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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
Speaker 2:a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Step one is about being honest, about how I am powerless and my life is unmanageable. I mean, I've had ten years of sobriety. That's not new information for me. But if I think about dissociation as something I can't live without because it always has been, because it's what I've always done, then facing those feelings of being powerless, whether they are memory time in the past or now time as I try to cope with a pandemic in week twelve of quarantine, which is three months of being in my house with my children, not leaving except for walks early in the morning before other people are out, which is after three months of being in California by myself working on the campfires, which is three months after being in The Middle East in war zones with rockets flying through the air and earthquakes in Puerto Rico and hurricanes in Houston and all of that, almost nine months, eight months since therapy. It absolutely feels powerless and unmanageable.
Speaker 1:I feel powerless and unmanageable. I wanted to quit it all and I'm really sorry. I don't want them to do it anymore. I don't know how to push it away, push everything away, push all of them away and build those walls up and still talk honestly on a podcast where everyone knows everything, where everyone can listen. It's a hard time to let your walls down when you're trying to put your shields up.
Speaker 1:Here for us, there is no cheating. There is no visiting friends. There is no connecting with others. There's only mail, letters the children can write that we can mail to try to prove that we're trying. The last of the cards being sent to the therapist, each one humiliating us more than the last because we obviously can't get it together or we wouldn't still need them.
Speaker 1:She and our friends say, oh, thank you for sharing. But our friend's life has changed too because of the pandemic, her having lost her job and now at home with her children, and us at home with our children, we cannot talk anymore. I don't even know where my phone is most days. And sending cards to the therapist, which I have permission to do, is like pouring my heart out into an abyss, not knowing if it's right or wrong or good or bad, triggering in its own way because it's not a conversation, and yet wanting to honor the safety of it and honor the graciousness of it. To speak her language of goodness and kindness and connection even while we have basically been locked in one room or another for almost a year, literally, Not on the inside.
Speaker 1:I mean, on the outside. Now time is safe. That's what it is. But not at all. And to feel betrayed, not by her or my friends or my family.
Speaker 1:It's not about it being anyone's fault. It's about this is the life I've been given. What I've been called to, what I've been assigned, what my lot has been. I don't want to talk about DID anymore. I don't want to be a wee.
Speaker 1:I don't want to tell people I'm crazy or be out in the open about how unwell I am. None of that feels good or right. None of that is as it should be. And so we've been away with a bit of restructuring, under construction, closed for repairs. And I thought maybe that there was enough happening to everybody else that we could just slip away and let it be done.
Speaker 1:But no. With people here who know us, all that did was get us in trouble for being too quiet and too disappearing. Not enough of this and not good enough of that. So that now all it is is we're in trouble for not doing it well, for not doing it right, which I already knew was a problem and already warned them from the beginning. Not normal, and we don't know how to do this.
Speaker 1:And, yes, everyone's worked so hard to show us how much they care. So I'm sorry for being such a burden. I'm sorry for causing such problems. I'm sorry for being so difficult. What am I supposed to say?
Speaker 1:I'm sorry that I don't have the same rose colored glasses that makes everything okay, that makes everything good. When I'm telling you this has not been good, this has been hard, this has been awful, we have been alone, trying to feed our children, trying like every other parent to work and to homeschool them, watching our daughter die. She's still with us, by the way. We're still waiting on surgery. No, there isn't any news yet.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's exhausting. I don't know what I'm supposed to say about it. It's terrible. I don't want connection anymore. I don't want.
Speaker 1:It's not better because it's not real. I'm done with it. We're just going to be one. I'm just going to be me. And so I've done a terrible thing, reorganizing our system, restructuring our system, rebuilding our system.
Speaker 1:I don't need a system. I need to just be. I've got no dignity left. I can't learn about how to open up to the world when the world is shut down. I can't be glad that everyone finally understands what it's like to be me in lockdown every day of my life when their restrictions get lifted and they get to go back to their regular scheduled activities while we are still locked in our house.
Speaker 1:Locked in our house like we have been since a child, I might say. I don't want to share my struggles. I don't want to whine about how hard life is. I don't want to complain about how it's so difficult. I don't want to be powerless and unmanageable.
Speaker 1:And so I'm done with that, and I was done with this. And so we've done nothing with the podcast for two months. But all the ones we recorded ahead of time ran out. And you noticed? Things are different now.
Speaker 1:So here I am at two in the morning, locked in my van in the driveway because I don't know when else I can even record a podcast or tell you about what's going on. Because I have six children all the time who need something and 250 clients because we're deployed to New York virtually, helping with the pandemic and the mental health crisis that's part of it. We've watched not only our doctor die, but patients die. We've been on the phone while people passed alone in their rooms where family couldn't be. We've lost doctors and first responders to suicide.
Speaker 1:We've taken more clients than possible because that's how high the need is. We've watched the virus hit the camps in Greece and Syria. We've had more earthquakes in Puerto Rico. And now hurricane and tornado season are starting. I quit two jobs because I don't know how to do them, and doctor e is not here to figure it out because I bricked everybody up, didn't I?
