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You know that sinking feeling when you wake up with a hangover and think: “I’m never doing this again”? We’ve all been there. But what happens when you follow through? Sonia Kahlon and Kathleen Killen can tell you, because they did it! They went from sisters-in-law, to Sisters in Sobriety.
In this podcast, Sonia and Kathleen invite you into their world, as they navigate the ups and downs of sobriety, explore stories of personal growth and share their journey of wellness and recovery.
Get ready for some real, honest conversations about sobriety, addiction, and everything in between. Episodes will cover topics such as: reaching emotional sobriety, how to make the decision to get sober, adopting a more mindful lifestyle, socializing without alcohol, and much more.
Whether you’re sober-curious, seeking inspiration and self-care through sobriety, or embracing the alcohol-free lifestyle already… Tune in for a weekly dose of vulnerability, mutual support and much needed comic relief. Together, let’s celebrate the transformative power of sisterhood in substance recovery!
Kathleen Killen is a registered psychotherapist (qualifying) and certified coach based in Ontario, Canada. Her practice is centered on relational therapy and she specializes in couples and working with individuals who are navigating their personal relationships.
Having been through many life transitions herself, Kathleen has made it her mission to help others find the support and communication they need in their closest relationships. To find out more about Kathleen’s work, check out her website.
Sonia Kahlon is a recovery coach and former addict. She grappled with high-functioning alcohol use disorder throughout her life, before getting sober in 2016.
Over the last five years, she has appeared on successful sobriety platforms, such as the Story Exchange, the Sobriety Diaries podcast and the Sober Curator, to tell her story of empowerment and addiction recovery, discuss health and midlife sobriety, and share how she is thriving without alcohol.
Your sobriety success story starts today, with Kathleen and Sonia. Just press play!
[00:00:00] Hi all, and welcome to a Q& A episode where I'll answer questions from our [00:01:00] listeners. We got some great questions about sobriety and relationships, and I'll share a couple of them with you today. We got a question that said, I recently stopped drinking and I'm noticing how much my partner drinks. How do I approach this conversation without coming across as judgmental?
[00:01:19] This is a really common thing. It's a common observation that happens when you quit drinking. You definitely begin to notice the drinking patterns of people close to you and see them differently than you did before. And I totally get it if you feel.
[00:01:42] And it's important that your partner understands that you're changing, so talking about this stuff can be tricky, but it's super important, and it's important to approach it with kindness and understanding. And here are a few tips on how to have a heart to heart in a way that's supportive and [00:02:00] constructive.
[00:02:01] Pick the right time. So look for a calm moment when you're both not rushed or stressed or recently had a disagreement. Also, it's important that your partner is sober during this chat so you can both really listen and be present. People are more likely to be defensive about comments on their drinking when they are drinking.
[00:02:24] I don't like people talking about how eating less dairy is good for you when I'm eating a bowl of ice cream. then there's something I learned from my co host and my sister in law, Kathleen, which is to use I statements to share your feelings. Otherwise, you can come off as accusatory and put your partner on the defense.
[00:02:44] So instead of pointing fingers, you can talk about your own feelings and experiences. You could say something like, Since I stopped drinking, I feel more in tune and present. I feel so much more connected to who I really am. I feel [00:03:00] so much healthier. My mornings are amazing. I feel inspired to try new things.
[00:03:06] this is a good way to start the conversation. And sometimes the first conversation can just be about the positive things you've experienced since you've quit drinking. Be supportive, not judgy. Make sure they know you're there for them no matter what.
[00:03:22] And if they're up for it, offer to help them cut back or explore sobriety with them. You can be a team doing this together or not, an instructor and student. Really listen. Allow them the space to express their thoughts and feelings and encourage them to be honest.
[00:03:40] Assure them that you won't judge what they say. This chat is as much about understanding where they're at as it is about sharing your perspective. So for example, if, they use a drink to unwind after a tough day at work, ask them to talk more about it. Their triggers are important for you to understand [00:04:00] and for them.
