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Welcome to Coffee Can't Fix Everything, a unique podcast where we delve into the complex and often misunderstood world of mental health, all over a comforting cup of coffee. In each episode, we sit down with a steaming brew to have candid, heart-to-heart conversations about various aspects of mental health.
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you
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Hello everybody, welcome to Coffee Can't Fix Everything. This is a conversation where we talk about mental health over a cup of coffee or tea, whatever your vibe is. Today I have with me someone I know, the homie. I'm so grateful that you're here. Marcella, thank you so much. We're sitting on the couch with me. How have you been? How are you doing? How's everything going? Cory, first off, thank you for having me. I am so excited to be here. Perhaps a little nervous
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I reached out and I said, Cory, what's the topic? You said, I can't tell you the topic. Those that know me know that I like to prepare and over prepare. So winging it is the thing, not my style. But I'm excited to be here and just have a conversation around whichever topic we're designing. Yes, yeah. Well, and a lot of people don't know that it's by design that I don't tell anybody nothing until they get here.
01:01
It's true. And the only reason why I told you yesterday come by I know her. Yes. And I know she wants to work with me. So I'll give you a little bit of idea. Appreciate that. But you know, Marcella, I wanted to talk about stress with you and not because I feel like you're this stressful person. It did cut me thinking. I'm like, wait a minute. But you're a mother. You're a business owner.
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You're a wife. You're in corporate America doing your thing, right? And, like I said before we started recording, you have this energy around you that I feel like people come to you with their problems. And.
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that can be stressful. You know what I mean? And I'm sure you've been a mentor to people in dealing with stressors. You're in human resources. Some in stress when it comes to employee relations maybe. Yes. So I feel like you're the perfect person to talk about with this, about this certain situation. So one, I would just personally like to know,
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and because of your background, how do you deal with the stress of others? Okay, all right. So we'll start with how do I manage stress? Yes. And I will say if you would have asked me this question 10 years ago, I would have said, I have no idea. I'm just working hard and my back hurts here and there and I have horrible
02:48
About five years ago, I started realizing and becoming more aware of my emotions and how certain things triggered me through journaling. I know it sounds crazy, but I think sometimes just taking the time at the end of the day to reflect on how am I feeling and why really helps me, how do I feel energy wise really helps ground me. Then I also do yoga. And for me, yoga just helps.
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me understand that life is a journey, right? There are ups and downs and it's not about the destination, it's about enjoying every moment and figuring out what am I learning from this. So I think I shared this with you. So my master's degree is in Caledonian Psychology. I went to Drake and I remember one of my professors always talking about what narrative are you telling yourself?
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Right? So what story do we tell ourselves? And one of the things that always has stayed with me is if we tell ourselves that, hey, I'm stressed, I'm stressed, I'm stressed, we're going to be walking around stressed out. But if we tell ourselves the story of, hey, this happened and this is what I'm learning out of it, then we're utilizing our growth mindset because we're finding the positive aspect of
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when life happens. Right. So it's just not to simplify it, but it's always just trying to stay positive, being positive all the time. I think being a realist, right? So I would say bad things are gonna happen, right? The way I would describe it is there are things that we have control, no control or influence. So whenever life happens and I try to step back and say, all right, do I have control?
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over this, right? If I do great, let me take care of it, right? So if, you know, if my vehicle is having issues and it's stressing me out, let me take care of it and address it. Control, right? When it comes to people, there is some people that are going to create stress, right? So then at that point, then I realized I have influenced by having open
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days especially in HR. Oh my goodness. It's really about giving people the space to talk and then try to come in at it from a perspective of here's the why, here's a perspective, here's something to consider right and what I have found out especially in employee relations is when you take the time to listen to people they may not agree with the outcome but they understand.
