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Question: Why do we repeat the same arguments?
Why do I end up with the same cycle in relationships that keep ending?
👆🏽I get these questions alot.
There's a very startling reality that is seldom addressed when we are dealing with relationship dynamics.
Without addressing this critical issue, we end up repeating the same cyclical patterns feeling abandoned, frustrated, and misunderstood.
On this Transmission I talk about 3 blind spots we must consider if we are to break these cycles and create Secure Relationships out of Insecure dynamics.
Welcome to the TriggerProof podcast.
This is the first season of the Podcast which are audio renditions of
Facebook Live Video Transmissions done for the “TriggerProof” Facebook Community.
These were set up by request of our community members who wanted an opportunity to listen
to insights, tools, and strategies to help heal relationship dynamics, deepen intimacy,
and master the fine art of Autonomic Nervous System Regulation so that we can build resilience,
heal from the past, and become active operators of our mind, body, and life.
This first season wasn’t designed to be a podcast, so you’ll notice the audio isn’t
Professional Studio Quality (like it is on season 2 as we’ve upgraded incrementally).
These trainings are designed to introduce and deepen you to the most critical 2 skills we’ve never been taught:
1) The skill and practice of taking our triggers (Nervous System Activations) and turning them into deeper safety and self-love,
2) The skill and practice of taking conflict (that happens in any relationship) and turning them into deeper intimacy between the parties involved.
Not learning these two critical skills at this time in history costs us dearly: Physical and Mental health is on the DECLINE.
Doing this deep level of healing work can break the cycle of Intergenerational Trauma that didn’t start with you.
It didn’t start with you, but it can end with you,
#Cyclebreaker.
______________________________________________________________________
Join my Facebook Group to help you understand yourself, control your triggers, regulate your nervous system and know what's keeping you stuck in these times of crisis:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/triggerproof
[Music] yo welcome to another trigger proof transmission let me know if you can hear me um i am going to give this a shot trying this with new audio so if this ends up not working i'll probably find out after the fact and see a bunch of comments but i'm gonna give it a shot anyway and um i got some new technology that makes the audio a little bit better as you can see the the uh the microphone if you're watching this but essentially i uh wanted to jump on tonight to really talk about something very important as i have been observing the people in our community uh observing myself and delving deeper into the understanding of healing trauma healing the nervous system and nerding out on neuroscience
i had something really i wanted to share because somebody asked this really powerful question she said why is it that i keep getting into the exact same dynamics in relationships they always go through the exact same cycle there's this you know honeymoon cycle and then there is a breakdown you know there's like a break there's a honeymoon cycle and then something happens there's a breakdown a misunderstanding i don't feel seen i don't feel heard i feel gaslit and boom it's like mathematical certainty it happens again and again and again so i thought i saw that question and i was like that's a damn good question because i can totally relate to it whenever something whenever i read something from somebody in the community and i look and go holy [ __ ] that sounds very familiar uh i can look at my own journey with a smile and see i i had that exact same thing happen and in my case it was in romantic relationships exactly the same pattern let me know in the comment section if you can actually relate to this if you can relate to this and the the anxiety of what it's like to uh be in that and then have this should i stay or go kind of situation that was my last relationship and four years into the should i stay or go i remember feeling incredibly trapped feeling like a failure once again feeling like okay i'm i'm an intelligent guy like i can figure a lot of cool [ __ ] out i'm actually great at helping people heal you know 20 years as a chiropractor the last five seven years really teach as a teacher first within my practice teaching my patients kind of self-regulation tools to help them through stress and then it just became kind of like something that i absolutely loved if you're meeting me for the very first time it's something that slowly i found myself wanting to spend more time in in the teaching world and here i am now uh retired from chiropractic in the throes of my somatic experiencing practitioner uh training while raising a family and [Music] leading a global community of people who are committed to breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma cycle breakers hence the t-shirt here hence the mug right here um yeah i
just want to see if if you can hear me let me know if you can hear me hopefully this works hopefully this microphone's working i can't see on the any comments just yet um yeah cool so let's give it a shot so um this conversation is really about um
what it takes to create secure relationships because relationship anxiety is real but i want to talk about an even bigger issue i want to address this head on and help give you three blind spots on what you might not be where you might not be looking if you've been going to traditional therapy to try to solve your problem if you've been doing personal development you know hats off kudos to you on the path of becoming a self-healer i'm a big fan of the holistic psychologist everything she writes is bang on and it's exactly what i discovered in my own healing journey and when i met my good friend dr russell kennedy
we both came up with the exact same conclusions and the the idea the concept that i wanted to help uh expose you to right now if you're having this experience of should i stay should i go why do i keep repeating these patterns why is it that you know am i too broken to actually you know get into a relationship will i ever find somebody who's gonna love me for me when i feel so unworthy you know any of these uh questions or concerns uh resonate with you let me know i to give you some some uh some insights of what you can do and when you get this part right what happens is your relationship your all of your relationships around you start to change primarily because i'm talking about the relationship within us becoming a cycle breaker is somebody who recognizes themselves living through patterns and recognizing and acknowledging that it never really started with you in fact i'm going to give you three kind of blind spots that are going to help shed some light so what i'm going to do is i'm going to turn my camera this way perfect you can see a picture of lucy in the background there but i have this new toy if you're listening uh on the podcast you probably won't see this but here we go so the first um consideration you know uh healing relationship anxiety
and let me just see boom can you see that perfect
i'm just checking to see if you can actually see this on the screen yeah probably not i don't know if you can see it yeah okay didn't work that's fine all right so the first because i can't write it i'm just gonna say it so number one consideration is it's never about what it's about i want you to think of this relationship that you're going through right now or if you went through a betrayal an infidelity um if you're going through conflict within a relationship even if it's with your mother okay this this pretty much goes through every single relationship because truthfully your life is relationships why why am i even talking about this i'm a chiropractor i'm dealing with primarily health related issues right what i discovered in my 20 years of being a chiropractor is that it's our attachment traumas that we go through throughout our lives that we've been accumulating that contribute to a breakdown in our mental emotional well-being anxiety for sure which we're going to talk about and without addressing the root cause which is relational usually our traumas are relational because we never really understood how to have healthy relationships so when i'm 40 43 years old after my last relationship breakdown i had to wake up and go what the heck is going on like why is it that i can't get this this critical part of life aligned this whole concept of relationships why can't i do that and it turns out that i'm in good company uh the guy who's you can be a billionaire creating rockets that land uh vehicles on the moon and still get divorced five times elon musk five divorces all these kids three or four different women i think and he's a billionaire brilliant guy just can't get this concept of relationships so it's in other words it's easier to land it's easier to land a vehicle on another planet than it is to have a successful relationship okay so if you if you haven't learned this when i realized that i was like okay i'm in good company and so you're in good company and what i realized when i went through this process uh i stopped distracting myself with other relationships and i realized that it's my relation it's actually my relationship to the way that i handle stress and anxiety that plays a pivotal role in how i do relationships let me say that again how you handle anxiety in general your ability to autonomically self-regulate is going to be the most critical factor in your ability to create secure relationships your ability to regulate your autonomic nervous system and be the active operator of your nervous system and handle your anxiety will be the factor just got off a call with a lawyer today brilliant woman brilliant lawyer very accomplished but when she met this guy a couple years ago boom all rationality went out the window red flags up the wazoo and she just ignored them not because she's stupid because she's really intelligent she literally looked back on it and said why like and what she's working on with us is getting to the root cause of why she she knows she's done the therapy for 20 years she knows what a red flag is but it's in she was like it's in my body and it goes to the point that how we handle anxiety is going to make one of the biggest impacts on our on how our relationships go relationship anxiety in general and so i want you to look at anxiety as an alarm state in your body most people think anxiety is you know obsessive and intrusive thoughts but that's not actually what it is anxiety is an alarm state in the body there's a background alarm that's already there and it didn't start with this relationship believe me when i tell you it didn't start with your partner your husband your wife your boyfriend your girlfriend it didn't start with with them it's been in your body for a very long time since you were a little boy or a little girl and what's happened is the role of a relationship because i'm going to give you a little a new perspective on what relationships are the role of a relationship is actually to expose these unresolved attachment traumas so that
if you're ready you can use each trigger to help heal so in other words i want to help refra the way that we create secure relationships is to reframe the whole context of what a relationship actually is because without doing that we're still looking for that high which is like a drug right we're looking for the butterflies and all of that stuff and oftentimes when that love at first sight like fireworks like that that we look for that we attribute to a healthy tribute to a good relationship that's actually a trauma bond that's what i was looking for no wonder they were all cataclysmic uh complete meltdowns so why is that why does that happen well these unresolved attachment wounds are are not conscious they're unconscious they're stuck in our body and what happens is we really uh what we do is we do everything we can unconsciously to pair up with other people with similar wounds it's kind of like magnetism and we we merge with those people to reflect these unresolved shadows these unresolved wounds and so we either use them to learn and heal or we keep repeating patterns this is why patterns are repeated this is why the argument keeps happening again even though you think that you've resolved it you say that you resolve it and the thing is resolved by word the behavior doesn't change is because it's the somatic experience of that wounded child that hasn't really been addressed and it can't be addressed with just talk therapy why because many of these wounds have happened back before you or even verbal you don't even remember them you won't even remember them you know often the people that we're working with will say oh i had a great childhood nothing happened i don't want to really say anything bad about my parents i have no bad memories i have actually no memories and um i can feel like oh everything was fine in my childhood everything was great like those are the either either we hear people who are like oh my god my parents were monsters it was horrible or or it was fine like my parents were great like every time i hear those two those are the ones that have some severe attachment trauma sometimes they're so painful that we have dissociated from them so it's normal if you don't have memories of childhood it's actually you know a sign of your wounded child often trying to protect itself by not going through those feelings and memories because you didn't likely have parents unless you had unicorn parents i don't know anybody who did unless they become cycle breakers themselves unless they were cycle breakers themselves you didn't have parents who knew how to hold space for your emotions and to validate them quite the opposite often times your emotions brought up your parents emotions and they didn't really know quite what to do or because of cultural decencies or norms certain emotions were frowned upon punished physically often and so we're conditioned at a young age to abandon ourselves and this self-abandonment or self-betrayal is what we seek out so that we can feel safety and belonging unknowingly this role that we play this mask that we put on for safety uh we stop being able to distinguish who we truly are with all of this happening does this resonate at all let me know if any of this is resonating by the way in the comments section so when you the first thing that first blind spot that i want you to get with relationship anxiety is that whatever anxiety you're dealing with right now in your relationship whether it's an infidelity whether there is gaslighting going on whether you feel like you're not being supported whether you're feeling abandoned or you're feeling emotionally neglected um or you're just feeling smothered and accused all the time right i want you to know that it's never about what it's about what's happening is you're experiencing the anxiety the angst of a younger part of yourself and you're being triggered which leads me to point number two is that every trigger basically is a s it results in a self abandonment what do i mean by that well for example what's triggering you in this relationship well he is he's he's abandoned me he's not speaking to me he's stonewalling me he's completely stonewalling me which is like ignoring that can be very painful especially if you've ever had an abandonment wound when your partner kind of stonewalls they freeze they feel like they're stuck in a no-win situation and they don't feel hurt and it's not gonna make a difference and they don't feel safe to express themselves boom they're gonna what's called stonewall right i've been there you've done it you've had it done to you i don't know anybody who hasn't had that experience and that's very triggering but point number two blind spot number two what i want you to get is that the question that you can learn to ask yourself and this is part of the trainings are trigger proof trainings that we give that i give to all of the cycle breakers in the community that are learning how to break this cycle because it's deep conditioning i'm going to tell you this you're going to be like wow this makes sense but in all likelihood it's easy to forget because this condition response is not rational it's in your body so when somebody stone walls you you have the experience of being stonewalled you have two kind of air what i call arrows or darts coming after you the first one is the experience of being rejected by that other person that other person turns their back on you or whatever and you feel rejected by them that's arrow number one and arrow number two happens when we turn around and we abandon ourselves as a result of what's