[00:04:01] Steer clear of blame, kick off this conversation with love and concern, not accusations. You are aiming to spark a conversation, not a confrontation. Talk boundaries. Think about what boundaries you might need for your own sobriety and well being. Talk about these and figure out how you can both respect them.
[00:04:23] For example, you could say that you would really appreciate if the two of you could have a sober night or a sober activity every week. But set reasonable expectations according to your situation with your partner. If you have friends that are heavy drinkers, for example, you can say, I don't feel comfortable going to the bar with them after dinner.
[00:04:43] It's hard for me when they get super drunk. and we'll actually talk about that exact scenario in our next question. Be ready for any response.
[00:04:52] They might be defensive or they might be open to change. Brace yourself for any reaction. And remember, this is just the [00:05:00] first conversation and it may take many conversations and approaches to reach an understanding. Encourage keeping the lines open and let them know you're all about open communication and they can share their feelings with you.
[00:05:13] anytime. Keeping that dialogue going can really strengthen your bond. Reiterate this is a conversation, not an ultimatum. And really, change just takes time and the road to dealing with drinking habits isn't always straightforward. So acknowledging that you want to be there for each other with patience and compassion is a great first step.
[00:05:37] All right, here is our second question. I don't want to go to bars anymore since I stopped drinking. I'm not scared to, I just don't feel like it. My husband still wants to go to our regular Friday night meetup at a bar with our friends. What can I do? So we touched on this briefly in the last question, [00:06:00] and it is completely understandable that your feelings towards bars and social settings where alcohol is present have shifted since you stopped drinking.
[00:06:09] I know mine did, significantly. So, bars without food were no longer an option for me. And this feeling is even more apparent when you first stop drinking.
[00:06:21] So your choice to avoid places that don't align with your current lifestyle is normal. It's good to acknowledge these feelings in your relationship to avoid resentment and misunderstandings for both of you. I know that when I'm uncomfortable or awkward, for example, at a bar, it can appear more like anger or irritation when it isn't.
[00:06:43] And so, talk about your feelings. And here are a few tips. Express your feelings openly and honestly. Again, let's use I statements. Let your husband know how you feel about going to bars now that you're not drinking. Be honest about your emotion behind [00:07:00] not wanting to go to certain menus or events.
[00:07:02] Whether it's disinterest, discomfort, or maybe you find it hard to resist the urge to drink. This is where the honesty comes in. It doesn't make you weak to not want to be around drinking. It means you're prioritizing your commitment. to your sobriety, and you're acknowledging it's not that easy to quit drinking.
[00:07:23] Suggest alternatives. So, propose alternative ways to spend your Friday night with your friends. It could include going to restaurants that focus more on food than alcohol, attending events or shows, participating in hobbies or sports that you all enjoy, or even hosting a game night at home. Hosting people at your house can actually be helpful since you can have mocktails, food, and create an environment that's more focused on an activity rather than drinking.
[00:07:53] And finding activities that you and your friends enjoy can be a really good opportunity to strengthen your friendships and [00:08:00] move the focus off of alcohol and provide a new form of entertainment. Compromise. There might be a way to compromise, such as starting the evening together at a more non alcoholic setting, and then giving your husband the option to join your friends at the bar afterwards.
[00:08:17] This allows you both to maintain your social connections while still respecting your boundaries. I did this pretty often, and it can really be the best of both worlds. Build a supportive social circle. You could start to create new friendships with people whose lifestyles align more with yours.
[00:08:36] you can meet new people by taking a class, attending a meetup, joining a book club, or other group. And it's a really good time to explore making new friends. to people you may have dismissed when you were drinking. You'll find your perspective may have changed.
[00:08:51] This way, when you're going out with these friends, you don't have to worry about it being a drinking focused activity. And also may serve the purpose of changing your spouse's [00:09:00] perspective on what a night out can look like. Overall, making decisions that prioritize your well being are always valid. Open communication, exploring new things together, that way you and your husband can support each other through this change.
[00:09:16] Find joy and strength in these new experiences as a couple.