Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Scripts Aloud brings drama right into your ears. By using text-to-speech software, theater scripts go from the page into drama, every week. Typically 10-minute scripts are presented in each episode. It's like having a Theater Festival - right on your phone!
Smarty Marty, by Rick Regan, November 2020
SCENE 1, FARMER TOM’S BARN, RURAL IRELAND, PRESENT DAY,
MORNING.
TOMMY opens the door, sees his horse MacGuire but
the stall next to the horse is empty.
TOMMY
Well, MacGuire ol’ boy. I guess it’s time. You’ve been alone long enough I suppose. The
grief has run through us both, run it’s course. The fever is gone. I think it’s time to head
into town now and see if there is a smart-aleck horse to match you in the harness. No big
fella is going to be a match for ol’ MacDougal, bless him, but maybe there will be one
with a sense of humor for you, you mischievous rascal. When they say down at the pool
that there should be no rough horse-play, be-god I know the meaning of it. Why, reminds
me of the time, years ago, ya’know, there was the two of ya’ in the turf, hitched up sidebeside, and weren’t the two of ye’ devils throwin ’ peat at each other, sideways like.
Christ, the scrubbin’ it took that day to clean youse two up. Heh. Yeah, old MacDougal,
I’ll miss him for sure. A good horse, him. Well and away I’ll go then. I’ll be back in a
couple of hours time.
(exits)
SCENE 2, MORNING AT THE MARKET IN COROFIN, IRELAND
The market has vegetable sellers with potatoes, carrots,
etc. There are cheese , milk and egg sellers, and fresh
flower vendors. At the end there is a stable with various
horses and animals for sale..
Above one stall is a sign, “Mule for Sale, Best Offer”
The mule in the stall has a sign around his neck that says,
“I am Marty. I am a bad mule.”
TOMMY
(looks at the horses, then sees the mule sign)
Well now, what is your crime, Mister Marty? Did you trample the veg in the garden or
eat all the lettuces to the nubs? Heh! A bad mule.
JIMMY
(enters, sees his friend Farmer TOM)
Tommy-boy- o, if it isn’t yerself. Why it would be near on a year I’ve seen ya’. Where
have ye been keepin’ yerself then?
TOMMY
Ah, Jimmy. It is true a light in my day, to see you , sir. You’re lookin’ well. Have ye’
been after the barman for the tomato juice, instead of the black stuff?
JIMMY
Tommy, ah-surely I haven’t seen you in an age. Have ye’ been alright then?
TOMMY
(glum)
Well, ye’ know, perhaps ye’ heard, it was my old boy MacDougal, went down last
November. He was a good horse but he was a trouble maker.
JIMMY
Sure, yeah, I remember MacDougal. Great broad chest on that one. Fine, pretty legs for a
draught’er.
TOMMY
Ah, indeed. Ye’ know the very one. Well, himself and MacGuire were out on the turf
field in back, just horsin’ around, trying to make each other laugh, don’t ye’ know.
JIMMY
Heh! Like they do.
TOMMY
Well, sure now, don’t I look out my kitchen window, seeing those two rascals, and they
just having a right pissing contest?
JIMMY
What do ya’ mean, Tommy? A pissin’ contest?
TOMMY
Sure and aren’t they both measuring out, in steps, which o’ them two can piss the
furthest.
JIMMY
I’ll be damned! Horses?
TOMMY
Right!
JIMMY
Ah, well, can’t come down too hard. Been at it myself, down the pub.
TOMMY
Ya’ suppose it’s just in the male nature, like a character thing?
JIMMY
Could be, Tommy, could be. But, tell me, which one was the winner?
TOMMY
Ah, Jimmy, there I am having a right laugh at these two, when MacDougal hits the wire
on the electric fence. The volts go right up the stream, straight through his willie and
stops his heart. He jumped a great mile, straight up, then fell to the ground like a sack of
coal. Never took another breath.
JIMMY
Christ on the Cross, Tommy! That’s a terrible thing to happen to a good horse.
TOMMY
Well, I chalk it up to him getting what he deserved from his devilment. And he was getting
up the years, you know, so it would have been that, or something else.
JIMMY
Still, it is a hard thing to lose a friend as true as MacDougal. So you’ve been consoling
yourself with the poteen then? It’s a powerful remedy but it does not lift the heart.
TOMMY
It does not, as you say Jimmy, lift the heart. I’ve had to put down the drink, six months
now, just to get out of bed in the morning. But, and this is the tough patch, the whole
thing has been even harder on MacGuire, what with him seeing his best pal drop dead in
the field, and the stall next to him quiet and dusty.
JIMMY
Ah, sure, the poor devil. Loneliness is rough on a smart horse.
TOMMY
It is, Jimmy. It is indeed.
JIMMY
So have ye’ come to town to sight a new pal for your MacGuire, is it?
