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THE podcast for navigating all things midlife with honesty, humor, and heart
Heidi (00:12)
Hey there. Before we get started, I just want to take a second to say thank you so very much for tuning in and listening to the Evolving Together podcast. Your listening truly means everything to us as we grow this baby podcast. And if you would, would you follow us wherever you're listening? That gives us the signal that we are doing the right thing and you are happy to have us here. Because we sure are happy to have you listening.
Also, I think by the time you finish listening to this episode, you will have thought of at least one person you can share it with. If you would do that, that again would mean everything.
So thank you so very much for being here. Now let's get on with the episode.
Heidi (00:56)
I am here with my BFF of 35 plus years, Susan, and we just got finished talking about adult children living at home.
If you haven't listened to that, I highly recommend that you do. I don't know what episode it's going to be because we are still in the process of figuring out our sequence of things, but it was a good conversation. So if you are in that position of having adult children living at home, definitely check that out. And if not, and you're curious about the inner workings of how that works and how it doesn't work, stick around we're going to cover
I guess it would be more of the challenges, I don't wanna say cons, because it's not good or bad, but the challenges of living at home with adult children and being married, and we could also throw in there, it's a blended family, so it's not necessarily the kid's dad or mom, in our case it's their dad.
So I have three children. One lives on her own. Two of them live here in and out because of college and living in Europe and things like that. My husband is my second husband and is not their biological dad.
They have a relationship with their biological dad, but we divorced in 2021. I've always had at least one child living at home. Usually two, same two. Although actually at one point I had three of them living at home on and off because my daughter, when she graduated college, I lured her back with...
with a studio apartment at the end of my house that I used to live in for a really good rent. I said, well, if you take the job on the coast, you could live here and not pay very much. And it actually was a really, it was a win-win because it helped me with my mortgage because I was a single mom suddenly trying to pay my mortgage. She had a job just out of college that, you know, she's in broadcast journalism and
They
don't make a killing, so she's also my producer now, but that's another story. But at that time, it was just me and the kids. Then I met my husband and we bought another house and now I have two children living in and out. So Susan, you have a very different situation because you've actually been with your husband a lot longer.
Susan (03:25)
Mm-hmm.
Heidi (03:26)
He's known the kids since they were little, so.
Susan (03:28)
Yes,
yes, so I have three, he has three. They are actually all around the same age. Again, like a year, give or take, know, either direction, right? And they, let's see, So they've known him, what, since 2014. We married in 2020. And...
Right now, his three live with his ex, so their mom, their biological mom. My oldest lives of the house, she has roommates. And then I have the other two, sort of the middle and the youngest live at home. And I just wanted to say, there was this one period of time where I actually was an empty nester for a brief four months, maybe six months.
And I remember thinking, my gosh, like, I'm an empty nester. I'm a part of that, like that, that crowd, that group, right? And then I went about and like changed all the rooms, right? And yeah, I was, yeah.
Heidi (04:34)
I remember that. Yeah, you got into your decorating mode and it was like every
room was like you were at an Airbnb and it was, yeah.
Susan (04:41)
Yeah, I was like,
I made some guest rooms and then I moved my office because I worked remotely from home, But I think I must have made almost every room in this house my office. Because I couldn't, I'm like, I have so many rooms to choose from. It was
Heidi (04:56)
That's right.
Susan (04:57)
really, really silly. anyway, yeah, but now I've got two back and...
Yeah, you know, trying to figure out what that means, I don't know, you for me and how to live with that, right? And not like live with that, like blah, but live with
Heidi (05:15)
Yeah.
Susan (05:15)
that like, all right, now what's in my future, And like you said, it's another adjustment, my husband
Heidi (05:20)
It's another adjustment, really. Yeah.
Susan (05:23)
and I, yeah, like we're trying to figure out our next sort of thing and I don't know, you know, just figuring it out one day at a time.
time.
Heidi (05:35)
Yeah.
