The art of self-forgiveness (S10E8)

Show Notes

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I debated about whether to call this the art of forgiveness OR the art of SELF-forgiveness - and the second one won out… for reasons I’ll share.

We’re often told as children that we have to forgive another child for hitting us, hurting us, taking the toy we really wanted.

We’re taught we need to be the bigger, better person and RISE ABOVE the lowly behaviour shown by the other child.

This is curious in many ways.

Because embedded within that are SO many messages - not all of them that helpful. And I'll explore some of these as we go.

And while we might have been taught we 'must' forgive others, there is also the view that the only place forgiveness is truly valuable is in forgiving ourselves.

And that can be the hardest thing of all.

Listen in to hear more about why it may not be our 'place' to forgive others - and how we can learn to forgive ourselves.

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Unknown: And oh,
that can be the hardest thing of

all.

shame, and guilt, and pride, run
deep.

And all three of them, along
with many other things can get

in the way of self forgiveness
welcome to the podcast that's

all about deepening our self
awareness with profound self

compassion. I'm Henny, I write,
coach and speak about how

exploring our inner world can
transform how we experience our

outer world, all founded on a
bedrock of self love. Settle in

and listen and see where the
episode takes you.

Forgiveness is something I'm
surprised we haven't covered so

explicitly on the podcast
before, though really, if I

think about it, we cover it all
the time. And I debated about

whether to call this episode The
Art of forgiveness, or the art

of Self forgiveness. And the
second one one out for reasons

I'll share as we explore this
topic.

Were often told as children,
that we have to forgive another

child for hitting us hurting us
taking the toy that we really

wanted. We taught we need to be
the bigger better person and

rise above the lonely behaviour
shown by the other child.

And this teaching is curious in
many ways, because embedded

within that are so many
messages. And not all of them

are actually that helpful. Not
least the we're actually

learning to subsume our own
wants and needs or to subsume

our own pain at what has
happened. And it was

interesting, I discussed this
with a teacher friend of mine,

who talked about the fact that
she actually teaches the

children in her class, they're
kind of year six. So age around

sort of 1011
She actually teaches them that

what you do is you accept
someone's apology, you don't

have to forgive them. But what
you do have to do is accept that

they have apologised.

Have to, maybe I'll I'll check
with her whether she actually

teaches that. But I think the
essence is that she recognises

that when we do teach children
that they have to forgive

another child for hurting them.

That is a lifelong lesson that
they're taking on into

adulthood. And I'll talk a bit
more about why that can be not

so useful at times.

Because
in relation specifically to

forgiving others, a teacher of
mine told me a few years ago,

that forgiving someone was
actually part of creating and

maintaining an invisible
hierarchy.

And it means that when we adopt
a stance of forgiving someone

else, we're saying,
I am in some way better than

you. I am being so magnanimous,
expressing such large s, that I

can be the bigger person and say
you you are forgiven by me,

lucky you that I am so
forgiving.

Which takes us straight back to
that moment in the playground

when we get praise from the
teacher for being good and

forgiving. Looking down from our
lofty height on the child that

did wrong. And that establishes
a hierarchy.

When we all know that the stuff
that contributes to our actions

is actually very far from a
clean line between right and

wrong. Things are rarely that
binary. And I'm reminded of the

quote in the Bible, you know,
let he who is without sin cast

the first stone.

So the challenge as adults with
this stance is that when we're

the one in the wrong,
particularly when we feel guilt

or shame for what we've done,
what we're really looking for

isn't forgiveness, but
acceptance.

We might say
A that we want forgiveness, of

course, it might even be the
thing that we asked for. But my

sense is that we really need to
forgive ourselves first. And

I'll come on to that in a
moment.

But when we are accepted by
someone else, with all our

flaws, it means that despite
having done or said something

that was in some way outside of
what we and they wish had

happened, that we are still
valid, that we are still

accepted as the flawed human we
all are, that we haven't been

rejected thrown out of the tribe
abandoned.

Acceptance is what it means to
express unconditional positive

regard to everyone, regardless
of who they are, and what

they've done. And Oh, my word
that can be so hard.

And it's the stance of the
therapist, the coach the

counsellor, to accept the person
they're working with, fully.

So my teacher would say, it is
not our job to forgive someone

else, it is our job to accept
them as they are.

And for me, it's really
important to say this doesn't

mean condoning their actions if
they've hurt us, or others or

themselves, or behaved in ways
that we know are beyond what is

truly beneficial, or that aren't
aligned with the highest good,

it means the simplicity of
seeing, acknowledging and still

accepting them as human.

