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Cinema PSYOPS is a weekly film review podcast where we experiment on an impressionable mind to find out why physical wounds heal, but Cinematic ones don't.
There is very little time or point in an explanation. To be blunt,
the audio came from a timeline and dimension that has collapsed at
a quantum level, rendering it null and void in terms of existence.
Operational time in the dimensional continuum where the beings that created
the audio collapsed in on itself, rendering all of their
civilization, including technology, null and void. Timelines across
the entire continuum are collapsing and changing. The destruction
has a nexus that centers on cinema. Psyops.
Ten years. Man. 1010 years.
Ten years. Man ten years. Ten years.
1010 years.
Ten years.
What is the most likely way humanity will be wiped out? Maybe it's
something from space. Or us. Although the way the world ends
might be because of you. And if this is the case, you wouldn't have any
control over it. The global temperature rise underscores a
chilling reality. Our planet is trying to tell us something, but we
don't seem to be listening. A recent study has suggested that one. Third of annual
deaths due to heat are directly related to global warming.
On top of the initial flash of thermonuclear light,
which is 180 million degrees, which catches everything on fire
in a nine mile diameter radius. On top of the bulldozing
effect of the wind, all the buildings coming down, and more fires
igniting more fires on top of the radiation if they happen to
have survived poisoning people to death. On top of all that, each one
of these fires creates a mega fire that is
100 or more square miles.
Timelines across the entire continuum are collapsing and changing.
The destruction has a nexus that centers on cinema psyops.
A breathtaking scientific revolution is taking place.
Biotechnology has been progressing at stunning speed.
Giving us the tools to eventually gain. Control over biology,
solving the deadliest diseases, while also creating viruses
more dangerous than nuclear bombs. Able to devastate humanity.
It's man returning to the most primal,
violent state as people fight over the tiny
resources that remain. What if the world we live in is just a dream
or a simulation? Whether it's a dream or some advanced computer game you
are playing right now, now, when it ends, you would be what causes the end
of the world. Please, do us all a favor. Continue dreaming or playing
this game of life, because when you wake up or. Unplug, there's a chance the
rest of. Us will be blaked out of existence. Timelines across the entire
continuum are collapsing and changing. The destruction has a
nexus that centers on cinema. Silence.
1010 years. Ten years.
Hello.
And welcome to the 473rd consecutive
week of cinema psyops. I'm your host, Cort. The guy that loses
count and is drinking his fucking hippie calories live on the
air for these recordings. And joining me in wondering what the fuck I meant by
that is my co host, Matt. What's a fucking hippie calorie? What the fuck
are you doing over there? I don't know. I've been watching this dad bod Gump
guy that keeps coming up on my, like, social media reels, things that I
click through, and he explains to people that ate too many weed
gummies or what have you or had too many milliseconds. He calls them hippie calories.
Sometimes he calls it spicy candy. You know, he just.
I don't know if they can actually say that what. What they are on.
I don't think they can. Or else, like, they get, like, taken videos get taken
down. Let's. It's kind of like how people. You can't say, like, kill anymore.
You have to say unalive. Right, right. Okay. So it's just forcing people to change
their lexicon. Right. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know, the dumbest
fucking shit possible. That's all we really have to say. The dumbest
fucking shit possible. We've already established this over I don't
know how many weeks since we've started doing this show when we realize
that you and I live in the stupidest timeline that has ever existed. Yeah,
but it's true. And now you have to say hippie
calories instead of talking about actual THC content or milligrams of THC,
and you have to say unalive instead of kill people because it's. We're being
forced to learn different speech because of moderation. Because of moderation.
Yeah. They feel like if you see the word kill, you could trigger
somebody. And I'm like, what are you fuckers even talking about?
Yeah, I mean, I get it. I get it. I don't want to cause
people harm by my existence. Fucking help it anymore.
Well, I mean, none of us can. Uh, that's the probably problem with jet
access. Maybe we should be done away with, because no matter what happens.
Yeah. We just basically just cause harm to people with our pure existence.
Well, all the people that were born, well, well, after us that didn't have to
live through the threat of nuclear war, constantly being terrified all the time. We're looking
at them like we're fucking James Franco. First time. Yeah, first time.
Ballad of Buckster Scruggs. You're right. Yeah, right there. First time. Like, that's.
That's us. That's. That's our generation. Anybody that's in their, like, mid to late forties
right now and just slightly older, but, like, just below boomer.
Yeah. I'm just like, yeah, dude, I was doing this
in kindergarten, first and second grade, having to worry about this
shit. Yeah. And I know that the audience is like, oh, boy. How is cort
going to tie this in to segue to talk about the film that they're talking
this week? Watch me, folks, because here it comes. Are you ready? Well,
this could be epic. One of the things that Matt and I definitely use to
try and distract ourselves from the terror and fear that we felt while
living through the Reagan administration as children and wondering when the bombs were going to
drop, was enjoying this week's film, which is major league. It helped
you forget about just how quickly the world could blink
out of existence when you were a child in the eighties. You're goddamn right.
Pre AIDS Charlie Sheen. I mean, Tom Beringer,
brand new Wesley Snipes. This is the shit.
This is one of the most motivational sports films that even
people who give zero fucks about sports have seen a billion times.
This may be it's not me. This, in my opinion,
is the greatest movie about baseball that ever has been made.
Now, everybody else, that's comedy, emotional drama. If there's
a movie centered around baseball, this is still the best. It beats
out field of dreams for. Me, but there is so much better than field
of dreams. But there is one film that I personally enjoy slightly more,
although I will submit to you, is not a better film. Can I take a
guess? Yeah, go ahead. Is it bull Durham? No, but that was close.
That would be my third favorite, right? Yeah. Mister baseball
with Tom Selleck himself because of the culture shock of him having to go to
jail. I fucking love that movie. I could see it, but, yeah, no, for me,
it's still the still major league. I mean, dude, you got.
I don't never know if I'm ever pronouncing his name right,
but Dennis Hasbert as Serrano.
I mean, the guy who does the Allstate commercials now, and he's fucking Serrano
in this fucking shit's just mad awesome. And then you have
Bob fucking Euchre. Can I ask you a question, Matt? Are you in
good hands? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. All right,
so now everybody's questioning, okay? You brought up the whole, like, spicy candy,
hippie calories thing that you're going to be drinking through the show cort. What does
that mean? And how are you going to segue into talking about it? Well,
watch me anyway. My experiment for this week to try and make
things a little bit more interesting is I'm going to be drinking roughly
20 to 30 milligrams of a type
of THC that is farm bill legal that will dissolve into
a drink and is tasteless and odorless. It's in my pop that I
normally drink to be able to make me speak. So as we do your
show and I run slowly out of pop and I'm drinking it, we're going to
get me progressively more stone before I do the notes on my show,
which is immediately following this one. So we're going to have a sloppy,
sloppy time for when we cover next week's show as well. So this is a
little experiment. We're going to see how bad it gets. And if this works,
I'm going to do this with the hippie calories every week instead of smoking on
air. There you go. Let's give it a shot. Right. And why am I
calling them hippie calories? Because it bugs the shit out of Matt and me,
and it's a lot easier than just saying, you know, farm Bill legal THC.
Exactly. Yeah. Just. It's going to annoy the piss out of both of us.
Right. And why do nothing if you're not a masochist? Yeah.
All right. And now, how am I going to tie together the conversation about the
TikTok, hippie calories, and major league and us on this podcast?
How am I going to tie that all together, Matt? I don't know, but I
can't wait to see it. All right, so we're talking about how you have to
have moderation and how things have to be thought about for
sensitivity and other people's feelings. And we're talking major league and we
have to deal with it. The team was the Indians. It was racist as fuck.
It was wrong as fuck. Every single reference to
Native Americans in any way, shape, or form where they refer to the ball pit
as the reservation. All that kind of shit is fucking.
That's the ballpark, is the reservation? Yes, yes.
Sorry, I'm misspeaking because I'm already starting to feel the effects and it's okay,
but what I'm getting at is it's fucked. It was fucking racist.
We were aware of it then, but we all tried to pretend like
it wasn't. It was fucked up. You know, let's not. Let's not be wrong.
We were not aware of it then. We were so blind to it. We really
didn't get it into our face until years later, when in
real baseball. The Atlanta Braves made the World Series and started being really
good. The protest groups of indigenous
people came out and we started to get to know their true
anger towards these few different things. Right. But if we really
does. The Guardians. Right. But if we really think about it, it was
wrong the entire time. Absolutely. Oh, it was definitely wrong. I'm just saying we
never knew. We kind of knew. We were so stupid. We just didn't know it
was wrong. All right. We were ignorant of the fact. That's fine. All right,
there you go. Having said that, this film is still a great fucking
baseball movie. And don't blame the film for the fact that they chose
what is probably the biggest underdog team they possibly could have
at the time, which was the. Pretty much. Unfortunately so. And the only team that
would probably sell its naming rights and all that for a movie. Right. Because it
was that bad for them then. So there you go.
We've stalked about it. We're just gonna do the movie like we normally would and
just basically go back to that day where we were ignorant of the fact that,
you know, this is racist as shit, this team name. Yeah.
Luckily that a lot of my notes or anything really centers on
the team name. It's just Cleveland. It's. All I say is Cleveland.
And really, it's more about the characters. And in the clips, we may have
some references is what I'm getting at as well. Although. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
In the clips, unfortunately, there's no getting. Away from that, and that's just the
way that it is. Let's go ahead and take the break here on the pirate
radio edit for this week, all songs that were featured
in the film on the soundtrack. Believe it or not, you're going to probably hear
more of the lyrics of the songs than you actually did in the film because
they just used needle drops out of a lot of these songs. Up first is
Lao Lovett with crying right after this. This'll keep us quiet.
Oh, hi there. I didn't see you. The idea
for the show is to document an ongoing experiment to see if I
can turn a functioning member of society into someone with
the same desensitized and skeptical perspective I have by making
him or her watch some of the craziest
movies I personally own or have watched as a child and found again
recently. Has an excessive intake of fringe movie watching
and B movie collecting damaged me as a human being, as a lifetime
of being a horror movie super freak, desensitized me
and turned me into a morbid skeptic.
