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In this episode of 'Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley,' Christine delves into the concept of closure, inspired by a reel she discovered on Instagram. She discusses the misconceptions around waiting for closure from others and emphasizes the importance of self-provided closure, especially in toxic relationships and unfulfilling jobs. By sharing personal experiences and insights, Christine highlights the significance of recognizing one’s worth, setting boundaries, and moving forward for personal growth and happiness. The episode encourages listeners to identify what they need closure on and to take proactive steps to achieve it, thereby allowing their true selves to thrive.
00:00 Introduction to Closure
01:21 The Concept of Closure in Relationships
02:56 Personal Reflections on Closure
05:45 Lessons Learned from Closure
06:41 The Importance of Self-Worth
07:43 Taking Action for Closure
09:39 Redefining Closure and Moving Forward
28:48 Final Thoughts and Encouragement
Creators and Guests
What is F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge ?
This podcast is for anyone who wants to live like an HBIC—or lives with, works with, marries, dates, or is raising one. Let’s be real: being a Head Bitch in Charge is messy, bold, and unapologetically badass. This is not a guidebook—it’s a pantry.
My guests and I will share the ingredients that we use—what’s worked and what’s failed—as we say “fuck fear” and take action to live a fulfilled life. We cover real-life hacks and deep philosophical pillars to navigate the chaos of everyday life—where some days, my only accomplishment is having a bra on and my teeth brushed.
We’re tackling the daily shit women navigate, from workplace politics to relationships, raising kids, and building careers, all with humor, audacity, and zero filters.
So, tune in—tell your friends, and even your enemies. This isn’t about aging with grace—it’s about aging with mischief, audacity, and a damn good story to tell.
041 Fuck Fear - Closure - Why do we stay so long
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[00:00:00]
riverside_christine_raw-synced-video-cfr_fuck_fear_0059: Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley, living like a head bitch in charge. Today we are gonna talk about closure.
the way this came about was, again, I was on TikTok or Instagram. I wasn't on TikTok, but Instagram, and I saw this, um, [00:01:00] reel come up. And Joe, I don't know if we're gonna play it or not, but, um, it'll definitely be in the, oh, we can play it. Sure. Okay. We're gonna play this reel. And I, I watched this reel and so as you listen to this reel, or as you watch it.
I listen to it and, um, it's specifically talking about a relationship. Go ahead, let's play it.
Relationship that feels toxic, but you still haven't gotten closure. You want closure. I saw it once put very, very succinctly. The disrespect was the closure. I might add to that. If you really need to internalize this idea, if this applies to you personally, the inability. To allow you to express your feelings without being attacked or dismissed was the closure, the gaslighting and the rewriting of history was the closure, the refusal to come to the table and discuss things like adults.
The thousand previous times the offer was made was the closure, the refusal to take any [00:02:00] accountability was the closure, the redirection of every. A front in every assault and putting the blame back on you was the closure. What closure is it precisely that you're looking for? What you're really looking for is something that is a fantasy.
You're looking for the person to finally soften, to open their heart, and to show some compassion, some empathy, some sensitivity for once. And my friend, if that were possible, if that could have happened, why didn't it happen till now? You didn't get it until now. It's not gonna happen at your exit interview, so to speak.
All of the evidence, the preponderance of repeated evidence is all the closure that you need. So that was really interesting to me because it was, um. It made me think not just of personal [00:03:00] relationships, and obviously I am going through a divorce and all that fun stuff and that, but what I liked about it was when it said
you're, you're trying to get closure. You're trying to get some person, place, or thing to show up differently. Then that they have shown up before in, in the relationship and on your exit interview. And I, so what I did was I was like, okay, how many times have I been waiting for them to kick me out, so to speak, you know, to make, to shut the door instead of me shutting the door what friendships did I overstay my welcome? What relationships did I overstay my welcome meaning? It was, it was done. I was not, um, getting what I needed. They were not getting what they [00:04:00] needed, or, or it might've been a mutual or job.
Um, and, and it's a, it, it really is kind of one of those things where I've done that. The, the times that I've done that, it's been like, I can say closure on a lot of things that are kind of not superficial, but mean a lot, but. Aren't ingrained, like I haven't worked real hard for it, but if I've worked real hard for something, it's really hard for me to move on long after, even, even though it's no longer working for me.
Um, you've heard me talk about it in my, in my career. I was, I literally was going to get into Big four and do site selection and negotiations on all that. For two years. I stayed 13 and a half. I'm not saying all those years were, were bad, but there was a time where I should have been having my exit [00:05:00] interview many years prior, um, for my sake not, not for, not necessarily for theirs.
What are you waiting for closure on? Like what, what situ, you know, what situation in your life are you going, okay, I need closure on this. And then who are you waiting for that to get that from?
And I think for me that was a big lesson was, okay, well what is closure and why does it come from someone else? Um, if they. If they haven't been able to give me anything that I've needed so far, why am I waiting for them to provide me closure? We're gonna unpack, especially for women, you know, kind of why we stay in the relationships, the communities, the jobs long past their expiration date.
Um, and what I, when I was going through this, thinking about this lesson, or not this lesson, but [00:06:00] this episode. I was like, you know, for me, I convinced myself there's a lesson to learn. You know, I remember coaching a woman who is in a, in just did not like her job at all. Didn't like the environment and people that, that knew her at work.
You know, some of her, the people outside of the company that knew her vendors and other things were like, yeah, you don't fit here. You're, you're really a lot better. Or This culture doesn't fit you. Um, but she kept saying, I have a lesson to learn. There's a lesson in this. Or I just, you know, sometimes I would say I need more patience.
Um, I've heard this, it's a spiritual assignment. For me, what it is that I've learned is the lesson that I'm learned, the assignment that I'm gonna is about, oh, I know my worth. Now I know how I want to be treated, how I want people to show up for me. And the lesson is, [00:07:00] oh, you don't do that. You don't give me what I need.
Whether it be financially, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, or whatever it is, I need to change the dynamics. Sometimes that means setting boundaries. Sometimes that means declaring more. Sometimes that means just walking away, but. What is the assignment for me or the lesson that I'm supposed to learn?
Is that my worth? You don't see my worth or how I need to you to show up. And the lesson is, is I get to leave. Like I've learned that lesson is I get to leave and it's time to move on. So again, think about what you're waiting for closure on and why. You know why you're still struggling with that? And I'm not saying you're gonna come out of it because we're gonna talk about, for me, what closure is and what it's not.
Closure for me is [00:08:00] not, does not mean that I won't ever feel this way, have this, you know, ache or this pain. Again, it doesn't mean any of those things. For me, it is about moving forward, um, and learning to, and sometimes learning very little. Tiny baby bites and spitting that shit out. And then, you know, taking tiny baby bites again and going, oh, this is what this tastes like now.
This is what this is now. It doesn't mean that there's some finality to. The emotion or, but it is this release for me, for me anyway, of okay there that can, that can go, that can float on down the river. You can employ someone else. You can marry someone else. You can have an, I am giving you the opportunity to engage in a relationship with someone else, you know?
But then I'm also allowing me to move on down and to [00:09:00] engage in a different experience. I. So I remember, um, some things about what I would say to justify me staying too long. Um, I'll do it when, when the kids are in college or, you know, and then it became when the kids are outta college. Um, this is just a test.
I'm being refined. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm learning here. Um, I need to accept more. I need to practice acceptance. , And we talked about this in the previous podcast, Joe, is that acceptance a lot of times or acceptance doesn't mean to put up with shit. It's just saying this is the reality of it. And I think that's a good thing for me to remember is that closure.
And when I accept something, I, I can go, oh, again, are showing up in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable all the time or, um, makes not uncomfortable even, but like causes. [00:10:00] It cause that emotional heartache, you know, everything is just so fricking hard and it's just so tiring. And it's like you're taking from me constantly.
Oh, that is, that's, that's the way it is. I need to change that. I get to change that. I would say everyone has flaws. You know, I just need to love him more. I need to go to therapy more. Um. I did that for a long time. I just need to fix me. It must be something in my past that I need to, that I haven't resolved.
I don't want to make a decision out of emotion. And again, I have learned that emotions aren't facts. They're indicator of the situation around me, which are the facts and. But I would use that to put off or delay. Um, another one, I don't know, Joe, if you've ever had this, but I've invested too much time to walk away.
Yep. [00:11:00] What I realize about that is it says I've invested too much. It doesn't say we have invested too much. Typically if I'm walking away because I'm, I'm not being met, it's because they have invested shit. Like really? They haven't gone out on the emotional vulnerability ledge or the psychology, the psychological vulnerability ledge to meet me, or I have given a ton at work and gotten crap back.
Um, that may be your situation, I don't know. But think of all the things that you're saying to stay and, and I don't necessarily mean you have to leave, I'm just saying to. To stay where you're at because I think that's different. I think it's very different. If we, even if we wanna shift something where we're at, we go, okay, we're gonna shift this 1% here, or I'm gonna have this conversation, whatever, [00:12:00] um, it gets to move.
But if we're gonna stay exactly where we're at, and that was my things, I stayed exactly where I was at. I learn that I no longer believe that leaving will change anything or that I deserve better because it's this constant battery of I've gotta take this, this is, this is what the situation is.
Um, and it's, it's really kind of interesting to me that, um. I, I twist it and I'm such a, I, I've learned, even when I was in my weak moments, I, I was strong in those moments. I'm such a strong woman, but on things that were fearful for me to change and to, to really let go of and to have closure on, I would twist it.
Um, so I would make it palatable. You know, if you just add enough salt, it'll taste okay. And, um, [00:13:00] and it's not, 'cause it doesn't, it doesn't change. I really liked how you said in, in your exit interview, you're living in this fantasy that somehow they're going to show up for you differently. Um, somehow they're going to give you what you need to move on when really I have to give me what I need to move on.
And that is typically. To leave or to reduce access or to limit access. You know, at work, sometimes I had to go, these are boundaries that I'm setting. You no longer have access to my weekends.
All the women that listen to my podcast work and all the women that, that listen are extremely successful, I want you to ask yourself, how much of the weekends do they take? Or I should say, do we give them? Because I will tell you that my weekends were, were pretty much [00:14:00] owned. I was, I was their beck and call girl, you know, their on beck and call girl and, and then around Sunday, if I wasn't working on a Sunday, I'm actually gonna set some time aside in the morning to about two o'clock Sunday afternoon. I started getting that dread and that, ugh. And there was this, I'm gonna take a side note. There was this great quote, um, that I came across and I immediately.
Read it and felt it and then I had to go, oh, I need to put that away so I don't ever read it and fill it again. 'cause it was again, truth. And it said, if a company wants to know about their culture, it's gonna be how your employees feel Sunday evening and AF Sunday afternoon and evening about work. And you guys can Google it.
It's, I, I think it's been said a couple different ways, but that's basically what it was. And yeah, about. Yeah, I just used to get that pit in my [00:15:00] stomach, so I wasn't working, but they were, but I was, I was giving them my time, my energy, my space, my head, my emotional space. Um, so who has yours? Who has your anxiety and who are you giving it to?
And again, what are we waiting from them to change that dynamic? [00:16:00] if I've gotten what I needed to, and, and part of what, when I say what I've needed from this experience is I've learned about me. I've learned what is no longer acceptable in, in situations that I need to leave.
Um, then it's time for me to move forward. And that is. The, but the ba, the language for closure is the movement of forward. What does forward mean? Um, and what does that look like? Um, I, I choose to redirect my time and my energy where it aligns with who I am now, not with who I was when I took the job, not with who I was when I got married.
And again, you know. Marriage and, and relationships just in general. We change and we grow. God, I hope we change, grow. I was talking with a woman this morning, we're like, I [00:17:00] hope we change and we grow. And she was telling me she was married 43 years and she and I, and we were talking about what the hardest part and she, I said, yeah, I think the hardest part for me in any of my relationships is the fact that you're making a commitment to be with somebody that you're probably not gonna recognize and.
