Petra

It's a new day, a new dawn, and a new partner enters Dick's life. A female, woman. Putting aside his frustrations, his anger, and his need for a baloney sandwich, Dick prepares to tackle this case headfirst with some fresh eyes and even fresher baloney. Maybe his hunger needed to be addressed. But beyond his hunger was Petra, and hopefully some first-rate detective skills that would crack this case. Even if she was a rookie. Straight out of university.  

What is Dick Clever?

It's a classic tale. A lone detective, a dark town, and a victim with a cod piece stuck in their ear. It's the sort of murder that could turn one to drink, to shun society and start a jazz band in his mother's basement. But not Dick. A man who's not quite Poirot, Sherlock, or Jake Peralta, but a man whose very much...well, Dick. Accompanied by a pallet of colourful characters, sharp tongues, wit and humour, we follow Dick and co on a bizarre journey to find truth, justice, and just how long a telephone cord really is.

(Dick Clever, Episode Seven, Petra)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: I made it back to the office around 8:22 and noticed the clock had
stopped. It was actually 8:45, and a neon light flickered through the
bent venetian blinds over the sprawling paperwork that covered my
desk. And there she was…my new partner, Petra.

PETRA: Probationary Constable Pattinson.

DICK: Petra Pattinson?

PETRA: Probationary Constable, Sir.

DICK: Call me Dick.

PETRA: I don't think that's right sir.

DICK: It's my name.

PETRA: I don't doubt it, sir.

DICK: So, what do they call you?

PETRA: Hey Gorgeous.

DICK: I mean outside the bars.

PETRA: I’m not sure I want to repeat it Sir. I don’t live in the most savoury neighbourhood.

DICK: Oh, well uh, what do you want to be called then?

PETRA: Petra, sir.

DICK: All right Petra, I'll give you an introduction to real policing.

PETRA: Where are we going?

DICK: To autopsy, we have a date with a dead body.

DOORS OPENING AND CLOSING.

Hey, wait for me!

DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.

JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

She seemed eager, but a little too eager. What did she think
this was? A Sunday picnic?

JAZZ HORN OUT. SLIDING DOOR OPENING.

GLASSES TINKLING.

PETRA: Sir?

DOC: Oh, Dick, I wasn’t expecting you yet.

DICK: Doc, what's going on?

DOC: Just having a little picnic.

PETRA: Is that allowed?

DICK: It’s not normally like this Petra.

PETRA: I quite understand.

DICK: Well usually he’d invite me.

PIXIE: Hiya Dick.

DICK: Hiya Pixie. Nice dress.

PETRA: Not standard uniform, I’m sure.

PIXIE: Nothing standard about me sweet thing.

DICK: Doc.

DOC: Yes Dick.

DICK: This is my new partner, Petra Pattinson.

DOC: Charmed.

BRIEF KISS.

PETRA: Thank you Doctor, but a handshake would have sufficed.

DOC: Oh, don't be shy.

PIXIE: We’re all friends here.

DICK: What do you have for us?

DOC: How about a "Grand Marnier" pate and hardboiled egg sandwich?

PETRA: While working?

DICK: Sounds great.

DOC: Oh, and a little Pinot, from a remote valley in Chile.

DICK: Even better.

PETRA: Sir!

DOC: Now, now, if you come over here I will show you the body found
down near the docks today.

PICNIC ITEMS BEING ARRANGED.

And for you Petra...

PETRA: Um, thank you, Doctor, but…

DOC: Please call me Doc.

PETRA: Okay. Doc. We’re working and…

DICK: You'll call him Doc but not me, Dick.

PETRA: That's right, I'm not under Doc.

DOC: Not yet, my dear. Now, here let me show you John Doe number 12.

SHEET BEING PULLED BACK.
PETRA DRY RETCHING.

DICK: Now hold steady Petra, breathe through your mouth and…

PETRA: No, I'm sorry. It's not the body.

DICK: I understand, It's your first time…

PETRA: No, it’s not that, I just bit into some eggshell in the sandwich.

ALL: (DRY RETCHING)

DOC: Oh, I am sorry, I thought I got all of that out. Oh wait look it wasn't
eggshell…

DICK: No, It was a fingernail.

PETRA: Oh, that's okay then.

DICK: Right. Doc what do you have for us?

DOC: Another fish finger, but this time up here.

PETRA: (GASP)

DICK: Up the right nostril, eh Doc?

DOC: How very astute Dick. But we have an escalation in the violence I am
afraid.

DICK: What is it?

DOC: Look in the left ear.

DICK: My god! Is that sauce?

DOC: Tartar. Initially, I thought it was custard.

PETRA: How did you tell the difference?

DOC: By the taste.

PIXIE: The same process used to distinguish oral and rectal thermometers.

DOC: If it had been custard…

DOC, DICK: Then he would've been a trifle deaf! (LAUGHS)

DOC: More pinot, Petra?

PETRA: No, please I’ll best be…

DOC: Come on, whose to know?

THEME SONG UP AND OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones