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Calamity Jane receives an unusual request during the last performance of 'The Great Calamity' in Sioux City.
Calamity Jane guides a theatre troupe across hostile lands while fleeing the ghosts of her past. (Western/Full-cast audio drama)
Calamity Episode 1: I Am Calamity
INT. DEADWOOD COUNTY JAIL ‘PRESENT DAY’ - DAY
Sounds: Footsteps as the Sheriff enters Jail.
SHERIFF: Morning, Jane.
Sounds: Chains jingle as Jane sits up in her cell cot.
JANE (teasing): Long time no see, Sheriff. You here
to set me free?
SHERIFF: On the contrary.
Sounds: He closes the door and drags a chair front and center
across her cell.
SHERIFF (CONT’D): I’m here to take your final
statement.
JANE: I already told you what happened. You got the wrong gal.
SHERIFF: Judges think otherwise.
JANE (annoyed): Who cares what they think? They weren’t there.
SHERIFF: But you were. So I don’t understand why you’re lying.
SHERIFF (CONT’D): This is serious. They would’ve hanged you already if
it weren’t for the incoming storm.
Sounds: She paces, chains jingling as she approaches the cell
bars.
JANE: Why am I not surprised?
SHERIFF: Tell me the truth, Jane.
JANE: I did! And even if I didn’t what’s
the point? You said it yourself,
they got it out for me. Dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t!
SHERIFF: A man’s dead. His family wants to
know what happened, they deserve
justice.
JANE: Think there’s any of that justice leftover for me?
SHERIFF: That depends on you. Talk to me, Jane. Tell me what happened out
there.
Sound: The window rattle with the first pelts of the incoming
storm. Jane sits on her cot.
JANE: Alright. Where do I begin?
Sound: Cue Calamity Main Theme by Kevin Macleod.
Location: INT. RUSTABOUT SALOON - Night
SHERIFF (V.O.): Start at the beginning. You were at
the Rustabout Saloon that night. Alone?
JANE (V.O.): That a crime?
SHERIFF (V.O.): Were you drinking?
JANE (V.O.): Nothing but water of course.
ROLAND: What’ll it be, Jane?
JANE: Whiskey neat.
ROLAND: Wouldn’t serve it any other way.
ROLAND (CONT’D): Thought you’re meant to be on your best behavior tonight?
JANE: You don’t think I am?
ROLAND: Yeah ask me again after your last round...here! Letter came in for you this
morning, Jane. Another one from your secret admirer...that poor pathetic sap.
JANE: Thank you kindly.
ROLAND: I'm not sure if it's a love letter or a death wish. But telling by all the x's and o's all over it, I'm pretty sure it's a death wish.
JANE (V.O.): All it said was ‘enjoy the show’. Same writing as before, no signature.
SHERIFF (V.O.): That’s all it said?
JANE (V.O.): Scout’s honor.
JANE: Says I should stay until after the
show.
ROLAND: I don’t want any trouble Jane.
JANE: Then keep me hydrated, Roland.
Sounds: Drums announce the main attraction.
Sounds: A bullwhip cracks the air.
FAITH: Halt-ye filthy scourge for I have
arrived!
Sounds: Drunken audience cheers.
FAITH (CONT’D): I’m Calamity Jane and you will respect my name. Might even have some fun later if ya’ll behave.
FAITH (CONT'D): Now, let me show ya’ll how handy a bullwhip can be.
Sounds: audience ramps up the enthusiasm.
JANE (V.O.): There she was, my nightly dose of ‘The Great Calamity’ performance. All sass, no class and too many admirers...I don’t know how she did
it but we sold out night after night...
SHERIFF (V.O.): I’m not interested in your girlfriend, Jane. Focus. Who else was there that night?
JANE (V.O.): The usual suspects.
ROLAND: Faith’s gonna need some backup.
JANE: From what? Horses?
ROLAND: No. From them...
BRIAN: Make way, make way, move it! Can't you see it's VIP only?
REED (drunk): There she is! That’s my Faith!
BRIAN: You don’t give up do you...oh my god... I see why now...hot damn!
