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Motherhood isn’t all Pinterest boards and playdates — it’s beautiful, messy, exhausting, and full of moments that make you question everything.
Hosted by Karen Chirivi, mom, positive discipline educator, mindset coach, and founder of Keeping Moms Real, this podcast is your safe corner of the internet — where we talk about what motherhood really feels like.
Each week, we unpack the emotions that moms carry: guilt, burnout, identity loss, and the pressure to be perfect. You’ll hear real stories, honest reflections, and practical mindset tools to help you release the guilt, reconnect with yourself, and raise your kids with more love and less overwhelm.
Because you don’t need to do it all — you just need to be real.
✨ Topics include:
Mom guilt & emotional burnout
Balancing motherhood and identity
Gentle parenting & real discipline moments
Self-care that actually fits your life
Mindset shifts for calm, confident motherhood
💛 New episodes every week.
Follow now — and let’s redefine what it really means to be a “good mom.”
00:00:00.160 If you are constantly finding yourself
00:00:02.480 in power struggles with your kids, you
00:00:04.960 are not alone. I know how exhausting it
00:00:07.200 feels when everything turns into a
00:00:09.920 bottle. Meals, breakfast, nighttime,
00:00:14.400 bath time, even playtime. It's hard. You
00:00:18.560 want to have some sort of control over
00:00:20.880 the situation, but your kids are
00:00:23.119 stubborn. They know what they want and
00:00:25.039 they're going to fight until they get
00:00:26.480 it. And it's really hard to go either to
00:00:29.119 one extreme. It's my way or the highway
00:00:32.159 or going to the whole other extreme
00:00:34.480 where you're exhausted and saying, "You
00:00:36.719 know what? Here it is. Do whatever the
00:00:38.640 heck you want." I know. I get it.
00:00:40.800 Honestly, I've been in both sides of the
00:00:43.440 story. Traditional discipline methods
00:00:46.000 being the controlling parent or being
00:00:48.399 the permissive parent usually have a lot
00:00:50.879 of gaps that I just don't want to pass
00:00:53.680 to my child. For instance, being the
00:00:55.760 controlling mom about yelling, saying,
00:00:58.079 "This is the way that we do it in this
00:00:59.920 house." I don't really want to relate
00:01:02.480 with that type of parenting style, just
00:01:04.640 because I want my daughter to feel safe
00:01:06.799 in her own house. I adore my mom. We
00:01:09.280 have a great relationship. And I think I
00:01:11.360 always say it because, you know, you
00:01:13.680 grow up, you do your work, you heal
00:01:16.400 yourself and your relationship with your
00:01:18.320 family. But yeah, I have an amazing
00:01:20.479 relationship with my mom right now and I
00:01:22.960 understand more of her story too. But
00:01:25.439 when I was growing up, she was a very
00:01:27.920 very controlling and I never really felt
00:01:31.119 safe in the one place where every child
00:01:34.159 should feel the safest. And I don't want
00:01:36.479 that for my daughter. I want her to feel
00:01:38.880 like if there is a place where she can
00:01:41.200 speak up is home. If there is a safe
00:01:43.759 place for her to come and tell me what
00:01:46.000 she wants, what her needs, it's her home
00:01:48.720 and I want to be that place for her.
00:01:51.520 Now, sometimes trying to be that place
00:01:54.240 for her becomes into a whole other
00:01:56.399 extreme where you go to be way too
00:01:59.119 permissive. You're like, "All right,
00:02:01.040 it's whatever you want. Please don't
00:02:02.799 cry. All feelings are allowing." And
00:02:05.360 then we confuse this idea of we allow
00:02:08.160 the feelings with we allow all the
00:02:10.000 behavior. that also has a huge gap that
00:02:12.400 I don't want in my house because I want
00:02:15.040 to mirror and model to her how to set
00:02:17.520 boundaries by setting boundaries myself.
00:02:20.160 There's also this part of a child where
00:02:23.360 they need the boundaries with they need
00:02:25.520 the structure. They thrive on it
00:02:27.440 developmentally. It's a need for them to
00:02:29.840 have structure. So, I want to be able to
00:02:32.239 provide that for her. And that's when we
00:02:34.480 come back to the question of all right,
00:02:37.040 we don't want to go to these extremes,
00:02:39.360 but when I'm in the middle of a freaking
00:02:41.360 power struggle, I don't know what to do.
00:02:43.760 So, in this video, I'm going to show you
00:02:46.400 five things I do, five tricks, tips,
00:02:49.440 whatever you want to call it, that
00:02:51.280 helped me go through power struggle
00:02:52.879 moments with my daughter. So, let's
00:02:55.040 start with my strategy number one, and
00:02:57.360 that is offering limited choices. This
00:03:00.319 one is very common, but it simply works.
00:03:03.280 I used to do this since my daughter was
00:03:05.599 like 10 months old and she's now four,
00:03:08.560 four and a half, and I still use it.
00:03:10.720 Now, I want to clarify that the reason
00:03:13.120 why we have a lot of tools in our tool
00:03:15.760 box is because sometimes you need
00:03:18.800 different ones. I have some go-tos, but
00:03:21.920 sometimes those don't work. Sometimes,
00:03:24.159 you know, if they're tired, they need
00:03:25.760 something else. If we are with a family,
00:03:28.159 they need something else. If they're at
00:03:29.920 school, they need something else. So,
00:03:31.360 it's good to have all of these different
00:03:34.080 strategies and then use them as you
00:03:36.319 need. So, here's how the choices look
00:03:39.519 like. Instead of telling my daughter,
00:03:41.680 sit down and eat it right now, I can
00:03:44.560 offer her few choices. I can be like, do
00:03:47.599 you want to use your pink plate or your
00:03:49.840 blue plate? Do you want to help me bring
00:03:53.200 the plates or do you want to help me
00:03:55.040 carry the salad? Do you want to sit down
00:03:58.560 next to mommy or next to daddy? The good
00:04:00.799 thing about choices is that it gives the
00:04:03.200 child this little sense of control and
00:04:06.080 they really thrive on it. They really
00:04:08.560 like to make choices. Now, when you have
00:04:11.680 a toddler like that that's older that
00:04:15.360 can tell you more than what they want,
00:04:17.680 you can face things like, "No, I don't
00:04:19.918 like those choices." Or, "No, I don't
00:04:21.519 want to do that." Abby right now, for
00:04:23.520 example, she tells me, "No, I don't want
00:04:26.080 any of those balls, but I want this
00:04:28.000 one." Awesome. If that works for me, it
00:04:30.479 works for you. Great. I want you to
00:04:32.720 notice here that there is something that
00:04:36.479 is non-negotiable and that is that we
00:04:38.960 need to sit down and have dinner, right?
00:04:40.880 So, make sure that you don't give them
00:04:42.960 option about that. If there is something
00:04:45.199 that you don't want to negotiate, don't
00:04:47.120 negotiate it. Having dinner at 7:00 p.m.
00:04:50.000 is non-negotiable, but we can negotiate
00:04:52.560 all the details around it. That's where
00:04:54.560 you can play around with the options.
00:04:57.680 For instance, if Abby comes to dinner
00:05:00.080 and I'm like, "We're going to have
00:05:01.440 dinner." And she's like, "No, I don't
00:05:02.960 want to." Non-negotiable, honey. We're
00:05:04.800 going to sit down and have dinner. Now,
00:05:06.479 you can help me bring the bread or you
00:05:10.160 can help me, you know, carrying salad or
00:05:12.639 you can, you know, choose whatever plate
00:05:14.479 you want. So be mindful and what are the
00:05:17.199 things that you are willing to
00:05:18.160 negotiate, what are the things that
00:05:19.600 you're not. And then I think the final
00:05:22.560 step for this to work is to actually
00:05:25.680 follow through. And in all of these
00:05:28.160 strategies, following through is the
00:05:30.479 most important thing in my experience.
00:05:32.800 Following through is not about telling
00:05:35.039 your child who's boss. It's more about
00:05:37.680 helping your child trust what you're
00:05:40.080 saying. When you say no and you mean no,
00:05:43.440 then your child learns to trust that
00:05:45.520 whatever you're telling them is true,
00:05:47.360 that they can rely on you. And it also
00:05:50.080 helps them set boundaries for
00:05:52.000 themselves. When they say no means no.
00:05:55.440 My strategy number two, and once again,
00:05:57.520 I've been using this since I was very
00:06:00.240 little, is the when and then strategy or
00:06:04.080 the first and then strategy. And it
00:06:06.479 follows something like this. If they
00:06:08.400 want to do something, but you need them
00:06:10.560 to do something else, you can give them
00:06:13.120 what they want if or when they do the
00:06:17.039 one thing that you need them to do. For
00:06:19.120 example, I want to go out and play with
00:06:22.000 the dog outside, but you need them to
00:06:24.319 finish the dinner. Instead of saying no,
00:06:26.880 you can't right now, which the no is
00:06:30.240 usually a triggering word for you and
00:06:32.560 for them. Nobody wants to hear a no.
