F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge | Deconstructing Identity: Journey, Part Two

In Part 2 of the 'Fuck Fear' identity series, Christine Spratley delves deep into the importance of understanding one's identity beyond the roles we play. She explains how different roles are merely venues for expressing our true selves and shares personal experiences and insights on identifying and bridging the gaps between how we present ourselves and who we truly are. Christine talks about societal expectations, personal growth, and the challenges of staying true to oneself amidst external pressures. This episode aims to inspire listeners to embrace their true identity, grow continuously, and fill their cups from within.

00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview
00:48 Exploring Identity Through Roles
02:32 Unexpected Encounters and Reflections
04:18 The Gaps in Identity
06:21 Personal Reflections on Identity
08:38 Identity in Relationships and Life Phases
11:49 The Importance of Self-Validation
24:34 Concluding Thoughts on Identity

Creators and Guests

Host

Christine (HBIC) Spratley

Dynamic Public Speaker | Change Catalyst | Career Navigation Coach

What is F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge ?

This podcast is for anyone who wants to live like an HBIC—or lives with, works with, marries, dates, or is raising one. Let’s be real: being a Head Bitch in Charge is messy, bold, and unapologetically badass. This is not a guidebook—it’s a pantry.

My guests and I will share the ingredients that we use—what’s worked and what’s failed—as we say “fuck fear” and take action to live a fulfilled life. We cover real-life hacks and deep philosophical pillars to navigate the chaos of everyday life—where some days, my only accomplishment is having a bra on and my teeth brushed.

We’re tackling the daily shit women navigate, from workplace politics to relationships, raising kids, and building careers, all with humor, audacity, and zero filters.

So, tune in—tell your friends, and even your enemies. This isn’t about aging with grace—it’s about aging with mischief, audacity, and a damn good story to tell.

27 Fuck Fear
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[00:00:00]

riverside_may_2_raw-synced-video-cfr_fuck_fear_0042: Hello ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between. Welcome. You are listening to Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley, living like an H-B-I-C-A head bitch in charge. And this is gonna be episode number two of an identity series that we're doing focusing on kind of your identity and you know, why it's important to figure it out, how the hell you [00:01:00] figured it out.

And in my prior episode, we talked about a little bit about what I do with some of my coaching clients and taking you through the three columns and the fourth column of really, what, what do I pull from these roles? And the, the gist of it is, and I'm not gonna spoil it for you because I want you to listen to it, right, Joe.

Um, we, what it comes down to is that. When you're a wife, when you're a mother, when I, or when I am, I'm gonna use, I, when I'm a wife, I'm a mother, um, whatever role, I'm a business woman, I'm a speaker, I'm all of these things, right? But those are not my identity. My, those are the venues in which my identity gets to come to life in the stages that I get my identity to play on.

Okay, so I have an identity of me of what I am and who I am as a person, as a being. And these [00:02:00] are the roles in which I can display that person and that being, and it was funny because I was trying to figure out, all right, I'm gonna have some guests on, but they weren't able to come in just yet. And so I was like, okay, well how do I fill this segment?

Um, but life has a funny way when you really open up to it. It is amazing how things happen. So we taped on Monday or Tuesday. Um, I can't, or Wednesday, I don't even know. A couple days ago. A couple days ago. Let's just go that way. It was a few days ago and I knew my guests couldn't come on until next week, and now it's Friday.

And between now and then some things have happened. One of the things that that has happened is that. I have, um, I run into people now and I talk to 'em. If you can imagine me a talker no one knows that. And but I talk to a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons, but I pay attention to [00:03:00] what, what happens.

And I notice the people that come into my life and what we talk about. Actually typically kind of coincides with either what I'm going through or something that we've brought up in the segment and we don't talk about podcast. It's just generally what is happening. So I got on a dating app. I'm not dating, let's just put that out there. But I am curious about what the hell is going on. I am single. Um, I don't know what you know, and I'm very upfront with it. I'm like, literally, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what I want. And you, it's funny, Joe, you see all these things of this is who I am, this is my profile, this is mine.

I, I, I don't know what I have. I don't even know if I have a profile. I've got my cup pictures, I've got what I've done in my life, you know, some of the basics, just whatever. And um, and so it's been funny, but I've been talking. I've been, I've been talking to people and what's interesting is I was talking to this one gentleman and we have a lot in common [00:04:00] actually.

Um, and we were having a conversation the other day and I said, yeah, I'm com I, how do you do this? Like, is this just it? And I've been telling him kind of some of my experiences on, on the app just, and I'm not like seeing people or anything. It's like I'm just texting people literally. And um, and he said this, and it was really interesting 'cause it literally was a couple days ago after this first session, he says, yeah, it's interesting because what people convey themselves are as on their profile, who they convey themselves to be on when you talk to them, and then who they are when you meet them.

And we started talking about the gaps in between. Because that's all identity. Identity is who I tell you I am. Right? That's not really your identity. It's who I talk to you and tell you. Yeah, that's a part. You know, that comes through a little bit. But when I show up in person and I [00:05:00] see having interactions with you, I start to see who you are as your identity.

But what was interesting was he brought up the fact there's gaps between this. And so I started thinking, 'cause I, I do, I do try to do this and I would encourage anybody to do this. When you hear something and we talk about it being out there, society or people do this, what I like to do is I like to go, Christine, do you do this?

Where are your gaps? How do you, do you know your gaps? And why do you have gaps? So I became curious about. I wonder what I'm putting out there. Am I doing what I say? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the only way that I know that is if I'm truly understanding my identity, right? Because somebody can say, I'm a good guy, or I could sit here and say, I am really funny.

Well, what's funny, what's funny to you, Joe, is different than what's funny to [00:06:00] some other people. Right. If I say I'm a person that likes X, Y, and Z, or I'm a person that values honesty, okay, you can tell me that all day long. But what's I'm really gonna find out is when I see you in action in situations that require different degrees of honesty.

And your willingness to be honest. And so I had to kind of look at myself and go, again, we've been talking about identity, where, where am I with my identity? Which then kind of led to our conver my conversation with this person. And it wasn't a deep conversation. We were like joking, making cracking jokes and shit during it.

But it got me thinking about why is it so hard? You know, why are we putting out there something that we're not? You know, you, you were talking to me about this idea that you have and it was like, why do people want this thing? They say they want it, but that's not really, it doesn't, when they get there, it doesn't jive because it's not really who they are.

Um, I [00:07:00] had a guy in business tell me one time it was a mentor and um, it was in Dallas, Texas and he was, he ran big companies, um, for land development. He said, and I had this opportunity to take this high position and it was very on, on the spot. And he said, Christine, he said, not everybody likes the fire.

Everybody thinks they like the fire, but not everybody likes the fire. And it really made me think, because it really wasn't who I was. I don't like the fire. I am the great chaos manager and put her outer, but I don't like certain fires. It's not all fires, but I didn't like that fire and it really made me think.

So again, it was one of those things where it was like, what am I talking? What am I doing? Again, that column number two on my list of all the things that I'm doing. And then what do I like out of those [00:08:00] and what am I proud of and what do I take value in? Okay. And it's not, this, identities aren't something to me that are okay, this is the way it is and it's stuck like this forever.

Like we talked about earlier, before we got on the show about the different phases and seasons that we go in and live. And a great example of this was the reason why I was late this morning. I'm gonna blame Stephanie on this. Um, Stephanie Butler, my, my speech coach, she's actually, I call her my voice coach because she really helps me refine my thought and my voice and how I wanna show up in my speeches, what I wanna convey.

Um, and what we were talking, we were talking about a virginity, and it was funny because she's getting ready to get married and I have just left a marriage. We were talking about. People that around her and just in general, how there's different takes on things. Like, oh, they're [00:09:00] angry and they're never gonna get married and they're never gonna have a, you know, I don't need a man, or I don't want this, or I don't wanna do that.

And then there's other women that are like, oh, I want 20 kids and I want, this is my life and this is their identity. What we were talking, we got talking about it is that there are lots of things like what I've said in my previous podcast that when I was married I, I love the, I loved idea of marriage and my marriage was good for a long time until it wasn't for a long time.

And so, but that was the venue in which I displayed. So what did I like about it? I like the intimacy of. Having someone, I like being, having the family. I, those things were a, you know, I could display my kindness, my, and I could give and I could receive from that. And it was funny 'cause I was like telling her, I was like, no, go get married, go do it.

If that's, and I told, and we laughed 'cause I said, yeah, the ROI, for me to get married again [00:10:00] is gonna be a hell of a lot higher, have to be a hell of a lot higher and a hell of a lot quicker. You know, because I've done it. I've done those things. I, but before I didn't, I didn't have the experience of walking down the aisle of having someone commit.

