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Are you ready to take the steps necessary to thrive? Join us every episode as host Adam Gragg discusses what is holding us back and how to move forward with purpose, along the way developing healthy relationships and navigating life transitions while overcoming fear, stress and anxiety. Adam is a family therapist, mental health professional and life coach helping individuals and organizations find the transformational clarity that unleashes hope. Live the life you want, the legacy you decide.
Ep114_unforgettable
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] I had a conversation with some friends, some good friends that I haven't seen a lot over the last five or six years, and went out to dinner with them. And it was a great time. It started off just catching up and getting to know each other. And then. We had just a wonderful conversation. I mean, conversations [00:01:00] connect people and we hadn't seen or connected in a while, but it really broke the ice and it was just a blast.
And I got to see my daughter interact in a way that was really fun, special time together. And so today I'm going to talk to you about the power of conversation. So how to having unforgettable conversations, ones that people remember, and they're not going to forget. How you can have those in your relationships.
So this is episode 114 of the Decide Your Legacy podcast. Today's episode is on three ways that you can have unforgettable conversations, things to keep in mind. And I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I'm a coach, a content creator, a speaker. My passion in life is to help people find the self confidence and transformational clarity to face their biggest fears so they can live their legacy today.
I'm talking about long term change. There's a lot of short term change that happens out there. Medication, numbing kind of stuff. But what about that long term change where we are seeing a life change. This [00:02:00] is the stuff that gets me energized when I can see that happening in my clients lives.
You know, I am lucky and blessed to have great clients. That's how you have a great job. You have great clients. My clients do a lot of hard work. They face their fears. I'm seeing transformations. I'm seeing their self confidence grow and that energizes and excites me. I want to share something uncomfortable that I did recently because I do that during every episode.
I, during this dinner that I had with these friends, I did something, I took a risk. So I asked them a question that started the conversation and it took it in a different direction. When you take a risk, an emotional risk, you could be judged, you could be rejected, you could be misunderstood, you could be looked down upon, it could be used against you, but it's still worth doing it.
So I asked the table if we could, Answer a couple of questions, all of us. And then I asked a question. The question was, who is a hero of yours? And the [00:03:00] hero, meaning somebody that takes a courageous action in their life to model, to be a role model for you. And it could be somebody living or dead that you look up to.
Could be somebody you know or knew, somebody that did something courageous. And who is that person for you in your life? And then who do you want to be a hero to in your life? To be that kind of model of courage. And everybody answered this. And there were. There was a 17 year old and a 22 year old, and then three grown ups are answering this question.
And it took off. It just went from there and exploded into a really great positive and challenging and inspiring interaction. One that I'll remember at least for the short term, hopefully for the long term. And I want to have those situations that trigger my emotional It triggers me emotionally and so we remember it because of the impact it has on our lives because of the emotion that it stirs up in our lives.
And when I ask questions to people, I'm thinking about them as a coach in a funnel. So the very beginning of a [00:04:00] conversation is informative. It's catching up. It's, you know, what's gone well, what hasn't gone well. What is your Christmas like? You're getting information about them. You know, what's driving your interest in coaching?
What's driving your interest in purchasing this product? What's behind it? And then you're asking questions that give people insight. Insight, meaning you're digging deeper. You know, what is the biggest challenge for you here? Or what does success look like? One of my favorite questions. What's the next step that you could take to get towards your goal in this situation, or who could help you along the way, who could hold you accountable along the way. Those are questions that give people more insight into how they can actually make progress in their lives. And then the final level of questioning is, related to action.
So what action can you take? I structure my podcast this way. You're first getting some information and then I'm challenging you to get insight. I'm giving you information and I'm asking you questions that hopefully trigger insight in you. And then there's a level of action. What are you going to do with it?
What are you going to take away? [00:05:00] So today. I want you to start off with an action and to think about who is, well, what are, actually better way, but what are some of your favorite questions to ask strangers to get to know them? People you don't know or people you haven't seen in a while, what are some of your favorite questions?
I want you to write that down or speak it into your phone. Think about what that actually might be. One of my favorite questions to ask somebody is where are you from? Although I don't know that's the best question to ask to get somebody to actually talk. And if I don't know anybody, don't know somebody at all, it can be a fairly good and decent very first level question.