TOMMY
It is, Jimmy. It is indeed.
JIMMY
Ah well, steer clear of this fella. He’s not worth the feed I give him.
(points a thumb at the mule, Marty)
TOMMY
Why, sure, this is your mule, is it not?
JIMMY
It is, Tommy. It is indeed.
TOMMY
What’s his crime, that you’ve got him for sale? You raised him from a foal. Why ya’ doin’
this, Jimmy?
JIMMY
Ah, Tommy, I’ve outsmarted me-ownself, ya’ see.
TOMMY
Have ya’ now?
JIMMY
Aye. Ye’ see, Tommy, I’d gotten a book, from the Internet, ya’ know, on how to teach a
mule to speak.
TOMMY
Ye’ didn’t?!
JIMMY
Aye.
TOMMY
And now ye’ feel the fool, for spending the money, on the Internet? For you can’t teach a
mule to speak, now can ye’?
JIMMY
Well, ye’ wouldn’t believe me if I told ye’, but sure as the sun comes up, this mule
learned to talk. Now he’s driving me daft. I can’t take it, is all.
TOMMY
Why that sounds like a grand thing, Jimmy. Teaching a mule to talk? Amazing!
JIMMY
No, it is not, Tommy. It certainly is not. Ye’ see, I wanted to understand the working of
the animal mind. To hear, in his own words, the experience of the mule. But what he’s got
is a head full of rubbish. First all he talked about was how hungry he was, so I fed him
and then fed him some more. Soon I realized he was having me on. And by the hair-on-myhead, wasn’t he getting just as wide as he was long.
TOMMY
Playing you the fool, Jimmy, the useful idiot?
JIMMY
Indeed he was, Tommy. But that’s not the thing that’s got him in this pickle now. It
certainly is not.
TOMMY
Oh, what’s that then?
JIMMY
Sure, didn’t Marty get himself into a box of old film magazines, about celebrities and the
like.
TOMMY
No! The devil.
JIMMY
And now he’s obsessed with the great ones of the silver screen from the early-twothousands.
TOMMY
Is he?
JIMMY
Aye. Scarlett Johansson, ye’ know. Helena Bonham Carter, it is. Kate Blan-chette, even!
TOMMY
(laughs)
Jesus, Jimmy, you’re havin’ me one. Sure, this whole thing, talking mule. And didn’t I
just believe you? Ah you’re swell, Jimmy. Heh!
JIMMY
No! It’s true. It’s all he goes on about! Driving me mad. I told him, he damned-well better
behave himself here so that he can be a pox on some other poor soul.
TOMMY
Aww now, Jimmy. Yer’ pulling myleg. He’s right here. If he can talk, why don’t ye show
me?
JIMMY
Ah, once ye’ get him started, he won’t shut up...
TOMMY
Ah, you’re lying, Jimmy. Go on with ya’.
JIMMY
Well, Tommy, all I will say is that you can take the blame yourself. Alright, Marty!
(yells at the mule)
Marty! Wake up, now. What’s on yer’ demented mind this morning, Marty?
MARTY
Can I get a hot dog? You got a hot dog?
(to Tommy)
Can you get me a hot dog? Foot long, schmeer of mustard, lots of relish. Lots of relish.
TOMMY
Christ! I can’t be-lieve it. A talking mule!
MARTY
C’mon. You got thumbs. Get me a hot dog. I like hot dogs.
JIMMY
(exasperated)
Ah, here we go with the hot dogs...
MARTY
Hey, is that Helena Bonham Carter over there?
(both men turn around)
Ha! Made you look!
JIMMY
Oh, devil in heaven...
MARTY
Is that Kate Blanchette? She could saddle me up all day. I’d ride her around all night.
(Jimmy puts his hand to his forehead)
Can you put Scarlette Johannson in the stall next to me? I swear I won’t peak when you
are washing and brushing her. I swear. OK, I’d look. You can hitch her to the cider press
with me and I’d walk around in circles all day. Maybe not Winona Rider though. She
looks like she smells bad.
TOMMY
What is this?
JIMMY
I told you. He got into a box of tabloid magazines. I get them from the news agent in town
when they are expired, and he’s going to throw them out. I put them through the shredder
and spread them in the barn in winter. But he chewed a box open and flips the pages with
his tongue. He’s obsessed!
MARTY
I want to plow a field with Maggie Gyllenhaal. She’s got nice ears. She could nibble on
my ears. I would look at her ears when we are hitched up in the side-by-side. She has nice
ears. I wonder what she smells like. Probably like fresh cut grass. Or barley. Mmmm...
TOMMY
I see the trouble you’ve got here, Jimmy.
JIMMY
I blame myself, and myself alone. Had I not worked to teach this beast to speak, all
would be well. It is myself alone to blame.
TOMMY
Ah, cheer up, Jimmy. There will be a buyer along soon. And you’ll be rid of him.