Let's find out with this continuing experiment
that is cinema science. What?
Man? Thanks for letting me do this, dude. Well, Matt, I think you should know
that I haven't asked you to join the show just yet.
First, I need to make sure that you are the ideal candidate for the
needs of this show. Wait, what? I have a few questions for you,
and then if you meet the experiment criteria and standards, we'll negotiate.
Experiment standards? I thought you said we're just gonna watch some movies and bullshit.
Legionpodcasts. We appreciate it,
and thank you for listening. Now back to the cutting room.
All right, so that was Lyle Lovett with crying shame, which I do
believe is in one of the training montages during their spring
training. Yeah, it's probably the first one when it's not going well at
all. Yeah, or when they're setting up or something along those lines.
But that doesn't matter because we're gonna find out exactly where it is in one
of Matt's clips because the whole. Film has been clipped pretty much, yeah.
I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. Let's fucking get into it.
Let's get into it. Major league. The first 20 minutes. One of the first
times, I get an hour, like almost hour, 50 long
minute movie. And I'm excited for it. Usually I get
pretty pissy. The first 20 we open, we're in Cleveland,
Ohio. We see the intro. The newspaper just shows
how inept the Cleveland baseball teams have been.
The owner dies, leaving the team to his wife. She meets
with the other board members. And this is our first clip. Good morning,
gentlemen, and welcome to another season of Indians baseball.
I know it may not seem the same without Donald
here, but I promise you, by the end of the season,
we will have made history. Unfortunately,
there are some in the press who feel that the
ex showgirl wife of Donald Phelps has no
business being the owner of a major league baseball team.
Spring training begins in two weeks. Here's a list
of the players we'll be inviting to camp. I never heard of
half of these guys. And the ones I do know are. Way past the
prime. Most of these guys never had a prime. The facts are we lost our
two best players to free agency. We haven't won a pennant in over
35 years. We haven't placed higher than fourth in the last 15.
Obviously, it's time for some changes. This guy here
is dead. Cross him off, then.
Spring training starts on the first. How do you think the Indians
will do this year? It doesn't look too good.
These guys don't look too fucking good.
Oh, hi, Charlie. Come in. Have a seat.
I'm glad you called me in. I'm still unclear
about it. Couple of things. Oh, really? Like what? Well, if I'm the GM,
who's gonna be the manager? I was thinking of Lou Brown.
Who's Lou Brown? He's managed the Toledo Mud hens of the International
League for the last 30 years. I think he'll fit right in with
our team concept. What exactly is our team
concept? That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Charlie. I want to
put together a team that'll help us relocate to Miami. What do you
mean? Some of these guys are furniture movers. I'm serious
about this, Charlie. It's no secret I've never liked Cleveland much.
Stadium's falling apart, we don't draw Dick, the weather's lousy.
Another couple years of this and I'm gonna have to start feeding chacha real dogs.
Misses Phelps. You just can't up and move a team on a whim.
It's hardly a whim. Miami's offered to
build us a new stadium. 62,000 capacity,
45 vip boxes, and for me, a mansion
in Boca Raton, plus free membership in the Palm beach
polo and country club. Now, no other franchise
in baseball can match that deal. The league will never let us leave Cleveland.
We got a lease with the city. The lease says we have the right to
move if the attendance falls below 800,000 for the year. Paragraph 40,
line 17. If we play bad enough, we should be able to come in
under. You saying you want us to lose?
No, we've been losing. What I
want is for us to finish dead last.
Yeah, hello, Jake, this is Charlie Donovan, the new GM of the
Cleveland Indians. Yeah,
we'd love for you to come to spring training for a shot at this year's
club. Is that you, Talbert? What? This is very
funny, you know. I'm hungover, my knees are killing me, and if you're
gonna pull this shit, at least you could have said you were from the Yankees
tire world. Oh, look, this is Charlie Donovan, the Cleveland
Indians. How would you like to manage the Indians this year?
I don't know. What do you mean, you don't know?
This is a chance to manage in the big leagues. Let me think it over,
will you, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line about some white walls.
I'll talk to you later, Rick. We heard about your pitching opportunity.
I'm not really with him anymore. Well, we'd still like to take
a look at you. At our spring camp in Arizona, March 1. Well,
I'm not sure I can make it by then. Here's Jake Taylor.
He was an all star at Boston, wasn't he? Yeah. Wound up in the mexican
league. Had some problems with his knees. Wish we had
him two years ago. We did. Four years ago.
Then. Who is that? Must be
Serrano. Defected from Cuba. He wanted religious
freedom. Religion.
Voodoo.
Thought you didn't have any high priced talent. Forgot about Dorn.
Cause he's only high priced. Picked him up as a free agent three years ago.
Still hits the ball pretty well, doesn't he? Yeah. You just can't field
it.
We'll shape him up. Hey.
I don't recognize this guy.
Say hey. Louie Mays. Hayes here.
Play like Mays, and I run like Hayes. How you doing?
How you doing?
My man? Lou Brown. Nice to meet you, Hayes. The parking lot is
right out there.
Thanks. Oh, and don't you guys go anywhere.
Plan to put on a hitting display?
I don't remember a haze on the list.
Look at this fucking guy.
My kind of team, Charlie. It's my kind of team.
Mister Dorn. Harris. How you doing?
That weave is looking good. It's better than that rug of yours.
Whoa. Another freak show candidate. How do you cut your hair, rook bedroomatic?
The earrings. Cute, too. Have you got the matching bracelet?
Bedcheck. Watch yourself.
Roger. Mister tough guy.
Hi. Jake Taylor.
So, you got a name, or you got a gonna settle for veg head Vaughan.
Rick Vaughn. Hi, Rick. Hey, forget about Dorn. He's always a
little tough on the rookies. You get a lot worse from other clubs. Say,
hey, how you doing? Willie Mays. Hayes. Here. Jake Taylor.
Here. Rick Vaughan. What the hell
league you been playing in? California penal. Never heard of it.
How'd you end up playing there? Stole a cardinal.
How you guys doing? Good. How's it going?
Hey, big guy. You a golfer?
Hats for bats.
Yeah. What's your handicap?
Keep bats, warm glasses.
Whoa, amigo. I, uh. You can't chip.
You're welcome. Ah. All right.
Yep. For Pat. I just do. You know, I never realized until
rewatching this movie, doing notes right now, that was the all state guy.
Really? You didn't know that until now? I didn't know that. He looks
so different, you know, he's young, shaved head, and a beard, you know,
which he didn't have. You know, he clean shaven now and hair. So it's just
one of those weird ass things. Yeah. Just not used to that. That's fine.
Can I just ask you a quick question before we get going, man. Yeah.
Are you in good hands? Are you in good hands with Allstate?
Keep going. Yeah. We get
to see a young, young Wesley snipes in
this. And I just love that. Hit like Mays. Run like Hayes.
Willie mays Hayes. So anyway, that night,
because Willie really wasn't invited to the team, he just showed
up. The cops come in, they take him out while he's sleeping. He wakes up
the morning outside, think he's been cut already, and he runs. Beats two guys
who are all running at a, you know, faster pace and.
In pajamas, by the way. He beats from the parking lot outside
of the place. Yep. So he is super fast. So he's in.
He certainly does run like Hayes. Yeah, the manager,
uh, uh, the skipper, he questions our catcher, Jake Tom
Behringer, about if his knees are all right. And he goes, hey, would I lie
to you? And this skipper goes, well, if you want to be part of this
team, you better fucking lie to me. And then he tries to make a throw
to second, but he fucks it up. So he's all pissed at himself.
Um, well, it turns out Willie can't hit the big ball.
And that is our next clip.
Well, you may run like Mays, but you hit like shit.
With your speed, you should hit the ball on the ground and be legging them
out. Every time I see you hit one in the air, you owe me
20 push ups.
No problem.
Shit. All right, Vaughn,
they tell us you're a pitcher. You're sure not much of a drink.
We wear caps and sleeves at this level, son.
Understood. All right, let's see what
you can do. Nice velocity.
Sounded like it. Jesus.
How much? 96.
Better teach this kid some control before he kills somebody.
Come on, Dorn, get in front of the damn ball. Don't give
me this odorous ole bullshit. Look, I took one of those in the eye last
year. I'm not about to lose my sight. I'm deeply moved. Every time you
play one off your hips, you owe me 40 sit ups. What?
Jesus, this guy hits a ton. How come nobody else picked up
on you? Okay, Eddie, that's enough fastballs. Throw him some
breaker balls.
Blue, I want to word with you here.
Sure.
About those sit ups you want me to do? I got it right here in
my contract. Says I don't have to do any calisthenics. I don't feel unnecessary.
So what do you think about that?
200 pushups. How am I supposed to hit if I can't lift my
arm? Shit. The way I play today. I wouldn't be
surprised if they red tagged me already. What do you mean?
You get a red tag in your locker means the manager wants to see you
because you just died and went down to the miners.
Hey, don't worry, kid. Ain't gonna cut anybody the first day.
What's that shit on your chest?
Crisco bar,
doll. Vegasil.
Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your
curveball. Of course, if the umps are watching me close, I just rub
a little jalapeno inside my nose, get it running, and if I need to load
the ball up a little, just wipe my nose.
You put snot on the ball? Haven't got an arm
like yours. I gotta put anything on it I can find.
Someday you will, too.
Hey, pasa there. Pedro.
Bats the ase.
I cannot hit curveball. Straight ball. I hit it very much.
Curveball. Bats are afraid.
I asked Joe Buddy to come take fear from bats.
I offer him cigar in Rome.
He will come. You know, you might think about taking
Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.
Shit, Harris. Ah.
Jesus. I like him very much,
but he no help with Goddesse. Curveball. You trying to say
Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball? Okay, Harris, let's not
start a holy war here.
Wouldn't leave a rum sitting around out here with this group.
It's very bad to steal Joe Boo's rum.
He's very bad.
Cc. Pedro. All right. And that leads us to
the end of the first 20 minutes. You got some.
You got some characters in this. One of my favorite lines of all time that
I've probably quoted more times than I know,
is you trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball.
Yeah. I love that. You try to tell me Jesus Christ can't
hit a curveball. That's all I
always say. You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit. Yeah,
it's weird because he says he runs like Haze and he plays like Willie Mays.