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Right, you took that time to at least listen to their perspective, which shows a sign of respect. You know what I mean? You know, when, what I've noticed about myself when it comes to stress, and I've always almost built my, I hate using this word, almost built my brand on being positive, is that when I
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Really? Oh my gosh, because I'll hear all the time, poor you, always happy. Why you always happy? And I've always had a mindset of like almost similar to what you said, like there are things I can't control, there are things I can't control, I'm just gonna control what I can, be grateful for what I have and keep it moving. Like what I gotta be mad about. But like life be life sometimes, right? Yeah, you agree. You know, it's like, oh my gosh.
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I have, I've been so positive where I haven't given myself, I haven't learned the tools how to react when positivity doesn't help.
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You know what I mean? And it didn't makes me anxious. So then like, I will at some point, we'll be going to therapy. Like I will, I just haven't done it yet. Like coaching I think is what we call it nowadays, right? I will be doing something, cause I know I need those tools. And I have some, you know, doing what I do, I do have some tools to help myself through that. But I think there, I say all that to say, I think there are a lot of people that.
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know that they are, they can feel it coming. Like, man, something's stressing them out, whether it's life, whether it's a life, personal life, or does that work, whatever the case may be. And they see it coming, they just don't know their go-to reaction is anger, or lashing out in some way. And that's, in a way, I kind of understand it, because it's like...
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If you don't know how to put it somewhere, what else are you going to do? Yes, however, it's kind of rough.
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As you can tell from my accent, right, I was born in Mexico and I recall when I was probably 11 years old, my dad would drive through the drive through at McDonald's, would try to place an order and would try to say Happy Meal. And they could never understand him. And what the other person would do is they would raise their voice, right, thinking if I just raise my voice, then he's going to understand.
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happened that my dad would raise his voice and it was just it was not a pleasant interaction for everyone involved including me as a child because right so from my perspective even though sometimes we just want to go and scream and raise our voice typically what happens is we tend to mirror people's tones and it never leads to a good outcome right right I think one of the
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implemented this year is I took about a month off and traveled across the country. Yeah, I saw the pictures. I saw the pictures. I needed it. One of the things that I did is I identified what my goals were for 2024 and I committed to myself to anything that did not help achieve those goals, I was going to say no to. And it sounds easy to do, but Corey.
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Yo, it's hard. It's hard. I'll give you an example. I was About probably three weeks ago. I got a Instant messenger I rarely check Facebook, but there's some app for a reason I checked it and it was an invite to be a part of Dancing with the Stars Des Moines. Oh, I okay and I thought that sounds so much fun. That sounds cool
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Okay, tell me more. And I wanted to say yes so bad, right? So I actually did say yes to be completely honest. So I said yes, and then...
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I thought about it and I said, okay, how is being a part of a show, learning a dance in the next two weeks going to help me with my goals for 2024? And I thought, right now it doesn't. It's just going to add more stress because I have, like you said. So being able to say no and just being able to say, you know what, thank you for thinking of me. At this time, I cannot, but here are some other people to consider.
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Yo, that feels good. But I will say though, at this stage in your career though, Marcella, you can say no. But let's talk about that, right? Yes. In this stage in my career, I will tell you, a good mentor about, gosh, five, seven years ago, because before I used to have a hard time saying no. Yeah. I'd be saying yes or no when I should say no. Yes.
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I think that...
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You know, to be completely transparent, I feel that as a person of color, we have to be sometimes twice as good, or twice as hard, or at least that's my reality, right? And maybe that's a me issue and I own it. But I felt that if I said no to something, how is this going to impact my professional career? But I had a mentor about five years ago said, you know, don't think about it as saying no.
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as a way to lift someone else up that you know and give them the opportunity. And after that, I was like, you know what? I can do that. That I can do. So now whenever I'm not able to do something because it doesn't align or I just don't have the time because it's going to take away from my goals, then I always recommend someone else and uplift someone else. Yeah, and that feels good. 100%. That feels really good. Yes.