And I think of.
So my husband's great. I mean, I have to say he has taken in my kids as his own. That said, he did not know them when we got together. I mean, we were just getting to know each other. He had a house, I had a house.
and
then we bought a house together, renovated that house, and then we moved in after we got married when it was done. So it was kind of a little non-traditional, but it worked for us. And my youngest was still in high school. So he got to know him more than the other two pretty early on, I would say. But it's so interesting to watch adult relationships form that are forced.
Susan (06:24)
my gosh.
Heidi (06:26)
Because, know, like in your situation, your husband knew your kids, he watched them grow up, he watched them through all the teen angst and all the things
Susan (06:36)
Mm-hmm.
Heidi (06:37)
that helped develop us as adults. Mine kind of came in and was like, here I am now living with not just another adult, my wife, I'm living with two other adult males
Susan (06:52)
Hmm.
Heidi (06:53)
who leave their socks.
laying around and their shoes and they don't wipe down the table They don't put the tie on the bread and close it up. They don't put the mayonaise
Susan (07:04)
You
Heidi (07:05)
away and things like that, which is annoying for anybody. But it's just an interesting dynamic when you get remarried and you have... And also, we were newlyweds and we've only been married for a few years. How many years? Let's see, 20.
I'm so bad at it. three years, we've been married three and a half years. Yeah, yeah, okay. And then trying to find that intimate time together where it's not awkward for the adult children in the house because they're like, mom
Susan (07:41)
man,
Heidi (07:43)
and Don are going off to do it. They don't wanna hear about it. They don't wanna think about it. But that's happening. It's like, I'm not dead.
Susan (07:52)
Oh my gosh, you know what my husband would say, he'd yell like hey, I'd be like, the kids. And he'd
Heidi (07:59)
Yeah.
Susan (07:59)
say, you know what, they might hear and he'll say, well I don't care, well maybe that'll make them want to move out faster.
Heidi (08:11)
it definitely would. am sure. They'd be like, my God. I hear.
Susan (08:16)
And now he's like totally like walks around. Sometimes he has to run quick from like the bathroom, and get something in the bedroom and he's just taking a shower and I'm in the bedroom and the doors are open and he'll just run
Heidi (08:29)
Yeah.
Susan (08:29)
through all naked or he'll go check the laundry all naked and go whatever. And I'm like, they are still here. He's like, whatever, it's my house. I'm like, Seriously.
Heidi (08:40)
That's actually good.
That's a, mean, that's an, it's a, that's a better, in a way it's a more relaxed, you know, I mean, I will, have a funny story to tell you. This is before our master bathroom was done and he got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom down the hall, gets up butt naked, walking down the hall. Well, my older son had friends over.
And
they'll stay up late, you know, it's like 2.30
Susan (09:06)
Yeah.
Heidi (09:06)
in the morning, you know, we all have to get up and pee at that hour at this age, you know. So he
Susan (09:10)
Yeah.
Heidi (09:10)
gets up not thinking anything of it. He's walking down the hall. And I don't know if it was my, I think it was my son or one of his friends walked in from the back porch and was like, whoa, okay.
Susan (09:23)
Hahaha
Heidi (09:24)
I don't think anyone said anything. They just kind of pretended like they didn't see it. He's like, no, he's like, nobody wants to see a.
What do you say a 62 year old fat man? I don't know what he said something, but I thought, my God, it's probably burned into their head. You know, I just thought that was funny. mean, and stuff like that happens, you know, it's just, it's
Susan (09:45)
Yeah. Yeah.
Heidi (09:47)
if you can't laugh about it, you know,
Susan (09:49)
Yeah.
Heidi (09:49)
but I think it's, it works both ways too, because
Susan (09:53)
Mm-hmm.
Heidi (09:54)
when your kids have boyfriends, girlfriends, the whole
Susan (09:57)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heidi (09:59)
spending the night thing and
Like that's another
Susan (10:03)
Yeah.