And so I look at those things differently like now because my identity is still, but I still carry the things of wanting to have intimacy with another person of caring about another person of wanting to have that family and closeness and all of those other things. Um, so it's like, all right, well there's different venue.

For me, it's not marriage. Um, but it is for her. And so there's this gray area of being okay with the fact that your venue is changing, but taking your identity that that was part of that, and that you got to display on that and celebrating it in somewhere else in your life. And for her, it's really cool for me to be able [00:11:00] to sit there and go.

Yeah, this is what I learned and not be bitter and let her know that the things, I mean, I was like, I was like, why would you not wanna have kids? You're an amazing woman. That was just an amazing ability to be able to do and have an experience. Why would I tell you not to do it? I don't know. And I told her, I said, I don't know your husband or your fiance.

He could be a dick bum. For all I know, and until I know that I'm all for it, until I start seeing signs from you that make me go, huh? Again, I want her to celebrate her identity and if that's the venue in which she chooses to do that, I'm good with that. But if I am insecure, don't know my identity, and we have this gap of what I'm displaying, what does that do?

Okay, today I get up at early, um, and I work. And like four o'clock, that's when the [00:12:00] dogs get up. And then I could just get my computer to work. And I read this post on LinkedIn today and it was a good, it was a great post, but one of the things about it was, it was talking about how, you know, some people had to, um, witness your pain in order for it to be valid.

And we know, we've seen that. We see that in, and not just pain, but it got me thinking, you know, where else do we, we make people validate stuff. You know, um, and as a woman, I know women are going, we've had to validate shit. Women of color have to validate shit after. Like they have to validate and then validate.

Like we never take it for their, for their word. And, and women in general, a lot of times, especially in business, they just don't take it. Like we better have facts and figures in a chart, you know? Um, it's just been my experience. Now, some of that goes away with time. Because you've earned your stripes to a certain extent, but, [00:13:00] and not that, I'm not saying that we don't earn our stripes.

That's different. But I'm saying we walk in there having earned our stripes, we still have to usually validate there's just this, this thing that happens when we walk into the room and, um. One of the things though that's, that's interesting to me is that when I, and Joey talked about this yesterday, and I'll draw it to it or the other day, is that when I am insecure in my identity, when I don't know, and for whatever reason, I'm not looking, I'm not investigating, I'm not growing, what tends to happen and what this woman, you know, was saying was people ask, you know, make you validate it.

What tends to happen with me is I start to interrogate myself. Make me validate my pain, my competence, the way I think, the way I feel, my identity. I judge myself more. And when I do that, I judge others more than I am uncomfortable with you. Your [00:14:00] identity I make, you have to validate who you are. I'm not saying, and again, I wanna be very clear here.

I'm not saying everybody gets a free pass. I'm not saying we shouldn't be judgemental and all that. I'm talking about. This need for them to justify themselves in order for me to be okay. Is it possible that the the underlying issue that if you're having a hard time understanding, I feel like for me, the thing that makes a lot of sense is when you don't know your identity like you're saying, and so you haven't [00:15:00] found out what's fulfilling to you.

Most of us are chameleons or people pleasers. And when we come into a room insecure, like you're saying, we're looking for cues on how we should act from other people. Mm-hmm. And they don't have the same value for what makes us happy. Or most of the time it's selfish on the behalf. Like if you're talking about an employee situation, it's like, great, how could I be a better employee?

And that's more about what you can do to be better for them. It's, it goes back to the first column when my, when we talked about the road, what the roles. It's always when I talk and I coach people or when I'm having issues, it's because I am not comfortable with my own identity or don't know it and I'm trying to fit the role in relative to you.

Does that make sense? Yeah. It's like I am more worried and it's not even being worried. It is how I sit there and think. And like you said, you walk into a room and you're people pleasing or I am looking for you Again, it is just funny. This one guy texted me and he was like, yeah, [00:16:00] people aren't here.

You know, I, I don't want someone who, um, is sucking things outta me to fulfill them. And I was, again, I don't talk to that guy anymore 'cause he is kinda weird, um, in my opinion. Um, but that was one thing I took away from it was, that's right, you don't. You walk into the room and when you're half full and you're looking for something from someone else, then you're, then you're asking about, Ooh, I need you to give me this.

