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Conversations With Thomas is a podcast where humor, heart, and a touch of sass collide. Hosted by Thomas Kevin Dolan, each episode explores raw, real topics like self-compassion, healing, and the delightful mess of being human. As the seventh of ten kids, Thomas didn’t always have a voice—now he’s sharing it with you, and trust us, you’ll want to hear this.
Expect vulnerability, laughs, and thought-provoking questions that dive into subjects most people avoid (because, let's face it, some topics just need to be tackled). With a mix of wit and wisdom, Thomas takes you on a journey where you might cry, you might laugh, and you’ll definitely feel a little more connected to yourself and the world.
New episodes drop every 2nd and 4th Monday. Tune in for a dose of honesty, heart, and just the right amount of quirky.
This podcast is recorded in Honolulu, Hawaii. I acknowledge that the land I live and
work on, known as Kakako, is part of the unceded Aina of the Kanaka Mali, the
indigenous people of Hawaii. I'm humbled and grateful to be a guest in the Hawaiian
Kingdom. Hey you beautiful humans, welcome back to Conversations with Thomas, where I
explore a nuanced perspective on the issues that touch your heart and mind, and
sometimes I do both of those at the same time. I'm your host, Thomas Kevin Dolan.
My pronouns are he and him. And today we're diving into a topic that sounds like a
gentle hug and a self -help book had a baby. Kindfulness. It just might become a
new superpower for you. Now before you roll your eyes and assume I've gone full
crystal waving guru, which I know I'm capable of, hear me out. Kindfulness isn't
about floating above your feelings in a lavender mist. It's about sitting in the
mess with kindness while still wearing your coffee stain hoodie. Kindfulness is
mindfulness with a warm fuzzy sweater and a cup of tea. It's noticing your
experience and being kind to yourself. Well, you do it. Yes,
kindness, not a typo, not a yoga pose. So grab your tea,
your coffee or your oat milk, turmeric latte, no judgment here. And let's get into
it. Dr. Shauna Shapiro puts it this way.
What you practice grows stronger, so if you practice judgment, that grows. If you
practice kindness, that grows. And personally, I've spent enough time strengthening my
inner critic, it's time she took a vacation. It's I see you,
Thomas, feeling anxious again. Let's breathe through this. Instead of seriously,
still anxious, get it together.
And kindness isn't just a cute concept. Science backs it up too. I discovered a
2014 study published in Mindfulness, and it found that when mindfulness is combined
with self -compassion, people experience significantly lower levels of anxiety and
depression. The translation is this, kindness helps you stop mentally doom -scroming
your own life. And another study from Psychological Science showed that people who
treat themselves kindly during life's stressful moments have lower cortisol levels.
So, not only does it feel better, it's literally calming your nervous system.
Take that self -flagellation. Let me tell you a quick story. I've shortened it for
this podcast. It's from my memoir, Little Fag, a story of self -acceptance and
healing, where kindness literally helped me survive myself. I call this chapter the
middle school mirror incident. I remember being 12. Looking in the mirror at my
reflection. Trying desperately to look more normal. Right, more normal.
Whatever that meant. I didn't see a boy. I saw something wrong. That day,
instead of spiraling into shame, like I usually did, I heard a tiny voice whisper.
You're okay. You're just figuring it out. It was the first time I met myself with
compassion instead of disgust. That whisper saved me more than I knew.
Why does kindness matter? Now, I know some of you may be thinking, "But,
Thomas, I need that inner drill sergeant to get stuff done. If I start being kind
to myself, I'll just binge Netflix and adopt 12 cats. First of all,
Netflix and cats, not the worst way to go. Second, kindfulness doesn't mean
complacency. It means treating yourself like someone you care about.
Kindfulness creates the emotional safety we need to actually change. Because when
we're not constantly dodging emotional punches, we can finally take a deep breath and
go,
"Okay, what do I really need right now?" Maybe it's rest. Maybe it's accountability.
Maybe it's calling your best friend and saying, I'm spiraling. Remind me I'm worthy.
Kindfulness lets us respond instead of react. It makes space for the human mess and
the magic. I love mess and magic. I've used them both to grow.