happening so in other words they're not speaking to me that's painful and the real pain underneath that is it must mean because i'm unworthy of love for example and you can ask yourself this question one of the questions that i teach in the overview experience and in the breath work and and all of the trainings that we do in our programs really getting you to ask yourself the question what am i making that mean about me the fact that they're doing that the fact that they're stonewalling what am i making it mean about me and if you really dig sometimes people when we first ask them this they don't understand they're like i don't know they're being rude i'm like no no no no don't point to them what are you feeling inside you know which gonna be point number three what are you feeling inside and like i don't know what i'm feeling they're being rude no no what is it you're making it mean about you oh like what kind of a person gets stonewalled and rejected somebody who's not worthy not good enough ah bingo self-abandonment so what i discovered this was one of the greatest discoveries of my life a few years ago that i began teaching this work becoming trigger proof is undoing the chronic self-abandonment that happens with every trigger and it can be done
[Music] so number one it's never about what it's about number two every trigger that you're experiencing that you're trying to end is actual chronic self-abandonment which has been happening since you were a child so it's not going to go away overnight you can begin to unpack it you can build muscle which is kind of like neuroplasticity mental muscle mind muscle which is neuroplasticity laying down new pathways that build resilience from your prefrontal cortex to your amygdala to self-regulate that's a muscle self-regulation is a muscle and you can learn how to undo that chronic self-abandonment which leads me to point number three which is that you can't think your way out of this you can't watch a video and heal the relationship anxiety you can't listen to this podcast and think that that's going to solve it you can't read books and think that that's going to solve it because insights are very important to healing but that's only one part of it eighty percent of it is learning how to feel when we've been spending most of our lives up in our heads trying to think our way to solving issues thinking thinking thinking that's where the intrusive thoughts come as a way to avoid the feeling and my good friend dr russell kennedy taught me that you can't think your way out of a feeling problem you must learn how to drop into the body and feel it and there's many obstacles is that the first is we're too afraid of pain so most of us would rather overthink it most people even the people in our community that i've been seeing work work at it for a while you can still see that it's so painful to feel that we will go back to our old ways of overthinking which is what anxiety actually is intrusive thoughts overthinking thinking thinking thinking and we love to go to therapists and just talk talk talk talk talk this is when i can see when we're working with people and they are in story most people most therapy that you go to just kind of addresses your issue at the at the point of the story but you can't talk or think your way out of a feeling issue you must have the courage to go deeper into the feeling and address the state where it's really coming from the original self-abandonment one two and three i'm tying it all together and so this is a practice and every single time a trigger comes up every anxiety really is a prolonged trigger and we never learned how to autonomically regulate them and this community that you're in right now that's what this community is all about this community is really about teaching that to you and so there's many different um opportunities for you to do it so the best way people ask me all right how do i undo this relationship anxiety i you know i get that it's not about what it's about i get that i've been self-abandoning a lot like it's big it's so much part of me that i just say yes to everybody else other than myself because i don't want to feel rejected because i've already rejected myself i get it and i'm in my head all the time anxious attached or or i'm avoiding you know and i'm so insecure how do i do this well [Music]
my name is dr nima romani and you've been listening to the trigger proof designed to teach you the most important skill necessary for a dramatically changing world which is nervous system regulation and becoming trigger proof doesn't mean trigger less it means learning how to regulate ourselves to bring us back to center so that we can then be governed by our purpose rather than from our wounds anytime there's reactivity there's a wound and if you're curious and inspired to learn more join us at breathwork and badassery or the overview experience there's a difference between listening to a podcast and actually showing up live and doing the work with a badass community who's all about breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma it didn't start with you but it can end with you if you're willing to do the work see you at the next perfect time [Music]