A few years and, and, and you're making a commitment to continually learn and go, who are you and what is this? And so it's like I am, I am taking my time, my energy, my being, my axis to where it more aligns with who I am now because I've learned about me. Okay. It served me in the past. I, I don't even like the word serve, but I use it.
It, it worked for me in the past. This job was good. It was enough. You were enough. This relationship was enough. Doesn't anymore. And the [00:18:00] thing is, I'm okay with that and Okay. To me doesn't mean, oh, it feels so good. Okay. Means it's that acceptance of, oh yeah, that's the reality of it. I need to move on. And that's just Okay.
And I'm stepping away so I can go into what is next for me because you guys know me. I'm gonna be a little smart ass. One foot in tomorrow, one foot in yesterday, you're pissing all over today. You know I need to be fully, I need to step away so I can go forward and it, the other thing. That I've learned about.
Closure for me is it's, it's not a debate. It's not something I bring to the table and say, we're gonna discuss this. It's not a negotiation, it's a decision. And I think that was the part for me that was really hard because that's when I want someone else to give me something, make the decision for [00:19:00] me, push me out, or.
You know, finally validate who I am so I can feel good about my decision closure. I don't know that closure's ever felt good in the moment. And there's typically, for me, when I've, when I've left, there's this excitement after I've walked through the doors, I'm like, okay. And it lasts for a while. And then there's this uncertainty, and I call it fud, fear, uncertainty, and doubt that that comes into play.
And so I don't need to wait for me anyway. And again, might be different for you, but I don't need to wait to feel good to walk away or to say, these are my terms, period. Non-negotiable. I've decided already this is, this is what I'm signing up for. You can either sign up or I'm, or I'm gone and it [00:20:00] isn't for me.
And Joe, I'm curious before I go into this, what it is for me. I'm curious what you thought of that. Video And what, what came to your mind, because I wanna bring you in here for a second. 'cause you were nodding your head as, as we were watching it, and you were just kind of, you were shaking your head and you're just kind of going on.
So I'm just curious about where that hits you. Yeah, I think it made a lot of sense. The guy he's a rabbi. Yeah. And so it's a, it's a type of teaching that I've heard before. Mm-hmm. Or probably even taught before. So it wasn't it wasn't exactly mm-hmm. Like new, new content to me, but I think that it was.
Really well said in a way that might cut through some of the noise. Mm-hmm. For people, which is, it really doesn't have anything to do with the other person. I've always understood closure to be like, just an understanding of what actually happened. Mm-hmm. Like the autopsy. Mm-hmm. Like it's really not, I like that it's not, it's not it's not who was right and who was wrong.
[00:21:00] 'cause you can't. That's not really something inside of your control. Mm-hmm. We all have our perceptions of, of the situation. So it's probably okay that they think they're right and you think you're right and that won't stop closure, you know? But I think people get that mixed up with closure. Like, no, there has to be a judgment.
And I don't think it's a judgment thing, I think it's just an understanding. Mm-hmm. I think, I think sometimes for me it's an understanding, but it's not so much clarity. Yeah, I could see that as, okay, this is what it, like you said, this acceptance of this is what the reality is for the situation. Yeah.
Sometimes the understanding can be as deep as, well, this is over and we'll figure it out. Now, we'll figure it out after we, after we get some space and time, um, between us. But I, I think what's important for me when I'm going through closure is to rename the lesson that I've, that I've learned, you know?
Um. [00:22:00] My worth isn't tied to fixing this. It's a lot of times what I've had to learn in personal relationships, and it's okay with me leaving and if that disappoints other people place, you know, that's okay. I'm okay with that. I'm choosing this with me. Um, and I think the big thing for me when I'm in, in the mode of closure is.
I can't tell you how many times I've, I've mentally, and maybe my listeners have done this too, mentally, um, hit, you know, written the, I'm gonna, I'm gonna resign letter, um, I'm gonna leave the relationship letter, I'm gonna fire this friend letter or whatever. But we've never sent it. And um, and I think closure is when I actually send.