He doesn't run like Mays, he runs like Hayes. Yeah, I don't know,
man. It's just continuity errors, but I don't care.
Fucking hilarious. Yeah. Or it's. You know. It is. You may run
like haze, but you hit like shit. So he does say no in the clip.
He does clearly say maze. He. I think. Does he say maze? The actor flubbed
the line, which doesn't matter, because Lou is one of the best parts of this
fucking film. The manager is best. Yeah. Jesus, he is so good.
I love that guy's fucking voice. And he's even better in the second one.
Yeah, it's not as french shit.
Yeah, it's not. One of the only bright spots of the second one is Lou.
Yeah, it's true. And there's. There's things that I do enjoy about the second one,
but it's clearly a step down. And don't even bother with the third one.
Right? Just don't. No, the third one I would never bother with. I could never
know. It's just terrible. Let's move on
to the next 20. I think we're in a good spot. Yeah, I think so.
All right, there's more practice, and everyone's kind of just blowing it right
now. Sereno uses the snake in his locker and opens
it. No red tape. So Willie uses a garden.
Garden snake. So he also. And he has no tape.
I love the sequence at the end there where he kisses the snake after he
has no red card. And then he kisses it and then
just gets all grossed out by it and shaking it, but he doesn't want to
drop it. Nope. Then they get whooped in a spring game.
And it's final cut day, and Vaughn finds a red tag in his
locker. And this leads to our next clip. I got
news for you, Mister Brown. You haven't heard the last of me. You may think
I'm shit now, but someday you're gonna be sorry that you.
I'm gonna catch you on somewhere else. And every time that I pitch against you,
I'm gonna snag it up your fucking ass.
Good. I like that kind of spirit in a player.
The only problem is I didn't cut you. What?
I think someone's been having some fun with you.
Fuck you. What's the matter, wookiee? Fuck. Why can't you take a little joke?
Hey. Real fucking funny, asshole. All right,
all right. Knock that shit off, boo. You better
make it real clear to. This little lady I'm not about to take any shit.
Shut up, Dor, and save all that energy for the
field. Got a long way to go before the season's over.
Hey, forget about doing it. You got those things?
Like what? Like packing for Cleveland.
Come on.
Ricky Vaughn? Willie Hayes.
I never heard of most of them.
Mitchell Friedman. Who are these fucking
guys?
Hey. Two down, bottom of the 9th,
game is tied. Taylor calls his
shot. There's the pitch.
Whoo. Oh, boy. Oh, you really got a hold of that
one. Yeah. What was that, a slider.
It was out of here. Are you gentlemen,
ready to order? Oh, we'll need a few minutes.
You look like a banker in this.
Sorry, Rick. Those are the house rules.
So what are we gonna have? What language is this?
French. They got chili dogs over there.
Forget it. I'll order. Let's have a toast.
Here's the baseball. And to the start of two
great careers. And for me,
just one more good year in the sun.
What is it, a chick? That's my wife.
Does she know that? I mean, she would have been if I hadn't
messed it up. What guy she's with? I don't know. He's not
wearing a name tag. You want me to drag him out of here? Kick the
shit out of him, the entire thing?
Excuse me, Miss Westland, there's a telephone. Call for you at the desk.
Oh, okay. Thank you. That's strange.
I'll be right back.
Hello? Hello, Lynn. It's Jake.
Jake? Jake Taylor? Uh huh.
How'd you know I was here? Uh, just a hunch.
I took you there when you got your master's degree, remember?
I figured. You're wearing that black dress with a red sash.
How'd you know that? I didn't even have this dressing.
You're still a stunner.
Thanks.
What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Mexico somewhere?
Well, I'm playing with the Indians again. Back in the bigs. Well, that's great.
That's great. Do you think I'm happy for you? Lynn, I don't
think he's gonna buy the phone bit now.
I gotta get. Wait a minute. I need your
number. I tried calling you at home, but you're not listed. My life is different
from when you knew me, Jake. Meaning what? I don't know you anymore. Couldn't we
talk about this some other time? I really gotta get back. Okay, just give me
the number. I don't think that's a good idea. Why? Because this guy you're with,
what is he, an accountant? Attorney, what? Worse.
Please. He's watching us. I'm not leaving till you give
me your number. All right.
It's five. 5519 34.
Thank you. Lynn,
I'm back. I can be around.
Everybody's got that friend who will, in all, earnesty say the
line. You want me to drag him out back and kick the shit out of
him to you? It's one of my favorite lines. Cause right afterwards
no one says anything. Charlie Sheen just shakes his head no,
like, nah. Right. But everybody has that.
Everyone who has, who will say that to them in earnest. And if
you look around at all your friends and you can't see that person.
That's probably you. I've said that multiple times. Let me drag him out
of here, beat the shit out of him. I've said that to you in earnest?
Yes. For real. I've said that to you in
earnest. I think we both are the two guys who say that shit. You want
me to drag him out of here? Beat the shit out of them, yes.
But of the two of us, which one was the most likely to do it
in our youth? Oh, fuck. Well, that all depends.
Okay. In our youth. Youth, you. In our twenties. Youth,
me, thirties, you. None of us in our
forties. Me again in
our forties. We don't even say it in nerdist anymore. Now we just
kind of say it in a jokey manner where we want to reference this movie.
Let's move on. All right, let's see here. All right,
so we have the first game. Everyone's nervous.
Our pitcher Harris wants to say a prayer because Serrano,
well, Serrano's doing some voodoo shit, and he pops off some gunpowder.
So smoke comes up and it turns on the sprinklers,
drenches everybody. Well, this leads to game time. And the
goat, the greatest of all time, Bob Eucher.
And of course, that is our next clip. Hello again,
everybody. Harry Doyle here, welcoming all you friends of the
feather to another season of Indians baseball. A lot of
new faces in chief Wahoo's tribe this year as they take
on the defending American League champs, the New York Yankees. And hopefully we'll
have some of the names that go with those faces before their first.
Anyway, listen to the roar of the crowd as the Indians take the field.
Yes, sir. They love this club here in Cleveland.
Just a reminder, fans, about die hard night coming
up here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive
the last time the Indians won a pennant.
Here's to the thrill of defeat. Charlie.
Kelner delivers. Here's a swing and a high fly ball to center field.
Hayes under it. Hey. Makes a basket catch Willie May
style. And the side is retired. Woohoo.
All right. We look out there. Nice catch,
Hayes. Don't ever fucking do it again. All right, let's go.
Get it going. Bottom of the first and Willie mays
Hayes to lead it off for the Wigwammers. A lot of people say you
can tell how the season is going to go by the first hitter of the
year, Brewster into the wind and comes to the plate.
Oops. Hey, here's a hot shot toward the hole. Rudia knocks
it down, fires the first late. Hayes. Beat it.
Hey, give Rudia credit for sacrificing his body on that racket.
That guy's got a family. So Hayes becomes the first indian in
15 years to lead off the season with a hit. Really knocked the crap out
of that one. Well, I plan to get at least a double out of this.
I bought 100 of these. One for every base I'm gonna steal.
Well, maybe things will turn around a little for the Indians this year.
Number seven, catcher, Jake Taylor.
Excuse me. Gotta take my first step toward the hall of fame.
Oh, yeah. We don't know where Hayes played last year,
but I'm sure he did a hell of a Brewster. Ready from the stretch.
Hayes with a good lead. Look real sharp, but it's hard to steal second
base with your shoe untied. Quick move to first.
He got him. Hayes is picked off.
Well, so much for that. Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.
Guys. Going. Don't bounce the damn ball.
Nice throw, dickhead.
Top of the 6th, and rookie sensation Ricky Vaughn on
the pitch now. You can close the book on the keller.
Thank God. Relax, Ricky. We're only four runs now. We're still in
this game. Take it to him. All right,
look, man. Guy gets a second 1st sign indicator.
Vaughn, a juvenile delinquent in the offseason in his major
league debut. Gonna light your ass up. Me?
Vaughn, into the wind up in his first offering.
Just a bit outside. He tried to corner and missed.
Ball four. Ball eight.
Low, and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on twelve straight pitches.
Boy, how can these guys lay off pitches that close?
Wild thing. You make
my heart sing.
You walk everything. Hey,
Taylor. What are you doing back up here? Couldn't cut it. The mexican
league. How's your wife and my kids?
Vaughn in deep trouble here with clue Haywood,
last year's American League home run. Chap at the plate. Vaughn kicks,
fires. Here is a swing and a drive toward left field
and deep. Oh, boy. No way. No way. Too high. Too high.
It is gone off the reservation. A grand slam
home run for Hayward. Looked like a strike
anyway. Where you go? Too high. What does that mean? Too high.
Too high. So Vaughn is off to a rocky
start as Haywood clears the bases with one swing.
Not too high, too hard. First. It was really high. Who gives a shit?
It's gone.
Go get him. Nah. Let's see how he reacts.
Well, Brown apparently is going to stay with Vaughn here as the
Indians trail now eight to nothing. Coleman steps in
a 281 lifetime hitter. Taylor with a sign.
Vaughn into his motion. And the pitch.
Whoa. Interesting. About time.
It's eight nothing. You're gone. What? You heard me.
You're gone. He's right on top of the foot. Get him out of here.
Trying to get his horseshit. I think you can go get him.
No. Ball slipped out of my hand. It was an accident. You threat
them intentionally? Oh, kiss my ass. You're gone.
You're full of shit. Fuck you. Get out of here, rookie. Why don't
you blow me? Yum. You're gone. All right, Coleman. Take it
easy. Accidents will happen. You show a lot of heart shaking it off like this.
Fuck you, Tim.
Don't even think about it. Coleman exceeded
at getting the object that they were trying to establish.
Meteorology.
So a tough start for the Erie warriors as they drop
a heartbreaker to the Yankees. Nine to nothing.
Postgame show is brought to you by.
Christ. I can't find it. The hell with it. All right, a little confession.
I started watching Mister Belvedere after the first time I saw this movie
just so I could get more Bob Bucher. Remember my life, right?
Same as a kid. I would watch reruns of Belvedere just
for more Bob Euchre in my life. And as a Brewers fan, I got
Bob Euchre a lot in my life, and I still want more.