And the more I do that, the more critical, and again, the more critical I am of you to fulfill that role. And do you think the reason that it's so easy for people to do that is because it's easier to let other people tell you how to win than to figure out what you actually want and then have to figure out how to win?

Yeah. That's, that's the hardest thing to do. Not just win, but live. It is we and, and [00:17:00] we can say that we're in this culture of easy fixes and entitlement and all that shit, but if you really look, it's been like that. Whether it be the system we've set up and the white picket fence and dah, dah, or whether it be corporate or whatever, it is so much easier for a while to mail it in than it is to do the work.

And for me personally. And, and this goes to a, again, last night I was at dinner. Um, we went into. Carrie and we ate at this restaurant and um, we sat outside. It was eight. 21 when we sat down, they closed at nine and this, and I waited tables and the person that I was with, she waits, she had waited tables in bartend.

So we were like, oh man, we're that table, you know that table that shows up? And, and we were, we were like going, okay, we can't order anything. That's the last thing on the line that's been cooked and it's sitting there and you know, but it [00:18:00] was funny. And then we were talking about the waiter, the wait, the waitress area, and, um.

We're like, we tried to make it her life a little bit easier and 'cause we knew, we were like, listen, you can go do your, you can go do your side work and you can take care of your other tables because she has a ton of other tables as well. And, um, you know, we understand we're not a problem. But what was interesting is we started talking to her and we walked, when she walked up, we, she had this big, gorgeous tattoo on her arm and it wasn't colored or anything.

It was black and white and I, or black and and gray. And so I like those, you know, me. And we both were like, let us see your tats. Um, so her face lit up and she started telling it and she had this tat and it was, I can't really describe it other than it was all upper her arm. And she says it represents growth.

All of her tats twos had images of something that represented something for her and it were meaningful and it was representing growth. And she says, this is reminds me that my whole life is about growth and which is about identity growing, understanding, [00:19:00] and. Anyway, we got talking to her and she was like, I really needed this conversation because I've been having a really hard time.

She said, I worked in corporate, I loved corporate. Now I'm doing this and I don't understand where I fit, and everyone is telling me where I should be, how it should be, what it should look like, what this looks like, and, and I was just like, no. No one has it figured out. Go listen to Pink Song. All I know so far.

No one has it figured out. There's no, if they have the steps, it's gotta be a framework. 'cause you've gotta build it. It is your cake to build. It is your identity. And then we start talking. And I, like I said, I think this is the deal. I think my, my thing here on life is to learn how to live. Is to find out who I am and engage in that and become better and do that because it helps.

And I don't think it's just for my benefit. I, I don't, I think it's for the those from behind [00:20:00] me and others. So they go, oh, she can, she did that. Oh, she was confused, but it still looked okay, or it still was okay. Or she baked her own cake. Now I'm gonna go bake my cake and I'm gonna figure out how much of this pantry item I wanna use.

But yeah, Joe, everybody is so much easier mailing it in. But I don't think I, I don't think it's, it's easier at first because I think that's why I have so many miserable people is because they're waiting for other people to fix their problems or. Make them okay, but they don't even know what makes them okay.

It's kinda like the conversation we had the other day. It's like, how can I read your mind when they don't even know? And instead of fumbling around in the hallway, they open the door and they run in, they shut it. I am very open about.

Everybody's safe with me. I'm, I don't know. And, and I'm not in the sense of your sexuality, who you are, and who you see yourself, how you [00:21:00] identify as yourself. And again, I'm really bad at this, so if I'm gonna piss somebody off, I'm pro. I'm just gonna let you know. I'm probably not gonna use the right terminology.

I'm not trying to be ignorant. I just ignorant on it because I haven't done my homework. I will do my homework next time. But there is this person that I follow on Instagram. And, um, she had, she's Transect trans. She, she's transsexual or whatever it's called. And again, I think that's right. What I came from that and listening to the clip was, it was said what they really hate about us is that we are free and we are comfortable with who we are and.

I don't care what your thoughts on who said it. Okay. But take this thought from that. 'cause this is what I did, is I was like, who pisses me off? Like, there are people that piss you off and they've done you wrong and everything, but who [00:22:00] are the ones that all of a sudden they piss you off and you don't really know why?

