:01:00] I came out of the shower and I was looking in the mirror and And just thinking about how the mirror, I mean, basically, it can be, it's the thing that reflects back to us, everything, not only what we are physically seeing, but also what we're thinking about ourselves, and it can just bring so many things to light.
Abby: And.. The thing about being vain. About like how, cause also I remember something that you said to me a while ago. So I'll bring that up in a second. You're like, but just about how we, when we are looking in the mirror and like being shamed for like not wanting to be the woman who, Is admiring herself or staring at herself in the mirror, because that would mean you're like vain or prideful or all of these things that are bad, you know, in according to the patriarchal society that we live in.[00:02:00]
Abby: That we have lived and I remember once when we were talking about, I think when Ellis, when he finally took his dive, his first and only, I guess at this point, dive off the bed and you were like, I remember the time Nova fell off the bed and, and I think I was probably looking in the mirror for too long.
Abby: I think he said
Fallon: Oh yeah. I did. Yeah.
Abby: like here, there's like that subtle kind of like shame, like, Oh God, I, I was looking in the mirror too long. And like, Then she fell off the bed, you
Fallon: know, what's crazy is I have light about that. I told you the truth because you know, I'm such a truth teller, but I remember when it actually happened, I was like, I was going pee and I was, but I also got off the toilet and I was getting ready to have like one of my first girls nights out. And so I was trying to see how a dress fit me.
Fallon: And you know, like. Yeah. Yeah. Still carrying extra weight. And as you do, or as I did, I should say. And so I was kind of like, Oh, I think if I put the belt here and the kind of like, Oh, okay. I can kind of see myself [00:03:00] again. Right. And I don't want to even say old self. Cause I don't think that that is the way after you have a baby, but yes.
Fallon: And so I, I, you know, of course I tell the truth now, but I was, and there was a little bit of shame and I remember. Being so hard on myself. Like who the fuck are you to be looking in the mirror? Your daughter was on the bed, not thinking that she was going to like speed race off of it.
Abby: Well, of course it's like, you know, one day it goes from them, like barely meandering to like, you know, just boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Here we go. Taking a dive.
Fallon: and it's funny that we're talking about this, because if you've ever been a parent, I almost guarantee you have a story of your child falling off the bed or off your lap or, you know, Like, as a baby, right? As that, like, when that quote unquote not supposed to, because I need a girlfriend I've talked to about this, like, when mine happened, I was in, like, panic.
Fallon: Like, you feel like the worst mother ever. And then, and then other moms are like, oh, yeah, mine did that. It's fine. And I'm like, oh, and then I had another girlfriend. It's like, yeah, babies bounce. And I'm like, do they?
Abby: Do they, it feels like they hit real [00:04:00] hard.
Fallon: Yeah, it doesn't feel like that, but I digress. Yeah. Yeah, but there was a, there was shame in, in that.
Fallon: And it's funny that you pick, not funny, but, and no surprise that you picked up on that little subtle undertone of like, Ooh, I shouldn't have been doing that.
Abby: Well, and even thinking about relating this to now having a child and kind of examining your own behavior through the lens of how are they seeing me do things? And I remember thinking to myself at some point, you know, like a week or two ago, Oh, I don't want him to see me always looking in the mirror.
Abby: Like I feel like I'm looking in the mirror a lot, you know? And then I was like, wait a minute, why do I not want him to see me looking in the mirror? Yeah. Yeah. Do I actually think that's true? Like, do I actually think that's a bad thing or do I want him to see me looking in the mirror and like speaking kindly to myself and being like, damn, she looks good today, you know?
Abby: Or like, I feel great. Or I feel whatever. And yeah. But just being able to see through [00:05:00] that lens of, of your child and what, what they're seeing you do all the time.
Fallon: Yeah. It's interesting because I watched Nova and she looks in the mirror. Quite often, but she'll look in the mirror. She talks to me and she'll like, I can see that she's looking at, like, what does she look like when she's expressing herself? And so sometimes I'll, you know, like, just let her have it.