Speaker 1:Building walls to calm things down. They don't need to be out here for this. And it's one thing to communicate about things, and it's one thing to learn about things. It's another thing to just see clearly how things are going to be. And this is how it is.
Speaker 1:This is how it's going to be. This is our life. We created it, and we've got to deal with it. There's no more room to just sit around being whiny and scared. So the work, we've done it.
Speaker 1:I've done it. The children, I've done it. The homeschool Zoom meetings, I've done it. I've taken care of it. Getting the husband new meds and on his own therapy for Zoom.
Speaker 1:Done it. Managed to feed the six children with nothing. Done it. I've taken care of it. Everything's fine.
Speaker 1:There's nothing to talk about. I write a blog once a week to share what's going on so that everyone knows everything's okay. Done it. Documented our quarantine weeks so that there's a record both for us, for me. I'm not saying us anymore.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying we anymore. And for the family and for everyone who's trying so hard to support us for which we are grateful. So grateful of taking care of it. So everyone knows that everything is fine, except that we need so much, and so many have helped us. People have brought food.
Speaker 1:And sent supplies and done a birthday party in the street for our daughter who's made it to five. Friends who have written back, listeners who have emailed, and Peter who, after we said something about the ISSTD conference, which finally happened virtually this last weekend, said, oh, I hope you share on the podcast. And I cussed, and I hit myself in the forehead because I've forgotten about the podcast altogether, because my life is unmanageable. And so I'm sorry. Because if it is a good thing, we need to do it.
Speaker 1:And if it is the right thing, we need to do it. And if connection is real at all, even if it's virtual, we're supposed to do it. So I'm sorry for letting that drop, but there were so many balls in the air. And I needed time to get things reorganized, and I needed time to build brick walls. And I needed time to solidify and stop being so slippery.
Speaker 1:So I'll try to calm down. And if I'm able to get alone time, which does not happen in quarantine with eight people in one house, Then I will try to talk about the ISSTD conference and share about it because it was good and helpful and the people were kind. And so I can be nice about it, but I'm also gonna be real about how month three of quarantine is hard. Starting month four is exhausting. Waiting for surgery and watching our doctor struggle is terrible.
Speaker 1:Being honest like step one and telling the world, well, as safely as you can, about DID is humiliating. Not being able to hold on to connection when there is none is a new wound. And everything stops for that Because we, they, I don't need to be hurt like that again or rejected like that again or sent away like that again, not even by the scene clearly, and so running away first before it hurts most. The grieving has been long, and I am done. If you want to talk about attunement, then we also have to talk about misattunement.
Speaker 1:If you want to talk about connection, then we also have to talk about disconnection. And it's wonderful that some people have really good and safe therapists and are able to talk to them now, but some of us don't have that. And it's really good that some people have good friendships that help them feel safe and loved and warm, connected and strong so that they can lead the world with courage and bravery, but other people don't have that. And all the things that are happening politically and all the drama between people in fighting over it is not helpful for people with trauma, is not helpful for people who struggle with connection, is not helpful for people looking for safety. Now time does not feel safe.
Speaker 1:I know what the therapist would say. I know what I would say. I know what they have taught me. That sometimes my feelings are lying to me. Sometimes your feelings are lying to you.
Speaker 1:So that's fine. Then let's build walls. Let's shutter up the heart like we would a house against the storm. Because if that's what I feel, then I don't know how to feel the truth. I don't know how to see which is real.
Speaker 1:But I'm done fighting, and you've made running away not an option. So fall down the ladder with me. If I can't run away and I've got no fight left, Then freezing is what's next. Right? So that's what we did.
Speaker 1:I tried to do it well. I tried to end things smoothly. I tried to close-up shop. And that pull that everyone says is connection, that everyone says is so important, to me feels like domestic violence. To me, it's a trigger that makes me look like a fool for going back, for begging, for wanting, for needing.
Speaker 1:So if you want to talk, let's talk about that because I will not be that again. I will not do that again. I want my dignity. And if this is my life, then it's going to be mine. And if I'm going to be good and kind, it would be because it's the right thing, not because I know how.
Speaker 1:The children had a Zoom meeting with a counselor because they're supposed to be transitioning to middle school, a middle school that's not even going to be opening because of the pandemic. And when they were talking about middle school life as if that's going to happen in the fall, she reminded them about friendships and gave a lesson about friendships. And I needed that. I don't remember getting that in middle school, but I wasn't much a fan of middle school. And she talked about bullies and the lunchroom and cafeteria and the hallways and all of those usual things.
Speaker 1:But she also talked about the dynamic of friendship and the giving and the taking. And specifically, because of the special needs of our children, she reminded them about giving away pieces of themselves. And she said you're not supposed to give away so much because it's like taking turns and that you wait for them to give back. You wait for them to connect too. You wait for them to try and offer something rather than just selling yourself out.
Speaker 1:Those are my words, not hers. And it helped me understand because our friend that we cannot see, that's what I appreciate about her, that she's responsive, that she initiates, that she checks on me, and I can do the same for her, And I can care for her in the ways I am learning. Even if I'm not good at it yet, I can keep trying, and I know that. And I know she's on the list of nonnegotiable things even in restructuring. I get it.
