Doctor Movie: Episode 303: X-ray

Show Notes

its Doctor Movie time and we take the worst trip to the hospital ever to deal with a psycho killer. Lets get in the booth and talk about the early Cannon horror flick X-ray.

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Barbie Benton has the worst experience in the hospital ever.

But, you know, kind of don't mind seeing it with her kind of running around.

Wait a minute.

I hear something.

Hey, everybody, welcome back to Doctor Movie, your favorite show that's talking about movies.

Wow, we're driving down a road.

We're getting to a strange one here.

First time watch for me.

And it comes out in 1981.

This is early, early Cannon films.

If you know what I'm talking about when I say Cannon, the Golden Globus Company Cannon, which becomes iconic as we go on.

This is one of their early movies in their attempt of trying to get into the horror genre.

And it's, I don't know, we'll talk about it.

The movie in America is called X-Ray, but I think it was more widely known as Hospital Massacre, which is, you know, such a bland, terrible name.

But it probably makes a little more sense.

This is directed by Boaz Davidson.

Or Boaz Davidson, however you want to say it.

It looks like Boaz.

Same guy that did The Last American Virgin, which is, I mean, to me, such a great, overlooked film.

If you haven't seen that one, you can go back and look up the episode I did for that one.

Man, what a movie that can break you at the knees.

If you, you know, I don't care who you are.

It's such a weird combination of teenage angst, growing up movie, and then the severity of heartbreak all at the same time.

It's a heavy flick.

It's like you're watching it, and it's like, it's kind of Fast Times of Ridgemont High and Animal House, and then it just takes a left turn at Albert Turkey and just drops you with a backbreaker.

Anyway, so the director of that, the original version of that was called Lemon Popsicle, and for, I think it was a Greek movie, and they remade it and made it the last American version.

Highly recommend it.

I don't know that this guy needed to make a horror movie, and that's kind of where we stand on this one.

Let's see if we can find some stuff about this one.

It got a 4.9 out of 10.

I'm going to tell you, folks, that's a pretty high rating for what I saw.

Okay, so here we go.

Here's the synopsis.

Matt Harold searches in the hospital to find the patient who refused to be his Valentine 19 years before.

This is a Valentine's movie.

Yeah, if I would have known that, I would have done this around Valentine's, but I did not know that.

It doesn't really matter, except for maybe two scenes in the whole movie.

But anywho, let's see.

Do we have a wide of watch?

I would love to see some wide of watches on this.

Here we go.

I've got a couple here.

Intense performances, harsh violence, and ambitious stunts?

Yeah, maybe.

There is one pretty good stunt in it.

Hospital Massacre isn't the best scripted movie, but it's still a great slasher flick.

Well, I tell you what, being it's 1981, maybe so.

And we'll talk about the influences of where I think this movie even came from.

Overall, this is a fun, old school 80s slasher that is worth your time, but just an average addition to the genre.

Yeah, that's really what I feel like.

I really feel like this is one of those kind of cash grab movies, right?

Where, hey, here's an opportunity.

Hey, this camping movie is really doing well.

Can we not make something like that?

Sure.

It's really what I feel about this one.

And again, the only person to really talk about in this is Barbie Bitten.

If you don't know who Barbie Bitten is, Playboy model, I know her from being on Hee Haw.

She was one of the Hee Haw honeys.

Absolute knockout.

Beautiful, beautiful lady.

And, I mean, that's price of admission for me just to check out the movie.

She is striking.

The only problem with Barbie Bitten being in this movie is the opening of this movie.

Where these kids, it's a brother and sister, and they're playing again.

I think they're brother and sister.

I could be wrong.

Could be just a local kid that she kind of likes.

I don't know.

But this young girl is playing a game with this young boy.

I mean, they're probably nine, ten years old.

It's the girl's birthday, I think.

No?

Is it her birthday?

Or is it just Valentine's Day?

That shows you how much I paid attention.

But she decides, well, what it is, there's another boy that's looking through the window, and he leaves a card at the front door.

It's a Valentine's Day card, and the boy's name is Harold.

And the girl gets the card, she opens it up, and she's kind of like, ooh, Harold, ooh, you know how little girls are.

And kind of throws the card down on the ground, and of course it upsets the kid who's standing outside looking.

She decides she's gonna go get a piece of cake.

I'm just assuming it's a birthday cake, because why else would you have a cake?

I don't know that you just have a Valentine's Day cake.

It doesn't make a lot of sense.

But anywho, it's a Cannon film.

What do you expect?

She goes get a piece of cake, and she pulls a knife out of the drawer that even Crocodile Dundee would go, holy crap, that's a knife.

The knife reaches all the way, it's a round cake, and it reaches both sides of the cake.

No problem.

It's almost a machete.

But here's the problem.

This little girl is as blonde-headed as you can get.

There's no doubt this kid is blonde-headed.

Barbie Benton is a knockout brunette.

She is known for being a brunette.

So we're supposed to suspend our belief that when she grows up, her hair just turns like raven black.