Fallon: And then sometimes I'm like, maybe when you're talking to somebody, you have to, you got to look at
Abby: Look in their eye.
Fallon: you know, but it's like, it's so, it's so interesting as a parent, because I don't want to shame her for being so embodied. Cause those that have met my child, she's very embodied. Um, very. In the best way.
Fallon: And it's, it's always something that like, I was raised to hold a lot of shame around my body because my mom was raised that way. And, you know, I said this in the last episode, but like confidence, I was shamed for that. So, and I also was born very sensual and very sexual. I just was like, I just came out of the womb that way.
Fallon: And it was a lot of like, it was really shunned and shut down. And so it was been a path of me. Rediscovering my own intimacy with [00:06:00] myself. And, but I watched those threads come up, not just with me, but projecting them on to my child as well. Of like, oh, she shouldn't be, that's not the right thing. I'm like, but where is that coming from?
Fallon: Is that what I actually think is true? Or is that the lineage that is raising me to like, You know, play small, um, and keep her in check because she is bright and she is beautiful and she's funny and, and she really likes herself and I want her to like herself. So it's interesting, you know, as you're going to navigate this with Ellis as he gets older.
Fallon: And I think it's so important that a son sees this from his mom too, of taking time for you to appreciate you and your beauty and being in it. And so the mirror work, and so we're going to talk more about all the ways in which we can use mirror work and my. My love for it, and I haven't done it recently, but I used to do a lot of it, is the intimacy.
Fallon: We crave intimacy. We want more intimacy from our partners, from even our friendships, yet we [00:07:00] turn away from it when it comes to intimacy with ourselves.
Abby: Mm hmm. Yeah. Turn away or even know that you're consciously turning away. It's almost like it's like with anything. I think the easiest thing to put on the back burner, you know, if you're constantly kind of just trying to put out fires every day, you know, in your relationships, if you feel like you want to have more connection with your husband, your friendships, your partner, whoever in your life, then you're focusing on that first.
Abby: And that tends to come first because it's, you know, the most present or the most pressing seemingly.
Fallon: And it's what we've been taught to focus on. Yeah. Yeah. But the turning into you're right. It's not, it's usually not conscious. Like I'm going to for
Abby: I'm going to shun myself today
Fallon: from myself today. Um, but turning towards yourself feet can feel like shame. It can bring up like, who am I? It can bring up all kinds of things.[00:08:00]
Fallon: Um, but where you can start it. The first time I did this, I was young and my dad actually taught me to do this. The little bit he was in my life, he would drop some pretty powerful wisdom for me. Um, he was like, just look at your, look at yourself in your eyes. I think I was like 18 or 19. He's like, just look, like, just look, just spend some time looking at yourself in your eyes in the mirror.
Fallon: Just see. And I was like, okay. And man, that initially was, and sometimes it still is kind of uncomfortable because it does really create this intimacy with yourself where you're pausing to see you. And, and he said, you know, the eyes are the windows to the soul. So what are we glimpsing? What are we feeling? There,
Abby: what are we noticing? What thoughts are we noticing come up about how we're thinking about ourselves or how we're thinking about our appearance or how we're thinking about anything really that comes up. That's why it's so intimate because there's nothing else for you to do, but sit there [00:09:00] and look into your own eyes and see what comes up and even doing this, and I haven't done this in a while.
Abby: So this is probably coming up because. It's time to time to do a little bit more,
Fallon: and
Abby: but even just sitting there, you know, 30 seconds, starting 30 seconds, 60 seconds, 90 seconds. And just, you know, like with meditation, just letting kind of whatever come up, comes up, come up and let it sit there, let it go through and just notice, you know, as much as you can notice without putting any labels on anything or any shame or any guilt for thinking something, just being like, Hmm, that's interesting.
Fallon: you get to notice the labels to like, oh, okay. There's that label. Didn't know that one was still there. Thought this one was, you know, yeah. Um, so I guess that's what we're doing this week is more mirror work again. I, I have also been away from it, so this will be really great. And there's other ways. [00:10:00] So I used to give my clients who really struggled with body image.