Heidi (10:04)
whole area of like, you allow it? Do you not allow it? Do you have to, do you tell me when you're coming home? Do you tell me when you're leaving? I mean, I have rules. I guess there are rules. I have expectations, I guess. And I'm sure you do too.
Susan (10:21)
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I you know, I tell my kids, you know, we're not a hotel, you know, we're
Heidi (10:26)
Mm.
Susan (10:27)
not, you know,
you know, coming and going at like really awful hours or bringing people over. I think that to me is the big one. I mean, if I don't know their friends, I'm not really comfortable having them over and stay all night or even sleep over or certainly be over when we're not at home. So I think of the friend
Heidi (10:47)
right. Yeah.
Susan (10:49)
rule is, is, is really important. My kids don't tend to be people that stay out all night anyway.
If they're gonna stay out, they tend to just spend the night at a friend's house, So I feel lucky in that way because I never really had to worry about it. But I had to say it, right? As a mom, we have to say the words.
Heidi (11:12)
Yes.
Susan (11:14)
We have to say the words, you know? But anyway, where were we going?
Heidi (11:20)
Yeah. Well, no, I was just saying
like, you know, the expectations of it's not a hotel. Like this is, this is my house. And then they'll say,
Susan (11:26)
That's right. Yep.
Heidi (11:28)
well it's your house and not my house. And there is a weird thing that happens there too,
Susan (11:32)
Yes.
Heidi (11:33)
because my husband and I bought this house. They don't always feel like it's their home, even though it is their home, but it's also
Susan (11:37)
their house, right? Right. Right.
Heidi (11:42)
in a way it's kind of, it's not their childhood home. Yeah.
Susan (11:45)
That's right, that's right. Okay, and
you brought back, okay. And then the, like the girlfriend, boyfriend, staying over thing,
right?
Heidi (11:52)
Yes.
Susan (11:52)
So I'm actually, okay, for the girls, was actually, once I got to know the boyfriends, right, and my daughters also were very particular
about making sure that their relationship was at a point where they were comfortable enough to introduce the boyfriend to us, There's kind of this whole progression, right?
Heidi (12:13)
Yes.
Susan (12:15)
And I mean, I'm not an old fashioned, really prudy Christian,
Heidi (12:22)
Prude.
Susan (12:25)
if I'm allowed to say that.
Heidi (12:27)
You are you can say anything you want
Susan (12:29)
And so that was, we were comfortable with that. And we're lucky that...
in the few situations where that happened, the boyfriends were really nice. So was good, they were good people, for the most part. And so I think it will be kind of interesting, my son, he's not dating. Not sure when he really wants to spend time and effort in that area. I think dating now is different. Yeah,
Heidi (13:01)
He's smart, no, he's like.
Susan (13:03)
I'm not rushing him.
But I don't know, I feel like that might be weird, different. You know, because you're older sons, you have older sons, and they have been dating and date and that kind of thing. I don't know, is it weird when it's your son?
Heidi (13:24)
Well, it's-
It's interesting that you say, I have to think about that because when my daughter was my roommate, I'll say more roommate, because
Susan (13:37)
Right.
Heidi (13:37)
we were living together but our paths only crossed in the kitchen. She
Susan (13:41)
Right.
Heidi (13:41)
was very busy, I was busy, and we would see each other maybe once a day when she'd come home from work but then she'd go right back to her apartment and she needed to decompress. We basically had our own lives. It was nice,
Susan (13:53)
Mm-hmm.
Heidi (13:54)
we knew each other was there.
but we were definitely more roommates than like a child living at home. And that's what I wanted because she really did not want to go from living on her own in an apartment back to living with mom. That was a big
Susan (14:06)
Mm-hmm.
