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Unashamed Unafraid is a show dedicated to being unashamed about sexual addiction recovery and unafraid of coming unto Christ for healing. Pornography and sexual addiction are not something you are stuck with to manage your whole life. We share real stories of recovery, the best resources, information from experts, and answer anonymous questions with those who know. All to help you on the path of being 100% healed from pornography and sexual addiction.
Sam: Welcome to another
episode of Unashamed Unafraid.
Unashamed of sexual addiction,
recovery and unafraid of
coming onto Christ for healing.
You know what?
I really love
Chris: me.
Mason: That's what I love too.
Sam: what I was gonna say.
I do love you.
Uh, that's a good looking shirt, Chris.
I like, I like a shirt that fits well.
Chris: Heck yeah.
I, I love me some flannels,
Sam: Yeah,
you guys didn't, this was, uh, just
before we started recording, but, uh.
Chris has got a nice flan of shirt
on today I literally told same
if you wanna see what it looks
like, hop on our YouTube channel.
He's looking really good
Chris: What you guys
should already be watching.
The YouTube channel.
Sam: So what are we talking about today?
Mace?
Mason: Talking about slowing down.
Talking about slowing down.
I was listening to, uh,
Chris: slowing down?
Slowing down in what?
Mason: Slowing down in our
recovery, talking about
slowing down in our recovery.
I was listening to Doug Nielsen's podcast.
Go check that one now.
It's freaking great.
And
do you remember
Sam: episode
Mason: is?
Nope.
Chris: We will figure it out though.
Mason: We'll, we'll put it in.
you guys just talked about slowing
down your RPMs is the way he puts it.
And I'm interested, I have tons of
questions, so let's just get into it.
Chris: Swing.
Sam: So, slowing down the RPMs in
recovery, why is it important to
slow down and what does that look
Mason: Mm, yeah, essentially.
Chris: love it.
Well, 'cause I, I think first,
like especially when, say,
say you get caught, right?
caught by a spouse, caught by parents,
whatever that, whatever that is, then
everybody's like losing their mind.
They're freaking out, they're still
totally upset and they're like, you
gotta do this, you gotta do that.
So in that mode that you're in
now you're like, oh my gosh,
I've got to do everything.
I've gotta do this, I gotta
do that, and I gotta do that.
And then all of a sudden you're
trying to do everything at once and
it becomes so overwhelming that you
stop or that you, that you just, you
just feel like you can't do it all and
it becomes too much, too hard, and.
You just kind of stop.
And so slowing down is really a, a good
way to, to really like pause and think so
that you can think clearly and get to that
place of being like, what is next for me?
That's all I just need to know because I
can't go from acting out every single day.
For years, and then all
of a sudden I'm stopping.
If you think you could do that
bullshit, like it just doesn't happen.
I mean, you may have like
one or two in the world that
will do that, but it's, yeah.
It's very, very, very, very rare
for something like that to happen.
Right.
Sam: Well, I wonder if speeding
through recovery described,
probably one of the symptoms
external pressure,
you're doing things that aren't
Chris: right.
And then you're
Sam: or 12 weeks.
Chris: I'm not doing enough.
Yeah, because I still, oh, I still act.
I acted out, so I'm
obviously not doing enough.
And that maybe that you're
just doing too much and you're
not doing enough of one thing.
That can really help you in recovery.
So slowing that down of being like,
all right, I just learned like a
whole bunch of tools, a whole bunch
of different things that I could do.
I looked up online a bunch of
different ways to overcome pornography.
I looked up or I went and sp spoke
with my therapist or my coach and
taught, got taught all these things.
Now what do I do?
It's like, oh, what is my next step?
I just need to focus on one or two things
and be like, I'm just gonna focus on that
for maybe the next three weeks or the next
month, or whatever that looks like, and
get really good at doing that one thing.
Mason: Mm,
Sam: Well, I just was thinking back
to the conversation you months ago
where you called me and we were talking
about like, what does my recovery
Mason: Yeah,
Sam: right.
I'm doing everybody else's recovery.
What does my recovery And I wonder if, I
wonder if part of recovery, knowing what
to do in recovery, knowing how to next
thing is, talking about, is taking time to
Chris: Yeah.
Sam: That's what it looks like
to slow down I, I think I told
you in that conversation, I was
like, dude, you know what you And
you were like, I remember you.
Like, yeah, yeah,
Mason: yeah.
Like it was clear.
It was
Sam: do know what I need.
Mason: Uhhuh.
Totally.
Yeah.
And, and that was, I think
that was a big part of why the
conversation was so helpful is
because it forced me to slow down.