REED: See Brian!!! Told you I’d find my beautiful Faith again.
BRIAN (teasing): Hey you know I saw her first right?
FAITH: For my next performance, I’ll whip an apple right out of my volunteer’s hand. All they gotta do is get on this horse here.
Sound: Annoyed horse.
FAITH: Who’s the bravest of ye all?
Sounds: Audience members fight over themselves.
REED: Right here, sweetheart pick me!
MALE #2: No, me!
MALE #3: Over here! I’m here!
BRIAN (to his men): Pipe down, yer drunk! ah boys.
Brian (to Faith): Ma'am I’d be of service. Course’ there won’t be much left to tame when I’m through.
FAITH: Oh wow, so many brave souls!
REED (pleading): Please, let me up! come on now sweetheart you know I’m good for it.
FAITH: How about you?
MALE #2: She ain’t even interested!
ROLAND: Looks like you’re up.
JANE: I ain’t finished my drink.
REED: Pleeeeeease let me up!
FAITH: What do you say there, hun? Care to help a girl out? I’m parched.
JANE: That right there is mine.
REED: I’ll buy you another drink! Can’t you see my Faith needs fuel to start the party?
REED (to Faith): Darling...where were we?
Sounds: Faith laughs knowingly.
FAITH: She wasn’t talking bout’ the drink, sugar.
REED: Her? You choosing her over me?
JANE: Wasn’t much of a choice now was it?
REED: I came to every show...I’M YOUR NUMBER ONE!!!
ROLAND: Walk it off, Reed.
BRIAN: Not without some compensation. We
came here for a show, that's all there is to it. Ain’t that
right fellas?
Brian’s crew begins to jeer.
BRIAN: You hear that? Those are your customers & they're always right.
FAITH (to horse): Goodness Dutchess, you’re impati--
JANE: GET DOWN!
Jane shoves Faith aside, right into Roland who drops his
shotgun to catch her, as Reed charges up from behind.
JANE (V.O.): He drew. I shoved Faith out of the
way and put a shot in each limb.
Sounds: Jane fires two rounds from her revolver.
Sounds: Reed cries out in pain. Both shoulders shot.
Sounds: Crowd commotion.
JANE (to Faith): You alright?
FAITH: I--I think so, yes...what hap--?
ROLAND: I’m fine too, Jane. Thanks for asking.
BRIAN: Hey! Reed? You alright, buddy?
REED: Nghhhh...She...she shot me!
BRIAN: The hell was that you cheap witch? Man was only tryin’ to have some fun!
JANE: You boys ain’t having fun now?
BRIAN: I’ll show you --
SHERIFF (V.O.): You disarmed a man. With a bullwhip?
JANE (V.O.): Who says I did? that was all Faith’s department. Startled my horse enough to trample over them boys on his way out.
Location: INT. RUSTABOUT SALOON - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Sound: Jane pours a drink.
FAITH: That’s quite the show for one night.
JANE: By the way, his name ain’t Duchess, it’s Dutch. You know it riles him up.
FAITH (playful): Well if my woman bought me my own horse, I wouldn’t keep stealing hers.
JANE: Nuh-uh. Not since she’s seen the way you ride.
FAITH: Think Dutch will come back?
JANE: He knows who feeds him. I’ll check the barn in a bit.
JANE (CONT’D): Where’d you learn to use a bullwhip like this anyways?
FAITH: An actor doesn’t kiss and tell.
JANE (playful): That right there’s a lie.
FAITH: Have you heard me tell a soul of your actual stories? How you single-handedly stopped a dozen traincars from being robbed, healed the sick, even served with the cavalry front lines and all. I perform the story of a legend but the woman is all mine.
Sound: Jane laughs lightly and paces.
JANE: Is that what they say?
FAITH: Are you not impressed?
JANE: So she’s out there living and killing. Not much to write about. Less to perform.
FAITH: I disagree, there’s plenty more interest in that than these stunt shows Dante writes. Besides, there’s one thing they don’t mention often but its true.
JANE: What’s that?
FAITH: The real Calamity, she’s got the softest gaze when it’s settled just right...