00:06:35.039 Instead of giving a triggering no,
00:06:37.759 saying no, you're not going to go
00:06:38.960 outside. You can say, "Sure, first we're
00:06:42.080 going to finish dinner, then we're going
00:06:43.759 to go outside." And the good thing about
00:06:45.680 these empowered struggles is that the
00:06:48.080 going outside doesn't depend on the
00:06:50.800 parent anymore. It depends on the child
00:06:53.520 and their behavior. And so they're
00:06:55.680 learning consequences. If I want to do
00:06:58.560 this, I need to do this first. And
00:07:00.960 that's how life works. Once again, my
00:07:03.360 advice is always follow through. If they
00:07:06.080 don't finish the dinner, then the
00:07:07.599 consequence is not going outside. A lot
00:07:10.000 of parents ask me, "What if they don't
00:07:12.319 go outside?" And then they throw a
00:07:13.840 tantrum. And that's where the power
00:07:15.599 struggle kind of like kind of starts. I
00:07:18.479 want this. Mama said, "No, I throw a
00:07:20.639 tantrum. Mama whether goes to controller
00:07:23.440 or gives in." Here's where I as a mom
00:07:26.319 need to make a decision on what am I
00:07:29.280 going to do when this tantrum comes.
00:07:30.960 Because when you start doing or trying
00:07:33.120 something different, tantrums will
00:07:34.960 follow. They're going to come and
00:07:36.479 they're going to push back. But then we
00:07:39.120 need to figure it out how are we going
00:07:41.520 to deal with the reaction to the
00:07:44.479 consequence of their actions. And this
00:07:46.479 can be a whole other video on how to
00:07:48.960 deal with tantrums. But just know that
00:07:52.960 in the beginning when you try something
00:07:55.039 new, as I say before, it's just going to
00:07:57.280 get worse, right? They're going to try
00:07:59.280 to push back. But the more you allow the
00:08:02.479 big feeling to happen, give a safe space
00:08:05.199 for them to express those big feelings.
00:08:07.840 Now, remembering that all the feelings
00:08:09.759 are welcome, not all the behaviors, then
00:08:12.240 they're going to go through the cycle of
00:08:14.720 their emotion. It's going to the
00:08:16.560 feelings going to rise and then it's
00:08:17.919 going to go down and then it's going to
00:08:19.199 disappear. And then if you allow the
00:08:21.039 feeling to follow its cycle, it's just
00:08:23.280 going to go away. But what's going to
00:08:25.039 happen after you practice this two,
00:08:28.240 three times, four times, your child's
00:08:30.639 gonna start noticing, my mom actually is
00:08:33.599 following through. I can actually trust
00:08:35.839 that when my mom says I need to do this,
00:08:38.240 then I get my reward. Then next time I'm
00:08:41.440 just going to simply do it easier. Or if
00:08:44.959 I'm not doing it, then I'm not getting
00:08:46.800 what I want. All of this happens, of
00:08:49.279 course, subconsciously, but kids thrive
00:08:52.320 in repetition. I don't remember who said
00:08:54.800 this, but it's so true. Things usually
00:08:57.600 get worse before they get better. You
00:08:59.760 try something new and then their
00:09:01.360 behavior tantrums whatever increases.
00:09:04.800 But then if you keep going and keep
00:09:06.640 going and keep going, the behavior
00:09:08.560 usually goes down because now they know
00:09:11.600 that this is reliable that this is what
00:09:14.560 happens when I do this. Um, and then
00:09:17.279 they get to trust your word. So I know
00:09:19.600 that it's really hard to go through the
00:09:22.640 big emotions after you, you know, have
00:09:25.600 to set a consequence, but it is very
00:09:29.120 important for you. And I think that none
00:09:31.600 of these strategies work if you don't
00:09:34.000 follow through. Number three, get down
00:09:36.800 to your knees. Sometimes just making eye
00:09:41.040 contact, sometimes just the kneeling
00:09:43.120 part of the conversation gives your
00:09:46.240 child a sense of safety. And it also
00:09:48.880 gives you as a parent the opportunity to
00:09:52.800 pause. There's a little signal sent to
00:09:55.279 your brain like a hey let's pause go on
00:09:58.399 your knees that kind of deescalates the
00:10:01.680 situation. It also shows that there's no
00:10:04.320 one superior and usually when there's a
00:10:07.360 power struggle there's there's kind of a
00:10:09.360 word a competition that someone needs to
00:10:12.000 win. And when you go down on your
00:10:14.640 child's level and you talk to them, it
00:10:17.519 sends this signal of we are on the same
00:10:20.399 team. Like we are both trying our best.
