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Laughing at Daily Lives Struggles
Caroline Rushe (00:00)
Welcome everybody to my crazy love carlines podcast. This podcast is reaching people all over the world. So thank you for listening to everybody. I'm so glad that I started this and it's bringing up real life issues that everybody goes through and so important to talk about those things more like if you're not following Instagram and TikTok, give me a follow my crazy love caroline. Here's new heights on that now this week.
40k on Instagram and 30k on TikTok which is surprising because I started on TikTok and Instagram have accepted me with open arms so it is mad. But yeah like I get messages every day from women just saying that you know I'm a breath of fresh air I talk about normal stuff I put up normal stuff how hard life is how hard kids are how hard trying to rear them it is how hard marriage is.
the normal stuff and it's exactly why I set this page up because I was sick of looking at the perfect lives on Instagram and I'm like that's not real and when I was younger I used to think there was something wrong with my marriage there was something wrong with my kids because my kids weren't perfect and the hard reality is no kids are perfect they're all absolutely you know they're hard work
and you second guess yourself all the time as a parent you're doing the right thing you're doing the wrong thing no manual comes with these things and yeah you just have to try and do your best as a mother as a mother myself I am constantly thinking am I doing the right thing am I doing the wrong thing they say you shouldn't be friends with them and I am friends with them and we have a laugh together we've a brilliant relationship and who knows what way that's going to turn is it going to be good or bad for them?
I don't know, but all I can do is do my best for them. So I was delighted to get another email here into my agony and you're loving the agony and to the moment, as I said, I don't know what way this podcast is going to turn like it started with comedy. Now I'm doing real life with a bit of comedy thrown in. Who knows which way crazy is going to turn next. But now this is quite a long one. So bear with me.
So okay hello I'm 42 years of age I recently just got over breast cancer and I'm reaching out for your assistance I really really enjoy your podcast and I play them on the Lexa. Well that's great because I only just discovered that myself recently that you can actually get them on the Lexa. It's something I look forward to I can't wait for your show on Cork me and my friends are going my god really looking forward to the disco. Yeah listen the show is going to be great. We haven't got a ticket.
You get one while you can. They're going to be. Yeah, it's just going to be such a fun evening. So here it goes. I mentioned earlier, I've just had breast cancer and I've got the old clear. Recently, I'm having a lot of marriage problems. I married with two kids, one boy and one girl. And since I had breast cancer, I hate when he tries to touch me. I hate when he tries to have any affection towards me. It's just me. I just can't. It's been over a year since we've been intimate, which is OK, considering I've lost myself, which.
is one of my breasts. I've just lost my image and I just look at myself in the mirror and which is not very often. Who is she? Because I don't know what the person is. I know she's there somewhere. I have not found her yet. My husband and I, we just can't agree on anything small thing at the moment. I know this must sound like a joke, but I really think he's gone through the menopause as well. We speak about women's menopause. Hopefully we speak a lot.
We speak a lot about menopause. Unfortunately, I was forced into menopause due to my cancer. I definitely think men go through it. My husband is 47 and his tolerance for the kids has just gone. Just can't do anything. They need to be sitting down for dinner. Then they're not doing it. He gives out. I know myself that this is not the person I married. So I just really struggled to figure out what's wrong, why he loves the loss. He really, really...
a very calm, relaxed person. I basically, but yeah, basically the reason is why can't you? Because I can't find, because I just find tolerance for the kids that's gone. They don't want to be with him at night. They don't want him to put him to bed. Suppose the kids are young and they're really difficult and I know, I suppose I have spoke to him sort of find it difficult as well to tell him the way I'm feeling. I don't know. I really appreciate your help. Okay.