Fallon: And many of you might already know this practice, but I used to give them like stand in a full length mirror, but stand far enough away that it's not, you're not right up on your details. And then just kind of soften your eyes so that you become more blurry and you just get the silhouette of you and sit with the silhouette of you, of your body.
Fallon: And that again, we're talking about intimacy, but naked, right? Like you've got to be naked. Like this is not stuff that we're doing clothed, right? We're, we're, we're, we're free. We're open and taking it all literally. And Being with ourself in that too, can be really revealing of like, Ooh, I'm naked with myself and I'm not coming from the bath or the shower and I'm not changing my clothes.
Fallon: Like I'm actually just going to stand here with me and just observe me from a distance and let myself blur. So I don't get [00:11:00] too hung up on whatever it is. We all have the things, you know, we all have the things that we feel like shouldn't be there and they are, and they're a part of us. It's something I still, I'm always working on too.
Abby: And one of the reasons, too, that we, that this came up for me, I love that practice and I want to do that. I haven't done that. Um, but. I was thinking about this when I was recounting my childbirth experience, and I really wanted to, and was able to, was lucky enough to have a mirror so that I could watch everything as it was happening.
Abby: Um, because I wanted, I mean, I'm like, this is going to be the one of the most powerful moments of my life. And I want to see what's happening down there. Like, Great that everybody else gets to watch it, but like, I don't want to be just here doing all the work and not being able to like witness it because like how amazing is this going to be and.
Abby: And it was, and [00:12:00] I'm thinking of like, my dad feels weird to bring my dad up at this moment, but, um, but he was always like, you know, he had, he watched five, five babies being born. And so he's like, it's just a miracle. He's like, you just, you can't ever like put it into words. It's such a miracle to see. It's like, I don't think there's a moment that you could feel closer to God than in that moment.
Abby: And. Exactly. And I totally felt that same way. And, but I remember being surprised when I like recounted the story to people, them being like, Oh, you watched it? Oh,
Fallon: Oh.
Abby: yeah, like being like kind of surprised and like weirded out that I wanted to. See it all happen. And I'm like, man, you guys are missing out.
Abby: I mean, no judgment. I don't want to, you know, shame anybody for
Fallon: I do. No, I'm just kidding.
Abby: I do coming in
Fallon: I do. What the hell?[00:13:00]
Abby: I'm like, wow, that's so sad. That like. I don't know that you, you were conditioned to think that that was like a gross thing or that you didn't want to see that, or you didn't want to like see your body, how it like literally unfolds itself to bring life into the world. You know, like what a powerful moment to miss out on for your own body, like for your own reclaiming of like how much power lives there, you know?
Fallon: Yeah. And the, what's the word I'm looking for? Literally bringing a soul into 3D, like to earth, like you, the portal, the literal portal between your legs. Your pussy portal is like so powerful and so beautiful and so sensual. And there's a reason that we have been taught that she's gross or worry about her smell or, you know, like, oh, don't talk about when you're bleeding or because she's Those in the ancient times when, I don't know, all of this was changing.
Fallon: I think they talk about it in, [00:14:00] uh, Rebecca Campbell talks about in Rise, Sister Rise. Um, they knew the power and how close that brings us to God. And what, how do you, you know, like, I'm not religious by any means, but it's like, how does the devil work to like, keep you away from God? And it's like, you have to ask, is that one of the ways?
Fallon: And I don't really like subscribe to that mentality of like the devil's at work because I just don't, it just doesn't resonate with me. But.
Abby: it's like, how can we take power away? From the thing that is the most powerful. Let's make it gross. Let's make it weird. Let's make it shameful. Let's make it something we don't talk about. And it's an event like this is one of the reasons I don't even know if I've said this publicly or not, but one of the reasons why, when I was going through my whole birth experience, I actually took a doula certification course and became certified as a doula because I was like, there's just, there's still so much in today's.