Sound: A knock against wood. Captain speaks from behind it.
CPT. O’ROURKE: Calamity. I’m sorry to interrupt but this here’s urgent.
JANE (mildly irritated): I have to go.
FAITH (teasing): So long as you come back to me in one piece. You hear?
JANE: Loud and clear, darling.
Sound: Door opening.
JANE: You missed the show, Captain.
CPT. O’ROURKE (teasing): Not so sure about that. Sounds like Faith has yet to make an honest woman out of you.
JANE: She tries. What brings you to Sioux city?
CPT. O’ROURKE: The war. I need your help, Calamity.
JANE: Nearly lost my head last time I helped.
CPT. O’ROURKE: Life of a scout ain’t glamorous, you knew that.
JANE: What exactly can I do for you?
CPT. O’ROURKE: The Cavalry needs you to locate a horse. My horse.
JANE (dismissive): Of course.
SHERIFF (V.O.): What did he really mean?
JANE (V.O.): Exactly what it sounds like. Captain O’Rourke loved Danger...his
horse that is.
CPT. O’ROURKE:...My squad made a stop near Denison back in Iowa. Enemy ambushed us at the riverbeds.
JANE: Any idea what they wanted?
CPT. O’ROURKE: They wanted us dead & not delivering info to Ft. Pierre.
JANE: What kind of info we talking about?
CPT. O’ROURKE: The kind that gets men killed. Help me find that horse before it’s too late.
JANE: Any survivors?
CPT. O’ROURKE: I don’t think so. Enemy is nestled along the main roads, would’ve picked us off by now.
JANE (V.O.): The Captain for all his faults is a decent man. It’s his ambition and cryptic nature that makes him dangerous. Nearly got me killed. I wasn’t eager to repeat that mistake.
SHERIFF (V.O.): Stick to facts, Jane. It’s the least you can do.
JANE (V.O.): You wanna hear what happened or not?
CPT. O’ROURKE: Where you going?
JANE: Home. It’s late and I need my beauty sleep. Tired of people who can’t be honest with me.
CPT. O’ROURKE: Wait.
CPT. O’ROURKE (CONT’D): That horse is carrying plans. Battle plans, allied locations, everything General Miles’ is gonna need.
JANE: Another war campaign? Have you learned nothing from Little Bighorn?
JANE: Besides, you know I don’t march to the beat of a drum no more.
CPT. O’ROURKE: But you’re still the best tracker & scout I’ve ever known. Find those plans, Jane. Then we can all go home.
JANE: Thanks but no thanks. Had enough close calls for one lifetime and I ain’t helping you kill more innocent folk.
Sound: Jane’s boots start heading for the door.
CPT. O’ROURKE: Keema led us straight to an ambush.
JANE: You’re lying.
SHERIFF (V.O.) (Surprised): Keema Ballo? Why would the Captain
hire an outlaw as a guide?
JANE (V.O.): She ain’t no outlaw.
SHERIFF (V.O.): Her crimes say otherwise.
CPT. O’ROURKE: I read her letters, she was headed to meetup with you tonight once she finished guiding us.
JANE: Well she never showed. Besides, I doubt she’d be working for you anyways. Find a stable boy for your horse hunt, I ain’t doing it.
CPT. O’ROURKE: Suit yourself, but like it or not she’s an outlaw now. I don’t want her dragging you down with her.
Sounds: O’Rourke walks over.
CPT. O’ROURKE (CONT’D): I really hope you’ll reconsider my offer. The army will pay generously.
JANE: Sleep well O’Captain, my Captain.
Location: INT. DEADWOOD JAILHOUSE 'PRESENT DAY' - DAY
SHERIFF (V.O.): Likely story there, Jane. Convenient too.
Sounds: Chains rustling as Jane paces her cell.
JANE (V.O.): Told you. Your minds already made up.
SHERIFF (V.O.): I just want the truth. Who killed
Captain O’Rourke and why?
JANE (V.O.): Patience, Sheriff. Best is yet to come.
Credits read by Sarah Ruth thomas: