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Happening in Upland is your weekly rundown of what’s going on around town—local news, community events, public safety updates, new restaurants, development, weather, schools, and the stuff Upland residents actually talk about.
Delivered with humor, honesty, and a very local point of view, this isn’t stiff broadcast news. It’s real, relevant information with personality. If you live in Upland or anywhere nearby in the Inland Empire, this is your weekly shortcut to staying in the loop.
MARK: Welcome back to another delightful episode of 'Happening in Upland', the only show that treats the 'City of Gracious Living' with exactly the amount of reverence it deserves, which is basically none. I'm Mark, and I'm currently wondering if the city's motto refers to the gracious way we all sit in traffic on Foothill for forty-five minutes every morning.
JOLEEN: And I'm Joleen, your ray of cynical sunshine. It's Tuesday, May twenty-sixth, twenty-six, and if you haven't already started preparing your liver for the upcoming Lemon Festival, you're behind schedule. We've got a lot of shit to get through today, from budget holes big enough to swallow a Tesla to teenagers playing frogger on the freeway. It's truly a magical time to be alive in the nine-oh-nine.
MARK: It's spectacular, Joleen. Truly. If you're new here, we cover everything that makes this town tick, or at least everything that makes it itch. We're talking local news, crime, schools, and of course, where to get the best overpriced steak. If you've got a tip, a complaint, or you just want to tell us we're assholes, hit us up at upland@thehappeningnetwork.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly so we can mock your emails on air.
JOLEEN: Don't forget to like, subscribe, and comment, even if your comment is just a string of emojis representing your internal collapse. We're here for it. Now, let's kick things off with the headlines, because apparently, the city's piggy bank has a giant fucking crack in it.
MARK: Yeah, it's not great. City officials are currently staring down a one point one million dollar budget gap. Apparently, sales tax revenue from auto sales and construction has taken a dive, and now the council is looking for things to chop. They're looking at cutting over six hundred thousand dollars in services just to keep the lights on. It's the municipal version of deciding whether to pay the electric bill or buy food.
JOLEEN: And you know they're gonna pick the option that pisses off the most people. They've already floated the idea of cutting the body-worn camera program for cops, though the mayor says they won't do that at the expense of safety. Sure, Jan. Whenever someone says 'we have to be real careful', what they actually mean is 'get ready for your trash to be picked up once every three weeks'.
MARK: At least we have the Lemon Festival to distract us from the impending bankruptcy. It's returning to downtown from June fifth to June seventh. It's a free event, which is great because nobody in this town has any money left after paying their property taxes. They're promising food vendors, live music, and the 'Lemon Idol' vocal contest. I can't wait to hear twelve-year-olds belt out Taylor Swift while I eat deep-fried lemonade.
JOLEEN: Deep-fried lemonade sounds like a literal heart attack in a paper basket, but hey, it's tradition. They've got tribute bands lined up too. Journey USA, Uptown Funk... it's like a time machine for people who still use AOL. Speaking of technology, the city also launched that 'UplandConnect' app. Now you can report a pothole directly from your phone while you're currently stuck in said pothole. It's the future, Mark.
MARK: It's the illusion of progress, Joleen. That's what we specialize in here. But speaking of things that are definitely not an illusion, let's talk about the local crime scene. Apparently, the two-ten freeway recently turned into a track and field event for the criminally inclined.
JOLEEN: Oh, this was a wild one. Six people were arrested after they tried to evade police following a burglary. They didn't just drive away, they actually hopped out of their cars and ran across the two-ten freeway in the middle of traffic. Can you imagine the sheer balls, or maybe just the sheer lack of brain cells, required to sprint across six lanes of California traffic?
MARK: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for them. Spoiler: it didn't. They all got caught. It's like these guys think they're in an action movie, but they're actually in a blooper reel. The police also caught a guy on Stowell Street who was apparently auditioning for a role as a human catapult. He was just throwing rocks at buildings and cars like a bored caveman.
JOLEEN: He smashed car windshields and tried to break into businesses with nothing but stones. He's got a felony vandalism charge now, plus a no-bail warrant. I hope the rock was worth it, buddy. Between the freeway sprinters and the rock thrower, Upland is starting to feel like a low-budget version of 'The Purge'.
MARK: It keeps the property values 'interesting', let's put it that way. But the real drama isn't on the streets, it's in the school board meetings. The Upland Unified School District is currently in a full-blown financial meltdown. We're talking an eight point five million dollar deficit for the upcoming school year. Eight point five million! How do you even lose that much money? Did they accidentally buy a fleet of gold-plated school buses?
JOLEEN: Probably spent it on consultants to tell them they're broke. They had a board meeting last Wednesday that sounded like a nightmare. Three hours of public comment! Parents and teachers were absolutely ripping into the board over proposed budget cuts. They're looking at cutting teachers, hall monitors, and special education services. One grandmother was in tears because her autistic grandson's homebound teacher is on the chopping block.
MARK: It's heartbreaking and maddening at the same time. The board actually voted six to one to oppose the current cut proposals, which sounds good until you realize they still have a massive hole in the budget and no idea how to fix it. They're basically just kicking the can down the road until the June second meeting. It's the old 'we don't like these cuts, but we don't have a better idea' dance.
JOLEEN: Some people even suggested moving to a four-day school week to save on transportation. Can you imagine the chaos? Every parent in Upland would have a collective aneurysm trying to find childcare for that fifth day. But hey, at least the district honored twenty-four retiring employees recently. They've got a combined six hundred and thirty years of service. That's a lot of patience for one lifetime.
MARK: They're the real heroes. If I spent thirty-nine years in a middle school classroom, I'd be communicating exclusively through grunts and hand signals by now. But enough about the kids, let's talk about where adults go to forget their problems. We're looking at the Magic Lamp Inn for our restaurant review this week.
JOLEEN: The Magic Lamp is an Upland institution. It's been on Foothill since the fifties, and walking inside is like stepping into a time capsule where the 'Mad Men' era never ended. It's dark, it's moody, and the lighting is so low you can barely see your own self-loathing. It's perfect.
MARK: The food is exactly what you'd expect: classic American steakhouse. We're talking prime rib, lobster tails, and those huge baked potatoes that are basically the size of a newborn infant. It's not exactly 'innovative', but if you want a stiff martini and a piece of meat that requires a permit to consume, this is your spot.
JOLEEN: The service is usually great, too. You get these servers who've been there since the Nixon administration and they don't take any shit. It's refreshing. It's definitely not a place for a quick bite, though. You go there to settle in and pretend you're a high-powered executive from nineteen-sixty-two instead of someone who's worried about the UUSD budget deficit.
MARK: Just don't look at the bill too closely, or you'll need another one of those martinis. It's definitely on the pricey side, but hey, if the world is ending, you might as well go out with a stomach full of filet mignon. Speaking of endings, the Upland Highlanders baseball season just came to a screeching halt.
JOLEEN: Yeah, it's a bit of a bummer. They were in the CIF Southern Section Division four playoffs, and they had a decent run going. They beat Riverside Poly seven to four a couple weeks back, but their luck ran out on May nineteenth. They went up against Canyon High from Anaheim and lost one to four. Season over, dreams crushed, time to go home and play video games.
MARK: It's a tough break. They finished the season sixteen-sixteen-two overall. I guess you could say they were perfectly average, which is the most Upland thing possible. Carson Kinnick was a standout, though. Kid had a batting average of nearly point four hundred. He's probably the only person in this town who's actually hitting their targets right now.
JOLEEN: At least they made the playoffs. That's more than I can say for my attempt at starting a community garden. But hey, if you're looking for things to do that don't involve getting hit by a baseball, there are some community events coming up. Apparently, we have 'Butterflies in May' happening tomorrow, May twenty-seventh.
MARK: Butterflies in May? Is that a workshop or just a group of people standing in a field hoping they don't get bit by a tick? It's at six p.m. at the library, I think. And if you're really feeling adventurous, there's virtual bingo on Thursday. Because nothing screams 'thrilling Thursday night' like staring at a screen and hoping a random number generator likes you.
JOLEEN: Don't knock virtual bingo, Mark. It's the only way some people can gamble without having to put on real pants. It's a service to humanity. And let's not forget the Saturday Farmers Market in downtown. It's the best place to buy a three-dollar organic apple and watch people argue about parking. It's truly the heart of our community.
MARK: It's the heart, alright. A heart that's currently being squeezed by that Foothill Boulevard improvement project. I know we talk about it every week, but that's because it's been going on since the late Cretaceous period. They're still doing 'rehabilitation' work, which is city-speak for 'we're going to keep these orange cones here until they become part of the natural landscape'.
JOLEEN: I'm convinced the construction workers are actually just performance artists. They move one cone six inches to the left every morning and then go to lunch for four hours. It's a masterpiece of inefficiency. If you're planning on driving anywhere near Foothill this week, just... don't. Stay home. Walk. Ride a unicycle. It'll be faster.
MARK: And while you're staying home, you can contemplate the absurdity of the real estate market. The median list price in Upland is currently sitting at around eight hundred and thirty thousand dollars. Eighty-three-oh! For that kind of money, you'd think the houses would come with a personal chef and a basement that isn't haunted by the ghosts of previous tenants.
JOLEEN: But no, you get a three-bedroom ranch style with a kitchen from nineteen-seventy-four and a yard that's mostly dirt. And people are still fighting over them! Homes are pending in about twenty days on average. It's a bloodbath out there. If you're a first-time buyer in Upland, your best bet is to find a rich relative who's nearing the end and start being really, really nice to them.
MARK: It's the American dream, Joleen. Inheritance. But seriously, the inventory is so tight right now--only about seventy-four single-family homes on the market. It's like trying to find a parking spot at the Lemon Festival, except the parking spot costs a million dollars and you have to live in it.
JOLEEN: Speaking of the Lemon Festival, let's talk weather. If you're planning on being outdoors for any of these events, prepare to sweat. We're looking at a warming trend this week. Today is around ninety degrees, and it's going to stay in the high eighties and low nineties through next week. It's that classic 'June Gloom' that skipped the gloom and went straight to 'the sun is trying to kill me'.
MARK: It's delightful. I love the feeling of my skin slowly crisping like a piece of bacon. We'll see some clouds here and there, but mostly it's just going to be hot and dry. Perfect weather for the Lemon Festival, I guess. Nothing makes a crowd of people more pleasant than ninety-degree heat and a lack of shade.
JOLEEN: It's going to be great. Thousands of people, all sticky from lemonade, crammed into downtown Upland. It's like a social experiment designed by a sadist. I can't wait. I'll be the one in the corner wearing a giant hat and judging everyone's outfit choices.
MARK: And I'll be the one trying to figure out if I can write off a Magic Lamp Inn dinner as a business expense. Spoiler: I probably can't, but that won't stop me from trying. Well, that's about all the misery we have time for today. Remember, if you see someone running across the freeway, it's probably just a local resident trying to get to work on time.
JOLEEN: Don't forget to email us at upland@thehappeningnetwork.com with your stories, complaints, or just to say hi. We really do read them, mostly during commercials when we're bored. Subscribe to the show, leave a review, and tell your neighbors about us. Unless your neighbors are the ones throwing rocks, in which case, maybe just keep your head down.
MARK: Keep it classy, Upland. Or at least keep it gracious, whatever the hell that means. We'll be back next week to discuss how many people passed out at the Lemon Festival and whether the school board finally found that eight point five million dollars under a sofa cushion.
JOLEEN: Until then, try not to burn to a crisp or get caught in a high-speed pursuit. It's a low bar, but I believe in you. Goodbye, you beautiful, broke-ass bastards.
MARK: I'm Mark, she's Joleen, and this has been 'Happening in Upland'. Stay salty, nine-oh-nine.
JOLEEN: Seriously, buy some sunscreen. You look like a lobster already.
MARK: You're such a dickhead. See ya next week.