Heidi (14:06)
thing that we really tried to, I think we did a good job with that for the most part. So if she had anybody over, she wouldn't always tell me, I don't think. But a lot of times it would just come up in natural conversation.
sometimes she would have like four or five people spend the night in her apartment. she had, her besties from college, you know, and, you know, guys, girls, whatever, they would just all pile in. She had a fold out bed and a king bed and an air mattress if she needed it. if there were a lot of people, she'd probably just casually mention, hey, Landon and Emily are coming or whatever.
And
she didn't really tell me so much if she was coming and going. If she were gonna be gone for the night somewhere or out of town, she would tell me.
Susan (14:51)
Mm-hmm.
Heidi (14:53)
But now, since we're in our house and the boys, and they have had girlfriends, again, I'm not okay with anybody just coming to spend the night. Like if it's their own apartment, you know, that's a different story. They can do whatever they want. It still is my house, my rules.
Susan (15:07)
cap, it's different. Yep.
Yep. Yep.
Heidi (15:12)
So
I guess there's that there's that they don't pay rent, but they also have to abide by our rules, which we're not super strict I mean they can have friends over and hang out if they have friends
Susan (15:21)
Same.
Heidi (15:22)
spend the night they have to ask And they're really good about that they don't just
Susan (15:24)
Yep, yep, absolutely. Yeah.
Heidi (15:29)
have someone show up and I wake up in the morning and I'm in my pajamas and I see one of their buddies coming down the stairs like well hello there
Susan (15:35)
Yeah. Right, right, right,
Heidi (15:38)
We don't have
Susan (15:38)
right.
Heidi (15:39)
those kind of surprises.
Susan (15:41)
Same.
Heidi (15:41)
And I think it would be that way even if I were a single mom in my other house or now married. I don't think that that would necessarily change because we do have that good respect, which is really I'm very grateful for that.
Susan (15:51)
Right. Yep.
Heidi (15:55)
I have occasionally said I don't want anybody coming over. I don't need other people in the house right now. And when they do spend the night, they basically take care of themselves.
I used to run around and get pillows and help. I was like, no, they're adults. They don't care.
Susan (16:08)
Mm-hmm. I know, right?
Heidi (16:13)
You know, these are, these are college kids or whatever military. They don't care. They don't care if they have a pillow or a blanket. So I'd go
Susan (16:20)
Yep, that's right.
Heidi (16:22)
and I go crazy. I don't do that anymore.
Susan (16:24)
Yep.
Heidi (16:24)
I do ask if they are going to be out and not, and they're going to be out late. I do ask for them to tell me or if they're going to spend the night somewhere. I want to know because I want to know if I should worry.
You know, if
Susan (16:37)
Yep.
Heidi (16:37)
like, if they say I'm going to a party and I'll be home later and then they don't come home, are they dead on the street somewhere or did they just decide to stay,
Susan (16:47)
right.
Heidi (16:48)
stay out? And I do make them have life 360.
Susan (16:52)
Yeah
Heidi (16:53)
they fought me on that because they're like, we're adults, you know, but the thing is I don't use it that often. I'd use it if I can't get ahold of them. And I'm wondering,
have they left yet or are they okay? And so when that gets turned off, I worry then, be, I mean, my daughter got stuck out in the middle of Mississippi one time, her car broke down and had to get a tow and then her battery started to die. I mean, all these things, just, know, worst case scenarios, you're like, no, I need to
Susan (17:26)
Right.
Heidi (17:26)
know you're okay. So after that, she didn't fight me on it.
Susan (17:31)
you
Heidi (17:31)
She's like, okay, I'll get life 360 now.
Susan (17:33)
you
Heidi (17:34)
Because she was like mom. I'm 23 years old or 22. I've lived on my own I pay all my own bills I shouldn't
Susan (17:39)
Right.
Heidi (17:39)
have to be on life 360 but I think she started to see the value of it and I'm on there too. So they know if I'm home or not. It's you know, so
Susan (17:46)
Right.