Or you've got a grudge against them. And, and it's, and again, it's typically people that. I ha have more comfort in themselves than I have in myself. I'm not talking about people that have done you wrong. Okay. But I wonder sometimes if when we're out there looking and we're drawing these boxes, say this is to be the way it is, rather than for you because it's for me.

Yeah. And I'm not saying that people who don't like trans, you know, that are, that are against, that are that I'm saying that there's some insecurity with who they are and their identity because we talked about this. Joe, if you know who you are, then why am I so worried about the other person if I know who I am and I'm not afraid to [00:23:00] find out.

I know this happens in relationships. People shut the shit down. They will go emotional to here, but we're not going down three levels because that's their shit. That's their, they're, they're done. They can't do that. They're not comfortable. And then what happens is the more you want to have that conversation or go deep, they're like, ah, no.

And they get mad. They get angry. You know, but that's about them and their shit. It's about them not wanting, or it's about me going, Hey, hey. And so I resent the fact that other people are free in that, that they're comfortable with themselves, especially when I'm uncomfortable. So again, this is the identity.

Who are you and why the hell are you so afraid to be with you and find out who you are? Because the great thing about it is if you don't like your identity. You get to change it, but you can't [00:24:00] change it if you don't know what the hell it is. And if everything you do and your identity is based on how other people see you and the role you are playing, because all the roles can change, all the roles change.

Even if you have the same fricking job your whole life. It is gonna ebb, it's gonna flow. You're gonna have different people around you. You're gonna have different, I mean, look at our world today in business completely. You know, we talked about that a little bit, Joe. You know, we got, it's just crazy. I find it really interesting. And then there, we're gonna talk a little bit more about this, um, because I'm gonna talk to you about. Showing how this shows up in relationships for your identity and how it shows up in, in, in business, your identity. But today I thought we'd talk and then I'm gonna have some people on as well.

But then today I thought we would just sit and talk about, all right, [00:25:00] why did we not go find out who the hell we are? Isn't that like our job in life is to live? And so why, why not? And I'll tell you, if you're afraid to, if you're afraid to, aren't you, isn't it scarier not to live, not to go through your whole life knowing who you are and who you want to be?

And I'm not trying to boo you into taking action. You can do whatever the hell you want, but. I don't know. I just, people are always looking for the fix or the thing in life, or you know, that that gives them this or does this or makes them this when it's looking at you in the mirror, that is the most interesting person.

Okay. One last story and then we'll have a whole podcast on this if, if, if we want to, but. [00:26:00] Um, I was on this site and this guy was like, I'm looking for the love of my life. You know, the love of the one, true love of my life. And, um, he sounds like the guy that grows tobacco on the Simpsons. Yeah. Cletus.

Cletus. But it's like, I'm like, okay, that's your opening line. And so again, me being a smart ass said, well. I found mine and it's me. And if that's an issue, keep scrolling. And then I was talking to Stephanie today and I said, and we were literally talking and, and, and she's like, yeah, I want my husband to be the love of his life.

Him be the love of his life and me be the love of my life. And then together they get to create this wonderful thing.

And it's, [00:27:00] again, it's not the selfish, it's take it, take it a step further, open up. 'cause I know some people are going, wow, you're selfish. It's all about you. It's all about everything. No, when you really love yourself and know yourself, you are so much capable. You are so much more capable of giving and serving of others to others.

You can't transmit something you haven't got and something you need doesn't come from others.

It comes from yourself when it comes to your identity, when it comes to filling the gaps in the holes inside. Anyway, for me, maybe you're different. If it is, go get it from everybody else. But again, if I have a headache and I need you to take the aspirin, you may or may not, but I [00:28:00] know where that aspirin bottle is.

I know how to look at me in the mirror. I don't always like to, it's been really hard these last six months, but I would trade. I wouldn't trade that because this is the life to live for me. So ladies and gentlemen, why are you not getting to know you and what fun you could have? Maybe the identity you want isn't in that role.

Maybe it's, maybe you get to display it on a bigger, more grander stage or a smaller, more intimate stage. I don't know. Maybe it's on the stage, it needs to be, but make sure you understand that and celebrate that. Celebrate your identity. You are enough in that. And if you don't like something, tweak it.

Change it. Grow, grow, grow, grow. [00:29:00] But don't be out there. Be inside. Take a look. Get it from yourself.

Fill your cup up with who you are.

So until next time, ladies and gentlemen, tubs,