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For five years The Healthy Compulsive Project has been offering information, insight and inspiration for OCPD, obsessive-compulsive personality, perfectionism, micro-managers and Type A personality. Anyone who’s ever been known to overwork, overplan, overcontrol or overanalyze is welcome here, where the obsessive-compulsive personality is explored and harnessed to deliver what it was originally meant to deliver. Join psychotherapist, Jungian psychoanalyst and author Gary Trosclair as he delves into the pitfalls and potential of the driven personality with an informative, positive, and often playful approach to this sometimes-vexing character style.
Welcome to the Healthy Compulsive Project podcast, where you can take a deep dive to explore the pitfalls and potential of the obsessive compulsive personality, offering hope and help for perfectionists, workaholics, micromanagers, type a personality, and control freaks. Hello everyone, Gary Trosclair here, psychotherapist, Jungian analyst, and author of the Healthy Compulsive Project book, blog, and podcast. It's the start of spring here in New York, and it seems to me like a good time to step back and look at the big picture. New beginnings and all that. A time to ask, what's it all for?
Gary Trosclair:Too often, we lose our way and end up on circuitous detours, losing track of what our real goals are. The result is that our emotional needs don't get met, even if we're obsessively engaged in activities. So please join me as I reflect on how our priorities are lost and found, abandoned and reclaimed, and disordered and ordered. This is episode 42 of the Healthy Compulsive Project podcast, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, a disorder of priorities. What's most important and what are our priorities?
Gary Trosclair:This is especially crucial for people with obsessive compulsive personalities whose real values can get lost when their temperament collides with psychological challenges. In my initial consultation with new clients, I usually ask, what's most important to you? I'm no longer surprised when they're surprised by the question and come up blank. It confirms my hypothesis that one of the causes of the unhealthy compulsive personality is a failure to name and to live in accord with one's values and priorities. Even when people can name priorities such as family, well-being, or fulfillment, look more closely and you'll see that their behavior indicates that something else is at the top of their list.
Gary Trosclair:It's not unusual to lose track of the things that mean the most while trying to survive practically and emotionally. But that loss of order can get particularly bad when compulsive superpowers, such as working hard, precision, and control, are enlisted not in service to the goals that give our lives meaning, but to reassure ourselves that we're okay, worthy, respectable, or lovable. If the avoidance of psychological insecurity takes the lead as the new priority, original, more fulfilling goals sink further down the list, and our priorities are no longer in order. For instance, the fulfillment of making art tumbles a few notches when Internet metrics rise to the top of the list of priorities to reassure ourselves that the art is good. The desire for close connection slips down when we begin to control the other person to feel more secure.
Gary Trosclair:The much needed rest from a vacation loses priority when the trip has to be picture perfect. Rarely do people begin therapy by telling me that their goal in life is to prove their worth to the world and to themselves, or to feel secure by controlling the world around them. Though, that's partly how they're living. It usually comes to the surface with time. The most obvious example of losing sight of priorities happens when the primary breadwinner in the family spends so much time at work, ostensibly to provide for the family, that their connections with their partner and children suffer.
Gary Trosclair:Their need to work long hours may have more to do with self esteem than family. And the primary caregiver may lose sight of wanting their children to be happy when they focus on their academic or athletic success. And when a partner focuses more on keeping order in the apartment than having a loving relationship and peaceful home, their priorities are out of order. As another example of how things could get out of order, let's look at my original intentions in writing this blog. I wanted to explore the world of the compulsive personality, help people be healthy or compulsives, and experience the gratification of writing.
Gary Trosclair:I find it really satisfying to put words in order that can be helpful to others. But, let's say that I feel insecure and my goal changed to propping up my self esteem by getting higher Google rankings. My priorities then would be out of order. I'd press myself to post more often, and I'd feel oppressed and rushed. I wouldn't get the gratification of putting words in a pleasing order.
Gary Trosclair:Quality would go down, so neither I nor my listeners would experience the benefits that come with my original intentions. If I can maintain this blog without losing the order of my priorities, that's great. But not if I forget my goal and my original priorities fall down the list. Loss of our original aspiration causes at least 3 cross reinforcing problems. 1, we become rigid, rule bound, overworked, and over controlling because we feel things need to be a certain way.