And I think too when you position it right like as a safety, a safety thing, I think that's, I think that makes sense. And it's funny, I don't do that. I don't do, I don't do like 360 or anything like that. When they were in high school, yeah, when they
Heidi (18:01)
Used to, but I got older. Yes.
Susan (18:05)
got in high school and then, and then it's funny because now they all watch each other. And then I did get a little indignant and I was like, how come no one wants to know where I am?
Heidi (18:18)
That's a good one.
Susan (18:18)
But
yeah, but anyway, no, I know it's a big thing. My husband does it with his kids. They're all in a Life 360 thing. I'm like, you know what? I'm off the grid, whatever.
Heidi (18:30)
Yeah, it's funny because I didn't do it when they were in high school and that's probably when I should have also but I don't know. I just started
Susan (18:37)
I know, right?
Heidi (18:38)
older. I guess it was more of a work, they drive back and forth to school and there's
Susan (18:42)
Yeah.
Heidi (18:42)
some really long stretches of nothing from here to North Mississippi so I think that was probably part of it right there but.
Susan (18:46)
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well,
and you know, I think we're a really good example of how you can, you know, how you're just different parenting, right? I mean,
Heidi (18:58)
Yeah.
Susan (19:00)
I think I heard, I can't remember where I heard this, but it's this, it's probably some parenting expert, but said something to the effect of.
You know bad parenting, right? There is such a thing as bad parenting, right, for sure, right? But
Heidi (19:17)
For sure, for sure. I've seen, yes.
Susan (19:21)
there are also lots of good parenting and good ways to parent. And so that's why I think as parents, as women, as mothers, it's important to be more supportive than judgmental, right? Because there's more than one right way to raise a child.
Heidi (19:41)
Mm-hmm.
Susan (19:44)
Whereas,
Heidi (19:42)
For sure. Yeah.
Susan (19:44)
yes, there are bad ways to raise a child, which is kind of like across the board, like, okay, we all can agree on that, but we
Heidi (19:55)
Mm-hmm.
Susan (19:56)
also can agree, right, can't we, that there's also many right ways to raise a child.
Heidi (20:01)
Yeah, I would
agree on that. And I think it's nice to be because we're figuring out all this in real time.
Susan (20:08)
We are, we
Heidi (20:09)
And
Susan (20:09)
are.
Heidi (20:09)
that's exactly why I wanted to have this conversation on the evolving together podcast because we're like, okay, is this normal? Am I being too soft? Am I being too hard? Is this right for my family? I give myself permission to do these things, give my kids space? I just think there
is no manual. so having
Susan (20:27)
Mm-hmm. No.
Heidi (20:30)
this platform to be able to talk about all these things has been really good.
Susan (20:32)
Yeah.
Well, can I add one thing, a perspective?
Heidi (20:36)
Absolutely.
Susan (20:37)
So my son, the youngest, right, he's home and he is not working right now. He's unemployed. And he's looking. And I think if I were just to describe him to some sort of general person.
They might say, he's just lazy. and he's, you know, I've talked to you about him, right? You know,
Heidi (20:58)
Yeah.
Susan (20:59)
he's lazy. He's just, you know, taking advantage. you're enabling him, Susan. You're not putting enough pressure on him. You're not, you know, doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not doing. And, and I remember having this conversation with my husband because he is very old school and
sort of what sort of how he thinks parenting is. I mean that's the way he was raised. Very kind of dogmatic, very black white, right wrong, German. You said it, you said it not me. Yeah.
Heidi (21:32)
German. I can say that. Yep, I can say that. Very German.
Susan (21:39)
Yeah,
yeah, and so he was also one of the people that was putting pressure on me to really try to whip him into shape or give ultimatums or whatever it was, right? And I finally said to him, and I don't know where he is, he might hear me say this, but that's okay, and I said,
and there's a point to this, is I said, you know, do you realize with his background and what experiences that he has gone through, I said that his nervous system, I feel like...