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I like that a lot. I think I need to implement that more for myself personally. Even if it is something that I feel like I would want to do, or if I do have the mental capacity or the space or the time to do it, I think for me, even just, prime example.
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I was asked to speak out to I was speaking engagement. All right. All this is dope. Yes You know, I'm like it's one it meets it meets my my 2024 goals, right? It checked all the boxes now like oh The stress of it
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was like, ah dude, and Marcelo, these were, I were talking to my people, right? I was talking to people that understand what I'm saying. It was a topic that I could talk about.
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fresh out of bed without even preparing. Like it was one of those things where it was like, oh, what am I stressed about? Let's dive into that, right? So what about, so if it wasn't learning the content, if it wasn't, so what was it about it that stressed you out? I think, and this is some, this could be a whole nother podcast, Okay. what I'm about to say, but it's the fear.
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and the stress of success. Yeah. And so that, because there was no excuse not to do it. I ended up doing it, and it went fine. OK. Right? But it was like. It went fine. I'm sure it went great, but you're. Yeah. It was good. People enjoyed it. It wasn't as nerve-racking as I always thought it was going to be. But it was also an opportunity where I could have been like.
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you know, maybe I can give it to this person that I know who knows the same topic, who can speak well, but again, it met my goals, but all it was, it was the stress of what comes after. Okay. It sounds crazy, but there are, I know so many people that have a fear of winning. Yeah.
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Well, it's imposter syndrome. Have you heard of imposter syndrome? Imposter syndrome, absolutely. It's a real thing. And then when, as you know, especially when last year, 40 under 40. Ooh, getting up there? Yo.
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You're looked at in a different light, the stress of that. Like, it's like, okay, now how do I hold my, it's a whole different thing. You know what I mean? It's like, how do you, if you're not, if you're not prepared to handle that, it can be, I've had some great things happen because of that. That's awesome. Some great things happen. Yes. Great things. Yes. But.
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if I wasn't prepared for that, and still, you know, it was given, I felt like I was prepared, like I was ready for it, I felt like I deserved it, it was great, but the stress of, oh my God, what's gonna, how do I respond to people, all these questions, how do you deal with the questioning of your success? Like, how do you? Ooh, that's deep. Yup, yeah.
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You know, I need a couple days to prepare that question. I need stats. No, I would say it has
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So prior to returning back to working locally, I worked for a company out in the East Coast. And one of the things that I recall on day one, I was in Charleston, South Carolina, and thinking I made it. I finally am a director and I have direct reports and I'm building something. And I thought, what's next? And then part of me, I thought,
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to make it here, and now you're thinking about what's next. So it was at that point, probably Martin, you or so later, that I realized that success is defined by the people around you. Success means to me is being able to show up as my authentic self and be comfortable in it, right? I believe that titles are great because they do help, and you know, money is great too.
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definitely helps. But for me at this point in my career it's the entire package. It's about what's the purpose? Who am I doing it with? You and I know that we're top performers right? So we can do what we do anywhere. But it's really about the people in your team. I believe that when you work around individuals that are 9 and 10, they're not threatened by you. They embrace you and that to me is success.
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I like. One of the reasons why I love Des Moines is because we have access to mentors, right, and to people that you can reach out and say, hey, would you meet with me? And they say yes. They say yes. Yes, that is, I'm so grateful for that. And it does make, it makes the journey a
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this moment in your life where you start to train always a mentee but you're starting to transition more to I'm assuming a mentor kind of role how how do you have like a way you talk to people about managing their stress or time or navigating stressful situations like is there something that you do or say to people? Well I'm an HR right so coaching is this kind of
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Oh, this is right up your alley. I always like whenever I'm coaching leaders, I talk about current state and their desired state, right? Because it's that transition that typically causes a lot of stress because we don't have a plan, right? We know we want to be here and we know we're here. Sometimes we don't take the time to figure this out. So typically what I do, I ask a lot of questions, right?