Firstly, thanks so much for your email. Listen, let's start from the top of it, right? I know you've gone through breast cancer and I've had only from my own sister, I have experience of that where she had breast cancer and that's, it's a really, really tough, you know, you're 42. Yeah, it's very young to have breast cancer. Like breast cancer at the moment, they're like, they're not scanning us until they're 50, which is a complete and utter nightmare.
because women under 40s are getting diagnosed with breast cancer every day and it's something that does need to change. I'm glad that you're on the mend though. So, okay, really having two kids, one boy and one girl and breast cancer. Okay, that's okay. Listen, in relation to the intimate side of it, I do think, I think when you get older, your whole level of...
your libido goes down and I can only imagine after having breast cancer that your libido you must think what the hell he wants to do this and I'm after having breast cancer I can't even imagine it because even as woman in her 40s myself like I've noticed my libido has dropped dramatically you just don't have the same interest in it and I'm really sorry that you know that this is a problem for you and the only thing I can say
in relation to what it is, and I found it great myself, is that, you know, communication is massive. We really need to talk more to our partners. I know I'm a killer for it myself, especially if we're really busy. The two of us are really busy. And if you and your partner go to work and you have kids, it's so hard to get that time where you sit down and, you know, if you sit down and say to them, listen, and I guarantee you it'll work and say, I know I've done it with my own husband and I've said,
Listen, I know we haven't had it in a while and I just, I just really find it difficult to get into that zone. And I guarantee you, you'll see a difference. I think men, it's all about, I know myself, when you're not talking about it and you're kind of tiptoeing around the subject, it's worse. You need to talk about the subject. Talk about it. Talk about sex and say, listen, I'm not really into it at the moment.
And exactly what you're saying. I've lost I've lost a boob. I don't feel myself. And I think it's perfectly OK to not be in the mood for it. I really think it is. I mean, Jesus, like you're after going through breast cancer. I mean, you're still trying to recover from that. Never mind wanting to go into bed. And I think it's something that he has to understand. So, again, back to communication.
And you know what, a bit of counselling might do you no harm in relation to a little bit of marriage counselling where you could sit down with someone. You know, I know a car do for you marriage counselling for couples and maybe sitting down with someone and kind of having someone in the middle talk and saying, OK, she's, you know, it might do you any harm either. A marriage is like a flower. If you don't wash or cleanse, it'll die. It's
It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life because you're living with this grown man and you kind of have to get on together and do all these things together. And then you have the struggle of getting cancer on top of it. And it's just so difficult. I mean, I know for my own sister, it was the hardest year, not just her life, all our lives, because we all struggled because we were all so worried about her. So in relation to that, sit down.
have a chat to him, tell him exactly how you feel that you're not feeling up to it, you don't like your body and you know maybe a little bit of counsel. Do you know like as I said myself like I've accepted my body image and I've accepted that you know I'm not size 12 anymore would I love to be size 12 I would but am I motivated to do it? No, I'm just embracing my size I am so I think it's all about your own mental
your own mind and maybe a little bit, maybe an antidepressant might help you out. Like, you know, I'm on antidepressants. I take them every day. And, you know, they help. They help keeping your mood up and not getting depressed over stuff like your body. You've overcome breast cancer. You know what I mean? You've gone through the hardest part of your life. So this is just you need to look into the future now and try and, you know, make a little bit of communication with the husband. Mightn't, you know.
But as I said, like you're going to have to go through breast cancer, give yourself a break. What else she was saying? yeah, OK, so we speak a lot about menopause, but I think men go through menopause. Do you know what? I actually looked this up. I did a bit of research on the male menopause. And actually, right, men, their hormones reduce when they get older as well. I didn't know this. So their testosterone reduces.
which can cause depression and which can cause, you know, loss of interest in sex. I was shocked to see it actually, because I think sometimes myself with men, I do think they go through kind of mood swings, especially when they get a bit older, their tolerance definitely isn't as, you know, they wouldn't have as much tolerance as they had when they were younger. And she says in relation to the kids and that she's...
I have to say like I can completely relate to this in relation to my husband. His tolerance levels are definitely not as good as they used to be. He's less tolerant of them having a mess or having a play. Kids are going to be kids and they just want to have the laugh and the mess. Do you know my house isn't swatless but my husband seems to think it has to be swatless.