Right?
Like being able to talk to you and
kind of have like a bounce back
forced me to slow down and not be
so in my head, which usually goes a
Sam: Yeah.
Chris: times.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you think about it too, like if,
if you're in the middle of the day and
you act out in the middle of the day,
like you're at work and you got all
this temptation that comes in and you're
just like, I'm just gonna hurry up, go
and act out, get back to my day, rock
it out, get you're not slowing down.
Mason: Mm-hmm.
Chris: So then later that day, you still
want to act out some more because it
wasn't enough or, you know, the, the next
day comes in and you're not slowing down.
You're not allowing yourself to be able to
process the emotion that you're actually
trying to cover up in the first place,
because acting out on pornography
is a way of mismanaging emotion.
You're.
I'm feeling stressed.
I'm feeling like worried.
I'm feeling, the stress of like all
this stuff coming at me, coming at
me at work or my life in general.
Like all these things that are coming
at me in life and not taking the
time to just slow down and stop and
be like, Hmm, I need to figure this
out so I can make a healthy choice.
We talk about that in, you
know, with my clients, I'm, I'm
talking about the path, right?
Pause.
The very first thing when
a temptation comes in is to
pause, to just wait a second.
I don't need to do anything yet.
I just need to pause for a moment.
Slow down.
Then you acknowledge what is that
emotion that you're going through?
What is, what are you feeling?
Right.
That's for the PATH acronym.
Pause, acknowledge, and then set
a timer, take two minutes, set the
timer, and just sit in the emotion
and just allow yourself to feel it.
Instead of being like,
I just got numb from it.
I don't like what I'm feeling.
I gotta, I'm, I'm bored.
So I need to like, figure out
what it is or not figure out.
I need to, not be bored.
So what I normally do is I go to
act out, but when you're feeling
bored, just allows you to pause.
Then acknowledge what
the emotion is around it.
Take two minutes and just allow
yourself to just sit in it, set the
timer, like pull out your phone.
Everybody's got phones that have alarms
on 'em or that have timers on 'em.
Set two minutes and be like,
I'm gonna sit in this and allow
myself to fill it for two minutes.
Then I can make a healthy choice.
' cause now you're like, I
actually do have a choice in
Mason: So I wanna, I wanna
revisit what you were talking
because I heard something recently.
It was like, instead of learning something
new, take a moment to integrate And
I think I'm a huge, I'm, I'm guilty
of that because what I love to do
is listen to podcasts and books, and
read things and all this kind of stuff
because it makes me feel like I'm.
Making progress even though
implementing
Chris: from all those books and
Mason: Right.
Yes.
That was my point.
And so even though my sobriety
isn't changing, I'm still acting
out just as much as I was before,
but it makes me feel better.
And so how can you deal with the fact?
And sometimes I think I deal with, I.
Don't wanna slow down and integrate
some of those stuff because I
want immediate re like results.
I feel the shame and I feel bad
when I'm like, okay, I'm doing
this stuff but it's not working.
But it's like, I did it for a week.
Right.
Like, like I guess, I guess
help me, like what do I what?
Gimme advice.
Chris: tell me, tell me, do you guys
look at YouTube and flip through and
scroll through YouTube or Instagram
and you just like keep scrolling?
Yeah.
You are training your brain to only
allow yourself to have a maximum of
eight to 15 seconds of, of satisfaction.
Then you're done to the next one.
Mason: Mm.
Chris: Right?
And so it's, you're not even letting
yourself slow down, even just your brain.
You might be just sitting there
chilling and doing nothing.
But you're not letting your brain
process what is actually happening
and what's going on in your life.
You just scroll because you get
bored and you're just like, onto
the next one, next one, keep going.
And you're training your brain
to only have, , these really fast
increments of, dopamine hits and
keep going, keep going, keep going.
And you're not allowing yourself
to just sit in the emotion.
So it's like I would challenge you
guys both like if, if, if you go
to an office or sitting in a line.
What is the first thing that you guys
do when you're standing in the line?
Mason: Get my phone
Chris: My phone.
Pull up your phone.
Yeah.
So
I challenge you to, to like instead
of pulling up your phone, just
keep your hands in your pockets
and just, just look around.
Mason: Hmm.
Chris: I do it all the time.
I'm like, Nope, I don't
need my phone right now.
Because I'm guilty of that.
I'm guilty of like pulling out my phone
in line or whatever, you know, just, and
then I feel disconnected from everything
And I'm like, I'm unaware of
my circumstances around me.
First of all.