Abby: Hospital system [00:15:00] that like you are, you are told that like childbirth is scary. It's something to be scared of. It's something that you should like, listen to other people about, you know, listen to the doctor, listen to these people, tell you what you should do with your body and your baby when like women have been doing this for literally ever.
Abby: And
Fallon: Quite literally.
Abby: you know or not, like your body knows what to do and if you give yourself the space and the grace and the, like, if you give yourself the space to be able to listen to your body and to tune into yourself, then it will know what to do and to have people there who help empower you to be able to do that.
Abby: But anyway, I'm going on, I'm going off on a tangent, but really it's just,
Fallon: Yeah. It's self trust. Right? And the way you build trust with yourself is to build intimacy with yourself. And so another practice that I found really confronting in the beginning and probably actually still will a little bit, not as much is [00:16:00] gazing at your yoni, gazing at your pussy. So this is, uh, from the book Pussy, Regina Thomas Hauer
Abby: And I'm like, gotta reread it.
Fallon: yeah, I've read it twice and I probably will reread it a third time. It's actually, she's also why I had like, had extra piercings in my ears, so like I'd start to adorn myself and a couple years ago and yeah, so that book really has impacted a lot of women positively. And. All like really confronts what we've been taught around the shame of our bodies in our orgasms and the intimacy with ourself.
Fallon: And so another practice, we're going to, you know, maybe. invite you into, challenge you, depending on where you're at in your practice. If you're brand new to
Abby: maybe going to do it.
Abby: We are going to do it.
Fallon: yes, we are going to do it. If you're brand new to your practice, like, just discern where your body's at, but notice the reactions just in listening to us talk about this.
Fallon: Like, notice the sensations, the reactions that you're having of like, ooh, okay. But like, have you actually really, do you really know what your pussy looks like? [00:17:00] Do you know the power? Do you know what she feels like? Do you know like the power she holds? And so I think it was a couple summers ago, a couple girlfriends and I were rereading the book.
Fallon: And so we would do our gazing. And I remember I would have to set a timer for three minutes because I was like, okay, this is okay. I'd have to like get myself into it. And what ends up happening is very similar to when you gaze in her eyes, it's just a softening, but you get to see all the ways in which you've made her, that part of you, your womb, your wisdom, your yoni, bad or wrong.
Fallon: Or how she's not, she doesn't look like how you think she's supposed to look like. And there's, there's a couple accounts. There's one, I think it's called True Mirror, that also I wanted to touch on really quick. There's something about the way mirrors are made that take the light from your eyes, but there's this company that makes true mirrors and I don't know the science behind it, but it shows you.
Fallon: Oh, it doesn't reverse your reflection. That's what it is. You actually look at yourself as other people see you and then it doesn't also take the light from your eyes. So people who look in these [00:18:00] true mirrors having are having this really emotional reactions because they've never seen themselves the way that they really look.
Fallon: Right? Because how can, um, The other side of this, going back, I digress, is, I think that's an account, I think it's like Viva La, it's not Viva La Vagina, I don't know, but there's, I'll have to find it and put it in the show notes before we air this, but she does vulva casts, vulva casting, and she casts, and I've watched, I've had this account for a couple years, I think it even got taken down and put back up, but she casts vulvas, and you end up seeing, and she'll like, put them on big, um, like frames, all these different types of vulvas, and And you'll end up seeing like, oh my gosh, literally every single one of us is so different.
Fallon: And one is not more right than the other. And there's all this like, you know, worry. And so really gazing at your pussy gives you back some power, gives you back some grace, gives you back some self love, but you're going to have to sit with the part of you that's uncomfortable with it as you do in growth.
Fallon: Like there's no escaping [00:19:00] discomfort in growth.
Abby: Yeah. And it's funny because as you're talking, I'm thinking to myself, like, have it since I gave birth? Like I haven't, I definitely have not done it like as a practice. I've like looked to like, make sure things look like they're back in the, in the same ish spots.
Fallon: Yeah.