So that's kind of a difficult thing here.

But anywho, that leads up to, while she's away getting the cake, this other little boy gets killed.

And we're thinking Harold did it, right?

And he...

I don't know how Harold's got superhuman strength, but he picks this other kid up and kills him on a coat rack.

Like runs the coat rack into his mouth and kills...

You don't see it.

You just see the kid hanging on a coat rack.

Basically more of a hat rack.

And I'm like, how did a kid that's the same height as this kid pick another kid up that high?

So this doesn't make any sense.

Anywho, flash forward.

All these years later, Barbie Benton's been married, she's got an ex-husband, she's got a daughter, the kid is gonna go stay at the dad's while she goes by the doctor's office to pick up some scans that she had done.

And on the way there, when they get to the hospital, this is the way you set this movie up.

She's with her new boyfriend, whatever.

They're engaged, I think.

And they pull up to the hospital and go, hey, isn't that hospital where that guy went crazy and was killing a bunch of people in here?

And she's like, ah.

And I'm like, wouldn't you just know that?

I mean, why is that a thing that you just bring up?

Wouldn't you already know that before you even got there?

That this happened at this hospital, and this is when you bring it up, is when she's going inside.

You're like, that's kind of lame, right?

So she goes in here, and somebody is going in here, and messed with her files, changed her x-rays to where things are coming, and it's all a trick to get her to be stuck in the hospital.

So we're assuming it's Harold after all these years at Fulton Killer, which, surprise, it's Harold.

But I'm going, when you watch this movie, the length that this guy goes through, all the things that he does just to get her stuck at this hospital to do all this, you're like, why wouldn't he just wait till she's home and asleep, break in through a window, and kill her?

Why would you go to a hospital, hide there, start killing doctors just so you can replace the files so it makes it look like she's got a bigger problem than she really does?

You're going through and just killing random people when all you're trying to do is to get to the one.

It's just, I don't know, man.

It's a weak setup.

I mean, the kills are pretty standard for the time.

But again, this is a...

They're really just trying to...

Hey, you know what people are scared of?

They're scared of needles.

They're scared of going to the doctor.

They're scared of all these people walking around in doctor's masks.

So they're really playing on those phobias.

And I get it, right?

But it's really just kind of a lame way to do it.

Movies got a lot of filler.

There's lots of just walking around.

And I even watch this movie at 1.5 speed.

And I'm going, wow, this scene is taking forever.

And that's at one time and a half faster than normal.

So I can imagine watching it at normal speed.

Yeah, it's just, you know, it plays on those fears that everybody has about going to the doctor, finding out something you don't want to find out.

So it does those things well.

I just think the premise for it is just so lacking.

And again, this guy went above and beyond to make this happen, for something to happen 19 years ago where she just threw down his Valentine's card.

It's...

I don't know, man.

It's a little too much of a reaction for such a little thing.

So I don't know.

I think they just kind of overshot that.

Some more time for details might have helped this movie.

You know, other than that, I mean, the performances are pretty good.

It's just lacking.

And I'm not saying that's a horrible movie.

I'm just saying that when you start putting the pieces together, you're like, well, again, here's early Cannon making a horror movie.

And I really think that's kind of all you need to know.

The only problem is it doesn't deliver on that Cannon level that we're used to of being just crazy enough to make it spectacular.

It's not.

It's just missing that, which is what Cannon kind of becomes known for.

I mean, us fans of bad movies, Cannon is like top shelf bad movies for us, man.

I mean, Ninja III, that's all you need to know.

Ninja III is the answer for everything.

I could talk about that movie forever.

But this one is just lacking that element.

And it's still not bad.

If you're kind of a completist, then obviously you need to see it.

But as far as a slasher, I guess for the time that it came out, this probably did okay.

Because you're playing on those spheres, and it's all still kind of new, the whole slasher idea.

But there is no doubt, even musically, there are things in this that are very, very Friday the 13th.

It's almost like, hey, can you rewrite this theme from Friday the 13th and just change it just a little bit so we can make it ours?

Because we really like this music.

That's kind of the feel I get with some of this.

So there you go.

I'll give it a 3 out of 5.

And almost kind of begrudgingly on that.

It's almost more like a 2.5, but I'll go ahead and give it a 3 because of Barbie Benton.

You know, she's just one of those people I grew up with and just, you know, just kind of awestruck with, you know, just how pretty she is.

And you know what?

Not a bad actress.

This is kind of past all the modeling days.

Not a bad performance on her part.

Like I said, performances are fine.

It's just, it's the story that's lacking some stuff.

So enter at your own will.

It does have a couple of Valentine Day stickers that kind of pop up in it.

But you know, it's okay.

You know, it's just okay.

It's just kind of lacking in the development of the why.

So there you go, folks.

That's my thoughts on X-Ray or what do I say?

The name Hospital Massacre, if you want to call it that.

So enter at your own risk, right?

And that's all I got for this one.

If you got recommendations, please let me know.

I will be glad to try to get those on this show and try to make you happy.

All right, folks, we will check you later.