It's an informative question and people are usually comfortable. It's not something that maybe they're ashamed of it potentially, but usually it's pretty surface level and fairly safe. And then I want you to think about what questions you would ask somebody that would help you to go deeper to a deep, to a different level.
Like this one, I asked to my friends, Dave and Heidi. And my daughter, Emerson, and then their daughter, Holly, who is, you know, who is a hero of yours and [00:06:00] who do you want to be a hero too? So that was a really fun type of question. It's one of my go tos when I want the conversation to go a little bit deeper.
And so let's go ahead and jump in. So three keys to having conversations that people do not forget. Unforgettable conversations. So key number one is for you as a person going into that conversation to choose to let go of the outcome and even get excited about the fact that you're letting go of the outcome because you're doing the next right thing.
You know it's a good thing to talk about, but you know that potentially you get rejected or potentially you get judged or misunderstood, but you're glad that you're doing it. There's this level of energy and excitement. And I find that when I'm doing the next right thing, there is this sense of excitement.
And there also is a sense of anxiety, but the excitement overpowers the anxiety. So it really doesn't matter if I fail. You know, I'm creating this new course right now called Shatterproof Yourself. And some of the stuff that I'm doing in the slides, and I'm talking about the illustrations and the [00:07:00] activities, I mean, these are new to me.
They're risky to me and I can be judged and misunderstood, but the excitement that I have thinking about this content. Helping more people, it energizes me. It's like, it's worth it. It doesn't really matter. I have this foundation of friends and foundation people that care about me. And I have this ability to say, it's worth it.
They're going to love me and care about me anyway. So why not go for it and try? That's what I've been doing over the last year is letting go of the outcome. I've been growing Decide Your Legacy. I've been reaching out and taking more risks than I have in the past in recent years. So if you let go of the outcome, it's going to change the interaction.
And what it means then is, in that situation, are you the one who's going first? Are you the one who's reaching out? Just today, I had two college buddies reach out to me about having a Zoom call. We've done this in the past, and about going to a football game in the fall. And I love when [00:08:00] people do that.
These are not guys that I talk to a whole lot. But my answer in response to that is, yes, you know, I want to go do the Zoom call and I want to go to the football game. When are you guys going to go? I mean, I'm going to try whatever I try my best to go and hang out with these guys because that's important to me.
What are you going to do to reach out and to take that risk in a relationship? So if you want to have conversations that are memorable, you have to have this situation. You have to be, Willing to go and do things that are uncomfortable. And that means making the phone call or asking somebody to coffee or asking somebody a question that you normally wouldn't reach out to, getting some kind of feedback from them, doing things that are against what you would normally do, not playing it safe.
You have uncomfortable conversations by not playing it safe. So sometimes, and I'm just thinking about this right now, like I have a, I'm going to have a conversation with a guy tomorrow who owns a business and I think [00:09:00] he's a really good fit for to be a coaching client. I don't know for sure and when I meet with somebody about becoming a new client, I want them to convince me that they're a good fit for me because I am not going to be a good fit for Take care.
Somebody, if they're not convinced that I'm a good fit for them, so they have to, it has to be a mutual thing, and to me it might be really interesting, I'm trying to figure out a way that I can make these very first meetings memorable, and if I did, If I had like a shed in the back of the building with like a metal table and just a single light hanging from the ceiling and I had them get into the shed for the first conversation, I mean, that might be really memorable.
Or if I meet with them at the airport rather than meeting with him at the, at my office, I mean, it might not lead to a very private conversation, but that's the kind of thinking out of the box that I'm trying to do these days, which is super powerful. And it requires letting go of the outcome, because you do something like that, then who knows what [00:10:00] kind of judgment you're going to get.
And that's what I want to challenge you to do. But it's worth it, because people and relationships are worth it. That's where people are missing the level of joy and satisfaction in their life. They're lonely. And they're not seeing their potential because people aren't taking risks to reach out.
And it's all this play it safe kind of stuff. Hide behind your phones and don't do anything that's going to make you uncomfortable. And so just even the other day, I had a client who said that he was not wanting to be involved in social interaction outside of work. And it was because of some embarrassment that he had with his physical appearance right now.