Abby: But it's more, yeah. I'm just sitting here thinking like this actually, yeah, this feels like a really good time to just sit with it and see, see what she looks like now
Fallon: Yeah.
Abby: how she's like shifted and changed.
Fallon: Yes. And mine definitely did. I wish I would have had this practice before I had Nova because I know, I mean, I was familiar enough with myself. I knew things had shifted, but the practice after I got to really see like, Oh, that's different. Okay. And that's okay. And this is different. Right. And so there's a law as a new mom too.
Fallon: I remember panicking. I remember like [00:20:00] sticking my fingers inside myself. Like, I don't think it's, I don't think it's the same. This is not where this is. And I panicked panicking. And that is something I wish midwives is even, and doulas told you like, it's okay. If it's, if you don't feel the same. After like things will heal and everything, but you're not going to be, just as you're not going to be the same woman, your body's not going to be the same.
Fallon: And that's also, okay. That's transformation.
Abby: Well, and I don't even know if I, if I like checked up there for a while, because I was still, I was bleeding so much afterward, you know, like I bled for, I don't know, six, seven weeks to the point where I needed to go, I, my doctor had to prescribe some like blood clotting medication for me to take so that it would stop. And it, but even as I'm saying that, I'm like, but what, what would have been wrong with,
Fallon: And
Abby: checking everything out and, you know, Yeah. [00:21:00] I mean, I guess in the beginning you don't want to do that because there's literally like an open wound still in there, but like after some weeks have passed, it would have been fine.
Fallon: that's, that's another really intimate is like your, your, your own blood and that's not something we have to get into today because we're almost at time, but that's another just Avenue that women will save it and offer it to the trees and their plants and, you know, just, just getting to know it even, you don't have to do anything crazy other than just acknowledging that part of you and, and really diffusing the shame, not just for yourself, for yourself first.
Fallon: But also for our mothers and our grandmothers and our daughters and our granddaughters and
Abby: Yeah. And I would say too, like if, if you are, depending on where you're at in your practice, you could start with the eye gazing, start with the eye gazing first and see what comes up for you. If you have done that before, or if you want to kind of just come in hot to this situation,
Fallon: coming in hot.
Abby: then [00:22:00] start with the, start with the eye gazing. I don't know, what do we want to call it? Pussy gazing?
Fallon: Yeah.
Abby: Yeah.
Fallon: Or even your breasts. Like some, some of us like, like, I've definitely had to grow a love for my eight cups as I've talked about a lot through the years, but you can even start there. I'm like, okay. You know, just, okay. So whatever feels edgy, whatever feels like, Ooh, I don't know. I don't know. That's.
Abby: That's the place to start. And if it's like, Ooh, I don't even want to sit here in front of the mirror and look at myself for five seconds, like clothed, then maybe that's where you start. And we trust you to start wherever is right for you because you're the one who knows. So yeah, fun practices,
Fallon: edgy, confronting,
Abby: confronting, but You will learn some things and things will be revealed as they always, as they always are in the mirror.
Fallon: very healing also, and [00:23:00] very empowering. So,
Abby: we're not gonna, we're not going to give you anything to do that's not going to be empowering.
Fallon: yeah, we're not going to give you anything that's going to waste your time and energy. We're all, we're all about that. So, you know, DM us or tag us. Let us know, um, where you're at in your mirror work or even take a picture of yourself. Just. eye contact in the mirror and tag Abby and I and we're going to be doing it with you.
Abby: Yes, we are. Yeah, and actually, yeah, that's what we should do after in the, um, afterward is just come up with our own or just reveal kind of what our own things that have come up. Are since neither of us have really have done this, you know, consistently in a while.
Fallon: Yeah, definitely have not done it recently. So it'd be good to be an arm and arm with all of you doing this
Abby: Exactly. All right. Well, this has been lovely and I'm looking forward to, yes, as always. And we can't wait to talk to you guys again soon. Have
Fallon: Have a good [00:24:00] one.
Abby: a good one.