When I actually go set [00:23:00] diminishing contact, like this is, this is the, I'm limiting access. I change my routine to no longer revolve around them, whether it be work or whether it be a relationship. Um, I'm taking ownership of this and, and I don't even have to say it out loud to do that, but it gives me.
That then allows me, as we were saying before, it allows me the ability to thrive in some other location with my time, with my energy and things like that. And I immediately am able to access my free up energy, my freed up joy and, and my freed up self-belief because I'm no longer in an environment that diminishes those things.
I have doubt, but it's not being [00:24:00] imposed doubt. It's self-doubt, which is. You know, typically something I can go kind of sit with and correct. But if it's imposed out, it's like all these external factors around me going, Ooh, I don't believe in myself. Ooh, this, that and the other. I, I work with women that have imposter syndrome and I'm like, well, what is your environment?
What sort of lift up is your environment giving you at work? And, and a lot of those situations, they are having to fight everything tooth and nail. And I'm like, with all the negativity. That's going on. No wonder why you have imposter syndrome. No. There's no one around you going, yes, you deserve this. Yes, you are good.
So, but those things free up when I hit the send button and I hit it or I limit that access to me. And so again, I think for me it's. Less about the other person and less about, okay, I've come to some final agreement on it and we're never gonna revisit it. [00:25:00] Um, and it's more about admitting that they don't see my worth for whatever reason.
They can't get there, they can't get here from where they're at. And then my closure also is about my action. I. And it's rooted in me knowing I deserve more, and then allowing myself to give me the opportunity to move towards the people in places that can give me more and can treat me in a manner in which I'm worthy of.
Um, and. M my grandma May, on my, on my mom's side, my grandma Dieter was just this tiny little gray-haired Irish woman. It was sweet. She used to gimme creamed wine when I'd go visit her. [00:26:00] I was little. Um, but she, we'd play, she'd play the piano and, and, and we'd drink cream wine and she would just, she would say things.
And one of the things that she would always say, and I didn't know I was little, but she'd say, don't put pearls before swine. She says, just don't be pearls first swine. And again, I don't know what that meaning, you know, came from or means. So, but to me it was, you know, don't, you know, don't, you're pearls, you know, and don't, if you're, if you're in a situation and whatever it is where you're constantly feeling like you're not worthy and you're, they're not treating you.
As, as the goodness that you are, whatever it is, you know, maybe it's time to initiate some closure on that and maybe you can take the pearl that you are [00:27:00] and put it before someone that you don't have to convince. I think that's the big thing for me that I've learned is I don't have to convince people of my worthiness, the people that truly see me, truly love me.
They know, um, even when I hurt them, they know, um, because they know that I didn't, that's not my intent or, or, or that I'm struggling or whatever. And I come back and I'm like, oh yeah, I fucked up. But it's like, take the pearl that you are and put it somewhere where the light can shine on it and it can be honored.
I. I think one of the best things that I get from coaching and working with women is the fact that I get to see them put themselves on a pedestal and put themselves in environments that are [00:28:00] pedestals for, to watch them shine and not apologize for it, not. I shy away from it, but instead just, it's like this light just beams in them and they go, yeah, this is where I'm meant to be.
You know? It's like watching an athlete be in their sweet spot, you know, a Caitlyn Clark shoot, not from the, from the logo or, or Steph or, you know, just, we could go on and on, but it's, it is just like watching them just, but they put themselves in that arena. You know, and if they didn't get there, then they try again and they go, Ooh.
And it's so wonderful to watch them come out and go, no, that's not, that's not, that's not good enough for me. So, little assignment, what, what closure can you initiate? Doesn't have to be big. [00:29:00] Could be big, but sometimes small is big too. I. Just the act, what thing can you let go of and move forward and put yourself in a better or different environment that gives you something that sees your worth?
And sometimes it might even be letting go and shutting that door on the past and putting both feet in the movement of forward and in the future of the opportunity for goodness. So that's all I got today. It's a short one, but I hope you find some closure. I hope you give that to yourself. And until next time, tubs.
[00:30:00]