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because typically we learn by talking, not by me telling them what to do, right? I'm a firm believer as a coach, I need to influence in how people want to change, right? Yeah. So the only way I can do that is by understanding them, and the only way I can understand leaders is by asking questions. Right. That is, but what are the...
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If there's somebody right here, right now, they're like, Marcella, I wanna do right, I wanna do better, I wanna be a better version of myself. 2024, let's go. What does that mean to you, Corey? What are the questions you ask? Yes, what are those questions? So what does that mean to you? What does that look like? What does that feel like? Yeah.
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What does that it feels like money? I'm just talking crazy So money okay, what are you gonna do with the money is it get a nicer vehicle? Okay? Why does that matter to you? Maybe it's because you know your car is falling apart Yeah, right maybe it's because the sense of status it so again
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person is different. Right. So it's just about identifying and helping them figure it out. Okay let's have you start acting like your future self right in order for you to get there. No that's acting like your future self. I really like that.
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You said something earlier, and I want to go back to it because it stood out to me. And correct me if I'm wrong how you said it, but there was three parts to control.
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And there is one about what you can influence. Right? And that really stood out to me. Can you talk a little bit about that more? Like when you say, okay, I can control A, I can't control B, but I can influence C. Yeah. So for example, if you're at a table, be prepared. You can.
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I can ask thought provoking questions, right? I think many times as someone who is privileged to be at tables where some people of color don't, I almost take it as a responsibility to speak up and say something, because if I don't, then who else, right? Right. So to me, it's just asking the questions in a way that will create thought provoking
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conversations and it's through conversation and understanding that we can create change. Now there's going to be times that even when you ask the questions, organizations are not ready and that's okay. Then we go to no control, right? Right. But then there are times where you can ask the questions and be prepared through data, right? And data, I mean, qualitative and quantitative and tell them the why, right? And then after that, it's really out of our control.
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Right. I feel like when it comes, just the overall conversation we're talking about, we're talking about stress, I feel like a lot of the things you're saying, it comes down to time management. Yeah. Because if you're not prepared, or preparation, right? Oh, yes. I'm sure walking in today, not knowing what I was going to say, was stressful. Oh, you're good. You couldn't see my whole stress, or inches, or nothing.
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Yes, what's your secret Cory? Just not be caring.
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I don't know. This is my element. I love doing this. This is just fun to be. You're an authentic self, right? Yes, right. But I feel like there are times in my life or even at work where if I don't have things... I say this a lot. If it's not on my calendar, it doesn't exist. Right? But it took me a while to get there to like, oh, you want to do that next month at 2 o'clock?
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Next month at two o'clock comes and I'm like...
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Where are you? What? You mean we were supposed to meet? I know. Yeah. And I think I'm trying, and I'm not all the way there yet, Marcella, if I'm being 100% honest. No, I think. The more organized I am, the more prepared I am for the day, for the week, for the month, the less stressed I feel. I can see that. And as you're saying that, you know, I think when you have it under,
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understanding of who you are and your values are, you're less likely to be stressed because you're staying true to who you are. Yes. Right? Mm-hmm. And I will say that it gets easier as you get older. You can't. I mean, I wish I could tell myself, hey, it's gonna be fine myself. Yo, I know, I know. It's gonna be fine, just keep doing you. Just keep going. But at that, you know, when you're in your, you know, twenties and you just, you just, you wanna go for it, right? Yeah. And you wanna say yes to everything.
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And as I reflect, I do wonder if my priorities were sometimes upside down. So yeah.
24:39
So again, with age comes learning. Yep. And with learning comes continuous improvement. Yeah. So that at least is my last question for you because I won't be mindful of your time. Oh, Lord. What would you? When it comes to, you've talked a lot about today about being your authentic self. And I think that is.