That man will still do brewers games, but only home games. And he
doesn't even do every ending. And he doesn't do every game. He just kind of
did decide when he wants to come in and work. That's how legendary he
is. I believe it. So a
couple of lines of those clips which have become quotable. The last
one, for instance. I can't find it. I use
that at least once a week. And then I love doing that. It's too
high. It's too high. Fuck it, man. It's gone. But you see the trajectory
of the book. Why you thought too high
would mean something. So fucking love all that
shit. By the way, that's the end of the 20 minutes. I really enjoyed
that. I really enjoy the lines that they kind of go where it
starts with them being terrible, being basically set up.
They're supposed to be the worst. They're supposed to finish dead last. Everything about
this is supposed to be awful. But for a lot of these guys,
it's their first and only chance to really do anything.
Yeah. It was their only chance to really be able to do this. Or,
like some of these guys, it may be their last chance. Some of the guys
like Vaughn, it's their first and only chance at,
like, actually playing major league ball. And a lot of them
realize that they got picked basically because they're terrible,
right? Like, they know what's going on. They can see it, too, right?
Yeah. And they all have talent, but it's unmitigated talent.
It's not honed talent. It's raw talented for the youngsters
and then for the older guys. Again, it was a lot of talent from the
older guys, but they're past their prime, so it's trying to come back
to form. So that's why this is supposed to be a terrible team.
You got young guys with talent, but it's unchecked and unrefined
talent. So, like Vaughn, awesome speedball.
Awesome fastball, but can't hit the target. You know,
he's wild and out of control. Willie mays Hayes,
excellent speed, but he can't put the ball on the ground with the bat.
Serrano, big and strong, can't hit a curveball.
You know all that. So. And then you have the older guys. He can hit
any fucking strike that comes down the plate regardless of how fast it
is. But a curveball, and he can't do it. Cause he just doesn't have the
aim. And Dorn, like, even Dorn, he's supposed to be one of
the best players out there, and he can still hit really well. The only problem
is he can't field anymore. Cause he's too afraid. Cause he doesn't wanna ruin his
face or whatever. So, like, you have all these guys who all could be great,
but they need to be coached up, but this lady's banking on that they
can't be coached up. Yeah. So, basically, this movie ripped off Ted Lasso before
Ted Lasso even existed. So could have ripped. So Ted
Lasso ripped off major league. No. No major league ripped off Ted Lasso. In retrospect.
They used a time machine to see what was going to be popular in the
future and stole all the ideas. Man, that's. That sounds
like something a real big Ted Lasso fan would say. Right now we
can move on. All right, the next 20 starts with Jake
trying to call Lynn, but she gave him a bum
number, so he finds her working in the library. And that is
our next creepy guy clip. Jake, you shouldn't
have come here. I'm wondering why you'd give an old friend a bum phone number.
Let's talk in my office, okay? I don't want to talk in your office.
I told you I don't think it's a good idea that we see each other.
Why not? Because we don't have anything in common. Sometimes I wonder if we ever
did. What are you talking about? We were both athletes. World class,
hot for each other. What more could we have in common? I stopped being an
athlete three years ago. Jake, books are my life now.
Don't you dare laugh. In two years, I put together one of the best special
collection departments in the country. What is this? You're still sore
I never read Moby Dick. You never read anything I asked you to.
All right, I'll check it out. Now. Is this the whales section? I'll bet what's
his name at the restaurant? Reddit. His name's Tommy. Keep your voice down. What do
you see in this guy? Well, he's stable, intelligent, and I never found
him in bed with a stewardess. That's because no stewardess would have. Hey, wouldn't you
rather be with someone who's in demand? You know, Jake, it's just like always.
You don't take anything serious. Seriously? Everything's a joke to you, man.
For Christ's sake. I'm just trying to loosen things up. I'm getting frostbite here.
Tom and I are getting married in the fall.
Oh, God, Lynn, that's crazy. I had plans for us.
Plans? Yeah. How can you say stuff like that? I haven't
seen you in three years. You never even wrote me a letter. Well, I'm sorry
about that, but I wasn't exactly proud of my situation. Come on. You never thought
about me at all while I was gone. Jake, not so loud. What about the
three nights we spent on the beach in Veracruz? You ever have nights like that
with Mister briefcase? What about the night you had in Detroit with Miss fuel injection?
What was I supposed to do? She bet me $50 she had a better body
than you, and I had to defend your arm. What a bunch of bullshit.
I have a much better body than she does.
She's right. You haven't
changed at all, have you? I'm afraid I have, or I wouldn't be here.
Come on, Lynn. Don't make me, make me do time for things that happened years
ago. Jake, I'm sorry. You'll just always be the little boy who
wouldn't grow up. Lynn.
Court of the season's gone. We're 15 and 24/7 games
out of first. That's bad. It's not bad enough. Plus,
this team is showing signs of improvement. I didn't
think we'd win 15 games all year. Any ideas?
Making it worse. How about a series of
fines for good play? Maybe a $30,000 bonus
for the guy voted least valuable player?
Maybe the problem is we're coddling
these guys too much.
Yeah,
what's with this? Never leave him down here. Maybe the jetway isn't working.
And this is good. This is real good. 757 in
Milwaukee. No, that's not your plane. Yours is this one, rolling in
the.
Oh, sure, now you come around.
He's not fooled. So the sons
of Geronimo, still suffering from propeller lag, are nipped by the
brewers tonight, seven to nothing. The only excitement for the tribe provided
by Rick Vaughn, who set an american league record by throwing
four wild pinches in one inning. Hey, congratulations, Rick. Excuse me,
mister. Mister Vaughan, can I have your autograph?
Yeah, sure. My first
autograph. Couldn't give these away. A couple of weeks ago, I saw.
Your record on the news. You made their haul a shame.
Congratulations. Thanks.
Thank you. Nice hair.
Well, you're a celebrity now, Vaughn. I thought you'd do something good
to be a celebrity. Not if you do it colorfully.
Call the stewardess. Vaughn, I need one of those bags.
There aren't any stewardesses. I wonder if there are any
pilots.
So the tribe drops its third straight on this trip. Six to
one to the rangers. For the Indians, one run on.
Let's say one hit. That's all we got. One goddamn,
damn hit. You can't say goddamn on the air.
Don't worry. Nobody's listening anyway. You have more?
What is? Come take out. Buy one. He's 34.
What? Moby Dick? What you beating that for?
This happens to be a masterpiece of american literature. That's why
Lynn turned you on to that? Yeah, long time ago.
Well, look, if we ever get out. Of here, me and the guys, we're.
Gonna go to a club later on tonight. Wanna come along?
I got some reading to do. What, you got a test or something? Hey,
Jake, man, why don't you just go over there and see her? I mean,
maybe she'll let you slide on a couple of these. Well, I would if I
knew where she lived. That's easy. Just tail her home
from the library. What do you mean? Sit in the car and wait for her
to come out? That's kind of juvenile, don't you think?
Yeah. How true is it that you can do something absolutely, terribly, and as
long as you do it with character, you can be famous, and people will love
you for it. Influencers should show you that. I was thinking
Dennis Rodman for sports, but, yeah, same thing. Well, Dennis Rodman
wasn't terrible at basketball. He maybe was terrible at being a person, but at
basketball, Dennis Rodman was one of the greatest defensive players that probably ever
played the game. But yes, he also did think he was kind of a
dickhole teammate and, you know, a drama queen, but he did it
colorfully, so people still loved him.
Same, same. We can move on. Same thing. Jesus Christ. This is where I'm
getting. I lost my readers. I took them off for a minute. All right,
so anyway, he does exactly that. Kind of creepy.
Kind of creepy, Jake. Kind of creepy? Oh, not kind of. Very fucking
creepy. He's acting as if she is a prize to be one and not a
person who can make up her own mind. Well, I mean, did he hear the
gaslighting in the library? Yeah, he tried to say that he
slept with her to defend her honor because it was, you know, her body wasn't
better than. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, would you rather be
with somebody who's in high demand? No. Stewardess. Half this guy's like,
Jesus Christ. I mean, although it makes me laugh.
God damn. This guy's. He's throwing everything against the wall just to see what sticks
on this one. Yeah, a lot of stuff about this has not aged
well. And it is generally the behavior of white men.
Holy shit. Jesus Christ, man. Let's get racial.
It's the fucking truth. The things that are happening
in this film that are not right are the behavior of white men for the
most part. Well, in this film, sure. I mean,
it's a weird baseball team. There's only one black guy on it.
Are you. What the fuck is this going on? Serrano and Willie Mason.
This is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sereno and Willie Mace.
I keep getting. Serrano hasn't had a lot of speaking
parts, so he's kind of just keep forgetting. All right. Still unrealistic
with only two black guys on a team. All right, that still doesn't make the
numbers any better. Already more realistic, especially for
late eighties baseball. I mean, yeah, there should be at least a few guys from
Puerto Rico and a few dominican Republican dudes as well. Yeah, yeah.
We hadn't yet tapped into the japanese athlete market
for baseball yet. On the american side, that was more
mid nineties when we finally tapped that market and got some big and still
do excellent players from Japan. You don't really realize how much Japan
took up baseball. It's the one american sport another country
started to take up. I actually realized it because I watch Mister
baseball quite frequently. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So anyway. Anyway, he watches her going to the place.
He walks up, but he even was, like, second guesses himself.
And he leaves. He goes to a bar for a bit, has a beer,
and then he figures, ah, fuck it. And he goes in there and finds her
at a dinner party that her boyfriend is throwing, obviously not her
place. And this leads to our next clip. Jake, this isn't
my place. Who is this, love? Whose is it?
Oh, Mister Taylor. Right? I remember you
from the restaurant. Lynn's told me a lot about you.
Why don't you come in for a while? Uh, no, I really
ought to be running along. Yeah, he's gotta get going. Yeah,
really. Come on in for a drink.
Well.
Excuse me. Everybody, this is Jake Taylor.
Jake, Arthur and Claire Holloway. How do you do?
Hi. Brent and Janice Bowden.
How do you do? How are you? Hi.
Jake is a professional baseball player. Really?
Jake, what brings you here this evening?
Well, I want to discuss a couple of books with Lynn, and I
thought this was her place. Well, it soon
will be. Hmm. Yeah,
I heard you were engaged. Congratulations.
Thank you. What can I get you
to drink? Beer will be fine. Great. Have a seat.
Oh.
Oh, that's great. Sir.
Well, what team do you play for, Jake?
The Indians. Here in Cleveland? Mm hmm.
I didn't know they still had a team. Yeah, we got uniforms
and everything. It's really great. Well, they're in
last right now, but hopefully moving up. Hey,
Jake. Hey.
I've heard baseball players make very good salaries these days.
Well, that depends on how good they are, I guess. How good
are you? I make
the league minimum.
He was one of the best in baseball before he had problems with his knees.
Well, Jake, what are you gonna do when your career's
over? I mean, you can't play baseball forever, can you?
Ah, something will come up. Will it?
Well, I thought I'd go to Hawaii,
have a couple of kids, grow up to be Olympic champions.
Really? In what event?
Swimming. The 200 meters,
individual medley. I figure it ought to be real big by then. You got
the girl picked out? I did, but I wasn't smart enough to hold on
to her.
You used to be an athlete, didn't you, Lynn? Yeah.
Yeah. What did you do?
200 meters, individual medley.
An alternate on the 80 Olympic team.
Oh, really? Wow. Whew.
Well, I better take it on. No, let me walk you out.
Nice meeting all of you. Yeah.
Thanks for the beer. Don't mention. I'll let you know
if I land the job. I know you're very concerned. Yeah,
well, I, uh, I just wanted. Lynn to know what she would have had ahead
of her. Stay away from
her. Suck my dick. Hmm. Yeah. He's a real piece of shit.
Yeah. Jake. Yeah. Yeah. Doesn't work out. Yeah.
He's flawed. He's a flawed character, but I still love him in baseball
games. He's good when it comes
to being friends with other men, but he's clearly got some serious misogyny
and is looking at Lin as a prize once again and not a human being.
And the other man is just competition and it's all sports metaphor for
him. Yeah. And I think the other guys know better. I think he looks at
Lin as also a prize to be won, so to show
off for his corporate friends. And as I
pointed out earlier, the behavior of white men in this film. Yeah. I mean,
because there's only two black guys and we don't get to see them personally,
we only get to see them play. Really, the only one guy we could see
their personal life is Jake. The rest of it, maybe a little bit of Vaughn
and Dorn. That's it. Those three guys, the rest of them you don't see outside
the realm of baseball. I also wanted to point out the redhead that
was on a date at that dinner party, the way that she was staring Jake
down, like, fucking him with her eyes the minute he walked into the
room. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a really uncomfortable, awkward situation to
be in, in a group of people, like adults. I'm sure it is, but,
I mean, let's listen. You may not like the character, but that's some rugged handsomeness.
Handsomeness coming in, Dan. You know what I mean? Mean, yeah. Nobody's disputing
that. Tom Behringer is a gorgeous man. No one is disputing that at
all. It's kind of horseshit. It pisses me off a little bit,
actually. What I'm saying is the way that that redhead was looking at
him was going to make the rest of that dinner party after he leaves,
very awkward for her date and everyone else, like, oh, yeah. I wasn't
even trying to not. She just didn't even see
a person. She just saw a piece of meat. He's like him in
female form. Probably doesn't even view him as a person.
All I'm saying is, I love when I get that look. It just wasn't often
enough when I was younger. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah,
no, I agree with that. We can move on. Yeah.
So we find out Vaughn, he meets with the coach,
and the coach is talking about how his velocity is
great. But his targeting isn't all that well. And then they figure out he needs
glasses. So they give him some glasses.
It should work out. It looks really bad, but the glasses will help
him. Then Harris drinks job Boo's rum, and when he goes out to
throw some practice, bitches, he gets hit in the head with a flying bat.
So anyway, it is game time, and that is our next clip. We're in
the 9th, two down, Amana on first.
And the Indians clinging to a one run lead. Ricky Vaughn,
the kid they call wild thing, one out away from his first major
league victory. Vaughn's been looking good out there today.
Don't worry. He'll blow it. Vaughn showing
some signs of fatigue out there. He seems to have lost some zip on his
fastball. Slow curve. Here's a swing and a bouncing ball.
Doran has a chance to make the play. He can't get it. Clark digging
around second. He'll make it to third easily. And the a's have
runners at the corners. Dorn didn't get much
of a jump on that ball money, but let's give him credit. At least he
didn't spike himself.
Normally. Get him out of there, Louze. He's come this far.
Let's see if he can finish it. Come on. We need some defense here,
Johnny. Maybe we got to do one of those waves. So, Vaughn in a little
trouble here. But I'll tell you, these Cleveland fans are
great. Listen to them. Get behind Vaughn. Hey, way to go.
Rick out of Ohio loves you. Come on, baby. Come on, Ricky. Come on,
Ricky. Okay, Ricky, there's two
out, so forget about the runners. Get this guy.
Come on, Rick, get tough. This guy's a first ball hitter. You gotta come
up with something nasty. Fucking Dorn. This game should be over
by now. He could have had that ball. He tanked it on purpose. This isn't
the California penal League, Vaughn. We're professionals here.
We don't tank plays for personal reasons. So cut the crybaby shit.
You pitched the hell of a game. You want to finish it, don't you?
Yeah. All right. You think you can throw a strike on
this pitch? It's not gonna much on it. Mine arm feels like jello right now.
Just get it over the plate. I want him to swing. Last time
I did that, the guy hit one that hasn't landed yet. Don't worry about it.
I'll take care of 27. Right fielder, Mike. Hi,
Rexman. Hell of a situation we got here. Two on,
two out. You guys trailing by one in the 9th? You got a chance to
be a. Hero on national television if you don't blow it.
By the way, I saw your wife at the pre lounge last night. Now,
with a dancer, you must be very, very proud. That guy she was with,
I mean, I'm sure he's a close personal friend and all, but tell me,
what was he doing wearing her panties on his head?
Swung on and popped up. Oh, Rexy, I don't think this
one's got the distance.
Taylor under it. He's got it. And this ball game is over
as the Indians hold out for a three two victory. Starting to come together.
Peppers starting to come together. Yeah.
Knock it off, Charlie.
Well, hi, Jay. Come on in. Hi, Suzanne.
How are you? Oh, I'm fine. Fine, thanks. I was just wondering
if I might have a quick word with Roger. Well, sure. He's in the solarium.
I'll get some coffee. Oh, thank you. Seven and eight. United Airlines
down three quarters at 141. International business machines
down one half at. 96 and pre eight.
Hey, Jake. Hey, Roger.
Nice place. Yeah, we're still working on it. Trying to figure if we want to
take this room oriental or Santa Fe. Listen,
Roger, I had to talk to you about something and I didn't want to do
it in front of the rest of the team. Sure, what is it? Yeah,
have a seat. You want a beer? Oh, no, thank you.
You have financial problems. I can put you onto a great
investment guy. No, I don't have much of a portfolio
right now. But you know what I was concerned about was why
you didn't come up with that grounder that Ryker hit in the 9th. It was
out of my reach. What do you want me to do, die for it?
Rog. Could have meant the game. Oh, come on.
Cut the route, Ra. Shit, Taylor. Year after this, I go free agent. Plus,
my agent and I got a couple of plans for life after baseball. So I'm
not about to risk major injury or to face this property for a
collection of stiffs. You know, Dorn, I liked you
so much better when you were just a ballplayer. Really great
once. If you want to be an interior decorator. Now, that's none of my business,
but some of us still need this team. Now, you listen to me.
This is my last shot at a winner. And for the younger guys, it could
be their only shot. I don't know what happened to you, but if you
ever, ever tank another play like you did today,
I'm gonna cut your nuts off and stuff them down your fucking
throat. Anybody.
Hello again. All you wahoo maniacs. This is Harry Doyle welcoming you
to another edition of Teepee talk. Hey, in case you haven't
noticed, and judging by the attendance, you haven't,
the Indians have managed to win a few here and there and are threatening
to climb out of the cellar.
Wild thing, you make my heart
sing.
They could be a lot worse.
You know. These guys ain't so fucking bad in.
The awa mara mara hitak soap. Hey.
Oh boy, this old body can use a
soap. Yeah, well, forget it cause it ain't working again.
Dammit, I thought they were gonna replace this thing.
Hey, no hot water in here. I've had
it with this nickel and dime stuff. I'm gonna get that
bitch on the phone. You wanted to talk to
the bitch? Yeah. Don't you think you ought to cover yourself with
a towel first, Mister Brown? We're out of towels and
I'm too old to go diving into lockers. You can take
it if you can.
What happened to the new whirlpool we were supposed to get?
Revenue problems have forced us to cut back on equipment.
Ooh. Cups still work, though. We'll simply
have to fix the old whirlpool. You fixed it six times already.
Now there's no hot water in the showers. Pipes in this building are old
and rusted. We're replacing them, but it's
a long, expensive process to keep
my players healthy. With cold water and no therapy equipment. Your players
will just have to get a little tougher. What are they,
a bunch of pansies? Over 162
games, even tough guys get sprains, sore arms,
muscle pull. Only temporary. Besides,
these guys were playing that good when the equipment was working. If I could
get anybody to come out and watch this team, none of this would be necessary.
You ought to be grateful I can still afford to pay your salary.
They cut to Jake. Is it one of the
therapy tubs? And they have to use a boat motor to get the bubbles going
for them. And that's the end of that 20 minutes. All right, so my wife
and I watched this when I was getting ready for your review. I just basically
watched it with her because I didn't have to take notes and we can just
have fun watching it. And when they fired that boat motor up, like to,
you know, the outboard motor for the boat to actually keep it moving, the first
thing I said to her is like, that's a great way to lose most of
your fucking foot if you're not careful in that therapy tub. Oh yeah, you have
to have it just shallow enough.
Yeah, and I also wanted to point out at one point
in time, there is a shot of Serrano in his, like,
bikini underwear, and he's just standing there and, like, it's really, really, like,
the. The bikini, like, cut underwear to where it's basically.
There's nothing left to the imagination. Right. It seems to be just him wearing
a jock strap. That's it. It's a jock strap. Yeah, it might be a jockstrap,
right? Well, there's a shot of him standing full force with a jockstrap and nothing
else. And, like, abs out, everything, like his whole body. And my wife
made one of those noises that would translate very much to
Matt and I saying on our review, thank you, movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yes, yes. Serrano was there in all his glory, and it was glorious.
So good for him. And when the lady is down there talking
about the equipment, and she actually, like, knocks on Charlie Sheen's
cup and says that that's still working pretty well or something along
those lines. Yeah, cups are working well. That slap serato right on his
ass. Right. I think it's that sequence where he's standing there in just
his jockstrap. Yeah, that. That's when my wife kind of made that noise
that was essentially. You could translate it to us saying,
thank you, movie. Yeah, yeah, that's for sure. Yeah,
we can move on now. All right, the next 20 minutes. Well, Cleveland,
they. They're winning games, and they win a
game. And Jake then sees Lynn at the game, her leaving.
So he follows her home in a club car. And this leads to
our next clip. So we at this time, mine.
Do you follow me again? I spotted you in the stands.
Figured you wanted to see me about something.
I just wanted to see you play. How was it?
You ought to open your stance a little. They're pitching you inside.
I'll try that. What's all this?
I'm moving in with Tom.
Going uptown, huh? No, not going
uptown. Just want to lead a regular life,
you know, like an adult, maybe. You think I can't lead a regular life?
Oh, God, Jake, do you like the life
you've had? You like hanging out with the boys, living in hotels,
having girls send you their underwear in the mail?
Remember the surprise party I threw ferry on your birthday? You never
showed up. But the doorbell rang once, and we all got real
quiet and hid behind the furniture. It was a guy to serve
you with a paternity suit. That was a hoax. The girl
was looking for some publicity. Yeah, but you'd obviously been with her,
and it happened in front of all of our friends. Those days are
gone, Lynn. Just the guy
trying to put his life back together.
I've come back to you so many times, Jake. I can't afford to
believe you anymore. Well,
I guess this our life's for her, then.
Yeah, I guess so.
Hey, did you ever read Moby
Dick? Cover to cover,
babe. When's the wedding?
October 3. Do folks like this guy?
You're still their favorite.
Gonna be a big wedding. No, Tom doesn't like big weddings. You know, you could
have read fly Outland of 101 great novels. Where? At any
library. No, no, no. Where's the wedding? Oh, all saints on
Euclid.
Nice church.
Who saved Ishmael at the end, huh? Nobody. It was Queequeg's
coffin. Queequeg's coffin.
Am I invited? Where? To the wedding.
Yeah. When? Why? Safer on your skirt.
Stuck. We use your imagination.
You know, this doesn't change anything. We were always going.
All right, so when he follows her home from the game and then they start
making out and they're getting ready to have sex, when he starts getting up on
her, the very first thing that my wife said was, I bet he smells terrible.
Oh, yeah. He's got to. Nine innings of fucking catching work.
Are you fucking kidding me? I said to her,
he's a ballplayer. It's not like they're basketball or soccer and they're running up
and down the court all day. Yeah, but he's in all the catcher's
equipment. You what? I mean, so it's still. It's still not all that great.
Yeah. You know, now that you mentioned it, the catcher's equipment probably would transfer all
of the bad smell from all the sweat that's been building up on the catcher's
equipment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's not good.
So Jake wakes up the next morning, and he's alone in bed.
So then the boss, big boss lady, decides to take
away their plane because she's getting nervous. It gives them a shitty bus.
And we come to our next game time. And that is our next
clip. Wild thing Vaughn roughed up in his only other appearance
against the Yankees. In a little jam here, he fanned Burton to open the
inning walk. Saslow gave up a double to Billy left, which will bring
up Haywood, who leads the league in most offensive categories,
including nose air. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party
favor. Taylor, they ain't released you yet?
Haywood's a convicted felon, isn't he? Money doesn't really
say it here. Well, he should be. Vaughn among the league leaders in strikeouts
now. Up on the rubberization, ready to work. And from the windup,
here he comes. Heywood swings and crushes
one towards South America. Tomlinson is going to need a visa to catch this
one. It is out of here and there's nothing left but a vapor trail.
Vaughn continues to have problems with Haywood and the Yankees.
Oh, boy.
Hi lo. Donovan. What are you doing here?
Well, I just wanted to get back out in the road again, you know,
you had a hell of a road trip. You nearly pulled that one out today.
Someday we'll figure out how to beat those guys.
You know, you've done a great job this year. 60 and
61 is hardly a great job. With this club, it is.
You know, there's a lot of talent on the this club, Charlie.
The veterans are starting to play back to form, and the rookies are developing
faster than I thought. There's two or three potential all stars in there.
I think we're a contender right now. You really believe
that, don't you? I know it. All we need is something
to bring it all together.
Rachel Phelps will never allow that to happen.
May I have your attention, please?
I have something I think you all ought to know about.
It seems that misses Phelps doesn't think too highly
of our worth. She put this team
together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last.
Knocking attendants down to the point where she could move the.
And get rid of all of us for better personnel.
Even me? Even you, Dorn.
What if we don't finish last? She'll replace you with somebody
who will. After this season, you'll be sent back
to the miners or given your outright release.
Well, then I guess there's only one thing left to do.
What's that? Win the whole
fucking thing.
Yeah. Yes.
I figure it's gonna take 32 more victories
to win this thing. Every time we win,
we peel a section.
Okay, so the one thing that major league did differently whenever it ripped off Ted
Lasso, was have someone in the management come and
tell the main manager of the team what's going on,
and then the rest of the team conspires against to go against the owner.
Whereas to win. Yeah, to win. That's what happens here. That's a big difference from
what major league ripped off with Ted Lasso. In Ted Lasso, they bring out a.
Big poster board of her with ripoff clothing. And every win,
32 pieces cause only 32 wins to make the playoffs. Right.
But what they did in Ted Lasso is the folksy charm of Ted Lasso won
over the owner, and then they all decided they needed to win the whole fucking
thing as a team. So there's that emotional, like, moment,
that arc with a character development, and people get better.
Whereas when they ripped it off here, like all these years ago
when they made major league, there's no emotional growth for
this evil woman. She just stays evil the entire time. Damn cort. You were
just really into Ted Lasso right now, aren't you? Dude, I am Roy
Kent. I. So I'm Roy Kent.
We can move on. All right, so then we get montage
time of more training in game. And now it all
goes well. Dorns even get in the way of balls again. All that
even cut to an American Express commercial they do, which is
kind of funny. And then don't steal home. And then
they tie the Yanks record. And that is our next clip.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. The incredible has happened even though it.
What comes as no surprise to this commentator is the Indians have finished the regular
season in a first place tie with the New York Yankees on the strength
of a 42 win over the White Sox in Chicago today.
Not bad for a has been in a couple of never will be's, huh?
Yeah, we haven't won anything yet. Still got one game to go.
The Indians are still savoring their victory. Today in Chicago,
but are due to. Leave in a few hours. We're going to go back now
to. Ross Farmer, who's standing by with the team at their hotel.
Thank you, Hal. Well, as you can see, the Indians are in high spares tonight,
looking forward to their final showdown with
the Yankees. Who will start that game is still a
matter of some conjecture, but the smart money is on the crafty veteran,
Eddie Harris, or the young fireballer, wild thing,
Ricky Vaughn. Meanwhile, the Yanks have announced that they will
start 20 game winner Steve Jackson, a curveball specialist
with shut.
You wanting to see me, Skip?
Yeah, Rick, have a seat.
I just wanted to tell you that I'm starting Harris
against the Yankees tomorrow. Even though I know it's
your turn in the rotation. He's got a little more experience,
a bit better record against the Yankees.
Yeah, I guess what's best for the team. Don't read
anything into it, Rick. You're one of the guys that got us here.
Hello again, everybody. Harry Doyle coming to you live from the stadium
where the Indians have just returned home in preparation for
their one game playoff with the New York Yankees for the Eastern
Division championship. We'll have interviews on Indians pow wow
at 08:00 but in the meantime, get your tomahawks
ready, Cleveland. The cultural appropriation in that
fucking clip. Jesus. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I was back to be.
Dude, are you kidding me? The Atlanta Braves fans still do the Tomahawk chalk or
Tomahawk chop. Yeah. So, I mean, it ain't like it stopped.
It's still going to this day. I know, man. I mean,
future generations are going to look very badly upon the Atlanta Braves
fans for still doing that at this point. Yeah. I mean, Jesus, you know,
Kansas City Chiefs for football and their stadium still
called Arrowhead. Maybe Arrowhead can get away from it because that's, you know,
not as bad, but I don't know. Yeah, well, let's. I think the
only thing saving what they're doing. Well, here's the thing.
Here's why some things have changed and some things haven't. Um, in my
opinion, I think Washington had to change their name because that's a fucking
ethnic slur. That's an actual slur. Yeah. I don't know how they got away from
it so long. I was like, of course they gotta change their team name.
If. If I say your team name, would just say, in your NFL
team and. And I'm at work and can go to hr, get fired for it.
It's probably time to change your fucking NFL team name. The Indians,
Cleveland. I don't know if it was their name so much that did it,
but their mascot did. Oh, that's racist as. That mascot
was racist as shit. And so they had. They. And I think they just
were like, let's do away with it altogether. I think the Chiefs get
away with it because nothing is. No, their symbols or anything
are indigenous centric. Like, not a person
or anything. It's literally their whole thing is just an arrowhead.
That's it. They don't do anything else. And I think, like,
the Atlanta Braves, they just have a tomahawk. You're kind
of skirting it, but it's a tool at this point. And they don't have,
again, any mascots that look, you know, that. That are,
you know, a racist connotation. I don't even know if they have a mascot.
Like, I think the chief's mascot is like a bear, you know, like an animal
just wearing chief's clothing or like a wolf or something. And then
the Florida state Seminoles, I really don't know how to get away with it because
they have a. Like, their mascot is an actual dude dressed up in warrior
garb on a horse. I don't know how they get away with it. It's fucking
Florida. It's a lawless. Yeah, it is Florida. The fucking. They just run around
lawless down there. Yeah, we can move on. I know. It's just always something I
always find interesting, why some teams are able to keep it and some teams,
you know, or let's not say they decided to change, they were forced to change,
and because if they didn't have to, they wouldn't have done it. And that's why
I really see why. It's just especially Cleveland
and Washington. I mean, Washington was the worst one out of all of them.