it's a process of rebuilding self-trust the opposite of anxiety is self-trust becoming trigger-proof is a path is a basically a spiritual journey it's a neuroscientific just as near as as much neuroscience as it is spiritual and woo so you can be both you can be hardcore into the neuroscience and you can be hardcore into the woo and not disagree because they actually overlap in this work in this work you have spirit and matter in this work you have uh masculine and feminine you have a duality in this work you have a light and you have a dark shadow and to become trigger proof is really to stop putting on these masks and to take off the masks and to embrace our shadow it's the only way to that i healed anxiety and i say healed in the past tense it's not really accurate i heal anxiety as i go you know it's a work in progress it's it's a taking action and gracefully uh surfing through each trigger you can learn how to become the active operator of your nervous system right now relationships are basically crumbling we have families that are falling apart partners you know who are politically divided on you know the whole mandate issue it's pretty [ __ ] hardcore right now in the world if in case you haven't noticed and relationships are falling apart and the number one skill that nobody really wants to take on is mastering autonomic regulation learning how to become a cycle breaker how to break the cycles of intergenerational trauma that didn't start with you and become trigger proof not trigger less i get triggered every day i work in in the field of trauma with people who are activated in their traumas often as part of their healing you know part of your healing you got to be willing to feel it so i help guide people through some feeling not so much feeling but avoiding feeling people sign up to heal and the biggest obstacle is really giving themselves permission to feel the feelings that they've been stuffing away or not dealing with it's terrifying that's why it really helps to have a yoda an obi-wan a morpheus somebody who's going to walk you through and guide you not be your hero there's no therapy or coach or or guru that's going to save you your wise to take that work on i'm going to be the cycle breaker and learn how to heal yourself so what to do so i'm going to invite you to do two things right now i'm going to put two links below the first one is breathwork and badassery it's the event coming up on saturday it's on on a weekend if you're listening to this on on replay we have them once a month and it is the community getting together to learn how to breathe and autonomically regulate ourselves through self-regulation and co-regulation see we can't do it alone and no one can do it for us but we're meant to do it together because just being in my space as i work to autonomically regulate i you being on this conversation are at the effect of my nervous system you actually are impacted our nervous systems are contagious if you want to be a leader you want to make damn sure that you know how to be the active operator of your own nervous system and it all comes back to healing with our shadow parts that we don't want to admit that are there that we've been trying to talk our way out of our think our way out of no we actually have to address them head on and there's very little talking involved when you're doing it so the the breath work in badassery is an event coming up follow the link below join us and learn how the foundations like if i were to start 101 and i wanted to teach dominic how to do this i would i would basically have him come to breath work and badassery if i was going to teach my son from the ground up the foundational skills on how to be a heart-centered human who's authentic i would start him at breathwork and badassery full disclosure i teach my trainings as though what would i teach my son he's now one years old and he's got a you know adapt to this crazy crazy ass world he's been born into where everybody's there's a mass psychosis going on there's a mental health decline people aren't really thinking straight relationships are tattered we're isolated and he's now in the world like this so can you see why this work is very important to me because it's really about him what would i teach him it would be breathwork and badassery and to join us tomorrow or upcoming if you're watching the replay for should i stay or go it is a one hour web master class that i have that goes through the five shifts that i had to make and we take all our clients through to get them to be the container where a secure relationship can actually happen most of us are waiting for somebody secure to to date so that we can kind of hopefully figure it out and that's kind of like a uh that's it's foolish to expect that the other person is going to kind of solve it it's going to be the right compatible person yeah without the right skills then those old narratives it's never about what it's about every trigger results in self-abandonment and we can't think our way out of feeling problems these facts these blind spots are still going to be there i take you through in the master in the master class i take you through literally the five transformation transitions that we all have to kind of
emerge and and an experience in order for a secure relationship to thrive now before i made these transitions i wasn't able to have secure relationships since i made these transitions
my relationships with men have changed my relationships with family have changed my relationships with clients my relationships with my business my anxiety and my body all of it's completely changed so not only am i the president i'm also a client and i love teaching it so the links are going to be below and it's tomorrow uh 6 p.m pacific is the master class and if you're watching on or listening on replay or on the podcast
the link is in the show notes jump in and join us ask questions and learn how to become the container where secure relationships can thrive if you're interested in being a cycle breaker this is where you would begin see you at the next perfect time