And it really wasn't to me something that I would ever have said, like, that's something to be ashamed of or something that anybody would actually really notice. But to him, it was very much on his mind. And I didn't, and I don't tell my clients what to do, but I certainly planted some seeds that you have a lot to offer.
And by being in these social interactions, it could really help you to grow. And how are you going to benefit? Potentially by meeting new people and being able [00:11:00] to share and be a blessing to other people because the guy's a really encouraging person. And he's a very genuine person. He's a caring person.
He's somebody that other people would be blessed to know. And so my challenge to him was just to let go of the outcome. Now, whether he'll do it or not, I don't know, but at least I planted some seeds in that situation. So the first key is to let go of the outcome. Probably the hardest of these three keys as well.
The second, and I find this one is what snaps me into my place when I'm struggling to have conversations that are meaningful, and it's to make it about them, not about myself. I can easily be in situations, even doing this podcast right now, where I care about what you think of me listening to this episode.
If I can shift it, Which I can if I intentionally try to say what information can I offer to be helpful to my audience. That's helpful to me. It starts to make it fun to do a podcast. It starts to make it fun to [00:12:00] have an interaction. How can we make it fun? about ourselves without even knowing it? Well, we do that by thinking about our response before they're actually done communicating with us.
We do that by being more attuned to how we feel in the situation than how they feel. We do that by being more concerned about how to fix the situation and to fix them than actually understanding what they're trying to share. When we realize that the interaction is about getting to know them and learning about somebody else and seeing how you can be helpful to them based on what they share with you, it becomes a more energizing interaction.
In fact, it becomes an extremely energizing interaction if you learn to do that consistently, and then what it is, is every interaction is a chance to have this amazing experience in getting to know a different person and why they think the way they do and how their life has been changed and impacted over the last few years or what's on their mind that is so inspirational in their life, what's inspired them lately, and then you can feed off of that because you're taking [00:13:00] the focus off of yourself.
It's kind of cool too, because you may not even worry about how you look, and you may not worry about how you're coming across to them. You'll learn to actually just be present in the moment, and then your real personality comes out, which is the most beautiful part of you, because it's your true self.
And they may, you know, feel like they're seeing a whole new different person because in the past it was ego driven and you were concerned about how you came across and now you're actually just concerned about getting to know them. It changes my client interactions. When I think about counseling and when I think about coaching, I have a different actual flavor orientation to those different modalities.
In counseling, there's this, and although I can have my coaching hat on when I'm a counselor, there's this, I have this clinical issue that, or they have a clinical issue that they need help with. And what tools and what kind of resources can I give them that can help them to solve that issue with anxiety or solve that issue with depression [00:14:00] or grieve the loss of somebody.
Now with coaching, it's this, they already know what they want in the future and they want to get there and they have a clear assessment of where they can go and how big it's going to be, but they need somebody to help them hold them accountable and give them tools and resources to get to that next level in their life.
And they have it all inside of them. So the reason the pressure comes off of me when I do coaching is it's already, the power is already inside of them. Like I said, I can have it in both modalities. But for me, when it is that coaching hat mentality, it's, they already have everything they need. I'm just this blessed person to be able to ask them the questions and help them to see what I already see inside of them.
That potential that's not tapped that they have and those resources that they have. And it may even be, That through a coaching conversation, they see that they have a lot more support than they realized they thought they realized they had, because I'm asking them the questions. I mean, that's so incredible.
It is like, when you don't make it about yourself, you can have situations where people are shocked at how [00:15:00] much progress they've made that they haven't actually identified. Because when it's not about me, I'm not worried about how I come across. And I'm able to ask these questions that are riskier.
I'm continuously amazed at people that come into my office or I have a coaching group, legacy coaching groups, where I will talk to people that are in the group, outside of the group meetings, or I'll hear Coaching clients talk to me after a month or so of coaching or two months of coaching and I'll ask them what their progress has been and what kind of progress they've made.
And a lot of times they, I mean, in some situations they'll share, yeah, I've made some significant progress. It's very blatant, obvious kind of stuff. And then other times, I have to ask them kind of more specific questions that, you know, what kind of progress have you made in a specific part of your life, like your health or in your business or relationships?
And they start to think about it and they see the good stuff that's actually happened. And those are not necessarily fun questions, but if I make it about them and [00:16:00] getting to know them, then I'm able to get past the negativity that they may have about their situation or themselves to see the progress.
I mean, even recently I had a, situation where a client was implementing a new program, new software program at his company. And he was having trouble to see because of the pushback and resistance, which I had told him about and warned him about. He started to see some resistance and he was having trouble seeing the benefit and the real vision that this is going to make their company more efficient.
It's going to make everyone's jobs better. It's going to make it actually, eventually it's going to help the company to scale because they have these more organization in their systems. So there's a great benefit in that. So we can channel. With good conversations, good conversational lists, when they make it about you, they're going to help you see what you don't see.
That's my point with this key, to make it about them, not about you. Really helpful. And so in the last one that I'd encourage you to have great conversations is to have a list of your top 10 favorite questions. And I want to share with you some of my, I mean, I've shared this before in other [00:17:00] podcasts.
In fact, the third podcast I ever did was on how to have great conversations. And it's been one of the most popular and one of the most downloaded podcasts. I need to go listen to that myself, but we're going to link in the show notes to that actual podcast as well. It's the third one.
So Be, be wary. This is number 114. That was number three. So I'm going to sound a little bit different, but I got to go back and listen to it myself. I know I'm going to cringe. I'm going to be like, why did I say that? But, but I'll still go back and listen to it. So this is so fun to do. And now I will tell you, you got to do this.
This is not only going to be an inspiring key for you, is have your top 10 favorite questions to ask other people to get to know them deeper. At a more intimate level, what are they actually going to be? And it's going to be something unique to you, but you start making that list for you. And I'm going to give you examples.
These are two clients that I challenged to actually come up with their own questions. I'll just go ahead and read these questions right now that they have actually sent to me. Here's one list of [00:18:00] questions from a real coaching client top 10 favorite questions. What gives you energy and excites you? Boy, I can see this client saying that.
What's a tipping point that changed the trajectory of your life? Kind of cool. What's your favorite part of the day? Wow. Very good. And you know, I like people to ask questions that start with a what or a how. Why questions can often subconsciously make people feel defensive, like they're backed into a corner.
So number, the fourth question she had here is what's What was your favorite heart, first heartbreak like? Yes, I can definitely see this client asking that. So how does your life reflect your priorities? Wow, that's a great question. I'm so gonna borrow these with all my clients in the next, the rest of the week.
So what would you do if you ignored your phone for an entire day? Wow, that's a great question right there. This podcast is worth it just to get these questions. I love these. So what is something that you, that always makes you [00:19:00] smile? Very good. What's the hardest thing that you have ever faced and accomplished?
What were you like in high school and college? That would be an interesting question for me to answer, but it's not about me. Gosh, it's about my clients. What motivates you when life gets messy, hard, stressful? Amazing. Dude, those are so good. So that's one of my clients. I'm not going to say who, but really cool.
And then here's another one. This client, I won't share the name, but what's your biggest challenge? Great question. Cuts right through the fluff right there. Bam. This guy's used this, and this is so cool because here we have a client that has started to have different types of conversations, coaching conversations with his employees and people that he's close to.
And he's seen cool [00:20:00] things happen in the process. So number two that he has on his top 10, he has 11 here. So how can you use this challenge to grow? Great question. So how is this a challenge to you specifically? And that's very different than what's your biggest challenge, because you're actually getting them to think about themselves and say, how is this a challenge to you specifically?
And that may really trigger them to think about their background or other things that have happened in their life. So number four, how is this challenge affecting you? So he's going on this challenge theme here, but at different variation, different types of ways of thinking about it from a bunch of different angles, which is very much this guy's personality to get people to dig deeper.
Love it. Very cool. So what small change could you enact to start making changes in your life? So what's small change? That's one of my favorite questions as well as a coach. What can you change about yourself to meet this challenge? Wow. Can you see where it's going? Like you're really having to dig and see what resources you have.
And you're not being let off the hook with these questions because people get defensive and they want to be let off the hook, but [00:21:00] he's not going to let somebody I'm not going to let somebody, I care about my clients too much to not ask them the difficult questions. Just as a parent cares about their kids and their family.