Speaker 1:But it also helped me see with others why they are a trigger and why it's hard to keep giving when they don't respond and what a fool I am to put it out there, to put out so much when there's nothing back. It doesn't make them bad, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them. I'm saying that I'm learning that just because someone is good and exactly perfect for someone else doesn't mean they're right for me. Or just because someone is popular, like the counselor talked about in middle school, doesn't mean that I belong there. And I saw for the first time the movie Goodwill Hunting, or part of it because we can't watch rated R movies.
Speaker 1:But I could see it filtered for a therapy assignment. Not therapy. And there's the scene where the girlfriend invites him to move with her. And he responds by getting angry and breaking up with her. And he yells and yells and yells even while she's trying to invite him into her life.
Speaker 1:And that is my head every day. And in the end, he leaves everything to go be with her. And that's when the movie ends, except that I know he doesn't stay. I know he probably doesn't even make it out there. I know that if he does, he just stands on the outside and watches.
Speaker 1:He doesn't engage. He doesn't accept the invitation. He doesn't stay because I know what it's like to feel the way he screams at her, the way he pushes her away, the way he bricks up his walls to stay safe. Because no one understands, No one sees in. And when you try to say how hard it is, then you're swatted away like a bug.
Speaker 1:It's irritating and overwhelming to other people because they don't understand it's about capacity and experience, not about options and choices. And with all the science now that you can talk about, about neurobiology and polyvagal and all of these things, how can you not understand that it's not just a switch we can flip, that it's not just something we can choose, that getting better is more than that and harder than that? This isn't Pollyanna, and she's not real. And asking us to turn that off is like asking us to dissociate from what's hard, and that's not the same as honoring it. And that's why it comes as rejection, which is why it's confusing both to you and to me when I reject your invitation that didn't feel safe in the first place.
Speaker 1:And you're mad at me for your hurt feelings because you think you've done so much, and I'm humiliated by myself for being powerless and unmanageable. I don't want to have DID, and my saying so isn't a personality disorder. My disagreement with you is not an attachment problem. It's that you are functioning outside of the storm, and I am still in it. And now time can't be safe when it's not congruent with what the experience is.
Speaker 1:Because the whole reason of all of the work we have done is to listen to ourself. All of the work I have done is to listen to myself and to get to the very bottom of the ugliest hurt and pain there is and to honor it by feeling it. So how dare anyone ask me to turn it off? I have worked harder than you can understand to feel every bit of this, and it is mine. And I have every right to feel all of it for as long as I want until it is done.
Speaker 1:You know why? Because I don't want it coming back and coming back and coming back. I'm over it. I'm finished. I am done.
Speaker 1:If we have to feel this, then let's do it. Let's just throw down now and feel it. Let's get through it. Let's get over it. Let's get to the other side already.
Speaker 1:Because if memory time is really memory time and it's really in the past, then I refuse to let it be my present. So let me come full circle my way. Even if that's not good enough for you, that doesn't actually bother me a bit. And I'm sorry if this is a cranky pants podcast or if I sound angry. I'm not angry at the listeners.
Speaker 1:They understand what I'm saying and what I'm feeling. I'm angry at the past. I'm angry at my parents. I'm angry about life being this hard for this long. But that's okay.
Speaker 1:Do you know why? Because it's brought me back to my senses and seeing very clearly, honestly, how powerless I am, how unmanageable my life is, and facing the truth of how hard things have been and what that hard was and what it means is exactly how I make now time different. So understanding all of that with all of that passion and energy and honesty that is brutal and raw to feel, much less to say out loud, is what has left us just fine in our house. We are okay with the children. We are okay with the husband.
Speaker 1:We are okay with the pandemic. We are providing for ourselves. I am providing for us one day at a time. The husband and I are present with the children, taking turns working and helping them, taking turns with chores and playtime, taking turns with the house and playing outside. We are happy.
Speaker 1:I know this doesn't sound happy because everything else had to come out, but it's the getting everything else that brings the happiness the rest of the time. So, yes, this is in the background, and, yes, the podcast is there to let it out because it's not like we have therapy anymore or ever again. But seeing it and getting it out of the way as what has made us okay inside the literal house with the new actual family on the outside. Our days are slow and gentle, are careful and kind, are happy and smiling, eating well and moving and playing, dancing and kickball, walks every morning, cooking with the children and teaching them what we know, even when I don't know how we know what we know, except I do. But I don't want to be sick anymore and I'm not going to be unwell anymore.
Speaker 1:Because understanding that it wasn't a choice is what makes it a choice. Understanding what was wrong is what gives me my power back. And my fierceness is not because I am bad, it's because I'm back in my own skin, living my own life. And if a podcast is part of what my life is, then that's what we'll do. If that's the only thing good and real and raw and vulnerable that I have to give to the world, then I'll keep putting it out there.
Speaker 1:I just needed a hot minute to get myself together. That's all I've got to say today.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.