This he's here. The fact that I've tried to make this a stable home that he's actually his nervous system, I think, is finally kind of calming down a little bit. He's feeling safe. He feels at home. You know, that child out of all of my children has really bounced around and has really had some tough, tough things happen to him in his growing up and a lot of tension and conflict with his biological father.
and he has bounced around a little bit as we were trying to figure out what's best for a young boy, young man with ADHD and all of the things. And I kind of lifted this pressure off of myself to say, to put a timeline together, these expectations, because I think I was just trying to...
to get in his head a little bit and realize that.
this may be the first time in a really long time where he actually just feels safe. And do I need to boot him out of the house because that's the expectation because he's 20 and so now he should have figured it all out. Right. And I think the point of it is every child in your family has had a different life experience even though you they've had the same parents and it seems like they've had the same life. You know they haven't. And so
when you're struggling about trying to figure out your adult children and where they should be and the progress of adulting, I would say, I don't know, it's just like your parenting, it's very individual to the child.
Heidi (24:16)
Yes. And to your point, think every we talked about that before in the other episode as well as this one. It is each child is unique. we try to keep that fairness,
Susan (24:29)
You're right.
Heidi (24:29)
but they all have unique needs. think is it Gabor Maté? What is his name? He's gosh.
want to say Ja Ja Gabor. it's like, that's
Susan (24:42)
Ha
Heidi (24:42)
what the name. I'm going to have to look it up. But he talks about, You can have all your children and same parents, but they're getting different parents because, yes, because they're different children and they're
Susan (24:55)
That's right, I've heard that. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Heidi (24:59)
getting parented at a different time of a different age from us and from,
Susan (25:04)
Yeah.
Heidi (25:05)
and I thought that was.
brilliant. It's not just
Susan (25:07)
Yes.
Heidi (25:09)
order, you middle child, first born, you know,
Susan (25:11)
Right, right.
Heidi (25:12)
it's not that at all. I mean, that plays a role, but
Susan (25:15)
Right.
Heidi (25:16)
it's I thought that was such a unique way to look at it. And I think that
Susan (25:18)
Yeah.
Heidi (25:19)
that is exactly, you know, he's had his own experiences that your other two haven't and mine haven't.
Susan (25:25)
Right.
Heidi (25:26)
so giving him that space is it's beautiful.
Susan (25:30)
Yeah.
Heidi (25:30)
That's a really, you know, I mean, it's it's it's a good place to be in. So.
Well, we got a little off track from talking about blended
Susan (25:38)
Yes.
Heidi (25:39)
families in a way with living with them, but I think this has been a good conversation as far as like looking at some of the, some of the issues that come up with adult children living at home.
Susan (25:52)
Mm-hmm.
Heidi (25:53)
I think this is an important conversation because we're not the only ones going through this
Susan (25:56)
Right.
Heidi (25:57)
and, and some people are our age and have children living at home that are
Children, children, can't help you there. God bless you. I don't know how you do it because if
Susan (26:09)
You're right.
Heidi (26:10)
I had any children that were not like full on adults right now, I could not handle that. know, no, I'm, I'll be happy to have grandbabies here and there. And I
Susan (26:16)
with you. Yeah, I don't have the energy for that anymore. The stamina. Yes.
Heidi (26:23)
do have some step grandbabies and I still just, they're my grandbabies. I got seven of them. And
Susan (26:27)
Wow.
Heidi (26:27)
that's another whole conversation becoming a grandmother literally overnight. So.
But that's for another episode. Thank
Susan (26:35)
Yeah.
Heidi (26:36)
you so much for sticking around and continuing the conversation. Yeah, love you.
Susan (26:38)
You're welcome. Thank you. I
love you. Bye.
Heidi (26:46)
and now for the disclaimer. This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. The views expressed are our own and should not be taken as medical, legal, or financial guidance. always consult a qualified professional regarding your specific situation.
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