So let's be real for a moment. Most of us are way to barist us than we are to
ourselves. One minor screw up, and it's like your inner voice transforms into Simon
Cowell in a bad day. But shame doesn't lead to growth. Kindness does.
I discovered another study. This was in 2013 by a couple of folks named Neff and
Germer. They reveal That self -compassion training led to significant reductions in
anxiety, depression, and stress, and overall improved life satisfaction.
Kindfulness, which activates both awareness and compassion, acts as a powerful
emotional buffer. Here's a mantra I breathe life into every chance I get.
You can't shame yourself, Thomas, into becoming your best self, but you can love
yourself, Thomas, there. Kindness lets you show up for yourself the way you'd show
up for someone you love, with patience, with humor, with, at times, an awkwardly
long hug, if needed. Let me share one more kind of a bridge story for my book,
a little fact. This one I want to call the Pride Raid Breakdown.
Years later, I was at my first Pride Parade, rainbowed up, but internally wrecked.
Surrounded by joy, I felt nothing but fear and shame. My instinct was to run, to
hide. But instead, I sat under a tree, dramatic I know,
I just breathed.
I place a hand on my heart. You're safe now.
That moment was kindfulness in action, offering grace instead of judgment.
We tend to think self -compassion is weakness. But let me ask you this.
Would you scream at a plant for not blooming? Would you scream at a rose for not
blooming fast enough? I'll assert no. You'd water it. Give it some sun.
Maybe whisper encouraging things like, "You got this, Rose." Same goes for you.
Growth takes care, not cruelty. I'm allowed to be a work in progress and a
masterpiece at the same time. All right, time to get out of your head and into
your heart with a quick mindfulness practice I call the gentle pause. Four simple
steps. Four simple steps. So go ahead and get yourself ready just to chill for a
little bit, to kind of take yourself out of this learning mode
and into a bit of our practice mode with a gift for yourself.
So begin the pause, so the invitation is for you to stop what you're doing,
literally, unless of course you're driving. Stop. Go ahead and breathe.
I use a technique of breathing by breathing in through my nose and
up through my mouth.
Go for three breaths that way
and then go ahead and place your hand on your heart. Not optional.
It's your built -in kindness button, I call it. And there's some science here. This
activates your parasympic nervous system. That's the rest in chill button in you.
And then as you breathe, I want you to see if you can name what you're feeling.
I'm feeling tired.
I'm feeling Overwhelmed
and whatever you're feeling my way to kind of take in this distinction.
This is a gentle reminder Remember, you're not your feelings You only have them.
So I'm feeling tired I'm not tired I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I'm not overwhelmed.
Continue to breathe and then see if you can see
if there's an opportunity for you to say one kind thing to yourself.
I'm feeling tired. I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I'm doing the best I can.
It's okay to feel this.
I'm still lovable even when I'm a mess a
gentle kind a boom. You just practice kindness.
That's it.
A moment of kindness. Your work is to rinse and repeat as needed.
So pause. Place your hand on your heart. Name what you're feeling. Say one kind
thing to yourself.
So next time your brain's in full chaos mode and your heart feels like a dryer
full of shoes Try softening Try kindness and Speaking of your brain,
maybe not yours in particular, but MRI studies have shown that kindfulness practices
actually increase gray matter The increased gray matter densities in areas of the
brain related to emotional regulation, empathy, and self -awareness.
Your brain literally changes to become more resilient and kind.
Kindfulness isn't just some fluffy self -help trend. I think it's a radical quiet
revolution. It's how we meet ourselves when no one is watching.
It's how we meet ourselves when no one is watching. If this episode sparked
something for you, I'd love to hear about it. Send me a message,
share with someone who needs a gentle nudge, or leave a review if you're feeling
generous. A gentle reminder. These conversations are here to inspire and support,
But they're not a replacement for professional care. If you're navigating through some
tough mental stuff, please reach out to a licensed therapist or health care provider.
This podcast is created with a lot of love, lived experience, and just enough
research to keep things curious. And it's also created with the tech magic of my
wonderful husband, Adam Maw, my co -executive producer. Until next time,
take a breath.