'cause I'm in my phone, I'm like, I want
to be more aware of my circumstances.
I wanna know what's going
on and see what's around me.
Like it start to enjoy what is actually
around me, what's going on around me.
Sam: How has the speed of your, the, your
thought processes the pace since starting
Chris: Well, if you look at my
life, my life is like, for a long
time it was like super crazy.
Yeah.
Even up until June.
Yeah.
My, my life was like nuts.
'cause I was building my practice.
I was working another full-time job,
so I was working 70 hours a week.
It was like nuts.
Right.
, But there was times where I, I was like.
I have to make sure that I take this
time, this weekend, or this time to
be able to settle down and just allow
myself to just pause and think and not
numb out through Netflix or not numb
out through, Instagram or something like
that and just sit in my own thoughts.
It's okay for us to sit in our
own thoughts and be like, Hmm,
what's going on in here, man?
What, what, what was my, like,
that's why, um, I will talk to a
lot of my clients about gratitude
and using a gratitude journal.
Like that's totally an episode that
we should, we should have to do.
And it's talking about gratitude and
what the powers of gratitude are.
but sitting in that and being
like, what did I accomplish today?
What am I grateful for that I did today?
Because so many of us are
like looking through the day
going, I didn't do jack crap.
No, you did stuff.
So slow.
So allow, it's allowed me to
be able to, to slow myself down
so that I can be with myself.
I'll, I'll even hear my
own heartbeat sometimes.
I'm like, this is kind of weird.
Right.
So
Mason: I'm
interested now, how does that, 'cause
we've talked about like kinda why
that's good for you, but how does
that translate You know, what will
that recovery to help me stop acting
Chris: Because now you can actually
like process emotion in a healthy way.
' cause you know what you're
feeling, you're, you're like
allowing yourself to feel doesn't,
you're starting to name emotions.
So like the how we feel app.
Is a really good way because then
so many people are like, well, I'm
angry, or I'm bored, or whatever.
And they just generalize all emotions
into like one, like a few, like
five or six general emotions, not
really knowing what they're feeling.
That's why I like how we feel.
'cause you can scroll through and
like look at each emotion and be
like, Nope, that's not what I feel.
And go to the next one and be like,
oh, that's totally what I feel.
'cause it, it has an explanation of it.
So then you're gonna actually
start to name what you're actually
feeling in the emotions and be like.
This is interesting.
What are the healthy choices I can
do to help change this emotion?
Because now you've allowed yourself
to process it to sit in it.
And what I normally do is go
and act out and instead I'm
gonna make a healthy choice
Sam: Yeah.
I think there's power.
There's power in being still.
There's power in being still.
I, I think that's part
of the recipe, uh, of
Chris: That's exactly
where I was gonna go.
Yep.
Sam: Like I go out in the mountains and
connect with men and have solitude for the
first time maybe in years, connect with
some allow
Chris: to slow down.
Yeah.
To connect.
Sam: Yeah.
I think if you operate by God can
Chris: It's like
Sam: principle.
Slowing down, meditating,
things will change in
Chris: Totally,
Mason: I think this is making me think
just like I've, like we said, I've
just been doing the how we for like
and I haven't really been even slowing
but that even has just helped me to
slow down just a little bit to think
about and to emotions because it has
the whole color grade thing and it,
you can go through and it has a little
description of how you're feeling and.
I think it's hard to know what you need
help with unless you know And I would
totally generalize say, I'm Right.
When I was growing up, like I didn't
wanna talk to my parents my emotions
Chris: and when you're
tired, what do you do?
Right.
You go to sleep.
Yeah.
But when you're saying I'm tired, and then
you're like, well, I'm just gonna go and
look at porn, or I'm gonna go and check
out on Netflix or YouTube or whatever.
You're not tired.
Mason: So even just this last week
has helped me to realize a little
bit more what is actually happening.
And now I can go connect with
or I can go take a healthier
choice 'cause I know what I
help that emotion.
That I'm As opposed to I'm just
tired and I'm, it's just an off
Chris: day.
Yep.
And that, oh, go ahead.
Sam: feeling that the
accomplishments that I have less
That's also of hustling when
I talk to
the fastness
Chris: right?
Sam: They talk about
they talk
Chris: experiences with God.
Sam: experiences where you slow down
Mason: Yeah,
Chris: Totally.
Well that and that's why , at bootcamp
when we have, you know, younger dudes like
you guys come through that are un under
25 and they walk away from bootcamp going.
well, around that age.
Dang, you're getting old man.
Mason: You guys are all way old.
Dude, I'm 23.