AUCTIONEER
(enters, sees Tommy and Jimmy)
And who have we got here? Jimmy, it is yourself. And ol’ Tom, you’re a hard fella, ain’t
ya?
TOMMY
Mick, what is it for you today? Why the special hat?
AUCTIONEER
(takes off hat that says “Special”)
Sure, look, Tom. It’s a Special Hat. I’m an auctioneer, you know.
TOMMY
Ye’ don’t say! Auctioneer? How’s that work, then?
AUCTIONEER
(puts hat back on, pulls out notepad and
pencil)
Well, like this, then. This mule here, for sale, what would you give for him?
TOMMY
Well, I don’t know, like. Maybe, a Euro note.
JIMMY
It’s a talking mule, Tommy! Worth more than that, sure.
AUCTIONEER
One Euro, one Euro. I have one Euro. Can I get two? Two Euro, two Euro..
TOMMY
I suppose I could see two..
AUCTIONEER
I have two Euro, two Euro. Can I get five? Five Euro, five Euro...
JIMMY
But he can talk, Tom.
TOMMY
Well, all right, five then.
AUCTIONEER
Five Euro, five Euro. Do I hear ten? Do I hear ten? Ten, ten, ten, ten. Ten Euro.
JIMMY
I trained him myself, Tom.
TOMMY
Maybe ten.
AUCTIONEER
Ten! Ten, ten, ten. Is there twenty-five? Twenty-five, twenty-five. Can I get twenty five?
JIMMY
You’ve got MacGuire all alone at home, Tom. Think of the horse for a moment.
TOMMY
I suppose twenty five is not too much for a friend for Macguire.
AUCTIONEER
Twenty! Five! Twenty-five! Do I hear One HUNdred? One Hundred? One Hundred for
the talking mule? A mule that talks folks!
TOMMY
Jesus, no!
AUCTIONEER
Is there Fifty? Fifty! Is there fifty, for the talking mule? Fifty!
JIMMY
But he talks, Tom. Maybe he can teach the other horse to talk.
TOMMY
Hmmm. Maybe. Ok. Fifty.
AUCTIONEER
FIFTY! We have fifty! Can we have one HUNdred? One HUNdred! One HUNdred!
TOMMY
Full stop, no. Fifty, and that’s it, Jimmy.
JIMMY
But he can talk. I taught him myself.
TOMMY
Full stop. I’ll give you fifty.
AUCTIONEER
Fifty! Fifty. Going once! Fifty! Going twice! Fifty! Fifty! Fifty Euro... SOLD! Fifty
Euro for the talking mule.
(slaps his note pad like a auction gavel)
JIMMY
Well done, Mick!
(shakes hands with the Auctioneer)
TOMMY
(gives Jimmy Fifty Euros)
Well, I’ll take him back and see if MacGuire can make some sense with him. Do youse
know anybody who’d be into making a film like, of a talking mule?
AUCTIONEER
I’ve got a cousin, you know, who does such things in Cork. I’ll put him on to ya’, Tom.
TOMMY
T’anks Mick.
AUCTIONEER
Good day to you, gentlemen.
(Auctioneer leaves, tips his hat)
TOMMY
(hitches up Marty, leads him out of stall)
Well, Jimmy, I’ll be seeing you. Thanks for the mule.
JIMMY
But Tommy? Why did you get the mule? He’s a right ass.
TOMMY
Well, Jimmy, my thinking is this, if he can learn to speak, and read about film stars, then
maybe I’ll feed him some financial magazines. Maybe he’ll have an eye for the
undiscovered growth-stock like, or sports teams that might be a solid punt. But really,
Jimmy, I’m thinking of the You-Tube.
JIMMY
The You-Tube?
TOMMY
Right. If I feed him some news papers or political type things, maybe wit’ a Go-Pro, I
could make a few of them memes, ya’ know, on the You -Tube. That would be cracking
good fun, wouldn’t it Jimmy. A mule that says the strangest things about the councilor up
the road, or the prime minister. I suppose the real money is in the American Market
though, saying silly stuff about the President. That would be sound.
JIMMY
You’re on to something there. I like it. I’ll adjust my settings for the You-Tube channel
and watch for ya.
TOMMY
Well, we’ve got work to do so I’ll be off then, Thanks again, Jimmy
(walking out with MARTY)
MARTY
Where are we going? We going for hot dogs?
TOMMY
To the Kate Wins-lette’s house, Marty.
MARTY
Oh, Kate Wins-lette! I like her ears. She’s got nice ears. I’ll nibble her ears all night.
TOMMY
Sure, you will, Marty. Sure you will. And the Mi-chelle Pfeiffer too. Sure.
MARTY
Oh boy! The Mi-chelle Pfeiffer too, ya’ say? Oh boy! I like her. She could ride me all
day. All day.
(exit)
END