Gary Trosclair:2, we fail to get the gratification of our original goals. And 3, the lack of gratification then drives us to a more unhealthy compulsive behavior. The original aspiration, which may be experienced as a compelling urge, is not in itself the problem. If the original intent is gratified in a healthy way, we're less likely to enter into the sort of unhealthy compulsive behavior that makes us sick and hurts our relationships. Our new dog, Bodie, recently gave me an example of this.
Gary Trosclair:Bodie is a 90 pound 2 year old Labrador retriever. Notice the retriever part. We'll come back to that. Bodie's gonna be a great dog. He's not anxious, and he loves everyone.
Gary Trosclair:He never barks. He doesn't bite. He doesn't steal food. But he's still young, and if we leave him alone in the kitchen or backyard for a little while, he starts eating the cupboards or digging holes. Taking him for walks helped some.
Gary Trosclair:Playdates with other dogs helped some. But what really did the trick was spending half an hour a day at the big open field playing fetch retrieving. This is who he is and what's important to him. He can love, but he also needs to work. This is what nature and 100 of years of breedings built him for.
Gary Trosclair:When he's able to do the thing he feels compelled to do, his original healthy intention, he settles down and stops the unhealthy compulsions, chewing the cupboards and digging holes. I've always found it ironic that OCPD is a disorder based on the need to have things in order. While the desire to put things in order can push us toward the unhealthy end of the compulsive spectrum, it's also the key to having a more satisfying life. We need to use our potential strengths consciously and deliberately to make sure that we don't get off course. If you naturally drive 80 miles an hour, rather than 40 miles an hour, as most compulsives do, you can get where you want to go faster.
Gary Trosclair:But you can also get further off course more quickly if you aren't paying attention. If the energy and need for order is invested in putting priorities in order, we have a chance at being healthy compulsive. This loss of priorities is very human. Many great stories tell us about people getting pushed off their course and, sometimes, how they get back on. In the end, things might not work out just as they expected, but the original intent can still be honored.
Gary Trosclair:This is the drama that's at the heart of becoming a healthier compulsive. So if you're starting to get the feeling that you got lost somewhere along the way, you're not alone. The theme of getting lost and returning home is a common one in literature and mythology. Think of the Greek hero, Odysseus. He went away to war and took 10 years to find his way home to his wife and son.
Gary Trosclair:There are lots of distractions on his trip home. Mythical beast, irate gods, sex and drugs, no rock and roll, by the way. Odysseus didn't completely forget what was most important to him, but other things kept getting in his way. Then there's the story of the prodigal son in the bible. He went away, forgot what was important, remembered what was important, and returned to be enthusiastically welcomed by his father.
Gary Trosclair:And most midlife crises films are about remembering what's most important and making decisions based on that realization. We only have a disorder when we get stuck in a place where our values are not honored. So we don't need to pathologize this veering away from most important. It seems almost baked into us, a necessary chapter in realizing who we really are. Maybe we need to forget what's important before we can truly appreciate it.
Gary Trosclair:Sometimes it might seem that we do need to change priorities. Some youthful goals are best confined to our youth. But I suspect that there's still something buried beneath the premature steps that calls for our attention in a mature form, informed by everything we've been through since then. The important thing is always coming back. In meditation, we find an anchor such as the breath, and each time we return to it is a small victory.
Gary Trosclair:Losing concentration and our priorities is inevitable. Returning to them is one of the most fulfilling things we can do. So what are your priorities, and do you honor them? Draw 2 pie charts, one with the things that are most important, and the other with an assessment of how you spend your time. If the 2 are very different, it's time to find a better way to honor your priorities.
Gary Trosclair:For regular inspiration to stay on course and keep your priorities in order, subscribe to this podcast. You can find transcripts of this podcast with links to research sources and lots more at the Healthy Compulsive blog, www.thehealthycompulsive.com. If you'd like to subscribe to the Healthy Compulsive Podcast, hit that subscribe button. And for a thorough guide to cultivating positive potential of the compulsive personality, find my book on Amazon, A Healthy Compulsive: Healing Obsessive Compulsive personality disorder, and taking the wheel of the driven personality. And if you find any of these helpful, let others know by leaving a review.
Gary Trosclair:Till next time. Enjoy the drive.