And with that clarity comes
choice. For example, we don't

need to keep forgiving someone
whose behaviour never changes,

and who keeps hurting us or
others, we can choose to accept

someone and choose not to give
them more of our time, energy

power, attention than is
absolutely necessary.

Recognising that this place of
choice can often be complex and

non binary to and nothing is
ever really straightforward. But

the important thing is to open
ourselves up to seeing that

there might be another way of
addressing this whole idea of

forgiveness. And, you know, I
find this interesting to

explore. And, and also, what I
find interesting here is the we

can use this stance of
acceptance as another means of

creating healthy boundaries,
without getting lost in the

story of what was done by whom.

And we can leave that person to
do the work of learning how to

forgive themselves. And from
there make any amends or changes

they may choose to make.

Because of course, we often say
I forgive you, when really we

still resent that person, and
whatever they did.

And once again, this isn't about
calling out or naming what the

person has done. It's not about,
you know, this, the phrase kind

of letting someone off the hook,
you know, it's not about that.

But it's about acknowledging
them for the adult human, if

they are an adult, the adult
human that they are, and that we

are.

So whether this idea of it's not
our job to forgive others

resonates with you or not, or
resonates yet with you or not.

Perhaps there's something in the
idea, the without that deep

acceptance, forgiveness can be
meaningless.

So my second reflection today,
which was also inspired by that

same teacher, though, I don't
recall him saying it explicitly,

is that the only place
forgiveness is truly valuable is

in forgiving ourselves.

And oh,
that can be the hardest thing of

all.

shame, and guilt, and pride, run
deep.

And all three of them, along
with many other things can get

in the way of self forgiveness.

have
low self esteem being naturally

self critical. And growing up in
an environment of criticism or

abuse, for example, are things
that can contribute to real

difficulty in forgiving past
mistakes.

And some of our life conditions
can make us more likely to

experience guilt and have a hard
time forgiving ourselves. So

recognising that is really
important too.

But if we accept the stance,
that to be fully present, and

loving in the world, we need to
begin with ourselves, then it's

important to remember that love
is forgiving, as well as love is

for giving.

Love that little play on words.

And when we shine this light of
love on ourselves, we can find

self forgiveness also becomes
more possible.

So, how, how do we do that?

Well, as part of preparing for
today, I googled that question.

There are so many sites,
offering up the four 712 steps

plus the five A's, the four R's
and the golden rule, all

reflecting on different aspects
of self forgiveness, that, to be

really honest, I actually became
a little confused myself. And

ultimately, I think most is, you
know, polar one, that learning

self forgiveness. And learning
how to release feelings of guilt

is something that takes time and
accepting that is part of the

process.

Often, when we're stuck in the
place of shame and remorse, we

can find it hard to accept what
we have done or sad, etc. And we

can become rigid, perhaps
turning the tables so we find

ways to blame the other person
or blame something outside of

ourselves, instead of accepting
our own accountability. And I'm

going to do another episode on
this actually, because I think

this is really interesting, how
we divert attention away from

ourselves, in order to shift
accountability for our own

actions.

And I know I've done this, I do
this, I'm human, and we all can

do it at times. For me, it's
particularly when my inner child

or inner adolescent is in
charge, you know, the

embarrassment of having got
something really wrong, makes me

want to blame someone else, for
me feeling so bad, or a result

to being crossed with myself for
not managing my internal

dialogue better. And so the
cycle becomes vicious, rather

than virtuous, and you know, all
the parts, start getting

agitated. Lord, love them.

So recognising what we're
feeling is vital, really, really

recognising it. Seeing the
layers of emotion, the

resistance, the pain, the shame,
the embarrassment, the guilt,

the remorse, the pride, the
unwillingness to admit mistakes,

the unwillingness to admit
weakness, the unwillingness to

be vulnerable, the desire to
cover it all up and just pretend

everything's okay. The desire to
fall on our sword and wail that

everything is our fault. Maybe
some of that you recognise maybe

all of that, you know, it's the
joy of the human paradox that it

can all be present
simultaneously.

And then once we've been through
this phase of recognition, then

we need to enter that stage of
allowing ourselves to feel the

bad feelings. I've put the word
bad in enormous air quotes,

because there really isn't
anything bad about what we're

feeling is simply information
that we can choose to use in a

number of ways.

So we could sink down, hide out,
retreat. We could attack, blame,

resist, or we could acknowledge,
accept and allow.