My goodness.
Chris: So, so like when, when
you get these younger dudes that
come in and they are finally
like, they put their phone away.
Like we just had an 18-year-old that
came down to bootcamp in Arizona
and
he's like, that was so powerful for
me to finally just set my phone down
and not touch it for three days.
He
goes, man, it allowed
me to connect with me.
Allowed me to, to connect
with God in a way that I never
thought I would even experience.
And you know, and that's why those vows of
silence can be so important you're slowing
down and just letting yourself connect.
Because think about when we pray,
we're praying right before we go to
work or, and then we we're, we're
off to work or we pray and we go fall
right to sleep or whatever that is.
We're falling asleep while we're praying.
Right, whatever that looks like.
We're not even giving
God a time to answer.
And we're just like, well, he doesn't
answer my prayers, so I'm out.
Like I'm out on God because
he doesn't answer my prayers.
Are you listening?
Are you paying attention to what
he's actually sending you and
the love notes he's giving you?
Because we just aren't in, sometimes
we're not in a posture to receive it
because we're not paying attention to it.
We're not slowing down enough to be
able to hear him or hear ourselves
think of what's going on with me
Mason: Yeah.
So I feel like we've been saying
that a lot when it's slow down.
But Chris, give us some
practical ways like, how we do
Chris: Yeah.
finding, like I was saying, find one
or maybe two things that you've learned
in recovery and just focus on that,
not doing all of them all at once.
Find one or two things that is like, you
know what, I'm gonna focus on this for the
next two weeks or the next three weeks,
or whatever, and get really good at that.
And then move on to the next thing
and make, and then just add that into it.
So if you look at that conferences, if
you guys ever been to like a, a super cool
motivational conference, it's awesome.
And you, you're like, man, I'm gonna
implement this and this and this,
and this is like fricking amazing.
And you walk away and you're like.
I didn't implement shit.
It's because it's too much.
You gotta take one to two things,
slow that down, one or two things,
and implement that, and then add
to the next one, and then add
to the next one later, you know?
And then all of a sudden you're
like, Frick, I got sobriety.
I got all sorts of things.
Mason: Yeah.
Sam: How does Doug say it?
Slow down Slow down the
Mason: And I think that can help.
I think what, what you guys
talked about meditation
Chris: Yeah.
From
Mason: prayers being outside,
Chris: Why do we meditate?
Mason: I think exactly what you're saying.
We meditate so we can slow down,
understand, connect, I think what
we were talking about earlier,
connecting with ourselves, connecting
with other, connecting with God,
connecting and I think will help us to
integrate more than one thing that helps
us to slow down and be Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Like don't get ahead of yourself.
Focus on what I'm focusing I don't
need to bring in all this stuff.
At least that's what it would do Because
I totally am guilty of what you're saying.
Like I just bring in all this stuff.
So
Chris: Team meditation people are like,
well, I'm not very good at meditating
because my mind, my mind wanders.
Well, now that's what you're supposed
to do is all of a sudden you're like
noticing your mind is wandering and then
you're bringing yourself back, and then
two minutes later your mind is wandering
again and you're bringing yourself back.
That is exactly what meditation is
designed for to help you be self-aware
of what's going on in your mind.
Mason: Yeah.
Sam: I like the word ponder
like the word ponder because
meditation I think a lot of people
woowoo of meditation because
of, because of the context the.
connotation of that word.
And I think the principle is, pondering
and that looks different
Chris: for I like that.
Yeah.
Love that.
you
Sam: don't have to sit
in a room your thoughts.
That's good.
But there's a lot of I think most healthy
yeah, I to be said You find
ways to be still that So
what's your way of being still?
That's the principle.
How are you
Chris: That's why I like hiking
so You can't, you can't just
All
of a sudden imagine yourself up
onto the, the top of the peak.
Yeah, no, it's gonna take you a little
bit of time to get there and you got
lots of time to process emotion and
think about it while you're going up.
Mason: I think the
underlying thing as well
that stillness, It's just connection.
with yourself, connection with God.
And that's what sometimes
is hard and scary.
Yeah.
Is the connection with
Chris: Totally.
Mason: But it's so important to
Sam: Well guys, we want to hear from you.
What are you gonna do in your life
to start slowing down the RPMs
and take some time to be still?
Email us, Chris sam@unashamedunafraid.com.
Email us.
Mason: email?
Email me at Mason.
seius1@gmail.com.
That's S-E-L-J-A-A-S,
the number1@gmail.com.
Sam: Copy me and Chris.
We want to hear about it.
Guys, thank you for watching
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