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Cinema PSYOPS is a weekly film review podcast where we experiment on an impressionable mind to find out why physical wounds heal, but Cinematic ones don't.
Hello, and welcome to the 459th consecutive week of Cinema PSYOPS.
I'm your host, Cort, the guy that records shows out of order and doesn't even give a shit if it fucks them up.
And joining me in that lack of concern or care is my co-host, Matt.
I don't even know how to count, I don't care.
Fuck math.
This is gonna be, what has it ever done for me?
It's made me feel sad.
Math has made a lot of things happen, like made it so bankers can calculate how deep in debt we all are.
Yeah, I don't like it.
I don't know why people have to be a bunch of assholes.
Math also helps you calculate how much volume of water you need to remove from your patio to keep your house from flooding, and then how much pipe you will need in order for that to take place, how much rock you will need to support and protect that pipe and keep it from being crushed, the largest size of drain basin you can get away with, and then also the various prices that you need to be able to afford to do all of that with.
Jesus.
I'm just basically describing all the math that I've been doing this weekend.
I got a drainage issue that I got to deal with.
Yeah, this shit sucks, man.
I calculated exactly how much it would cost me to have a landscaper or someone else dig that out and put that in, and I'm going to do it myself.
I don't care if it takes me that much longer.
Why not?
They're doing more shit all by yourself.
Yeah, I mean, Jesus Christ did.
It's like pay somebody three or four grand to do this or do it myself for about 500.
And then the amount of time it takes me to dig it out.
Oh, yeah.
Jesus Christ.
Which I mean, I've done that for a living before.
You knew that.
I thought you knew that about me.
My first job that I got out of high school after I graduated, because I had many other jobs and did other types of work while in high school.
But my summer job that I got after I graduated high school, I was a heating, plumbing and HVAC apprentice.
But what I did a lot was dig ditches for pipes.
As a plumbing assistant, there was a lot of drainage stuff that needed to be done.
And I had to do a lot of hand digging and tamping and all of that kind of stuff.
But at the same time, I also learned a lot about how to do drainage.
So there you go.
Yeah.
That's nice.
Yeah.
And I thought to myself while I was doing this as an 18 year old, I'm never going to fucking use this.
Guess what?
Me as a 44 year old man is trying to figure out and remember all the stuff that he learned back then so that he can now use that knowledge to his benefit and save himself $2,500-ish.
Right?
Well, I just get mad at math teachers who always just say, you'll never have a calculator in your pocket.
Bitch, you tell the future then, because I definitely do have a fucking supercomputer in my pocket now all the time.
I had a teacher in high school that hated computers that used mice.
He hated the fact that mice were a thing that people started using.
Said, you're running a program to run a program to run a program.
You should just use your keyboard to run the program.
I mean, that's Jesus to hate mice.
Come on, man.
That's a lot.
Right?
It's like really...
You're really nitpicking at this point of something to hate.
Not only to hate mice, but to hate mice in the 90s at that point.
When they're starting to become ubiquitous at that point.
They were all over the place.
I mean...
Just weird.
Why are we wasting all of this time?
Because the movie that we're talking about this week, Blazing Stewardesses, other than the tits, disappointment, more or less.
Yeah, pretty much.
There's some things in it where it's really trying to have fun with us, and it feels like they're trying...
Like it's Adamson trying to do his own version of a carry-on kind of film, like that British sex comedy series, The Carry-on, Screaming, or whatever.
I know Carry-on Screaming is horror, but...
That series of film, or that type of film, or even a Benny Hill kind of like...
Yackety Sax chasing each other around, playing a little grab-ass.
That's what's going on in this movie.
Right, yeah, and it's not good.
It's not terrible.
It's a swing and a miss.
Right, but there's a lot of boobs in it at least.
And then also, moving forward from Dracula vs.
Frankenstein is still something that I recommend, because even though the movies may be a miss, there's still at least boobs in it, and there's some parts that actually are entertaining.
My movie was about an hour and 38 minutes.
I did it in three blocks like I've been doing, so it's 30, 60, and then the 98 minute is the last segment that we're going to be doing.
I got like 18 clips.
They're not all long, but pretty much all dialogue was turned into a clip, because look, if I had to go through it, it's going to become everyone's problem the minute a clip has to happen.
Yeah, that's what I did with my movie.
I clipped almost all the dialogue.
Yeah, you know, I think they kind of...
I had to do it.
I think they expect us to do that at this point in the show, right?
Yeah.
They just expect us to cop out, right?
Like, that's the Cinema PSYOPS.
They make weekly releases by copping out.
Mm-hmm.
Cops out, motherfuckers.
Come on.
All right, enough talk about fucking cops.
Let's actually go ahead and get started.
We're going to talk about Blazing Stewardess from 1975.
As we've been doing for the last few weeks, we're just going to keep going for the next couple of weeks.
Song's released in 1975 for my movie and Matt's movie as well, because it was also released in 1975.
So, up first on the Pirate Radio Edit is ZZ Top with the song Tush released in 1975.
Before that, we're going to have our Legion Patreon ad.
This will keep you quiet.
Oh, hi there.
I didn't see you.
You called me cutting a new show.
I'm Bo Ransdell, and I'm one of the many creators you can find on Legion Podcasts.
I said quiet!
My fellow podcasters and I work hard to bring you the best in horror podcasting, but that comes at a cost.
Not that, but also yes.
No, what I'm getting at is that there are server costs, costs for good microphones and software for editing, all the things that make our shows, you know, fun to listen to.
And you can help.
If you're enjoying the shows on legionpodcasts.com or in the Legion Network available on iTunes and Stitcher, just about anywhere you can download a podcast, really, you can help us out and get a little something for your trouble at patreon.com forward slash Legion Podcasts.
For just two bucks a month, you get a pair of movie commentaries exclusive to Patreon.
And for five dollars, you can also join us for a monthly screening of a movie.
All of that available on patreon.com/LegionPodcasts
We appreciate it.
And thank you for listening.
Now, back to the cutting room.
Oh, man, I hate to come in on one of Billy Gibbon's solos, but I mean, come on.
I know.
That was some good shit too.
Yeah, fuck, that is one of my favorite fucking ZZ Tom songs.
Yeah, that's a fucking, that's a decent tune right there.
The thing that's not decent is what we have to interrupt it with, and that's 1975's Blazing Stewart.
Yeah, well, this is all your fault.
You get on this one, all right?
Yeah, I freely admit it.
I'm the one that bought this box set.
I get it.
You can punish me all you want for that.
I admit it.
But I think you're punishing yourself enough by having to do this review.
So the first 30 minutes of Blazing Stewardesses starts with a photo clip because they put it on screen and I'm not writing this down.
It starts with a dedicated to the screens, unsung directors, performers and stuntmen of a bygone era when movies entertained with simplicity and the world forgot its cares.
I don't know what the fuck that means, but I would not dedicate this particular film to whatever that's supposed to represent.
To anyone.
Alright, the film opens after that on a star-studded credit sequence, by which I mean each actor is shown in a star cutout with footage of them from the film.
This then transitions into cartoon music as a bad animation of a woman in a bikini pops up on screen and then changes to what I assume is another woman representative of the titular characters, the Blazing Stewardesses, running from a cartoon stampede.
And this continues to pad out the opening run time with more credits and this animation over even more overly dramatically changing library music needle drops.
And then, after we hit the 3 minute 30 second-ish mark, there is finally live action shots of the Los Angeles Zoo as two of the titular characters indulge in a low-budget tour of the zoo meant to pad out the film and, quote-unquote, establish characters, I guess?
Yeah, I mean, I suppose that's probably the best way to put it.
The ladies snap photos of each other, then dialogue hits, and now it's everyone's fucking problem in our first clip.
To see places and people?
Right, Lauren.
That reminds me, I got to go back to my apartment and get ready for my next flight.
And I want to get a birthday present for my boyfriend, Chuck.
The guy, Lauren.
Let me drop you off at Olvera Street.
You can get a real nice present there.
Jesus fucking Christ.
That's just fucking brutal stuff, man.
Yeah.
It's throughout the whole film, folks.
So strap the fuck in.
Matter of fact, we had to go through it.
So do you.
Yeah.
Matter of fact, I'm going to pause here for a hit before I move on after that.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I got to center myself.
This leads to our main stewardess.
We were following at the zoo, shopping in a travelogue group of shots at a market set to a mid-paced 70s soft rock love song.
This goes on to pad out the runtime as she buys a gift.
It cuts to her arriving by taxi to the airport, still set to that mid-paced 70s soft rock love song.
Of course it would, because I mean, that's just, it's soft rock.
Love songs.
I mean, it makes you feel good.
This awfulness ends with a cut to a woman tongue-punching someone's toes.
There is dialogue, so now it's everyone else's fucking problem and our second clip.
This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none, and this little piggy went all the way home.
Hey, let's try something different tonight.
What do you want me to do?
Stand on my head?
Okay, it may not be my thing, but I do have to give Adamson some credit for portraying this as just a normal thing between a couple, where she is literally licking in between his toes while doing that.
This little piggy went to the market.
That's not my thing either.
I don't fuck around with feet, man.
I don't have a problem with feet, but the fact that she was putting her tongue in between his toes and doing that, this little piggy goes to the market, is just a little bit more kinky than I'm willing to be into, because it brings in a childhood thing that feels not right to me.
It's not the tongue in the toes that I have a problem with, it's the putting a child nursery rhyme to it that feels kind of like it infantileizes the act and feels a little unhealthy.
Not judging, just saying to me that that makes me feel uncomfortable, and maybe that's my baggage.
Yeah, I'm not in defeat at all, and I don't judge either, whatever, you guys are going to do what you're going to do, but it ain't for me.
Right, okay, well, after that, it cuts to them fucking standing on their heads.
Because, yeah, that's what they said.
Yeah, it is every bit as odd and off putting as you would expect, but there is nudity, so thank you movie.
I guess.
It cuts from this to the main stewardess from the beginning, arriving home to her apartment.
Then we get a shot that shows us all the way up to an actress's heaven's gate with a dude covered by a bedsheet as they ride around on a bed making semi sex noises and he gets on top to pump away.
But during those sequences where you see all the way up, I saw everything.
Sure did, pal.
Sure did.
I honestly can't even tell if this is the couple that fucked upside down or not, and the dude goes whistling in the dark while I'm pondering that and distracts the living shit out of me.
Yeah, he's whistling Dixie over here.
And the lady under him has her tits out and being fondled.
That is definitely a thank you movie.
This is all consensual sex that's going on.
Yeah, everyone seems to be having a good time.
The main stewardess arrives home via taxi, and we see he was fucking someone else while she was gone, and Debbie, I guess, is her name because he shouts at a whole bunch.
In the dialogue, that is now everyone's fucking problem and our third clip.
Chuck, you here?
Debbie, wait!
Debbie, wait a minute!
Stick this with the rest of them!
It's Ben Brewster.
It's Ben.
Ben Brewster.
How are you?
Look, Ben, this is a bad time to call.
Do you think you could call me later, please?
Now, look, Debbie, this is strictly business, nothing personal.
I've got a charter coming out to my ranch.
Now, if you and your friends are free, I'll work the flight for good money and a two-week vacation on the house.
Hey, that really sounds like a good idea, Ben.
I'd like to thank you.
I got a call from an old friend of mine.
He's invited me and a couple of friends for a free two-week vacation at his dude ranch.
Yes, but he wants us to look a junket flight.
He's putting in a gambling casino.
That's naughty.
Be at the Mountain Airline counter at eight tonight.
Now, Lori, I want you to be good.
Promise?
Okay, I'll see you at the airport.
Oh, my God.
Jesus fucking Christ.
It's worse reliving it a second time.
Yeah, imagine having to edit the clips, man.
I need another fucking hit before I move on.
Do it.
All right, the film cuts to a sequence of about a half dozen guys barreling through the desert on horseback with ski masks on and guns.
They rough up a cow hand after asking if he works for the fucking silver dollar ranch or whatever the fucking place this is.
And then it cuts from that to another rustler getting jumped by two more heavies.
They end up in a shootout, and he gets gunned down because he works at the same fucking ranch, I guess.
And this then cuts to the dirty half dozen on horseback again, and then cuts to a dude that looks like David Crosby tending a fire, and he gets jumped by the ski mask thugs.
He was heating a cattle brand, so the thugs used that to brand him, and they burned him.
So, yeah, that's because he works at the same ranch.
Yeah.
It then cuts to more thug riding footage, then it cuts to the ranch in question where people arrive and there is dialogue.
So now that has everybody's fucking problem in our court.
Ben, whether you're going to pluck them clean just as soon as the gambling starts, huh?
It could be.
Now come on, you old fox.
You got a gold mine here and you know it.
I just hope you believe in sharing the wealth.
Meaning?
Well, meaning I hope you're not going to be selfish about it.
Now, look, Trask, you're a foreman here, but I'm running this operation, and don't you forget it.
Now, if you don't like it here...
Wait a minute, Ben.
No, no, you wait.
I'd like to get your hands on that, wouldn't you?
Well, eat your heart out, old timer.
You haven't got a chance.
She buys and sells guys like you.
She buys them cheap and sells them cheaper.
You two at it again?
Oh, it's nothing unusual.
We're all a little bit edgy after last night.
Oh, I heard about that.
Can you believe it?
Hooded riders.