And I'm just like, yeah, it could be grand. Because, you know, the reality of it is in 10 years time, they'll all be gone. And we'll be sitting here, the house will be spotless. There'll be no one wrecking it. That is very hard to actually say that to a man. I know that from my own husband. And I can imagine with this girl, like she's saying that he doesn't want to be, he has to have him sitting down for dinner. And yeah, like, yeah, I'm not the person you married. I definitely think like.
We all change as people. I married 20 years, I'm a completely different person to why he married and we laugh about it now. Because as I say, he married this quite little, yes Shia, now he's married to this absolute crazy person that's willing to talk up for herself, willing to fight back. And yeah, it is, I think we all change. I think I agree with you, he's not the person you're married, but you're not the person he married either. So like in relation to him having no tolerance to kids, again,
back to communication and say, listen, I think your tolerance is gone. And I think men don't talk enough. They don't talk about these things. Women were all about talking about our feelings and talking about how we feel and especially in relation to the menopause. Now we're starting to talk more about it. Like when our parents were young, when my mother, she'd just like, she'd be like hot, hot, hot. But she never talked about it. Never talk about that part of it.
or the loss of libido or the weight gain as I say I go up with a swim ring every day that's what I say I have a swim ring around me because I have all my weight around my stomach and that's what people say I can't believe you're a size 18 20 as did I know but the rest of my body isn't I'm an improportional I carry the weight one man but my stomach do you know and I've accepted it and I've accepted this you know
Maybe in time, you know, I'd start something and do something with it. But at the moment, I'm OK with it. I get messages every day from fitness gurus trying to make me fit. Trying to bring me on this exercise journey and I'm like, just not ready for it yet. You know. So, yeah, like I can totally relate to this woman in everything she's saying. And I do think men go through a little bit of a menopause with it. We don't speak about it enough.
No, not every man goes through it. I read that as well. Not every man go through this bush. A lot of men will and you'll see a difference in them. All I can say to this woman is communication, communication, communication. It's so massive in every marriage. And if you're not communicating well, I do it my own marriage. I can't like I'm here with pot and kettle. I do my own marriage where the two of us were, you know.
He's trying to work, now I'm trying to do all this and rare children and communications come to nothing. Getting out for that walk together, getting out to the cinema together, which again is a master problem in my life because I've a nine year old that has this separation anxiety that I can't leave. He won't let me go anywhere. So like at the moment for us, it's really difficult to leave, to get away. But if your children are a little bit easier to this marriage,
try and get away, even if it's only for work, even if it's only for a cup of coffee. Getting away and having a conversation together without the kids, not about the kids and just saying, how are you doing? How are you feeling? You know, and just saying, like the pressure for sex is massive. I think it's all about, I think everywhere you read in the magazines, they're having it this much time, they're having it this, even celebrities have come on and said,
We're having it twice a week, we're having three times a week, load of nonsense. And it's very hard for an Arbitrary person to look on and go, they're all having it and why? And that's what men are looking at. They're looking at it and they're having it all this time. But you know, holding their hands, giving them a hug, do you know what I mean? Is affection as well. It doesn't always have to come down to sex. And I know from being like a forced menopause, like, or even a menopause, we'll say I'm in perimenopause at the moment, currently sweating here.
you do dry up down there. You know, definitely I've spoken to lots of women and they all say the same thing that they dry up down there and that it's quite uncomfortable to do it. So why would you be doing something that's uncomfortable? But like there is lots of gels you can get out there now CBD gels that are very good to use in relation to that because I suppose like
I don't know, it's a hard one isn't it, from relating to sex. I don't think you have to be having it religiously but I do still think it's important to have it. I think you connect on a different level when you do it. It might be once a month, it might be once every two months. There's no magic box to tick.