And a true friend cares about their friends too much to not ask them the questions that might make them have to think more than they're used to thinking. Thinking is a challenging, uncomfortable thing. That's why so few people do it. They judge instead, or they just spew out junk instead. Number eight, what would your life be like without this challenge?
Whoa, you may be not as good, possibly. So number nine, what resources or people could help you? Great, great question. Finding some, the resources in your life. We have people that we're not accessing that we can utilize as resources, and we might even be pushing them away consistently. Number 10, what's the root cause of this challenge?
Wow, that's really a, Let's face your past, you know, when did it start kind of thing. How could I help you? [00:22:00] How could I help you with this challenge? Very cool. I'm so inspired by these. So you get to use those as inspiration in your own life when you get to come up with information or you get to come up with your own list of questions that you can utilize when you're engaging other people in inspiring ways.
Very cool. So if you found this podcast helpful, I'd Here's my challenge to you today. In addition to coming up with your own list of 10 questions, Okay, here's what I want you to do. Hit the link in the show notes to shatterproof yourself. I'm a mental health professional. I have been for 25 years. This is content.
It's a workbook, a actual, a handout, worksheet, and a video series. These are seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. These are basic, basic tools that can transform your life today if you apply them. You print off the worksheet, you fill in the blanks, you start applying each tool, you start thinking about each tool, and this is free.
I mean, you only get this by going to this link [00:23:00] and subscribing so you can get access to this video and worksheet. Download it, shatterproof yourself, seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. You're not going to want to, you know, To miss this, I mean, this is stuff that I look at consistently.
I challenge my clients. It helps me. I only give my clients, I only give you my listeners stuff that I strive to practice myself that helps me significantly. Let's go ahead and summarize the three keys to having unforgettable conversations. My goal when I talk to a client, when I talk to people is to They would not forget that conversation.
So here's the things to keep in mind to make things an unforgettable, to make it an unforgettable conversation. So key number one is to choose to let go of the outcome. This means I'm going to say things that no one else will say, not intentionally to be offensive. I'm going to share things and I'm going to ask questions, and That may be uncomfortable for them to answer, or uncomfortable for them to hear.
And I'm going to let go of the result, meaning they could reject me, they could judge me, they could get offended, but I'm doing it because I care, I'm motivated because I care and I want to help them. [00:24:00] And that's going to come through in the interaction. Number two is to make it about them, not you. So, if you make it about them, having an uncomfortable conversation is not going to be really that big a deal.
You know it's going to happen sometimes. It's just like rejection. You're going to experience it if you're going to grow a business. You have to make those calls. You have to do the uncomfortable things. So, you are going to be letting go of the outcome and you're going to be focusing on them, not you.
And then the third is to have a list of your top 10 favorite questions and have that, have Accessible when you go throughout your day, when you're interacting with people, and you'll be surprised that as you get these lists, get comfortable with these lists, create this list, these things are going to come up naturally in interactions.
And they're about, they're you. They're going to reflect your personality, your style. I shared a list of two of my clients. Top 10 favorite questions that they have made on their own. Really cool, really challenge you to do the same. So what did you find most helpful today? I want you to reflect on and think about that one takeaway, that one insight that you wouldn't have had, had you not listened to this podcast.
And then by the end of the day, I want you to apply it. In some area of your life, that one [00:25:00] little thing, that one next step, it's going to make a change in your life to help you have more meaningful, impactful, and unforgettable conversations. What is that action you're going to take based on that insight as well?
So I want you to do that and I'm going to challenge you to not let this content go to waste. I want to close today with some thoughts for you. So you will not change unless you take action. 80 percent of change is action. 20 percent or less is insight. You gain some insight today, but you won't have long term change unless you take some kind of action based on today.
I want to close the way I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. When people are talking about you in your life after Chris, on Christmas, 10 years after you're gone, what do you want them to say? What do you want them to be thinking?
I know for me, I want people to remember me as somebody who connected with them emotionally, who cared about them. You make that your mission today to live that [00:26:00] life that you want to be remembered for. No one decides your legacy except you. You decide it. No one else. I appreciate you greatly for tuning in and I'll see you and talk to you sometime very soon.
Thank you. Bye bye.