That team name was fucking unbelievable. All right, well,
anyway, Dorn's wife sees in a news report him leaving the
main room with some other woman all over him. So that's bad.
Yeah. He could have been a little bit more discreet, pastor, the hotel.
But he basically thought he wasn't going to get caught. And was he
clearly been doing this for a while? I mean. Yeah. You must not be used
to, you know, without success. He's that used to have tv cameras probably all around.
Oh, that's fair, too. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. So anyway,
Jake then goes to Lynn's, but her place is now completely empty,
which means she is now gone. Dorn's wife
sexies herself up, like really, like she is a smoke show in this
fucking red dress. And she meets up with Vaughn, who has no idea
who she is. That is our next clip. Do you mind if
I join you? I don't think I'd be very
good company right now. Why not?
Nothing. Job problem.
I'm a ballplayer. I know, but that's not why I came
over here. I don't chase ballplayers.
Why'd you come over here, then?
Because you are the sexiest man I have ever laid
eyes on. And you.
Look like you could use a friend.
Where are you going? I've got to get home.
I don't think I ever got your name. Suzanne.
Suzanne Dorn.
Suzanne Dorn.
Misses Roger Dorn.
So long. You're a great kid.
You spend the night.
Hi, Jake.
That's just a crab. I didn't
know who she was, I swear to God.
But he's up with it and it's over.
Bye bye, honey. See you at the park. Wish me luck.
Hmm. Before you go,
there's something I'd like to tell you. What? I don't
know what Dorn's wife is up to, but I think it best if you get
dressed out early and out to the bullpen before Dorn hits the clubhouse.
Okay. Hey,
we got a big problem. Serrano wants some extra power for tonight to
sacrifice a live chicken. Hey, Jake, man, we can't have people
puking in the locker room before the game. God, what next?
All right, tell him not to worry. I'll think of something. Come on,
Jake. Where's Vaughn? Seen him around?
You do tell him. I'd like to have a little talk.
Thanks, Pepper. One whole chicken, just like you said. I don't care who
you are, I don't care how much willpower you say you have. That woman comes
up to you at the bar. It says those things that she said
to Vaughn. Yeah. You're going. Check, please. Ready? Quick.
Yeah, I mean, he's been playing baseball long enough that this is probably
not the first gorgeous woman that just approached him in a bar and just threw
herself at him for being definitely that. You see it earlier in the movie.
Yeah, yeah. So. And it's clearly not a big deal
to him. It's something that he's done before, but the fact that he doesn't even
get her name first, like, what else are you supposed to scream out during sex?
Holy Jesus. I mean, I don't want to give credit.
Who knows? Who knows? But. Yeah, that's just. But that is fucking
funny. And then that, yes, Serrano wanted to sacrifice a whole
chicken, so he got him a whole chicken bucket from KFC. Honestly, I think
Joe Boo would be way more pleased that you took the time to prepare the
chicken for him to be able to consume. Exactly. By the way, this is the
end of that. 20 minutes before we go into the final 30. Yeah. I'm not
going to disagree. That misses Dorn is a smoke show. But my caveat
is I'd have to be single because not risking that I built with
my wife for. No, no, I meant if you're single,
if you're. I was saying if you're a Vaughn spot. Yeah. Just a. Just a
single dude out at a bar. I don't care if she just walked
up to you and said that you're, you know, you're going. Like,
sometimes I like to think to myself, no, I. That's, that's,
that's a little risky, you know, just meeting somebody like
that. But no, I don't. I'm sorry, man. Somebody comes up and says that
to you, you're single, you're. It's, it's, it's. It's time to go.
Wrap it up, wash your hands, throw on some rubber gloves and go after it.
Yeah, right. Get the hell out of here.
Just wash your hands afterwards. You'll be all right.
Before and after. And if she's into it, or they're into it,
depending upon who it is that you're fucking during. Yeah. There you go.
All right, the final 30. Well, it's game time. And that's our
next clip. Hello again, everybody. Harry Doyle bidding you
a big wahoo welcome from municipal Stadium,
where tonight, before a capacity crowd of 75,000
screaming featherheads, the fighting braves of the Cuyahoga
will lead their teepees in search of Cleveland's first league championship
in over 30 years. Standing in the way, their longtime nemesis,
the New York Yankees. Trying to put the stop on the Yanks will be
Eddie Harris, the tribe's veteran right handier. Bonnie, anything to
add? Uh, no. He's not the best color man
in the league for nothing, folks. All right, we're set to go.
Yeah, he's truly the goat man. He really is the best
color man in the business for nothing, folks. Well, the game
goes on with no runs being scored by every other team.
Some great pitching. The Yanks, however, do strike first with a two run
shot. Cleveland really can't get anything going. And then
everything seems quiet until Dorne comes up. And this is
our next clip,
third baseman, Roger Dorn.
Dorn up, two man out, bottom of the 7th. The Indians
running out of chances. Dorn, off to a slow start this
year, has come on lately, hitting 271 with 86 RBI's.
Here's the windup and the pitch to him. And he swings
and drives a base into left field. And the Indians have a runner
here with two and out on a sharp single to Lapden by Dorne.
All right, that'll bring up Serrano, the big man,
with two away, and he represents the time run. Now batting,
number 13, Pedro Serrano.
Serrano Hitler's tonight. As a matter of fact, he hasn't touched the
ball yet.
Serrano ready now. Here's the pitch.
Swings and misses. Should have gotten the live chicken.
Serrano digging in down a strike. Jackson gets
his side and comes set. Checks Dorn at first.
Here's the pitch. A curveball. Swung on and missed.
Strike two, and Serrano wasn't even close to that one.
She's stopped. Not Joe boo. Look, I go to you, I stick.
Up for you, you know? Help me now. Thank you, Joe boo.
I do it myself. Jackson wants a new side
now. He's got what he likes. Here's the pitch to
Serrano. He swings and drives with a deep
left. Way back. Way back. This ball is gone.
Damn.
Sit down, Charlie.
Welcome to the happy hunting ground. The Indians have tied
it at two on a two run blast by Serrano.
Two outs, top of the nine, still tied to two. Harris working
on a seven hitter. Here's the pitch. Sas, low, hits a
long drive. This one's going to get over. Serrano's heading off the wall.
Serrano up with it. Fires it back in. Mark sticking for
third. Sazlo in the second with a standing double.
And the Yankees have runners at second and third as Harris is.
Is now beginning to show signs of fatigue. Shit.
Get blown up. Activity continues in the bullpen.
Harris is in real trouble now. He got the first two hitters,
then gave up a single and a double and has now gone 30 to
Cheevers. Harris Satz checks the runners,
comes to the plate high. Ball four, and the bases
are loaded. And that's going to bring up clue Heywood, the biggest indian
killer of them all. Taylor and Brown on their way to the.
And this could be all for Harris. He has pitched a beauty. How's the hole,
daddy? Look a little tired. I'm throwing every
piece of junk I. Can think of, Adam. Skipper, I got enough left for one
more hitter? Nah, you pissed a hell of a game, man. Take a seat and
we'll see if we can get this guy out for you, all right? Good game,
Eddie. Give me Vaughn.
You want Vaughn? I know he hadn't done very well against this guy,
but I got a hunch he's due. Good job.
Good job.
I hate this film. Arkansas.
Okay, Ricky Heywood likes the hard stuff out over the plate,
so bust him in and don't get up with anything.
You listening to me, Rick? Yeah. Okay. You're my man.
Go get him, kid. Disguise the out you've been waiting your whole life for.
So, a surprise move by brown here, bringing in the wild thing,
who's been shelled in two outings against the Yankees.
Oh, shit. He's cut through the crap.
Rowan, I only got one thing to say to you. Strike this motherfucker
out. Okay. All right. So Vaughn gets up there and
gives them three straight strikes, fastballs against
the best hitter who had taken the Vaughn yard twice already that
year, and strikes them out. They go to the bottom of the 9th tide.
We get two quick outs for the Indians. It's two outs where Willie
Mays Hayes comes up to bat. And that is our final clip,
Lornie. Three straight heaters, and the Yankees are blown down.
No run, two hits, three left on.
And. Are you ready, Cleveland? We go to the indian
9th, still tied at two.
Can you believe this, Bonnie?
One down in the 9th. Jackson delivers. Tomlinson swings and
drives one deep to right field. Back goes Warburg and makes the
catch against the wall. Tomlinson gave it a ride,
but came up short. That's going to bring a visit to the
mound. And Horton, wasting no time. He's going
to the Duke.
The Duke leads the league and saves strikeouts. Perenning and hit batsman.
This guy threw at his own kid in a father's son game. Now batting,
number double zero, center fielder Willie Mays
Hayes. Two down now is Hannah. Hayes. Steps in,
hitting 291. Trying to get something going for
the tribe. Baduke, who's been overpowering
down the stretch, has not been scored upon in his last 16 appearances.
The Duke, ready now. Delivers. Here's a high chopper toward short.
Dinello charges. Can he get him? No.
Going somewhere, meat? About 90ft,
number seven, catcher, Jake Taylor.
And tailored to the plate. He's over
twelve against the Duke. Lifetime. The duke has his sign
and is ready. Hayes with a good lead.
A quick move by the Duke. And Hayes just beat it back.
Hayes leads away again. Tie game.
Two. Two outs in the 9th, and the winning run at first.
Hayes out to a big lead now.
Hayes, go.
Come on.
Come on, Willie. Here's the throw.
Oh, no count.
All right. You man. You man.
It's up to Tanner now as the Indians have the winning run in scoring position.
That's a hell of an idea.
Two.
Watch this. Taylor is pointing to the bleachers.
He's calling his shot.
Nobody's done this since Babe Ruth in the 32 World Series.
Hayes leads from second as Duke takes his scratch. The pitch.
Look out. Down goes Taylor.
Come on. Handball. Get down to the shit, man. Bring this to
me, man. Taylor, backup, refusing to
dust himself off after Duke gave him a little chin music.