you know, it does keep your marriage and keeps everything going. So I would say to this girl that, you know, give herself a bit of time, communication, make sure, you know, you're talking to the husband and look into the council and the marriage council together. And, you know, maybe counseling by herself in relation to her, you know, she doesn't she doesn't like her body. So it's all about embracing your figure and embrace it like even like.
terrible like my husband showed a picture to me the other day and he goes this is who I married look at that skinny girl and I took a picture of him and said look at you married I married the skinny fellow too I mean we've all weight huh we have to go through COVID give us a break we have to go through COVID and in the middle of that I lost my mother and a really good friend of mine so Jesus I did eat yeah but I definitely think myself even and I don't have the breast cancer that I find that my weight and I'm not eating
Usually I'm not eating loads. I'm not eating more than I normally did my weight Just can't lose it find impossible to lose the weight now at the moment and you know, that's just That's just the way it is just buy a bigger pants I do have big concerns in relation to pennies that I don't won't fit into the clothes like you know Cuz I bought a size 20 skirt. I'm saying it's a small 20 and it won't fit me But that's all sheen the a curve selection till I'm ready, you know
till someone gives me an old tummy tuck there. No, I wouldn't be in for the odd surgery, not myself, but I do probably need to increase the oil exercise a small bit, but you know, I'll do it eventually. I'm here for a good time, not a long time. Isn't that what they say? I hope I've been some help to this lady. I hope things improve for you because you know, you did marry him for some reason. So, you know, you have to look at that side of it.
That's what I always think. I said I married him for some reason, so there's something in there. And it's all about trying to get that back off because in a couple of years time, lads, we're going to be left with them sitting across that table from them thinking, my God, what are we going to do? And it does worry me myself. I think, my God, it's going to be such a quiet house. And I do. It's probably one of the things I worry about the most is when the kids leave and I'm left and we're like, we're just left the two of us.
Well, nowadays kids don't leave till both hurt you with the cost of living crisis. But you know, we like we would love to be able to go out for a drink together and stuff, but it's just impossible at the moment because the nine year old just sits there and cries and I'm just like, what's the point? I just we just don't bother anymore. And it's terrible. And because I'm such a soft mother, they all stay up at the weekend. So they're with us in the morning and they're with us till they go to bed. So.
intimacy is very hard but it's all about trying to schedule it in and trying to talk and say okay we haven't done it in a while it's okay so talking is key ladies you know talking because when you do well i love my husband i want to be married to him forever i wouldn't see myself on anyone else so and some days i want to kill him and that's normal some days when he breeds funny i want to kick him into the head i don't do it
You know, some days he'll make this weird noise and like, my God, that's normal. It's all normal behavior. So, you know, when you're looking across the table with him tonight and he's certain soup and you want to pull him across the table, take a deep breath and say, OK, all them years ago when you couldn't get enough of him. You know, there's something still there.
Like last week we spoke about separation, this week I'm speaking about trying to keep the marriage together. I mean every week it's changeable. That's married life, 20 years married in July. 20 years married, Jesus it's a long time. But you know we work well together, we kill each other, we love each other, we want to box each other. It's normal behaviour and I wish more people would come out and say it's normal.
and not have this bloody pretence. marriage is great and this and that is not hard work. And when I see people going off and get married, I'm like, you really want to get married? dear. Right. That's enough. I'm crazy. What I hear is swish. I mean, it's raining out. I have a fleece on, but I'm sweating.
So if you're not following me, try and follow me on Instagram and TikTok. Also, if you're in Cork in July, come to Crazy Show with tickets are on sale in Eventbrite. It's called my crazy Saturday. And thanks again for listening. And if you want to send an email in, it's crazyeggonyand at gmail .com. If you want to be on this podcast, obviously I don't.
your name is always anonymous, you know, this girl's name is anonymous, I'll never share it and it will delete emails straight away. Because, you know, people send this in as a kind of anonymous agony ant. And yes, the future is bright. Yes, ladies.