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That’s Not Very Ladylike is the podcast for every woman who was told to be polite, stay calm, or stop being so dramatic, meanwhile her hormones, boundaries, and sanity were quietly falling apart.
Hosted by Tracey Willingham, licensed social worker and the voice behind That Hormone Girl™, each episode starts with one rule: Ladies don’t…and then they do it anyway.
Together, we unpack the unspoken expectations, the emotional labor, the generational BS, and the hormone chaos modern women are carrying and we get honest about what it actually takes to feel like yourself again.
If you’re ready to question the rules, trust your body, and stop shrinking to make everyone else comfortable, you’re in the right place.
You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week, we start with one rule, ladies don't, and then we do it anyway. I'm Tracy Willingham and you might know me as that hormone girl. In today's episode, we're staying loud and raising a little help by talking about ladies don't show how smart they are, they downplay it. Welcome to another week of That's Not Very Ladylike. And this week we are talking about something that I've been really excited to talk about.
Tracey:And I mean, let me just start. Okay, so this week we're talking about ladies don't show how smart they are. They downplay it. And let me just like preface this. Like, I didn't go to like MIT.
Tracey:I'm not some like genius. But we're going to break down some things today that I'm kind of tired of women having to maybe be forced to hide behind or not really get to name it. So we're going in ladies, and I'm very excited. So women learn early that intelligence can make other people uncomfortable. And we learned very quickly soften your answers, make sure you add qualifiers.
Tracey:Why are you saying what you are saying? We even laugh things off so we don't sound too confident, too certain or even too much. And learn to be smart quietly. And what I mean by that is this is how things are going to sound when you're quietly smart. It's going to start with things like, I could be wrong, but this might not make sense, but I'm probably overthinking it, but And it's not because we're unsure, but because certainty in women is often read as arrogance.
Tracey:So when I was in college, I learned something that was really formally not taught, but that society had placed inside of me with gentle, little, tiny reinforcements. Being smart is useful, but it's not attractive. So I was not the kind of smart that just happened. I am not one of those that just wakes up in the morning and I'm like, I got it. I know what that means.
Tracey:I'm on it. I know that theory. I'm a tenacious smart. And there's probably a lot of you out there. I want to know and I'm going to figure it out and I'm going to keep at it until I figure it out.
Tracey:And if I don't know, I'm going to ask somebody who does. I'm to keep working at being smart. And it's that kind where like you study longer, you ask the questions, and you just really refuse to give up. And so in college, what I realized is that kind of smart made me actually kind of valuable in the classroom. Because here's the thing, I was a great partner on a group project.
Tracey:Someone people wanted on their team because, man, this means a better grade. This girl's here and she's ready to work. But also, let's be honest, I was in my twenties and I was a girl. I mean, I'm still a woman, but I was I was a young I was a young lady. So and then I am free in college.
Tracey:I am also very interested in the male species sitting around me. So the same guys who were happy to work with me, I started to realize they didn't want to date me. And they definitely didn't want me to talk about my accomplishments. That was boring. Like, Okay, are you done talking about that?
Tracey:And they definitely didn't want me to say out loud that I was proud of myself because that's just weird. Like, what are you doing? Okay, fine. Be proud of yourself. And I started to learn each group project that being smart was acceptable as long as it stayed useful and quiet.
Tracey:So I was allowed. I could help them succeed, but don't you dare outshine me. And definitely don't name intelligence your intelligence because that's going to make me uncomfortable. And I learned quickly that confidence made some boys insecure. And because I was this young, young girl, I wish I could just go back in time and be like, Girl, I'm from the future.
Tracey:Listen to me. But because I was a young woman, instead of questioning that dynamic, I began to question myself. And so I started being a little quieter, and I downplayed how hard I worked. And I did. I stopped saying how proud I was of my grades and my efforts.
Tracey:And I learned how to be impressive without being obvious. Because what I learned was being smart is fine. Being aware of it was not. Because now you are bragging. And what I didn't realize then was how early that lesson would begin in my life and then unfortunately how long that followed me into relationships, into careers, into rooms where I already knew the answer.
Tracey:But somehow I turned into this young woman that waited for someone else to say it first. And then I even started to get self esteem off that. Like, somebody else said it, I knew it. Oh, that feels good. But keep it inside.
Tracey:And I started learning that this really wasn't about intelligence, it was about permission. Who is allowed in the room to own their competence? And who was expected to make it easier for others to feel comfortable and competent? Because here's the thing, Most women, we do not doubt our intelligence. We are smart people.
Tracey:We doubt whether it's safe to show it because smart women get labeled intimidating, difficult, not a team player. Let's go with a few other ones that are just horrible but aggressive, ugly, not attractive. So instead of saying what we know, we ask questions that we already have the answer to. Instead of leading, we defer. And instead of correcting misinformation, we can stay silent and let it slide.
Tracey:But that silence has a cost. So let's sit with this. Let's consider this. Dimming your intelligence doesn't actually create harmony. It creates monitoring.
Tracey:And what I mean by that is we are constantly scanning and monitoring, and we're asking ourselves these things whether we realize it or not. Is this too much? Should I say it differently? Did that land wrong? Everybody went real weird in the room.