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so important but in depending on what world you're coming from whether it be the corporate world or whatever it can be hard to be your authentic self in certain spaces. How do you get to the point how do you manage that stress of wanting to be your authentic self but not necessarily understanding how some people are going to take it but also
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really caring how some people take it. What is that? What is that like for you? What is that fine line? Yeah, what's that fine line? I would say for me, if I'm, if I am not my authentic self at work, then that's not a place where I'm gonna be my best, right? And if I am not my best, then how can I perform at my best, right? So I am very
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being a part of teams that are comfortable with allowing people to be their authentic selves, right? And that means the whole accent and the whole thing, right? Yep, all of it.
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I think some organizations and cultures are not ready for that. So everyone has to make a decision and be self-aware of, am I willing to go into work and pretend and act like someone that I'm not? And if you are, great, maybe that's where you are right now. But I would tell you for me, that is not where I am at today. I believe that when people find a space...
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where they can be their authentic selves, they tend to be better performers. So that is, and I think that's why so many companies are working on culture, right? And culture at the end of the day is made up by people, right, organizations are made up by people. Word, word. And that's why, I mean, just prime example, and I know a lot of, especially a lot of, I know a lot of professionals of color that were like, me included, I'm like, yo, I'm gonna dress,
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what I feel comfortable in that's still professional. Still professional, but I'm gonna wear my sneaks. I'm gonna wear my kicks. And I'm gonna look professional and I'm still gonna do my job well. And I'm gonna come be myself.
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The day I threw my dress shoes away was the best day. I was coming to work, Marcelo, the dress shoes on with the slacks, with the tucked in shirt, I don't know, this, I look crazy to me. And everybody was like, you look- You're like, who's that? Yeah, they're like, you look so nice today. I'm like, yeah, thank you. I'm like, you're like, man, this is trash. I don't feel like myself. Yeah, I'm about gonna lie to you. Marcelo, I lied. I hope nobody from Broad Laws hears this.
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or from my organization that I work. I lied and said, oh, my chiropractor said I could wear my sneakers because my back hurts. I hurt my back, so I gotta wear my... Ha ha ha. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. So I'm assuming there was no paperwork requested? No. But I kept wearing them. No one said anything. Yeah. And I was like, oh, let me just kind of put my own. Let me be me. Let me be professional for myself.
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And then I was like, man, I feel good. And I can be myself, and I can still, and I'm still coaching, I'm still doing my thing, I'm still being professional, but I'm not a caricature of myself.
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I'm just gonna add one more thing. So it's funny that you say that. So about a month ago, I gave in and bought some Air Force One. And I've been wearing them with slacks. I like, you know, whoever came up with this trend, I'm loving it. Yo, it's dope. But I think for our generation, it's a mindset, right? It's a change. It's like, wait, am I gonna be looked at as, I'm not as professional because I'm wearing tennis shoes. So it's a process.
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It is a process, but I think I'm I have the privilege I do have privilege but I am thankful of a mindset of I I've been doing this a long time people know who I am That you know saying I'm just not some Joe snow off the street You know, you know me so there is that like okay that that's Cory we get it but
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But still, I think that being able, going back to your point, being able to be my authentic self wherever I go, whether it's at work or at a board meeting or wherever, I think that not only is better for me mentally, but I'm able to give to wherever I'm at in the best way possible. Showing up as your authentic self is your best self. Everybody wins. I agree.
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Marcella thank you so much for being here. See this wasn't that bad was it? No, thanks for having me. Yes, hey so before I get going for anybody that wants to connect with you, where can they find you? LinkedIn is probably the easiest way. So my last name is quite lengthy. And I'll have it in the description of the episode too. Yes, but again, anything I can do to help you.
30:41
Like you said, I do tend to people are very comfortable talking to me and I am happy to provide guidance and coaching anywhere Yeah Everybody thank you for listening to coffee can't fix everything now. This is just a show where we talk about mental health Mental health is important. This is I am NOT a therapist I am not either if you're seeking if you need help get help get support I will have those links in the description as well
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we can keep having the conversation to break that stigma. I'll let you later. In that.