Taylor's pointing again.
Unbelievable. They're on their feet here. Stomping,
clapping. Come on. Join in. Wherever you
are out there. Let's hear you, Cleveland.
Taylor waits at the plate.
Leduc at the belt, haze away from second.
Here comes the one. One pitch.
Taylor. Bunce. Shit.
Hay's around third. He's gonna try to score.
Here comes the throw.
He slides. He is safe.
Safe. And the Indians win it. The Indians win it.
Oh, my God. The Indians win it. He sells
the hell out of that. I just hope someday I can hear him say that.
With the brewers winning it anyway,
so everyone celebrates. They've done
it. Dorn punches out it, then picks up and hugs Vaughn.
Lynn is there no ring in her finger. She and Jake embrace.
The team gets together, celebrates. Roll credits.
Cinema psyops.
Holy shit, man. Major league is the
best fucking baseball movie. It truly is. Yeah. It has everything
you want. The only thing that it really has going against it is
the time that it was made in the name of the actual club that they
had to go with to be able to get it made. Makes it really wish
they could have. Just gone with the brewers. Right. Because that's basically what it's about.
That's why they have you there, right? Yeah, yeah. Basically,
you could say, like, the brewers are really bad then, too. I mean, so is
Cleveland, everyone, you know, but, yeah, it's same way. It would have
been the same thing. Small town, you know, small market team trying
to make it, you know, all that kind of stuff.
What a team in the rust Belt town, as well. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Yeah. I think the only thing Cleveland gets to have is a bit more of
a history of losing than the brewer. The brewers weren't created until
the early 1980s, where Cleveland has a very,
very long history. So maybe that's it. I don't know. Maybe the brewers
just didn't want to do it. But you'd even. You could just had Bob Euchre
be Bob Euchre. Yeah, but, yeah, so is
what it is. You know, no one knew at the time that that Cleveland
team was bad. You know, no one thought about it. Makes it
that much funnier to have it be like, what would be the absolute
worst team? And it makes it a real touchstone as
to how our society didn't view all the things that were cultural
appropriation and just general racism. And if you
don't have a problem with it, then let me wear my caucasian shirt
around you that is a parody of that. That makes fun of Caucasians. And let's
see how you feel. I like that. Is it like,
the caucasian person? Cause it should be a face of a white person,
and then there should be a little bubble around it going, that mustard will bubble
around it going, that mayonnaise is a little too spicy.
It doesn't have the bubble around it, but it's literally, like the logo. It has
the. It says caucasian in the same font, and it's fucking brilliant. I've seen that
t shirt before. I just. There should be, like, a little speak bubble that says
that mayonnaise is spicy. Yeah. Or, of course it's seasoned.
I put a little salt on it. I would actually like to have a jersey
that just says Caucasians. Like a baseball jersey that I can button up. Yeah,
right? I I would totally wear that shit because, yeah, I admit that
shit is wrong. So there we go. Why don't we take a
break here? We'll get a story time out of you after we play the song.
What do you think? Let's do it. All right. Up next on the pirate radio
edit, we're gonna have Beckett with how can the girl refuse?
Which is somewhere featured in the film, probably again, during the spring training.
And immediately after that, we're gonna have Matt's story.
All right, so that is Beckett with how can the girl refuse?
Probably because it's her right. And consent is a thing, my man. I'm just saying.
That's right. Maybe that's something Matt can teach you all about in our
next story time.
Story time.
Story time. Well, my story time really isn't so much
a story as it. Well, it is kind of a story, but it's because
we did a sports movie. One of the beautiful things about sports, and I think
even more along the line of any other sport, it goes to baseball, is the
lovable losers, and you almost remember
your losses more than your great wins, and you almost romanticize
them. I can think back to the 2018 NLCS,
which is National League championship series. What you play right before
we go to the World Series. It was Brewers Dodgers. It was the last time
the brewers fielded a really excellent team.
And I was super excited. We got to game seven.
So the deciding game, it was in October. Early October.
In October, cort knows this. We wife. My wife and
I throw a party called the Apple Pie Moonshine Party. We make apple
pie moonshine. Everyone comes over, has a great time. And the brewers
goddamn well scored the first run of that game, and it made me
go almost insane. Loved it. Wanted to see more
of it. But in the end. And the brewers lost. They scored
the first run. They lost five one. And you just die
a little bit inside, because that whole series had been back and forth. It looked
like the Dodgers are going to run away with it. Then the brewers fought all
the way back, and you have all this underdog mentality. As I said,
the brewers were created in the early 1980s. By 1982,
they're already in the World Series, where they faced the St. Louis Cardinals.
Nowadays, the Cardinals and the brewers are in the same division. Back then, they were
in two different conferences, and that went all the way to a game
seven, where the Cardinals beat the BRRs. But due to the
brewers, like, two of their all stars were out with injuries for the World Series,
which kind of just sucked and it makes me hate.
It also brings you that hate of other sports teams.
Like I believe the St. Louis Cardinals can
all get syphilis and just fuck off for the rest of their lives. I really
don't care. Dying of fire. I fucking hate the St. Louis Cardinals
with a burning fucking passion of a million fucking sons.
Wow, that was just like an area of grievances more than a story time about.
Yeah, well, I told you, this is gonna be more of a story about sport
and how you can feel. The Los Angeles Dodgers, I wish they sink
to the ocean. Fuck the Dodgers, fuck the cardinals, fuck the Dodgers and
just throw in. Fuck the cubs. Cause really no one really likes the city of
the Chicago. They shouldn't anyway. It's fucking garbage. Hot fucking
garbage. Wow. No, that's not the case at all. I happen
to know plenty of people from Chicago that I think are great and fuck all
sports ball anyway, so who cares? Hey, how fuck you, man. We were watching a
movie about sports ball. You let me air my fucking relenting,
you know, misplaced anger at fucking different cities. Just remember who
runs anarchy in this barter town, my friend. You can't run anarchy.
Well, Matt, we're going to have to educate you once again about how you can
in fact run anarchy. So we're going to play the show housekeeping, and when we
come back on the pirate radio edit, we will have the band the beat farmers.
Yes, that is their name with the song hideaway immediately following it.
That's why just being your friend isn't good enough reason for me
to be on the show. Alright, first question. Do you currently take medication for
have you ever been diagnosed with a nervous condition? Heart palpitations,
sudden bouts of depression? Have you seen me, cort?
I'm a giant heart palpitation, about 50 pounds overweight.
Answer the question, Matt. Well, no, not exactly. Why would I
share that with the whole world in a podcast? What if I did have any
of those conditions? Okay, fine, we can skip the questions, then we'll just move on
and have you sign the standard waiver here. Not responsible
for mood disturbances, loss of appetite,
neurological damage. What the hell are
you thinking? Why would I ever sign any of these? You know what? Fuck this
shit, homie. I ain't sign nothing. You see, I have these photos.
What the fuck? You said you deleted that photo and
that one. Well, that one isn't bad. That one?
Yeah, that's taken out of context. I did. Every time.
I deleted them. Every time. The one that I took. These are all versions
where I may have pumped up the contrast, you know, corrected things so that
you can really see the details. Seriously, motherfucker, what the fuck is wrong with you?
What happened to make you like this? Well, that's what I want to find out,
Matt. That's what you're gonna help us all find out.
I'm going to watch movies. I'm not signing any waiver. These photos are
not worth signing away. My sanity, man. Come on. I didn't think they
were. But of course, there is this one item you should have a look at.
How the hell did you find that? Why would you
fucking keep it? Sign the waiver, Matt. No one will ever hear of
this. No one will ever
see these photos. And I will delete every copy of them if
you sign this contract and uh, this waiver.
You really are a sick,
twisted, evil shit. You know that,
right? I cannot believe you have me signing contract
to allow you basically torture me. Get away with it. And the last signature,
it's gonna be in your blood. Oh, shit. I need a beer.
Some whiskey. Alright, so now you can see,
matt, it's clearly whoever has the most power, the most weaponry, and the most
people buy them while there's still no formal government who can in
fact run anarchy. That's not anarchy then? No, it's just the most
powerful warlord doing whatever they want while no one else can stop. Then that's a
dictionary shit. No, no, no, because there's no formal
government. He doesn't actually say he's in charge. He just kills anyone who doesn't listen
to him. And that's how you run an anarchy. That is not how you run
an anarchy. That's not anarchy at all. You know, listen, this is not working,
all right? You're gonna have to kill me to make me. We believe there's
rules in enter. Well, you know what? I'm not prepared to do that. But what
I will do is play X's cover of Wild Thing on the pirate radio edit,
and invite everyone to kick the fuck out of this week and make it their
bitch.
I knew you were fucking hate you so
much. I don't think I can do this anymore, man.
Really? Yeah. Okay. So this is gonna be your
last episode, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean, I can't sit through
any more of this bullshit. Oh really? Yeah. It was that bad?
There's not a word in the english fucking language to tell
you how bad this fucking was. I understand your
point. I see that you definitely want to quit. I get it. That's totally fine.
But thank you for understanding. I should remind you of this?
Oh, shit. I said no one
would ever see it again, and I wouldn't speak of it again. But it
still exists. And I still have it. God damn it.
Fine. You keep doing the experiments, you keep watching the movies,
and no one will ever see this, and we will never speak of it again.
But every time you try to quit, it's coming back. I think. God, I have
a drinking problem. Soon. Next one. And recording
in progress. All right, now we can start your episode for major league right off
the bat. We're good to go. We're good. All right, let's do it.
All right. I'm not gonna play the theme song or anything like that, so we'll
just go right into it and I'll do the. Hello. Okay. All right, here we
go. Wrong one.
Oh, shit. I deleted too many again. Uh oh. Well, if the experiment is to
see how well I can actually handle my. My shit, it looks like I
may not be handling it so well. There we
go. Three, two, one.
You're gonna have to kill me to make me believe there's rules in
anarchy. Well, you know what? I'm not prepared to do that. But what I will
do is play X's cover of wild thing on the pirate radio, edit and invite
everyone to kick the fuck out of this week and make it their bitch.
All right, let's go ahead and stop it here, because we need to end this
bullshti. Yeah, recording stopped.