Helping couples discover the why behind the what in their marriage with Chris and Beth Bruno and Tracy Johnson of ReStory Counseling.
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Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab with Restory Counseling, where we help you explore the why behind the what. Because guess what? We believe that your marriage is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be explored and enjoyed. We believe that the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. This podcast is now the audio version of our new YouTube channel, Thrive Marriage Lab.
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where each week you can expect us to help you cultivate connection and belonging without the fixing and tips and common things you often hear in the marriage space. So find us on YouTube or listen in.
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Hey guys, and welcome to today's video. Today I'm going to give you some very clear understanding of what the therapeutic separation is and what it is not and help you think through, is this something that my spouse and I actually need to do at this point in our relationship or are there some other avenues for us to pursue? Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab. My name is Chris Bruno and I'm a licensed professional counselor and the founder of Restore Counseling.
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And together with my wife, Beth, and our colleague, Tracy Johnson, we post videos to help you understand the why behind the what. Because we believe that when you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. So hopefully you've seen my previous video about therapeutic separation and what it is, and maybe a little bit more understanding of how it's different from a separation. So today, I wanna talk about some real clarity around what therapeutic separation involves.
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And there's three primary elements that I would say every therapeutic separation needs to have. There's gonna be variety and what that looks like and some specifics around your life, your family, your needs, those kinds of things. But these three elements really need to be part of every therapeutic separation in order for it to be therapeutic and not just a separation. So the first thing that is necessary is that both partners need to agree
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that this is what we're going to do. You might not be super excited about that idea, but as I said in the previous video, that a therapeutic separation is unto the healing of the marriage, unto the healing of the relationship. That there is a therapeutic aspect of it that we are gonna do some work in order for us to come back together again. And in order for that to happen, both partners need to say, yes, this is something that we're going to do. If one...
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If one partner, for example, just says, you know, hey, I really wanna do this, and the other partner is like, yeah, I'm not interested, then you can't actually do the work of bringing things back together again. You actually have to both agree that a therapeutic separation is the direction that you're gonna go. So that's kind of the first element, but around that first element is this, that you need a therapeutic separation document, that what it is is very clear and understood. Now,
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in a marriage that's been going on for a while that might feel really formal. It might feel like, oh, that's way over the top. We don't need a contract. We don't need whatever. But I find it really helpful that especially when both partners are agreeing that they know what they're agreeing to, there's really a lot of clarity around what we are agreeing to and if we're gonna document that out so that right from the beginning, we know what the parameters are, what the expectations are, what the timeframes are, all those kinds of things.
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so that we can agree to this. Sometimes in a marriage, especially that has come to the place of needing a separation, agreeing to something is actually the first step, right? It's the first step because so far it's been so many disagreements, so many challenges that if you can say, yes, I actually want to work together towards the healing of our marriage, that is really a great place to start. It's actually a great place for hope.
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to begin to live again. And so agreeing together around a document is the first element of a therapeutic separation. What it is that you are exactly agreeing to. Okay, so then the second thing is that inside that document, there is some real clarity around two main categories of things. All right, so first make sure you have the document.
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Second is the two main categories of things. The first category is a timeframe. Real logistical kind of things with regard to a timeframe, what happens with money, what happens with the living situation, what happens with kids if you have kids. So those four main things, what's gonna happen in each of those four main areas of logistics for the separation, make sure that those things are clear.
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So for example, a couple may have a house with a basement. Does somebody move into the basement in order to create space? Who, when, for how long? Does that partner that moves into the basement, do they ever move back upstairs and you switch? What is happening in that? Or does someone move out to a different apartment for a short time? Where and how is that gonna work? What happens financially?
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in order to support that other apartment or house or wherever you're going to live. What happens with the vehicles, what happens with income that is happening during the time of separation. Make sure that it's really, really clearly laid out so that you know, okay, so on Sunday to Wednesday, he's gonna be in the basement, and then Wednesday to Saturday, she's gonna be in the basement, or this is what's gonna happen when we have.