Tracey:Man, I should've softened that, shouldn't I? And that constant self editing is labor. It's invisible labor, unpaid labor, and exhausting labor. And it teaches your nervous system that being fully yourself isn't safe. And another thing to consider, I mentioned this word earlier and we're going to dive in, accuracy is often mistaken for aggression when it comes from women.
Tracey:So clarity gets framed as bluntness. She's too blunt. Being certain gets framed as an ego. Well, she's just full of herself. Incompetence is always framed as a threat by the insecure in the room.
Tracey:And it's not because you're doing anything wrong, but because many systems are built on women translating their intelligence instead of trusting it. So when you stop the shrinking, when you start saying what you know you need to say, the discomfort isn't proof you're wrong, it's proof that something has shifted. And here's a harder question, and I still to ask myself this one. Who benefits when you doubt yourself? Let's do it again.
Tracey:Who benefits when you doubt yourself? Because I'm going tell you, it's rarely you. You are not benefiting, my friend. There's also something that happens for many women over time. So you start to shift, especially as we get into our midlife.
Tracey:I'm in perimenopause right now, and I'm a totally different woman. And your pattern recognition starts to sharpen, your tolerance for nonsense definitely drops, and you start to see connections faster and more clearly than you ever have before. And that's not because you're arrogant. It's because you're accurate and you know you're correct. But accuracy, accuracy disrupts systems that rely on women staying quiet, agreeable, and unsure.
Tracey:So instead of trusting ourselves, we'll turn inward, and we'll say things like, was I too direct? Should I have explained that more gently? Oh gosh, did I make someone uncomfortable? And meanwhile, that discomfort of shrinking yourself keeps building and pretending not to know what you know requires effort. You've got that tone checking.
Tracey:You better check that tone. You better soften that approach and you better have about four to five backup soothing senses. I didn't mean it that way. Oh gosh, let me clarify more. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Tracey:We start apologizing for knowing what we know, and we're not being arrogant. And I'm just going to lay it out there. Men speak the way they need to speak all the time. And sometimes they're like, Man, that guy's a jerk. But guess what?
Tracey:Everybody just keeps working. But goodness gracious, let a woman speak a truth, have more knowledge, and share it in a room, and suddenly you better apologize because you have made us uncomfortable. And I want you to know that's not humility. It isn't humility. It is self erasure.
Tracey:You are erasing yourself from the conversation, from being a respected person at the table who sometimes And I think people misunderstand what knowledge means. The way I look at knowledge, yes, some of that is book smarts, some of that is life experience. There are some really smart people in this world who have lived through so much and figured so many things out and probably haven't one book. So I want to be clear. When I'm talking about smart people, I'm talking about all over.
Tracey:You've got book knowledge. You've got life knowledge. You just got it all. So let's take some space here because this really isn't about becoming louder or proving anything. So I don't want you all to feel like, well, gosh, now Tracy says I got to go into my next work meeting and be like, everybody shut up.
Tracey:It's time for me to speak my truth. So instead of asking yourself how to be more confident, I want you to just sit with these and see what you think. Where do I downplay what I know even when I know I'm right? Where have I learned to ask permission to speak instead of just trusting my insight? Who taught me that my intelligence needed to be acceptable or make others comfortable?
Tracey:And what would change if I let myself speak the truth and the knowledge that I know without caution, without concern for your comfort? What if I did that just once? And as you think about these things, notice what comes up. And again, it's not to fix it. We're not here to judge it.
Tracey:We're just recognizing it. Because again, awareness is always the first, it's like the first place you go to stop shrinking, to start healing, to start giving yourself that permission to be you. Owning your intelligence also doesn't mean you know everything. I don't know where that has come up, but so many women that I've talked to, it's like we feel like if you own your intelligence, people just think you say you know everything. I'm very knowledgeable on several topics.
Tracey:There's probably another thousand I know nothing about. But I am smart in what I do know. And what it means is I trust what I know. And it means I speak my truth and I don't offer any apology for you. And it means I'm going to let my insight take up space without managing how everybody else at this table feels.
Tracey:And yes, let's acknowledge it, that is risky. It can feel risky and it can be risky in certain situations. Because we are, as women, we are rewarded for being agreeable, not accurate, for being pleasant, not precise. But here's the truth. The world does not benefit from women hiding their intelligence.
Tracey:The world benefits when women trust it, lean into it, and use it. And you don't need to prove how smart you are. I don't want you to feel like you've got to go out now and be like, ask me some questions, pull out trivial pursuit, let's go. I think we all just need to stop pretending that we're not smart. So if this episode is landing for you, but you're one of those that's like, hey, toss me a little permission.
Tracey:Here we go. Here's your permission, my friends. Say the thing you know. Take up the space that your insight requires. Let your truth, your knowledge, your wisdom replace the caution.
Tracey:Because showing how smart you are is not being arrogant. And that is the most unladylike thing of all. Thanks for joining me today for that's not very ladylike. If today's episode lit a fire, pushed your buttons, or called a little BS on the stories we've been sold, share it with another woman who's tired of being told to tone it down, smile more, or play nice. And help a girl out by making sure you subscribe, leave a quick review, and catch me on Instagram at that hormone girl.
Tracey:And until next time, keep getting loud, messy, and raising hell because being ladylike is overrated.