And then it's about
investigating what might be

running alongside or beneath
these feelings.

has some wounded part being
triggered, that's contributing

to how you're feeling, maybe
amplifying what's going on

beyond what it might ordinarily
spark within you, making it

harder for whatever reason to
forgive yourself.

Maybe seeing, you know, is there
a pattern here, something that

you notice keeps showing up
maybe in the way you're

responding to something outside
of you, or to the environment

that you're in, perhaps meaning
you're behaving in ways you

don't really like or that you
don't feel like when you're

truly in your adult self. I
mean, my goodness, I recognise

that in me, there are some
environments where, for whatever

reason, I still need to develop
and deepen my understanding of

what activates parts of me when
I'm in certain group dynamics,

or certain geographical places
or spaces.

And the other thing here is
about investigating Are there

patterns in how you're feeling
about yourself. So really

bringing that healthy, kind,
compassionate curiosity to what

we're investigating and not
slipping into judgement about

it. And this is where
nourishment comes in, to care

for ourselves, to hold ourselves
with deep self compassion, not

berating, or attacking ourselves
for getting something wrong, or

for keeping on getting something
wrong.

This is where to the opportunity
comes for seeing if there's

something we can do, to resolve
what happened, making amends,

apologising, if needed, rather
than ruminating. And you know

wallowing about in that sticky
sea of shame that can start to

well up around us. And I say
that as someone who given half a

chance would love to have a good
wallow.

You know, and when we simply
ruminate, rather than

proactively reflect, we can get
stuck in these negative thought

loops. But when we proactively
reflect and embrace the idea of

practical compassion, which I
think this is all part of, then

we can focus on what we've
learned, and plan how to move

forward.

Now, you might have noticed that
this process I've just talked us

through is made up of four
stages that spell the pneumonic

rain. And for lovers of Tara
Brack, this will be very

familiar to you recognise,
allow, investigate, nourish.

And it's a tool that we can
apply to so many things. And

that feels very, very powerful
in practising the art of Self

gift, self forgiveness, which as
I've said, can be extremely hard

to learn, because there's stuff
that we have to unlearn first.

So my invitation here, is to
look inside now. And

actually, there's a lovely
journaling prompt here, if

you're a journaler. Is to begin
with the question What is asking

for my forgiveness?

And God, even as I say that, I
mean, that is a weighty topic to

explore, and, you know,
incredibly valuable.

So it might be something from
the past, it might be something

from yesterday or five minutes
ago. So how would it be to take

yourself through this process?

And again, you could do this in
your journal or you could just

do it on a walk, you know,
whatever feels good for you. So

recognise, what is it? What are
the emotions that come with it?

Allow, sit with whatever is
coming up without trying to shut

it down or suppress it.

Investigate? What do you see
when you observe with

compassion?

Nourish, how can you nourish
yourself to support yourself? As

you move through any learnings
from this experience? What can

you choose to change with love?

And this idea of forgiveness
came up in my own journal quite

spontaneously this morning, too.

I had no idea that was where it
was gonna go.

Oh, and I love how our
subconscious offers things up to

us just when they're needed. So,
I'm going to say goodbye now,

but I'm going to then read this
extract from my journal in case

you find it useful to.

And as you might know, often
when I journal, it's like

there's another voice that's
writing to me. And it's the same

part that writes the poetry and
the love letters in my darling

girl. And for me, I find it
comforting to know that voice is

there guiding me.

So I'm going to send you a hug
and a wave.

And I'll share with you this
extract from my journal written

this very day.

It begins,
place it all behind you. There

is no need to keep repeating
regretted words of the past.

Understand that was then and
this is now and there is no need

to create a seamless join that
extends one into the other and

on into future now's you were
there. That happened. That was

sad. They were there. That
happened. That was done. It is

finished now. See only for the
gold that lives within. Take the

learnings love it for what you
have learned, listening for the

parts that needed to be heard
that needed to be seen. And see

it for what it was a mirror to
look into. There was no other

way it could have been.

Yes, I see. You see that now,
shall I say it again. There was

no other way it could have been.

And when you understand that
this moment two can only be what

it is. And this and this. Then
you know what it is to

surrender. There can be no
regrets my love. That implies

you could have changed it.

But if you had known there was
choice at the time, choice you

were truly able to bring about
then you would have made those

choices.

As it was see the choices you
did make the ones that served

you and the highest good in the
moment. And the ones that serve

you and the highest good in this
moment. And this one and this

one.

I see you smiling now. Now you
see there is only one way things

can be and it is how they are
just as you can only ever be

your own magnificent You