00:10:23.440 Creates this beautiful container. Now is
00:10:27.200 about being on the same page, being on
00:10:29.920 the same team. And going back to this
00:10:32.320 sense of safety, a lot of times we fall
00:10:35.519 into power struggles because kids feel
00:10:38.800 disconnected. A lot of times they can't
00:10:42.320 really tell you what they need because
00:10:44.880 they don't really know yet how to
00:10:47.040 process and regulate their emotions.
00:10:49.040 Men, we are adults and we majority we
00:10:52.480 don't even know how to do that
00:10:53.519 ourselves. So, you know, they're just
00:10:55.200 learning about all of these feelings and
00:10:57.279 all these feelings sometimes are so big
00:10:59.279 and overwhelmed that they're like, "What
00:11:01.200 the heck's happening inside me? I need
00:11:04.240 my mom." and they don't know how to
00:11:06.720 express that with words. So, they throw
00:11:08.959 tantrums. They start conflict and power
00:11:11.760 struggles. And going down on your knees
00:11:15.200 helps you reconnect to your child. Hey,
00:11:17.440 we're on the same team. What do you need
00:11:19.440 from me? How can I help you? I'm here
00:11:22.000 for you, honey. Let's do this together.
00:11:24.959 And it's fascinating how just by doing
00:11:26.880 that simply kneeling down and just like
00:11:29.839 have eye contact with your child, how
00:11:32.560 just that little piece of connection can
00:11:35.519 deescalate a big situation just by
00:11:38.959 telling them, "Hey honey hun, I'm here
00:11:40.560 with you. We're on the same team." It's
00:11:42.480 beautiful. My next strategy is use fewer
00:11:46.320 words. This is especially true for kids
00:11:52.079 under six. In my five years that I've
00:11:55.040 been coaching moms, I've seen hundreds
00:11:57.120 of cases of moms that have a situation
00:12:00.560 with their kids, tantrum, power
00:12:02.480 struggle, whatever you want to call it,
00:12:04.320 and the moms come to one of my sessions
00:12:07.200 and they're like, I don't know how to
00:12:10.000 say it. I told them that healing is not
00:12:12.399 good. I tried to explain to them that
00:12:14.880 the older kids, you know, get hurt or it
00:12:17.440 hurts and I just don't know what to do.
00:12:19.600 And I'm like, okay, how old is the
00:12:21.360 child? like it's two or it's three. Of
00:12:23.839 course, they are not going to get it
00:12:26.000 because before six, the frontal cortex
00:12:29.600 of your child's brain is not yet
00:12:32.240 developed. And that frontal part is
00:12:34.560 where all the rational thinking happens.
00:12:37.760 So trying to explain to a toddler
00:12:41.600 something that's happening or the reason
00:12:43.680 why this is happening unfortunately is a
00:12:47.040 waste of time and it can be very
00:12:49.120 frustrating for you. But you have to
00:12:51.040 understand the information that you have
00:12:53.839 and the information that your child has
00:12:56.320 is very very different. Sure, you know
00:12:59.519 that when you hit someone, it hurts, but
00:13:02.079 it's because you have years and years
00:13:03.839 and years and years of experience. Your
00:13:06.240 brain is completely developed. Your
00:13:08.399 child, on the other hand, they don't
00:13:10.480 have the same experience that you they
00:13:12.800 probably don't understand yet the
00:13:15.040 concept, the meaning of of the word
00:13:17.760 heard. When you use fewer words, you
00:13:20.399 spend less energy trying to explain
00:13:23.040 something that is only going to get you
00:13:25.519 more frustrated and overwhelmed because
00:13:27.440 probably it's not gonna compute inside
00:13:29.519 your child's brain yet. But also, kids
00:13:32.240 learn from experience. Children are
00:13:34.560 little sponges. They are absorbing
00:13:36.560 absolutely everything. And the way that
00:13:38.959 they learned the fastest is by
00:13:41.600 experiencing all of these situations,
00:13:44.240 not by words, but with actual real life
00:13:47.440 experience. By saying fewer words,
00:13:50.000 understanding that your child doesn't
00:13:52.320 need that right now. And understanding
00:13:55.519 that the fact that you're not explaining
00:13:57.920 the why doesn't mean that you are
00:13:59.519 allowing the behavior. You are going to
00:14:01.760 help the situation to escalate. Because
00:14:04.959 when you start saying exactly what needs
00:14:07.839 to happen and why everything happens,
00:14:10.000 your child is just there probably
00:14:12.000 confused. And confusion can be very
00:14:14.639 overwhelming for them too. So the power
00:14:17.040 struggle can probably escalate even more
00:14:19.920 when you say fewer words but you use
00:14:22.000 your body, your hands as a a protective
00:14:25.839 shield or you know as taking something
00:14:28.639 away that they can't have right now.
00:14:31.040 it's easier for the situation to just
00:14:33.360 deescalate. Now, if they have to go
00:14:35.600 through the emotion and have, you know,
00:14:38.240 their own cycle, that's okay. You're
00:14:40.560 still going to be there. Let's go back
00:14:42.240 to one of the examples that we were
00:14:43.920 mentioning before. For instance, let's
00:14:46.079 say they didn't finish the dinner, so
00:14:48.639 therefore they can't go outside. So,
00:14:51.120 instead of you saying, "Baby, we can't
00:14:53.680 go outside because you didn't finish
00:14:55.440 your dinner." And finishing your dinner
00:14:57.199 is very important because all of these
00:14:59.839 food have so many nutrients and I want
00:15:02.160 you to grow strong and happy and that's
00:15:04.959 why you need you know you need your
00:15:06.639 protein so your muscles can grow you
00:15:09.279 need to do this and then unfortunately
00:15:11.920 it's too late honey I need to do the
00:15:14.079 dishes and I need to do this and
00:15:17.440 imagine all of this information the and
00:15:19.839 and I guess the intention is I mean all
00:15:23.680 of that's true unfortunately And if we
00:15:26.160 are talking about a baby, a toddler,
00:15:29.519 they can't really understand all of
00:15:31.839 that. So instead of that, you can say,
00:15:34.240 "You didn't finish your dinner.
00:15:35.600 Therefore, we can't go outside." That's
00:15:37.920 it. And then wait to see what happened.
00:15:40.480 Sometimes they're like, "All right, I
00:15:42.079 get it. I didn't finish my dinner."
00:15:43.920 Sometimes they're like, "What?" Me
00:15:46.079 personally, when I have all these big
00:15:48.160 emotions, instead of saying a bunch of
00:15:49.920 things that are probably only going to
00:15:51.279 trigger her more and trigger me more, I
00:15:53.839 just simply serve as a safe space for
00:15:56.800 her to just go through her emotion. I
00:15:59.199 know you really wanted to go out. That's
00:16:01.120 very disappointed. I'm here whenever you
00:16:03.519 need me. And then finally, my strategy
00:16:06.399 number five is let go of the need to
00:16:09.759 win. I get it. You know what's best for
00:16:12.480 your child. You know what they're
00:16:14.000 supposed to be doing. you have all the
00:16:16.160 experience, but sometimes I just want to
00:16:19.360 have some sanity and some patience left
00:16:23.440 instead of just winning a war that is
00:16:26.160 just simply going to trigger her more
00:16:28.880 and then leaving a sense of guilt in my
00:16:31.519 heart. I I I choose and pick my battles.
00:16:34.480 There are fights that I choose not to
00:16:36.160 fight. For instance, Abby likes there
00:16:39.839 was a time, not anymore actually, but
00:16:42.160 there was a time where she wanted to go
00:16:43.759 to sleep wearing a dress instead of her
00:16:45.839 PJs. And I'll be like, "Sure, whatever.
00:16:48.320 If that makes you happy, that if that's
00:16:50.240 what you want, go for it." There are
00:16:52.639 times where we want to go outside and
00:16:54.320 I'm like, "Oh, you got to take one or
00:16:56.000 two toys." She's like, "Mommy, can I
00:16:57.759 bring three toys?" Sure, take the three
00:17:00.560 toys. Sometimes she's like, you know,
00:17:03.040 mommy, after dinner, can I have more
00:17:05.199 snacks or snacks before before bed?
00:17:08.880 Sure. I don't always need to win the
00:17:11.919 argument. When you let go of that need
00:17:14.720 of winning an argument, men, everything
00:17:18.319 feels lighter. I would love to know if
00:17:20.000 you have other strategies that work for
00:17:22.000 you. Please share them in the comments
00:17:24.079 below. I bet other moms can benefit from
00:17:27.439 that. And if you are looking for more
00:17:29.840 strategies, a place where you get to
00:17:32.400 learn a little more of these, if you are
00:17:34.400 new to all of these positive discipline,
00:17:36.720 gentle parenting thing, you have no idea
00:17:39.039 where to start. I have an amazing
00:17:42.160 course, 7-day positive discipline plan.
00:17:45.360 I will share the link in the description
00:17:47.280 below. And I will also give you a nice
00:17:49.919 discount code if you feel like you want
00:17:52.480 to learn more. It's very, very
00:17:54.160 affordable. So, please go and try check
00:17:57.039 it out. I love you moms. Thank you for
00:17:59.360 watching until the end and I will see
00:18:01.200 you in the next one.