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money come in, we're gonna still live as if we did before with the same checking account, or maybe you need to actually switch to having two different checking accounts. It kind of depends on the issues that you're facing in your marriage, right? So make sure that you have the logistics set in that first section of the document. The living situation, the financial situation, the location of things, and then also what's happening with the kids.
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So that is those four main things. I will add one fifth thing to that. And that is how long is the therapeutic separation going to go? What are the markers in time that you are putting forth and agreeing to with one another of what's gonna happen? Because an unending marriage, therapeutic separation is not therapeutic. It's actually just a long-term separation. You need to know like, okay, after 30 days, after 60 days, after 15 days, after 10, after two,
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what are the markers that you actually are gonna need in order to do the work that you feel like you need to do? So the logistics of money and place and time and all those kinds of things. And then also, like I said, just in the timeframe of how long is this therapeutic separation gonna go on? And then what are some specific markers that you're gonna put where you'll kind of come back and reevaluate, is this helpful? Are things happening? Is it not happening? What's going on? Is it healing my heart towards you? Those kinds of things.
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So first is have a document. First section of the document is those logistics. And then the third element of a therapeutic separation is some real clarity around what is the therapy that's a part of the separation. What is it that you're working on? What specific books are you gonna be reading? What specific counselors are you gonna be seeing individually and or together? What is some of the initial work that needs to happen for each of you individually?
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so that you can know like, I'm going to be working on XYZ, you're gonna be working on ABC. Here's some real clarity around what is the therapy that the part of the separation. If you don't clarify that from the beginning, that you don't actually, that there's nothing gonna be worked on in the process of the separation. You need to really kind of ante up and say, hey, this is what I'm gonna work on. And here's what you're gonna work on. And here's what you can expect of me. And here's what I can expect of you. That creates the space of, as I said before, the hope.
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to really rise to say, hey, we're gonna be working on these things. This is not just a long period of time where we're taking a break from each other, but these are the actual things that we're gonna be working on. Kind of a syllabus, if you will, of X, Y, Z, here's what I'm gonna be doing and here's what you're gonna be doing. That is super, super important because back to those markers that I was talking about, when you do your check-ins over time, the 30, 60, 90 days, however long you're gonna be doing,
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this therapeutic separation, you need to be able to have some measure of are things moving along? How many times have you gone to see your counselor? Have you read that book? What about that podcast do you think? You need to have some markers so that you can have a sense of growth, right? When you think about a garden and you're cultivating a garden, you wanna make sure that when you're watering the garden and fertilizing the garden, the plant is actually growing.
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Well, in the same way, you want to make sure that the places that need to grow inside of you individually are growing so that you can actually come back together in a different way than you were before. If those things aren't laid out clearly, then you're just going to come back together and they're just going to be the same as they were before, because there's no guarantee that you're actually working to grow, to become the person, to become the spouse that you actually want to be and need to be in order for the marriage to heal.
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So those are the three main categories that are in a therapeutic separation document. That document that needs to really clearly lay those things out. Both spouses need to agree to that document. And then the final thing that I would say is that, what are the actual connections? What are the moments that you're gonna have conversations? How are you gonna, are you gonna go out on dates to work on some of these things? Are you gonna spend 30 days and then still start going out on dates?
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How are you going to have the interaction back together? If you are living in different places, for example, how are you going to talk about where you've been? How are you going to talk about the work that you're doing? How are you going to know what the other spouse is doing in order for you to kind of check in and make sure that there's progress being made in the marriage relationship back together again? So make sure all those things are aligned out in the document. Sign it for one another so that there is a sense of like officializing this, making it actually a thing.
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between the two of you. And then begin, begin, make sure that you are set with how things are going. You guys, the next video, I'm gonna talk a little bit more about what does it look like for kids in the midst of a therapeutic separation. So stay tuned for that video and I will see you there.
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where we look forward to hearing about how your marriage continues to grow. See you same time, same place next week.